How to improve relationships with your mother: advice from a psychologist. Difficult relationship with mother

September 16, 2018
Psychology of relationships
Valentina Buravleva

Relationships with your mother are not always ideal. Sometimes they only bring pain and misunderstanding. Such relationships are especially difficult for daughters.

The problem of conflicts with parents

Many people ask the question of how to improve relationships with their mothers, especially daughters. Conflicts between mother and daughter are different. It depends on the character of a person, his upbringing, the social environment in which he grew up. Therefore, all people react completely differently to the behavior of another person. Perhaps in one case the conflict may develop into a regular quarrel, and in another there will be a sincere conversation with each other.

Why is this approach important?

Parents occupy a central place in our lives. They are sources of energy, the proper use of which allows one to achieve success in life, especially expressed in contacts with representatives of the opposite sex. Parental denial is destructive in nature, spreading to all areas of life. Does a woman not accept her mother? There is a high probability of difficulties conceiving a baby, problems during pregnancy and other negative consequences. It's hardly worth paying such a high price.

Try to understand each other

How to improve relationships with your mother if they are filled with misunderstandings and conflicts? In psychology, there are several important recommendations for a daughter to establish a good relationship with her mother. And one of the most important things is to try to understand each other. It is obvious that the mother and children belong to different generations.

The environment in which the mother was raised is significantly different from the environment in which the daughter (or son) is now. Every year people's worldviews change. Modern youth are becoming more educated. The older generation can only envy their enthusiasm. Such cultural and age differences create conflict situations between relatives. Therefore, it is very important that the daughter understands the existing reason for the differences between generations. This will promote mutual understanding.

Guilt

Mom worked three jobs to provide for and raise her daughter, and now she receives ungrateful treatment every day, but it was worth such effort. In such a family, parents who want to get more recognition from their children, because at home the husband is not very grateful, or the mother-in-law, or the boss at work does not appreciate them, shift responsibility onto them and force them to live in a sense of guilt. This is often expressed in the following phrases: “When you got sick, I didn’t sleep at night, but do you remember that operation, how much my father and I had to work for it? Did your English tutor just come to you, or did we hire him for you? While I was in hospitals with you, your older sister was alone at home.” Over time, this guilt can grow to cosmic proportions and simply suffocate. Talk to your mom from a position of responsibility for her own decisions.

Confidence

As you know, blood ties between close people are the main factor in trusting relationships between relatives. For a parent, his child will always remain small, even despite his age. The relationship between mother and child is the purest connection that can exist between people. All activities of a mother are aimed only at the well-being of her own child.

Therefore, any daughter should understand that her mother wishes only the best for her. Only years later is it possible to realize that sometimes a mother is the only person who is incapable of betrayal. After all, friends are not always faithful. And the mother will always be on the side of her child. If you realize this simple truth, then trust will gradually develop in relation to the person closest to you in life - then the question of how to improve relations with your mother will no longer torment you.

Where has gratitude gone?

Chances are you already have some practice in seeking gratitude. They probably tested the power of self-hypnosis on themselves, awakened their conscience, sought mercy and forgiveness. Obviously they didn't find...

Despite all the efforts, the notorious feeling of gratitude remained something mythical, almost like unicorns. It is quite possible that there are real reasons for such coldness. Start with this. Realize what exactly you blame your parents for. What is hindering your relationship now?

There can be many options. But most often one of the reasons listed below is at work.

Set personal boundaries

Of course, mother and child must be emotionally connected. However, not to such an extent that they turn into bosom girlfriends/friends. A best friend is a person with whom you can share your most intimate things and be listened to. But it is impossible to do this with the mother, since there will always be issues in which a close family connection will only interfere with sincerity.

This is due to the fact that even the best friend or girlfriend cannot share the same unconditional love that is present in the relationship between mother and child. A mother may be ready to make any sacrifices for her child and always justifies him (in certain cases, which, of course, cannot be called the norm, she accuses him). A best friend or girlfriend, on the contrary, can listen to a person from the outside and give advice. It is the opportunity to share with another person what is boiling over that ultimately allows you to find support within yourself. But such a friend cannot be a mother.

