Betrayal is an unpleasant situation that every person can face in their life. It destroys trust between people, leads to depression and disappointment in relationships, and provokes the individual to develop pessimistic thoughts and a cynical perception of the world. Psychologists know that the betrayal of a close friend or lover can be the “last straw” of a person’s “cup of patience” that overflows and pushes him to commit suicide.
That is why any betrayal is dangerous for a person’s mental and physical health. In the article we will try to define this concept, consider its difference from treason and teach readers effective methods to reduce the stress caused by the treachery of others.
What is betrayal? Psychological definition
CONTENT:
In psychology, betrayal is usually understood as a person’s conscious behavior aimed at devaluing the personality of a friend or partner and treating him as a means of achieving one’s own goals. People betray each other for mercantile or ideological reasons, but the basis of the act is always some benefit that one of them receives in exchange for their treachery.
Experts assure that the “roots” of betrayal lie in selfishness, which is characteristic of almost every individual. To put it simply, each of us is guided in life by the postulate “fish look where it is deeper, and people look where it is better.” It turns out that treachery is a natural behavioral model, focused on maximum adaptation and comfort of the one who betrays?
However, imagine a society where “a knife in the back” would be considered something normal and not condemned by other people. How long could it last? How happy would its members be? Such a society would inevitably disintegrate in a couple of months, and the individuals that make it up would have to undergo a course of psychotherapy for a long time to restore their own self-esteem and personal identity.
Psychologists are sure that the basis of a full-fledged society is devotion, not betrayal. Only in an atmosphere of trust and mutual assistance can people feel like full-fledged and happy individuals. Perfidy is an inevitable exception to the rule, which only highlights the contrast between right and wrong behavior. It is completely impossible to get rid of betrayal, since it grows out of the duality of human nature, however, you should not make an idol out of it either.
“The basis of a full-fledged society is loyalty, not betrayal”
Friend didn't help with money
My school friend became a fairly wealthy man. And I work in an average job with an average salary. Money issues have never been an obstacle to our friendship.
In any case, my salary allows me to pay for myself in a restaurant, and I have never envied big money.
But one day I needed a large sum for my mother’s treatment abroad. I wanted to borrow from Dmitry, but he said that his principle is not to help with money and not to lend. In the end everything was fine with my mother, but our friendship came to an end.
Mikhail, 42 years old
How to survive?
A classic phrase can be said about such a story: a friend did not help in trouble. We live in a society in which well-known laws apply: do not do evil, do good.
Helping a friend, and even a friend in need, is one of these unspoken cultural norms.
Given the context of the situation, such behavior can be called antisocial. Of course, our world is quite cruel, but there should be warmth and support in it!
It is difficult to survive the betrayal of a friend, but time is always a good doctor.
Treason and betrayal - what's the difference?
Most people consider treason and betrayal to be synonymous concepts, but is everything really so clear? Psychologists believe that these two formulations differ from each other, like the sun from the moon. Let's try to explain this with an example.
Let's imagine a married couple who have lived together for 10 years. One day, a wife finds out from a friend that her husband is cheating on her with a work colleague. At this moment she learns from personal experience what betrayal is. Now she has to sort out her relationship with her husband in order to understand what to do and how to live next. However, she does not plan to divorce him, at most she will have a row and go to her parents for a week so that he will worry and ask her forgiveness for what he has done. But then the long-awaited evening comes when she decides to “lay out all her cards” and after her first words her husband declares: “I’m leaving for another woman.” This kind of behavior should be understood as betrayal.
That is, in fact, betrayal is largely a spontaneous act, dictated by a person’s lack of endurance and will and low moral responsibility to a friend or partner. Betrayal is a conscious action, deliberate and carefully planned by the individual. This means that it causes much more pain and should be punished much more severely for it than for the fact of betrayal.
