How to learn to be silent and not say too much

The folk wisdom “silence is golden” is always relevant, but not everyone adheres to this opinion. With the advent of maturity, having gained life experience, awareness of these words comes and people begin to think about how to learn to remain silent and not say too much.

Communication is a complex process in establishing contacts between people or entire groups. Without communication, society will not exist. No area of life or activity can do without communication, regardless of whether a person prefers company or loneliness, whether he is an introvert or an extrovert. The ability to communicate correctly is a good quality, since both shyness and excessive sociability bring problems to a person.

Every person knows that in certain cases his words can cause pain to the interlocutor, cause aggression or a negative reaction in someone. Learning to remain silent and not say too much is quite difficult, for both women and men. It is required to think ahead and analyze all your thoughts and the consequences of publicizing any information.

People love to talk about all sorts of nonsense, everyday life, and exchange information about life situations. Having had a conversation and showing attention and sincere interest to your interlocutor, it is very difficult to resist saying unnecessary things.

In order not to say too much, you need to think through your words in advance, be one step ahead of the situation, and be able to instantly assess whether it is risky to say what you want to say to your interlocutor while in a specific situation. By learning to think ahead over time, the problem of learning to remain silent will be solved.

“Say No” Training

Psychologists have developed a whole course that helps people train and develop willpower, become more decisive and ambitious. This training is called “Say No”. Let's look at it in more detail.

Purpose of the training

This training is considered socio-psychological. Its main purpose is:

learning the skill of resisting external circumstances, pressure coming from others;
mastering methods of refusal in any life situations;
consolidation of acquired knowledge.

Lesson structure

This lesson consists of the following exercises:

activator game “Switching Places” - you ask a person for something, and he refuses you, convincing you of the correctness of his decision (this game will teach you the correct and correct way to refuse); game “Puppet Theater” - with the help of puppets you communicate and learn to say “no” to other people; studying refusal techniques in the theory of “How to say no at work”, because it can be very difficult to refuse your own colleagues, it is important to learn how to do this; discussions, active discussion on the topic “How to say no”; role-playing games - in practice, you try to act out some kind of scene, for example, you are a woman who must refuse a man or vice versa.

This training will teach you how to correctly and cunningly refuse others, without offending or insulting their honor and dignity.

The word “no” must be present in our speech. You can’t fulfill every request, but you also shouldn’t abuse refusals, because sometimes you still need to help people. Find the “golden mean” in this matter, learn to separate important sentences from unimportant ones. In our article, we have discussed several simple rules that will help you politely refuse without offending others.

Low self-esteem

If in childhood a child was not given due attention, he did not receive unconditional parental love, his opinion was little taken into account, then at some point he could decide that only by agreeing with others, pleasing them in every possible way, he gets a chance to earn the love of significant people, to be accepted by them, to become “good” in their eyes. In the future, this model of behavior is consolidated: having become an adult, such a person continues to fulfill the desires of others, since he is confident that only in this case can he count on their favor.

Such people are insecure; they often think that they themselves are not of particular value. And only by providing services to everyone around them, meeting other people’s expectations, do they acquire this very value and become truly necessary. The feelings and desires of other people seem very important to such a person, while their own feelings, desires and interests fade into the background. Is it any wonder that soon they simply stop taking him into account?

Basic rules for the word “no”

Learning to say “no” in a way that doesn’t offend another person is quite possible. To do this, you need to follow certain rules that will help you refuse simply and naturally. Let's look at each of them in more detail.

An interesting proposal

To politely refuse, you can use the following phrase: “Your offer is very intriguing and sounds unusual, but now I can’t accept it because I have too many other things to do, come back a little later.” In this way, you will let the person know that you are interested in the request and perhaps would like to help, but your workload temporarily prevents you from doing so.

you need to respect yourself and value your time, which means sometimes politely and calmly refuse people

Incompetence

If you were asked to help on a particular issue, and you do not understand it, then you can answer as follows: “I am quite poorly informed on this topic and am unlikely to be able to help you, you’d better ask Ivanov, since he is competent in this area.” . With your phrase, you explain to the person the reason for the refusal and guide him on the right path to solve the problem. Most likely, he will thank you for such sincerity and you will remain in the black.

