How to make peace with your mother: if I’m to blame or she’s to blame, the reasons for the conflict

Perhaps the most ancient conflict on our land is the conflict between fathers and children. What a huge number of writers took it as the basis for their works! What is the essence of this problem? If we consider it globally, then this is a lack of mutual understanding between two different generations. The world is changing, and with it some values and principles, and all this leaves its mark on the fate of the generation. They live differently. The older ones say with a sigh: “But in our time...”, and the younger ones: “This is already the last century!” It seems impossible to reconcile the two sides, because in a more local sense it is a problem for each family individually. Which of us has not quarreled with our parents at least once? Such people simply do not exist. Especially in adolescence, when the child becomes a “hedgehog” and releases his “thorns” first of all towards his parents. The reason could be anything: they weren’t allowed to go outside, they didn’t buy what they asked for, they didn’t approve of new friends, they scolded us because of poor studies or behavior, etc. But even when we grow up and successfully go through this period of growing up, The disagreements, unfortunately, do not stop. Yes, perhaps there are fewer of them and they are no longer so groundless, but they do happen.

How can you make peace with your parents if a conflict situation arises? Many people believe that the moment of reconciliation itself is not needed here, because mom and dad love us by default, which means that sooner or later they will calm down and forget. But let’s not forget that we are all human, and we all get hurt and offended, and causing pain to those closest to us is simply a crime. Therefore, let us immediately remember and understand one rule: “If you offend, apologize, if you are offended, know how to forgive.” Each of us can act with other people based on our own moral principles and decide for ourselves whether to forgive or not, but your parents, by the very fact of your birth, have already earned a good attitude towards themselves. Separately, I would like to say about mothers. It is they who most often have to quarrel with children in the family, since the reins of education are mainly in their hands. And it’s always easier to offend a woman than a man, that’s how they are designed. A call not to quarrel with your mother would be very pretentious, so let’s do it this way: if there are to be quarrels, then there will be apologies.

The main reasons for quarrels with mom

In the process of upbringing, parents make high demands on their children, which is the main cause of all conflicts. Mother and father try to introduce strict rules and prohibitions into the child’s life, but often they cannot convincingly convey the reasons for their appearance. Against the backdrop of misunderstanding, a quarrel breaks out. In addition, the causes of conflict situations on the part of the younger generation are considered to be:

constant control of the child and severe restriction of his freedom of action;
ignoring children's opinions and questions;
lack of sufficient attention to the life of a teenager;
frequently comparing your child with other children;
rejection of the teenager’s acquaintances, imposition of his social circle.

READ The main reasons why a man insults a woman
On my mother’s side, the reasons for starting a quarrel are:

ignoring rules and prohibitions;
disobedience;
frequent playing computer games;
poor academic performance;
failure to perform household duties;
presence of a dubious company.

In some cases, both parties have claims against each other. They should be discussed in a calm tone, taking into account the opponent’s opinion. The ability to explain and listen is the main thing for preventing and resolving any conflict.

Child's illness as a regulator of family relationships

Another fairly common way to show your reaction to family relationships, which is often used by children of different ages, is illness.
After all, when a child gets sick, in addition to care and attention, as a bonus he also receives long-awaited peace in relationships between adults, which means this method works. It has been said for a long time that frequently ill children are children who face certain psychological problems. For example, a child is uncomfortable in the kindergarten or he did not find a common language with his classmates in elementary school - and he begins to get sick often. But the situation within the family can also provoke the child’s psyche to find a way out in illness, thereby becoming a regulator of family relationships.

Analysis of situations

The conflict can be long-lasting, accompanied by anger and nervousness. Despite the complexity of the situation, the mother will continue to love her child and, as a result, will still forgive him. It is advisable not to wait until the quarrel resolves itself, but to make an attempt at reconciliation on your own.

READ What to do if a guy is offended: signs of offense and ways to atone for guilt

If it's my fault

You must understand the truth: “If I am to blame, then it is I who will have to become the initiator in order to make peace with my mother.” Once you realize that the fight was your fault, you need to show that you regret your words and actions. Explain to your mother what made you do what you did and promise that it won't happen again. Of course, you will have to keep your word, otherwise the next conflict situation will be much more difficult to resolve.

