How to let a person go: advice from psychologists and symptoms of pathology

Breaking up is a great chance to improve your life, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. At the moment it can be painful, scary, it is unclear how to continue to live without a loved one. In a sense, close people literally grow into our personality and parting becomes akin to losing a part of ourselves. Common interests, memories, plans, ideas, deeds, hopes, perception of oneself in the context of another person - all this will have to be abandoned.

This part can be pulled out at once, it can be dissolved little by little - fortunately, there is plenty of advice on the Internet, but I want to talk to you a little about something else, which, in my opinion, is much more important than specific techniques, letters of gratitude, meditation and other popular advice from psychologists. About how to go through the difficult path of separation with dignity and emerge from history as a completely different person. Stronger, more attractive. A person who is able not to break down, not to get stuck alone, but to make his next romantic story better.

Therefore, since you find yourself in such a difficult situation, let’s figure out how to get out of it with minimal losses and maximum benefit for yourself in the future.

Why is it so important to accept and realize

Lovers may not understand why they should let go of an unhappy love forever. They believe that through persistence and subtle manipulation, an unhappy union can be corrected. Disadvantages of such attempts:

Manipulation rarely leads to healthy relationships.
Fruitless efforts and wasted time are the cause of self-pity and dissatisfaction with life.
Obsession will irritate a man. He may start to disrespect the girl. This will lower her self-esteem.
Humiliation leads to depression and nervous breakdowns.
By devoting yourself to an indifferent person, you can lose interest in your destiny. Problems will arise (lack of work and friends).

Healthy relationships provide positive emotions, not destroy them. Everyone deserves mutual feelings.

Practice from Jack Macania “Liberation from addiction”

The following exercise will be useful to anyone who has a painful experience of separation and does not know how to forgive and let go of a person.

Practice helps to cut the connection and stop experiencing negativity.

Let's get started:

Find a quiet place, take a comfortable position.
Close your eyes and imagine a theater scene. On it stands the person who hurt you.
Introduce yourself. You are standing on a hill or floating in the air.
Look carefully at the person. What does he look like? Describe it to the smallest detail.
Now feel the depth of your emotions towards him. The sensations should be as acute as possible.
Visualize the connection between you. How does she look? Perhaps it is thread, rope, cord or plastic tube? In what places are you connected to each other? This could be the area of the neck, abdomen, heart, arms, legs, throat, etc.
Stay in this state.
Now think about what qualities you and this person lack to make the connection less painful (at the moment)? Perhaps responsibility, love, patience, inner strength, confidence or something else? List all the resources you think are needed.
At the next stage, imagine that above the stage there is a certain source that contains absolutely all qualities (God or another Higher Power).
Ask him to give you everything you need. Feel how you are one by one filled with all the necessary resources. Feel it with every cell of your body.
Visualize how resources fill the other person through the communication channel between you. Give him the opportunity to nourish himself.
After that, take a closer look at the person. How has he changed? Has your facial expression, gestures, posture, facial expressions changed?
Talk to a person if you need it. Ask for forgiveness, even if it was he who offended you. Realize that in some way he taught you a lesson, became a teacher for you.
Break the connection. You can cut it with a sword, cut it with scissors, or do it with your hand. Record in your memory a picture of how you and that person look free.
Return to normal.

Note. Practice allows you to cut even old connections. This usually requires a one-time execution, but can be repeated several times if necessary.

No matter how much we love a person, at some point we need to be able to let him go. Each of us has our own tasks, our own destiny. Sometimes you shouldn't resist something new. You just need to let go of the reins and trust the flow.

Olga, St. Petersburg

How to act to let someone go

To let a man go from your life, you need to engage in self-development. The emotions that a loved one gave can be received from many sources (hobbies, sports, art, helping the disadvantaged).

If the reason for the breakup is life circumstances

It is important to thank the person. The gap is the acquisition of experience. You need to learn to see mistakes and improve for the sake of future love. If the experience brought only suffering, this is a reason to no longer become attached to unworthy individuals. Through love failures, a person learns to build relationships competently.

You need to say goodbye to your ex-partner in stages. Having missed one step, a person will face it in the future. Farewell stages:

Release emotions (tears, screaming, eating ice cream). You can describe your experiences on a sheet of paper.
They come to terms with the inevitability of separation.
They forgive a person.
They thank you and wish you happiness.
They don’t allow “soul-searching” and don’t look for the culprits. If you want to engage in self-flagellation, you need to immerse yourself in interesting work.
They carry out exclusion (throw away association things, delete a partner on social networks).
They change their appearance (improving their figure, choosing a new hairstyle). This will distract you and increase your self-esteem.
Having “thrown away” a person from the soul, from the heart, you need to fill the temporary void (courses, art, a new pet). Apathy is natural. It is important not to close yourself down, but to overpower yourself. Interest in people and life will gradually return.
They fulfill their dreams and reward themselves with gifts.
They plan for the future (draw a wish map).
After “cooling down,” they analyze what the unsuccessful union taught them (without embellishing). Honestly write down the pros and cons of the relationship with this partner.

