Before we begin to analyze the constant quarrels in the family, let's note that quarrels in general are a completely natural process that arises as a result of people communicating with each other. Quarrels between parents and children, between colleagues, neighbors, fellow travelers. Quarrels are of great importance for the development and formation of interpersonal relationships. Often it is during such a verbal confrontation that controversial issues that prevent the relationship from developing further are settled.
A good quarrel is like shaking out the rug of a relationship with a broom.
Why do family quarrels happen?
People living under the same roof can find a huge variety of reasons for a quarrel: unwashed dishes, socks scattered around the house, correspondence with a colleague, low salary, lack of help around the house, etc.
But there are far fewer reasons for quarrels in the family - those true reasons that push people to raise their voices, snap back, hurl insults and reproaches at the first convenient, often far-fetched, reason. And it is precisely the unresolved, unclear nature of these reasons that poses a particular danger to family relationships.
A quarrel naturally breaks the silence and in a family union of two people who are disappointed in each other acts like opening an abscess - it relieves pain and starts the healing process. Janusz Wisniewski
Let's give an example (a quarrel over money)
: A wife is annoyed by her husband's laziness. He often lies on the sofa for a long time with a smartphone or laptop in his hands, while his wife does household chores. At the same time, since the wife’s salary is less than her husband’s, she does not want to reproach him for idleness. But she gradually gets tired of doing everything alone, because she also gets tired at work.
Irritation accumulates, frequent quarrels arise in the family over issues that the wife really cares little about. For example, she makes scandals for leaving a tube of toothpaste unscrewed, papers scattered on the sofa, leaving the light on at night, etc. The husband, who is unaware of the true reason for his wife’s dissatisfaction, gradually comes to the conclusion that he married a psychopath and hysteric. The family is breaking down. Only a heart-to-heart conversation can save her, during which the wife will finally express her real complaints against her husband.
The above example of behavior is most typical for women. Men, as a rule, are more straightforward, and therefore the reasons and reasons for their quarrels most often either coincide or are very close. For example, when a husband makes a scandal because of his wife’s short skirts (the reason for the quarrel), he is most likely very jealous of her (the reason for the quarrel).
Tips for your wife
In a relationship, the main thing is to be interested in each other's affairs. Ask your spouse how his day was . Don't push his interests into the background. Sometimes you can pamper your beloved one with small gifts. It could be some little thing, a romantic evening, or just a walk around the city at night. Gifts like these bring joy to a relationship, just like the moment they met.
also important to praise your life partner, talk about love, and admire his achievements . Representatives of the stronger sex appreciate it when their chosen ones express pride in them. Even the most stingy men with tenderness will be happy with such manifestations of feelings.
Unfortunately, sometimes people try to make peace too late. If your husband sees a catch in your words, and a delicious dinner seems raw and unsalted to him, perhaps it’s time to think about breaking up. It is worth saving a family when spouses quarrel not because they do not love each other, but only because they cannot contain their emotions.
Why do spouses quarrel?
In addition to the reasons and reasons, a family quarrel has goals:
- The first goal is to prove your superiority in something
. This is a special case, but still it occurs quite often in families. The reasons for this behavior lie not in the behavior of the spouse, but in the person who is starting the quarrel. A certain personality type, a number of unresolved personal psychological problems push the instigator of a quarrel to provoke it. - The second goal is to force the partner to change his point of view
(position, plans, style of behavior). As a rule, such quarrels are based on some materialistic factors. Buy a sofa or not, go to the park or visit your mother-in-law this weekend, hang a chandelier in the living room or make do with wall sconces. Such quarrels are more constructive than those described above if the spouses find a common language in them. - The third goal is to break off family relationships
. When one person is dissatisfied with something in a marriage, is not satisfied with his partner, his appearance, character, behavior, he (with a certain character) will do everything to break up with him. But if there are children in the family, or there are other factors that do not allow them to simply go their separate ways, quarrels will arise again and again until life together turns into a nightmare, the only way out of which is divorce.
Reduce communication
Women often complain: “My mother-in-law is turning my husband against me.” What to do in such a situation? Reduce contact between your spouse and his mother. You need to find plausible excuses that will allow you to do this. Of course, sometimes this is very difficult, because many mothers-in-law press for pity, saying that this is the fate of all mothers: to raise a child and become unnecessary, some women begin to reproach their son for selfishness and ingratitude. How many times has your husband heard from his mother: “I gave birth to you, raised you, and now your wife comes first!”? Be steadfast. You can refer to your husband’s busyness at work, his sports activities, or something else. But under no circumstances talk about your spouse’s poor health, in this situation you will never get rid of a bad mother-in-law!
