The problem of teenage lies in 80% of cases lies in improper upbringing. Trusting relationships are the main trump card in the hands of parents, but many do not know how to use it. There is probably no person who has not lied at least once in his life. For some, this is a white lie, for others, it is a state of mind. Such people can be divided into three categories: pathological liars, those who like to embellish, and those who lie due to circumstances. All of them were not born with a deceitful character trait, but acquired it in the process of growth and development. It all starts in childhood and adolescence, when a small omission gives rise to a big lie. What to do if you catch your child lying and how to deal with it, you will learn from this article.
A teenager is a creature perfectly aware of everything that he was not taught at school. Marcilyn Cox
A teenage girl lies to her mother. For what? For what?
Explain the consequences of stealing
So, you notice your teen taking money from your wallet, or you find something stolen from a store in his backpack.
If this is the first time this has happened and your teen has not committed a crime before, the first thing you should do is sit down and discuss how important it is to respect other people's property, and that breaking the law can land you in jail. Don’t downplay the seriousness of the situation or assume that theft is completely normal if no one noticed you
Speak clearly and clearly when explaining the situation, say that the consequences can change a person's entire life. Use specific definitions - theft and theft. Remind that the teenager could end up in prison for several years, depending on the severity of the offense. Remember that the situation is truly critical, so under no circumstances should it be ignored.
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Why does a child steal?
There are 6 main reasons why a child steals:
Theft from personal motives, beliefs and concepts
Theft for personal reasons is most common. For example, a child wants to give a gift to his parents or friends. But where will he get the money to buy a gift? A logical conviction is born in his head - he can take the thing on his own. And if he takes her with good intentions, what’s the big deal? If this happens, parents do not need to swear at the child and get angry, but need to calmly sit down with him and explain to him what is good and what is bad.
I really want to have something that I don’t have
When a child really wants to have something that he doesn’t have, it is a failure in teaching on the part of the parents. A child at any age should realize that if he wants something, he needs to ask for it and there is no need to steal. There is mine, and there is yours, and here we are talking about psychological boundaries.
If his parents cannot give him a certain item, he will try to take it himself. The same situation can be observed in public stores, when children begin to actively take candy into their pockets.
I liked an unusual thing, but my parents don’t want to buy it
Children have their own opinions on the world around them, they see things that can show their certain status. Don’t adults want to stand out among the gray mass? This is what children do, because if someone has a toy and they don’t, then they need to get it themselves.
Imitating friends, merging with the team
When children fall into bad company, this is a real problem. Their new friends may teach the child to steal, deceive, or abuse weaker people. In society, the sense of responsibility for one’s own actions always becomes dulled when there is a symbiotic merger with a team or a significant person, so children cease to realize the danger of their own actions and begin to imitate. If this happens and you don't know what to do about it, call me and we can discuss it.
Revenge, manifestation of aggression towards any
Children do not steal as often as revenge, but this option is also possible. As a rule, theft occurs only from the offender. By stealing in this case, the child begins to feel his own strength and superiority. Responsibility fades into the background, the task is to upset the opponent and show aggression. If you fail to steal, and enough aggression has already accumulated for it to come out, this can lead to a fight or other physical violence.
Loss of self-control or disturbances in perception of reality
Children can also experience stressful situations. Therefore, they may do rash things, including stealing various things. Adults do the same thing
There may be several causes of stress in a child; it is important to assess the severity and then make a decision.
Desire to have secrets and personal boundaries
A 10-year-old child is lying - what to do? Parents need to remember themselves at this age. Most likely, everyone had some secrets of their own. And I wanted to keep them secret from my parents or relatives. Such a desire can lead to lies.
Under such circumstances, there is no need to punish, or “lecture” about the dangers of lying. How to behave? It was as if nothing had happened. Let the child have his own harmless secrets. Everyone has the right to them. And even a mother and father cannot violate the personal boundaries of even small, but still individual people.
