How do women's claims and grievances destroy relationships? Special project by Alla Demidenko

“Oh, that’s it, I’m not talking to you” is a typical female reaction to an offensive word or deed of a partner.

Starve him out, let him suffer, realize he was wrong and crawl on his knees to make peace.

What if he doesn’t come? If one fine day he gets tired of playing the silent game, and a crack appears in the foundation of your relationship. After all, saying “Sorry, I was wrong” can be incredibly difficult.

Why are claims and grievances so destructive? How to protect relationships from them, restore harmony and trust?

Who is this article for?

For women who know the feeling of being offended, underestimated, misunderstood. If any quarrel turns into an exchange of claims and reproaches, you no longer understand each other, love and trust are gradually leaving the relationship - read this article urgently.

From this material you will learn:

• Where do grievances and complaints come from?
• The main mistakes of women.
• How do grudges affect relationships?
• Who should change: the offender or the offended?
• How to get rid of grievances?
• What should I do if I can’t stop being offended?

Where do grievances and complaints come from?

This mechanism is provided by nature; it protects our personal boundaries.

Think of a child reaching for a hot iron or lighter. He does not understand the warnings “This is dangerous”, “You will be hurt”, because he does not have clear associations with this feeling.

But if the baby gets burned, he won’t go near hot objects anymore. It’s exactly the same with resentment. If we don’t like some words or actions of a person, give us a feeling of discomfort, or don’t agree with our value system, we get offended and let go of the needles.

And it is this reaction that makes the partner understand: I was wrong here, there is no need to do this.

There are two important nuances associated with resentment:

1. We most often get offended by people who are close and familiar to us. We are not offended by the police who stopped us to check our documents. There is anger, irritation, but not resentment. We are not offended by the weather, which just pleased us with the warmth of the sun - and suddenly it began to rain. But if a beloved man, mother or best friend said or did something wrong, this destructive feeling appears in us.
2. Resentment is born if our expectations are not met. My wife wanted a trip to Turkey for her birthday, and her husband gave her a set of frying pans. I wanted him to be the head of the family, but he turned out to be a couch potato, incapable of decisive action. If our expectations and reality do not coincide, resentment appears.

Resentment itself is only an intuitive defense of the body. The future of your relationship depends on what tactics you choose to resolve problematic situations.

3 main mistakes

1. Silence . A woman suffers in silence, swallows insults and tries not to show how hard and painful it is for her.

Most often, this behavior is based on fears “What if he leaves” and false beliefs “Well, what’s wrong? Everyone lives like this.”

Now imagine: it’s as if the lady has plugged the emotional pipe with a stopper. And the feelings keep coming, new grievances are added to the old ones, all you need is a little push, a trigger, and the pipe breaks.

In response to a harmless phrase, a huge flow of emotions that have been accumulating for months and years is poured onto the partner. And he stands at a loss and thinks, “Where did this come from?”

2. Claims . Grievances that transformed into global discontent. In fact, this is just another way to shift responsibility for relationships onto someone else’s shoulders.

• I’m carrying the whole house on myself, and you’re not helping me at all!
• When will you start earning normal money?
• I can’t trust you with anything, I forgot to buy bread again!
• Yes, your son is growing like a cudgel. What are you thinking about?

The main difference between grievances and complaints is the form in which you try to convey your point of view to your interlocutor. The claims clearly have offensive overtones.

Now look what happens: the woman thinks that this is how she motivates the man. He’ll tell him: “You’re a rag.” He’s not even able to support his family,” and he’ll immediately start moving, proving her wrong.

This tactic does not work with a strong man. Accusations force him to defend himself, a trifling quarrel develops into a scandal, and the woman still won’t get what she wants.

3. Manipulation . Resentment is very easy to manipulate. Only a man quickly gets tired of playing the game “Guess what I’m offended by.”

At first, the manipulation works as it should: his protective instinct awakens, he wants to console you, reassure you, and make amends. But gradually rejection appears: tears no longer cause panic, but a feeling of anger.

There is also a high risk of falling into the victim state. After all, claims and grievances simplify everything: I’m good – they’re bad.