If she's wrong

Sometimes the founder of the conflict is the mother. In such cases, you need to look at the situation objectively and understand why she has the wrong opinion about you. If your mother wants to take control of everything, then most likely the reason for this was your misdeeds that preceded the conflict.

In any case, you should behave calmly and not show dissatisfaction. Do not try to prove that you are right, especially if your mother does not want to talk about this topic. It would be better to wait for some time and then discuss everything in a calm atmosphere.

Methods of reconciliation

Someone goes through all 6 steps described above in half an hour (most often these are lovers). Others need several hours to cool down (parents and children, for example). In some situations, the pause may last for several days (this usually happens with non-blood relatives).

Making peace after a quarrel is the most difficult thing. But, if this person is dear to you, you will have to do it. Psychologists will tell you exactly how. There are several universal methods that are suitable for absolutely everyone, regardless of who you had a fight with.

Words of reconciliation (you can combine 2-3 phrases at a time, but no more, so as not to overdo it):

Forgive/excuse me please.
I am guilty).
I shouldn't have done that.
I don't want to quarrel with you anymore.
I care about our relationship.
I'll try to improve.

If both understand humor well, you can make peace using humorous phrases:

They say life is boring without quarrels. Maybe we'll finally get bored?
Let's make up before we forget why we quarreled.

If words were not enough or you did not have the opportunity to say them, you will have to move on to more decisive actions so that reconciliation after a quarrel happens faster. Universal methods suitable for any occasion:

send a message (SMS, instant messengers, social networks);
write a letter (electronic or by hand);
make a message live through a radio station if you are sure that the person is listening to it at that moment;
invite to a reconciliatory dinner;
give a gift.

When choosing methods, keep in mind that in some situations it will be enough to apologize, while in others you will have to write a whole poem with explanations. Try to correctly assess the conflict and find the best option.

What to do: step-by-step guide

If a conflict situation arises, it is important to resolve it as quickly as possible and make peace with your mother. The first step that will lead to the improvement of relationships after a strong quarrel will be the utterance of words of apology and repentance. However, it is quite difficult to get through.

READ What to do if a girl is constantly offended by trifles

Think about the situation

Having cooled down a little after a protracted quarrel, think about what happened. Understand what caused the conflict and what role you played in it. Perhaps you had a chance to prevent the quarrel or it happened due to a coincidence. Disagreements can arise even over a trifle, for example, when you and your mother were not in the mood or had a hard day.

Before shifting the blame to your parents, try to assess the situation from their point of view. You will most likely understand their reaction to your words and actions.

Don't make excuses

Parents are not always right in their beliefs, but there is no need to blame only the mother for the development of the conflict. A quarrel cannot arise without the actions of the second participant, which means you should not look for an excuse. Having thought carefully, you will probably remember words, as well as misdeeds that only aggravated the situation and influenced its further development.

Be more tolerant

As soon as emotions subside, loved ones begin to blame themselves for the conflict that occurred. It’s especially difficult for mom in such a situation, so if she doesn’t want to talk, then meet her halfway. Talk to her calmly, trying not to impose your opinion. Ask your mother to express all her arguments and listen to them carefully. Do not start arguing with her, even if the facts listed are incorrect or unfair.

READ How to behave after a quarrel with a man: tips for resolving conflicts

After she finishes speaking, ask her to listen to your opinion without interrupting. If she refuses to discuss the situation, then invite her to reschedule the dialogue for another time. Stop the conversation as soon as you start speaking in a raised voice.

Taking the first steps is difficult, but it is important to be patient and put aside pride. This will allow you to quickly improve the situation in the family and get rid of the worries that spoil your and your parents’ mood. Mom will be grateful for your step forward, which will also help prevent similar disagreements from arising in the future.