Changes

A poor relationship with your mother may be due to age. All parents go through the eternal conflict between fathers and children. In a few years, when the teenager grows up, the relationship will improve. Another reason that the relationship has deteriorated may lie in a change in the situation. For example, you lived alone for a long time, and now a new man or woman has appeared in your life. Any change of environment is perceived by the child as a threat to well-being, even if he is already quite an adult. Maybe your son or daughter doesn’t like some of the shortcomings of your new significant other that you don’t notice, or don’t want to notice because you’re afraid of being alone again. Talk impartially and try to calmly find out the reasons for what is happening.

Relationships between mother and child, not girlfriends

Mother and daughter should remain first and foremost parent and child, not friends. Sometimes the mother may feel the need to share her feelings in response. In such cases, we usually talk about discussing the relationship with the father or the man who raised the daughter. At the same time, the daughter has already developed some kind of relationship with this person that influences her life. And she can see him as one person, while her mother sees him as a completely different person. A mother's relationship with her man is not the same as a daughter's relationship with her father or stepfather. Such revelations will always cause a desire to somehow influence these relationships.

The consequence of this will be a confusion of psychological boundaries. It will already be difficult to determine who is right and who is wrong; where the connection between parents and children begins, and where the relationship between adult spouses begins. Such an imbalance causes difficulties, tension, and mistrust. We will talk not just about the difficult relationship with my mother, but also about the general tension of relations in the family. Therefore, it is important for an adult daughter (or son, if we are talking about him) to learn to build their own psychological boundaries. You should not tell your mother in every detail about your relationship with your lover. Likewise, there is no need to discuss with her how the relationship between the parent and her man develops.

Jealousy

Bad relationships between mother and daughter due to jealousy are observed in families where one child is considered a gift from God, and the other is given what is left, as they say. It’s as if such girls put on a dress with an ugly second number and spend their whole lives trying to prove to their mother that they are also worth something, and having received what they tried so hard for, their mother’s precious attention, they don’t know how to enjoy it. Resentment, irritation, and rejection of themselves as individuals had been accumulating inside them for years. The only way out is to ask your mother for forgiveness.

Apologize in time

Over time, conflicts arise between mother and daughter. For example, a mother may say: “I have taken care of you all my life, I have invested a lot of strength in you so that you now have a happy and prosperous life.” She will rightly believe that the time she spent raising the child is lost forever. A parent may regret that she did not live her life. Such a message on a psychological level usually means something like this: “Now you be my mother, support me, save me from myself.”

If a conflict of this kind has become heated, and as a result of it the relationship with your mother has deteriorated, you should not expect who will take the first step. Instead, you should apologize and, if possible, admit the mistakes you made. But only those for which the daughter or son is really to blame. You shouldn't take full responsibility on yourself. An adult daughter should not turn into a mother to her own mother. Also, you should not try to change another person or condemn him for spiritual weakness or lack of willpower. You shouldn't hold a grudge against your mother either. After all, someday she will be gone, and it will be a pity for the lost time.

Sounding the alarm

It so happens that in our latitudes the main type of relationship is codependent: one when a man and a woman cannot function autonomously and each tries to make up for personal deficits at the expense of the other (it does not work on its own). A simple example. A woman finds a male guardian and builds a parent-child relationship. The man assigns the function of being older and knowing better, while he assigns himself the function of a foolish girl. She lives by his interests and gives up her own independence. By choosing more “experienced” partners, she calms her anxiety. And by the way, there is more than enough anxiety.

“You can leave at any moment, and I must hold you with all my might” is the motto of those who are always worried “what if we part.” And this anxiety comes from childhood.

