What to do: I hate my mother-in-law, how to get rid of grievances, how to move on? Psychologist's advice

Happy are those women whose mother-in-law lives far away and rarely comes to visit, and even does not interfere with the family’s way of life. Unfortunately, such cases are rare; it is not for nothing that so many funny and sad stories are heard about the relationship between a daughter-in-law and her husband’s mother. If, when meeting with friends, you exclaim indignantly again and again, “I hate my mother-in-law, what should I do?!”, then you also find yourself in an awkward situation. Sympathy and support from friends help temporarily relieve nervous tension, but do not solve the problem. First of all, you should figure out why the relationship between you deteriorated and how to find an approach to your husband’s mother.

The main reason for problems with mother-in-law

After marriage, newlyweds can rarely immediately afford a separate living space. I have to live with my parents. According to a long-standing custom, a man brings his wife to his home.

From now on, the daughter-in-law will have to deal with her husband’s mother every day and, alas, be tested for strength.

Timid girls silently endure “mother’s” nagging, and everything goes quietly for other family members. However, more and more wives today are not ready to tolerate daily comments. Then scandals rage in the house constantly. And although they begin in different ways, their reason is the same and quite understandable.

Women subconsciously share the man they love. The wife pulls him towards “Husband”, the mother towards “Son”. And no one is ready to give in.

Other causes of conflict follow from this:

• Both ladies consider each other's characters disgusting and strive to prove this by any means.
• The mother does not accept her son’s choice because of social inequality, race, faith, appearance, education or life principles of the chosen one.
• Two mistresses cannot divide spheres of influence in one territory.
• The mother-in-law constantly violates the couple’s personal boundaries: she bursts into the bedroom without knocking, rummages through things, pesters the couple with calls and text messages if they are away.
• Conflicts related to raising children.
• The husband's mother gives unsolicited advice, guided by experience and old age.

Jealousy on the part of the mother-in-law

When a man is the only child in the family, the mother directs maximum care to him and “loves” him. Over time, her son becomes her meaning of life. And any person who seeks to take away this meaning is perceived by a woman as an enemy. The daughter-in-law is enemy number 1.

All three suffer in the situation. The mother-in-law continues to live in illusions and refuses to accept that her son is an independent person.

The man is between two “fires”. And the wife tries to shift attention to herself, to her family.

The spouse's mother considers her daughter-in-law a potential rival who will undermine her authority and push her precious son out of her heart. Maternal jealousy often does not subside even when the couple lives separately.

Why do daughters-in-law get irritated with their mother-in-law?

However, I have never read such reviews!

A harmless and affectionate angel. I'm serious. She is my third, which means I have someone to compare with. But I assure you, not one of them suffered from my appearance in the lives of my mothers-in-law. Closer to the topic. My mother-in-law adores me. She looks kindly, the sun is calling, Yulechka won’t make any unnecessary moves in the kitchen, she immediately delegated all the owner’s rights to me. She also has someone to compare with, I am the third daughter-in-law and the wife of her son. Before me there was a stern woman cop who didn’t talk to her and despised her in every possible way. For what? How can such simplicity and sincerity offend? Well, yes, she is talkative, and repeats herself like a record. Not very neat. just. The worst thing is that sometimes I have difficulty coping with irritation. Her shuffling, her gentle eyes, her “sunshine”, her sloppiness are annoying. I want not to see or hear her. Of course, I'm used to living with my husbands without their mothers. My mother-in-law is a good stranger to me. Can anyone please give me some advice on how to get rid of irritation?

It turns out that even a good and affectionate mother-in-law is annoying!

Here are some tips I read on Babyblog:

1. You will never get rid of irritation, but with the birth of a baby and with her help (to sit while you go shopping, etc.) you will feel a feeling of deep gratitude that she is nearby and there is someone to throw the child on!

2. And just some thoughts: my mother always said to me when I said something like “you’re slurping.” shuffling, etc. - when the time comes, I won’t be there and you’ll say: “It would be better if she was slurping and shuffling but alive.” And now my mother is no longer here, but I still remember about it. And when my mother-in-law bothers me, I also remember and calm down.

3.And I have this! My mother-in-law is good, with her quirks of course (like probably all people, including me), but she tries very hard, helps, treats me well... And sometimes her obsessive attention and desire to help just really irritates me , but it’s easier with us - we live separately. Just if you feel like you’re starting to get irritated, go for a walk, listen to music, watch a nice movie and it will go away) If it’s annoying that she’s imposing something on you, change the topic of conversation to something light and pleasant for her and for you.

4. I suppress this irritation within myself, but from time to time it still arises. She is also a very good mother-in-law, we haven’t quarreled even once in 3.5 years. She is always happy to help and give advice, but she is superfluous in the family, I mean in my husband and I’s family . Hence my irritation...

