The psychology of relationships between a man and a woman is a vast topic that can be discussed endlessly and never come to a common denominator. As a psychologist, I studied the theory of relationships for several years, and then in practice, working with clients who are in problematic relationships or on the verge of breaking up, I identified several of the most important rules of relationships that can be easily applied in practice to achieve mutual understanding and long happy lives. years of marriage.
In this article, I will tell you what you should never do in a relationship. You will learn three forbidden tricks, as well as six rules of what you need to do if you dream of building a healthy, harmonious relationship. What men and women want, what they fear, and what they dream about in relationships – you will find out in this article.
So, the psychology of relationships between a man and a woman.
- Rule #1: Mindfulness
Relationships between a man and a woman
The relationship between a man and a woman should be based on love, patience, respect, understanding, passion. There are no absolutely ideal relationships; resentments and misunderstandings periodically arise in any family.
Love is a feeling of deep sympathy, affection and aspiration for another person.
Source Wikipedia
One of the main needs in a relationship is communication. When this does not happen, the family begins to fall apart. Partners must be emotionally open to each other. They should not only talk, but also share their feelings, desires and secrets.
You must be able to adapt to your partner, empathize, give advice, and understand him. Treat your other half with care.
If partners are happy, there are no secrets between them. They can talk to each other about everything in the world. Argue and not be afraid of being ridiculed. Healthy relationships are about respect.
If the husband does not agree with his wife’s opinion, he will not insult her, but will step aside so that she can “cool down” and later try to explain why she is wrong.
Mutual support is important in a relationship. Partners rejoice in each other’s successes, overcome difficulties together, and develop together. And then the relationship becomes strong and harmonious.
The most difficult thing in a relationship is to remain yourself and accept your partner for who he is. There is no need to change anyone. If people feel good together, they relax, and they don’t need to pretend and pretend to be someone else. You must behave naturally with your partner and be able to compromise in any situation.
A relationship will not be complete without intimate life. Sexual desire is a common need of any adult. If you ignore it, further development of the relationship will be impossible.
What is a relationship?
A relationship is a strong connection between two subjects, which is based on emotional attachment, reciprocity, and awareness of one’s obligations to the partner. A healthy, mutually beneficial, long-lasting and serious relationship is based on 5 components:
- confidence . The opportunity to relax, not wait for a trick, as well as confidence in the person who is nearby, brings you very close. This is why trust is one of the most important parts of a good union;
- respect. The ability to appreciate each other improves any relationship, makes partners feel needed and recognized;
- attention . If people see each other or correspond once a year, then their connection can hardly be called strong and reliable. It is important to spend time with loved ones, create new memories and impressions;
- tolerance. Tolerance for other people's shortcomings, lack of aggression, acceptance of the difference between two personalities help to overcome difficulties and avoid serious conflicts;
- sincerity _ Lying undermines trust and respect, suppresses the desire to give attention to the deceiver and treat him with tolerance. This is what makes openness and honesty so important.
Take the compatibility test
If at least one of the parts is ignored, the relationship begins to gradually deteriorate and then collapse. It is also important that such demands are made to both partners. Even if one of them follows absolutely all the rules, and the other forgets about them, problems will still arise, regardless of the efforts of the first.
These 5 components apply not only to friendships or romantic relationships. They apply everywhere, but the degree and understanding of these rules varies. For example, a business partnership also requires trust, honesty, and the other listed elements. The same applies to the interaction between teacher-student, parent-child, buyer-seller, supplier-seller, customer-performer, and any other social roles. Without 5 such details, it is impossible to achieve a common goal, since the meaning of all cooperation is lost.
Relationships between men and women - psychology
Relationships between a man and a woman can inspire, inspire and make you happy. But they can also cause disappointment, despair and loss of trust in your partner.
A man and a woman are two sides of the same coin.
