How to behave with your husband after his betrayal: advice from a psychologist on how to improve relationships

Leonid Agutin and Angelika Varum
We treat infidelity as something outrageous, out of the ordinary, an exception to the rule. However, the statistics are merciless: at least one in four husbands and 15% of wives are unfaithful to their other half in marriage, and according to maximum estimates from the BBC, the figures reach as much as 75%.

What exactly is meant by betrayal, opinions vary - for some, a joint dinner in a restaurant, a kiss, or simply romantic thoughts about another person are equal to betrayal. And of course, neither show business stars nor mere mortals are immune from adultery.

Let us remember the situation of Leonid Agutin: since 1997 he has been inseparable from Angelica Varum, and for 14 years the couple was considered ideal. However, in 2011, photos and videos appeared on the Internet of a musician kissing a certain brunette at the New Wave in Jurmala. Angelica packed her things and went to her mother, while Leonid desperately tried to reach her by phone, hoping to beg for forgiveness. Having met the next day at a concert, the couple were silent behind the scenes, and from the stage they sang songs about love... It was a fleeting weakness, as the artist admitted, he was insanely drunk and did not really remember the events of that ill-fated evening. However, the singer hurt Varum, and he could fix everything only with sincere repentance. As Agutin said, for three days they were in a state of divorce.

Everything worked out, and the beloved couple of millions again took their place on the pedestal. But what if the case is more serious, or adultery is repeated time after time? For example, Hillary not only had to forgive Bill Clinton for his affairs with White House employees, but also publicly support him before voters and refute the accusations of journalists and victims of harassment. “StarHit” turned to Adelina Borzova, a teacher at the Department of Psychology at Synergy University, to find out how to save a marriage after infidelity.

How to deal with your husband after he cheated

Although the situation is as old as time, upon learning about the betrayal, the woman is at first sincerely surprised. For her, the fact that her loved one is capable of betrayal becomes a revelation. Meanwhile, adultery, as a rule, does not arise out of nowhere. Most likely, the couple had problems of one kind or another.

Usually a woman, upon learning about betrayal, experiences disappointment, resentment, and anger. Emotionally excited, she is ready to break the woods: either break off the relationship and take revenge, or immediately forgive.

What should a woman do in this case, what should she do after cheating? You need to understand what happened with a sober head:

Be alone. If a woman is at work, you can ask to go home early, go to nature (outside the city or to the garden), take a walk, get some fresh air. Do not meet with your spouse for several days.
Release your anger. Sing or shout loudly in a secluded place.
Talk it out. Contact a girlfriend, friend or psychologist. This will help put your thoughts in order. You can write a letter to yourself, express all your feelings. Often this approach helps to make the right decision.
Take a break. Psychologists advise not to think about it after cheating. You can watch a movie, read a book, play a computer game, go to bed early, and so on. Do the usual things: wash the dishes, vacuum, brush off the dust.

As soon as the first emotions subside, you can soberly assess the situation and make the right decision.

Shock from betrayal is the first reaction of women

Who is guilty?

According to statistics, about 20% of marriages break up after adultery.
The first thing a practicing psychologist told us is that it is possible to restore a union after adultery, but to do this you need to understand the etiology of infidelity. The blame lies on both sides, as each spouse contributes to building a long-lasting relationship.

“Change doesn’t happen suddenly. This is usually preceded by certain prerequisites. When people live together, they influence each other—every day. In the process of living together, “the eye becomes blurry,” and a lot happens “on autopilot.” For example, a wife asks her husband to help hang a new wall clock in the house, but he rudely waves it off, showing disdain - the message “your requests are not important to me.” The wife becomes offended, but she does not inform the chosen one about this. Time passes - the watch is still in the box, the woman feels irritated and remembers the insult. She turns to her husband with the same request - to hang a wall clock. He waves it off again, She feels even more irritated, and a scandal ensues. During an argument, the couple says hurtful things, causing both to harbor resentment. Time passes, the conflict subsides, the couple decides not to fight anymore, because they are significant to each other, but there is no mutual understanding,” explains Adelina.