How old is your mother-in-law?

By the way, it is almost impossible to get rid of irritation, you can try to suppress it in yourself... but... then it can only get worse...

Try to transfer her to the status of NOT someone else's good person .

5. My mother-in-law is wonderful, we see each other once a month at most, she will always help, she adores her granddaughter, and so on. And six months ago I began to get annoyed with every call from her, even though she called once a week. I understand with my mind that there is no reason, but it was an unpleasant feeling . Then, thank God, everything passed, now I treat her the same way as before with respect and love, apparently she herself had some problems.

Like this. It turns out that no matter what the mother-in-law does, she will always annoy her daughter-in-law?

The most common mistakes of daughters-in-law

All young wives stumble upon the same rake when they step into the house of their husband's relatives.

In order not to create a real hell instead of a family nest with her own hands, the daughter-in-law should:

• Don't provoke a quarrel. Where there is an opportunity to remain silent, it is better to use it. Proving your point of view does not mean winning. More often the silent and calm one wins than the nervous and quarrelsome one.
• Don't put your husband before a choice. It’s already hard for him when the women he loves are at war. And choosing between two fires will only worsen the situation.
• Don't compete with your mother-in-law. You are not in a race where your husband is the main prize. If she thinks she makes better pies, then so be it.
• Don't do it out of spite. Yes, it’s difficult, but only cats shit in the slippers of the owner who yelled at them. Keeping your ego in check is the only sane option.
• Don't tell your husband nasty things about his mother . Complaining will only provoke discord in the relationship, which will make the mother-in-law incredibly happy.

Mother-in-law: zones of influence

Her husband’s mother, out of habit, will try to poke her nose into all areas of his life.
If this influence is not decisively stopped, it will only grow. The tension between women is felt most acutely in the kitchen. After all, each subconsciously perceives it as her own, cooks according to her own rules and does not require assistants. “Two housewives in the kitchen mean trouble,” says popular wisdom. The easiest way is to determine the order of cooking by day and create a menu so as not to get into trouble over peeling potatoes or the amount of oil in the fry.

Or the mother-in-law will do the kitchen chores, and the daughter-in-law will wash the dishes and clean the apartment. Divide the responsibilities so that everyone gets an equal amount.

Since the spouse’s mother has already raised the children, she will rightfully try to raise the grandchildren, displacing the daughter-in-law from the role of the main authority in front of the child. As soon as the grandson appears, it is better to immediately explain what is possible and not possible. No matter how close the grandmother is, the mother is the main educator.

And finally, the mother-in-law will push the choice of her husband to where she thinks is more correct. Moreover, this does not depend at all on the situation. Whether it's ordering a sleeping bed for a young person, buying a trash can or changing jobs.

This situation will take longer to resolve:

• Explain to your husband that he is the boss in his new family. You can listen to your mother’s choice, but you don’t have to follow it.
• Make it clear to both your spouse and mother-in-law that refusing the option she has chosen will in no way discredit you and your son.
• Having your own opinion is normal and even necessary!

Your mom is your responsibility

There are usually two participants in a relationship. But in the case of a mother-in-law, there are three of you - you, she and your husband. Share this relationship. To make communication comfortable for everyone, everyone must bear their part of responsibility.

• Mother-in-law. Her responsibility is to become pleasant if she needs to communicate with you. She should feel that if she doesn't make an effort, you can easily do without her. She risks losing your favor, and therefore part of her influence on her son and grandchildren. The mother-in-law has something to lose. Help her understand this.
• Husband. His area of ​​responsibility is his relationship with his mother. This is also not your territory. As long as it doesn't interfere with your interests, of course. Do not take on unnecessary responsibility for relationships that, by and large, do not concern you.
• Wife. Your responsibility is to create conditions so that your husband can maintain a relationship with his mother, and your children with their grandmother. Please note that you do not have to communicate with her personally.

You don't need anything from her. So why should you waste your resources, your time on someone who doesn’t try? For what? You have friends, girlfriends, work, children, whatever. And they don't care whether you sit quietly at the "obligatory" family dinners or do something more enjoyable.

Establishing relationships with mother-in-law: specific situations

Both women understand that they cannot live endlessly in scandals. This is exhausting and creates a tense environment. How should a daughter-in-law behave with her “mother” so as not to lose her dignity in the person of her husband and not to ignite a conflict?

Mother-in-law teaches how to raise children: what to do?

With the birth of a child, a new stage begins in the life of the young couple, where the husband’s mother plays an important role. She criticizes educational methods. He climbs in with advice, allows his grandson what is forbidden, disrupts the daily routine, feeds him sweets and spoils him. Moreover, he constantly makes complaints to his parents. It’s hard to avoid quarrels here.

