18 rules that will greatly improve your communication

How to become a good conversationalist - everyone and everyone is talking and writing about this. Dale Carnegie published his famous book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” back in 1936. Think about it, big 80 years have passed since then! Much of it is still relevant today, but there are things that are objectively outdated. In today’s article, we tried to extract from this and several other books (including “How to Talk to Anyone, About Anything” by Leil Lowndes, “Never Eat Alone” by Keith Ferrazzi) on how to effectively... no, that's a strange word

...how to communicate in such a way that both you and your interlocutor feel nice and comfortable.

Rule 1: Be a good listener

It’s trivial, but many people forget about it. People love to talk about themselves, about their plans, about episodes from their lives and about the experiences they have that they are happy to share. In a conversation, you need to know when to be silent, listen, and when to tell something or ask an appropriate question. There are a number of techniques that help you learn to listen:

1) Take notes . When information flashes in a conversation that is difficult to remember (for example, some names, surnames, telephone numbers or addresses of companies), write them down. The interlocutor will be pleased to see that his speech is treated so carefully, and the notes taken may later be useful to you to ask something or move the conversation to another topic. If you record on your phone, then voice it, otherwise the interlocutor may quite rightly think that you are ignoring him.

2) Forget in time that you know everything . Trying to finish the other person’s thought because you know what he will say next, or cutting him off mid-sentence with the exclamation “I got it!” - This is not just a bad idea, but absolutely bad form. The person will feel bad about you interrupting them, and you will find yourself in an awkward position if you missed the ending.

3) Don’t be shy to show your knowledge . Everything should be in moderation, so while you try hard to turn off the know-it-all, don’t forget that you also have something to say and share. If you generally understand the essence, do not hesitate to say (trying not to interrupt ) “Yeah, I understand,” but after that you can ask clarifying questions in order to finally clarify for yourself the picture of everything that was said. It’s better to ask again than to end up with an incorrect perception of the interlocutor’s words or even a mess in your head from what you heard.

4) Hasty answers to questions are bad . Answers like these, which are blurted out before the question has even been fully formulated or just voiced, give the impression that you are not thinking about your words. Take a breath and then answer. This way you will look more confident, and it will seem to your interlocutor that you have had time to think about his question and weigh your words.

5) Be careful with paraphrases . A paraphrase is a repetition of some part of what your interlocutor said. This is a good technique, but it must be used with extreme caution. You should not repeat word for word what your interlocutor just said. You can, for example, pronounce some part of the last sentence with a questioning intonation (preferably, paraphrase a little) in order to push the person to explain it in more detail. This will not only be an indication that you are an attentive listener, but this way you will also be able to unobtrusively clarify points that you do not understand.

Listen!

