Quarrels with your husband: how to behave, how to make peace and improve relationships

Is your nervous system already exhausted to the limit by quarrels with your husband? Is there a crisis in a relationship that has no end in sight? In fact, most likely, everything is not as bad as it seems to you, and the way out lies on the surface, but you don’t notice it. Psychologists recommend reconsidering your position on family conflicts and putting an end to unnecessary wars. And don’t be afraid to take the initiative into your own hands, because a wise woman understands that only she is able to save a marriage and make it happy.

Destroying stereotypes

First, honestly answer the question: do you want to save this marriage? Do you love this man? Your answer should not be affected by the number of years you have lived together or the presence of children. Only your desire matters. If not, you shouldn’t even make efforts, which will still end up in vain. If yes, you will have to work hard to regain lost happiness.

Secondly, reconsider your own attitude towards quarrels. Listen to the opinion of psychologists who say that periodic conflicts in the family are an opportunity to let off steam. If a husband and wife keep everything to themselves, this will lead to divorce even faster than regular scandals. Just realize their necessity.

Thirdly, learn to benefit from any quarrel, no matter how large or insignificant it may be. Another scandal with her husband can turn out to be a wise wife:

auto-training on the topic “Can I control myself?”;
the opportunity to improve yourself: yeah, he said that you have neglected yourself - which means it’s time to act and prove to him and to yourself that you are still a beauty;
the return of romance to relationships;
a chance to get her husband talking, who, in the heat of a scandal, can finally express what he is constantly silent about.

And one last thing. Even if you and your husband have constant quarrels (almost every day), don’t even think that this is the end of your marriage. This may indicate a crisis in relationships, problems at work, or even hormonal imbalance. Frequent conflicts are not always dictated by the fact that love has left and the time has come to part. The real reasons may lie elsewhere. Just learn to see them.

So, dear women, if a quarrel with your husband cannot be avoided, learn to make the most of it. After this, surviving scandals will become much easier. And this is already a big step towards their complete elimination.

Desire to be a family

All families have difficult periods, but both partners must have the desire to overcome difficulties. Some people believe that if they don’t see eye to eye, then they should just look for a couple elsewhere - and that’s how the relationship falls apart. However, I believe that you can always find a way out if both people want it.

There was a time when I took care of small children, and my husband worked constantly. Interests diverged and problems began. I felt that we were separating from each other: I was cuckooing at home, and he continued to live a full life, build a career, meet different people.

When my husband and I started living together, we had mutual complaints against each other: he believed that I devoted little time to him, and I was worried that he did not help me enough around the house. We argued about this until we agreed. We decided that he would help me with cooking and cleaning, and thanks to this I would have free time so that we could watch some program together or discuss what happened that day. We both felt that we wanted to be together despite the emotions that were raging inside.

If you are a family, you need to agree on how to maintain the union and move on with your life.

If you've just started dating and feel like your eyes aren't sparkling, maybe you shouldn't try to revive something that's not there. But if you have been together for a long time and are confident in your feelings, breaking up is the easiest, but not always successful option. We were on the verge of a break: we thought that it would be easier to separate. But now I feel especially satisfied and happy that we overcame everything and were able to save the family.

Features of male psychology

If you and your husband have too frequent quarrels, think about whether you understand men at all. Or do you, having lived in marriage for so long, still think that they are exactly the same as women? Perhaps the reason for the constant scandals is that you have no idea what motivates his actions and what he expects from you. Once you comprehend the secrets of his psychology, many things will fall into place, and the need for conflicts will disappear. Here are its features:

men are straightforward and work to achieve one specific goal;
they are guided by actions, not words;
they don't take hints;
they don't pay attention to little things;
they don't like to be bossed around;
in fact, they are not dry and callous, they just cannot be shown that they also experience and suffer;
they must somehow throw out accumulated emotions, and the best means for this is a hobby (car, fishing, hunting, guitar, hiking, gym);
they love to be praised and need to feel important;
they love honesty.

A striking example of women’s misunderstanding of male psychology: he does not call during the day, and a detailed picture of infidelity is already being drawn in his wife’s imagination. In fact, he is simply busy at work and cannot keep several tasks in his head at once.

Confidence

It is impossible to create a strong family if you do not trust each other. I never caused scandals if my husband was going to a corporate event, fishing or football. To forbid him anything would simply be dishonest on my part - even at the time when we had children.

I, too, could always say that I wanted to relax with my friends, dance and have fun. There were no major obstacles on his part. He could say, “Be careful. If you’re going to be delayed, write and call,” but no proceedings.

When people talk about trust, phones are often mentioned. They came into our lives when we were still young, and at first I could take my husband’s gadget and open contacts. However, I quickly realized that snooping through someone else’s phone is stupid. Why look for some incriminating evidence and beat yourself up over every unfamiliar name? My husband works and has many clients, including women. But I trust him, so studying the phone and being jealous is simply pointless.