Be more proactive

Often parents do not want to think about and discuss what happened. However, you should not stir up the situation with your offended and gloomy appearance. If mom asks for help, then give it to her. Forget about what happened for a while and take the initiative. Continue with your household duties. Maintaining coziness and comfortable conditions in the home helps improve the family atmosphere.

I hate doing homework

One day Bill was working with a boy named Jonah: he was fifteen years old and he hated doing his homework. But Jonah hated the constant scolding and control of his parents even more. When Bill asked Jonah to describe a typical family evening, the boy replied, “We usually have dinner from six to half past seven. Then I can watch TV from half past seven to seven. Then from seven to eight thirty I pretend to do my homework.”

Pretending to do homework for an hour and a half? Why not just make them? Partly because Jonah was tired of hearing common phrases from his parents:

“You only have one shot at getting into a good college and you miss your chance.”

“You will have to learn to do what you don’t want to do.”

“If you don’t do well in school, how will you get anywhere in life?”

Jonah's parents had good intentions, but all he perceived was that we know what's right for you, and you don't.

Imagine you are having a conversation with your husband or wife and he or she says something like this:

"How's your job? Did you like your project? You do understand how important it is that you take your job seriously, right? I mean, I understand that it's not always easy or simple, but it's time for you to try to get a promotion so that you have more opportunities in the future. Maybe you could work a little harder."

The meaning is clear: it would drive you crazy. And it bothered John. The only way he could assert himself was by not doing his homework.

What you definitely can’t do

You should not give up trying to make peace, even if you have not been able to reach a common agreement for a long time. In addition, the number of conflicts can be significantly reduced if you behave correctly when communicating with your mother. The list of factors and actions that aggravate the quarrel that has begun:

Accusations against parents. If you shift responsibility for the conflict onto other people, the resolution of the situation will take a long time. Often a quarrel develops due to the child’s reaction to the parents’ words. By calmly discussing claims, conflict will be avoided.
Ignoring comments and criticism. Learn to listen to your mother. Don't contradict her, even if she criticizes you. Next time she will do the same to you.
Constant expression of disagreement with mom's opinion. Remember that in any case, your parents only wish you happiness. They try to make you better than you are, so they criticize and take control of the situation. Think of a fight as a game of tennis. Your stubbornness acts as a ball. The more you hit the ball, the longer the game will last.
Confidence that your opinion is the only correct one. Try to look at the situation from your mother's side. Imagine that we are talking about your own children who do not want to listen to the opinion of an older person and believe that they are right in everything.
Raising your voice. Talk calmly. Raised dialogue will only aggravate the conflict. Show obedience and agree with your mother's opinion.
A clear expression of one's resentment. To ensure that your opinion is taken into account during an argument, prove to your mother that you are an adult and know how to think rationally.

My fault

It happens that you have a very strong fight with your mother, and then you realize that you were fundamentally mistaken and greatly offended your loved one. How to behave in such a situation.

Say your mistakes out loud. Admit you're wrong.
Talk to your mom sincerely. Sometimes it won’t hurt to cry in a fit of repentance.
Use an individual approach on the path to reconciliation. You know better than anyone else what actions and surprises your mother will be very happy about.
Having a live conversation is important. Even if reconciliation takes more than one hour, you can have a heart-to-heart talk and sort out your feelings.

Advice from experienced psychologists

If you say a lot of unpleasant words to your mother during a conflict, then it will be very difficult to resolve the situation later. You will have to accept your guilt and take action.

READ What to do if a girl is offended: keys to understanding the female soul

Advice from psychologists on how to better improve relationships with your mother:

Sincerely apologize for your words and misdeeds. It is advisable to do this some time after the quarrel. The heated situation will not allow you to sincerely express regret about what happened, as well as convince your mother that you have really rethought everything and are ready to listen to her complaints. Keep yourself in control while listening to criticism again. Do not raise your voice to your mother to avoid new showdowns.
During the apology, it is important to have non-verbal contact with the mother. When you say words of repentance, look into the eyes. As soon as your mother forgives you, give her a big hug. Physical contact is the main element of ending a quarrel. Even if the mother is angry or offended, she will not push her child away.
In the final part of the dialogue, say that you know how much your mother loves you. Let her know that you appreciate her care and will love her under any circumstances.