Bad experience

You were asked to do something that once didn’t work out for you. In such a situation, you should answer like this: “Unfortunately, I cannot help you, since I had a negative experience in this matter, and I do not want to repeat past mistakes, sorry.” You explain to the person that you do not want to again find yourself in a situation that is absurd for you.

Time to think

If you are approached with a request that you can easily fulfill, then you should not immediately agree to it. Take a short break. You can do this with the following response: “I need some time to think about it, I will inform you about my decision a little later, thank you.” This way, you show the other person that you need to be valued and respected. After all, if you immediately do everything that is asked, then you can forget about the recognition of society. Nobody likes errand boys or girls.

Changing the topic

It happens that you don’t want to fulfill someone’s request. This can be avoided in a fairly simple way - get away from the conversation by moving it to another topic. For example, you can say the following: “Sorry for interrupting your thought, but before I forget, I want to tell you about what happened yesterday.” You will distract the person and, perhaps, he will even forget about his address to you.

Alternative option

It is not at all necessary to agree to the other person’s request; you can try to offer him an alternative solution to the problem. For example, you could say, “Your idea is pretty good, but it's better to try this.” In this case, the refusal will not sound too rude, but, on the contrary, you will show ingenuity and resourcefulness, due to which your opinion will be valued and respected even more.

Joke

Refusal can be turned into a joke. It can be very difficult to say “no” to your boss, but you wouldn’t want to comply with his request. For example, you can do this using the phrase: “I would love to go out with you to smoke on the balcony, but I’m so thin that the wind could blow me away.” Using this comic form, you can divert the topic from the conversation and laugh a little.

Responsibility

Nobody likes to be responsible for something, because this is a serious psycho-emotional load, therefore, when a person asks for help, he tries to relieve himself of some of the obligations by shifting them to someone else. This can be used to say “no” without offending anyone. You have been asked to do something that you would not do. You can answer the request like this: “If you think so and are completely responsible for your idea, then I will try to help” or “I will agree to do this work if you will guarantee it.”

Thus, you will not only scare the person away from your own proposal, but also make you think about the importance of his idea

Personal problems

In order to evade another person’s request, you need to “dump” your personal problems on him. For example, tell him the following: “You know, I would love to help you, but my car broke down” or “My grandmother is sick, I go to her every evening.” Nobody likes to understand other people's affairs; perhaps your “supplicant” will quickly leave without waiting for consent to help.

Counter request

As they say: “They knock out a wedge with a wedge.” Answer the request with a request. No matter how paradoxical it may sound. You were asked for something, and you answer: “Listen, help me too, please.” It is best if your proposal is much more serious and complex than that of the one who came to you first for help. It is unlikely that he will want to help, but will simply avoid answering.

sometimes, by refusing to help another, we give him the opportunity to develop independently

Why learn to be silent?

Why people are silent
Speech is an integral and very important part of our lives. It is thanks to it that we can ask for what we need, share information or our feelings, but it is often abused, used to simply “fill the void.”

In the modern world, when every minute counts, they don’t like talkers and gossips. After all, you are taking up not only your interlocutor’s time, but also your own. This is one of the reasons why it is so necessary to quit a bad habit - idle chatter.

Another reason is a stressful situation. One has only to utter a few random, unpleasant phrases, and your life changes radically. You need to be able to restrain yourself in such situations, forcefully suppressing the impulse to speak out. The art of silence is valued in any group, but one should not overdo it. Constant silence may be considered indifference and dissatisfaction.

When not to say no

I remember at one time working in a certain office for six months - which is quite a long time for a temporary job!

Since I didn't have enough money, I always pocketed things like stationery, pens and the like. I took almost everything that fit in my purse.

I thought: “Oh, these guys are rich, but I have no money. And I deserve to take it since I work hard and earn so little." In fact, I convinced myself that I deserved these things that I didn't pay for!

If you continue to think from the point of view of “I don’t have this,” then you will have nothing. Is this what you want from life?

Around this time, I began to study how our thoughts structure our lives. I never realized that my thoughts, attitudes and actions were shaping my life; I thought that I was a victim and that God had given me this role.