Office etiquette rules

Wash your dishes after lunch. Wash immediately. It's better to throw out your lunchbox altogether than to leave it dirty in the sink.
Keep your shoes on. Change your shoes in places designated for this purpose. Well, or at least far enough away from other people’s tables. And you can put your feet on the table only if you are the last one to leave and there is no one else nearby.
Before you run to the IT department, restart your computer.
Don't touch other people's yogurt. And someone else's apple. You also need permission to take cookies.
In the morning, the boss needs to say “Hello”, not “Great, dude!”, unless, of course, the boss himself says so.
If you and a coworker find yourself in adjacent bathroom stalls and you finish early, you don't have to wait until he finishes to go back to the office together.
When there are only three packs of stickers left in a box of stationery, don’t take everything for yourself; it’s better to put two on your colleagues’ desks. A little care in the office.
The desktop should look like a neatly trimmed lawn, and not like an impassable thicket.
We went to the cooler, filled a glass, and walked away from the cooler. There is no need to stand in front of it and communicate with colleagues. If you really want to talk, at least take a couple of steps to the side and clear the way to the water for others.
Don't burp at the table unless all your colleagues are wearing headphones.
Label lunchboxes and disposable food boxes. You don’t have to use your name, you can also use your nickname. For example, “The Tsar, just the Tsar.” This definitely won't be thrown away.
Say hello to everyone, even if you work in different parts of the office and have no idea what your co-workers' names are.
There is time at meetings for questions. Then ask them, don’t interrupt the speakers.
No need to make decorations from paper clips.
When coming to work, switch your phone to vibrate and do not leave the device turned on on the table (in your bag).
A handshake is optional, but accepted in the business community.
The correspondence is completed by the one who started it, i.e. the last letter should come from the one who wrote first.
There is a rule in telephone conversations: if you call your boss, he is the first to hang up.
There is no need to eat food with strong odors in the office ; with all your love for herring, sauerkraut, garlic and cutlets, try to do without them at work.
If you only drink tea and coffee at work, do not place the cup on your documents, as a mark may remain on the paper that will clearly not be in your favor.
You, of course, have the right to drink various drinks throughout the day, but the mug should look neat - there should be no repeatedly brewed tea bags, lipstick marks on the outside and the like.
Well-mannered people do not wear outerwear to their workplace, do not hang it on the back of a chair, and, moreover, do not place it on the table. There is a wardrobe for this. The only exception is when you pop into the office for literally 5-10 minutes and then leave again somewhere. This option is permissible.

Rule 2: Don't interrupt!

Continuing the topic. People are very annoyed when their speech is interrupted by all sorts of “but I...”, “and my... Let the person finish their thought and then speak yourself. If the other person talks for a long time and you are afraid of forgetting what you wanted to say, use the previous tip and write yourself a note with a reminder and the key point of your question. Interrupting turns you, in the eyes of others, into a rude and ill-mannered person with whom they will find it unpleasant to communicate. You should not form such an impression of yourself if you are interested in productive (pleasant ) communication.

Breakfast table setting diagram and basic rules

Discussion: 5 comments

Philosopher:
20.11.2019 at 12:27
It can be quite difficult to restrain yourself and observe the rules of decency in crowded places. At concerts, in transport, at various rallies, the audience is quite diverse and there is a great temptation to respond to boorish people in their language. But you must try not to please them and not stoop to their level. You always need to maintain clarity of mind and be able to culturally, but boldly and with humor, put a rude person in his place. Good rules of decency in the article, it would not be superfluous to repeat, thank you for your work.
Answer
Igor:
20.11.2019 at 19:37
I liked it, it will be useful for many. Thank you
Answer
Valeria:
11/22/2019 at 11:56 pm
Very interesting article. She revealed all the questions I have ever faced in terms of etiquette and behavior in public places. Thanks to the author. In our everyday world there are so few well-mannered and intelligent people.
Answer
Vilkov Nikolay:
Read also: Social qualities of people: concept, types, mechanisms of formation
11/23/2019 at 00:24
Valeria, thank you for your kind words! It's always nice to communicate with a well-mannered person. Positive emotions and positivity rule the world and help you win!
Answer

Alexander:

12/17/2019 at 17:49

Very good rules. I always try to behave correctly. But some people often neglect them, which makes the people around them feel not very comfortable.

Answer

Rule 4: Eyes are an important tool and argument for communication

A person who constantly looks away during a conversation gives the impression of being insecure, “slippery” and cunning. But this does not mean that you need to stare into the eyes of your interlocutor and not look away - such visual “pressure” can cause a not very pleasant reaction: they will be afraid of you, begin to feel insecure and become withdrawn. It's best to stick to a compromise: look each person you're communicating with in the eyes from time to time, and then switch your gaze to the other person or space. If you are communicating one-on-one, then a ratio of 80 to 20 would be quite appropriate (80% of the time, of course, we look into the eyes). If it’s hard to look into the eyes, look at the bridge of the person’s nose (between his eyes), it will seem to him that you are looking into his eyes, and it will be easier for you.