Over time this will pass. The child will outgrow and learn not to lie, but to keep secrets secret so that he does not have to discuss them with other people at all. Respect for the right to personal space has a beneficial effect on education in general. For example, you can reduce the likelihood of violent protest during puberty to a minimum.
Lying: how to stop it
- this is a sign of a crisis of trust between the beloved baby and the parents. You need to understand which need the baby is trying to satisfy with lies. This could be a developed imagination, lack of attention or fear of punishment, fear that parents will stop loving you.
The following steps will help you:
- Resolve the internal conflict, help correct the situation. Become an ally and teach them how to solve emerging problems.
- Don't try to control your child completely. Total control will make you want to pull away, protest and lie even more.
- Separate reality and fiction. Offer to compose a fairy tale together if your child has a wild imagination. Make sure he understands the difference between reality and fairy tales.
- Show everything by your own example. Don't make empty promises, don't lie. You are an example for your children, it’s good if it’s positive.
- Don't put pressure on your teenager, expand his personal boundaries. Give credit to trust. Let him feel independent.
- Theft and lies are different results of largely similar problems. They often accompany each other. In any case, both are serious signals for parents. Don’t let the situation take its course: you and your children have the right to be happy, self-sufficient people.
For advice from psychologists to parents when a child steals money from parents, watch the following videos.
How do teenagers justify their lies?
Their answers to the survey questions often contain statements that justify lying: “Sometimes it is necessary, but still, it’s unpleasant when they lie to you”; “Sometimes a lie can be useful, but sooner or later they will find out”; “A lie can be useful if it is aimed at a good cause”; “Lies can be useful, but only in moderation.”
93% of girls and 76% of boys adhere to such a loyal attitude towards lies. Lies are perceived as an unconditional and absolute evil by only 7% of girls and 24% of boys. Teenagers, seeing lies as evil, give the following answers: “Lies are always harmful”; “She can never be useful”; “If we lie, then our closest and dearest people will turn away from us”... Teenagers consider lying out of self-preservation to be the most significant reason for lying. Lying out of selfishness, lying with the best intentions, and lying out of boasting are in approximately equal positions. The study confirmed the assumption that the most commonly cited reasons for lying are “lying out of fear of punishment” and “lying out of desire for praise.”
Spend more time with your teenager
If theft is an attempt to attract attention, the situation should under no circumstances be ignored. Try to spend time with your teenager on a regular basis, demonstrate that you care about him
Invite him to do something together - choose something that really interests him, for example, go to a concert of his favorite band. In such a situation, you can discuss awkward questions and topics that cause discomfort. Reassure your teen that there is no reason to be shy and that stealing is not an option. Explain that you can always turn to you for help and that condoms and other types of contraception are not something to start stealing over.
What you should never do
Correct behavior tactics are the key to successful dialogue with a child. A thoughtless punishment can once and for all deprive you of the authority and trust of your son or daughter.
- Do not arrange a public debriefing of the flight, especially if the child committed theft for the first time.
- Do not label, do not call the child a criminal, a thief, do not paint gloomy pictures of the prison future.
- Don’t say phrases like “We didn’t raise you for this,” “There are no thieves in our family,” “I didn’t expect this from you.”
- Do not compare your child with other children, famous criminals, negative characters, do not give examples from family history, for example, “You are just like your grandfather, who served 25 years.”
- Do not pester with constant reproaches and reminders of the offense committed.
- Do not discuss the situation with strangers and family members in the presence of the child, savoring the details and thereby humiliating him.
- Don't bring up past misdeeds while scolding them for what just happened.
No matter how impudently a child behaves, he is still afraid and expects punishment, so the listed negative statements will be received with hostility. It will be like in the famous joke - “I behave the way you called me, what don’t you like?” If you choose the right tactics, he will listen, and then you will have a conversation from which he will draw conclusions.
Don't punish the thief
No, this does not mean at all that you need to turn a blind eye to the misconduct! But physical punishment also makes no sense. The rule of punishment is simple: you cannot direct the impact from the personality of the parent to the personality of the child.
