- Honey, we should have left 10 minutes ago. Come quickly.
- Your mother will wait, nothing will happen to her. She still stays at home. I'm going to.
- Yes, he sits and waits, because you are plastering here. Maybe I could give you a paint roller? It will be faster.
– I will put on makeup as much as necessary. What is not clear?
– It’s not clear why you’re even running around! Mom can’t see the TV from two meters away, but of course she’ll appreciate your coloring!
– If you don’t like it, don’t watch it. There will be others who will appreciate it!
– Lesha, for example?
- And even if he did!
- So go to him!
- I’ll get out of here, idiot! He's been waiting for a long time!
Of course, these two will make up, and dinner will take place at Mom's. But such quarrels punch holes in relationships. If something often comes over your couple, you need to work with it, otherwise such a relationship will not last long.
How to avoid quarrels?
No way.
All couples quarrel. Scientists from the British Institute of Psychology have calculated that conflicts arise most often among Italian couples, and, oddly enough, they also have the lowest divorce statistics. Even 7-8 quarrels a day can be considered the norm if they end in compromises.
When a conflict situation has arisen, it cannot be ignored. It is imperative to voice what has accumulated so that at one moment you do not boil like a kettle under a closed lid. The same applies to your partner: if something does not suit him, he should not remain silent. And don't ask him about it.
So, quarrels cannot be avoided. But what must be done is to learn how to resolve conflicts beautifully and profitably.
You don't want any nasty swearing.
For example, if a guy offers to spend the evening with friends, and a girl wants to go to the cinema with him, the phrase addressed to the man: “What a goat you are!” will be a bad argument. And if you say: “It’s so interesting for me to be with you together, like with no one else!” – this will let him understand why you want to choose this format.
The simplest rule in conflict is to try not to start sentences with the word “you,” because this may sound like an attack or insult. Talk about yourself: “I feel...”, “I want...”
Probably, some scenarios of quarrels have already become a habit for your couple. You can easily get rid of it yourself and retrain your partner if you watch yourself 3-4 times in a row.
Don't avoid problems
Often we want to avoid confrontation, so we ignore the problem. In such cases, you cannot think only about yourself and whether you are ready to deal with the situation. It is also important to remember what is necessary for the development of your relationship. Avoiding the problem will only make things worse.
To make it easier to resolve conflicts, try to avoid the word “you” when explaining; it’s better to say “I”. This will make it easier for you to express your feelings and less likely to unintentionally hurt your partner. Say: “I don’t understand,” rather than “You’re wrong”; “I often feel...” rather than “You always...”.
How can conflict be beneficial?
If you are categorically not satisfied with this, it is enough to simply talk about it calmly.
Here's how it works. Each of us has our own personality boundaries:
physical and psychological.
For example, it’s unpleasant for you when a stranger on the street comes closer than arm’s length, or someone takes your item without asking. But your partner may have completely different standards.
If he grew up in a small apartment with a large number of residents, then the person standing next to him may not bother him at all: for your partner this has been the norm since childhood. The same can be said about personal things, about the manner of discussing something.
What to do in a situation where your partner has crossed your personal boundaries is very simple: you need to say so. Calm and reasonable. Maybe you will need to repeat this several times in different situations. And when your man does the same, you should not be offended, but listen to him carefully. Over time, he will learn to feel your boundaries, and you will learn to feel his.
You are rubbing against each other. This is a natural process. Such a conflict will ultimately bring experience and benefit. Don't try to win and dominate in this case.
There is another useful function of conflicts: some couples replace quarrels with foreplay to sex.
Remember the legendary scene from the movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”. The main characters first almost kill each other, after which they violently reconcile.
If you use a quarrel as a game, you can be envied. This confrontation between male and female leads to unbridled passion and intense emotions. But if the chemistry stops working after a while, and the habit of quarreling remains, then your couple won’t last long. It will be necessary to learn different behavior in order to maintain harmony for years.