Books

Competent communication is now at a premium. Already from school, children absorb applications on smartphones faster than communication skills, or even basic expression of their thoughts. Therefore, in our technological age, it is important not to forget to read books. Use a selection of useful books:

Mark Goulston “I can hear right through you. Effective negotiation technique.”
Philip Zimbardo “How to overcome shyness.”
Jack Schafer “We turn on the charm according to the methods of the secret services.”
James Borg “Secrets of Communication. The magic of words."
Dale Carnegie “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
Robert Cialdini “Psychology of influence”.
Larry King: How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere.

Rule 5: Include others in the conversation

If you see that someone might be interested in a topic of discussion, invite them to join the discussion or share useful information. This way you will not only help others, but also show yourself as an active, open and sociable person. But just remember that since you invited this person, then you must arrange for him to meet the others, otherwise the presence of a nameless interlocutor will turn out to be a rather awkward circumstance for everyone. The one you just invited to the discussion will feel especially embarrassed. When introducing people to each other, do it beautifully - mention some dignity of the person. For example: – This is Misha, my old friend and a person who knows absolutely all programming languages! – And this is Alena, even though we just met her, I already know that she has her own design studio.

FAQ

What is meant by modern etiquette?

Modern etiquette refers to the current rules of behavior established by society.

Are etiquette rules mandatory to follow?

No, following the requirements of etiquette is absolutely voluntary.

How should you respond to other people's violation of etiquette?

Lack of emphasis on violations of etiquette by third parties is another rule of conduct. As a last resort, a correct remark is allowed if we are talking about a serious offense that affects other people.

How are rules of behavior most often grouped or classified?

Typically, three criteria are used for this: type of activity, place of residence and status of the person.

Rule 6: Tell stories or instructive parables

This is necessary in order to convey your thoughts, draw conclusions, or lead your interlocutor to some thoughts. Many experienced networkers do this. You give the impression of a person with extensive knowledge and experience, moreover, in this way you can emphasize some idea expressed or even slightly embellish the facts. This is called storytelling. And human attention is designed in such a way that it remembers such interesting stories and accompanying information well. It is only very important that the parable or myth be told to the place and topic of conversation! If you have trouble remembering interesting episodes from your life or such stories, then train yourself to write them down somewhere and then re-read them . This way you will also train your memory.

Rule 7: Make jokes and make people smile!

Positive emotional connotations of the details of a conversation also allow people to better remember and perceive them. If you have a good sense of humor, then others will definitely like it and want to communicate with you as often as possible. Learn witty improvisation, appropriate jokes and creating an informal atmosphere around you. It is difficult to learn this, but it is possible. Most importantly, do not be afraid to joke even in the company of strict and business-like people, because often they are not always like this, but take on this appearance during business communication and responsible negotiations. In fact, they may turn out to be jokers and wits, and it will be much easier and more pleasant to establish contact with such people.

Rule 8: Weakness is also good

Don't be afraid to show that you don't know something or are struggling with something. Politely and unobtrusively ask people for help - they will like it, because many people have a “patron” living inside them who likes to look after others and help them. In addition, if you dare to let people know about your vulnerability (for example, that you are confused in endless corridors and cannot find a conference room), then it will be easier for them to open up to you too. Just don’t overdo it and turn into a helpless “lost” in their eyes.

Don't get lost

Rule 9: Expand your range of interests and knowledge

You can have an excellent understanding of physics or shipbuilding, masterfully maintain a conversation on these topics, but sit in a puddle as soon as the conversation turns to a just-published novel by a famous writer or about cars. You don't have to become an expert in all of these areas, and you won't be able to, but you should have some understanding of them. This will not only help you establish communication with different people, but will also open up a whole world of interesting things, concepts and hobbies for you. The easiest way is to read newspapers, choose one and look through it every day in the morning. Instead of newspapers there may be a website. Vedomosti, Kommersant, RBC, choose to your taste.

An example of communication psychology from the school curriculum

Read the tips below, which ones will you use when communicating with friends?