The situation itself must punish. And the object of punishment is incorrect behavior, and the child himself remains loved. Second is consistency. No double standards: dad can do it, but you can’t; Yesterday it was possible, but today it is impossible; Yesterday they punished, and tomorrow they gave up.
At the crime scene
You can call the baby from another room, redirect his attention, and then ask him what he was doing where he was noticed. If the thief is from 3 to 6 years old, then you can conduct a dialogue with him quite openly, saying: “I saw how you did this
You know, I felt very sorry for the owner of this thing. I immediately thought how upset he would be..."
A teenager who is caught off guard can expect to react with anger or outright lies.
In both cases, there is no need to raise your voice or use the imperative mood.
It’s better to quietly and half-jokingly ask: “Do you need my help? I was going to give you a few hundred for the movie, but I see you can handle it on your own. Only you take from the wrong wallet (pocket, bag). For you, I put money in a piggy bank (box, jar). How much do you need?" The question is asked in order to draw the child into dialogue.
As you continue the conversation, be sure to find out what the amount is for. For some purchases, you need to plan a budget and purchase period together; for others, you need to explain that such expenses are irrational or unaffordable for the family now. It is necessary to end the dialogue with a compromise, an agreement.
Over the years
Punishment is ineffective if it comes at the wrong time. Children are not punished for events of long ago - this does not improve the situation tomorrow at all, but it harms contact and psychological comfort today.
If the fact of theft became known after the fact, then you can only talk with the child about whether he realizes his guilt
It is important that in this conversation the phrase is heard: “Well done for not being afraid to talk about it”
What should a Sunday school teacher do if one of his students steals?
It is imperative to respond to such a situation. First of all, notify the child’s parents. If they do nothing, you need to tell someone in charge about what happened - the director, the priest, the rector of the temple. As the Gospel says: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone; If he listens to you, then you have gained your brother; But if he does not listen, take with you one or two more, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established; if he does not listen to them, tell the church; and if he does not listen to the church, then let him be to you as a pagan and a publican” (Matthew 18:15-17). That is, you need to act gradually: first talk to the director of the Sunday school, and if that doesn’t help, talk to the rector of the church.
I would also advise talking to your confessor so that he can give advice on how to act in such a situation. But I am convinced that the range of information about this incident needs to be expanded, and not hushed up. Perhaps, if the parents do not react to what is happening, the confessor will give advice to involve the dean in solving the problem or involve caring parishioners who will help influence the situation. It is very sad if parents cover up theft and do not strive to compensate for the losses and help their child improve. But we definitely need to talk about this. Do not shout or scold the child, but talk to the parents and everyone who has influence on him.
When children won't lie
Unfortunately, children's lies cannot be avoided - there are no perfectly honest people in the world. Somewhere, someday, but children will tell lies. And adults too.
However, parents can reduce the likelihood of lying to them. In what house would a child not make up stories?
Children do not lie if love, mutual understanding, trust and respect reign in the family. If a child knows for sure that he will not be scolded, ridiculed, humiliated, offended or punished for certain actions, he will not look for a reason to make up stories.
A child who is confident that his parents will always support him and be on his side will most likely not tell lies. In any case, to his mother and father (or whoever he has a closer connection with).
In a home where there is no strict control and constant restrictions, it is difficult to face children's lies. Also, lies will not be uttered from children's lips if parents do not skimp on praise and encouragement, but without fanaticism.
In other words, a child will not make things up when he lives in a decent family, where everyone loves and respects each other, speaks only the truth and does not violate personal boundaries. If parents feel that they are not able to solve the problem of lying in their child on their own, it is better to immediately contact a family psychologist.
Create a punishment that involves positive action.
You should not physically punish your child or try to shame him - this will only cause anger and discomfort. Focus on linking punishment with positive action. This will help your teen become more aware of the harm that stealing can have on relationships and begin to better value honesty. For example, if a child stole money from your bag, have him return everything stolen - he can work part-time or do household chores to earn this amount. By doing extra work around the house, it is easier to understand the consequences of the actions taken, so this method of punishment turns out to be very effective and at the same time beneficial.