BUT! It is necessary to distinguish a useful quarrel from irrational aggression.
Aggression is a conscious crossing of each other’s boundaries by partners.
If you repeated “Don’t take my phone” a dozen times, and he continues to read your messages, then this is a really aggressive attack. When a man deliberately causes you discomfort, you should be very careful: if he stops restraining himself, it can harm your mental and physical health.
Accept that there will always be disagreements
Some couples spend years trying to convince each other, but sometimes it's simply impossible. Some disagreements stem from fundamental differences in character, outlook, and values. You will only waste your time trying to change each other and ruin the relationship.
Accept each other for who you are. Disagreements are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship. We can live with these problems. The main thing is to know how to behave so as not to aggravate them and to feel as comfortable as possible.
How to react to different conflicts: passive aggression, irritability and direct attack?
- Kitty, do you need to warm up the food?
– What do you think?
Your man doesn’t say rude words or shout, but his words make you feel offended? This is most likely passive aggression.
He can also make caustic jokes, ignore you, and remain pointedly silent. These are all bricks from the same wall.
How to respond to passive aggression?
Answering in the same manner is not the best solution: you will just waste time and blow each other's minds. Constant such squabbles are exhausting, the result will be fatigue and a lack of intimacy between you.
There is no need to pick up the aggressor's game, even if he continues to attack. It’s better to calmly take a few deep breaths and exhale and speak as openly as possible:
- Kitty, do you need to warm up the food?
– What do you think?
– (Inhale-exhale) I think you could have dinner at your favorite cafe near the office. If you haven't eaten yet, I'll heat up the pasta now, it'll take a couple of minutes. I see you're not in a good mood. Tell me, are you upset about something?
Even if such calm answers of yours do not help the man switch to a normal tone, you will save your nerves and will not aggravate the quarrel.
After the situation is over, analyze when the man begins to behave passive-aggressively. Also think about whether he communicates this way with everyone or just with you.
By the way, take care of yourself. We don't always notice that we are also behaving aggressively.
Yes, we often forgive ourselves for what we do not tolerate in others. The next time you want to remain silent, pout and feel like a victim, try to openly discuss with your man what is unpleasant to you.
Another option in which a man can be rude or raise his voice is that something has happened to him and he is on edge.
He's not angry at you, but he needs to get over those negative emotions. This is fine. Completely suppressing irritation and anger can even be harmful to health: psychosomatics can catch up at any moment, and the problem will emerge as a sudden illness.
If you see that a man is nervous, then it is better to say: “You are right”
, and explain when you both have calmed down.
The worst option is when you see that he likes to offend you.
Such a man will not change, no matter how patiently and calmly you talk to him. Don’t look for excuses for him: “He had a hard day,” “It’s my own fault, I shouldn’t have asked where he was.”
Even if as a child his parents told him that it is okay to be angry, but it is absolutely forbidden to intimidate a woman and threaten her with assault, he is unlikely to remember this.
If a man hits you, leave. Straightaway. Without looking back.
Allow each other to maintain dignity
Don't take it personally, we all get upset or angry sometimes after a hard day. Try to understand that your significant other is behaving this way because they are in pain at the moment. He reacts to his own thoughts and feelings, his behavior most likely has nothing to do with your actions.
Even when the truth is on your side, do not try to insist on your own in the midst of a quarrel. This will only make your partner lose self-respect and humiliate him. Allow each other to maintain dignity. Calm down and only then return to the conversation.
Practical exercise: How can you easily use the knowledge gained and defend your boundaries?
Did something go wrong in your conversation with your partner? Psychologist Alla Pilipyuk tells how during a quarrel you can quickly restore balance in communication.
For some reason, we don’t have the subject of “relationships” in schools. But conflicts arise between men and women at any age, with any education, income level and for very different reasons. Fortunately, a lot of information has been collected in the course “Man: Honest Instructions” from Yaroslav Samoilov. The course is free.
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