Throughout the year, misunderstandings arise again and again, but the spouses try not to quarrel - they “walk away” from the conflict. Resentments accumulate, it becomes harder to exist together, but the feelings are still alive. At the same time, a woman draws emotional nourishment from communication with children, with friends, with her mother. Well, the man doesn’t get any nourishment and understands that he needs someone who will support him.

This famous photo shows Hillary supporting Bill Clinton as he publicly defends himself after the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

“The mode of “searching for a source of recharge” (heat, communication) is turned on and it finds it,” continues Adeline. - Usually this is a lively person, not burdened with problems, who knows how to have fun. If a person is capable of empathy and affection, then the incentive to create permanent, rosy, warm relationships “on the side” increases. The spouse who decides to cheat usually belongs to the type of people who are prone to excitement. And he is ready to take risks for the sake of impressions and for the sake of marriage, no matter how strange it may sound. Cheating is a kind of way to save a relationship with your other half. “Having had a good time,” the cheating spouse comes “nourished,” filled with resources to “fight” further with his beloved in the field of everyday life.”

don't miss the sex scandal that went beyond the walls of the White House. Hillary Clinton, whom the president disgraced with Monica Lewinsky

Probably, Bill Clinton, burdened with building a political career, suffered from a lack of communication with his wife and was looking for “warmth” on the side, as close as possible to his place of work, hence the famous story with Monica Lewinsky.

Several options for the development of events

After the spouse’s feelings have settled down a little, she will have to think about her behavior in the future. Take the next step, namely: decide whether to forgive him or get a divorce.

The psychology of the relationship between husband and wife after her husband’s betrayal is conventionally divided into three groups and the wife must choose one of them.

If the husband’s infidelities last for several years, and he carefully hides it, then it is worth saying that now the woman is aware of what is happening. You need to speak calmly, in a quiet voice, without being indignant or shouting. This approach will help you navigate in the future. If your spouse decides to leave the family, then you need to let him go. If he repents of what he has done, you can think about whether to forgive him or not. There is no point in creating a scandal.
If adultery occurred only once, the husband repents and asks for forgiveness - this is a completely different situation. Wives usually forgive the “betrothed” and give them another chance. There are women who cannot survive betrayal. It would be better for them to separate.
If the husband tries to combine relationships with both his wife and his mistress, then most likely there will be no future together. Divorce in this case is the right decision. A wife can make a scandal, throw hysterics, and she has every right to do so.

In any case, it is necessary to consider the situation individually. If the spouse is ready to forgive, you can try to save the family, especially if you have children.

A conversation about relationships should take place; it is important to find out what exactly he didn’t like and what pushed him to cheat.

Initial emotions, arguments for and against forgiveness

Often, the news of a husband’s betrayal for many women is tantamount to his death. In a state of shock, she cannot believe or take the betrayal seriously. The only thing a woman wants is to return to the past.

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Some representatives of the fairer sex become so aggressive that they cannot restrain themselves and splash out the accumulated anger on their husband. Then comes the stage of grief and despair. She remembers a happy family life, in which there is no place for a homewrecker. And finally, the stage comes when the spouse makes her choice.

It’s impossible to say what to do right away.

For forgiveness

Women have highly developed feelings and instincts, so they can unmistakably determine whether the betrayal was accidental or whether it was characteristic of the husband. If the wife firmly decides to save the family, she argues with the following facts:

Children should not lose their father.
She will have to work a lot (maybe in two places) to feed her children and herself.
It’s unpleasant to be considered a “divorcee.”
There is no desire to go through the humiliating process of divorce.
The thought of not being able to save the marriage is unbearable.
It’s easier in everyday life when there is a man nearby.
It's easier to pay off your mortgage together.
There may be problems with housing.

After weighing these and other thoughts, women's focus changes. Meanwhile, the final decision rests only with the spouse.

There is no need to forgive right away. The husband must feel that this decision was not easy for his wife!

There are also “mitigating circumstances” that cannot be ignored:

The betrayal occurred due to drunkenness, when the husband had poor self-control.
This was a one-time encounter (for example, on a business trip).
He became a “victim” of an insidious temptress and later told everything to his wife and repents.