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We know, but we are silent
Still wondering how to stop a 10-year-old child from lying? Experts recommend not letting children know you know the truth. This will only escalate the situation.
In addition, try not to set yourself the task of exposing your children to clean water. This is a deliberately destructive technique. It cannot in any way be connected with the child’s trust and freedom.
If you know that children have lied, you need to remain silent. Instead, you need to think about how to ensure that children learn to trust their parents. Support and understanding are an excellent prevention of children's lies.
Advice and recommendations from a psychologist
So that parents can help their child cope with the problem of theft, it is recommended to use the following advice from psychologists.
- Parents need to develop the child's respect for other people's property.
- As early as possible, it is necessary to develop the right attitude towards money and values.
- It is worth constantly maintaining psychological contact and being attentive to all events in the child’s life.
- Find out first for yourself, and then explain to your child the concepts of “what is good” and “what is bad.”
It should be remembered that each child is individual and the advice and recommendations of specialists should be used with caution
It is important to monitor the child’s behavior during an educational conversation and try to conduct the dialogue in an even voice, without intimidation or shouting.
At what age do children start lying?
- At the age of 3-4 years, children's thinking is already sufficiently developed to invent unrealistic situations and fantasize. At this age, such behavior can hardly be called deception, because it is part of the development of the psyche. Kids talk about things that do not correspond to the truth, completely openly and without malicious intent, without fear of punishment.
- After 4 years, children are already able to distinguish between what is good and bad. Therefore, violating the prohibitions of parents and others, they may try to cheat and tell lies in order to avoid punishment or condemnation.
- From 5 to 7 years old, children are already well aware of the behavior of others. Seeing how adults tell lies, they imitate those around them and take on this behavior themselves, considering it the norm. If a child begins to lie at this age, parents need to explain in a gentle or playful way why it is impossible to lie, in order to prevent pathological lying at an older age.
- At 13-14 years old, the transition to adulthood begins. By this point, they have a clear picture of their perception of the world and choose a certain line of behavior in life. During such a difficult period, an incorrectly formed attitude towards honesty can lead to lies becoming part of a teenager’s lifestyle, which can have a negative impact in adult life.
At this special age, parents need to be especially attentive to their children, but not overdo it with control. At the first signs of lying, you should understand the reasons and help overcome this shortcoming.
Scold or not
A 10-year-old child lies and doesn’t listen? Parents are increasingly faced with such problems. But you shouldn’t think that children behave this way because they are spoiled. As a rule, it's the other way around.
Should children be scolded if they are caught in a lie? Psychologists assure that punishment and scolding are useless in this matter. They can only make the situation worse. Instead, you should calmly talk to the liar, explain why you should not lie, and also try to find out why the minor began to tell lies.
Mom and Dad will have to remain calm. Aggression will not help in this case. But you can easily destroy the fragile parent-child connection.
Lies and age
Psychologists note that a child uses his first skills of simple and easy deception starting from six months of his life. Typically, this is laughter or crying used to attract the attention of adults.
With age, deception begins to take on more sophisticated forms. How can this be explained? The fact is that at each age certain difficulties arise in the formation of a child’s character. Parents who set out to wean their child from constant lies and deception should take this into account. The first step to achieving your goal is, of course, eliminating the reasons that provoke lies. Next, it is recommended to take the advice of educational psychologists who offer educational methods in accordance with the age of the child.
The main reason for lying in children
What to do if a child constantly lies? In general, this is a bad sign; leaving it unattended can lead to huge problems in the future. But before you scold your child for yet another lie, you need to understand why he behaved this way.
Unfortunately, the main reason for children's lies is a lack of trust in the parent or in the mother and father at the same time. With the help of lies, children try to protect themselves from situations and emotions that they do not want to experience/endure.
Is a 10 year old child lying? What to do? You need to understand what the root cause of this behavior is. There are a lot of options for the development of events!
Who's really to blame?