Let's look at examples:

1. “My boss is a real tyrant, that’s why I quit my job,” Masha’s voice sounds genuine resentment towards her boss. Naturally, her husband, parents and friends feel sorry for her, she was so unlucky with her job.

Only for some reason Masha kept silent about the fact that they scolded her for being regularly late, and fined her because she often lost important documents.

And in the end, the boss’s patience ran out and he fired Masha. She harbors a grudge and is now making herself out to be the victim. This position is convenient and beneficial for her.

2. Karina often complains about her husband: “He lies on the couch all day long, all the household chores are on me.” But she is in no hurry to change anything in her life; she has already become familiar with her position as a victim.

But the initial problem was that she didn’t even invite him to discuss the current situation, to share responsibilities.

She simply accumulates grievances, pulls this strap and communicates with the world through complaints.

The reasons lie in dissatisfaction

Before getting answers to all these questions, it is impossible not to touch upon the reasons for the manifestation of grievances. And not only among women, but also among representatives of the stronger sex. As it turns out, they lie in dissatisfaction. Judge for yourself…

What is the nature of a man? That's right: it is expressed in leadership qualities, in the desire to be ahead, in the desire to constantly develop and create. Thus, a feeling of dissatisfaction in modern Adam arises in cases where he cannot or for some reason does not want to realize his potential. In the previous two articles, the reasons for this have already been discussed, namely: 1) in a man’s lack of desire to be a man, society plays a significant role, which, in fact, deprives him of this need; 2) a man’s natural leadership qualities are negatively influenced first by his mother, and then by his wife.

A woman’s nature has a different purpose. She is destined to create coziness and comfort, to harmonize the world around her. Representatives of the fair sex strive to create ideal conditions around themselves. That is, develop your natural qualities and talents, raise children in an atmosphere of coziness and comfort. But do not be like men in performing some kind of labor feats (whether in the name of career growth or money).

How do grudges affect relationships?

Resentment has a cumulative effect. At first, if a man offended you, she cried and forgot. But gradually such situations destroy the emotional connection between spouses.

• Women who feel offended become extremely hot-tempered. A man increasingly hears reproaches and complaints from such a lady and does not understand the reason. In his picture of the world: a gentle and caring girl suddenly turned into some kind of monster. In fact, if a woman is often offended, she begins to perceive the man as an irritant. She no longer sees in him the positive qualities for which she once loved him. In her eyes, this is no longer a loving and kind husband, but a constant source of pain.
• Trust leaves the relationship. The foundation is gradually deteriorating and eventually the house will collapse. A person who tests your patience, insults, offends, no longer has faith. You constantly expect him to stab you in the back.
• On this basis, betrayal may occur. Resentments and claims alienate you from each other, and an emptiness appears in your soul that you want to fill. And what a person doesn’t get in a relationship, he will look for on the side. Warmth, care, intimacy, love, acceptance.
• The couple ceases to understand each other. Sometimes the resentment is so strong that you want to take revenge, to cause the same pain. And marriage turns into a ring in which spouses exchange blows.
• Frustration sets in. A woman increasingly thinks, “Why did I even marry him? Did I know he was like this? She begins to disdain her husband - and he feels it.

Tips for Dealing with Touchy Men

Living with a touchy man can be very difficult. Not every girl can tolerate such a character of her chosen one.

But if your feelings are strong and you are ready to cope with difficulties, then the following tips will help you build a happy relationship:

• Vulnerable men, when offended, often want you to feel sorry for them. In difficult situations, be a “vest” for your loved one, because who else can he cry on if not his woman.
• Don't resort to force. If you live with a touchy man, forget about assault, even as a joke. They may not forgive you for this.
• Don't yell at your husband. A gentle, calm voice and the absence of hysterics will help create a strong union. And loud showdowns and scandals can destroy them.
• Don't get personal. Evaluating a person, and especially insulting him, will only aggravate any situation.
• Laugh at your husband's jokes, even if they don't seem funny to you at all. A man wants to amuse you and conquer you with his sparkling sense of humor, let him do this.
• Remember that respect is the key to a happy relationship. Remember often the positive qualities of a man, thanks to which you chose him as your spouse.
• Try to avoid harsh criticism of your loved one. Don't say: “You did it wrong. Redo it urgently!”, try rephrasing it, for example: “You did a great job. Let’s try to change it a little,” and you will see the difference.

