How to let go of your attachment to a man - stop clinging to him, waiting, depending

• December 6, 2019
• Psychology of relationships
• Andrey Raiter

Romantic passion does not always bring people happiness and a sense of inner harmony. If feelings are unrequited or have no prospects for development for other reasons, they can bring their carrier a lot of internal experiences and anxieties, even mental illness. Both men and women find themselves in such an unpleasant situation. But in the second group, in conditions of long-term formation of love, there is a risk of deep immersion in dreams of a wonderful partner, which can ultimately develop into obsession.

Therefore, women and girls who find themselves in such a situation should rightly have a question: how not to get hung up on the man you like? It is obvious that there is intense work to be done on oneself, but initially it is necessary to set it in the right direction. Only in this case can one count on successfully resolving internal disharmony.

Features of female love affection

First, it’s worth understanding why this problem may be more acute for women than for representatives of the stronger half of humanity. The difference lies in the very mechanics of the formation of love. For men, this process happens faster, easier and simpler, since they take everything into their own hands, like conquerors. In addition, the male sex, as is known, “loves with his eyes,” so feelings for his beloved usually do not have a tight connection in the early stages. Accordingly, it is easier for them to let go of the object of love.

In the case of women, the process of forming feelings is more complex and multifaceted. They feel their partner more subtly, trying to evaluate him by his internal qualities and actions. Therefore, the value of the feeling that arises also increases. And if a woman is fixated on a man, then parting with an attachment that has developed for so long and difficultly will be much more difficult. That is why, at the first signs of a feeling of hopelessness in a love story, it is recommended to immediately begin working on the natural destruction of the slightest dreams about the partner you like.

Distinctive features of obsessions

Obsessions born in the patient’s mind are endowed with the following distinctive features:

• arise involuntarily, against the will of the patient;
• presence of clear consciousness;
• thoughts do not disappear under the volitional influence of a person;
• have no connection with the individual’s thinking, being born detached;
• have a close connection with the emotional background;
• do not affect the logic of thinking, do not distort the intellectual level;
• maintaining criticism of obsessions.

The emotional turmoil of obsessive-compulsive disorder is so intense that it can cause problems with perception. Tactile, gustatory, and olfactory hallucinations often occur. In severe cases, illusions and visual hallucinations occur.

Long-term, deep obsessions can modify personality traits. A person becomes suspicious, indecisive, and fears everything. Self-doubt and shyness appear.

Recognizing fixation in the early stages

Being inspired by the pleasant feeling of falling in love is quite natural for all people. But as soon as it turns into a painful concentration of attention on the object of love, this is the first sign that the emotional attachment to the person needs to be broken.

A woman in such a state may strive for constant control over a man, demand increased attention from him to herself, and at the same time ignore the personal interests of her partner. What is also important: her life in various manifestations loses its relevance and fades into the background. How not to get hung up on a man at this stage? If little time has passed, it makes sense to simply exclude such a person from your attention. A sober look at assessing the situation will help with this.

You will gain emotional independence

Many people are interested in new passions of former partners. About five years ago, I could spend hours looking at photos of Lenochek, Anechek and Olenek on social networks (for some reason they all had affectionate nicknames), comparing them with myself and looking for flaws in them. Over time, increased interest gave way to lazy curiosity.

So if a few years ago you were crazy about someone you don’t care about now, then today’s jealousy will turn into indifference. I don’t react so painfully to ex-boyfriends’ girlfriends anymore. And some of them I even consider cute.

Fixing the problem

As soon as signs of obsession with a person have been recorded, the first thing you should do is confront yourself with the fact that there is a problem. Already by this moment you need to realize that life essentially began to belong to your lover, and this does not promise happiness. One can only expect vain sacrifice from such a relationship. In addition, a partner can take advantage of this position of a woman who has fallen in love with him for selfish purposes, which should also be thought about.