Against forgiveness

“Every family is unhappy in its own way” - this is true. Not all betrayals need to be forgiven. Unfortunately, it happens that spouses are unhappy in their marriage, so the husband’s betrayal is a reason to put an end to the relationship.

Whether it is worth forgiving, everyone decides for themselves

If a woman does not love a man, then his betrayal will, at best, be indifferent to her. At worst, she will hate him. If the husband is rude, lazy, indifferent, greedy, and so on, there is no point in holding on to the marriage. Deep down, the wife feels that it will be much easier for her alone.

Arguments against forgiveness:

His betrayals are systematic. Each time he makes excuses and vows not to do it again. Such men do not change, so the wife must decide for herself: forgive him for his “bad habit” or break up.
The betrayal continues for a long time. Often, a long-term romance lasts for months or years. He is ready to live in two families, to say to his wife’s face that he loves and at the same time love another woman. He constantly lies, “covers his tracks,” and comes up with excuses. Is it worth forgiving such a spouse? Usually there is no point in this.
The husband does not repent. In this situation, the saying “offense is better than defense” makes sense. The husband, after he was “brought to light”, does not try to repent. On the contrary, he blames his wife for his sins. It was she who was to blame for the fact that he took a mistress, since she did not pay him enough attention. This type of person considers himself right in everything and it is quite difficult to establish relationships with him.

Psychologists believe that if a wife thinks about whether to forgive her husband or not, this means that she wants to save the family. There is something that keeps her from taking a radical step.

Mistakes a wife makes after her husband cheats

What should a wife do after her husband cheats? Alas, despite the abundance of information, the situation when a wife finds out about adultery seems catastrophic to her. Giving in to feelings, many women make a number of mistakes, which they later regret for a long time.

They change in response.
They arrange a “showdown” with their mistress.
They pretend that nothing happened.
They hold a grudge.
They refuse the help of psychologists.

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Eliminating the mistress and returning the spouse home

The desire to change in response is quite understandable, however, the implementation of such a step leads to bad consequences. To feel better, you need to make your husband worse. However, cheating in return leads to chaos. This attitude will not restore trust in the couple; most likely they will slide into a competition: “Who will hurt and humiliate whom more.”

Cheating in response to betrayal - many people make this choice

Such behavior indicates the immaturity of the spouse. If she decides to reconcile, it would be better for her to concentrate on the steps that lead to saving the family. Cheating back is a direct path to divorce.

Taking revenge on your husband’s mistress is also stupid and also painful, especially in a fit of emotion. It is better to calm down and put your feelings in order, to gain calm. In a state of rest, thoughts sober up, women understand that the consequences of revenge have the opposite effect. The worst thing will be for her.

Betrayal is always stressful, so pretending that nothing happened will not lead to good consequences. You need to give yourself time to survive this stress, to be alone, to think and weigh everything.

It is also psychologically wrong to hold a grudge. If the wife cannot forgive, then she will constantly blame her husband.

Stinging, apt sayings about infidelity will interfere with the restoration of the marriage.

Sometimes coping with psychological trauma alone is difficult. If a woman refuses professional help, she is driving herself into a corner. A psychologist will help save the marriage if the spouses decide to do so.

You can’t forgive when betrayals are repeated

Correct conversation when cheating and advice from a psychologist

Having recovered from the first shock, a woman who wants to save her family should start a conversation with her husband about his infidelity. Some avoid this stage of the relationship because they are afraid that the husband will leave after the conversation. However, if the relationship was built on love, there is nothing to be afraid of.

Most likely, the spouse will refuse the conversation and avoid it. The wife's task is to force him to be frank, but at the same time she must maintain composure.

A woman must show that she is offended and she does not know how to live with this, how to behave so that this does not happen, because it is no secret that wives are also the culprits of men’s infidelities.

You can forgive if a person really made a mistake and repents

If the spouse expresses his position as sincerely as possible, they will decide together whether they should continue living together, whether the wife can forgive her husband, or whether the best solution is divorce.

Psychologists advise:

The conversation should not look like a hail of accusations.
You need to speak calmly.
Sincerely tell how a woman feels when she learns about cheating.
Convey to him how hurt and offended she is.
Speak without reproach, describe your feelings.