Be friendly and friendly.
Live in peace with each other.
Conquer evil with good.
Do good and do not be afraid of anyone.
Speak boldly about a good deed.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
Win hearts with love, not fear.
Don't be afraid of the knife, but of the tongue.
Think, think about it, and say it.
Be patient with everyone for a long time.

Question:
Determine the type of sentences based on the purpose of the statement. Why are sentences of this type used here?

Answer:

Sentences No. 1, 2, 6, 9, 10 are motivating, they teach and advise.

Rule 10: Watch your interlocutor's emotions

Yes, it’s difficult, but it’s time to start learning. Watch a person’s gestures, facial expressions, what he does with his hands during a conversation (twirls a pen in them, fiddles with a tie, calmly puts them on the table), his eyes and the way he's sitting. Be a psychologist, learn to analyze these little things in order to correctly build your line of behavior. If you see that a person is worried, ask him about it unobtrusively and let him know that you are ready to help him. Just behave very delicately and carefully, people usually don’t really like being “read”.

Rule 13: Leave out the abstruse phrases

There is nothing strange in the desire to show off your intellect by adding a bunch of smart words and phrases to the conversation, but such communication is more appropriate at an interview or at important negotiations, where it is very important for you to show your expertise. When meeting someone, it is better to forget about the know-it-all and speak more simply. This way, the interlocutor will not have to strain frantically to grasp the meaning of what was said and pretend that he understood everything from your professional terminology. Show him respect and, if you want fruitful communication and mutual understanding, replace complex and confusing concepts with simpler and more understandable synonyms.

Rule 14: Don't get lost in thought

People who constantly maintain business contacts and communication are accustomed to analyzing a large flow of information and choosing the main thing from it, discarding the “husk.” Don't tire them out and reduce the amount of this "husk" to a minimum. If you do this, then those around you will be sure that you are a serious and purposeful person who values your time and the time of others. Attempts to approach the key issue from afar and utter a bunch of unnecessary information will reveal your uncertainty, shyness, incompetence and will tire your interlocutor. Leave flowery phrases, complex sentences and constructions. It’s better to say “Could you do that” than “I think that in this situation you should think about such and such action.”

Rule 15: Address people by name

People like it when people around them do not address them as “You”, but call them by name . The sound of your own name often has a very beneficial effect on a person, helping to win him over. In addition, it has long been noticed that if five in a conversation, this slightly increases the chances of successful negotiations with him. This is especially useful if you have a poor memory for names: repeating the name will make it easier for you to remember it. Just be careful! It is best to use the name in the form in which the interlocutor himself told you it. That is, there is no need to call “Alexander Alexandrovich” “Sanya” - this will only cause bewilderment and negative emotions. If you are not sure how to address someone correctly, it is better to clarify this point with your interlocutor. This way you will avoid awkward situations in the future.

Contact by name!