And again it’s worth returning to the question of how to stop obsessing over a man? The psychology of relationships suggests that such attachment can be compared to a severe bad habit, the craving for which is constantly fed. Without your loved one, there is a feeling of withdrawal, like a hangover, so you shouldn’t prepare for the easy way out. Further work will be hard, but it must be done first of all for your own sake.

First doesn't mean best

The importance of something first is overestimated. In Andre Maurois's story "Seasonal Flowers," the main character, university professor and literary critic Etienne Carlu, takes flowers to the grave of his deceased wife every Thursday. He vowed to remain faithful to her and does not believe that he will be interested in another woman.

But one day, at the same cemetery, Etienne meets a charming young widow, and a friendship begins between them. A new acquaintance reads the books that Etienne recommends to her, and he, in turn, is pleasantly surprised by the maturity and depth of her judgment. So the hero Maurois unexpectedly experiences feelings again and involuntarily notices that this girl suits him more than his departed wife.

Give free rein to feelings

Trying to completely lock yourself in a cocoon of experiences will be wrong. Since fixation on a man is in itself a powerful source of energy, it needs to be released with the same force. Concentrated feelings of pain, resentment and even anger should be released. The best way to do this is through tears, screams and even hysterics. Moreover, this must be done intentionally and regularly. This outburst of emotions is necessary to make room inside for new feelings and sensations.

If you are fixated on a man and feel only bright emotions towards him, this is a reason to look for negative aspects associated with him. They will definitely be found and they need to be emphasized, as well as pleasant moments, because of which there is a feeling of loss of one’s happiness.

Four types of dependent relationships

The main reason for love addiction is extremely low self-esteem. It is expressed in the absence of one’s own desires and goals, dependence on the opinions of other people, the inability to refuse a loved one and the fear of loneliness.

Psychologists divide dependent relationships into 4 types.

Dissolution: dependent relationships of the “I don’t exist without you” type

With this type of love addiction, a woman completely dissolves in her partner, lives his life and interests, puts his needs and values ​​at the forefront, forgetting about what she wants and desires.

She perceives a man’s opinion about herself as the ultimate truth, which completely neutralizes her as a person. The same one usually sees only vices and shortcomings in her.

Often such a woman patiently endures humiliation, beatings, threats and betrayals of her loved one.

Absorption: dependent relationships of the “I know better how to” type

This type of dependence on a man is similar to the relationship between dad and child. “Dad” decides for “daughter” what she should look like, who she should communicate with, what she should do. He is the one who knows how to do it and what is best.

A man absorbs and crushes a woman under himself, justifying his control and excessive care with love and care.

As a result, she completely loses her independence and (as in dissolution relationships) is ready to forgive her partner for any inappropriate behavior.

Destruction: dependent relationships of the type “I am your master, you are a nonentity”

This type of dependent relationship is characterized by the ruthless use by the “master” of his “slave,” over whom he has unlimited power.

A man, like a real puppeteer, controls a woman’s reactions and actions, methodically destroying her self-esteem and psyche through manipulation and violence.

The “slave” is told that she is insignificant, stupid, ugly, sick in the head, and therefore is not capable of taking responsibility for her actions.

Mirror: dependent relationships of the “You must love me” type

In such relationships, the woman performs the function of a mirror - she reflects to the man his beautiful image. In other words, he admires, cherishes, cherishes, solves his problems, provides him with love, treats him “correctly”.

He appeals to a woman’s best feelings, clings to pity, throws hysterics, uses blackmail to gain her attention and dog-like devotion. If he doesn’t like something, he demonstrates icy indifference and ruthless criticism.

On the subject: Ideal relationship: dream or reality? Analysis of your situations. Part 4

Keeping your distance

After processing your emotional state, you can begin to take specific actions towards your lover. For example, how not to get fixated on a man if he is in the access zone and does not avoid contact? The first thing to do is remove all possible contact paths. The more direct connections there are, the stronger the need to think about it.

At the same time, indirect irritants that will remind you of the person you like should also be eliminated. If there are gifts, things, photographs and other items that are directly associated with the object of love, it is also recommended to get rid of them.

