In this article we will look at an important issue that will interest many women. In it we will tell you how to politely and tactfully refuse a guy.
Refusing a gentleman without causing him pain is quite difficult. Men, in general, take women’s refusals to heart, especially if their love and passion are strong enough. Therefore, it is advisable to do this tactfully and with restraint. Even if a young man is free and is a potential partner, he must be refused delicately.
How to refuse advances from a married man?
Experts advise in this case to adhere to special rules. They will help you refuse a married man gracefully without offending him.
- Don't be rude to your gentleman, don't say that you don't need him at all. Say “no” firmly, but in a friendly way, so as not to offend him or damage a man’s pride. During the conversation, hint that you are not very interested in this courtship and you will not change your decision over time.
- Is your admirer an impressive person who likes to be constantly in the center of everyone's attention? Apply its "weak point". Such a young man should be refused rudely. Otherwise it will be a real tragedy for him. Shower your fan with compliments. Tell the man what a successful, interesting person he is. Give compliments among other people so that many can hear. As a rule, such men like to assert themselves, therefore, they test their own strength by “bewitching” the next lady.
Refuse a married man
- If on your way you meet an energetic and assertive married man for whom winning in sex is important, then act completely opposite. Talk to him briefly. Refuse directly, don’t even explain the reasons. Don't worry if the man gets offended. He may not react to your refusal at all and will not be offended.
- If you are bothered by a persistent “married man” who threatens you, then we advise you to start taking action. Threaten the man that you have a person who can give you protection. Tell him this decisively, don’t worry or be afraid. Because only feigned persistence can come from a man, helping him to manipulate you. But it is advisable for you to play it safe in advance. Talk to your friends, ask for help. If a fan knows your residential address, do not return home very late. Let one of your colleagues from work show you around.
Why is it difficult for us to refuse?
Let's figure out why rejections are sometimes so difficult for us. I will list the main reasons and give recommendations on how to deal with them.
- Bad boundaries
Personal boundaries for most people are a vague and uncertain concept. To explain it in simple terms, the boundaries go where a person’s sphere of influence ends. Anything outside of your control is not your territory.
How does this relate to refusals, you ask? I'll explain. You can freely manage your body, your time and attention, so refusing a man you don’t like is entirely within your boundaries. But his reaction to refusal is outside your boundaries - he may be offended, angry and stop communicating with you if you were friends, and you cannot do anything about it.
Many girls are so afraid of being in opposition with someone that they try in every possible way to soften their refusal, which only worsens the situation. The man gets the impression that he is simply being fooled, and he quite naturally begins to get angry.
The good news is that it is through refusals that you can train your boundaries to an ideal state. The next time you have to refuse someone, do it firmly and confidently and allow the person to respond however they want.
- Hyperresponsibility
Hyperresponsibility is one of the main symptoms of neuroticism. It mainly affects infantile, self-centered individuals. This property manifests itself in the fact that a person takes on too much and ascribes to himself opportunities and abilities that he does not have.
If, during a proposal from someone you don't like, you start to feel guilty, you are prone to hyper-responsibility.
At a key moment, thoughts begin to flash in your head that you somehow looked at the man wrong, did something wrong, and gave him false hope. You start fawning over something, making excuses, obscuring things. It looks, to put it mildly, ugly.
What to do about it? Realize that the other person is the same subject as you, who has his own will and is responsible for his actions. His feelings are not the result of any of your actions, and you should not be held responsible for them. At first it can be difficult to give up the idea that you control the universe, but then life becomes much more pleasant and easier.
- Fear of his reaction
Are there any cowards here, admit it? You should not be ashamed of this feeling, it is responsible for safety and is the basis of the instinct of self-preservation. Women, with rare exceptions, are physically weaker than men, so the fear of possible aggression from a rejected admirer is in some cases completely justified. Learn to recognize these cases and you will no longer have to be afraid.
If a man himself is hot and impulsive, you should be careful with him. Do not refuse him in a rude and humiliating manner. Try not to be alone with such a person, especially if you do not intend to enter into any relationship with him. The same recommendations apply to tipsy young people.
Many women are afraid that a man will not survive their refusal - he will drink himself in grief or commit suicide. Such fears are definitely unfounded. If you catch yourself thinking such thoughts, urgently turn on self-irony and stop considering yourself a fairy-tale princess.
How to refuse a man, a guy, to tie him down, and he wanted to get married?
