In one episode of the cult relationship series Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw is unexpectedly dumped by one of her many men. No explanation, just a yellow apology sticker. Even if you haven’t watched this series and are hearing about Carrie for the first time, this story has an important message: leaving without explanation is bad (poems by Brodsky or Akhmatova on a sticker still don’t count).
Yes, sometimes ending a relationship is simply necessary, for both parties. This will not only help the one who decided to leave, but will also give the other person a chance to free himself from one-sided affection in time and meet his true love.
Don't delay: better now than later
The ideal moment for a breakup will not come, so don’t get your hopes up. There is never a right time for anything in life. If everything is really bad, the rule works: “The sooner, the better.”
Give your partner the opportunity to meet a person who will truly love him.
Just let's be honest: don't drag your feet. At stake are the chances of not becoming that “goat who spent years as a sailor but never got married.” So don't let us down.
When is it time to end a relationship?
When people develop a habitual way of life, it can be quite difficult to decide on any changes.
And breaking off a relationship that has developed over a long period of time is even more difficult. After all, this is no longer the material, but the spiritual side of the issue: saving a broken soul is very difficult. Breaking up a relationship is a serious step that requires a responsible approach. It’s hard to put an end to it because the couple has developed certain obligations, developed habits and rules for living together, and accumulated common memories. To finally make sure that a relationship that was once so dear has no future and needs to end, weigh all the pros and cons. And if there are more disadvantages, then decide for yourself that this cannot continue like this, life is short and you still have time to live. The psychology of relationship termination indicates that a breakup occurs long before separation from a partner. Minor quarrels, unfulfilled expectations, lack of attention gradually build into circumstances of a more serious nature, which serve as the real reason that people separate. If you want to make sure that the relationship has reached its limit, analyze your union in terms of the following destructive moments. Factors that destroy relationships:
- You and your partner are different people with different positions in life. For example, you strive to create a family, have children or self-education, increase the family budget. And your chosen one is quite happy with everything as it is. It is convenient for him to live for himself, lie on the couch, and not bother too much at work (if he has one at all). It is convenient that you are always nearby and fulfill his whims.
- There is a lack of trust and mutual respect in your relationship. Instead, there are regular manifestations of jealousy, control of every action. And perhaps with good reason.
- Each of you lives your own life - spends time with friends, with family, without inviting your significant other with you.
- Relationships for the sake of habit: when love has long cooled down and people are together only because they spent years building a life and it’s scary to cut everything off overnight. But such a connection has not brought either joy or satisfaction for a long time. Even sexual attempts became rare and also out of habit.
- Fear of loneliness. Many women can endure humiliation and bullying due to low self-esteem and fear of loneliness. As a rule, the partner himself inspires such thoughts (“Who else would need you like that?”). Look at the situation with different eyes: loneliness does not destroy, but gives independence and freedom for everything new.
- Manipulation by a partner. It can manifest itself in different ways: endless calls and SMS with verification, the suggestion that the man is the main one in the family, and the woman should obey him, indulge in everything and not have the right to vote, etc. In general, this includes any actions that depress self-esteem and psyche and causing strong feelings. Ultimately, the woman becomes a victim and will do anything to save her family.
- And finally, the most important thing. Your partner doesn’t love you for a long time and doesn’t hide it. Periodically flavoring it with humiliation and insults directed at you. It is very painful and difficult to break off a relationship with the man you love. But you need to overcome yourself and accept the situation, since it will not change.
If your relationship fits into at least one of the categories, then rest assured that it has no future and must be ended. Not to mention such moments when your chosen one cheats on you, often uses alcohol or drugs. After all, while you are tied up in such an unhealthy relationship, life passes by - perhaps with your real companion, who will love, protect and want the same thing as you. Specific techniques will help you end a relationship with a man correctly and easily, with the help of which you can painlessly put an end to an outdated relationship.
What not to do
A story from real life. I have a very smart and very beautiful friend who dated an equally smart and handsome guy for several years. The guys could easily star in any American film about couples in love, where all the heroes and, of course, their relationships are ideal.
One day this guy was going to his friend’s bachelor party. This was not a surprise, and no one was against a weekend with friends.
The young man kissed his girlfriend before leaving and promised to miss her very much, and already from the taxi to the airport he wrote to her to look for “something” in the closet. There were no signs of trouble, and the girl happily assumed that she had been given a nice surprise.