One day I realized that when I was stealing small items, I was telling the Lord, “I don’t have money, so I have to steal from others.” My actions said, “I don’t have it.” And the Lord answered me: “Okay, you don’t have it.” Since I took from others, they took from me.

Start with the phrase “I have”!

If I had not changed my thinking and behavior, the essence of which was that “I don’t have it,” then do you really think that any of what I am doing now would have happened? I don't think so either. So, watch what you say and do, as this will be your life.

EXERCISE: HOW TO LEARN TO SAY NO AT A GLOBAL LEVEL

What do I want to do while being honest?
What will I GET if I act with integrity and purpose?
What will I LOSE if I act with integrity and purpose?
Who are the people I admire and why (character traits I would like to emulate)?

First: “What do I want to do while being honest?” Why do you want to do this? Understand that living with the ability to say “no” on a global level means that you will not steal or lie; you will act with integrity, and you will stand up for your opinion, even if it is not the opinion of the majority. Why do you need this? You must understand this.

Question 2: “What will I gain if I act with integrity and purpose?” You won't do it if it doesn't benefit you, right? So what do you get out of it? The more clearly you understand what you are getting, the easier it will be for you to act.

Question 3: “What do I have to lose if I act with integrity and purpose?” Have you come to the conclusion that you have something to lose if you act with integrity and purpose? For example, you will lose the ability to steal from people, rob people and lie to them. It's annoying, right?

That's why I'm careful about what I say. My word means a lot to me, and the people around me know it too. I don't make a lot of promises, but when I promise something, I'll keep it—usually before I even say it.

Unfortunately, unhappy people do the opposite: they promise a lot, talk a lot, but do nothing. How it works?

A MATTER OF HONESTY

On a scale of 1 to 10, idle talk is like a person who talks like an 8 but acts like a 2. Don't be that person! Talk at 8 and act at 10. You must be able to express your opinion with words, but you also need to act.

Finally, list the people you admire and why. List the traits of their character that you would like to adopt.

Look at those you admire and ask, “What would this person I admire do?” You may ask, “What would my leader do? What would a person at the highest level of my scale do?

The main thing you can do is start thinking like them. Choose your mentors carefully because who you follow will become you!

Communication in society

Man is a social creature, and he cannot do without communication within this very society. Therefore, speaking out and speaking out is a natural psychological need. At the same time, a new understanding of the situation occurs, nervous tension is relieved, and the state of mind is alleviated. However, initially you should always understand whether you need the proposed dialogue at all. Is your information or your question useless? Maybe tell yourself: “Better be silent.” Whenever you have a dialogue, you should know with whom and what you can talk about. Do not turn communication into an empty and useless waste of words. When speaking, you need to focus on the interlocutor. You can express almost anything to someone, for example, a psychologist or a loved one who is able to understand you. But with most people it is better to limit yourself to the scheme:

- get information;
make an offer, request or demand - obtain consent or refusal;
express a doubt, claim, opinion - get an explanation.

Books and training

Of course, refusing correctly is a skill that needs to be learned. You can learn to say “no” on your own, or you can practice, in the form of training, build your personal boundaries and politely refuse to provide your services.

Books are wonderful helpers on the path to a useful skill. You can read about how not to offend a person with your “no” in the following sources:

Patty Bry. Here you will see how to turn down offers of meetings, avoid rudeness from the opposite sex, not borrow money, firmly prevent the whims of children

Learn to avoid conflicts and feelings of guilt. Greg McKeon “Existentialism. The path to simplicity." In the book, the author describes the principle of life “less, but better.” In it you will learn how to refuse offers without offending the other person.

In addition to theory, it is also important to practice refusal phrases, especially if this is not typical for you. A great opportunity to do this is to register on the Vikium website to take the course “Effective Communication”

By the way, Vikium is a very useful resource, where you can improve your cognitive processes: memory, attention, thinking. On the site you will find a lot of useful information and practical developmental activities

The course “Effective Communication” is one of these. Its goal is to develop your understanding of the hidden emotions of people around you and to develop effective communication skills. Theoretical and practical material is supervised by a well-known expert on nonverbal communication, lie recognition and emotional intelligence - Oleg Kalinichev.

