It's time to grow up: 10 signs of infantile parents

“Live in the moment” - this principle is promoted within modern culture.
Moreover, this principle has little in common with the “here and now” rule, which is especially actively used in Gestalt therapy. The principle of “here and now” is about the ability to live in the present and enjoy it, but at the same time not forget about the experience of the past or about making plans for the future. While modern culture gives a person completely different guidelines: “live for this moment, don’t think about the future, take everything you can from life!” In some cases, such guidelines help a person become a multifaceted personality, develop in different directions and try himself in different types of activities. On the other hand, these features of modern culture can contribute to the manifestation of infantilism. Infantilism means immaturity of development, the presence of childish personality traits in a person or their manifestations in behavior. An infantile person may outwardly look like an adult, but, in essence, it is as if he remains an “adult child.” The peculiarities of modern culture especially contribute to the preservation and development of infantile personality traits: a wide choice of entertainment, the cult of “eternal youth”... All this leads to the fact that a person postpones the process of growing up “for later” and turns into a small child, enclosed in the shell of an adult. Of course, not all “childish” traits are necessarily signs of infantilism. In addition, being not overly developed, infantile traits can be within the norm, and only when strongly expressed do they become unpleasant attributes of infantilism. So, the signs of infantilism include:

Egocentrism

The first sign of an infantile personality is egocentrism. Moreover, it is worth noting that the concept of egocentrism is not identical with egoism. A selfish person simply does not care about the feelings and needs of other people, while a person with pronounced egocentrism is not even able to understand the state and needs of another. For such people there is only one center of the universe - they themselves. And there is only one correct point of view - the point of view of the egocentric himself. The people around him seem to be present in this person’s picture of the world, but the egocentric is not able to understand these others. Their thoughts, feelings, hopes - all this is of no interest to the egocentric. The people around him are assessed according to the criterion of “usefulness - uselessness.” If a particular person satisfies the needs of an egocentric person and creates an atmosphere of comfort for him, then such a person is assessed as “good”, and if not, then he is assessed as “bad”.

For a small child, this position is natural - he has not yet learned to put himself in the place of another, has not learned to understand other people and accept their point of view. However, over time, the child learns to understand the world around him, he learns to appreciate the experiences of other people. This is probably why the behavior of an egocentric adult looks so unnatural: outwardly an adult, but acts like a child. And egocentrism does not have a positive effect on relationships, because establishing a relationship with a person who does not know how and does not want to understand you is not at all easy.

Restlessness or learning disability?

Infantile children most often study poorly, but not due to a lack of ability. The main difficulty that a teacher or educator faces is the inability of an infantile child to join in the overall work: he does not even try to do it, he randomly asks questions that are not related to the matter. Moreover, this behavior is often combined with the child’s sincere desire to live up to his own ideas about a “good student.” He tries to sit up straight, raises his hand as high as possible, and jumps up joyfully when asked. But after a fairly short time, immediate desires overpower, and the child interrupts the teacher, talks with a neighbor, and walks around the class. Such children are prone to foolishness and clownery; at school they are characterized by restlessness, disinhibition, and inability to behave in class.

Let's try to understand why this happens. For an infantile child, the very situation of communication with an adult or peer is more important, and any task is significant only insofar as it is woven into this communication situation. For example, he stretches out his hand with all his might, asking to be asked. When the teacher calls him, he stands up, proud that he was called, and, smiling joyfully, remains silent. It turns out that the question has already been forgotten, but the child doesn’t even think about it, because he was “summoned”!

Such a child is distracted from his tasks by extraneous sounds, sudden memories, footsteps in the corridor, and his neighbor’s markers, which naturally complicates his learning, and teachers note that he is constantly distracted. Infantile children, as a rule, are inexhaustible in fantasies and games, but in their studies they quickly get tired and fed up. The need for persistent, systematic work causes passive protest in such a child.

Speaking about the infantilism of children, we must remember that immaturity concerns emotional and volitional manifestations, without at all affecting the intellectual sphere: an “forever small” child can be capable and talented. Especially in such areas of human activity as music, invention, writing, acting. After all, high achievements in these areas are possible precisely because of brightness, imagery, vividness of thinking, expressive emotionality and spontaneity of behavior.

Lack of desire for independence

The next sign of an infantile personality is the lack of desire for independence, dependency. Moreover, this does not mean living entirely at the expense of another person. And the reluctance to show independence in servicing one’s own needs. Wives very often complain about this manifestation of infantilism on the part of men: the husband does not help at all around the house, does not even do the laundry or do the dishes... Most often, men explain this inability to self-care by the fact that all this is “not a man’s business”, and in general , he also “earns money.” As a result, an adult and responsible man, when he comes home, turns into an infantile boy, and his wife can only take on the responsibilities of a caring mother.

The desire to play as a sign of infantilism

It should immediately be noted that we are not talking about playfulness in itself, but only about the option when the search for entertainment turns into a primary task for a person, relegating other activities to the background. The worst thing for a person focused exclusively on games and entertainment is boredom.