There really was no surprise. A discreet letter was waiting in the closet, in which the guy calmly announced that he had fallen out of love and it was all over. He ordered the now ex-girlfriend to take out all her things before his return. Well, yes, he already asked a friend to feed the cat.
This is a very brutal breakup scenario. You can't do that.
Golden rules of separation: a sexologist told how to end a relationship correctly
The topic of separation remains discussed at all times, and there is still no single recipe for how to put an end to it without offending your partner. However, there are several rules, the implementation of which will help mitigate this unpleasant moment for both parties. Well-known sexologist and psychotherapist Evgeniy Kulgavchuk shared with FAN tips on how to end a relationship competently and environmentally.
“First of all, you need to understand that relationships are something shared. If, for example, one loves, and the other only allows him to love, then this is not a relationship, but a harmful hallucination that needs to be treated. If suddenly the relationship does not work out, all measures are taken to preserve the relationship, including contacting a family therapist, and a decision is made to separate, you can understand and explain that there is no future together. And sometimes, by ending a painful relationship, we end our partner’s pain. We save him from a bad life. And if this is so, then we really make his life better.
This is why I often insist on family psychotherapy for couples in crisis. This is a win-win option as they will be able to mend and mend their relationship and move on with their lives happily. Or both will finally understand that they are definitely not suitable for each other - in this case, the separation will be more environmentally friendly,” the sexologist shared his opinion.
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The expert advises that when breaking up, try not to go into detail about the reasons for such a decision. You shouldn't blame your partner to rid yourself of this feeling.
“In cases where separation occurs at high levels, with insults, defects in character, appearance, sexual attractiveness and sexual capabilities or the partner’s parental family are often mentioned. All this is unecological and dirty. Try not to trample on your past together, because you also had something good. Therefore, I usually recommend the opposite: praise your partner for his good qualities, for the time spent together, try to support him. That is, say something like this: “You and I are both good, but we are not suitable for each other, so let’s make each other’s lives better,” recommends Evgeniy Kulgavchuk.
If in response your partner tries to manipulate, threatens and behaves inappropriately, you need to try to show him that breaking up is not an insult to him. It is necessary to assure the ex-lover that he will be able to build a new relationship, he has every chance of this, the sexologist believes.
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“If it doesn’t work out, you need to seek help from a specialist. One way or another, I would not recommend abruptly ignoring your ex-partner. It is in such cases that suicides, aggressive actions against former lovers, especially while intoxicated, and even murders often occur. Therefore, if you start dating, it would be nice to learn not only how to be in a relationship, but also how to break up,” said the specialist.
There are cases, Evgeny Kulgavchuk added, when an abandoned partner offers an “open relationship,” that is, not to break up completely, but to leave, for example, sex or going to the movies together.
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“Such semi-relationships sometimes provide a chance for continuation. People sometimes begin to move away from mutual reproaches, quarrels, insults and begin to like each other again. But if one of the couple wants more, and the other one is satisfied with the “we meet, but don’t develop” level, then, of course, this format leads to nowhere.
A partner who is in such a semi-relationship is not looking for other, more promising ones. It seems to him that he has a relationship, but in reality he does not. These are the so-called eternal lovers who cannot become wives, or eternally undecided men who sometimes themselves do not know what they want. Therefore, it is important to know what you want from life, find a person who wants approximately the same thing, and work towards this goal together,” explained the psychotherapist.
In the event that there is an understanding that the goals are different, that you are not on the path, you need to be able to stop at this crossroads, wish the person happiness with all your heart, smile and move on towards your goal without looking back, because life goes on, Evgeniy summed up Kulgavchuk.
What's the best way to talk about your decision to break up?
It would seem that in a world where gadgets and social networks rule the roost, there are many good creative ways to end a relationship. Send an SMS with a sad emoticon or a sticker with a deep meaning in Telegram, change the status “In a relationship” to “Single” on Facebook, write an email with the subject “I’m leaving”, in the end! New realities and modern technologies truly offer a wide range of contexts for human communication. But it's not that simple.
Researchers of modern communications consider Migration and New Media. Transnational Families and Polymedia that people choose different types of communication (telephone, email, Skype, etc.) depending on what emotions they want to convey at a particular moment.
Maybe there is some way to use technology to break up painlessly?
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“How to end a relationship easily and correctly”
Can I limit myself to SMS?