This recipe may seem cruel, but you can’t do without it. Memories are the very fuel for illusory plans for a happy future that will not happen. Moreover, in questions about how not to get hung up on a man with whom you have already had a relationship, a dilemma regarding the possibility of friendship often comes up. For many women, friendships seem to be the optimal and painless way out of such situations. There will be no more love attachment, but there will not be a complete break either. However, this approach is also undesirable. As psychologists' studies show, a friendship within which there is sympathy on at least one side will interfere with both in building other relationships.

OCD

The clinical picture of obsessive-compulsive disorder consists of obsessive thoughts and actions that arise regardless of the person’s will. They cause a lot of inconvenience, sometimes completely disrupting the normal existence of an individual. The patient tries to eradicate annoying thoughts through obsessive actions, ultimately forming a vicious circle.

Along the way, there are 3 forms of the disorder :

• episodic – occurs once, but lasts from several weeks to several years;
• chronic – constant course, with exacerbations and remissions;
• progressive – with increasing symptoms.

The disorder is characterized by the constant presence of stubborn thoughts that provoke anxiety. They are followed by mastering actions - rituals designed to reduce the anxiety coefficient. They bring relief for a few minutes, and it seems that the anxiety has gone away. This feeling is deceptive, since obsessions soon return. The patient again begins to feel insurmountable torment against his will.

People with OCD suffer greatly from their persistent thoughts and try to resist them, which is unsuccessful. A classic example is a situation where a person is constantly overwhelmed by thoughts about the possibility of contracting a terrible infection. Fearing this, the individual looks for ways to avoid such a fate: he washes his hands often, wipes door handles with antibacterial wipes. Wears a mask in crowded places. Vegetables and fruits are washed with soap and water, very carefully, greens are washed on each sheet.

The disorder manifests itself in several variations:

• the presence of exclusively obsessive thoughts - obsessions;
• the presence of exclusively obsessive actions - compulsions;
• mixed option.

With OCD, the patient must have at least one obsession. He realizes that the exciting impulse is his own, not inspired from the outside. Annoying thoughts and actions are unpleasant in nature - this is an important sign of a disorder.

Compulsions are draining. After performing the ritual, the patient feels exhausted. In the case when repeated actions do not become exhausting or painful for their carriers, OCD is excluded.

Obsessions take at least an hour a day from a person. In other cases, they are so disorganizing that the individual loses the opportunity to engage in professional activities, abandons his studies, stops communicating with friends, and turns into a social phobe.

Obsessions are persistent and repetitive. The patient understands their absurdity, tries to ignore them, replace them with other thoughts, provoking the progression of the process.

Mikhail, 26 years old. Since childhood, there was an unfavorable situation in the family: parents often quarreled, the father physically abused the mother. The boy was constantly afraid of doing something wrong, which is why he had to check what he had done several times.

His disorder first appeared in 3rd grade. There was an annoying, exhausting urge to perform any action four times: wash your hands, pull the door when checking a locked apartment. Leaving the home, he returned several times, checking whether he had turned off the appliances and water.

The guy realized the painfulness of the situation. Meanwhile, the disease progressed. The rituals took more and more time. Having folded his briefcase in front of school, Mikhail then double-checked several times that he had put everything in it. He placed objects on the table and desk in a certain sequence. It was necessary to touch each one several times. Along the road I followed a certain trajectory. Having passed a certain section, I turned around to check if I had dropped anything.

Children at school laughed at him for his strange behavior, which is why the boy soon began to avoid people.

The usual age of the disease is 10-30 years. There are no more restrictive frameworks for the manifestation of the disease. Obsessive-compulsive disorder occurs regardless of social status, economic level, gender and race. A certain problem is the fact that patients seek help in a rather advanced state. It takes 5 or more years from the onset of the disease before the patient consults a specialist.