People around the child should pay attention first of all to themselves and think about what they did to provoke it. Perhaps they did not explain the reasons why he does not have this or that thing, perhaps they showed greed towards him
Or maybe, when distributing funds within the family, some of its members - children - did not receive proper financial attention. How often do we do this? Dad can afford to spend part of his salary on drinking beer with friends, but the child cannot afford anything - he doesn’t earn any money. And if parents ignore his needs, this will not lead to anything good. The family budget should be distributed among all its members - including those who cannot yet earn money
It is important
Of course, a lot depends on what kind of theft happened: was it the first time - or has it become a pattern? What exactly was stolen? Both the behavior of adults and the degree of punishment depend on this. It’s one thing if a child steals candy or an orange - he can do it out of hunger or because he simply doesn’t see such treats at home. It’s another matter if a child who has a phone takes another one for himself. Parents faced with such a problem should be puzzled not only by the issue of punishment, but, above all, by finding out the reasons for the theft.
Root causes of lies
Lying among adults, as a rule, is perceived as betrayal, but not as acutely as if a child is caught lying. Parents often scold their offspring without understanding the root causes of such behavior. Such a decision will not bring any positive results - most likely, a scolded and even punished child will continue to tell lies. Does your child constantly lie? What to do?
Psychologists say that children's lies can have different root causes. For example:
- Strictness that goes beyond the boundaries of what is acceptable. Children who are held in tight rein and in excessive strictness are prone to lie. They are looking for a way to get what they want without being scolded or punished.
- Attention deficit. By lying, a minor attracts attention to himself. This principle applies not only to parents, but also to peers. You want to look cool, which means sometimes you have to tell lies.
- Manipulation. Quite often, parents don't think about how they talk to their children. They often use manipulation. For example, when a child does not obey, they clutch at their heart or begin to cry demonstratively, saying something like “You will drive me into a grave!” or “I’ll go crazy with you!” The child's only way of protecting himself in this case will be to lie.
- Problems with self-esteem. Lying helps you assert yourself and pretend to be who you want. The child tries to seem better than he really is.
- Relationship crisis or personal problems. Sometimes children lie if they are going through a crisis (including in their relationship with their parents) or are faced with problems that they cannot tell their parents about. It doesn't matter for what reasons. During a crisis in the family, lies can be accompanied by vandalism.
In the end, a minor may simply have a rich imagination. And by lying he did not mean any harm. The stories in this case are of an entertaining nature.
Advice from a psychologist to parents if your child steals
If your child steals or took the thing he needed without asking, it means he was unable to cope with his inner desires and has an emotional deficit. Perhaps your child lacked basic knowledge, self-control, or was stressed. This means that he needs psychological help and support.
This problem can be solved in one of the following ways: the child will be helped by classes with a psychologist, or the second option is for you, as a parent, to come to me for a psychological consultation, and if you live in another city and cannot come to my psychological center on Tsvetnoy Boulevard, then it is possible consultation with a psychologist online.
If your child rarely lies, then there is no need to worry.
If a teenager tells lies quite rarely, then there is no need to worry about it. This happens in the life of every person. Telling the truth all the time is impossible.
If a teenager lies regularly, even in small things, then you urgently need to intervene in the situation. Try to get him to start telling the truth. And he didn't use lies as a defense mechanism.
Tips on how to cure lying in teenagers
How to deal with a cheating teenager:
- A conversation on the topic of lying should begin in a calm, balanced state, having previously thought through the questions that will be asked.
- In order not to offend the teenager or push him away from communication, you can first record your questions on a voice recorder and listen to them - perhaps some wording may sound tactless.
- Before starting the conversation, make sure that the child is in a calm mood and is not overexcited or tired.
- It is better to start a conversation with phrases that will make it clear that the parent is friendly. For example, “Listen, they say here that...” or “Is it true that they told me...”. Such phrases will help the deceiver to begin to present the situation himself, and not to extract information from him.
- Having found out the reason why the teenager lied, you need to show him your sympathy and willingness to help. For example, with the phrase “Let’s think together about how to do...”.
- If punishment is still inevitable, then it would be nice to express your regret: “I’m very sorry, but I’ll have to limit you to...” It’s better not to use phrases with the word “punishment.”
