Psychological violence against a woman in the family

What is psychological violence in the family: definition

According to the website of the European Institute for Gender Equality (eige.europa.eu), psychological violence is any intentional behavior that causes serious psychological harm to a person. It may take the form of coercion, defamation, verbal abuse, threats or harassment.

Emotional abuse is defined as the repeated abuse of another person's mental health and well-being through nonphysical acts, according to the American Psychological Association (APA).

The most common scenario of psychological violence against a woman occurs in family relationships, where the husband is the emotional tormentor and the wife is the victim.

For free psychological help, you can contact: Hotline for emergency psychological assistance of the Ministry of Emergency Situations of Russia: 8-499-216-50-50 Unified all-Russian helpline: 8-800-2000-122 Division of the Moscow psychological assistance service. In Ukraine : Women's Crisis Center Tel. National Domestic Violence Hotline. Tel. 0 800 500 335 or 386 from mobile.

Rehabilitation

Eliminating violence always requires comprehensive work by a psychologist with parents and children. The most effective methods are:

psychotherapy;
individual and group consultations;
trainings.

When interacting with a child, you must first achieve his favor and trust. To do this, you cannot focus on the situation, that is, say “Don’t be afraid,” “Don’t worry.” The main method of working with a child is a consultation conversation. But only a qualified specialist can carry it out.

Violence is always a stressful situation for a child, leading to psychological trauma. Accordingly, work should be aimed at eliminating psychotrauma and post-traumatic stress disorder, if it is observed. The best method is psychotherapy.

Types of psychological abuse you need to know

According to medicalnewstoday.com, psychological abuse takes many forms and falls into one of several categories depending on what the abuser is trying to do. For example:

Humiliation, devaluation, criticism
Control
Shame
Ignoring
Blame, gaslighting and denial
Emotional isolation

Let's consider the signs by which one or another type of psychological influence on a woman can be recognized.

Sign No. 7. “It’s my own fault”

A victim woman always justifies her husband’s inappropriate behavior. The phrase “it’s my own fault” comes out of her mouth with enviable regularity. If a husband did not allow his wife to meet with his friends and locked him in the bathroom, in the distorted logic of the victim, this means that he simply loves her very much. He hit - “well, he didn’t mean to, he was just so jealous that he couldn’t help himself.” I repeat once again: the victim often tries to make of his tormentor a “white and fluffy sheep” who is not guilty of anything. This approach is usually formed from childhood, when a child has to justify the verbal or physical violence of his own parents, because he loves them with unconditional love.

Signs of psychological abuse in a relationship

Humiliation, devaluation, criticism

Through harsh and merciless insults or criticism, a psychological tyrant tries to undermine your self-esteem. Here are some examples:

Labeling. You are called “stupid”, “loser”, and the child is “clueless”, “stupid” and other labels in the same spirit. In case of confrontation, the abuser passes it off as sarcasm.
Humiliating nicknames. These are not just affectionate names in relationships, but offensive nicknames under a thin mask. “My skinny match” or “My little cow” are not terms of endearment.
Reproaches and accusations using the word “always.” You are always late, make mistakes, slow down, and so on.
Screams. Insults, shouting and swearing are designed to intimidate and make you feel insignificant. May be accompanied by punching objects or throwing things.
Patronizing tone. "Honey, I know you're trying, but it's just beyond your comprehension."
Depreciation. You tell him about something important to you, and he says that it’s nothing. Rolling your eyes, smirking, shaking your head and sighing have the same purpose - to invalidate your words and feelings.
Bad jokes. With their help, the victim is portrayed as a stupid person.
Sarcasm, mockery. The goal of a psychological tormentor is to annoy, make you feel bad, and bring you to tears. And in response to your grievances, you hear accusations that you have no sense of humor and you need to stop taking everything so seriously.
Insults about appearance . They tell you that your hair is ugly, your hairstyle is ugly, and your outfits are tasteless and ridiculous.
Downplaying your accomplishments and interests. You are told that your achievements mean nothing, and they take credit for your success. Your interests are a waste of time .
Deception. You can be cheated on, if not literally, then virtually in games, watching porn films in order to hurt, humiliate or hint that you are not desirable.
Outbursts of anger. Failure to do what a man asks of you can lead to an outburst of anger on his part. After which you are blamed for all the problems, difficulties of life or misfortunes of the tormentor.

