Hand in hand, the joy of first meetings - it seems that it’s hard to breathe without each other, let alone live a day. I want not to part, to stroke, hug, admire and talk endlessly. About what? Nothing. There is no one around, just the two of you.
But the period of falling in love gradually passes, the couple enters the phase of a stable relationship, when feelings are tested for strength by jointly solving everyday problems and overcoming difficulties. A period of stability begins; for some couples it is painted in positive, bright colors. They still can’t live without communication, they call back throughout the day: “How are you? I miss. Until the evening".
For others, pastel colors of light, translucent watercolors predominate: everything is calm, without splashes, and sometimes even dull in an autumnal way. The couple is kept together more by friendly feelings, force of habit, than by love. Increasingly, the need to resolve issues of living together causes irritation, both understand that the warmth has gone somewhere, a dead end. What's next?
How to understand that a relationship has reached a dead end?
Is it possible to return that feeling of falling in love that was at the very beginning? Is it necessary? Some of your significant other's actions are disappointing, and this is easily explained. At the first stage of a relationship, a person experiences a feeling of euphoria; he sees his partner through rose-colored glasses. The day comes when the flair subsides. It’s as if you woke up from a long sleep and suddenly realized that you imagined everything differently. How to understand that a relationship has reached a dead end? What to do, look for a way out or break up? What do psychologists advise on how to do the right thing?
The impasse that many couples go through is invariably accompanied by a showdown. Everyone is trying to claim their rights. If your family exhibits at least a few of the signs listed below, it’s time to urgently become a crisis manager and try to stop the process of alienation.
- To all attempts to talk, your loved one responds with excuses - no time, tired from work, unwell. However, all signs of malaise instantly disappear if friends call or appear on the doorstep.
- You sleep together, but intimacy happens less and less. A short kiss goodnight and no continuation. Perhaps your spouse is having an affair. Adultery is a fairly common reason for cooling off.
- Reluctance to compromise. In order to avoid another quarrel, you try to give in every time, but he firmly stands his ground and does not want to meet you halfway. Perhaps he is tired of endless internal wars, has already decided to break up and is simply waiting for an opportunity to tell you about it, or is he wondering how to get out of the impasse?
- Cooling down in sex invariably becomes the cause of emotional alienation. The man doesn’t let you in on his business, and you, in turn, don’t really want to tell him about yours.
- The partner’s dissatisfaction with the whole world: work, you, home, his responsibilities and even the weather. This may be indirect evidence that the man has developed a spiritual attachment, and he is no longer bothered by what is happening here. Mentally he is in a new life.
- Continuing a relationship out of pity is doomed to failure. If it is not love, but a feeling of compassion that keeps you close to your partner, sooner or later everything will end. It's better to do it now without wasting time. First, try living apart, at a distance.
- Low self-esteem. The woman fears that she will be left alone and does not want to change her status; for years she has endured rudeness and rudeness from her husband. From a psychological point of view, she is a dependent partner. Nothing good will come from such a relationship; there is no point in continuing.
- A well-known situation is when a couple has been living together for a long time and running a household, but the guy is in no hurry to get married, coming up with new excuses despite the birth of children. The girl waits patiently for a marriage proposal, but nothing happens. Perhaps, under the pressure of circumstances, he will be forced to marry, but it will not be his decision.
Signs of a dead-end relationship
Crises in family life periodically overtake every couple. It is important to overcome them correctly. Some families go through difficult stages at certain periods of time:
- in three years;
- in the seventh year;
- after ten years of marriage.
Sometimes both partners are overtaken by a midlife crisis, which cannot but affect the quality of the relationship between husband and wife. To answer the question “why age-related crises occur,” you need to read specialized literature or contact a professional psychologist.
Some families collapse suddenly, others go a long way before the crisis. Many people do not know what to do in this case. There are several obvious signs that a relationship is reaching a dead end.
Mistrust
Firstly, trust disappears even from the slightest lie. The consequence of deception is understatement, secrecy, and coldness between partners. Adultery also destroys faith in a loved one. If after cheating a guy begs for forgiveness, he will still suffer. The deceived party will never trust the traitor.
Secondly, the cause of mistrust can be low self-esteem. An insecure person tries to control everything and suspects his partner of cheating.
In both cases, the man and woman feel unhappy, which will result in a logical phenomenon - a dead end.