No. No messenger can replace a live heart-to-heart conversation. Don’t forget that behind the emoticons and stickers in messages there are real people with real emotions, and the process of breaking up with you may be much more difficult for them than for you.
Respect the person you loved. Treat your partner with compassion, at least out of a sense of gratitude for everything you have experienced together.
Remember: the more seriously a person took this relationship and the more he invested in it, the more difficult and painful it will be for him that everything is over, the more difficult it will be for him to recover.
Have the courage to look your partner in the eyes and voice what is happening between you. Give thanks for everything that happened.
Maybe all is not lost? After all, sometimes over the years of a relationship feelings become a little dull and we sometimes forget how much we love someone.
In principle, there are two options for the development of events:
- You discuss problems and start doing something together to rekindle the extinguished fire.
- You act decisively and break up.
Exercise for ending relationships easily
Picture your ex-partner in your mind's eye.
Contact him with the phrase: “I’m sorry for what I met on your life’s path and did not live up to your expectations.” Repeat this phrase several times.
Then, as you exhale, release the image of your partner with the words: “Now I am ready to let you go.”
If you are unable to end the relationship on your own and let go of your ex-partner, contact me, I will help you deal with this issue.
Never humiliate anyone
Never go too far and resort to insults. If you say a bunch of nasty things to your girlfriend or boyfriend at parting, you will give her or him a bunch of complexes. However, your life will not get better from this. (By the way, if you do this, most likely you have complexes.)
Better put all the blame on yourself. Like, honey, you are very good and generally wonderful, I’m just a difficult guy with my cockroaches and will always be like that. Or say something about Prince Charming and your complex relationship with your own inner world.
Of course, we remember that in problematic relationships, both partners are always to blame. But if you decide to leave when it’s not at all expected, it’s better to say that it’s about you. This will make it easier for a partner to recover from a breakup, but do you remember that we are responsible for those we have tamed?
Why do you need to end a relationship?
Old relationships from the past take a lot of energy. You are neither here nor there. Moreover, if the relationship is not completed, it means that it will be repeated again and again with different partners in some identical way.
For example, if once a young man (your boyfriend or just a classmate, the first man) treated you with disdain, insulted, ignored, humiliated, then there is a very high probability that similar behavior will be demonstrated by all subsequent men in your life.
At the same time, you may have already worked on your self-esteem, treat yourself with care, and you are valued and respected at work. But you start dating a man, and after some time he changes, it’s as if he becomes a different person - “as if he’s been replaced.” He begins to behave the same way as the one who hurt you as a teenager.
You forgot about that event, but it affects the present. This happens because you remain internally connected to that guy.
In addition, you become emotionally tired: fewer and fewer events resonate in your heart, emotions become duller, you need something out of the ordinary or super-wow! – otherwise the event does not touch.
For example, if there is anger, then in the form of a strong outburst with hitting something; if joy is euphoric or, as they say, hysterical. In general, either everything is indifferent, or emotions are excessive. Is it really fun to live with the “everything is annoying” background mode?
A lot of strength goes into the past when the gestalt is not completed. What do you think will happen in the present? Not much. Because in order for everything to be OK now (happiness, success, family, health), strength is needed.
Therefore, my dears, let’s move on to the main issue on the agenda - how to end the relationship. And this must be done in such a way that, as a result, the past finds its place in your life, memories bring gratitude, light joy or, in extreme cases, light sadness, and energy is directed into the present.
When you leave, go away
If you decide to leave, then do it irrevocably, once and for all. Don't get your hopes up if you're just bored.
There is no need to write to your ex-girlfriend out of nowhere if suddenly it seems to you that beautiful snow has begun to fall outside the window. There is no need to send your abandoned boyfriend a photo of yourself in a swimsuit because you suddenly remembered how you went to the seaside together.
Leave him or her alone and give him or her a chance to live their own life.
Constantly appearing in the life of your ex-partner, but at the same time not wanting to be with him, is extremely selfish and not very nice of you. Love can also be an addiction. Have you ever seen alcoholics being advised to drink red wine once a week, or drug addicts being advised to take small doses of coke?
Today, contactless payments are gaining popularity. So, friends, not only payments should be contactless. The first time after your breakup should be exactly like this. Research confirms that people who stay away from ex-lovers recover faster after a breakup. But you are a good person and don’t want to harm?
How do you know if the breakup was successful?