After completing the online intensive course, you will be able to understand your emotional reactions, manage them and not give in to panic in difficult situations. You will also notice that communication with other people has become more effective, you understand them, manage conflicts and build harmonious relationships.

Speech development

More and more people cannot formulate sentences correctly, do not know the meanings of many words, and abuse filler words and profanity. I think this is mainly due to the fact that most people prefer to watch TV or go to the movies instead of reading an interesting book. But you and I are not like that. At a minimum, you are already reading this article, and I am writing it for you. Therefore, we continue to develop speech.

Correct sentence construction

It is very difficult to understand a person who, during a conversation, jumps from topic to topic, tries for a painfully long time to find the right words and cannot form sentences correctly, depriving his story of logic.

But the order of words is of great importance. This is taught at school during Russian language lessons. Due to incorrect word order, the meaning of the sentence is distorted and may even cause laughter. Let me give you a few examples of semantic errors.

Residents of the house demanded troubleshooting and repairs (What did the residents demand? Make repairs or eliminate them?).
The owner kicked the dog, which immediately took offense and ran away (The leg got offended and ran away?).
A few years later he met her again. This was, unfortunately, a 39-year-old married lady (Is it a pity that she is already 39 years old? Or that she is married?).

To avoid such mistakes in a conversation, I advise you to do the following:

improve literacy with the help of Russian language textbooks and reference books;
Read at least 30 minutes every day - preference is best given to fiction, journalism, and special books on development.
retell what you read - just be sure to check how consistently and logically you repeat the text.

Increasing vocabulary

A meager vocabulary does not allow one to fully express thoughts, forcing a person to constantly stumble in search of the right word. Such speech sounds choppy and monotonous, because the same words are used, and overall produces a repulsive impression.

Regular replenishment of vocabulary will be ensured by the following actions.

Read quality literature daily. Be sure to get yourself a notebook where you will write down your favorite phrases and clever expressions. At the right moment, the right quote will come to mind and embellish your speech.
Working with an explanatory dictionary. As soon as you come across a new word, be sure to check its meaning in a dictionary. You can write down the word and try to remember it, but only in context, in order to avoid incorrect use of the term in the future.
Solving crosswords, scanwords and other games that require an extensive vocabulary.
Selection of synonyms. This is great practice for completing a thesaurus and will help you avoid tautology when speaking. Now there are various applications for smartphones that help you select synonyms.

Getting rid of parasitic words

Parasitic words include words and phrases devoid of any semantic meaning:

Well;
Briefly speaking;
exactly this;
type;
Here;
as if, etc.

Most often, a person pronounces them unconsciously to fill the pause that has arisen. The insidiousness of parasite words is that their use becomes a bad habit. It can be eradicated only by making conscious efforts. Here are some tips.

Record any conversation you have with friends or relatives on a voice recorder.
Listen to the recording and identify the filler words.
Train yourself to speak a little slower than you are used to, so that you have time to realize the moment when you want to utter a harmful word. It's better to take a short break.
Ask relatives, friends and acquaintances to make comments to you as soon as they hear the parasitic word. And so that the motivation of your interlocutors is even stronger and they listen more greedily to your speech, pay them 50 rubles for each “parasite” that slips through. This way you will have better control over yourself, otherwise you will go broke.

It will be difficult at first. After all, eradicating a bad habit requires enormous effort, powerful self-discipline and control. It will take 2 to 3 weeks of hard work to clear your speech of “slag.”

What is beautiful speech

First of all, you need to understand what is meant by beautiful speech. When a person speaks beautifully, he expresses his thoughts competently and coherently, his speech is smooth, clear, moderately emotional, filled with the right intonations. It is pleasant to listen to such a person, and the information he conveys is perceived easily and accessible.

Eloquence can be innate or acquired. Some people are born with the gift of eloquence and can speak calmly and feel confident in any situation - in front of the public, on the phone or in a personal conversation. They make good speakers, capable of convincing an audience of anything. People who do not have innate eloquence can develop it if they wish. There are various trainings for this, there are many books and video lessons on this topic.

Features of beautiful and confident speech

Correct construction of phrases and speech patterns, absence of water words that do not carry a semantic load.
No slang or profanity.
Even voice, smooth flow of speech without acceleration or excessive slowdown, stuttering and swallowing the endings of words.
Clear and concise presentation of information.
Using polite words in conversation, showing sincere interest in listeners.