Quarrels after the birth of a child
The birth of a child for many couples means finding themselves in a long-term stressful situation. How successfully they resolve it will have a strong impact on the existence of their marriage as such. Conventionally, all quarrels over a child in a family can be divided into two large groups.
Quarrels not directly related to the child
In this case, the root of all quarrels will lie in the changed way of life of the family.
Both husband and wife have new responsibilities, free time has become less, new expenses and worries have arisen, and roles have been redistributed. The woman has now become a mother and housewife, the man has become a father and the main breadwinner in the family. Constantly accumulating fatigue, irritation, and anxiety about the health of the newborn will also sooner or later make themselves felt. This means that quarrels are inevitable.
How to minimize them?
We can give one universal piece of advice: be more tolerant of each other
. It’s not easy for both of you now, but this difficult period after the birth of a child will soon pass and it will be replaced by the joy of realizing that you are the parents of a little Miracle, in which there is a piece of both of you.
Quarrels over a child
How often to bathe, how to put her to bed correctly, whether to go for a walk or not, to call the mother-in-law or mother-in-law, what toys to buy, what to wear...
In most families, such issues are decided by the mother. But sometimes dad, often with the active support of his grandmother-in-law, tries to interfere in everything, heating up the situation and bringing confusion into the already difficult life of the new mother. If the grandmother-in-law also intervenes in the conflict, then a full-scale conflict cannot be avoided.
How to resolve this situation?
To begin with, if possible, send both grandmothers home and call an experienced nanny or pediatrician instead.
If you wish, you can do it on your own - rely on your mind and instincts, and they will tell you the answers to most questions. The Internet is also full of forums and sites where you can get information. The main thing is to remember that the husband and wife in this situation are on the same side of the barricade. Let caring for a child unite you, not separate you. Do not argue over trifles, make concessions more often, do not listen to the advice of others if you feel that because of them your family is cracking. Only you yourself are responsible for the future of your marriage, the well-being of which is now urgently needed by another person - your child.
Bitchy mother in law
The most difficult type of mother-in-law is a powerful woman who is used to having absolutely everyone obey her. Most often, such a lady has only one son; of course, she will even control the process of his breathing! It is incredibly difficult to discourage your chosen one from such a mother-in-law. In addition, she simply will not allow you to establish diplomatic relations with her. She will see you only as a servant for her own son. At the same time, she is firmly convinced that you are not a match for her adored child. What to do if such “Armageddon in a skirt” prevents you from leaving to another continent, or at least to the other end of the city? How to deal with your mother-in-law who sees you as an enemy? Psychologists recommend not to let this situation take its course, because the main goal of a despot mother-in-law is your divorce. The thing is that her beloved son is the basis of her existence; she has absolutely no other goals. That is why psychologists recommend trying to find a new meaning in life for this woman. To do this, you need to thoroughly study the interests of your husband’s mother, her dreams and plans. For example, if all her life she has dreamed of growing crocuses and tulips, but instead works, say, as a primary school teacher, give her a small greenhouse, of course, as an addition to a cozy country house
Believe me, all your expenses will pay off triple! It is extremely important to approach this process creatively and in no case deviate from the intended goal
How to resolve a quarrel in the family
To resolve a quarrel, you need to find out its underlying cause. The best option for this is a heart-to-heart conversation. If there are constant quarrels in the family and things have reached an open conflict, you cannot do without a third party who will help you look at the situation from the outside and offer options for its constructive resolution. It is best if the role of this third party is a family psychologist, and not parents or friends. This will ensure a professional approach and impartiality, which is difficult to expect from friends and family.
Discord in the family is like rainwater on a flat roof. One downpour, another, seemingly imperceptibly, but the water keeps accumulating and accumulating; and one day the roof will collapse on your head. Salman Rushdie
If quarrels are isolated and do not cause significant damage to family relationships, then there may be several options for resolving them. See below.
Adjust to your partner
There are people who themselves are quite conflicted, although not with malicious intent. This is their character. As psychologists say, excitation mechanisms prevail over inhibition mechanisms. Usually these are choleric people. Yelling at a partner because of some little thing is quite in the spirit of such people. At the same time, they can sincerely love their soul mate. If this is your case, then you will have to come to terms with your spouse’s bad character and stop paying attention to changes in his mood.
