Arthur S. Brooks
Sociologist, professor at Harvard Business School, former president of the American Enterprise Institute.
Years of research convincingly prove I Matter to My Friend, Therefore I am Happy: Friendship, Mattering, and Happiness: it is almost impossible to be happy without friends.
People who have them, on average, rate “I am so happy cause today I found my friend: Friendship and personality as predictors of happiness”: Erratum their level of happiness is almost 60% higher than those who are socially lonely.
You don't have to have dozens of friends to feel happy. With age, for example, the number of close friends decreases, and there is a reason for this: people become more selective Taking time seriously: A theory of socioemotional selectivity in communication.
It is also important that your friend is not only your spouse or partner. The type of friendship also plays a role.
Why are we less friends?
Almost 8 billion people live on Earth today, but it seems that we have never been so divided. And it’s not just about quarantine measures.
American researchers have calculated that over the past 30 years, the number of close friends people have has decreased from 3 to 1.
We have begun to think less collectively; the individual, the person, rather than some group, comes to the fore. And despite the fact that it is now easier than ever to call someone on another continent or have intimate conversations at any time face-to-face via video, it is very troublesome for the modern city dweller to make friends.
First, relationships require self-disclosure and a high degree of honesty. At the same time, we now expect absolute security: a loved one should not be toxic or devaluing, otherwise the relationship will bring us suffering.
Secondly, friendship is an expensive business. She needs to sacrifice hours of joint conversations, common affairs and entertainment. Researcher Jeffrey Hall from the University of Kansas found out in 2021 that for a simple acquaintance to develop into a friendly relationship, we need about 50 hours of communication. Another 40 hours will be needed for a friendship to be called friendship, and to be considered close friends, the counter needs to be increased to 200 hours. And if this time is not particularly pleasant, nothing will come of it.
In addition, more priority relationships can get in the way of friendship.
In 2010, Oxford anthropologist Robin Dunbar found that a new romantic partner displaces two friends from our inner circle.
We may be more willing to invest in loving relationships. It’s easy to tell your friends: “I have a date, so let’s put off bowling,” but try telling your girlfriend a couple of hours before a romantic meeting: “Sorry, but today I just want to relax with my friends, find out how Kolyan’s dog is doing...”
Men and women have different friendships
Women organize friendly get-togethers - bachelorette parties - with the goal of speaking out and receiving emotional support, exchanging psychological strokes and signs of attention, sympathy and empathy. Such sharing with friends of the details of one’s life drama is sometimes very, very expressive and even theatrical. But no solutions are developed in the process. The sympathy of friends is almost always enough to literally revive the sufferer from the ashes, improve her mood and well-being, and guide her, radiant and renewed, to a new happy life with an easy step.
For men, friendly communication is either common interests, a joint business, or mutual assistance in solving current problems. Men come to each other for specific advice or necessary help. “I tried to get a bear from a den. Nothing works. Help me, friends!
Although there are exceptions to every rule.
Why do you need friends?
Since friendship is so complex and costly, perhaps there is no point in investing in it? Researchers believe that this is not so: good company has no worse effect on a person than a gym membership (especially considering the fact that the membership remains unused). Scientists from Brigham Young University (USA) calculated that people with weak social ties have a 50% higher risk of early death than those who have loyal friends. Such relationships are closely related to our sense of happiness or, as scientists say, level of well-being.
In 2021, German scientists from the Max Planck Institute conducted an experiment in which participants tried to become more satisfied with life in a year. One group invested in their career, self-realization, and increased earnings, while the other spent more time with friends and family. A year later, scientists surveyed people again and found out that those who focused on communication rather than on personal growth were happier.
However, when talking about friendship, we first think not about the joys of life, but about difficult moments. In 2013, VTsIOM asked Russians why they need friends.
First of all, the respondents recalled the difficult moments of life, help and mutual assistance. It is important for us to feel that we can rely on a friend.
But even if trouble has not yet come, friends are already bringing us a lot of benefits.
So why do many people’s attitudes towards friendship change as they age?
The answer, in my opinion, is obvious. In youth, a person is less confident in his own abilities, he is just learning, just mastering this world, trying to find his place in it. He really needs friends at this stage of his life. After all, psychologically he must leave his parental family and face all the trials and challenges of the outside world alone, and become a hero. In these trials, he must harden himself, gain an independent adult position, become successful in his business, find a spouse, and give birth to children. The tasks, you see, are not simple.