Another important difference between these concepts is that betrayal is usually carried out in an atmosphere of secrecy and conspiracy. This indicates that the person does not plan to completely break off relations with his partner, but simply wants to have fun “on the side.” Betrayal, on the other hand, is usually not hidden and people even strive to make it known, since it will speed up the moment of separation and save the traitor from unnecessary regrets.
Having found out what betrayal is and how it differs from treason, let's move on to specific actions in a situation where you have been betrayed by loved ones.
My friend fired me from her job
For a long time I could not find something to do that I liked and was unemployed. One day, my friend, who manages a fairly large company, suggested: Anya, how about I hire you as my assistant?
According to a friend, she cannot trust anyone, since each of her colleagues is aiming for her chair. And she could trust me as a family member.
I, a stupid woman, agreed. I thought - why not help? And then it began. My friend sent me a barrage of criticism.
Either I sent the documents at the wrong time, then I didn’t answer her call in the middle of the night, or I looked at my colleague with the wrong look. A friend set me some absolutely impossible tasks!
One fine day she told me: “Anya, I’m disappointed in you and have to fire you.” It was like a bolt from the blue!
During my time working in this company, I was forced to refuse two very tempting offers. I didn’t want to quit and betray my friend! And it turned out that she betrayed me.
Anna, 31 years old
How to survive?
Business hierarchical relationships with friends or relatives are always fraught with tension.
Expectations are high on both sides: the boss often expects selfless devotion and sacrifice from his subordinate friend, while the subordinate friend expects concessions and special conditions.
In addition, questions not of friendship, but of status come to the fore: why is she, the boss, commanding me? On what basis does a subordinate behave in a familiar manner?
Both lose! Issues of work, status and hierarchy have destroyed more than one friendship.
Why? Because in close relationships we often dissolve our boundaries, but at work we try to strictly observe them. This results in a dangerous confusion of contexts.
How to survive the betrayal of friends?
Friends are people who brighten up our leisure time and make the world play with all its colors. Therefore, it is doubly unpleasant when they betray us. At such moments, a person acutely feels his loneliness, begins to mope, is visited by dark thoughts and is overcome by anger. Observations by psychologists have shown that if an individual does not break out of the captivity of negative emotions as quickly as possible, he may be at risk of various physiological and psychological disorders. The following recommendations will help you avoid this:
Friendship and betrayal. I'm revealing ALL THE SECRETS!!
- Try to forgive your friend. Yes, sometimes it is very difficult to do this, but know that forgiveness is important not so much for the person who betrayed you, but for yourself. With its help, you will forever get rid of the unbearable heaviness in your soul and bitterness that fills your heart with the pain of parting with a close friend. The action he committed indicates that he turned out to be weaker than the circumstances, which means he is simply not worthy of your friendship. In addition, forgiveness does not mean that you will continue communication; rather, it is a necessary measure that will protect you from the accumulation of negative energy and anger.
- Be grateful to your friend for the valuable experience. Betrayal is a painful lesson that teaches a person to be less trusting of those who are not worthy of it. Therefore, carefully analyze the situation, draw conclusions and try not to make the same mistakes in the future.
- Don't generalize. If you were deceived or betrayed by a friend, this does not mean that all the people around you are enemies. By generalizing, a person drives himself into a framework and begins to make impossible demands on people, which threatens him with loneliness. Popular wisdom teaches us: “He who is shipwrecked fears still water.” Therefore, it is better to be careful in choosing friends, but there is no need to completely abandon social connections.
- Don't get stuck on betrayal. “How could he do this to me, isn’t he ashamed?” This is often said by people who have been betrayed by their friends. But what can you change? You can’t undo the past, but endlessly thinking about the offense caused is fraught with consequences. This way you focus on a negative perception of reality, which can push people away from you. Let go of the situation and move on with your life, because this is much better than hidden anger and desire for revenge, which will slowly eat you away from the inside.