Some lovers recover in a month, others take a year or more. The body knows how to survive in difficult situations, you need to give it time. You can’t revel in pity, think about loneliness and lack of prospects. This will prolong the suffering.

If he's no longer alive

Many refuse to accept the injustice of what happened. Coming to terms with a loss often takes years. People “communicate” with the deceased as if he were nearby. They subconsciously expect that the deceased will come back. It is important to convince yourself of the need to move on with your life.

You need to think about your loved ones who need love and attention. They also lose a loved one. It would be painful for the deceased to see his other half wither away. It's worth living for. Orthodoxy believes in the eternal life of the soul. The spirit of the deceased went to a happier world, only the body died. It is worth praying for your loved one.

You can discuss what happened with the priest. Pour out your fears and pains to the holy father. You can't hide your thoughts. Calm discussion and wise words from the priest contribute to healing. And at home you need to immerse yourself in worries and favorite work.

If it's all treason's fault

If your loved one has found a new passion, you need to accept what happened and distance yourself from the cheater. This way the girl will maintain her dignity and be able to begin her recovery. A cheater is an irritant who prolongs suffering. According to statistics, 80% of men cheat. Only 20% of girls can consider themselves lucky.

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Why I don’t have a boyfriend: reasons for loneliness and ways to get rid of it

To “throw” a person out of your thoughts, you should relax in another part of the world. And if this is not possible, you can start visiting galleries, theaters or just taking a walk. The pain will periodically be forgotten. And over time it will subside. It is useful to meet cheerful, “easy” people. And sometimes I talk to my friends and my mother. Through sobbing, the body eliminates negativity. This will create room for new feelings and happiness.

To let go of your husband and move on with your life, you need to transform your appearance. Compliments and admiring glances will strengthen self-esteem. It’s worth changing your wardrobe and making your old ideas come true. These measures will help you survive the peak of the emotional crisis. Once you come to your senses, you can engage in reflection. It is important to determine the reason for the betrayal.

If infidelity is natural for him, he should avoid similar men.

In case of unrequited love

People manage to become attached to the object of their adoration. Therefore, the same advice from a psychologist as for a breakup is appropriate:

They convince themselves that even couples in love experience crises and problems. Love does not bring eternal happiness.
Get rid of illusions. The brain is sure that only with this guy can one find happiness. Although a person can only make himself happy.
They stop idealizing the chosen one. Reality is always different from fantasy.
They break off contact with their lover.
Enjoying solitude. They remember hobbies that they should have forgotten about. Looking for new hobbies.
They try to be active (visit different places, get to know each other). It's worth using the apps.
They do. Unhappy love is the reason for the appearance of cult works.

Don't indulge in fantasies in which the guy will fall in love with the girl after these changes. This rarely happens. It is better to be inspired by dreams of new gentlemen.

If your lover has a family

Stories in which a man abandoned his legal wife are rare. It is important to understand why your loved one continues to date his mistress. He may be comfortable spending time with two ladies. The wife performs the function of a second mother: she feeds and takes care. The man is attached to her in his own way. And the role of a mistress is to please with appearance and distract from routine. A second woman is needed for passion and romance. A man may think that his mistress is satisfied with everything.

It is necessary to explain to your loved one. You need to speak softly, without applying pressure. You can name a specific date when the relationship will be terminated (if he does not leave his wife). And if the chosen one does not agree to a divorce, he will have to be a “spare” girlfriend all his life.

You should not count on the role of a second wife, taking care of him and counting his earnings. This will irritate a married man, because he goes to his mistress to take a break from everyday life. You need to maintain self-respect and independence. You won't be able to compete with your spouse. If he is satisfied with family relationships, there are reasons for this.

End of friendship

Friendships are sometimes more stable than romantic relationships. Having become friends in childhood, friends can meet old age together, having managed to change more than one husband or wife throughout their lives.

Despite such strong bonds, even friendship cannot withstand loud quarrels and the force of distance. Conflicts give rise to resentment, and distance deprives people of common topics of conversation and the opportunity to diversify communication.

Understanding

If your friendship is threatened by events beyond your control, then you can simply talk about it with your friend. He is not a fool, and therefore he will understand that, for example, if you move to another place, you will no longer be able to see each other every day, watch movies together and go to parties.

Don't end your communication too abruptly. Text and sometimes call each other, tell them the news. Over time, you will find new friends, new hobbies. Because of this, your communication with your old friend will be significantly reduced.

But don’t worry, this is quite normal, because everything happens exactly the same for him. The best part is that your friendship cannot be called completely finished.