And friends play the role of a support group for any person. If in childhood, when faced with fears or powerlessness, he resorted to his parents and sought consolation from them, then at the stage of growing up, the role of psychological support and safety net is played by friends and girlfriends.
How we choose friends
How can you tell if this is a real friend, or if he “suddenly turned out to be neither a friend nor an enemy, but just like that”? Can we knock on his door if we need help? Scientists believe that many surprises can await us at this moment.
Often we misinterpret the signs of others, and the person whom we considered a faithful comrade may think completely differently: he forgot that you have already spent the “required” number of hours together, or believes that you are just working together. Scientists at Tel Aviv University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology said in 2016 that our intuition deceives us about half of the time. Those with whom we are ready to go on reconnaissance do not consider us close people at all. And in this case, our relationship is not a two-way street, but a pathetic single-track.
So we decide: “This person is my friend.” But what does this depend on? Who do we sign up as friends?
In 2011, Canadian scientists conducted four studies to prove what you noticed back in seventh grade: physically similar people try to get closer to each other. The researchers observed students in different settings: classrooms and laboratories. Each time the result was the same: those who wore glasses and belonged to the same sex sat next to each other.
When we find ourselves in an unfamiliar situation, things like gender, race, hair length and color, and even glasses will determine which table we sit at.
However, we make this choice without thinking. If you grab a man by the button and ask why he is walking towards a crowd of red bearded men, he will only shrug his shoulders and rub his beard.
We are accustomed to thinking that we need to communicate with a variety of people. In 2021, the British company Ipsos Mori surveyed about 20 thousand people from 27 countries, including Russia, about how they choose their mates. The majority answered that they were ready to be friends with different people, and half said that they would listen to other people’s opinions, even if they did not agree with them. But further questioning revealed that we are not particularly eager for other opinions: it turned out that we more often choose people of the same age and level of education as us.
Neuroscientists from Dartmouth College conducted a study in 2021 - they placed young people in an MRI machine and showed them various videos: music videos, political propaganda and cool moments from movies, while the subjects' brain activity was measured. It turned out that the more similar the neural responses to the same content were, the closer the relationships between people were. The connection was so clear that the researchers were able to accurately predict not only whether people were friends with each other, but also the social distance between them.
This explains why we confidently send Dimon stupid videos with a hiccupping panda, although neither his brother nor his mother appreciated them.
One of the most significant scientific concepts of recent years with regard to human needs is the theory of self-determination by American scientists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan. She says that we have three universal needs that directly affect our motivation, behavior and ability to experience happiness:
- autonomy,
- competence,
- belonging (connection).
Through belonging, we can feel that we are not alone, but part of a community—for example, one that knows the panda joke, sits in the second row from the left, or has a gray beard. It supports our sense of identity and helps answer the question of who we are and what we are doing here. It is not surprising that Israeli scientists, who found that we are often mistaken about those close to us, complained: those whom we nevertheless signed up as friends are capable of exerting a powerful influence on us. And it will be higher than, for example, the motivating influence of money.
Three secrets of friendship for adults
Sometimes a sincere conversation in the kitchen over a cup of tea has a truly therapeutic effect: after all, you can talk through your problem, break it down into parts, and see it from the outside. It is important to share with friends not only worries and failures, but also positive moments, your victories and achievements - this makes them even more enjoyable and meaningful, and strengthens your self-confidence. Where to look for friends and how to make friends as an adult? The combination of three key points is important here.
1 place.
Just as children make their first friends in kindergarten or at school, it is also easier for adults to do this in a certain place where there are like-minded people. For young mothers, such a place can be a playground, for lovers of physical activity - a gym or a swimming pool. Creative individuals can sign up for dancing, painting, decoupage or clay modeling courses, attend lectures and master classes. Acquaintances made on the basis of common interests can develop into friendship, and then into friendship. You will want to meet outside of class, start calling each other or communicating via instant messengers.
2. Time.
Friendship is not an accident, not something that happens by itself, it needs to be given attention and time. Are you familiar with the situation when you agreed with friends to meet during the May holidays, but met closer to the New Year? It’s not surprising: with age, life seems to pass faster, and it’s not always possible to find time for friendship. In classes or communities of interest, communication usually occurs according to a schedule. This means that it will be easier for you to allocate a few hours for this. In addition, for some it is psychologically easier to “ask” their family for time off or allow themselves to go to some master classes than just to go to a get-together with a friend.