Suppose the mother was inconsistent (either responsive or emotionally distant). The child missed her presence. The mother left whenever the child needed her. The primary feeling of security was formed somehow. As a result, the child, not having sufficient strength to build his own autonomy, “clung” to his mother’s skirt. “My peers mastered many skills, but instead of mastering the slides and playing in a group, I kept looking for my mother. What if she leaves again?” - typical speeches in a psychologist’s office. This is about those who have formed the so-called anxious type of attachment. In childhood, such children are especially drawn to their mother, becoming very worried in her absence.

Growing up, a woman with this type of attachment looks for a partner who can become that “mother” for her: a safe environment where she has what she needs to survive. She projects her expectations onto her partner: “you are the one who will take responsibility for my life.” Those who have formed an anxious type of attachment are obsessive and emotionally unstable. From time to time, “anxious” ones organize strikes, trying to prove their independence to their partner, but anxiety of self-determination and guilt take over, and they again dissolve in their partner (by analogy with childhood, when they either strive for their mother or angrily push her away).

Talk openly about what you are not happy with

One of the main recommendations on how to improve your relationship with your mother. Often, a lack of open communication becomes a common problem in the relationship between mother and adult child. You need to be open about your feelings. If the mother communicates as if with a small child, you should calmly say something like: “Mom, don’t treat me like an unintelligent child. I don't like it and I feel the need to change it."

If you have to deal with requests, demands, invasion of personal boundaries or plans, or if you feel that the mother is manipulating, you must take advantage of the right of every person to express their wishes and be able to say a firm “no” to anyone.

Resentment

She was so capable from early childhood, but then she stopped studying, married a loser, gave birth to a child and sees nothing but four walls. And now I also have a bad relationship with my mother, because she snaps with or without reason or, at best, speaks through her teeth, why is this happening? This picture is observed in a family where the mother combines two qualities at once: self-doubt and ambition. The mother decided to implement her own Napoleonic plans through her daughter, without regard to the child’s preferences. Having matured, the girl declared a rebellion.

Algorithm for constructive dialogue

You shouldn’t wait long for the right opportunity or choose a specific setting or time. You just need to discuss communication problems in an even and calm tone and talk about your observations. To do this without scandals, you will need to develop a small skill. But it is quite possible to do this. Psychologists recommend following this algorithm:

Tell us about your request.
Explain why the current situation is troubling.
Tell us about a solution that is acceptable to you. After that, you just need to watch what happens next.

Often people try to keep their wishes to themselves, as well as the goals of communication that they have. They shy away from dialogue and avoid directness. It creates the misleading impression that open conversation will certainly lead to confrontation.

But the hidden conflict is even more uncontrollable. It will invariably increase. If your relationship with your mother has not worked out, and such a confrontation is already taking place, you should try to calmly talk to each other within the framework of the specified algorithm, expressing your requests and listening to the wishes of the mother. If you can’t build a dialogue, you might need to seek help from a psychologist. In any case, it must be remembered that relationships can only be resolved if they are discussed openly.

The cold ran through

Not everyone is afraid of separation and loneliness. There are those who are commonly called “who have formed an avoidant attachment type.” They appear self-sufficient, cold and distant.

As a child, the child encountered the unavailability of his mother when he needed her. Usually these are women who are disgusted by physical contact with the child, they are not sensitive to their offspring, they are ready to interfere and push away at the same time. The child gradually developed an image of a rejecting and unloving mother. Fearing that he would not find support, the child learned to cope on his own and not show his feelings. And in order to protect himself from his mother, he chose a restrained behavior and denial of all feelings for her.

Typically, “avoidants” are less involved in relationships than their partners. When faced with a problem, they may downplay its importance and deny emotions. They rarely experience anxiety from separation, and even less often they seek real deep closeness and intimacy. Tend to avoid conflicts. If the avoidant feels that the marriage is falling apart at the seams, he would rather end the relationship than clear things up. The second is worse for him. People of a narcissistic type often build relationships according to the type described above. They are proud of their independence. Self-esteem goes up. But their love is like a contract. We learned how to increase our self-esteem.