Control

Controlling behavior is a red flag in any relationship. Examples of controlling behavior include:

Threats and intimidation for the purpose of control. They threaten you that they will take your children, leave you without money, and throw you out onto the street. In this way, a person’s fears are manipulated in order to control him.
Monitoring your location. A domestic tyrant wants to know where you are at all times and insists that you answer calls or text messages immediately. He can come and check that you are really where you said you are.
You should always ask permission. A victim of psychological violence must always ask the “family dictator” for permission to go to family or friends, even if he is not at home.
Digital surveillance. Your correspondence in instant messengers, email, page visiting history, and call log are checked. At any time, it may require account passwords from your social networks or email.
Unilateral decision making. Rules and norms are constantly and roughly set for you: how much to eat, when to go to bed or wake up, what to wear and what color or style your clothes and hairstyle should be.
Financial control. Complete control over a woman’s finances and quarrels over imaginary waste. Blocking bank accounts so that a woman, humiliatingly, asks for money for what she needs, and has to account for every penny spent.
Your personal time and desire to relax are regarded by an emotional tyrant as laziness and shirking from work. Therefore, he tries to constantly add work to you.

Shame

The goal of the psychological tormentor in this case is to make the woman (children) feel shame for her shortcomings. This takes many forms, including:

Reading lectures and notations. With long monologues about your behavior, they make you understand that you are a worthless person and worse than others. The abuser constantly records and remembers a woman’s flaws, mistakes or shortcomings in order to then prick her with them, causing a feeling of shame.
Lie. An emotional tyrant can outright lie, expressing false opinions of his friends about your “bad” behavior and disrespect for them. After which you will have to make excuses for a long time and prove the opposite.
Avoiding dialogue and problem solving. In disagreements, all the blame, responsibility and responsibilities are shifted onto you, in order to then accuse you of incompetence and make you feel ashamed. It's easier for him to call you "crazy" than to solve the problem.
Simplification. You may be criticized for wanting to talk about your feelings, experiences and problems. They may shame you for having a problem or say that you are “making a mountain out of a molehill.”
Unpredictability. A psychological abuser can explode with rage out of nowhere and then suddenly shower you with love. Or he will be gloomy and sullen at any mistake you make, forcing you to walk on tiptoe and not catch his eye.
Using others. In their desire to shame the victim, the emotional abuser may say that “everyone thinks” you are stupid or “everyone says” that you are wrong.
Contempt. The family looks at the woman with contempt, showing her offensive or threatening gestures, figures, and hints.
Public ridicule of any shortcomings and secrets of a woman in front of other people. A male abuser loves to tell others about his intimate life with a woman, savoring the details. Because of this, the woman is haunted by a feeling of dirt and self-loathing.

Ignoring and opposing

Boycott or ignoring is one of the oldest and most severe types of psychological violence in the family. Because of him, a woman feels rejected, useless, and is “eaten up” by loneliness. Here are some signs of being ignored:

Demands respect. A woman is regularly accused of disrespecting a man without acknowledging the clear fact of her respect. Therefore, he believes that your perceived disrespect should not go unpunished. (We have collected several ways a woman can show her respect for a man.)
Termination of communication. He will ignore your attempts to talk in person, via SMS or over the phone. They basically avoid talking to you and discussing problems, so you feel emotionally depressed.
Dehumanization of the victim. They will turn away from you when you speak or look at something else when talking to you, but not at your eyes.
Silence. When you want to talk about your relationship, they will simply brush you off or silently ignore your words.
Indifference. He sees how bad you feel or you cry, and does nothing.
There is only “I” and that’s it. A psychological abuser tends to put his own emotional needs before yours. The victim’s feelings are ignored or deliberately not noticed, since the abuser is focused only on his loved one.
The abuser objects to everything you say. Challenges your perceptions, opinions and thoughts. Treats you like an adversary, essentially saying “no” to everything, so constructive conversation is impossible.
Denial of close affection. He won't take your hand or pat you on the shoulder. May refuse sexual relations to punish you or force you to do something.