“Games” and entertainment in this case can be different: passion for computer games, shopping, going to bars with friends, constant purchases of “technical toys”... There is nothing wrong with all these activities, but in his desire for entertainment, the infantile personality loses a sense of proportion and then the desire for eternal games becomes a sign of infantilism.

Emotionality or inadequacy?

Infantile children differ from their peers in their naivety and carelessness; their desire for play and pleasure prevails over all their interests. They often prefer the company of younger children or, on the contrary, adults who patronize them. They try to capture their attention as much as possible: show them the toys they brought, boast about things, complain about conflicts with peers.

Often they are not capable of volitional efforts, do not take into account the consequences of their own actions, and do not know how to restrain their feelings. Their mood often changes: from violent manifestations of joy and delight they easily move to tears, sobs and despair and back. Here's another practical example.

During the break, the teacher saw eight-year-old Yura crying bitterly and brought him into class, trying to understand the reason for the tears and console him. It turns out that the older boys called him “Postman Pechkin” because of the bag that Yura carries over his shoulder. Complaining about the offenders, Yura suddenly smiled, his face suddenly lit up - he remembered some girl who once called him Yuri Gagarin. The boy immediately laughed, wiping his wet eyelashes.

Such rapid emotional switching, expressive facial expressions and impressionability captivate and touch adults. And often, behind such childishness, they do not notice the obvious superficiality of feelings, the generally inadequate reaction and emotional incontinence of the child.

This example is not as harmless as it seems at first glance. Firstly, such behavior of a child in kindergarten or school violates the rules of behavior in a team, which may well lead to the fact that such a child will become the subject of ridicule and bullying from peers. Secondly, it greatly complicates the work of educators and teachers who are forced to pay full attention to such an infantile child, while other children are left unattended.

Parents, kindergarten teachers and teachers are confused by spontaneity, inappropriate behavior for age and children’s inability to adapt to reality. The lack of ideas about what is possible and what is not gives rise to a manner of free and even unceremonious relations with adults.

Another example from school life confirms this.

Nine-year-old Natasha approached her classmate’s mother and, while she was talking with the teacher, opened the woman’s bag and began to lay out the contents with interest, looking at it. When my mother finally turned around, she was amazed to find her phone, keys, cosmetics and documents laid out on her school desk.

Of course, although this situation goes beyond basic decency, it can again touch someone with its childish spontaneity. However, more dangerous variants of such gullibility of infantile children in relation to unfamiliar adults are also quite likely: a child is able to approach anyone on the street and start a conversation, follow a stranger who can use this childish openness for his own purposes, which are not always noble. So infantilism in certain cases is fraught with serious consequences.

Difficulties with making and implementing decisions as a manifestation of mental infantilism

One of the most common manifestations of mental infantilism is difficulty making decisions and implementing them.

What distinguishes a mature adult from a small child is the development of volitional processes. An adult knows how to take his will into his fist and simply do what is supposed to be done, despite fatigue, reluctance to do anything and banal laziness. In children, the volitional sphere is not yet sufficiently developed, so for them, reluctance to do something can become the main reason for not performing any actions.

In order to make and implement a decision, a person must have a strong will and developed cognitive abilities. The child is not yet able to make decisions on his own: someone else does it for him - an adult who takes responsibility for the life and actions of the child. When an adult reveals an inability to accept and implement his decision, this is a manifestation of mental infantilism.

Infantile age

Positive changes in the development of infantile children can be expected by the age of 10-12 years. And here parents should be especially careful: this does not always happen. In some cases, the pace of maturation is so slow that even during this period—early adolescence—infantile children are eager to travel, imagine themselves as famous characters, and dream of exploits and discoveries. Due to the constant desire for new experiences, immature children often run away from home and end up in various adventurous stories.

Sometimes the process of growing up drags on so much that even after adolescence, a young person makes decisions rashly and thoughtlessly, carries out assignments irresponsibly, and his judgments are strikingly naive and superficial. So the consequences of lack of independence in adolescence are much more serious.

The situation is completely subject to correction. A psychologist can help with this and, if necessary, advise you to consult with other specialists. It is better for parents of children prone to infantilism to start acting as early as possible, without waiting until adolescence. Pavlik’s parents, who turned to me for help when the child was 10 years old, managed to change their child’s behavior in time. Perhaps their experience and my recommendations will help other families.

Irresponsibility regarding one's life and lack of goals for the future

If a person does not want to make and implement decisions on his own, he can completely shift responsibility for his own life onto the shoulders of another person. In a relationship with a person who had to take responsibility for an infantile personality, they choose the role of a small child who needs support from an adult. In addition, infantile individuals are completely incapable of building a perspective for the future, because infantiles, in essence, remain children, and for a child there is only one time - “now”. Therefore, concern for the future also falls on the shoulders of the “guardian” of the infantile personality.