If you have entered into a relationship with a touchy man, know that for him you are not only a wife, but also a second mother. Love him, feel sorry for him, encourage him, forgive his misdeeds. After all, having such a character, a man resembles an adult child.

And most importantly, listen to your heart. If you truly love a person and want to be with him, you will have to put up with his character. If you are not ready for such a life and do not want to always “lead” a man with you, build a relationship with another man.

Who should change: the offender or the offended?

Let's consider the situation: a couple quarreled. Big, with a scandal. Everyone feels like a victim. The woman thinks: “He’s a man, let him apologize first. After all, I was right.”

The man thinks: “How much is possible? I always give in to her, let her realize her mistakes.” Nobody wants to make contact; a local cold war is unfolding in the house.

What happens? Everyone thinks he is right. As a result, the man cannot stand the “silence”, packs his things and goes to spend the night with friends, and the woman is left in tears to experience a new family tragedy.

Only the two of you can build a normal relationship. Even if you consider yourself a superwoman, it is impossible to hold a collapsing marriage on your shoulders alone. Therefore, the most important thing is to find a compromise, a middle ground.

1. If you give in all the time, this is the position of a victim . You don't tell him, “Stop. I feel hurt, offended, unpleasant. Please change your attitude towards me.” You simply endure silently and the accumulated negative energy periodically results in major quarrels.
2. If a man often makes concessions, this is pure manipulation . Let's assume he told something harsh but true. And what does he see? Shaking lips, eyes full of tears, hands folded in a prayer gesture. The man feels guilty and gradually begins to hate you and himself for it.
3. Nobody wants to be the first to make peace . Stalemate situation. Both of you are in the waiting mode “what if it resolves itself.” Relationships are a constant series of compromises, and you just bump heads and check whose is stronger.

The “give-receive” balance is disrupted and a claim arises as an overcorrection. With her reproaches and claims, the woman seems to be billing the man: “I gave you everything I could. But you don’t appreciate it.”

She acutely senses injustice: she spent all her energy and received nothing in return.

Constantly ignoring one’s needs, desires, needs gives rise to claims, irritation, and hatred (including towards oneself for the inability to say “no”).

That is why both partners must take part in reviving the relationship. Otherwise, it will again be a one-goal game.

Why do girls get offended?

Your girlfriend is upset with you only because she wants to see changes in your behavior. And not because you stopped suiting her. If the second had happened, then it is unlikely that she would have been offended at all - most likely, everything would have ended in separation and her complete departure.

Another thing is what kind of changes she wants to see in you. Over the years of practice in the field of seduction, I have come to the conclusion that in the vast majority of cases, resentment appears due to a woman’s desire to “crush” a man under her.

.

In words, she may say that she wants to see some changes in you, but inside she wants him.

This happens because a woman’s natural female program works 24 hours a day, aimed at finding a strong male. That is why she will try to “crush” you under her and create the maximum temptation to show weakness.

And that’s why bad boys who don’t give a damn about what girls say are in great demand among girls.

The solution in the vast majority of cases is simple: you need to clearly tell her that you are not going to do what she asks.

How to get rid of grievances?

Dialogue

Sit down and talk: do not remain silent, do not wait until emotions begin to tear you apart from the inside, but tell the man what does not suit you.

It often happens that your partner does not even realize that he is offending you. He is not a psychic and not such a sensitive person. So tell him how you feel.

Incorrect : “I’m tired of constant humiliation. You’re doing everything wrong.”

Correct : “Please don't criticize me. You are hurting me with your sarcastic remarks.”

Your words should not sound like a claim. You simply express your point of view and listen to his opinion.

Work through your feelings.