- At the end of the conversation, express sincere hope that the situation will improve: “You will succeed”, “I believe that you will be able to next time...”.
Show that lying is not the only way out of a situation
When communicating with your child, you need to teach him that issues with parents can be resolved through sincere conversations. With a detailed statement of the position on what does not suit the teenager. And not lies.
This is necessary so that the teenager understands: it is not necessary to use lies to achieve your goals. You can find a way out of the situation if you talk honestly.
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Inconsistency with parents' aspirations
This type of behavior usually occurs among schoolchildren. Having reached adolescence, they seek to escape parental pressure and control. For example, a mother wants her daughter to be a musician, but the girl likes to draw. Or a boy dreams of a radio club, and his dad wants him to become a translator. When their parents are not at home, these children design and draw, and then say that they studied English or music. Sometimes a child with average abilities, whose parents want to see him as an excellent student, also lies. Such a student constantly makes excuses, talking about the bias of teachers.
What to do if a child lies because he does not fulfill the wishes of his parents? Adults need to understand that they most likely dream of their children doing what they themselves once failed to do. Or maybe such expectations contradict the interests and inclinations of the child? In addition, you need to understand that a son or daughter will not be able to achieve success in an unloved business. In order to correct the situation, psychologists recommend giving children the opportunity to go their own way. In this case, there will be much less deception in the family.
How to deal with a teenager telling lies?
Of course, there is no general recipe here; we will discard the slobbering commandments regarding trust in the family immediately and categorically, but there is a rule that has helped me out more than once: at the first signs of a child’s deviation from the general line, I launched a secret investigation, collected facts, and after two -, rarely during a four-hour interrogation, the innocent creature, pinned to the wall, usually shed tears, smeared snot and gave evidence.
Catharsis set in, measures were taken, and for some time the child really was touchingly truthful, diligent and noble. Not for long. Within thirty-six hours. They are not capable of more.
Garry Knight / flickr.com (CC BY 2.0)
Adults (parents, teachers) consider lying to be an absolute evil. But teenagers don't. O.V. Barsukova published the results of her interesting empirical research, which showed that teenagers do not consider lying to be an exclusively negative phenomenon that requires exposure and punishment.
Remember, you won’t be able to open a teenager like a tin can.
Why do many 13-14 year old teenagers constantly lie?
Before scolding a child for lying, you need to find out the reasons for this behavior:
The need for independence
Teenagers most often consider themselves to be quite adults who make independent decisions. This increases their self-esteem and gives them an incentive to improve themselves. A ban on certain actions or actions will inevitably lead to the teenager starting to tell lies and be rude, trying to defend his right. Irritation and punishment will only aggravate the situation, and parents risk completely losing the trust of their child, who will persistently stick to his line.
In such a situation, it is best to assess how harmless the teenager’s independent actions are. If he does unacceptable things, it is necessary to calmly and gently explain that he cannot yet do certain things himself. If necessary, you can offer an alternative.
For example, if a child skips classes, considering studying a waste of time, then you can offer him the right to a free day once a month, which he can spend on his hobbies.
Personal space
Overly ambitious parents, who want to raise a child prodigy according to all the canons of education, monitor not only his studies, but also all his activities outside of school. This may concern friends, hobbies, favorite music. It may seem to some that the teenager communicates with peers unworthy of his level or social status. In such situations, excessive control or punishment for disobedience can lead to the child closing himself off from his parents and starting to lie in defense of his right to privacy.
It is important to listen to the teenager’s wishes and find a joint solution. There is no need to prohibit him from music that his parents don’t like, because everyone’s tastes are different.
And communication with friends who cause suspicion can be transferred to the home environment, naturally, without adult intervention. This option will give him the right to communicate, and his parents will be able to take a closer look at his friends.
Fear of punishment
By the age of 13-14 years, children already understand that they will be punished for bad behavior. Trying to avoid trouble, teenagers try to keep things quiet or deceive their parents. Most often at this age, conflicts arise due to poor performance or lack of discipline at school.