The ABCs of Politeness

When meeting, they introduce: a man to a woman, those younger in age and position to the elders, those who came later to those already present. In this case, the person you introduce the stranger to is mentioned first, and the person you introduce is mentioned second. “Anna, meet me - this is Konstantin,” “Sergey Ivanovich, this is Marina.”
When introducing people, it is appropriate to give brief “information” about them: “This is my friend Nikita, he is a surgeon,” “This is my institute friend Natalya.” This way you will make it clear what kind of relationship you have with each of your interlocutors, and provide them with a topic for conversation in your absence: “...So, you are a doctor?”
The first to greet: men are women, those younger in age and position are older.
But whoever you are - a director, an academician, an elderly woman or a schoolboy - when entering the room, say hello first.
When two married couples meet, the women greet each other first, then the men greet the ladies, then the men greet each other.
person to shake hands is the person to whom the stranger was introduced, that is, the woman to the man, the elder to the younger, and so on. According to the rules of business etiquette, the leader is always the first to offer his hand. Even if the subordinate is a woman.
If you are given a hand to shake and you are sitting, stand up.
Before shaking hands, the man takes off his glove. A woman does not have to do this.
Do not smoke while shaking hands. If you can't throw away your cigarette, apologize for it.
If your hands are busy with something, a handshake is inappropriate. Greet people with heavy bags or a baby in their arms with a smile and a nod to avoid awkwardness and fuss.
in the restroom .
Only married women kiss their hand as a sign of greeting and only indoors. It is not customary to kiss women's hands at business meetings and official events.
When kissing a woman's hand, lean in rather than pull your hand up towards you.
If you are walking with someone and your companion says hello to a stranger, you should say hello too.
On the street, a man should walk to the left of a woman. Only military personnel can walk on the right and must be ready to perform a military salute.
When going down the stairs, a man walks one or two steps ahead of a woman, and when going up, he walks one or two steps behind.
No matter who you are, always hold the door for those following you.
Never turn around when someone calls you “Hey, you!”
Never point your finger at a person.
When talking with someone you don’t know well, you shouldn’t touch on personal topics: “How much do you earn?”, “I heard your wife is sick?”, “Do you believe in God?” Good topics for casual conversation: sports, weather, cooking, pets, art, science, travel and the like.
In an effort to show off your erudition, do not overdo it. Phrases like “I’ve known this for a long time,” “We found something to surprise you with,” and the like will only alienate your interlocutor.

Rule 16: Don't impose your values

Each person has something that is important to him, and if you want to establish communication that will be pleasant for the interlocutor, talk about his values. Think about what is important to him and how you can help him, who to introduce him to, what to do, where to send him. Show and show him your concern . This behavior will quickly endear you to the person, and in return he will most likely want to be useful and help you. The feeling of gratitude is a strong thing, it motivates actions very well (read the book “The Psychology of Influence ” by Robert Cialdini). A well-built line of communication will allow you to turn to a new friend for help in the future. Provide support to your interlocutor, if necessary, show participation. If you want to ruin communication , then get hung up and focus on your values, reduce the entire conversation to them. Well, why not? You want to achieve something from a new acquaintance! It’s a really bad idea to express all your requests right away. This way you will scare off your interlocutor, and he is unlikely to have a desire to maintain further contact.

Rules of behavior when visiting and at celebrations

Never come to visit without calling. And if you are visited without warning, you can afford to wear a robe and curlers.
Respond to an invitation to visit with the question “Who else will be there?” impolite.
When receiving guests, don’t make excuses: “I have a bit of a mess here, the kids are always throwing everything around,” “We’re renovating, so there are boxes everywhere.” By letting a person into your home, you show him your trust. Your guest should respect this and accept your home for what it is.
When guests arrive, you should turn off the TV and step away from the computer.
When receiving guests or while visiting, it is rude to talk on the phone for more than 2–5 minutes.
When presenting the hostess with a bouquet of flowers, use the rule: odd to a dozen. If there are more than 12 flowers, the count goes to half a dozen - the number must be divisible by six. 13 flowers are not a gift.
Young girls should not be given flowers of dark shades. The ideal option in this case is a snow-white bouquet with unopened buds. It is better not to give older women flowers that quickly fade. Why remind us that youth is fading?
If someone comes to you for the first time, first show the guest where they can wash their hands and clean themselves up, and then invite them into the living room.
When should you start eating? If there are fewer than eight people at the table, focus on the host (hostess). When he sat down and took a napkin, you can start eating.
The hostess should not run to the kitchen all the time - treats should be taken care of in advance. Washing dishes can wait too.
You cannot be late for a dinner or dinner party. If this happens, you need to call and warn the owners that you will be delayed. It is permissible to arrive at the buffet later than the appointed hour and leave before the end of the event.
If champagne or other cold drinks are served at the buffet table, then at the beginning of the event, when everyone greets each other, you should hold the glass in your left hand. A glass can make your palm cold and damp, which is undesirable when shaking hands.
If during a buffet you are talking with a lady, and the waiters are serving an aperitif, first ask what she prefers, and then choose a drink for yourself.
Buffets or cocktail parties are held primarily for communication. It's not nice to stand near the snack table and eat all the time.
At formal receptions, men usually listen to toasts while standing. Women don't have to stand up.
If you leave a reception before the rest of the guests, say goodbye only to the hosts of the meeting. Otherwise, your departure may serve as a signal to party participants that it’s time for everyone to go home.