If, after a conversation, a man’s face shows confusion, melancholy and sadness, then everything was done correctly, and this is a normal person’s reaction to a message about a breakup.
If a man smiles, it means he did not take the words spoken seriously..
Attention! In this case, it is better to leave and no longer contact your ex-partner so that he understands the fact of separation.
If a man begins to show aggression - insults, accuses, shouts, you should leave immediately, without bringing the situation to a scandal . In this case, you cannot be sure that the final point in the relationship has been reached; most likely, a repeat conversation will take place.
Important points and mistakes of partners
Of course, crazy passion or complete dissolution in another person for a long time remains the standard of a relationship, a precious memory. You, willingly or unwillingly, compare subsequent episodes with this one, let it remain a pleasant souvenir in your memory. There is no need to expect repetition or to build new life scenery around this dominant.
To behave correctly when breaking up means to think about the feelings and consequences for your partner, because it turns out that you “abandoned” him or suggested ending the relationship. You will act nobly and correctly if you forget about yourself and your worries for a while and pay maximum attention to your partner. He must feel that this is not your whim, the circumstances are stronger.
You can:
- express gratitude and appreciation for incomparable feelings;
- remember all the interesting, pleasant moments;
- articulate your amazing feelings;
- share warmth, take care of each other’s condition;
- wish you continued prosperity, good luck and happiness.
It is wrong to use general meaningless phrases like: “I feel very bad,” “you don’t understand me,” “everything is over between us.”
Undesirable:
- reproach for previous grievances and disagreements;
- demand change, set conditions;
- shift the blame for the end of the relationship;
- use confidential information against a partner.
The main mistakes of people who separate
When breaking up and after it, the main thing is to avoid mistakes in your relationship with your former chosen one. You don't need to do the following things :
- Try to contact him and remind him of yourself in personal meetings or social networks, emphasizing the uniqueness, significance and “value” that the other party has lost.
- Look for a person to take revenge on him, or succumb to pity, and cultivate a feeling of guilt in yourself for the decision to leave.
- Respond to provocations when the other partner makes attempts to make peace. It is advisable to learn to let all your ex’s comments fall on deaf ears, without reacting, and especially without swallowing someone else’s negativity like a boa constrictor, leaving it inside yourself.
- Give the scandalous person a feeling of pleasure from the development of the conflict situation.
- Get into asceticism, start feeling sorry for yourself, drink alcohol, or indulge in all sorts of bad things. Moderation in behavior and balanced decisions will help you get back to normal very quickly, without dwelling on past grievances.
- Trying to influence your ex with the help of your friends, showing suffering on social networks.
- Demand the return of gifts.
- Specifically seek communication.
- Talk about your feelings related to the breakup, or impose your love.
- Say negative things about yourself.
Directly opposite actions, the opposite of those listed, lead to the main mistakes in behavior with your ex-other half. Even if your partner left someone else for a new love, it means that this was not your person. Therefore, you should not constantly think about it while doing soul-searching.
Of course, there are cases when former close people remain friends for life, but such wisdom comes over the years, and is found only in a small percentage of sensible people, with developed self-awareness, engaged in self-development.
Where to start breaking up?
Regardless of the reasons for the separation, one of the partners must initiate a “serious conversation” that will show the prospects and results of the relationship. This is preceded by large-scale internal preparation, because until the last moment there is a chance for a revival of feelings and mutual attraction.
Before starting a breakup and a summary conversation, you must specifically understand what each person’s communicative and psychological goals are. You can communicate or block calls and correspondence, you can answer politely or create scandals. But it’s better to have a sincere date to sort out all the differences and come to a common denominator.
Make sure it's over
Very often people run away from a relationship after the first fight. But in fact, many simply do not understand how to behave in life together.
Then moments that could have been avoided if you had a deeper understanding of the psychology of a normal man would not have received the “problem” label at all.
If you are accustomed to beggars and conquerors, then the behavior of a normal man will be incomprehensible to you. Because he:
- will not meticulously pursue;
- he doesn’t have time for endless courtship;
- he is bothered by the behavior of the woman-mother;
- he talks less and does more.
It’s easier with carers and beggars. They are soft, guess the mood and adapt to it, and most importantly, they love to run after a woman with a bouquet and a teddy bear.
And in 5-10 years you will provide for your family and wonder why Irka gets a fur coat and you get tights.
If the relationship clearly cannot be restored, the scenario is different.