Why is silence necessary?

The need for silence is due to the current situation. Very often circumstances arise when it is better to remain silent than to speak. You should control your speech and avoid rash words when resolving serious issues related to your personal life, during business conversations, or when communicating with strangers or children. Man is a rational being and must remain so in most life episodes, otherwise the consequences can be extremely unpleasant. Silence has several advantages. It is capable of:

create space for thought to work;
free from idle talk and fussiness;
sharpen your sensitivity to your inner and outer worlds;
ensure awareness and meaningfulness of actions;
provide an opportunity to absorb information from outside as fully as possible.

How to learn to say “no” and feel comfortable doing it?

To learn to say “no” and feel comfortable doing so, you need to eliminate the reasons that cause such problems:

Fear of the opinions of loved ones

Sometimes this is a very important problem. When a person is afraid of appearing bad in the eyes of family and friends, this forces them to always indulge them

And if suddenly a person begins to make attempts to refuse, then they begin to manipulate him with various family codes, traditions, rules, etc. Fear of missing out on opportunities. If a person refuses, then he may not get some opportunity that he is counting on. To some extent, this approach is correct: you can endure a little for the sake of getting your benefit. However, it should be understood that sometimes those opportunities that were counted on also become unattainable, since other people know how to refuse. Fear of losing relationships and being alone. This reason is also very common. A person thinks that if he agrees with his friend, partner, relative on everything, then their relationship will remain harmonious. But practice shows that more often those who cannot be refused are happy to say “no” to their partners. In other words, you are afraid to say no, but they always tell you no.

Another reason is internal tension. When a person wants to avoid conflict, he agrees with the position of another individual. Consent is a way to avoid conflict that might otherwise flare up.

It should be understood that universal agreement leads to disrespect, which arises among people who see reliability. Lack of self-respect leads to the inability to refuse, and this already causes disrespect from others.

Why, when helping another person, can you not hope that he will remember your noble deed, while when you refuse help, this event is remembered for a long time?

Firstly, the helping person himself behaves incorrectly when he wants to receive gratitude or a good memory of himself by helping other people. Undoubtedly, you want to leave a good impression on others. However, if your help is aimed only at ensuring that you are not considered a miser and an enemy, then it is better not to help anyone at all. When performing a certain act for the benefit of another person, initially refuse to have any privileges from this. Even if a person forgets about your help, you remember it. And let this be an indicator that you are a good friend and can make another person happy. Isn't this a thank you for your help?

Secondly, resentment due to refusal of help is most often based on a deeper development of the situation. The fact is that your help is your agreement to realize the dream of another person who is faced with a problem. By helping to solve a difficult issue, you are helping the other person to be happy. And as soon as the problem is solved (you helped solve it), the person is happy and now does nothing but rejoice. He doesn’t need to remember your help, so he’s busy continuing to implement his plans.

Accordingly, when you refuse help, it is as if you are denying another person the development of his happiness. It seems to him that you are to blame for the fact that he has not solved his problem, which separates him from his goal. Therefore, here a person remembers refusals of help for a long time, because he is focused on the fact that you did not help him, and not on how to still solve his problem, but without your help.

Thirdly, a person’s very upbringing and worldview force him to remember refusals and not to thank for help. When you help, in many people's minds it is taken for granted. That is why refusing help is akin to refusing God, family, and friends. They expected help from you and did not think that you would refuse. This means that people consider it right to judge you and remember your actions.

Although you are not obliged to help at the first request, since you have your own life problems and things that you are busy with. And the main thing is not whether they helped you or not, but whether you were able to cope with the difficulties of your development or not. Therefore, it is better to rely on your own strengths and not wait for outside help.

And fifthly, the fact that the mentality of a Slavic person is programmed to always help him remains important. Therefore, any refusal is considered something sinful and wrong. A person always wants to know that he will be helped. And when he is refused, it’s like he gets a slap in the face because he was only thinking about himself, and not about the fact that you can’t help or are just busy with your own business.