Even if you meet this person even after a few decades, you will not pass by, but hug, laugh and remember the old times with warmth.

Changes

All people change and develop, you and your friend are no exception. It may happen that at some point you begin to look at a variety of issues completely differently - from politics to raising children.

Strong disagreements can lead to quarrels and conflicts, which will call into question future friendships. It will be possible only with the great desire of two people to meet each other halfway. It's a pity, but this happens too rarely.

Remember: you don't have to think and act like your friend. You can remain in conflict endlessly, or you can simply call your ex-friend for a conversation and end everything once and for all.

Explain to him that you have become too different people and that is normal. Your differences keep you from relaxing and having as much fun as you did before. You don't need conflicts and enemies, you are two strong personalities who respect each other.

It is respect that can save your situation. No, it cannot make you friends, but it will protect you from insults and coldness from your former friend.

Advice for Believers

To let go of a loved one, you must adhere to three ascetic rules. The first rule is called “quarantine”. You should break the connection with the cause of the “disease” - your loved one. You cannot see other “infected” people (lovers). Rules will be effective only in combination with humility, which eliminates imagination - the main ally of passion.

The second rule has military roots and is called the “law of white robes.” Before a battle, a drill inspection is always carried out: the condition of the uniform, shoes and shoulder straps is checked. An impeccable appearance helps to mobilize the spirit. Human resources are activated.

The last rule is called the "citadel". This is the most protected part of the fortress, to which they flee in times of danger. In a spiritual sense, this is the most closed and personal area of the human soul. A person should not share this secret place with anyone, even with his closest relatives. Every soul is born and dies alone. The spiritual citadel contains cherished desires that should not be discussed with anyone. From here prayers to the Creator sound. Here they comprehend their mission in the world. In order not to suffer, you need to find a spiritual citadel and fulfill your highest goal.

Sequencing

It is very difficult to immediately get your loved one out of your head. The process must be gradual

You need to realize that the advice of a psychologist is very useful now. You must understand that you are not the first to encounter such a situation. Your life does not end with a breakup. If you really want to cry, give it some time, for example, a week. Then pull yourself together and begin to act in accordance with these instructions.

Don't even try to look for meetings with your lover.
Get rid of anything that might remind you of your ex. The same applies to your joint things. If they are expensive, put them somewhere far away for a while.
Erase all contacts, delete his number from your phone, remove him from your list of friends on a social network.
Reassess your values. Write down on a piece of paper all the shortcomings of your ex-lover, including actions that caused you indignation. Take another piece of paper and write a list of your advantages. Look at both pieces of paper and realize that you deserve more. Left without this person, your life will only get better.
The next step is planning your future. It is desirable that serious changes occur. Realize that you now have more time at your disposal and have the opportunity to fulfill your needs.
There is no need to rush into a new relationship to make it easier to forget. It's better to take a break for spiritual peace. Just don’t become a recluse and avoid any communication with people of the opposite sex. Flirting will be quite appropriate, but you don't need to go too far.

Cleansing the subconscious with meditation

People are afraid to go through the pain of a breakup again, so they try to overcome any passions within themselves. Without feelings, fate will be boring. It is worth doing meditation, which will eliminate the fear of new love:

Sit comfortably in a quiet room.
Concentrate, close your eyes. Mentally they search for where the capacity for romantic feelings is located.
After finding this point, they fixate on it.
Imagine how light emanates from it. Direct it to your favorite animal or loved one.
There will be a desire to perform noble deeds and help loved ones.

By doing the exercise daily, you will notice that, instead of resentment, love for people grows in your soul.

When you can't hold your loved one

You don’t need to keep a person next to you who doesn’t love you or is an open egoist

If you love, it is very difficult to let go of your loved one. People begin to make any attempts to get their partner back. In some cases, this is indeed appropriate; attempts may be successful. But in some situations no. These include the following signs:

your partner does not trust you;
the other half has no reciprocal feelings;
partners are connected exclusively by intimate intimacy;
the beloved is an obvious egoist.

How to understand that you can’t do without the help of a specialist

Love addiction is a pathological dependence on a partner. Psychologists consider this condition to be as dangerous as drug addiction or alcoholism. In pop culture, the painful feeling is called true, fatal love. Girls dream about psychological dependence; art glorifies it. Those who experience this disorder suffer from depression. They destroy themselves and their families and become antisocial.