Characteristic manifestations

A person may be afraid to take responsibility, be responsible for his actions, make decisions

Infantility can manifest itself differently in different situations. It can characterize your attitude towards your health, starting a family, and marriage. The thinking and character of an infantile person are practically indistinguishable from the thinking of a child. Personal immaturity manifests itself both from a social and psychological perspective. Characteristic signs of infantilism include:

• inability to make decisions without assistance;
• lack of independence;
• unpredictability;
• lack of desire to make adult decisions;
• irresponsibility;
• reluctance to develop;
• self-centeredness and selfishness;
• dependent tendencies;
• lack of life goals;
• addiction tendency;
• inadequacy;
• disturbance of perception;
• failure to adapt;
• lack of social advancement;
• difficulty in communication.

An infantile person can be identified by behavioral characteristics.

1. Such people are in no hurry to answer for their actions; they will happily hide behind the backs of their friends, wives or parents.
2. The infant lives playfully. Such a person is fond of shopaholism, attends parties, and hangs out in computer games.
3. He is unable to conduct introspection and is closed in on his personality. Because of this, difficulties arise in understanding other people, the realization that others may perceive the world around them differently.
4. Does not know how to take into account the interests of other people. This leads to difficulties in communication. It's hard to make new acquaintances and make contact with people. The phrase “no one understands me” is typical.
5. A person has no goals in life, he lives for today.
6. He does not know how to predict the future or make plans. Does not build strategies in behavior in order to achieve certain goals. He rejoices in results that can satisfy his needs at the moment.
7. In almost all cases, the infantile personality is low-income, has difficulty finding a job, and has no career advancement.
8. Looking at an infantile person, you can see a shade of irony or contempt, lowered corners of the lips.

In order to make sure that you are dealing with an infantile personality, pay attention to his relationship with his parents. If they are equal, the person shows care, then this is a good sign. If parents show strong guardianship, invade the subject’s space, and impose their behavior, then an infantile personality occurs.

In men

Let's look at what an infantile man is and the signs of such a condition.

1. The person is incapable of action and is not ready for serious relationships with women.
2. He exhibits egocentrism, an obsession with his own personality. He considers himself a leader in any situation. When problems arise, he blames others.
3. Inability to independently take care of yourself in everyday life. Such a husband cannot do housework. For him, it seems like a tragedy to wash the dishes or do the cleaning.
4. Such men spend a lot of time playing games and can spend hours on the Internet.
5. He often chooses a woman who is older than him and counts on parental care. If such a chosen one is found, the person remains a child forever.
6. The man does not achieve much success in his career, often works in a low-paid position, and does not strive for anything.
7. There may be no hobbies or ability for self-development.

Among women

An infantile woman is one who has never been able to grow up.
She remains a little princess. Let's look at what an infantile, immature woman is, and the signs of such a condition.

1. An image of a little girl is created that makes men want to care and protect. Often, experienced men who have achieved a lot in life choose such frivolous, spoiled women because they allow them to relax and change their usual way of life.
2. Such women dream of meeting a young man who would play the role of daddy. When looking for a potential groom, they are looking for a courageous, wealthy partner.
3. An infantile girl finds herself in extreme situations, in bad stories, and constantly needs to be saved.
4. Such a young lady is more likely to wear a sporty type of clothing, often reminiscent of children's outfits, with more sparkles, rhinestones, and prints.
5. Such a woman, as a rule, has many friends. She is cheerful and energetic. Her social circle is represented by people who are younger than her. Men with such a woman are never bored.
6. An infantile young lady may not actually be like that. Such a model of behavior may be a forced measure. A girl manipulates her partner in this way; she can pretend to be offended when, in fact, she is very angry, deliberately shed tears, and show a sad mood. She can pretend to be confused if she doesn’t know what she wants, she easily makes a man believe that he is in charge, that without him she will be lost and will not survive.

Infantility in children

This state is fully consistent with the development of the child’s psyche. If you pay attention in time to the relationship between the child and his parents, you can trace the beginnings of the development of adult infantilism:

• the baby can constantly evade responsibility and obligations, while the parents indulge his desires;
• In a child's life, interest in games rather than in studies predominates; parents encourage him.

Teachers may indicate possible development of immaturity when a student in class:

• plays more games;
• there is restlessness;
• cannot concentrate on any task;
• emotional instability;
• immaturity and hysteria;
• such children distract others in class;
• they don't complete tasks;
• communicate mainly with those who are younger.

Such kids suffer from neuroses and become withdrawn.

Inability to know and evaluate oneself

And the last sign of an infantile personality is the inability to evaluate one’s behavior, one’s actions and oneself, as well as the inability to reflect and self-knowledge. In order to have the ability for adequate self-esteem and self-knowledge, a person must be able to look back and critically evaluate all the events of his past. However, this is too difficult for an infantile personality; she prefers not to look back, but to live only in the present moment...

These are the main signs of an infantile personality. In small doses, all these signs help to preserve the child inside oneself, but when overdeveloped, they turn a person into an “eternal child” in need of constant care.

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