How can you refuse a guy, but at the same time tie him to you? Sex is, of course, good, but only if it doesn’t happen very quickly. If you are very attracted to a man, then for the first time refuse intimacy with your chosen one. Especially in such cases:
- If you were the initiator during dating.
- If your chosen one belongs to the category of men “collector”.
- You know that a man must go to another country.
- Your man is married.
- You don't know your chosen one at all.
The following conversation works very well:
- I am drawn to you, I may break, but I am a living person.
- So why are you refusing? There is a problem?
“I don’t want to follow my own instincts.”
After such a conversation, just run away.
For a guy to get married, you need to move away from him to make a decision
- Such an answer is worthy only of the most well-mannered ladies. You are a woman who should not be “widely consumed.” Such an answer will not offend your chosen one, but it can provoke him. A “bummer” of this kind will not stop your partner, so he will have hope.
- Men are strongly attracted by the sight of a woman not wanting to claim anything. That is, show nobility, pretend that you are completely not interested in intimacy. This technique is usually used by ladies' men. You can tell your lover while hugging him that this is just a friendly hug.
Remember the most important thing in this matter - people reach for what they cannot take. Until you give him the most important thing, he will be next to you. Over time, if his feelings are truly sincere, he will want to stay with you forever and will definitely marry you.
Common mistakes when refusing a guy
Psychologists note that when refusing a guy, girls make a number of classic mistakes:
- Lack of specifics . To maintain a warm relationship, girls speak politely and sympathetically, but the guy takes these as abstract hints and continues to court.
- Controversial behavior . You can’t blow a guy off and then 5 minutes later wink and smile at him. This makes him understand that the refusal is just a farce.
- Pulling back the moment . Phrases such as “I don’t have time right now” temporarily relieve unnecessary attention, but only complicate a serious conversation that hangs like a gray cloud.
- Rudeness and insults . If the boyfriend does not understand politeness, you can become harsh, but this will only worsen the relationship, which will be impossible to improve during further interaction, for example, at work.
There are many ways to refuse a guy. Having chosen the appropriate option, you need to prepare well and follow your plan. If a guy doesn’t understand well, all he can do is take the help of a friend or even a policeman.
Don't keep people on the hook, be able to put an end to it
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If there are intentions to remain friends, then there must be reasons and endurance for this. There is no need to call, write on social networks, show affection or flirt. After already being rejected, such steps will appear to the other person as hope for a future relationship, and the result will be disastrous. You need to confidently free your failed partner from illusions - this is a manifestation of respect and honesty.
In her blog, author Marcella Purnama explains that there is no need to be overly sympathetic or friendly after you've rejected someone or broken up:
Many people who have been rejected may believe that the door sometimes does not close completely yet and opens at the slightest friendly action. Don't let him/her think there is still hope when there isn't.
Reason for refusal4
And this is the most difficult and unpleasant point for a man. But it needs to be included in the conversation so that there is no misunderstanding. It is better for a girl to start this point with gratitude that the man chose her over other women. This will brighten up the refusal of reciprocity. It is important to make the situation more acceptable for the gentleman. Reasons like “already in a relationship”/“not ready for a relationship” are universal. They will have a lesser impact on self-esteem, offend and will not give an inferiority complex to a rejected man.
The topic of conversation is really serious, and can provoke some mistakes that are best avoided. The main mistakes made during a conversation:
Pity7
Men are the stronger sex. Most people are able to cope with emotions themselves. Under no circumstances should you feel sorry for them. It’s better to encourage and support with a positive word. But there is definitely no point in showing pity. This will humiliate and destroy him. However, such a situation can play into the hands of the boyfriend.
If a persistent gentleman understands that pity is the only lever he can use to keep a woman next to him, he will use it, which will play a cruel joke on the woman.
During this difficult conversation, it is important to maintain a friendly tone and not show irritation. An adequate man will understand and accept the situation. If the situation is not accepted, and the response is anger and reproaches, rest assured that the right decision has been made and this is 100% the wrong person to enter into a relationship with. If the situation is understood and accepted adequately, a man may well become a good friend.
What to do if he doesn't take no for an answer
A polite “no” is suitable if the young man is quite adequate and is able to understand that his persistence will not bring the desired result. But how can a girl refuse to date a guy who is not affected by any admonitions?
One of the effective methods in such a situation is the opposite method. It's obvious that he doesn't want to take no for an answer because in his mind you're the perfect creature. So disappoint him, show him the “other side of the moon”, demonstrate your exaggerated negative qualities. You can start with the least “evils”, for example, such as talkativeness and silence.