Blame, gaslighting and denial

Because of his insecurity, the abuser wants to create a hierarchy in which he is at the top and the victim is at the bottom. Here are some examples:

Jealousy. The man is pathologically jealous and suspicious, accusing you of flirting or cheating. This leads to constant quarrels and suspicions on his part.
Shifting the blame. They try to convince the victim through insult and verbal pressure that she is constantly wrong, which causes pain to the offender. The goal is to make you believe that the tormentor is always right in everything.
Gaslighting or denial of obvious facts. This is one of the most insidious forms of psychological manipulation when the abuser tries to make you doubt your own memory and sanity. If you notice that your overt fears or memories are often dismissed as false, stupid, or far-fetched, you may be experiencing gaslighting.
Using guilt. The abuser says something like: “You owe me. Look at everything I’ve done for you, and you…”, trying to get a confession of guilt from your victim.
Incites, then accuses. The abuser knows how to make someone angry and can irritate the victim until he becomes upset. But once the problem begins, it is not he who is to blame for its creation, but the victim.
Denies his own abuse and blames others. When you complain about his attacks, the bully denies it, saying that you are the one mistreating him and he is just a helpless victim.
He says you have no sense of humor. He may make fun of you, and if you object, he will accuse you of being too sensitive and tearful because you are overreacting to a “harmless joke.” It’s sad, but a woman is more inclined to blame herself rather than the tyrant, considering her reaction to the tormentor’s jokes to be wrong.
Blames you for his problems. Everything that is wrong in his life is your fault: you do not support him enough; or do; or “they stuck their nose in the right place.” You have come to terms with the fact that a man will always get what he wants from you by any means. Therefore, you always give in, wanting to reduce the flow of discontent and insults towards yourself.

Emotional isolation

In psychological abuse, the abuser will try to make the victim feel isolated from others by any means, including:

It prevents you from communicating. Whenever you plan to go out, he distracts you or begs you not to go out.
Trying to come between you and your family. May resort to deception by telling your family that you don't want to see them or that you can't attend family events. May ridicule or belittle your family, making you feel bad about spending time with them.
Actively works to turn others against you. He will tell coworkers, friends, and even your family that you are unstable and hysterical.
Interrupts. You're on the phone or texting and he interrupts you to keep your attention on him.
Total isolation. Prohibits spending time with friends or family. Hides car or apartment keys, locking you in a room or house. Damages or breaks mobile phones and computers so that the victim cannot contact others.

Watch this video to help you recognize psychological abuse in a relationship.

What are the consequences of psychological and emotional violence in the family?

Medicalnewstoday.com states that psychological domestic violence has short-term and long-term effects on the brain and body of the victim.

Short term impact

Shame
Hopelessness
Fear
Confusion
Moodiness, aches and pains
Difficulty concentrating
Muscle tension

The longer emotional abuse continues, the longer lasting these effects may be.

Long term impact

According to research, emotional and psychological abuse can be as destructive as physical abuse and contribute to:

depression
low self-esteem
chronic fatigue syndrome
fibromyalgia
insomnia
chronic pain
panic attacks
social isolation
worries
guilt and the feeling that the torturer is right, and the victim is really “bad” or “insignificant”

According to some studies, emotionally abused children are more likely to develop toxic behavior and may choose bad relationships over healthy ones. They may also be more likely to experience emotional abuse again in adulthood. Children who are psychologically abused may develop symptoms such as:

toxic behavior
feeling of worthlessness
difficulty regulating emotions
regression
difficulty trusting others
sleep disorders
problems developing relationships with others
preferring bad relationships to healthy ones
headache
eating disorders
obesity and substance use disorders
negative thoughts
outbursts of anger
insomnia
nightmares

Moreover, the University of Rochester Medical Center claims that victims of psychological abuse develop a codependent relationship with their tormentor.

You may be codependent if:

unhappy in a relationship but afraid of the alternative
constantly neglecting your own needs for the sake of your tormentor
are willing to ignore friends and family to please their partner
for any reason, seek the approval of your tormentor
criticize yourself through the eyes of your abuser, ignoring your own strengths
making many sacrifices when your partner does not reciprocate
prefer to live in an unhealthy relationship than to be alone
always biting your tongue and suppressing your feelings to keep the peace
feel responsible and take blame for things you didn’t do
defend your abuser when others point out that he is an emotional tyrant in the family
feel guilty when you defend yourself
think you deserve this kind of treatment
believe that no one else will ever want to be in a relationship with you
You can’t leave your offender who tells you: “I can’t live without you,” so you forgive again and again and stay with him.