Jealousy can only be a spice in a relationship if you both can handle it with humor.

For example, your partner caught his eye on a girl passing by, you made a joke about it - and laughed together. If you feel that jealousy causes discomfort and gnaws from the inside, then first evaluate what exactly causes it. Perhaps your partner is unconsciously giving rise to worries, and you can delicately ask him not to do so.

However, often jealousy is groundless - just fantasies that have nothing to do with the intentions of a loved one. In this case, you only need to fight with yourself and your consciousness.

Possible reasons

Ask yourself a question: why did I quarrel with my husband again? Write down the reasons and gradually try to find a compromise. The most provocative factors:

Inattention on his part (most often contrived by the wife herself).
Life It often makes you quarrel every day, because there is no escape from it: the faucet must be repaired, the garbage must be taken out, the rent must be paid, the children must be raised.
Lack of money, housing problems.
Incompatibility of characters, social positions, intimate needs.
Jealousy, betrayal, flirting on the side.
Your/his parents.
Career, hobbies, friends - everything that supposedly comes first for him.
Issues of raising children. Frequent quarrels arise after the birth of a child, when a young mother feels that her husband is not helping her at all, and he, tired after work and sleepless nights, feels unneeded.
Religious, political views and beliefs.

These are just the most common reasons. Sometimes a quarrel between a husband and wife can break out over some little things literally out of nowhere: he fell asleep early, forgot to wish his mother-in-law a happy birthday, didn’t buy potatoes. All these problems can be solved and are not worth your nerves.

It is much more difficult when the conflict is based on more serious problems: if he is addicted to drugs or alcohol, loses money in a casino, gets involved with crime, constantly lies, and does not spend the night at home. In such cases, you need to seek help from professional psychologists as soon as possible, who can save the marriage.

What to do if life overwhelms love

Often marital relationships become boring due to monotony. But you can regularly pour a fresh stream into them and you should start only with yourself. Wives need to remember how attractive and feminine they are. They should take care of themselves regularly and dress up more often.

Relationships with your spouse cannot be left without regular surprises, flirting, and dates. If you do all this, the forgotten feeling of falling in love will flare up again. Another good option is to try new things in the sexual sphere. Get rid of complexes and self-doubt! Do not take your intimate life too seriously, because it is necessary for pleasure.

Useful tips

How to behave during a quarrel with your husband:

Listen to him, and don't just talk to him.
Don't blame or make excuses, but don't remain silent either. Just state the facts.
Don't bring up the past.
Do not Cry. Men do not tolerate high frequency sounds well.
Don't insult, don't talk about divorce.
Don't give up. If there is a blow in response, know: it was you who provoked it.
Do not break dishes or throw things around the room.
Express your thoughts using “I-message”. Not “You came home late again,” but: “I worry when you’re gone for a long time.”

How to stop a quarrel and calm down:

Go to different rooms. An excellent option on how to avoid a quarrel if it has not yet flared up, and how to stop it.
Do yoga, breathing exercises, exercise on a simulator.
Take a walk.
Drink a glass of water.
Hug and kiss your husband.
Ask for forgiveness if you are at fault.
Say a safe word (the spouses agree on it in advance).

It is important to immediately decide how to behave after a quarrel. Under no circumstances should you immediately cry, beg him for forgiveness on your knees, hang yourself on your neck, even if you are to blame. First, both need to cool down, and only after that go for reconciliation.

And most importantly, a wise wife, even after quarreling with her husband, will never deny him intimacy, will not kick him out of the shared bedroom, or will not make him a separate bed in another room. This means a lot for men, and to resolve the conflict, it is often enough for spouses to sleep in the same bed.

How to make quarrels less frequent:

Learn to manage your anger. Don't allow yourself to raise your voice or insult.
Learn to listen to your husband. Let him talk it out in the evenings after work.
Put yourself in his place to quickly understand the motives of his actions.
Discuss controversial issues in advance: who takes out the trash when, walks the dog, who earns how much.
Do not consult with anyone regarding conflict situations that arise (except psychologists).
Respect your husband. Find merit in it. Fall in love with him again.
Do what you promise.

If you follow these rules, quarrels will arise much less frequently.

The biggest mistakes in conflicts

Pressure on the partner's painful points. Sucker Punch. This is humiliation, a decrease in his self-esteem. Leads to almost instant destruction of the family.

You are like your mother, the same...
You can’t do anything, you can’t do anything, you’re not capable. Devaluation of a person.
I heard you, we’ll talk later, I’m busy right now, we’ll see. You don’t allow me to express my opinion, you interrupt me, you make fun of me.
Demonstrative and complete disagreement with the partner’s opinion. This means you are not on his side, but with others - this is insulting.

Test: Should I get a divorce or not?

Find out with this test whether you need to get a divorce or whether it is still forming and will become the same as before or even better. Time is Up!