Jan Stanpen
To maintain a warm and close relationship, to enjoy every minute spent next to your loved one, you just need to follow simple rules:
- A person attracts people like himself. If you are not satisfied with something in your personal life, first of all, you should understand yourself. If everything is fine with you, and you are lucky with the people around you, then this is your merit;
- Your soulmate is your mirror image. Give him and give everything that you would like to receive yourself;
- Relationships will be strong if you are willing to sacrifice something for your loved one, take care of him and be responsible. Relationships will be doomed to failure in advance if they are built on jealousy, suspicion, and a sense of ownership;
- Control your speech. As they say, “the word is not a sparrow; if it flies out, you won’t catch it.” Do not humiliate or insult your partner, forget about reproaches. This can lead to a scandal or a break in the relationship;
- Speak more kind words, give compliments, support in difficult situations;
- The basis of relationships and an integral element of love is trust. There is no need to constantly monitor your loved one, check his SMS messages and social networks;
- There will be no good atmosphere in the family if the partners do not respect each other. Their views on life may be different, but they must learn to respect the other’s opinion and not impose their own on him;
- Find time to spend with your partner and take care of him.
— An original theory of human interaction.
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American psychotherapist, creator of Transactional Analysis, Eric Berne, became the author of the original theory of human relationships, outlined in the book “Games People Play.” He carefully and subtly analyzed the behavior of people in different situations, and this led him to the statement: the biggest problem arises when sincerity disappears in communication and relationships, when people stop being themselves and start playing, instead of behaving naturally and mature.
Berne talks about three personality states that manifest themselves differently in each of us: “Child”, “Parent”, “Adult”.
The “child” lives in a person all his life. It is the most sincere part of ourselves, manifesting itself when we think, react and feel as we did in childhood. Everyone was once little and retained in their soul the experiences and attitude of that time. The “child” is characterized by intuition, insight, emotionality, spontaneity, joy and charm, a thirst for knowledge, miracle and magic, a creative, extraordinary approach. However, in its negative manifestations, the “Child” can be capricious, hysterical, frivolous, wayward, or highly dependent on the “Parents” and someone else’s care.
The “parent” in us reasons as his father and mother or other adults once did - this is a whole complex of beliefs, norms and prejudices that arose in childhood, giving rise to certain prohibitions in us and forcing us to act and think according to the scheme “ That’s how it’s done.” From time to time such a “Parent” makes itself felt within each of us.
The personality of an “Adult” is realized as the ability to find a solution in problematic and difficult situations, to show a mature and creative approach. There is a portion of the “Adult” in each of us (even in a child) - and this means that we are all capable of being independent, wise and objective.
All these three states are very important for the full development of the individual, but it is important that they are harmoniously combined. It is important that communicating people are “on the same level” and that the state that manifests itself corresponds to the situation: solve a problem as an “Adult” with an “Adult”, relax or admire something as a “Child” with a “Child”, make important decisions like two "Parents". Difficulties arise when this rule is not followed, for example when one person addresses another as an “Adult” to an “Adult”, expecting a reasonable, calm reaction, or as a “Child” to a “Parent”, expecting help, love and support, but receives the opposite from the interlocutor.
Let’s say a husband asks his wife, addressing him as “Adult” to “Adult”: “Do you know where my watch is?” Instead of calmly answering: “They are on the table,” the wife answers capriciously, like an offended “Child”: “Well, I always have to know everything,” or edifyingly, like a “Parent”: “Why do you never know where your things? Looks like he’s not small anymore.” Natural communication is disrupted by inappropriate reactions, and as a result, scandals, misunderstandings, and alienation often arise.
This is how a new way of relationship develops and takes hold—Bern calls it “game.” As a result of the game, sincerity disappears; the players seem to put on the masks they are used to, hiding behind them, protecting themselves from the manifestation of real feelings. “Look what I did because of you!”, “Darling, I love you, can you buy me a fur coat?”, “I’m just trying to help you,” “Only over my dead body,” “Either me or him / she/it”... How often in communication do we resort to such games (their list can be continued) and as a result we move away from each other and we ourselves do not notice how warmth, sincerity, naturalness leave the relationship, and what remains is a kind of blackmail and manipulation of each other friend. You may be interested in an article about relationships in a team.