Sign No. 9. Men's grievances

A man constantly tells a woman “you should” or “you are to blame” and reminds her of all his grievances, in general he is often offended by little things. Usually these are people who may be capable of violence, it’s just that some of them do not show themselves right away, but life with them does not bode well.

As soon as you see that a loved one is behaving like a victim, according to the signs described above, this indicates that there is definitely a rapist nearby—even if not physical, but definitely psychological. And here it is very important to provide support. You know, when a marathon runner runs a distance, there are tables with water on his way, which he drinks in order to move on. Your communication and support, in fact, are very similar to these sips of fresh water, and, of course, they are necessary for someone who is in such a difficult situation.

How to resist psychological violence in the family

Recognizing the problem

The first step to stopping emotional abuse in a relationship is to acknowledge that it is happening. You need to be honest with yourself if you notice signs of emotional abuse. This will help you take a sober look at your own life and make reasonable decisions.

Know your rights and the long-term risks of an abusive relationship

It's true that emotional abuse is difficult to prove, but you have a right to protection, even if they refuse to help you. You, like your partner, have the right to respect. You have the right to have your own opinion and change it, even if someone doesn't like it.

You have the right to leave a destructive relationship that is threatening your mental health. And you have the right to get honest answers to your questions.

These are your rights, so don't let others convince you otherwise. It is important not to remain silent about violence by men. Firmly tell your tormentor to STOP, promising to report to the appropriate authorities if he does not stop his actions.

Stop emotional abuse of women

Understand the danger of psychological violence in family and relationships, which can lead to both physical and mental health problems. You simply cannot allow your abuser to continue to traumatize you, even if it means ending the relationship.

Realize that you cannot change a person

You cannot make a change in the heart and mind of a person who does not want to change. And you don’t have to make your partner understand that his behavior hurts you.

The one who hurts you must want to change himself, admitting that he is hurting you with his words and behavior. Even if you are inclined to defend him in some way because of a codependent relationship, do not minimize the pain that he causes you. Staying with someone who doesn’t respect you and torments you psychologically is not the kind of heroism you should strive for.

Make your safety a priority

Recognize that a person who is accustomed to emotionally tormenting others rarely changes. And mental abuse can escalate over time and lead to physical abuse. Therefore, your safety should be your priority.

Take care of your needs. Do things that help you improve your self-esteem and think positively.

Ask for help

You don't know where to turn for help? Seek professional help and guidance from a psychotherapist who will explain how to properly act in such situations. A professional psychologist will help you cope with the emotional baggage of the past and increase your self-esteem.

Talk to close friends, family, or a lawyer about your relationship and ask for their support. Tell them about what is happening in your relationship and ask for help in getting out of this situation. You can even agree on a special signal or phrase that you can send when you need help.

Spend more time with those who love and support you. This will help you feel less lonely and isolated.

Develop a care plan

If finances, children, or another valid reason prevents you from ending the relationship now, develop a plan to leave as soon as possible. Start saving money, look for a place to live after a breakup and a job to support yourself.

End the relationship

Sometimes continuing a relationship is simply pointless and cannot be saved. Therefore, try for the sake of yourself or your children and your mental health to understand whether you need to continue working on this relationship. It is unlikely that a psychological tormentor will change, especially if this is not the first time he promises this.

Don't cling to painful relationships just because you're afraid of being alone. Just think about all the pain this relationship has caused you and how much more it will cause you if you stay in it. Every person deserves respect and love, including you. Therefore, do not allow psychological pressure to continue on you.

Sign No. 8. Living with a jealous person

Pathological jealousy on the part of a man is a terrible thing. This feeling itself indicates that a person is not confident in himself. How can he get rid of this uncertainty? Of course, at the expense of the partner. Accordingly, violence is the easiest way to assert oneself, to show one’s power over someone.

Game of humiliation. What is emotional abuse? Read more

What to do after ending a relationship

Break off all contacts

Once you have ended your relationship with your abuser, do not allow him or her into your life again, under any conditions. He can admit his guilt, say that he has changed, promise that now everything will be different, but often these remain just words and empty promises. Don't let it take over your mind again.

Psychological abuse is likely to recur again, especially if he has made similar promises before.
Delete and block all contacts of this person from your phone, email, or even better, change your number.