Features of the relationship between mother and son

Like the relationship between parents and children in general, this family connection also does not always develop smoothly. This often happens because the son is growing up and starting to build his own life. When the question of marriage openly arises, the relationship with the parent may deteriorate completely.

What to do in this case? The son needs to let his mother understand that he is an adult who has the right to build his own life in the way he wishes. This does not mean that you do not need to help your parents or forget about them. You can take care of the mother, but at the same time let her understand that she should not interfere in the personal life of an already adult child. This applies not only to issues of marriage or personal life, but also to any choice of an adult son.

Is it possible to be angry with your parents?

A common feature of many mature people is the conscious suppression of negative emotions towards their parents. This can be called the artificial cultivation of love for people who do not evoke any feelings other than negative ones. This path is a dead end. Resentment and anger are normal reactions to bad actions. There is no point in “squeezing” these feelings - this will only lead to the fact that they will not disappear anywhere. They will hide deep in the soul, and this is a direct path to serious health problems. It is precisely this “hidden” negativity that most often leads to a whole set of psychosomatic pathologies.

Giving forgiveness is difficult. Such grievances literally “grow” into a person’s personality and develop with him. Even if, as it seemed, the final decision was made, our whole nature will begin to resist it. How to work through the problem? Constant work, focus on results, interaction with a psychologist - there is only one strategy. Practice shows that a good technique is letters of grievance as a way to throw out emotional stress.

It's important to really be an adult

Relationships with your mother as an adult should be built on the basis of the highest moral qualities of the individual - acceptance, understanding, and the ability to forgive. It’s bad if an adult still considers himself an offended child whose parents didn’t give him something. No matter how difficult childhood may be, most parents strive to give their child the best they have. Therefore, it is stupid to blame them for any wrongdoing.

It happens that a mother is aware of her mistakes, but does not want to admit them, so as not to lose authority in front of her daughter or son. As a result, this only leads to a dead end. In this case, it is necessary to understand that the mother also has the right to make mistakes. You just need to start seeing her as a role model. After all, this is what parental example is for. It is better to learn from their mistakes than from your own.

What we are silent about: a psychologist tells how to understand that your mother has traumatized you

We are not only mothers and fathers, but also daughters and sons. And when we have our own children, the ghosts of relationships with loved ones - grievances, fears, behavior patterns - make themselves felt. They force us to use familiar parenting scenarios that are not really close to us. We tell our children those phrases that we ourselves hated as children and behave in ways that we would not like at all.

Irina Parfenova is a practicing psychologist with ten years of experience, a gestalt therapist, a specialist in the field of crises and trauma, and an expert in the course “What We Are Silent About With My Mother,” which starts on August 24. The course will talk about how to work through maternal trauma and free yourself from the ghosts of the past.

We asked Irina to explain how to understand if you have maternal trauma and how it affects the life of the parent and children.

What is the “inner mother”?

Our relationship with our mother as children affects our entire adult lives and our relationships with our own children.

Mother is the person with whom we form our first attachment. With her we go through the period of gestation and birth. Her condition during pregnancy, the difficulty of childbirth, her character and style of interaction with the child - all this plays an important role in his subsequent life.

There is such a thing as “inner mother”. This is a set of behavior patterns that we inherit from our relationship with our real mother. We can copy mother's patterns, or we can create new ones in response to mother's behavior.

The way our mother treats us gradually becomes our attitude towards ourselves.

English psychiatrist John Bowlby said: “Each of us is inclined to do to others as we have previously done to him.” Thus, gradually the real mother becomes internal.

The inner mother image can be reliable and supportive, or it can be destructive. Depends on the conditions in which the child developed. Toxic events that happen in early childhood are the source from which the destructive inner mother is born.

Interesting on the topic

“A daughter who needs her mother often sacrifices herself.” What is maternal trauma and how does it occur?

Reliable and destructive "inner mother"

Imagine a child who is just learning to walk and constantly falls. Children whose parents react calmly and console, without focusing on falls, get up, continue on their way and calm down faster. Children who are scolded react more sharply to falls.