You need to understand that a child is not a robot and cannot always cope with the school load. It is completely unfair to punish someone for a bad grade without finding out the reasons. It is best to understand the situation in a calm mood and try not to raise your tone. It would be a good idea for parents to remember that mistakes happen at work, which sometimes adults themselves hide behind lies or omissions.
Features of temperament
A tendency to fantasize and embellishment occurs in many people at this age.
If a child talks about his successes and is a little disingenuous, then it is best not to pay attention to this fact at all, but to once again praise and show attention. But some children get so excited that they can no longer stop and even believe their own lies.
It often happens that teenagers deliberately lie, most often causing a negative reaction. With a lack of attention, children deliberately irritate their parents. If it seems that a son or daughter has become rude and impudent, then in most cases the reason for this is the busyness of parents who have abandoned their children. This situation often occurs in families in which there are younger children who receive more attention and care.
What motivates teenagers to lie to their parents?
Parents suffer severe disappointment when their child begins to lie, dodge, and shield himself. But before you take offense at a teenager, invent punishments for him and read long lectures, it is worth delving into the reasons for deception. Only by understanding the child’s true motives can you come up with a method for solving problems.
Fear of upsetting parents
Teenage lies are not always something negative. Sometimes a child is simply afraid of upsetting his beloved parents. For example, a mother buys her son or daughter a smartphone that her child has dreamed of for so long, but the phone breaks. This situation is sad, but the child is even more upset when he understands that his mother will be upset. Such an unpleasant situation forces the teenager to lie, dodge and evasively answer questions related to the smartphone. A teenager can get a part-time job after school (or instead of school) in order to raise money to fix a phone or buy a new one, starting to lie about his pastime, so that his mother does not find out about the trouble that has happened. Such a lie will be temporary and will only testify to the child’s good upbringing and sincere love for his parents.
Need for self-defense
One of the most common reasons for lying among teenagers. It is caused by the parents themselves when the child lacks trust. For example, if a family is characterized by an authoritarian style of interaction (“I speak - you listen”), then at an earlier age the child could not even think about lying - he was afraid of punishment. And in adolescence, it is a challenge to domineering parents and an opportunity to limit their influence on your life and personality. Sometimes, lying is the only way out, because the teenager is sure that his parents will not appreciate the truth. A secret does not have to be associated with something forbidden. This may be choosing a specialty at a university that is not what your parents wanted, playing rock music, or communicating with people “undesirable” for the family. If parents do not understand their mistake in time and do not try to build a trusting relationship, the gap in communication between them and the child will increase.
Need for personal space
Many parents refuse to realize that their child has already grown up; he is actively becoming an individual separate from his parents. A necessary condition is to have your own space, where parents do not have the right to break into without asking. For example, many mothers see nothing wrong with rummaging through their children’s personal belongings, reading their diaries, or hacking into correspondence on social networks. Justifying your unworthy behavior with concern. If the situation is familiar to you, then it’s time to realize that a child is not a thing. If he is not ready to share something secret with his parents, there is no need to insist. He has the right to secrets. If the child does not give cause for strong concern, do not press with reproaches for secrecy. Give time and space. Maybe your child is having his first relationship with the opposite sex or has had a quarrel with an old friend. When he is ready to talk about his secret, he will do it. But only to those parents in whom he is confident. If you act behind your back, there will never be trust again.
Getting Parents' Attention
Not all parents interfere in their children's lives. Some are too busy for this. Their whole life consists of work and constant worries. A teenager is no longer perceived as a child who needs help and control. Parents see that he is alive, fed and occupied with something. That's enough for them. Such indifference is very painful for a teenager. He needs support, warmth, affection. There is a high probability that he will begin to invent problems and illnesses for himself in order to attract parental attention. Or he will behave in the most inappropriate way, just to find out that his parents care about his life. Even swearing in his direction is perceived as a sign of attention.