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Relationships between a man and a woman
Each partner should have personal space and be free to use their time as they see fit.
If you want a strong relationship:
- Be cheerful. Life is a complicated thing and sometimes things happen that you are not particularly happy about. But you need to think positively and enjoy life, and this will affect your relationship with your partner;
- Feel free to show your feelings, confess your love and give gifts to your loved one. Hug him, say gentle words, talk to him more about current affairs, about your problems. There must be a relationship between lovers;
- Spouses should sleep together, it brings them closer together.
To save a marriage, both spouses must work at it.
Secrets of good family relationships
To maintain a strong relationship, do not forget about these simple tips:
- Don’t make scandals with or without reason, be tolerant of each other;
- Make time to connect with your partner. Even if you are at work all day, find time to discuss family matters and problems with your significant other;
- Support him in any useful endeavors. Your interest gives him confidence and motivates him;
- Learn to listen to each other.
Books about family relationships
“Don't yell at the children! How to resolve conflicts with children and make them listen to you”, Daniele Novara
In intrafamily relationships, it is difficult to avoid conflicts, after which alienation may arise. Psychologist Daniele Novara tells us how to learn to cope with such situations correctly.
The practical advice given in the book will help, in particular, to improve relationships with teenagers and teach them to control themselves in moments when patience is running out.
Buy a book
“How to Help Your Child Grow Up,” Robert Winston, Laverne Antrobus, Teresa Day and others
The child is growing, and this process causes panic in many parents. This beautifully illustrated book contains a detailed description of the stages of a child's growing up, compiled by famous psychologists and teachers.
And it will become an indispensable tool for those who do not know where to start a dialogue with a teenager and how to discuss difficult topics.
Buy a book
"The Emotional Intelligence of a Child" by John Gottman
John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, has been studying couples with children for more than 40 years and knows how important it is to learn to understand a child's emotions.
The methods described in the book for developing a child’s emotional intelligence will help parents maintain friendly relations with him, and will also teach him how to cope with difficult situations.
Buy a book
Let Them Go by Julie Lythcott-Haims
Great love and fear for children hinders both parents and growing individuals. Author, TED speaker and mother of two teenagers, has worked with young people aged 17–20 for 10 years.
Julie Lythcott-Haims has seen time and again how helicopter parents deprive teenagers of the opportunity to fully grow up. And therefore he offers alternative methods of education. Their use will give parents peace of mind and children freedom.
Buy a book
How to build a relationship with a man
For partners to live happily ever after, they need to learn how to build relationships. And for this there are certain rules that cannot be broken.
What are these rules?
If you decide to build a relationship with a man, you need to decide on your self-esteem. Understated or, conversely, too high, it will interfere with relationships. You must set a clear goal for yourself: what kind of person do you need for your life together and how do you imagine your relationship with your partner.
The first impression a girl makes on a guy is of great importance. It is unlikely that he will want to start a family with a frivolous person. Watch your speech. Do not use too bright cosmetics, choose comfortable and practical clothes and shoes. Don't forget that you are a girl, so the guy should take the first step towards dating.
Relationships between a man and a woman should be built on love, trust, respect, and honesty. Strong relationships are built on female wisdom. Don’t be offended over trifles, don’t make scandals, know how to remain silent where necessary.
How to build a strong relationship with a man
Any woman wants a man next to her with whom she would feel protected, attractive and at the same time weak as a woman.
And yet, before meeting their one and only, many have to go through disappointments in order to understand what she really wants. And that's not a bad thing. From her personal experience, she will be able to understand the individual characteristics of her character and decide how to build a future relationship with a man.