In adulthood, this can be observed in situations where a person makes mistakes. The reliable inner mother is upset, but draws conclusions, consoles and leads further (“It’s a shame, but you’re great! You did everything you could. Next time we’ll do it differently”).

The destructive inner mother scolds (“What are you, you bungler! You’re wrong again!”). This affects not only self-esteem, but also the ability to draw conclusions and learn from experience.

Interesting on the topic

What is parental verbal aggression and why do we even resort to it?

If the mother is caring, supportive, protective, helping to believe in oneself and correct one’s actions when necessary, then the person grows up and:

has good self-esteem;

perceives himself and others positively;

builds emotionally close and trusting relationships with other people;

manages his emotions, is able to calm down on his own after experiencing peak experiences;

reacts flexibly and quickly adapts to different life situations;

copes with life's difficulties and problems, including asking for help from other people;

knows what he wants, sets goals, plans his time/life/future.

If the mother constantly criticizes and finds fault, including criticizing the personality itself (“you’re bad”), says that “again nothing will work out, you’re nobody, you can’t do anything normally,” palms off other people’s guidelines, values that are accepted in society, but this particular person does not need it (“that’s how it is”), then the person grows up:

incapable of self-support and positive self-esteem;

seeking satisfaction of their needs in other people;

prone to scolding oneself, devaluing, controlling, blaming;

very demanding of oneself;

with an overly strong voice of the “inner critic”;

with a high risk of developing psychosomatic symptoms and diseases.

Exercise

Check which of the listed qualities you notice in yourself most often? This will help you understand what patterns of behavior you experienced as a child and explain some of your reactions in your relationships with your own children.

Why does a destructive “inner mother” appear?

A woman’s past may be filled with various circumstances that have become an obstacle to her maturity: she may have a difficult relationship with her own parents, she could have been sick a lot in childhood, or experienced the loss of a significant adult.

All situations in which the mother did not have enough resources to cope will continue to affect both her own condition and her relationship with the child.

Interesting on the topic

How to be a good parent if you had a bad childhood

Is it possible to become an ideal mother who will not “spoil” her children?

It is important to understand: no matter how good a mother is, she is a person with her own advantages and disadvantages.

We can't be perfect at everything, but we can be "good enough."

A “good enough mother,” according to British child psychologist Winnicott, is not ideal, but consistent. She hears the child's needs and helps him, thanks to which an emotional connection appears between them. She also has the strength, the internal resource, to withstand the child’s emotions in stressful times.

What is maternal trauma?

How can we tell if we have maternal trauma?

In psychotherapy, maternal trauma is an emotional trauma received in a relationship with the mother, that is, harm caused to the child’s mental health as a result of intense exposure to adverse factors and stress.

Not all negative events lead to injury. A child has a fairly flexible psyche: what would be a tragedy for an adult, a child can survive. In addition, children often do not realize that something abnormal is happening, since they do not yet understand how everything works.

Trauma can occur when a child experiences:

unbearable pain (for example, as a result of physical punishment);

fear (for example, when something threatens his health or the health of his loved ones):

strong emotional experience (divorce of parents, death of a pet, moving to another city).

A traumatic event is often repressed from memory, leaving behind only the consequences.

Trauma can make itself felt in similar situations: a person suddenly experiences inexplicable fear, an extreme degree of rejection of something.

Symptoms of maternal trauma

Reactions out of proportion to events

For example, as an adult, your partner is late at work without warning. Your anxiety level increases, you are unable to think about anything other than this situation, you are scared and physically ill.

A nervous breakdown may occur, accompanied by prolonged bouts of sobbing. And even after everything gets better, you have nightmares or have obsessive fears.

What could be behind this: a traumatic experience of abandonment or rejection. Perhaps in the first years of her life, the mother fell ill and was forced to go to the hospital. The separation was unbearable for the child. Or the mother systematically threatened separation. The fear of losing a mother at an early age is like death for a child, since his life largely depends on his mother.