Time's up

How to make peace

There are different options for how to make peace with your husband after a strong quarrel. Which one you choose will depend on your character and family relationships. Some will cook any cutlets for dinner, while others find it easier to put on seductive underwear and bury the hatchet in bed. However, much will depend on who is to blame for the conflict.

“If it’s my fault, then I...”:

... I’ll invite him on a romantic date to our favorite cafe;
… I’ll cook him a delicious dinner;
...I will give him a gift;
... I will write an SMS/email/note where I confess my love to him and ask him not to be angry with me;
… I’ll buy new lace lingerie and seduce him like I did many years ago;
... I sincerely ask him for forgiveness!

“If he is to blame, then I...”:

... I’ll give him time to think, I’ll pause;
... I’ll pretend that nothing happened;
… I’ll try to improve the relationship with a harmless joke;
... I will pretend to be helpless and ask him to do something that requires male strength;
... I’ll talk seriously with him about what I don’t like;
... I’ll try to forgive him!

To improve relations with your husband after a quarrel, it is enough to try some new methods of reconciliation every time. If you constantly call him after scandals for a serious conversation, eventually the method will stop working. Be more diverse.

Support and mutual assistance

After school, I wanted to study to become a psychologist, but the universities in my city did not offer this specialty. I entered the Institute of Culture, but the desire to get a psychological education did not disappear. My husband knew about this and, when the children became independent, he gave me education at a suitable university.

I am very grateful that my husband supported me and helped me learn a new specialty, although at that time I was 33 years old and we already had children. From time to time it was not possible to send them to their grandmother, because relatives live in other cities, so my husband helped around the house to make it easier for me to study. This is where support and mutual assistance are expressed, which I really appreciate.

Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker

The ability to talk even about unpleasant things

When young people begin to build relationships, they really want to please each other and do not always express dissatisfaction. As a rule, true desires and preferences begin to be shared after the wedding. Here the couple is overtaken by showdowns and problems. I, too, was sometimes silent, because it seemed to me that there was no need to tell my partner unpleasant things. But now I understand that this is a mistake: discontent accumulates and spills out. You can't be silent in a family.

Harboring grievances and complaints is setting off a time bomb. Imagine that a guy likes chubby girls, but his partner is unhappy with herself. He makes cute jokes like “My little teddy, donut, you have folds here, a tummy,” and to her these words seem like real insults that undermine self-confidence. At first she is silent, and then in an aggressive form expresses that he considers her fat and ugly. The woman is offended, but the man does not understand what happened: everything was fine before. Such little things can lead to serious consequences - from quarrels to separation.

Respect your desires and the needs of your partner

If you choose bed linen, you can give in to your partner. But when it comes to global decisions, listen to yourself, because they can affect the rest of your life. If the children have grown up and a woman wants to work, then she cannot hide this desire behind the baseboard and try to be an exemplary housewife because her husband likes it that way. This will not help you save your family and self-confidence.

The same is true for men. If it is important for you to play basketball, then devote time to it and do not push training into the background because your girlfriend or wife considers sports a useless activity. Otherwise, you will feel dissatisfaction, which will spill over into the family.

When one of the partners is unhappy, it affects both.

Personal space

Over the years, people have become annoying to each other. If from time to time you or your partner want to spend time separately, this is normal. Step away for a while and do your own thing: watch a TV series alone, go shopping, or just spend the evening in different rooms.

You shouldn’t cling to your partner and walk around hugging every minute. Giving each other the right to personal space and time is very important for a long-term harmonious relationship.

Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker

Taboo on insults

We don’t know how to quarrel calmly - only with screams and worries. I’ve heard about various practices like “Move away from your partner, calm down, and then discuss,” but let’s be honest: in real life, emotions overwhelm and it’s difficult to stop. However, no matter what feelings we experience, in our family there is a taboo against humiliation and insults.

You can sort things out as much as you like, but you cannot deprive your partner of human dignity.

We never agreed on this, we just both have an understanding that we cannot cross a certain line. Each family has its own: for some, the offensive word is “fool,” while others only communicate with obscenities. But you shouldn’t put pressure on pain points and say phrases that will definitely hurt. Relationships may crack, and it will no longer be possible to achieve the previous level of trust.

The ability to take responsibility for what you do

It is impossible to say with complete confidence that you will never commit unworthy acts and will be faithful to only one partner for the rest of your life. Anything can happen in family life - don’t promise it. The main thing is not to shift responsibility for what you have done to others.

If you were unfaithful and regret it, then, in my opinion, you should independently cope with all the resulting negative emotions, feelings of shame and thoughts gnawing from within. Saying “I’ve done a lot of things, but I’m really worried and want to be honest with you” is not an option. To be honest in this case is to experience the situation yourself and protect your partner from worries.

Understand yourself and find out what prompted you to cheat, and then do everything to never let something like this happen again. The desire to be together will conquer everything. But only on condition that it is sincere and you are truly sorry.

The choice is yours