How to learn to say no - professional advice

Photo: LEGION-MEDIA

Before building relationships with other people, it is worth understanding what is really important to you and what is not. To do this, write a list of people, activities and events to which you want to devote your time and energy

After all, until you set your priorities, it will be difficult for you to understand what is really worth spending your time on. Otherwise, you may be tormented by doubts about whether you did the right thing by saying “no.”

2. After rejecting a person’s request, offer him an alternative, a “consolation prize.” For example, if you can't meet a friend tonight that you haven't seen in months, promise to do it in a week. The main thing in this case is to try to be truly useful to those who contact you, and not act out of a desire to get rid of feelings of guilt.

3. If you cannot help a person, show him that you heard him and understood what he needs. Tell him that he is dealing with a difficult task or that he is making every effort to solve it, and encourage him. This will help the other person feel better and cope with the rejection easier.

4. Do not worry that your refusal will seriously offend your interlocutor, because you have no complaints against him, do not reject him and do not spoil your relationship with him. Your refusal to fulfill his request only means that now you do not have the opportunity to help him

Of course, it is important to be polite and friendly, you can praise the person or their work, but still remain firm by saying no. This behavior will let the other person know that you do not reject him or her.

5. Here's another way to learn to say “no” and feel comfortable. Not each of us is able to refuse without explaining the reason. And the person who turns to us with a request often expects at least a minimum of words. You should not indulge in long, lengthy explanations; it is better to briefly outline the circumstances that served as the reason for the refusal. Perhaps you are in a hurry to see the doctor, or you are too tired and need rest, or you do not want to take on the task for moral reasons. Be honest with your partner about your motives.

Ways to remain silent in critical situations

How to learn to remain silent in such situations when emotions are in full swing and there is no opportunity to sit down and calmly meditate or retire, and words just rush out, and you are absolutely sure that you will regret them later?

Breath. When a critical situation arises in which emotions take over and you want to speak out, but this cannot be done, breathing exercises help many. Take a very deep breath and exhale for a long time. For many people, just breathing for a few minutes is enough. The brain will be oversaturated with oxygen, and the physical state will change.
Water. In order to remain silent, you can occupy your mouth with something else - drink water or eat something, chewing it well and not being distracted by extraneous irritants.
Physical exercise. If possible, physical activity can be a good way to distract from unnecessary words. Whatever is most difficult for you: squats, push-ups, presses. In other cases, you can simply run away from an unpleasant conversation in the literal sense of the word.
Painful sensations. Pain can distract you from almost everything in the world. Our body is so physiologically structured that in the presence of pain, it is distracted exclusively by them, everything else loses its significance. You can just pinch yourself. But modern psychologists have long come up with a more interesting method: a regular elastic band for tying banknotes is put on the wrist, and in emergency situations it is pulled back and released. In this case, you can adjust the amount of pain by pulling the elastic band to different lengths. By the way, this method is currently widespread and allows you not only to avoid unnecessary words in a particular situation, but also to prevent this from happening in the future, since the body develops a conditioned reflex: if you blurt out too much, you get pain.

How to say no correctly: 5 simple rules

The ability to refuse correctly, in general, comes down to politely listening to the request, weighing everything, and saying no. However, in practice this is much more difficult to do than it seems, for the reasons that we have already discussed above. Therefore, let's learn a few simple rules that will help you not only learn how to refuse, but also do it in such a way as not to experience emotional discomfort. Start following them the next time you feel the need to refuse. So:

1. Take time to think

This way you don't say no right away, but you set the person up for the possibility that he might get rejected. During this time, he can select alternative options

It is especially important to take a break if the request takes you by surprise and you need to weigh the pros and cons in a calm environment. For example, knowing that you work in a hospital, a former classmate contacted you so that you could arrange an appointment with a doctor without waiting in line

But you work as an accountant and have nothing to do with doctors, and you don’t want to be obligated to anyone, because debt is worth paying. In this case, it is advisable to answer that you will think about it and respond tomorrow. A feeling of uncertainty will force the person asking to look for backup ways to resolve his issue.

2. Practice the little things.

Learn to say no, starting with small requests. Start training with people you can easily refuse. For example, an acquaintance asks him to give him a ride somewhere, but it’s not very convenient for you right now (or you don’t want to - that’s also a good reason). Start with him - refuse his request. Of course, you should do this without detriment to yourself: if you really want to help, then do it.