Rule 17: Agree

Saying “no” is a valuable and useful skill, but when meeting new people, it is better to agree to a person’s requests if you are able to fulfill them. If not, then you can say so, but add that among your acquaintances there are probably people who can help him, and that you could introduce him to them. This behavior will show that you are friendly and sincerely want to be helpful, and besides, it is unlikely that when you first meet you you will be asked to do something large-scale or difficult to accomplish. In the future, look at the circumstances whether you want to say “yes” to this person or whether you shouldn’t do it. But at the very beginning it is better to use this magic word as often as possible. People obviously won't expect this from a new acquaintance, so you will pleasantly surprise them.

Rules of conduct in the theater, at a concert and in other public places

Laughing loudly, communicating noisily, staring and discussing people in a public place is offensive.
Always turn on silent mode or turn off your phone completely in the theater, library, cinema, lecture, and so on.
It is permissible to use a telephone on the sidelines. But if you need to make or receive a call, move two or three meters to the side so as not to disturb the conversation of your friends.
Smoking in the presence of non-smokers should only be done with their permission.
A man never carries a woman's bag.
A woman may wear her hat and gloves indoors, but not her cap and mittens.
At the mirror in the wardrobe you can examine your appearance and slightly correct your hairstyle. But combing your hair, putting on lipstick, pulling up your trousers or stockings is only allowed in the toilet.
Go to your seats in the hall facing those already seated. The man goes first.
If two couples are seated in the auditorium, the women sit in the center, the men on both sides. Women sit in the box in front, men behind them.
In the auditorium you should not sit with your heads bowed to each other. Even if you are in love.
Leave kisses, hugs and other tenderness for later. Do not force people sitting next to you to watch two performances at once - on stage and in the hall.
At the exhibition, do not try to touch the exhibits with your hands, unless specifically permitted.
Do not try to take photos secretly where it is prohibited by the rules.

Rule 18: You are responsible for your recommendations

Surely there are people in your “arsenal” who can help your new friend, and you can’t wait to introduce him to them (probably ). On the one hand, this is wonderful, but on the other hand, think about it. By recommending someone, you automatically take responsibility for this, and if the person turns out to be insufficiently reliable or does his job poorly, then you will also be to blame (a minus to your reputation). Don’t be afraid to talk about it, saying that you can introduce the right person, but have not yet had the opportunity to directly observe him in action and cannot judge how flawlessly he does his job. You will help a friend, bring together two people whose cooperation in the future can bring good results, and at the same time insure yourself from reproachful glances and reproaches in case of failure.

Maxim Chernov

PS. BONUS for the interview: Find out how to make, maintain and monetize useful contacts in the free video course on business communication here .

Rules of conduct in transport

When getting into a taxi, greet the driver first. The rule does not apply to collective transport (buses, trams, etc.).
Places are given way: men to women, younger ones to older ones. A woman in transport does not give up her seat to a man, even if he is much older than her.
Never take special seats on public transport unless you have a disability or are pregnant.
Watch your seat and leg position. By reclining the backrest and stretching your legs forward, you will ride comfortably. But not your neighbors.
Try not to talk on your mobile phone in transport. It is unlikely that your fellow travelers are interested in the details of your personal life. Perhaps they want to take a nap or are reading an interesting book. If someone needs to be told something urgently, write an SMS.
When flying or traveling with children, keep an eye on them. Don't let them make noise, run around the cabin (car) and pester others.
If you notice your friend in a subway car or bus during rush hour, simply greet him with a nod and a smile. There is no point in making your way through the crowd, causing inconvenience to other passengers, in order to “ride together.”
A man gets off public transport first to help his companion get out and take out her luggage.