What does a woman want from a man? It depends on age, social status, temperament, social circle.
Here are the main reasons why a woman wants a relationship with a man:
- Marry. This is a natural desire of any woman of reproductive age. Every woman wants to start a family, give birth to a child, take care of her husband;
- Don't be lonely, love and be loved;
- Meet a patron who would solve her financial problems;
- Find a good caring lover;
- Find a father for your children.
Every woman should remember one simple thing: a good relationship with a man will only work out when a woman loves and respects herself.
In this case, she will not enter into a relationship with a married man, gigolo or psychopath. Only when she has a good relationship with her partner can she feel happy.
Books about unhealthy relationships
“Assertiveness. Have your say. Say no. Set boundaries. "Get Control" by Patrick King
Patrick King, author of books and business coach, teaches how to competently defend your interests and protect your boundaries. And this is a real practical guide for those who suffer from chronic forms of their own helpfulness.
The author also offers readers a unique 27-day plan for emergency strengthening of their own borders.
Buy a book
"It's Complicated" by Harriet Lerner
Resentment, despair, anger - these emotions poison the life of a couple. Doctor of Philosophy and psychotherapist Harriet Lerner explains how to regain happiness and enjoy communication. Her advice will help you gain wisdom and self-confidence.
With the help of the author, you will also understand why it is so important to be able to hear and listen and what our loved ones really want from us.
How to build a relationship with the man you love
How to build a relationship with your loved one in order to ultimately create a strong family?
A happy family is the hard work of two people.
What are the relationships based on?
- On feelings. Love, respect, affection - these are the feelings that make a couple stay together. If people are indifferent to each other, then they will not succeed in a family union. Sometimes feelings undergo changes. Love turns into hatred, respect into disdain. But people never remain indifferent in relationships. Feelings can be killed or made even stronger. It all depends on both partners;
- Depends on the person's upbringing. If a child grew up in a strong family where the father loved and respected the mother, then he will grow up to be just as caring and gentle. And, on the contrary, if he was brought up in a dysfunctional family, drinking and fighting took place before his eyes, he will most likely choose the same scenario of behavior when he gets married;
- Experience matters a lot. If a woman lived with a tyrant husband, she will subconsciously look for the same qualities in her current partner, despite his good attitude towards her. And if a guy broke up with a sweet, caring girl, he will not immediately be able to discern the deceitful and evil essence in his new girlfriend. Lack of experience also negatively affects relationships. It will be quite difficult to understand a new partner; you will have to learn to give in and defend your opinion.
Strong relationships are based on a mutual desire to be together. Lovers adapt to each other, find compromises, and work around rough edges. And this work gives positive results and helps us live together for many years.
The role of the emotional component in human relationships
When building any interpersonal relationships, empathy is the basis.
Empathy is the response of one person to the emotional state of another.
A person has different types of emotional states: simple biological emotions (for example, fear), mood emotions (cheerful, tired, etc.), affects (rage), feelings, stress reactions. Of course, based on any type of these emotional states, contacts will be built in different ways.
Photo: https://pixabay.com/photos/family-love-father-daughter-peek-729454/
You need to understand that it is not possible to build adequate contact in all emotional states. For example, affective emotions are definitely not conducive to adequacy.
The ability to empathize helps you guess and recognize your partner's feelings. Empathy can be cognitive (it manifests itself in understanding the state of your interlocutor, but without changing your own emotional state), emotional (not only understanding, but also sympathy, empathy for your partner) and higher (when you not only realize, accept and sympathize, but also act in accordance with the emotional state of the partner).
Sometimes emotions may seem to get in the way of some relationships. But that's not true. After all, any emotion performs some function: reflective-evaluative, protective, activating, compensating. If you realize that some emotion brings discomfort to your relationship, then you need to realize it and find what need you or your partner is trying to satisfy by expressing this emotion.
Why are relationships needed?