Perhaps the conversation will lead to a scandal, but there is no need to be afraid.

Going through this is extremely important, because at the end of the conversation lies the path to solving the problem.

What to do?

Previously, trips to the “New Wave” were fun and without incidents for Leonid.
“We finished the concert, silently went to the dressing room, changed clothes and again went in different directions. The next day - a concert in St. Petersburg. Our hotel rooms were opposite. She knocked and walked in. I don’t remember this in 14 years of marriage, apparently she understood that I wouldn’t come in on my own, I was too guilty. We sat on the couch, cried and felt... happy. It was so clearly clear to us that we couldn’t get away from each other,” Leonid Agutin shared the story of reconciliation with Angelica.

The couple was saved by sincerity and frankness, and Leonid noted that since then he has been trying to prevent this from happening, and generally avoids public gatherings. Well, Angelica, who had been silent for years, shared her personal conclusions with subscribers in 2019.

don’t miss Varum about Agutin’s betrayal: “Everyone must go their own way. Advice doesn't work here."

“A man’s beloved is not the one with whom there was an impulsive exchange of fluids, but the one to whom he devotes poetry throughout his life,” the singer emphasized. - If you are still family-oriented, and you are lucky enough to live with a person until your silver wedding, get ready, many surprises await you along the way. And don’t expect dirty tricks only from men. Sometimes, completely unexpectedly, you can surprise yourself.”

Angelica still calls the video with the kiss in Jurmala “the most popular video” of Agutin

So, what should spouses who decide to restore their relationship after cheating do? “First, sit down and talk. Alone. Reveal all your cards, say your feelings as they are. The one who cheated tells why he did it (sincerely). The one who suffered after the betrayal listens without reproach (this is important). After discussing and expressing their feelings, both should try to include objectivity. For example: “I did this because you were always angry and hardly touched me. She screamed at me every day." “I was too tired and depressed, and it drained me of energy. I wanted warmth and hugs.” - “And I wanted your warmth.” - "I love you". - "And I love you". This is a constructive conversation. If such a conversation took place, this relationship is definitely worth giving a chance,” Adelina Borzova is sure.

don’t miss Leonid Agutin: “My wife should have left me a long time ago because of infidelity”

Leonid Agutin shares approximately the same opinion. “This is an independent decision for everyone. If you can’t live without a person, then it makes sense to come to an agreement. In theory, my wife should have left me a long time ago and just not get on her nerves and not suffer. But I'm glad she didn't. Throughout my life, it has happened that I mess up, and we don’t talk for two or three days, but we figure it out, and then everything is fine,” the artist shared in an interview for the YouTube channel “Should we talk?”

How to live together after cheating

Almost every family has experienced the betrayal of one of the spouses. Husbands cheated more often, since men are polygamous by nature.

If a couple, through an effort of will, was able to survive a difficult situation, this means that they mutually strive to be with each other, value their family and children.

Help from a psychologist is often appropriate

You cannot blame your partner or yourself for what happened, because emotions (especially sexual ones) can wash over literally every person. It is important to understand yourself and your feelings. The help of family psychologists in this case is priceless.

Life is short and spending it on sorting things out is stupid. Time will help smooth out rough edges in family life. All that matters is the desire to be together. In this case, you will be able to forget the lie, fall in love again and improve your relationship.

Is revenge necessary?

If one of the spouses happens to find out that a loved one has cheated, the reaction is always negative. The resentment and anger that an unfaithful spouse made you feel often leads to a desire for revenge. The result of this is major quarrels, scandals and retaliatory betrayal. Because of the showdown, children suffer and witness the destruction of the family. The consequences of this behavior are:

divorce;
mentally disturbed children;
in rare cases - crimes.

The desire to teach a traitor a lesson is understandable to everyone, but this is not a reasonable way out of the situation, since this method provides short-term psychological relief. As soon as the offended spouse realizes that the problem is not solved, but only worsened, his irritability returns. That is why psychologists do not specifically recommend taking revenge.

The best way to punish an abuser is to end the relationship with dignity. At the same time, not only save face, but also find happiness in the future: improve your career, find your other half, develop spiritually.