- Learn to relieve psychological stress. For these purposes, sports, yoga or any active hobby are perfect. You can also try to master meditation and autogenic training. With their help, you will always keep yourself in good mental shape, which means that no betrayal will be scary for you.
Betrayal by a friend is a terrible thing, especially if you sincerely trusted the person and believed that your friendship would last a lifetime. However, this happens, there is no escape from it. People come into our lives and leave them at will, but this is not a reason to give up and let sadness and longing take over you.
Is it possible to forgive betrayal?
The decision about whether to forgive the treachery of a loved one or not must be made independently by each person. Although practicing psychologists ask you to pay attention to the fact that forgiveness is half the journey to healing from betrayal committed by a friend or lover. Having reconciled and accepted the situation, the individual stops focusing attention on it and quickly forgets about the unpleasant event, focusing on his current needs and desires.
“Having reconciled and accepted the situation, the individual stops focusing attention on it and quickly forgets about the unpleasant event”
How to forgive a loved one?
In a situation with betrayal from a loved one, the main difficulty is the loss of trust, without which love becomes impossible. Rebuilding a trusting relationship is a painstaking task, so you must be sure that you want to remain close to the one who treacherously deceived you. If such confidence exists, then the following tips will help you forgive your lover:
- Give time to heal the wounds inflicted. Healing from betrayal can take either a month or a year, it depends on your temperament, character and the strength of the feelings you have for your chosen one. During this period of time, you will be able to clearly understand the current situation and make the right decision. If your partner believes that you are obligated to forgive him within 1-2 days, then it is better to end such a relationship, since he does not realize the pain he caused you with his action.
- Expect a sincere apology. If the chosen one really has real feelings for you, then he will immediately try to apologize to you for his betrayal. Moreover, the apology should sound convincing, and not be an analogue of “What is there to worry about?” or “It only happened once, it won’t happen again.” A partner who makes excuses for their behavior or blames you for something is unworthy of love and recognition.
- Ask yourself how reliable the person next to you is. Psychologists assure that long-term relationships are based on three pillars: reliability, confidence in the partner and his predictability. Therefore, be sure to carefully observe your chosen one after the betrayal he has committed. If he behaves openly, shows you his love and tries to make amends, then the relationship can continue. If he is secretive, shows irritability and selfishness, then it is better to end the relationship.
- Focus on the present moment. Sometimes echoes of the pain experienced prevent you from forgiving your loved one, in which case you should focus your attention on the current state of the relationship. Pay your attention to how the person is behaving right now and stop dredging up the past, constantly reminding him of the deed he committed. If you do not stop reproaching him for his betrayal, then trust will never return to your relationship and the tandem will soon cease to exist, unable to withstand the oppression of negative emotions.
How to forgive your mother's betrayal?
Mother, in every person's life, is a symbol of trust and a source of strong love. Therefore, the betrayal committed by her is regarded by the individual as a catastrophe, akin to a volcanic eruption. At such moments, an individual may lose support under his feet, become apathetic, and will not know how to live further. The following psychological recommendations will help you forgive your mother:
- Put yourself in her shoes. The first step to forgiving a parent can be understanding the true reasons that forced her to act this way and not in any other way. Perhaps she had a reason to betray you? Or was this the only correct option of all? The answers to these questions will make it easier for you to accept the offense, and therefore it will become much easier to decide to forgive.
- Make concessions. You may have hundreds of arguments about why you can’t forgive your own mother, but do you really hate her so much that you’re ready to completely renounce any connection with your loved one? If not, then give her the benefit of the doubt and try to improve the relationship despite everything. Such a step can lead you to understand her actions, and this will give a chance for trust and love to arise between you again.
- Humble yourself, forgive and move on with your life. In some cases, the best solution would be to come to terms with your mother’s betrayal, forgive her and live without looking back at the past. You may not bring your grandchildren to her house for the weekend or go shopping together, but the burden of the past will not interfere with your individual happiness. And this is already worth something.
