Parting with a partner is one of the most difficult emotions for the female psyche. Its influence on a person depends on the duration and nature of the development of the relationship, individual characteristics of perception, the circumstances of the experience with the chosen one, the reasons for separation or the complexity of the relationship itself.
This is an experience that not only gives a one-time effect, but can also affect a much longer period of personal life. It is not surprising that many people wonder not so much about how to survive a separation or divorce, but about how to start living again after a separation or divorce.
What does life look like after a breakup with a loved one, a divorce from your husband, what factors negatively affect its quality, and what opportunities does it open for people? Read about this and more below.
The main fears of women after a breakup
A woman's life changes dramatically after a breakup. Of course, it may have its advantages, but these are always internal barriers that prevent you from moving on.
Especially when a man leaves, various negative aspects come to the fore, making life unbearable:
A girl, if she broke up with her boyfriend, is overwhelmed with a feeling of suffering and hopelessness.
Every day begins and ends with memories of a previous relationship that causes great pain.Usually behind these thoughts there is melancholy, disappointment and helplessness, because there is no visible chance to improve the situation. In such a situation, it seems that this state will last forever, and nothing can be done about it.
- There is an idealization of the partner and the relationship.
Sometimes a woman overly demonizes the union: grief caused by a breakup or the departure of a loved one can occur in two ways. The first is an extreme idealization of a person and relationships with him: the denial of all vices and unpleasant events that occurred in tandem. Therefore, an image of an idealized relationship that actually did not exist appears in the mind. The second is focusing solely on the negative aspects of the relationship: focusing on the shortcomings and bad experiences (often exaggerated at this stage) is a defensive reaction to loneliness and disappointment from the relationship. - Loss of self-esteem: Rejection always deals a strong blow to a person’s self-image.
A person feels inferior, blames himself for the breakup, and sees no chance for a good life and happy love. Then it is easy to fall into a vicious circle in which a woman independently undermines her self-esteem. By focusing on her shortcomings and identifying with her negative feelings (“I am hopeless because I feel hopeless”), the lady paints herself into a corner. - Escape from negative emotions (“I’ll just sit within four walls”): this is one of the most dangerous paths after a breakup. Suppressing emotions is never beneficial and makes suffering worse. The woman is on the path of self-destruction, which even the most painful separation should never lead to.
- Neglect of yourself, your life and your loved ones, because you are “still alone”: avoiding social contacts, neglecting your family, relatives and friends. A woman disappoints others with her irritation or resentment, does not take care of herself and does not play sports, gives up hobbies, and becomes detached. She closes herself off to a happy life.
How much time should you give yourself to live through suffering?
Each representative of the fair sex experiences separation differently.
It only takes a few weeks for one woman to come to her senses . For another, even a year is not enough to start life from scratch.
The main thing is to understand that life after a breakup does not have to be wonderful and easy right away. At some point, you need to begin to realize the opportunities that a breakup can open up.
Even if it doesn't mean getting rid of a toxic or unhappy relationship, you may be able to uncover something in yourself that wasn't there before.
How to let go of grievances and stop suffering?
Parting definitely affects the perception of the world , because the woman additionally compares herself with a specific person - the one who destroyed the relationship. She wonders: what is someone better than her at, what can someone else give that I couldn’t, where a mistake was made, when vigilance was lost.
Although at this moment you mostly want to blame your ex-partner, who turned out to be unfaithful or unworthy, somewhere inside your head a feeling of guilt arises because you failed to make your loved one happy.
The question of how to let go of grievances and get out of suffering can be answered in different ways. It all depends on the situation you find yourself in, but there are a few key tips that should guide you toward getting your life back and not thinking of a breakup as a major setback:
- Work on negative emotions .
The first step to “healing” after a breakup is overcoming negative emotions. These feelings include suffering, disappointment, regret, low self-esteem, anger and sadness. It is also a feeling of loneliness and the meaninglessness of life. They are absolutely justified and normal, so you should not deny them, but accept, re- and live and, finally, elevate them so that they do not remain with you forever. - Enjoy the benefits of a free life . At the next stage, the task is to accept the changes and find yourself in a new role. This new role actually brings you back to who you are, to the core of your identity. By discovering and recognizing this, you have the opportunity to notice the positive aspects of loneliness.
Love solitude .
It is also worth starting to appreciate the moments when you are alone - the only full owner of your own life. This is an opportunity to think, plan something, take care of yourself and love your “I”.If you feel as comfortable in these moments as you do with other people, you will gain complete emotional independence, which will allow you to be more in control of how you feel and why.