It’s not difficult to start saying no to loved ones because with them there is less risk of getting a feeling of guilt for refusing as a “bonus”. But if, nevertheless, the negative emotion could not be avoided, work through the refusal again, allow yourself to get used to defending your personal space and your interests.

3. Be persistent

You have learned to refuse, but the person does not hear you and gives his arguments why your no should turn into agreement. You tell him about your emotions, and in return he tells you how he feels and why he needs help. He can’t cope without you, you are his savior. Do not succumb to provocation, although it may not be such, and the person was simply surprised by your refusal, because until you learned to say “no” it was easy for him to be with you. If necessary, repeat several times and justify your refusal.

4. Offer alternatives

The feeling of guilt that arises after saying “no” is due to the fact that you are haunted by a feeling of betrayal. And in the role of a traitor - you. Learn to think correctly! You did not leave the person in a difficult situation if you offered him alternative options. A friend asks you to babysit your child? Give her the contact information of a trusted nanny. Does your neighbor want you to lend him money until tomorrow? Share the pawnshop's phone number with him. This is an excellent technique to “smooth out” the possible negativity from your first refusals.

5. Don't make excuses!

Spare yourself and the person asking from detailed explanations and stories about why you are telling him “no.” He is interested in the result, not your excuses. A skilled manipulator will be able to find pain points and press on them in the hope that your “no” will become less firm, and then completely turn into a “yes.” If you refuse, do not forget about education and correct wording. When they ask you to borrow money, do not say bluntly, “I won’t give it because I don’t believe that you will pay it back to me.” Or if you are invited to a concert, saying “I won’t go because I’m not interested in communicating with you” is rudeness. Be polite, but most importantly, learn to save your own body’s resources and do not waste energy on those who are used to getting their way by force or through moral pressure.

Here's a little summary of this important piece of information we just covered:

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How to learn to be silent and not say too much

The motivation for self-discipline and the need to remain silent and not talk too much can be the unpleasant prospect of losing a friend, loved one, or business partner. A talkative person should understand that being in his company, which tires him with a constantly inexhaustible stream of “information garbage,” is often uncomfortable. Not all people understand that talkativeness harms not only them, but also those around them who listen to their constant complaints.

Not every person is ready to constantly discuss family problems, financial difficulties, injustice in the world, or illness with someone. Such an energy exchange is good only for a vampire person who loves to evoke pity and sympathy. Of course, trouble can happen to anyone, but if a person is always complaining about his life, then you should think about whether he is an energy vampire?

By plunging a person into their misfortunes and problems, energy vampires thus get rid of a bad mood and receive another boost of energy through consolation and encouragement from their interlocutor. After such a conversation, the interlocutor experiences fatigue and devastation. Over time, the whining person is avoided in society, and loved ones are forced to simply tolerate him.

Not everyone understands their lack of excessive talkativeness and wonders why colleagues distance themselves from them, friends disappear for a long time, and close people move away. Initially, you can try to cope with this shortcoming on your own. In severe cases, professional support from specialists (psychologist, psychotherapist) is necessary.

Reasons for being talkative

Unfortunately, not all people can control themselves when they need to remain silent and not say too much.

The reasons for increased talkativeness are three factors.

Mental illnesses. Such people are considered socially maladapted and require care or stay in medical institutions. Learning to remain silent is an incomprehensible task for them.

Psychological component. Increased talkativeness is often caused by selfishness, the desire to prove one’s superiority, arrogance, the habit of complaining, the desire to be aware of everything, to attract attention by talking about one’s problems, the need to have the last word in an argument. Changes in a person in this situation are possible only when he himself wants to learn to remain silent, realizing the disadvantages of his psychological characteristics. To do this, it is important to make an effort to speak a little, especially when there is no such need. If there are doubts about whether to speak or not, then it would be more advisable to remain silent. You need to answer people’s questions clearly, without developing the topic deeply.

Lack of education. Ignorance of norms and rules of behavior leads to the fact that a person talks a lot. If a person is ready to change and make efforts to change, then learning to remain silent and not say too much will become achievable for him.