In the future, celebrate the end of the conflict by going to the movies, visiting a cafe, or simply having a family celebration at home. You can also give your mother a gift or write a poem for her.

With constant care for each other, the desire to quarrel disappears, and minor problems and misdeeds begin to be perceived in a completely new way. You can prevent the start of a conflict, even if your mother has a grumpy character. It is enough, even at the beginning of a quarrel, to offer a compromise that will be beneficial to both parties. It is also important to listen to criticism silently and not to use the rule that says that attack is the best emotional defense. Know how to admit your mistakes and ask for forgiveness for them.

Active cooperation

Relations should move into the stage of active cooperation. You do not instruct, but suggest, do not order, but recommend. Let it all look like your teenager came up with the right decision himself, and you were only the guiding force.

A similar situation is recommended in matters of reconciliation after conflict. Offer your offended child an exchange of roles - let him imagine himself in your place in those conditions when your emotions went over the edge. Could he have behaved differently? Let him offer his model of behavior in this situation. Help him feel what you experienced.

Another tip is to use the child’s own name more often in conciliatory conversations. And not complete - it makes your speech coldly official, but not diminutive - then the child will think that you are flirting, “lisping.” The usual - Tanya, Kolya, Sasha - will sound trusting and inviting.

A few general recommendations that are suitable for children of almost any age:

Begin your conciliatory conversation by sharing a similar episode in your life. As a rule, such stories arouse keen interest among our children. You can also slightly “adjust” the plot, bringing it as close as possible to the real situation that happened to you and your child. Let him understand that you also experienced something similar with your parents, but you understood, and most importantly, you forgave them.
Occasionally, if the child is especially offended and does not make contact, try to sound a little sick. The sympathy and compassion that the child will probably experience for you, his care, participation and desire to help will become the psychological bridge between you that will help restore the relationship. The main thing is not to overdo it and use this method in exceptional cases.
The technique of “mirror behavior” helps a lot. Observe what your offended child is doing, how your offended child is sitting, and try to behave in the same way, copying his actions. Just not in a comical, parody style, but as naturally as possible, as if by accident. This will certainly encourage your child to further contact, and therefore to reconciliation.

And finally, I will repeat once again - only your sensitivity, attentiveness and endless love for your child will help you correctly comprehend this complex science of educating the human personality!

Victoria Zueva

Demonstrative silence

Sit in the corner of the room, take a sullen pose and a hostile expression on your face, and with your eyes send offended glances at your parents... This is also not the best tactic in a quarrel. Yes, this “war” can go on forever - a day or two, and then you yourself won’t like it, because in this way you won’t achieve what you want, but will only worsen the situation in the family.

The worst thing is that other family members may suffer - brothers, sisters, grandparents and even pets - cats, dogs, rabbits... Often, two sides try to find allies in these people. Imagine this situation: you quarreled with your mother, told your younger sister about it, who shared the news with her grandfather, who did not share your opinion. And poor Tuzik becomes the last one - the favorite of the family, because both you, grandfather, and mother want to take a walk with him, but because of your conflicts, no one can decide who will do this task. Who benefits from this?

General recommendations

Stay neutral. If you take the side of one of the parents, then, of course, this will not contribute to reconciliation, since the second will be in a “two on one” situation and his psychological defense mechanism will work.
Honestly admit (only when they have cooled down a little) that it really hurts you to see them in moments of quarrels and the fact that the family is collapsing before your eyes. Make it clear to them that, if desired, any controversial situation can be resolved without leading to a conflict, much less a divorce. Dialogue is always important, not a monologue with endless accusations and claims.

How to survive your parents' divorce

A separation is a difficult time not only for a husband and wife, but also for their children. In some cases, the child himself may suffer for the most part, for whom his entire little world collapses.