3. Desire.
An important factor, without which nothing will work. If you yourself do not begin to be active, do not go out into the world and communicate, then you should not expect miracles. It is unlikely that new friends will ring your doorbell one day. Don't be shy to take initiative, don't be afraid to be open. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone: you have already grown up and can offer your friendship and refuse it, decide with whom to be friends and with whom not. Of course, this does not mean that you need to be assertive, go ahead and impose your society. This way you can achieve the opposite effect. But a smile, compliments, attention, openness to dialogue - all this is pleasant to others, and they are more likely to want to communicate with a sincere, friendly person.
In a word, no matter how banal it may sound: act, everything is in your hands! Find hobbies, travel (even within your city or region), communicate, try to restore old connections or meet new people, be friendly and sociable. You will not be afraid of loneliness and age, because there will always be at least one like-minded person nearby, or even a whole company.
Without friends I am a little bit, but with friends I am a lot
In general, evolutionary scientists believe that we need friends not only to laugh at memes together or to help in return for a favor (today you gave salt to your neighbor, and tomorrow he will lend you washing powder). All this is too small for evolution. After observing dolphins, sharks and monkeys, researchers decided that the role of groups is rather political: complex group alliances help you survive, especially when you swim in foreign waters.
It works in a similar way for people. Psychologist from Brandeis University (USA) Peter De Scioli analyzed profiles on social networks and came to the same conclusion as scientists who observed animals.
We are looking for people who will take our side if something happens.
Well, until the conflict happens, we can just walk together and look good from the outside. This, however, is not a joke, but also the results of a study. Psychologists from the University of California, San Diego, discovered in 2013 the so-called cheerleader effect: if you go out with friends, you look more attractive than when you go alone. And it's not about how you look compared to your girlfriend - this is a general rule. Everyone will seem more beautiful surrounded by others. Isn't this a reason to look around in search of comrades?
Relevant products in the Online store:
Biotherm
Purefect Skin Cleansing facial lotion with micro-peeling effect
999 rub.
sale
Clinique
Clinique iD Anti-Imperfection Cartridge Active concentrate for problem skin in travel format (must be supplemented with base)
720 rub. 1,200 rub.
Redken
COLOR EXTEND BLONDAGE Professional neutralizing shampoo to maintain cool blonde shades
RUB 1,863 RUB 2,070
Korres
Chamomile face soap
from 315 rub.
All goods
Problems
There are different answers to the question of why friends are needed. And many say that it is for help. Moral support was mentioned above, but this is something else.
They say that a friend is not the one who is there in good times, but the one who helps in difficult times. Life is not always rosy. And sometimes things happen that you are afraid to tell even to a psychologist who strictly observes the ethics of professional secrecy.
A friend is a time-tested person who has proven his reliability through his actions and attitude towards a person. Someone who knows how to keep a secret. And he treats her as if he were his own. A person who will not change his attitude towards someone he considers his friend, no matter what happens. And he will try to do everything in his power to make his loved one feel better.
Moral support
And now we can move on from psychological terms to life. Why do you need a friend? For many, to provide moral support. A friend is a person who will help you get up if you fall. The importance of emotional and verbal assistance is sometimes underestimated. But when a person is broken and depressed, sincere empathy, sympathy, as well as praise, consolation and approval can heal him.
And it is very difficult to find the right words. This can only be done by someone who knows the sad person well. And that's why you need a friend. This is a close person who is aware of the problems and mental characteristics of his friend. He knows very well what points need to be “pressed” in order to make you smile and make you understand that everything is not so bad. In psychology, by the way, this is called the moral and ethical side of friendship.
Pastime
We all relax differently. But each of us likes to meet with friends. Some do this often, others rarely. So why do you need a best friend? Then, to have fun together and get new experiences. The two of you can make everything more fun and interesting. And accordingly, there will be more positive impressions from your time spent.
You can go to the movies, cafes, nightclubs, amusement parks together, or just walk around the city and have a conversation at the same time. It’s better to plan a trip together to another city or even country. Such a pastime, as a rule, brings people closer together. Relationships will be refreshed, new and valuable impressions and unusual experiences will appear. Maybe traveling together will turn into your favorite hobby.