The irony is that both mother and grandmother love the child and try to give him only the best. However, the latter refuses to understand that her experience is not an indicator, her education methods are outdated, and excessive love is a problem for teachers in the future. It’s worse if the grandmother interferes in upbringing in order to strengthen her own authority, wanting to “crush” her daughter-in-law.

What should a new mother do?

• Gently but firmly, with the support of your spouse, explain to the woman the goals and motives of parenting methods.
• Use an example to show how the grandmother’s indulgences affect the child. If you stay up late watching TV, you won’t wake up for kindergarten or school. I ate too much candy - hello allergy. If he receives any toy upon request, he will grow up to be an egoist.
• Do not quarrel with your mother-in-law in front of the child.
• Do not limit the communication between grandmother and grandson.

And sometimes you really need to listen to the advice of the older generation.

Mother-in-law teaches how to run a household: what to do?

It all depends on where you live. If a couple lives under the same roof with the husband’s parents, then it is better to listen to the advice of his mother and not make trouble.

If the mother-in-law extends her power in the spouses’ apartment, then it is worth reminding her who is the mistress. It’s better if your husband confirms that the borscht is delicious, the floors are clean, and there’s no need to iron your shirts every day.

What to do if the mother-in-law tries to manipulate her son?

Alas, even a woman with gray hairs sometimes resorts to this bad fraud. “You won’t go against your mother, will you?”, “Have you stopped loving me, son?”, “Mother knows best” are typical phrases of a manipulator.

Through her son and his affection for her, she strives to establish her own order in his family. Blackmail, gossip about his wife, and tragicomedy performed by a bad actress are used.

It’s difficult for a daughter-in-law to resist this, but you can influence your husband:

• Explain to your spouse that a family is a closed garrison where two people decide, period.
• Mirror mother-in-law. This way the man will understand how absurd the mother’s behavior looks.

Aggravating circumstances of hostility

It’s easy to give advice if you don’t know how difficult it can be to hate your mother-in-law: you just think that she’ll throw it away again. However, there are circumstances in which communication with your husband’s mother turns into real torture. We sympathize if the mother-in-law:

1. Lives with you. The housing problem in our country is very acute. Not all young families can afford their own corner, so they are often forced to share the territory with their parents. Some mothers-in-law may seem like just darlings from the outside, but within the walls of their three-ruble apartment they become monsters spewing curses and hellfire. The daughter-in-law has no choice but to quietly or openly hate her mother-in-law and ask her friends or a psychologist for advice. The girl is financially dependent and a priori loses the battle. Due to the unequal situation, the family situation becomes even more tense.
2. Has an only son. That is, your spouse. In this case, all her maternal love and care are directed exclusively at him, and you, it turns out, covet her treasure. The daughter-in-law's raking paws irritate many mothers who dote on their son. After all, it is the mother who knows how to care for him, what to feed him, where to remain silent and what kind of socks he likes. And everything that goes against her opinion and knowledge is perceived with hostility. Therefore, your attempts to behave with your husband as you see fit will cause at least a bunch of comments. And at first you smile condescendingly, then you show dissatisfaction, and the apogee of the situation is open confrontation due to your hatred of your mother-in-law.
3. Single mother. Subconsciously, she perceives you as her competition. Because the son is her main man, and the mother-in-law has no one else to spend her energy on. She is subconsciously afraid that now she is left completely alone, and you will turn your beloved child against her. Although they probably didn’t intend to do that at all. The mother-in-law has put a lot of effort into raising her son alone, and she won’t give him up to some twit without a fight. The dismissive attitude of your husband’s mother, who raised him without a father, affects your communication with her, and most often ultimately leads to hatred.
4. She's retired and bored. Now that's a tough case! When a woman retires and has no friends or interesting hobbies, you won’t envy your daughter-in-law. The mother-in-law may have extremely good intentions, visiting three times a day and calling to chat for a couple of hours, but this behavior is particularly annoying. You grit your teeth, smile forcefully and communicate with your spouse’s mother, but after that you feel like you’ve been squeezed out. Many ladies never cease to hate even their retired former mother-in-law - she tortured them so much.

It’s sad that your mother-in-law bothers you and causes negative emotions. This situation is dangerous, as it often leads to unnecessary quarrels between husband and wife. Discord in the family due to hostility between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can provoke divorce. Therefore, you need to stop in time, look at everything that is happening with a sober look and try to do something.

Is it possible to improve relations with my husband's mother if nothing helps?

It is useless to seek reconciliation when one of the parties does not want peace. Some mothers-in-law simply enjoy humiliating their daughter-in-law.

If all the methods have been tried, but there is no result, and a lot of time has passed, it is reasonable to limit communication as much as possible and explain the decision to your husband.

What should a mother-in-law do to improve her relationship with her daughter-in-law?

The daughter-in-law does not have to carry the burden of reconciliation alone.