Frequent conflicts
Lack of respect gives rise to frequent quarrels. Once loving spouses are not shy in their expressions, are not afraid of offending their partner, and do not listen to each other. Warmth and care gradually leave the relationship.
Sharp words and insults are remembered for a long time. If such behavior becomes the everyday norm, we can say that the relationship has outlived its usefulness and is coming to an end. Perhaps this is a way out and salvation, otherwise quarrels will inevitably end in assault, especially from a man.
Indifference
Loss of interest in your partner is the first sign that the relationship has reached the point of no return and has begun to reach a dead end. Even conflicts are not so scary, because they are a manifestation of emotions. It is almost impossible to overcome indifference and restore warmth, sincere interest, and find common ground. Often people continue to live together because of children, a shared apartment or financial obligations. Being together but not feeling happy is a real dead end.
Lack of respect
In all relationships, passion, tenderness, and romanticism weaken over time, and caring for each other comes first. In her parents' family, a girl should be taught to consider a guy's opinion important. All strong unions, in which people trust their partner, forgive mistakes and quarrel without insulting, are built on respect. Men react especially sharply to its absence.
Causes of discord in relationships
- Different life priorities. For example, a man is ambitious and plans to achieve heights in his career; he has long defined a strategy for achieving abandoned goals. Professional self-realization comes first for him. It is for this reason that many young people are hostile to conversations about marriage and attempts at pressure from relatives, and if their beloved begins to insist, they break off the relationship.
- The period of “grinding in” of characters in life together is very stormy and aggressive. Both personalities turned out to be strong, no one wants to give up leadership. Everyone tries to convey their point of view to their partner, to shout out, and does not want to remain silent. Life becomes unbearable due to the daily war of characters.
- Relationship crisis. The couple was united by a feeling of love, but everyday life became the cause of cooling of feelings and disappointment. Both realized that this was not how they imagined their life together.
How to interrupt the alienation that has arisen
You need to understand - does the relationship have potential? To do this, it is important to see a man as he is - not through the prism of accumulated bad experience or your expectations, but through understanding his psyche as it is.
Is he developed in his properties (which means he is able to realize himself, to take place in society) or not very well. If you are sufficiently developed (and often this is the case), then temporary bad states due to accumulated dissatisfaction are not a hindrance. A man will be able to fulfill his masculine role, provide you with a sense of security and safety, and respond to your love with action and feeling, as soon as you create the conditions for this.
At the “System-Vector Psychology” training, you will be able to figure this out without anyone’s “good” advice, based on the knowledge you have gained about the human soul.
Continue or break up?
Has your relationship with your husband reached a dead end? What should I do, continue or break up? There may be nothing left to save. It is impossible to do without discussing the current situation. Psychologists identify two ways of development of events.
Both were tired of endless quarrels and showdowns over the slightest reason. There is no way to reach consensus. Parting becomes a release from moral suffering.
Conflicts and scandals against the background of emotional attachment. During a quarrel, the parties are ready to kill each other, but they cannot imagine living apart; there is a strong emotional connection between them. Conflict periods in such couples are repeated with a certain cyclicity, similar to a kind of spiral. Remove the excessive importance of what is happening, do not think about how to get out of the deadlock, because solving the problem does not depend only on you. See the situation as a pause. Move towards solving the problem gradually.
Are they not looking for good from good?
The longer a woman thinks this way, the louder her soul screams: “Save me from my husband!” A House is built around a husband - and a woman feels uncomfortable and uncomfortable in the house. Any return to the family, for example, from work, is associated with possible troubles.
And if one’s home ceases to be home, then where to go, where to look for shelter? And the woman begins, most often unconsciously, to put into practice the idea of salvation. There are many options for escaping from your husband - here are the most popular ones.
Career
If a married woman devotes herself too zealously to work, especially a job she doesn’t really love, this is the first sign of problems in the family.
Slack at work
Things distract, take away internal resources, and sometimes bring desired pleasure. And if a woman is a born careerist, then an unsuccessful marriage and no matter which husband will fade into the background.
Internet
This option is life-saving for a housewife.
Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash
In virtual reality, you can not only cry to your girlfriends or reflect on social networks, but also find new interesting acquaintances.
Children
An obvious solution for a woman raising a small child.