Guys don't like overly talkative girls. They bore them with endless empty chatter and seem stupid. Discuss with him new trends in cosmetology, nail design ideas, hair care products, the latest clothing collections of famous couturiers - everything that you usually chat about with your girlfriend. Don't let him get a word in edgewise. Don't shut up for a minute. A few days of such attacks, and he will certainly begin to doubt the correctness of his choice.
The game of silence is familiar to everyone from childhood. Completely ignoring him can cause irritation, anger and even aggression. Therefore, citing fatigue, poor health or a bad mood, tell him that you cannot maintain a dialogue. Answer questions sparingly, with standard “yes”, “no”, “I don’t know”. If you act purposefully and methodically, then your eternally dissatisfied face and lack of desire to maintain communication will soon do their job, and he will retreat.
Cheeky, boorish behavior and a scandalous character will help destroy the ideal image of a passion in his imagination. Order yourself a couple of glasses of beer in a cafe and tell everyone present a vulgar joke. Greet his friends with pushes on the shoulder, laugh loudly at stupid jokes. If he feels embarrassed in front of his friends and acquaintances for your behavior, he will cool down faster.
Another role that you can try on is the position of a caring mother. Be interested in what exactly he ate, how many times, whether he put on warm socks and a hat, or tied a scarf. Continue tirelessly to fulfill your task in the company of mutual acquaintances. No laughter, smirks or winks. In all seriousness. Don't be shy about comical situations. Your overprotectiveness will definitely irritate him.
If these methods turn out to be ineffective, heavy artillery can be used. From meeting to meeting, start a conversation about his material wealth. Emphasize your commercialism. Belittle his achievements. If an apartment is available, you can express dissatisfaction with its size, layout, location. Tell him about your high demands on a man’s income, your desire to wear jewelry, natural fur coats, and relax at star resorts. Criticize his character, behavior, actions. Harass with nagging, be annoying. In general, do everything that you shouldn’t do if you were afraid of losing him.
Trying to evoke his negativity, do not go too far. Imaginary humiliation by refusal, the inability to achieve one’s goal can provoke aggressive behavior of the gentleman. In such a situation, he needs to be informed that any rudeness on his part will lead to you contacting the police.
If, after an explanation in which you openly told him that you do not want to date, he still continues to pursue you, tell your mutual friends that you do not have any feelings for him. Such news will definitely be conveyed to him. Perhaps in this case he will take them seriously.
There is another way to turn a guy off - become his matchmaker, find him another girl. At a party, ask him to escort home his friend, who is not averse to meeting him. Perhaps, in the end, they will both be grateful to you for the role you play in their destinies.
Tactfulness i
For most men, a woman’s refusal is a severe blow to their pride. Not everyone is ready to adequately accept the situation. Sympathy can give way to anger. It is for this reason that it is important to discuss the relationship as early as possible in order to have time to settle everything peacefully. Tactfully refusing a man is not as easy as it might seem at first glance.
Be patient. Start the conversation carefully and calmly. Don't start a long emotional monologue. Look at the man's reaction. Let him speak, answer any questions politely, but without a hint of flirting.
Honesty3
The most important rule, because we are talking not only about an honest attitude towards a man, but also towards oneself. First, understand your feelings and emotions. And only then try to convey your thoughts to the man as accessible as possible. The main thing is there is no need to make excuses, it will look ridiculous. Keep it short and on topic. The most dishonest thing in this situation is to give false hopes.
Focus attention on yourself with “I” phrases
Mengxin Li / ideas.ted.com
If you decide to explain your lack of interest to someone, then focus attention on yourself, not on the interlocutor. There is no need to list his unsuitable qualities to a potential partner - this will be rude and undermine confidence in the future. Susan Rohan, communications specialist and author of What Am I Saying Next? , recommends using "I" operators instead. Here are some examples:
- “I don’t see you with me, I’m sorry.”
- “I enjoy communicating with you, but I don’t feel a connection between us.”
- “I’m dealing with important life issues, so there’s no way to date anyone.”
- “I admire you, but now I’m looking for something else.”
These phrases do not belittle the interlocutor. You do not elevate yourself and seem to be preparing to talk about “it’s all about me, everything is fine with you.” Then this situation becomes not so tragic.
see also
What is asexuality and how is it different from abstinence?