Ways to relieve pain

So, all contacts are deleted and life is organized in such a way that the object of affection will no longer remind of itself with its appearance, voice and messages. There is no need to look for new meetings, thoughts about which will still arise.

There will be fewer reasons to think about him, but the internal pain still lives and, perhaps, will increase due to the breakup. How not to get hung up on a man, but at the same time soften the pain of losing him completely? It is necessary to speak out and talk through your experiences. If in the first stages we were talking about an emotional outburst, then in this case it is necessary to express specific feelings associated with the current situation.

You can use a personal diary as a tool for pouring out your soul, regularly writing down in it those feelings that haunt you. But it’s even better if you have the opportunity to tell close friends and girlfriends about what’s happening. Such conversations do not fundamentally change the situation, but they improve the psychological state.

Compulsions

Compulsive disorder refers to obsessive actions and rituals, as well as mental acts. Such manipulations are so persistent that the patient is confident that he is obliged to perform them. The purpose of compulsions is to reduce the anxiety generated by obsessions.

After performing the rituals, the patient feels better for a while, but soon the impulses resume. If he does not commit a compulsion, he feels depressed. It is necessary to repeat the ritual in a certain sequence, a fixed number of times. The interrupted action begins again, always being completed.

The girl noted that if she ignores performing the compulsion in an appropriate manner, she feels dirty. On such a day, she is deprived of the opportunity to do important things, even just work.

As a result of non-fulfillment of compulsions, anxiety increases until the rituals are finally performed. Criticism towards “impudent” impulses remains. There is an understanding of the futility of what was done, but it is impossible to refuse obsessive actions. Patients carefully hide their inclinations from others.

Compulsive actions often result from obsessions, especially if the latter act as phobias. Intrusive fears are the most alarming group of obsessions, inevitably accompanied by physiological symptoms.

Common phobias:

• pollution – mysophobia;
• contract a fatal disease - nosophobia. Most often develop due to AIDS, stroke, heart attack, cancer, syphilis;
• fear of fear - phobophobia;
• fear of everything - panphobia;
• death – thanatophobia;
• open spaces - claustrophobia;
• pain – algophobia;
• fear of blushing – ereytophobia;
• darkness – nyctophobia;
• stuffiness – clitrophobia;
• fear of lying – mythophobia;
• fear of increasing speed – siderodromophobia;
• Confidence in imaginary ugliness - dysmorphophobia.

Other annoying urges are associated with magical thinking. The patient believes that trouble will happen to his loved ones if he does not snap his fingers the prescribed number of times, go around cracks in the asphalt, or turn around on his own axis.

Compulsive acts can occur in isolation, independent of intrusive thoughts. Habitual obsessive acts include:

• cleansing from contamination - washing hands, wiping surfaces. Sometimes they become extremely absurd - the patient wipes tables with alcohol to kill germs or washes in the shower for 2-3 hours several times a day;
• check to dispel doubts - before leaving the house, the man checked the gas stove 30 times;
• counting in different variations - reproducing any actions a certain number of times (when passing a wall, you need to touch it 4 times). Obsessive counting to a set number. Girl, 20 years old. Seeing a piece of paper, the patient is visited by an obsessive impulse: to tear the paper into small pieces. First, the girl tears the sheet into 3 parts. Then each part into 3 more parts. This continues until the paper is torn into tiny particles, the number of which is a multiple of 3. At work, where the girl cannot afford to tear the paper, she runs her tongue across the roof of her mouth 3 times or in a multiple of 3. The patient explains that 3 for her the magic number is that she had three suitors, each of whom left her and married another;
• arranging items - laying out clothes in a fixed pattern, arranging items on the table.

Compulsions can develop on a wide variety of topics: a girl, going out into the street, always said goodbye to the house, believing that otherwise he would be offended. I looked in the mirror until I was finally satisfied with my image. She apologized to the walls when she touched them.

One patient may have a combination of different numbers of obsessions and compulsions. The disorder may debut with one obsession, gradually acquiring others.