In this case, psychologists advise the child the following:

Talk to each parent separately and let them know that the current situation is tormenting him.
If divorce cannot be avoided, the child should focus his thoughts on the fact that he still has both parents, although they no longer live together.
The child should think about his own future activities, find interesting hobbies and interests, and not gravitate towards bad habits.
It is also worth reflecting on the experiences of your parents and determining for yourself how you can avoid a similar situation in the future with your family.

Who to stay with after divorce

If the mother has a permanent job, housing and no problems with alcohol and drug use, then the court, as a rule, leaves the children with her. However, after 10 years of age, the child has the right to express a wish about who he would like to stay with after his parents’ divorce

Such a wish will definitely be considered by the court of the Russian Federation and taken into account.

In such a situation, the child should think about whose side he will choose. In this case, you should take your own interests into account:

Determine which parent will be more caring.
Who can pay maximum attention.
Decide who will help with school and other matters.
Also choose someone who can provide everything you need.

Having chosen to live with mom or dad, the child under no circumstances abandons his second parent (but not in cases where the divorce was due to drug addiction, alcoholism and assault). Mom and dad are a single whole for the baby, even if certain disagreements arise between them. Therefore, communication with them cannot and should not be interrupted.

What not to do

A child should not think about leaving home, starting to use drugs and smoking, drinking or doing other destructive things. Such behavior will not only not restore peace and harmony in the relationship between parents, but will also destroy his own life. Mom and dad will worry about this, quarrel even more and blame each other

In addition, the destructive behavior of a minor may attract the attention of the guardianship authorities.

All you need to do is try to reassure your parents and set them up for calm and respectful communication.

How should parents behave when their children are arguing?

Psychologists advise adults to adhere to basic rules that will help brothers and sisters find a common language.

If possible, do not interfere in a conflict situation between children. They will figure it out among themselves, without the help of adults.
If your daughter or son comes to you asking for help, calmly answer: “Solve your problem yourself, please.” Observe from the outside to see if the children can come to an agreement among themselves.
If you do have to intervene in a conflict, make sure that the siblings can come to a joint decision. This teaches little disputants to negotiate with their opponents.
Do not single out one of the children: “You are right, and you are wrong.” In a conflict, everyone considers himself to be right, and this must be taken into account.
In the midst of a conflict, if you have to intervene, sit down so you can look everyone in the eye. Hug your little ones or put your hands on their shoulders.
Try to have a referee speak: let each participant in the dispute calmly express his point of view as to why the conflict occurred. Explain that you cannot interrupt or shout down each other.
Listen to each child’s suggestions: how does he see a solution to the problem?
As a result, together you must come to a common decision that will suit everyone.
If children cannot offer options for resolving a conflict situation, offer your own idea.
If siblings start a fight, you need to separate them and try to get them to talk. Physical violence is not tolerated in the family, so parents need to intervene immediately when children fight. Demand an apology from everyone. If they refuse to ask for forgiveness, you can impose some kind of ban: no ice cream, cartoons, new toys.
Answer yourself honestly to the question: “Are you singling out any of the children?” Often parents take the side of the younger ones, and they take advantage of their privileged position: they insult and offend their elders.
Praise and encourage children when they play peacefully with each other.

Unfortunately, it is impossible to avoid quarrels between brothers and sisters. The task of parents is to ensure that conflict situations teach children to get along with each other.

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Parents separated

It’s good when quarrels between parents subside as problems are resolved. Another job has been found, the family's income has increased, father and mother have sorted out household responsibilities (maybe not without your help), peace and quiet and God's grace are again in the family. But this doesn't always happen. Arguing can be a way of life for hot-tempered parents. Then you will have to come to terms with the fact that you will be periodically “stormed”. The outcome may be unfavorable - the father and mother decide to separate. Yes, this can happen for many reasons - love leaves, you have to experience unpleasant events that destroy relationships, disagreements appear that make further marital relationships impossible.

If this happens, immediately give up any illusions that the main people in your life will be together again. Surely the father and mother will begin to build new relationships with other partners. How to survive your parents' divorce? It's hard for you to accept. Talk about the problem with a psychologist - there is probably such a specialist at your school. A conversation is needed so that mental trauma does not affect you and destroy your future.

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