Find out the true cause of the quarrels
As we already said in the first part of the article, it is necessary to distinguish between the reasons and reasons for quarrels. If you feel like you're constantly irritating your partner with something, but you can't figure out what exactly, find out, by all means. Sometimes you can try to take a roundabout route - talk to your partner's friends or girlfriends, his or her parents, brothers or sisters. In a word, those people whom he trusts and talks about his difficulties. They are usually aware of things and can open your eyes to the true reasons for dissatisfaction.
To push back
Quarrelsome people usually remain so in marriage. As the relationship cools down, they grumble, whine, and make scandals more and more often. The only chance to maintain peace in such a family is to make it clear to your spouse that this trick will not work with you. That you will not tolerate his (her) whining, nagging, endless remarks. Stand firm in your position. Having encountered such behavior on your part, the whiner and grouch will leave you alone and go look for another object to attack.
Don't get involved in a fight
This option is good if your partner loves you and, by and large, everything about you suits him, but at the same time he cannot end up in quarrels.
The true reason for this behavior will lie outside of family relationships. For example, nervous work, a difficult schedule, having sick parents, unsuitable climate, etc. That is, the reason and reasons for the quarrels will also be different, but the reason will not be in you. If you cannot influence her in any way, then the best way to maintain peace in the family is not to get involved in quarrels:
- Do you get reprimanded because your soup is cold? Warm it up silently.
- Do they blame you for dirty windows? Wash them.
- Blamed for idleness? Do something.
Of course, this behavior requires a lot of effort, and only you can decide whether it is worth it or not.
No ultimatums
Of course, one can understand the dissatisfaction and irritation of the daughter-in-law due to the fact that the mother-in-law constantly turns her husband against her. However, it is necessary to refrain from scandals and quarrels, and even more so from ultimatums like “Choose: either me or her.” Do not forget that it will be difficult for your spouse to make a decision, because he literally finds himself between two fires. Do not under any circumstances interfere with his meetings with his mother, by doing so you can only worsen an already difficult situation. In this case, in the eyes of your spouse, his relatives and friends, you will appear as a selfish, insensitive and jealous woman. And believe me, in order to convince everyone around you of this, your mother-in-law will not spare any time or effort.
How to save a relationship after a quarrel
First of all, answer yourself the question, do you want to maintain such a relationship?
If constant quarrels in the family have long become a habit, and you can only communicate with your spouse in a raised voice, something needs to change. Divorce may be one of the not worst ways out of this situation. If, despite everything, you want to maintain the relationship, then you can try to do it on your own or with the help of a family psychologist.
Methods of reconciliation
On the one hand, it’s as easy as shelling pears to improve relationships after a quarrel: buy a cake, ask for forgiveness (only sincerely!), sit over tea, remember the good moments of your life together - that’s it, the conflict is over.
On the other hand, it can be difficult: if the problem occurs again and again; if the one with whom the scandal occurred is a vulnerable and overly sensitive person; if your guilt is enormous, it’s not a fact that they will forgive you for the cake or even agree to communicate. How then can you make peace?
- Wait until all parties to the conflict have calmed down.
- Don't bring up the argument again. On the contrary, distract with other conversations.
- Make jokes (only in a kind way).
- Go somewhere together.
- Ask for advice (even on small things) - this will show the person that you value their opinion.
- Give a gift he/she can't refuse.
And most importantly, correct yourself and don’t make the same mistakes. Take into account what you were told in an argument. Of course, a lot was thrown out of passion, but you probably caught the essence of the conflict and claims against you personally. If you are not required to betray your faith or abandon your own parents (this also happens), picking up your child from kindergarten or taking out the trash can in the evening is still within your power.
Night cuckoo
What to do if your mother-in-law interferes with your life? Experts in the field of family relations say: putting your husband before a choice between himself and his own mother is the greatest stupidity. Life between two fires will certainly end in scandals and even depression. You will not be able to separate your husband from his loved one forever, because any child always worries about his parents. Experts recommend setting priorities in bed. Yes, you understood everything correctly: for some time you will have to manipulate your husband through lovemaking. The word “wife” should be associated with passionate nights, and your name should be the key to erotic memories. After this, you will no longer need the psychologist’s advice on how to get your husband away from his mother-in-law. Monologues from your husband’s mother with a negative connotation in your direction will fly in one ear and fly out the other!
Bad habits
In addition to the fact that bad habits such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. destroy health and relationships, they slowly and surely ruin the family. Read the topic: 20+ simple habits that will make you richer and more successful 16 habits of the poor What would you change if you could go back 10-20 years? Reader Poll Results!