The desire to find your soul mate is primarily driven by the desire to procreate. I want to start a family, give birth and raise children.
Besides this, there are other reasons:
- It’s easier to live together and experience life’s difficulties;
- It’s more joyful to experience pleasant moments together;
- In difficult times you can rely on someone;
- There is someone to care about and someone to turn to for advice;
- To have someone to meet old age with.
The reasons are different for everyone, but, in any case, it is much more difficult to live alone than with a loved one.
Why can't you build relationships?
Sometimes it happens that a beautiful and smart woman cannot build a relationship with a man.
Why is this happening?
The reasons can be very different, but the main ones are:
- Bad example of parents. It is very important to understand that all people are different, as well as situations. It is quite possible that your life will be more successful than that of your relatives;
- Demands on men are too high. Give free rein to your feelings, not your mind. Treat men more easily;
- Takes on the male role. You shouldn’t do this and make decisions for men. This scares them away. Be feminine, gentle, defenseless;
- Idealization of a partner. Accept your partner for who he really is. Do not idealize him, do not attribute to him the qualities that you would like to see in him. Otherwise, you will have to be disappointed in him later;
- Self-dislike. Love yourself, be confident, smile more often. Do something you enjoy.
But very often a woman cannot build a relationship with a man because he:
- Womanizer;
- Egoist;
- Gigolo;
- Despot;
- Alcoholic.
If a woman has nevertheless linked her fate with such a person, it is better to end the relationship with him as soon as possible and try to find a worthy match. There is no need to dwell on negative experiences. Live, rejoice and believe that very soon everything will be fine for you.
What you should never do - 3 forbidden tricks in relationships
Most of us grew up in Soviet times, and our parents and grandparents, who grew up in Soviet times, passed on their way of thinking and beliefs to us. In the post-war period, people got married because it was impossible to survive alone, and many families were created on the basis of the proverb “if you endure it, you fall in love.” There was no trace of any psychology of relationships back then, and therefore their relationships are for us rather an indicator of how not to do things, how not to communicate and how not to live. But unknowingly, we nevertheless adopted their model of behavior, which successfully earned ≈80% of divorces. So, what did they do that we should never repeat?
Technique #1: “Losers”
The first thing that was almost customary was to insult each other and inadvertently say that “you’re a simpleton and a fool, and you won’t succeed,” “no one needs you but me,” “you’ve always been a loser.” and stuff like that. In other words, there was a lack of support and protection in the relationship, and mutual jokes that humiliated dignity and lowered self-esteem became more rude and painful every year.
You must understand that popular psychology did not exist back then, and the foundation of relationships was in most cases forced or forced. Many people did not know what a resourceful and healthy relationship was. But now you are reading this article, and it is your duty to pass on to your children and grandchildren a new, psychologically healthy model of relationships. After all, no matter how many smart books your children read about this, unconsciously they will still internalize the model of their parents’ relationships, that is, yours.
Mutual reproaches and insults, lack of faith in your partner are a great force. A woman who does not believe in her man’s success, does not respect him and allows herself insulting words towards him, can turn a charismatic and successful man into a typical “couch character” with a low standard of living and a complete lack of self-confidence. A man who doesn’t value his woman at all can also easily, in a few years or even months, turn a beautiful, blossoming woman into a worthless, hunched over little thing who really becomes “nobody needs anyone else but him.”
Why is this happening? Because anyone, even the most self-confident person with a core of steel, hearing the same words addressed to him, sooner or later begins to believe in them. Call your partner a loser every day, and after some time he will start thinking about himself too, and the time is not far off when he will actually turn into a complete loser. As they say, whatever you name the ship, that’s how it will sail.
Sometimes it seems that many people take pleasure in showing their partner that he did everything wrong, he did not succeed, and he is nothing. Perhaps this is the biggest mistake in a relationship, as well as the most traumatic thing for a person - immersing him in a feeling of failure and unfulfilled expectations. If you act this way, you will never see a successful partner next to you. In this unhealthy atmosphere, your partner will fade away day by day, and will cease to be desired and loved for you and for himself.