Analyze what exactly bothers you. There is a simple practice: take paper, pen and write down the grievances that you associate with this person. Now analyze your list. Divide it into three categories:

1. Grievances are situational . In which a person is really to blame. For example, “called me stupid,” “didn’t pick up the child from kindergarten,” or “forgot about our wedding anniversary.”
2. Trauma from childhood or previous relationships . Imagine: Katya was dating a guy. The relationship developed, things were heading towards marriage. Only unexpectedly did Katya find out that her beloved had a long-standing affair with a colleague. So there was a logical explanation for his extracurricular work and business trips. The girl enters into a new relationship, but the trauma remains. And when her current man doesn’t warn about delays at the office and doesn’t answer the phone for a long time, Katya gets offended. Because she has a negative experience that she is afraid to repeat.
3. Your unjustified hopes . Often grievances arise due to wounded pride or illusions that are far from reality. Ira always wanted a man to solve all problems with one call, and she married a man with a gentle character. He is not bad, just in her opinion he is not decisive, courageous, or persistent enough. Ira tries in every possible way to fashion an ideal man for herself out of her partner, but nothing works out for her. She wants him to go to work for a large IT company, but he is happy in his old, less paid position. They regularly have conflicts based on divergent interests, and this really offends Ira, because she wants what’s best.

Resentments from the first and second categories need to be worked out and discussed with your partner. Talk about your fears, suspicions, pains, dissatisfaction - only then will the relationship be truly trusting.

The third category is special. It contains your personal complaints regarding this man. He is not what you want him to be. And you have two options:

1. Accept him.
2. Try to change at your own discretion and destroy the marriage with your own hands.

Understand one truth: your claims, reproaches and lectures will not change a man. He is already a formed personality.

You can motivate him, support him, guide him, but you won’t force him to become a different person. And if you are not ready to come to terms with his shortcomings, your relationship is doomed to failure.

Find forgiveness

“I will never forgive him!” – this is the most incorrect and destructive attitude. Only soap opera heroes can live in a state of eternal resentment and hatred.

Destructive feelings destroy relationships and interfere with normal life. It is easiest to forgive a person who has realized his guilt.

Convince yourself that your personal boundaries have been restored, the man has realized his mistake and let go of the situation. If he insists that he is right, it is worth analyzing what happened.

Sometimes you need the help of a third party - a psychologist, a guide who will help you understand and rethink what happened, and get rid of negative emotions.

Learn not to be offended, but to solve the problem

You quarreled with your husband, you want to close yourself off, keep your distance, make him suffer. Just ask yourself the question: “How can you solve this problem differently”?

Finding compromises and normal dialogue is where you need to direct your energy. Don’t accumulate grievances, don’t destroy yourself from the inside, but correct the situation.

Allow yourself to release negative emotions. Some people find it helpful to talk with a friend, meditate, while others find it helpful to go for an intense run or exercise at the gym.

Your views on life

Accept the fact that every person sees this world differently. A man does not always live up to your expectations and does not always live up to your expectations.

But you also make mistakes! And don’t always ask for forgiveness for them. Pride, shame, fear do not allow.

The most common causes of female grievances

Women's grievances against men arise mainly in the sphere of interaction and interpersonal relationships. The first priority here is the lack of fulfillment of one's expectations. A characteristic of female resentment is that expectations cannot always be voiced to the man in advance or even realized by the woman herself.

For example, when going for a walk in the evening, she decides that it is a walk for two in the park, and the man calls together a group of cheerful friends. Logic prevents a woman from directly expressing her dissatisfaction, since neither of the couple has agreed on specific options for the evening, so she can sit with a sour expression on her face or act silent and cold. If a man does not fulfill the specific agreements voiced (for example, to pick her up at seven from the salon), then this is perceived as indifference, and it does not matter that there was an emergency at work - they forgot about the woman, for her personal world this is a tragedy and only the situation can be rehabilitated unconditional confidence in one’s need, shown after.

Low self-esteem and the desire to be the only content of a man’s life are in second place in the popularity of causing resentment. In this case, no matter how the young man behaves, the situation will not change until the girl works with her inner world. Uncertainty and the need for constant reinforcement of one’s own need are a consequence of complexes that force one to think out something that did not exist in reality. Thus, the phrase “normal dress” can be perceived as “you need to lose weight,” and fatigue after a working day is perceived as a lack of personal interest in her. There are many options, but few people can constantly fight the fantasies of uncertainty.