- Start looking for and taking advantage of opportunities . Once you have managed to dispel the cloud of negative emotions, distance yourself from your previous relationships and fully experience the benefits of being single, then you are ready to begin a new phase of your life. It is important that your disappointment in your old relationship does not become stronger, because love does not always lead to suffering.
- Be patient and watch others . Let people give you something that we may not have received before. Discover pleasures that give you positive emotions: get a dog or cat that your partner was allergic to, change your hairstyle to your taste, and not according to the man’s wishes, etc.
Features of divorce when there are children
Being carried away by sorting out relationships, adults often miss the point that children are often watching them. And the more aggressive the divorce of mom and dad looks, the more strongly it affects the child’s behavior and relationship with society. Seeing discord in the family, a child may consider himself the cause of quarrels and forever earn a feeling of guilt. Especially in adolescence.
Be wise parents.
Even in a stressful situation, explain that adults sometimes disagree, but they will never stop loving their children and will never stop being mom and dad to them.
3.1. What you definitely shouldn't do
- Tolerate each other, because a child must grow up in a complete family. Such good intentions lead to feeling like a victim and illness. Believe me, children feel everything. They won't be happy if their parents are unhappy.
- To endure domestic violence “after all, we have children.” It is better to think about how to live alone with a child than to risk your life and show your child an unhealthy pattern of behavior. The child does not hear the correct words if they disagree with the actions of the parent. He learns by imitation. And will imitate sacrificial, masochistic, derogatory behavior.
- Trying to keep your partner with children. Anyone who wants to leave will leave anyway, and such manipulations only traumatize the child’s psyche.
- Having another baby. Women make the mistake of thinking that everything will get better with the birth of a child. This is also not true how to treat chronic bronchitis with lollipops. You are simply delaying the moment, but not eradicating the problem.
- Turning a child against the other parent. Do not take revenge on your partner, do not humiliate him in the eyes of your children. To them, he should be the same and loving, and your common differences should be resolved between the two of you.
3.2. Who will the child stay with after divorce?
As a rule, after a divorce, children remain with their mother, and many fathers disappear on the horizon. The woman has no time to grieve. After all, now, relying only on herself, she needs to provide twice as much care to the child, earn money and replace her father. Such activities distract and help you recover faster and not feel the break so acutely. If, after a divorce, a child wants to live with his father, there is no need to perceive this as a betrayal and show anger. This could have a negative impact on your relationship with your son or daughter. Here you should show miracles of diplomacy and talk with all family members, find out why the child wanted this and with whom the children should live after the divorce.
Sometimes it turns out that staying with the father is really the right thing to do: it is closer to school, the father provides better for the family, etc., and does not at all try to annoy and take the child away.
Daughters more often choose to stay with their mother. It’s easier for them, like girls, to understand each other. But mothers of boys sometimes don’t know how to treat their son after a divorce, feel especially guilty and decide to devote their whole lives to him, because boys need their father more.
Such self-sacrifice is wrong!
Every person has the right to personal happiness.
And your children will only be happy to see their mother blooming again. Over time, you yourself will understand how happily a woman with a child can live.
Do not limit children’s communication with dad if he himself wants it.
Share your worries, don't put everything on yourself. On the contrary, let children feel love from all sides, because the child’s psyche is more receptive.
What to do, how to behave next?
This is a case where it may take much longer to overcome the pain and disappointment. You need to put more work and energy into it. The key is to not allow yourself to become dependent on your ex and your feelings for him, but instead take care of yourself and your social life.
Forgiveness is also an integral element - not necessarily expressed in person, but primarily in your head. It should become a stimulus for emotional cleansing.
You should not follow the development of your ex's new relationship . The closure of such an important stage in life as marriage can be very traumatic in terms of consequences that can only be overcome after long and hard work.
Separation from your wife or husband can mean either divorce or temporary separation.
Both of these factors complicate your life not only for emotional, but also for formal reasons, which further emphasizes the drama of the situation.
This involves dividing assets, moving, sometimes selling a home, sharing parental responsibilities, and reconnecting with family and mutual friends.
In such a difficult period, it is worth taking the help of a therapist or psychologist , as well as surrounding yourself with loved ones who are ready to support you. The type of your future relationship with your ex-spouse depends on your will, as well as whether you have children.
If they are not completely violated for various reasons, you should try to keep your distance, but at the same time maintain the principle of mutual respect. Take the opportunity to end the conflict as quickly as possible, which will also give you a chance to return to normal faster.
Ex-husband wants to come back
However, there are many cases where exes start dating again after a divorce. And some are also walking down the aisle in the second round! “Will your ex-husband come back?” – the question is quite complicated. It all depends on the reason for the divorce. If he went to his mistress, then there is no need to wait for him. In any situation you need to maintain your own dignity. But all other cases give a small chance of resuscitating the relationship.