Photo by Xavier Mouton Photographie on Unsplash
And when children grow up, the idea of completely devoting yourself to them, and then to their children, is a great way to put an end to not only your current marriage, but also your personal life.
Lover
What is commonly called betrayal is already the result - the process consists of finding a man who will turn out to be the cherished “savior”. This is the most logical way of escape - one man is replaced by another.
Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash
Rescue from her husband often begins on the Internet: a married woman is actively looking for acquaintances, sometimes hiding the fact of marriage. She can also go to parties with friends and even to strangers. A woman urgently needs feelings and understanding: there are none left in the marriage.
She is not always looking for sex - it is more important to find friendship, support, care in another man. After all, he is a potential replacement for her husband and, in the end, can save him completely - help him get a divorce and build a new relationship.
Frequent changes of partners, constant infidelity for the sake of sex or the desire to annoy your spouse is another story, and it arises when the confrontation with your husband is serious and the marriage has finally turned into a formality.
For men, building relationships with married women is fraught. When a woman puts the responsibility of saving her on her lover, he falls into a trap. A woman, plunging into the role of a victim, will drown the savior in her feelings, which she considers sincere.
Photo by Jon Asato on Unsplash
At the same time, she is not ready to leave her husband: he provides for her and the children financially, but the man she loves now provides “morally”. And the worse the relationship with your spouse, the more demands will be made on the savior.
And since such a lady is a victim, she will put off the divorce until the last minute, because she feels sorry for her husband, even if he is unloved. Even if the new beloved man has wavered and has already agreed to a serious relationship.
How to get out of a deadlock?
Give yourself the word to restrain your emotions, take control of them. If you feel like you can't help yourself, ask your husband to discuss the situation next time. If you can turn a quarrel into a joke, you are a genius in the field of family relationships.
Don't blame or try to prove yourself right. Why not try to hear your partner, you have a motive - to save the family. Not everything he says will be to your liking, just take note.
Learn to talk about feelings without blaming. Women are dominated by emotions, men experience a lot in silence. Agree to take care of what connects you. For example, instead of accusing me of ingratitude, open your soul - I tried really hard, but you didn’t even notice, I’m so offended!
You must always remember the good!
Even if everything has become bad in a relationship, you need to try to forget the grievances and start thinking positively. You are together, which means you fell in love with each other, lit a light in each soul, rejoiced at every minute spent together, so what happened?
Have a heart-to-heart talk, remember all the good things, concentrate not on the negative, but on the positive, start every day with a smile, not with hysterics. It is important to insist on the good and lead your partner to it.
Perhaps you need to diversify your sex life, add zest to it, stop being shy and be a joy for your husband, so that he does not allow the thought of looking away.
If you want to be together even after quarrels and misunderstandings arise, then you will do everything possible to maintain the relationship. If not, then why hold each other back, it means this is not your person, not your other half.
And you, dear men, give gifts to your loved ones, pamper them, let your dear woman feel great with new cosmetics or a dress. These are small things, but sometimes they play a key role in a relationship.
And you women, stop nagging men over trifles, give them freedom of action, let them decide what to do with the financial situation of the family, let them make responsible decisions, let them feel like masters.
What should a woman do?
First of all, don't despair. Give yourself time to calm down and try to understand that relationships are a two-person job. No matter how much you want everything to work out, if the young man does not seek to compromise, your efforts will be in vain.
Develop yourself, learn languages, smile at every new day and never live only as a man. A little time will pass and you will understand that this relationship had no prospects. It’s good that they ended before you managed to start a family and have children from him.
Another outcome is also possible: your loved one will understand that he cannot imagine life without you, and everything will gradually improve by itself, without titanic efforts and moral losses.
What should a man do?
Has your relationship with your wife reached a dead end? Assess how important family is to you. Don't make assumptions, learn the art of communication. Analyze what you have achieved in life and what goals you set for yourself in the future. Perhaps your wife has a lot to do with her support and inspiration.
Don’t try to dot all the i’s at once. Be interested in her life, how her day went, what she plans for the evening, how she would like to spend the weekend. Do not limit yourself to verbal contacts, hug, stroke the head, it calms and relaxes.
When the emotions calm down a little, directly - does she want you to be together or has she decided to break up? Not everything is in your hands, but a lot depends on a sincere desire to improve relationships and save the family.