Start recovering

Take care of your health and remember that the psychological violence against you was not your fault. No person deserves to be treated humiliatingly and humiliatingly. Which means you didn’t deserve to be treated this way.

Do what brings you joy and good mood. Walk more, relax, do fitness, start keeping a diary in which you write down the good things that happened to you that day. All this will help you recover emotionally and teach you to value yourself.

Sign No. 2. Bruises and wounds “from a cat”

Of course, not all victims of violence are ready to tell close friends and family about it. For many, it is easier not to discuss this fact and even outright lie than to admit that the problem exists. So, for example, women often hide traces of beatings, and if someone does notice them, they come up with some ridiculous, almost fantastic explanations: “the cat scratched me,” “I accidentally crashed into the door,” “I dropped the ladder on myself.” ", etc. Yes, there are injuries due to negligence, no one is insured, but if they are repeated with enviable regularity, it’s worth thinking about.

From compliments to humiliations. How to identify an abuser Read more

Causes of psychological violence against women in the family

Feelings of anger, pain, fear, or powerlessness from the offender. He may have been humiliated and emotionally scarred as a child. Therefore, he grew up as an insecure person with low self-esteem, embittered and ignorant of healthy, positive family relationships;
The emotional tyrant grew up surrounded by permissiveness, inflated self-esteem, and exaggeration of his abilities and talents. This fostered a feeling of superiority over other people, the idea that he was allowed to treat a woman as he pleased. (We recommend reading the article about perverted narcissists in relationships and their methods of influencing a woman).
Men who use domestic violence, both psychological and emotional, have a high level of personality disorders: borderline, narcissistic and antisocial personality disorder.
Using emotional pressure to control your family.
Some men believe they have the right to have unconditional sex with their partner.

Why do women endure psychological and emotional abuse?

Women tolerate and are willing to continue to tolerate mistreatment from their partners for several reasons:

They are not aware of it, especially when they grew up in a family environment where violence against the mother was the norm of the father’s behavior.
They are afraid to end the relationship, falsely thinking that the chosen one is a good person. He will be re-educated over time, but there is still no better one to be found. Therefore, most women are silent about how a man treats them.
They mistakenly think that in marriage, physical or psychological violence is the norm. And it's better than being a single woman.
Victims of psychological abuse often do not view the abuse as offensive. They deny or minimize violence to cope with stress.
Economic and housing dependence on a man
Manipulation of parental rights over children
Threats, intimidation

Answers on questions

1). Why does psychological violence occur in families and relationships?

Family violence is about power and control . By intimidating someone, the violent person maintains power and control in the relationship.

2). Is the victim of psychological violence to blame for what happens to her?

There is no excuse for emotional abuse in families and relationships . It is unacceptable and cannot be justified by feelings, family circumstances, past experiences or alcohol and drug use. The person who has been subjected to domestic violence is never to blame .

3). What is the difference between emotional and psychological abuse?

Their difference is in the factor of impact on the mental abilities of the victim. Emotional abuse affects how a person feels, while psychological abuse affects what a person thinks.

4). Can you sue someone for emotional abuse?

Courts recognize the consequences of emotional abuse as one of the types of damages that can be recovered in a civil lawsuit or criminal law. This means that you can sue your psychological abuser if you can provide evidence to support your claims.

Sign No. 1. Not only a victim

When we talk about domestic violence, which can be both physical and psychological, the woman, as a rule, acts not only as a victim, since remaining in this state would be too difficult. As strange as it may sound, she can usually also play the role of aggressor or rescuer. Let's consider a common situation in which a husband suffers from alcohol addiction and, being drunk, raises his hand against his wife. At such moments, the spouse, of course, is the victim. But in the morning, when he sobers up and begins to ask for forgiveness, a woman can play the role of an aggressor, expressing her dissatisfaction with him, reproaching him for yesterday’s behavior, or she can become a rescuer - she runs to her husband with pills and brine. The last role is the most pleasant for a woman, because it makes her feel important and important. From the outside, such changes are usually visible very clearly, i.e. at first your friend or loved one complains about her husband who behaves disgracefully, and after some time she tells how she “built” him, or saved him from debts, cured him, after a hangover, etc. If you see such sudden changes, of course, you should take a closer look at this family - most likely, there is violence there. Maybe not physical, but psychological, but that doesn’t make it any less dangerous.