How to find something to do, a hobby, why is it important?
So you are free. Suddenly, you have a unique opportunity to regain your independence and redefine yourself: to better know your own personality, true needs and expectations and, finally, begin to satisfy them with your own hands, and not with the help of another person.
Remember how often you lost yourself, dissolving in your partner , how painfully quickly the day passed - and you realized that you again did not have enough of that 25th hour for yourself?
Now you have much more time for relationships that you previously neglected, as well as for new acquaintances, hobbies, interesting meetings with friends and like-minded people, career development or travel.
The end of something old is always the beginning of something new. During periods of negative emotional states, it is very important to act - and then depression will have no chance. You will be enriched with new experiences that can help you avoid mistakes and suffering in the future.
Signs
Signs that your ex-husband wants to return to you:
- Interested in your life directly or through friends. An indifferent person does not care at all about how you are doing, what happened to your mother, or what problems you have at work. Consequently, you are remembered and perhaps missed.
- Making up excuses to meet you. Has your ex-husband been unable to move his things for a month? It’s not a matter of forgetfulness; a man is a hunter who first lulls the vigilance of his prey and then attacks. But only the victim decides whether to surrender to the predator or run away.
- He began to take care of himself. Remember how many times you asked your ex-husband to shave, but to no avail. If you notice that your man smells like new perfume, he is always clean-shaven and smartly dressed, then he is not trying for his own sake. In this way he is trying to attract attention to himself.
Is it always worth starting a new relationship?
If a bad experience has become too painful for you due to a very close attachment to your partner, you definitely shouldn’t go “all out” and “knock it out.” But it will be useful to draw the right conclusions so that the breakup becomes a motivation to take stock of your current relationship and life at the moment.
Ask yourself questions:
- Did you feel satisfied and happy?
- Have you achieved everything you dreamed of?
- Has your happiness depended on another person?
Over time, when you can thoroughly analyze the situation, do not miss the chance for new meetings. Perhaps the new person in your life has also experienced disappointment in the past, and now wants to try to start a new life with someone who will allow him to see the world in a completely different way.
Although initially it will not be easy for you to convince yourself of the next relationship, do not close yourself off from the world, give your heart the opportunity to feel ready for new discoveries . This will help you realize that the suffering caused by previous relationships has already been overcome.
The main thing is to approach your relationship consciously, keeping in mind what you were thinking after your last breakup. To be able to successfully enter into a new union, you need to understand what you were missing in your previous relationship.
Main mistakes
The main mistakes of women going through a breakup:
- New relationships too fast. There is no need to force yourself into a new romantic relationship that may fail in a short period of time. It is more advisable to find a place where you will feel good: among friends, family and acquaintances. Show yourself to others not as half, but as a whole person who also feels complete without a relationship.
- Revenge for an insult. If the breakup was due to the fault of a man, many women are influenced by negative emotions and go to extremes. Be above your pride, because by realizing the desire to “annoy” your ex, you will only deserve disdain in return.
- Continued communication with the man. This gives extremely unnecessary emotions. It is much better to keep conversations to a minimum, and if possible, limit them altogether.
- Closure “in grief” and four walls. This is pure masochism. Neither friends nor relatives are to blame for what happened.
Work on your self-esteem
Breaking up hurts your self-esteem. You may doubt your attractiveness, scold yourself for not being able to maintain the relationship, and feel guilty. All this makes you vulnerable. You can rush into a new relationship to prove to yourself and your past love that you are still great. Or, conversely, be afraid that no one will love you anymore, and start dating just anyone.
Andrey Smirnov
psychotherapist
After the end of a relationship, a person is often overcome by the fear of loneliness, the inability to live without someone’s support. Such fears are mostly irrational and can be overcome quite easily when communicating with a psychologist. The first thing you need to realize is that no one is irreplaceable and there is absolutely always the opportunity to find a more suitable partner.
It is possible that you will not be looking for a person, but for a function - someone who will help you forget, survive, and become different from your past love. And it’s not a fact that such relationships will help you recover and be productive.
Many people are so unable to withstand the pain of a breakup that they almost immediately decide to move into a new relationship. This story is very much like walking on thin ice. And in fact, there is no resource in it - continuous internal tension. Starting a new relationship from a state where everything hurts and bleeds is like running with a broken leg and pretending you're fine.
Nadezhda Efremova
When you leave a long-term relationship, it takes time to understand the new rules of the game. You haven’t flirted seriously for a long time, you’ve gotten older. The old templates no longer work. We'll have to figure out what has changed in the world and how Tinder works.