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Lack of personal relationships

You are not interested in relationships in principle or all your relationships do not go beyond a certain stage. In your head you understand that you want intimacy, since the need remains unsatisfied. And you even try to do everything to make this relationship happen (you register on a dating site, agree to dates), but you unconsciously do everything so that it doesn’t end in anything.

Another possibility is that you prefer a sex-only relationship. This form of relationship satisfies safe needs and excludes those that may bring up trauma from the past.

What may be behind this: experience of emotional, sexualized or physical violence. Not getting into a relationship is the body’s way of protecting itself from the excitement generated by a constant sense of threat.

Apathy, chronic fatigue or very low physical energy. Another option is poor memory, forgetfulness, confusion, inattentiveness

The body spends energy on invisible processes. The person is hypervigilant in order to prevent a repetition of the traumatic experience, and experiences constant background fear, powerlessness, and anxiety.

What could be behind this: A situation where the mother systematically used the child for her own purposes. In this case, a person as an adult can constantly look closely at the actions of other people: are they now trying to manipulate him, use him.

Addiction to alcohol, drugs or medications

With the help of various substances, a person can try to dull the pain, forget, or stabilize his condition.

What could be behind this: a controlling and/or emotionally cold mother, next to whom it is impossible to relax. A person gets used to tension. Or an experience where relaxation was too expensive and the person concluded that relaxation is dangerous.

Since the body has limited resources, the body still requires rest. Alcohol may be the only “safe” way to relax. All unpleasant consequences and responsibility for them can subsequently be attributed to the action of the substance.

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Psychosomatic diseases

When no other cause for physical illness is found, stress and trauma are the most suitable candidates.

“Trauma can leave a person blind, mute or deaf. It can cause paralysis of the legs, arms, or both. It can cause chronic neck and back pain, chronic fatigue syndrome, bronchitis, asthma, gastrointestinal problems, severe premenstrual syndrome, migraines and a host of so-called psychosomatic disorders. Any physical system capable of binding undischarged excitation caused by trauma operates according to clear rules. Blocked energy will use whatever aspect of our physiology is available to it,” says exercise scientist Peter Levine, author of Waking the Tiger, which I highly recommend.

Feelings of separation, alienation and isolation - “living dead”

What could be behind this: strong unbearable feelings. As a result, a person makes an unconscious conclusion that feelings are bad, and tries not to face difficult experiences. However, it is impossible to repress all the negativity and leave only the positive. As a result of this approach, pleasant experiences are also isolated. The result is a feeling of emptiness.

It is important to understand that feelings are signals that indicate something.

Behind every feeling there is some kind of need. If a person stops reading his feelings, he also has no access to his desires. The result is a feeling of dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and meaninglessness.

What situations can trigger injury?

Bethany Webster, author of Finding Your Inner Mother, identifies situations in your relationship with your mother that can lead to trauma:

The mother uses her daughter as a sedative and a container to drain her unprocessed emotions.

The mother is satisfied only when her daughter agrees and does not contradict her views and attitudes. The mother rejects her daughter if she shows independence.

The mother uses her daughter as a narcissistic extension, appropriating all the attention and praise her daughter receives.

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“I’m tired of trying to be a good daughter, worrying, looking for excuses”: an honest monologue about a conflict with my mother

The daughter feels that her mother makes unreasonable demands on her, and spends an inadequate amount of strength and energy, worrying about her mother’s problems and searching for ways to solve them.

The mother feels that she has the right to intervene in and control the main areas of her daughter’s life.

The mother criticizes her daughter out of fear of appearing to be a bad mother and perceives the child's normal expressions of negative emotions as a threat to her control and a sign of her parental failure.

How to help yourself

Working through maternal trauma does not mean blaming the mother for everything. Your mother may have done everything possible for you. Perhaps she had to endure incredible suffering and hardship in life. But your feelings matter too.

The essence of working through maternal trauma is to take personal responsibility for your life. Accept yourself and your qualities without shame and take a healthier path in raising your children.