An attempt to gain authority
A teenager really wants to seem like an adult in the company of peers who behave in the same provocative manner. “Adult” secrets appear: relationships, smoking, drinking alcohol, discos, dangerous hobbies. All this, as it seems to a teenager, makes him an adult and independent. But he understands perfectly well: his parents will have a different opinion. This behavior is typical of children with low self-esteem, for whom peer recognition is vital. In this situation, parents should be especially careful and patient. If you understand that your child is lying about his pastime, start a conversation very carefully. Say that you are very worried, tell them that you are not ideal either. It is very important to convey to the child the fact that authority can be gained in other ways. And if friends only admit destructive hobbies, these are people who cannot be trusted.
Negative atmosphere in the family
We are not talking about dysfunctional families here. Quite the opposite. If a stressful situation occurs in the family, it is difficult for the child to cope with it and reorient. For example, parents’ divorce or their decision to have a second child secretly from the first. Parents believe that they are protecting their beloved teenager from “adult” problems. But the teenager himself sees the situation differently. In a state of stress, a teenager loses ground under his feet. It seems to him that there is no stability and trust anywhere. In this state, he will seek support and understanding. And he may find it with the wrong people. During times of stress, children tend to associate with “bad company.” Parents should not hide disagreements or other important events in the life of the family. The child has the right to know and participate in family affairs.
Excessive load
Parents have no idea: modern children have a very difficult time. They experience stress every day at school. Sometimes the load is so high that it can be extremely difficult to cope with it. Therefore, children lie about their academic performance and unfinished homework. But if a teenager, in addition to his main activities, also has several clubs and endless responsibilities around the house, then maybe this is too much?
Irresponsibility
A reason for which there is no excuse. During adolescence, the concept of responsibility must be formed. If his parents instilled him from early childhood. At the age of 11-15 you should already understand: you should be responsible for everything said and done. A lie that was not noted by parents once and was not followed by an obligatory conversation gives rise to new deceptions. If you don’t nip these moments in the bud, lying will become a way of life. And the child will not feel guilty at all for untruthful words.
Mythomania
A critical case suggesting a personality disorder. Mythomaniacs are also called pathological liars. People with this syndrome live in captivity of fantasy. The child invents completely fantastic and illogical stories. He may have a very vivid imagination, but there is a difference between fantasizing and mythomania. In the first case, the child understands that he made everything up and is not offended when other people do not believe in the stories. A person with mythomania is convinced that he is right and he aggressively defends his point of view. The mythomaniac does not pursue a specific goal and does not seek profit from his lies.
Those people who have no confidence in life and have not been able to achieve their goals are susceptible to mythomania. That’s why dreams and illusions arise about one’s success. They do not realize the harmful consequences of such self-deception for the psyche. As a rule, others stop taking the mythomaniac seriously. The more they help him plunge into his own illusory world. Parents should pay special attention to such behavior, because it is almost impossible to cope with the problem without the help of a psychotherapist.
Why do teenagers lie? “Advice from a child psychologist” in Morning at 7
The problem of child theft
Childhood is the time of formation of the personality of a future person; this period is very responsible and dangerous at the same time. If parents miss important moments, the consequences will affect the child's entire life. The greatest changes during growing up occur during adolescence, however, the roots of changes appear much earlier. It is much easier to stop the first changes, rather than wait until criminal acts become the norm and become permanent.
It may seem that the once obedient toddler has suddenly turned into a brash and rude teenager. But this is far from true, you can simply miss all the dangerous signals and let the situation take its course.
A person cannot exist without communication and interaction with people. However, the social environment is very aggressive; from the first steps, the child begins to defend his rights for his “place in the sun.” Self-affirmation, for some children, becomes a priority idea. Very unsightly methods can be used - drinking alcohol, drugs, rude behavior, robbery. Statistics show that deviant behavior is observed in every sixth child. According to anonymous surveys, about 6% of secondary school students admitted to theft; the real numbers are probably even higher.
The problem of child theft is very difficult, but solvable
It is important not to go to extremes: on the one hand, completely ignore it, on the other, react with panic, aggression, and misunderstanding. The key to an effective fight is to find the causes of theft