Next to the complexes comes the fear of being rejected, thanks to which important and conflicting issues are resolved with the help of hints and manipulations. Those who fear direct conflict will never discuss the situation openly, as this may cause confrontation. But no one will attack the offended person; they usually take pity on him and fulfill his requests.

Of course, there are also direct provocations for being offended - these are frank glances at other women, a frivolous attitude or reluctance to talk about the status of your couple and an objective lack of attention along with a dismissive and boorish attitude.

When should you not be offended by a girl?

Many guys get offended by ladies for minor reasons. You shouldn't do this. After all, this way you can jeopardize your relationship. There is no point in being angry with a girl if:

1. She was making fun of you;
2. She called you a name that is unpleasant to you;
3. She accidentally did something bad;
4. The girl was late or forgot something;
5. I once suspected you of treason.

If you show her that you are a kind guy, she will reciprocate your feelings and also forgive you for a small mistake. If you are offended by everything, then a war will break out between you and you will have a hard time.

When should you be offended by a girl?

But peace is not always the best option. There are situations that need to be tightly controlled. Otherwise, the lady may “sit on your neck.” Then you will become henpecked. In particular, the following situations should cause just anger and resentment:

• She deliberately damaged your item (for example, a phone);
• The girl deliberately gives reasons for jealousy;
• She always stalks and controls you;
• The lady insults you publicly and intentionally;
• The girl treats you like an inferior being.

Many mothers teach their daughters that “a man should be under his thumb.” And daughters act according to this attitude. And if you start to be offended and declare that your rights are being violated, then the lady will begin to take you into account.

In addition, resentment is a method of explanation. For example, if she does not understand you, then when you stop communicating with her, she will begin to listen to you. The main thing here is not to go too far. Otherwise, separation is inevitable.

Is it worth apologizing?

Finally, the most important question: “Should I apologize to her?”

If you don’t immediately have an answer to this question, then most likely you are not to blame for the current situation, and her accusations are groundless.

How to understand what the purpose of her offense is?

If she never told you before that she doesn’t like your character, your behavior, if she chose you herself, and now asks you, then there is a clear desire to force you to adapt to her.

In this case, of course, you need to stand your ground. However, be prepared for the fact that if you refuse to behave the way she wants, then she may be “offended even more” and.

This is normal because this way she will try to check if you are bluffing.

If you are sure that you are right, then you should not make any apologies.

. Even if you feel like doing it, stand your ground with all your might. Unfortunately, most guys don’t know what to do if a girl is offended, and try to find at least some way out of the situation (i.e., meet her halfway and start apologizing). This is due to their weakness, lack of understanding of the situation and need for a girl.

Doesn't want to communicate? Instead of trying to get in touch with her, do the “further” thing yourself by stopping writing or calling her.

If it turns out that her offense was truly groundless, and she just wanted to test you, then in a very short time she herself will meet you halfway and maybe even apologize, saying that she was wrong.

You should apologize only in one case: when you are really to blame. The apology should be short and delivered once. If you apologize despite not being at fault, you will greatly reduce your attractiveness.

. And then be sure: the relationship will give a real crack.

Get the girl back

What to do if a girl is offended

It is rare to meet a guy who has not encountered such a manifestation of female despotism as resentment! After all, you know how it happens: everything is going great and wonderful, but suddenly, because of some trifle, the girl completely stops making contact and closes herself off from you. Naturally, guys who are used to sharing their thoughts with a girl find themselves in a not very pleasant situation: they are left alone with an insensitive log!

Also, when finding themselves in such a situation, many guys begin to make wrong actions and mistakes, which not only do not help overcome the girl’s resentment, but also aggravate the situation with power and respect in the couple. For one offense, a guy can lose so many points of personal reputation and strength that he will forever remain in the girl’s eyes: “Weak and incapable.” It is for this reason that it is necessary to approach the issue of resentment not only from the position of speedy restoration, but also from the position of maintaining strength and power.

You need to understand that in this situation, not only the subject of the conflict is of great importance, but also the tactics for resolving such a dispute. You can even say this: testing your behavior is the girl’s main task.

Why do girls get offended?

Resentment is one of the ways of female manipulation, directed against a man’s firm position on any categorical issue. This method can be compared to slowly washing away the foundation from under a man’s feet, which ultimately destroys all his arguments. This is a very cunning and insidious method that works primarily against men who are not indifferent to this girl. Therefore, this can be called playing against your own people, which is simply terrible.