Technique #2: “We ourselves”
Another big mistake of that time, which we successfully adopted from our grandparents, is that we should not rely on anyone, we should not ask anyone for help, and we should solve all our problems ourselves.
Human psychology is such that he can and sometimes wants to solve the problems of his partner; deep down, every person enjoys helping. But only in those cases when they ask him for help and easily accept it from him. If, for example, a woman makes it clear to a man that she refuses his help, he will most likely stop offering it over time. Because refusal of help is perceived by a person as uselessness and lack of demand.
What do we end up with? Cheating, separation, divorce. And all because the spouses, proudly announcing to each other that they do not need anyone’s help, eventually begin to feel unclaimed and not needing each other. Women came to me for consultations who never asked their husbands for anything, did everything themselves and believed that he should be grateful to them for this. And then, one fine day, the husband left for another. Because he did not feel his strength and irreplaceability, being next to a woman who did not need anything from him. And the other one probably needed his help, which means, in his opinion, he needed him too. Any person is happy when he is asked to help, because it means that he is valued and valued.
In the modern world, both a man and a woman can exist without a relationship, both can support themselves and, if necessary, call a “husband for an hour.” And, doing everything on their own and not feeling their own relevance in relationships, people cease to understand why they need relationships at all.
In the case when a man does not ask for help and believes that he must do everything himself, the situation is also deplorable. When such a man finds himself in a psychologist’s office, it turns out that he shares practically nothing with either his friends or his wife. It’s somehow “not accepted” among friends, “I’ll look like a weakling,” “they’ll make fun of me.” And the wife - “Who will she rely on, who will be her support and protection, if I myself need her help? She will stop perceiving me as a protector, she will stop respecting me.”
As a rule, after several consultations we find out that all these thoughts are delusions generated by the ancient negative attitudes of the father or grandmother. Having dispelled these misconceptions, we come to the conclusion that sharing problems and asking for help is one of the things that preserves and fills relationships with pleasant joy, binds people to each other even closer and gives both partners an important reason to love each other.
Technique #3: “Strong and independent”
This mistake is similar to the previous one, but differs in that the person not only does not accept help from his partner, but also tries to compete with him.
We live in a world where long-term relationships are only possible for two opposite roles. Even among same-sex couples, roles are often distributed in two different directions and both partners complement each other in everything. If one is better at cooking, then let the other fix the plumbing. And if two people in a couple try to be equally strong and perform the same roles, such relationships are usually doomed to failure.
Nature will strive to make opposites out of them. So, if a woman takes on male roles, her level of the male hormone testosterone may well increase. Such a testosterone-rich couple will have excellent, stormy sex for the first time. Then the man’s testosterone level will begin to fall, it will become weaker, and he will begin to have problems with erection. Over time, he will lose interest in his strong woman. And it will be better for him if this happens as soon as possible. Otherwise, he may lose his job, self-confidence, and besides, his body will weaken, he will become more fragile and feminine. So, it is completely unprofitable for a man to be in a relationship with a strong woman, otherwise nature, striving for eternal balance, will make him a weak man.
And this is not about the fact that a woman should be weak and a man should be strong. This means that in a couple no one should compete with each other. If you find yourself wanting to earn not just a lot, but more than your partner; on the desire to be brighter, better, more beautiful, more interesting than him. On the desire to stand out against its background. Or the fact that you are insulted and humiliated by his successes, while you fail. All this may mean that you unconsciously have a burning desire to be better than him, to defeat him.
So, these were the three most common mistakes in relationships. Of course, there are many more such mistakes in life. And in those couples where partners make these mistakes, discord in the relationship occurs quite quickly. Avoid them if you want to create harmony and comfort in your family.