The girl’s OCD manifested itself at the age of 16 with an annoying urge to tap objects before leaving the apartment. Then the patient began to step over cracks in the asphalt. She rearranged objects, changed their places until they fell into place. I determined the place for the item intuitively.

How to fill life without your beloved man?

The next step will be practical activities aimed at changing lifestyle or habits. How not to get hung up on a man if all your attention is focused only on him for a long time? These thoughts can be crowded out by specific regular activities, work, hobbies, hobbies, and spending leisure time with the same friends. During this period, you cannot stay in a confined space without any distracting ways to spend your time. If such classes have never happened before, this is a great reason to start them. A busy life with all its worries and tasks will help take attention away from your lover.

Causes

People with OCD have serotonin dysfunction. Serotonin is one of the neurotransmitters in the brain. It performs various functions, one of which is to bring joy. It is also called the “good mood hormone.” If the production of serotonin is disrupted, the process of transmitting impulses between neurons in the brain deteriorates. This occurs due to pathological changes in the following sections:

• basal ganglia;
• amygdala;
• caudate nucleus;
• frontal cortex.

In turn, these changes can be triggered by the following factors:

• Genetic predisposition. Specific genes are responsible for the production and distribution of serotonin. If their mutation occurs, the risk of developing OCD increases.
• Autoimmune causes. Infections, most often group A streptococcal infections, such as tonsillitis or scarlet fever, can lead to the disorder.
• Purchased. First of all, we are talking about injuries, including birth injuries, as well as defects associated with trauma.
• Perfectionism. This character trait, which consists of striving for perfection, can lead to obsessions associated with cleanliness and order. Perfectionism itself is often a consequence of excessive demands placed on the child by parents.

In a person with OCD, the brain is constantly in an agitated state. He does not receive signals that would force him to calm down or find pleasure. To relax a little, you have to perform rituals.

Searching for new love

Due to the instability of the emotional state in the first time after a breakup, it is not recommended to immediately start a new relationship. In this state, it is impossible to build a full-fledged love relationship, since the partner will have to deal with problems that do not concern him. However, this step is something to keep in mind if you're fixated on a man. How to get rid of the feeling of inadequacy and inferiority that will certainly arise if a man does not reciprocate? Of course, only a new partner will help with this, whose love will become a kind of healing factor. But, again, you should open up to new love relationships some time after the old man has been crossed out.

Differences from neurosis

The symptoms of neurotic schizophrenia are similar to those of neurosis. The following criteria allow us to differentiate the diagnosis:

• Neurosis occurs after a strong psycho-emotional shock or as a result of prolonged stress. Schizophrenia can develop for no apparent reason.

• Neurotics are aware of the disease, they understand that they need to seek help. Schizophrenics do not see strangeness in their behavior. As a rule, they are brought to the appointment by relatives.
• Neurosis causes great inconvenience in personal life and at work, but it does not affect the sense of personality. Schizophrenia, even if it is sluggish, leaves an imprint on personal qualities, often leading to their complete collapse.
• Neurosis is successfully treated, and completely. Pseudoneurotic schizophrenia responds well to treatment, but the diagnosis remains forever. A person will have to take medications and engage in prevention throughout his life.

Now let's move on to the specific symptoms of neurosis-like schizophrenia. Some of them are included in the symptoms of OCD.

Treatment

OCD is treated with psychotherapy. To relieve symptoms, that is, anxiety, mild sedatives may be prescribed. Antidepressants are used only as a last resort. After eliminating the factor that provoked the disorder and the main symptoms, the patient returns to normal life.

Even with an unfavorable outcome, OCD cannot develop into schizophrenia, since these are two diseases of different origin. One is neurosis, and the second is psychopathology.

Schizophrenia requires long-term treatment. Moreover, it continues throughout life, even if the symptoms no longer bother you. This does not mean that you will have to stay in the hospital and take medications until your death, but you will need to be observed regularly by a psychotherapist and psychologist.