The husband's mother should also reconsider her behavior in order to make friends with the girl:

• Don't criticize your daughter-in-law's appearance.
• Don’t teach her “how to properly” cook, wash, clean, or shop. products, distribute money. Unless she asks for advice herself.
• Do not impose your experience in raising children.
• Don't talk about your son's ex-girlfriends.
• There is no need to compete with your daughter-in-law.
• Do not intrude into the personal affairs of young people.
• Try to see positive qualities in your son's wife, not negative ones.

A cage built with your own hands

There is always another solution. If you assess the situation correctly. The facts are this: You regularly interact with an unpleasant older woman. She gets on your nerves, saps your self-esteem and makes you feel like a hanger-on.

Attention, important question: why do you tolerate this?

Who imposed this duty, this duty on you? Who forces you at gunpoint to spend family holidays with people you don't like?

This strange, unkind woman is not your mother or at least a blood relative. She's basically no one to you. If she is an unpleasant person to talk to, don’t communicate. You have such a right and such an opportunity.

It turns out that patience is your choice. Your decision, which can be changed at any time. And only you yourself keep yourself from those boring feasts. Holding back with fears:

- How will it look like? What will my in-laws think of me?

- What if my husband gets offended? Will he decide that I don't love him enough?

- And what about the children? They should see grandma!

We will return to fears later. Now just realize that you have another solution!

Once upon a time, I read a wonderful metaphor that illustrates the standard reaction of women to advice not to associate with unpleasant toxic people:

- Doctor, I drink denatured alcohol in the morning, and something feels bad. Help!

- So don’t drink denatured alcohol.

- Well, of course, my relatives won’t understand... Still, they expect me to...

- I don’t know how to make you feel good if you choose to drink denatured alcohol.

- No, just tell me! You're a doctor!

- Don't drink denatured alcohol!

If you are a modern urban person who does not financially depend on the help of relatives, you are not obliged to waste time of your life communicating with unpleasant people. Moreover, your mother-in-law is not eager to sign you up as her girlfriend.

Advice from psychologists

Experts recommend a few tricks for a young wife to build a good relationship with her mother-in-law:

• Give your husband more love, care and freedom of action than your mother.
• Keep yourself fit.
• Do not involve your husband and your own mother in conflicts.
• Keep in mind that the mother-in-law also has the right to her husband’s time and attention.
• Try to treat a woman with respect in any situation.
• Don't respond to aggression with aggression.
• Remember that one day you yourself will become someone’s mother-in-law or mother-in-law.

Peace and harmony in the home is the dream of all women. But the mother-in-law sometimes becomes a real obstacle to this. With desire and patience, you can solve the problem. Receive not only the warm attitude of the husband’s mother, but also a strong rear to protect the family in her person.

How not to offend your husband

Many are stopped by the fear that the husband will take a refusal to communicate with his mother-in-law as a personal insult. Then think about this example.

Let's say my husband has a close friend from school. But he allows himself:

• drop in on a visit without warning;
• call at 2 am and say that his light bulb has burned out;
• loudly sort things out or swear in the presence of your children;
• to unceremoniously climb into your refrigerator and generally behave at home;
• criticize your decisions and speak disparagingly about you in front of your children.

Will you tolerate him and turn a blind eye to his rudeness? Sit silently in a corner while he humiliates you? And all so that the husband does not get offended?

Attention, important question: whose well-being should be more important to your husband? A friend, albeit a close one, or his own family? You and your children are his main responsibility. His main concern. At least that's how it should be.

Now compare the example and relationship with your mother-in-law. Calmly and objectively explain to your husband why you personally do not want to support this format of communication.

The arguments could be:

1. Your task as a wife and mother is to create a healthy atmosphere in your own family. You have the right to live in a comfortable environment where friendly, considerate, intelligent and ethical people are preferred. Those with whom it is pleasant, useful and interesting to communicate. If for some reason your mother-in-law is not included in the circle of such people, it is your duty to distance yourself. Protect your family.
2. You don't force him to communicate with your mother, and he should not force you to communicate with his mother. Share your relationship with your parents. “Your mother is your mother, you communicate with her, and I will mind my own business.” Perhaps the husband will even be happy with such freedom. After all, at any moment he can refuse to go to his mother-in-law. Spend time somehow differently.
3. Your peace of mind. Does he need a calm, loving, caring woman next to him? Or a vixen who breaks down for any reason? When your mother-in-law bullies you for 3 hours and you are forced to endure it, it’s not surprising to lose your composure.
4. A worthy example for children. Even if the husband is ready to turn a blind eye to humiliating criticism of his mother, this cannot be hidden from the children. Firstly, they lose respect for their mother. If grandma behaves like this, then they can do it too. Secondly, they lose respect for dad, who is obliged to protect his wife. Even from my own mother. And in the future they can copy this scenario in their family.