Most often, girls use this tactic in two situations, which will be discussed below. There are also narrow-minded individuals who use this method every time. True, men leave such people quickly enough, because no one wants to endure it!

Revenge for a man's mistake.

Many guys are blind when it comes to relationships with their girls. They make a number of mistakes that hurt their girlfriend, and then the guys really don’t understand why she’s trying to prove something to them. Then, tired of her helplessness, the girl resorts to resentment, which serves both as an excellent way to take revenge on the guy for misunderstanding, and as a tool to widen his eyes.

Pushing your position.

Where words and beliefs don’t work, physical threats and manipulation work great. Unfortunately or fortunately, many girls do not use physical force due to its absence, but manipulation of guys is inherent in them by nature itself. So, resentment is one of the most common ways that plays into a guy’s potential to lose this girl.

Those. Now we know that all the girl’s resentment pursues exclusively one main goal - to influence the man and force him to do what the girl wants. Everything is much simpler and very logical. If you think that your girlfriend is offended for no reason, then know that there is actually a reason, and it sits inside the girl, although she herself may not even understand it.

How to behave when a girl is offended

You must clearly understand that the girl wants to break you with her behavior and force you to fulfill any of her demands. And as soon as you break, it will remember the following algorithm:

· I want to get something;

· I get offended when they don’t give me this;

· I get it.

This behavior can be compared to the behavior of a small child, when he shakes his license and is hysterical, and his parents are forced to do something. However, to our great joy, the methods that our parents use also work on the girl.

The key rule for resolving any grievance is: “For you to take any action, the girl must also pay a certain price.”

Then it will be clear to her that her resentment will not be the key to what she wants, but only one of the tools of the trade, and that’s right. And now to some points.

Should a guy apologize when the girl herself is wrong?

Although many people advise holding your position until the end and fighting the girl, it is still better to be a little more cunning. In such a situation, you can apologize to the girl, but your words should not be followed by any actions. Those. only words and nothing more, such a reciprocal manipulation in her direction.

Don't rush into action.

Imagine a situation where a guy stands firm in his position, but as soon as the girl starts blackmailing him, he immediately jumps up and starts running and fussing. A girl in such a situation will be quite justified in thinking that the guy’s previous firmness was just nonsense, and this cannot be allowed. Therefore, during any offense, wait for a theatrical pause.

Try to understand the reason for the girl's behavior.

You probably think that analyzing the reasons for a girl’s behavior is needed in order to somehow correct the situation and find a common language with the girl? No, an analysis of the reason is needed only in order not to overpay the girl for her offense. Why give her a gift of a trip to a restaurant when her resentment would be happy with a box of chocolates. After all, we all know very well that if a girl grabs us tightly by the throat, then we can’t just get rid of her, because we love and value our relationship with her. And the girl does not leave us, but only manipulates, which also shows her positive attitude towards us.

What should your action algorithm look like?

1. After the girl begins to manipulate and offend you, you should take a theatrical break and not change your behavior towards her at all. No matter how she behaves, you should not succumb to her manipulations.

2. After you are left alone and can calmly think, you need to understand the true reasons for a woman’s resentment. Most often, girls speak quite openly about their complaints, you just need to remember.

3. Next, you need to enter a betting round. The usual market mechanisms are at work here: you offer something small and demand something from the girl in return. And then you gradually negotiate acceptable terms for resolving the conflict. If the girl does not make contact with you and is still silent, then either you have not waited enough or she is not satisfied with your terms of the deal.

4. You fulfill your conditions, control the girl’s fulfillment of the conditions and live calmly and happily.

One moment.

Sometimes girls do not want to discuss any conditions at first, but this is a temporary phenomenon. They will be available for trading soon.

Girls know how to professionally spoil the nerves of their faithful ones. and it's no secret. But is it worth being offended by a girl if she behaves badly and constantly provokes you? There is no answer to this question. It all depends on the specific situations. After all, some bad deeds happen by accident and do no harm. But there are cases when girls can cause serious harm to your reputation and your entire life.