You cannot romanticize or cultivate painful experiences. It is important to notice pathological behavior in time and immediately go to a psychologist. Symptoms of love addiction:

Obsession. All goals, thoughts and emotions are connected only with the object of adoration. The addict panics and yearns for his partner if he doesn’t see him for several minutes.
Exaggeration. A dependent person sees the meaning of life in their partner. Believes that he will die without a chosen one.
Possessiveness. Jealousy of everything: friends, relatives, work, and even military service. The dependent girl does not believe that the guy is forced to serve.
Gluttony. A person begs for more and more “proofs of love.” Pursues the partner, “suffocates” with care.
Intolerance of loneliness. A man threatens to die without his loved one. There are no interests, friends or hobbies.
Total control. Attempts to suppress a person's independence.
Instability. Uncontrollable emotions, anguish. This leads to scandals, tears, threats.
Dependence on conflicts, emotional shocks.
Increased anxiety. A person painfully expects problems. He provokes them himself to relieve tension.
Thinking through. The addict looks for signs of his partner’s indifference. Tries to justify the bad actions of a loved one.
Self-destruction, apathy. Reluctance to develop, to live fully.
Psychosomatic illnesses as an attempt to attract the attention of a loved one.
Willingness to endure violence if only the chosen one would remain nearby.
Manipulation. A person plays on a partner’s feelings of guilt and blackmails him. Sex manipulation.
The illusion of true love. The belief that all of the above is true love. And healthy relationships are superficial and boring.
Inability to let go of your ex-partner, keeping an eye on him. Such a person is mentally a thing of the past.

The most important thing is to let go of hopeless relationships in time and move on. Many people have experienced this condition. It's worth being patient and making an effort.

End of life

No one can be prepared for the passing of a loved one. When this happens, the world seems to lose its bright colors, and time moves infinitely slowly. The period of grieving for a deceased loved one is called mourning, and its duration varies depending on culture.

In Ancient Greece, after the death of her husband, a woman wore black for the rest of her life unless she met a new man. In Ancient Rome, mourning lasted up to 10 months.

In our culture, strict mourning goes up to 40 days. But are some numbers really capable of erasing the memories and pain of thinking about the deceased?

Personal mourning

The purpose of ritually dressing in black and remembering the deceased is to pay tribute to him. You nobly affirm the bright memory of your loved one, accepting the idea of the reality of what is happening. But is it so easy to come to terms with his death psychologically?

If 40 days were not enough for you to come to your senses and even after many months you are still in a broken state, you need to conduct your own personal mourning.

There is no need to wear black and put a picture of a candle on your screensaver. Do something special in the name of the deceased - make a pilgrimage, go on a trip, build a house or extension, paint a portrait or compose a song.

As you create such things, they absorb your feelings and therefore become special and lighten your emotional burden.

Help from others

Sometimes people connect the meaning of their life so much with another person that after his death they feel superfluous and unnecessary in this world. This is typical for mothers who have lost their children and childless women who have lost their husbands.

If this description is similar to your condition, you will not be able to cope with it on your own. You have moved too far from this world, because your thoughts are there: with your departed children or husband. You need real people who will bring joy back into your life.

How to forget a person and stop thinking about him every second? Go on a family trip, do charity work in orphanages or nursing homes, devote yourself to those around you, help them. Perhaps you will find yourself in religion or pedagogy.

Now you need to give as much of yourself as possible to the people around you. In return, they will give vital energy that will warm you and return you to this world.

Results

In conclusion of everything written, it is important to understand one thing, even when in a couple and even more so after a breakup, you need to learn to let go of your loved one so that he feels dependent on emotional nourishment and returns in search of it. You cannot achieve a person through pity or threats. He may be nearby, but only physically and only until he finds an opportunity to escape. Respect yourself, accept without reserve, love, and then you won’t have to return anyone, since unnecessary people will leave, and you will be surrounded by those who deserve to be around.

Let's support in the comments those who are just learning to love themselves and not depend on others. Tell your story of love and the return of your loved one.

He came back and then he left

The so-called vicious circle, when a man, in principle, does not want a relationship, he then disappears, but again wants to return everything. Moreover, his return usually occurs on a grand scale, with promises of eternal love, apologies on his knees, and flowers. And leaving can be either enchanting with a scandal, or quiet, without explanation. There can be several manifestations of such “love”:

Abusive relationships. A man gets high by inflicting pain; he needs a surge of emotions, which he feeds on like a vampire. In such a union there will be no chubby babies, no lavish wedding, just a repetition of pain and momentary joy. You need to not just let such a person go, but hope that he never returns. And it will disappear only when it does not find a response and recharge.
"Spare." In addition to inveterate abusers, there are also practical guys who leave an alternate airfield after breaking up. He met a new passion, but at the same time he is in no hurry to leave with all his socks. He can periodically write, call, and maybe drop by for the night. It is necessary to realize that love does not happen temporarily or on weekends. There is no need to wait for him to make up his mind, this is humiliating, he needs to be let go and forgotten.
Owner. Another specimen who, even after a breakup, needs to know that there is no replacement for him. He does not love, does not care, but at the same time he is jealous, scandalous, literally strangling with total control. This kind of behavior should not be confused with love, it has nothing in common. Even if at first such treatment may be flattering, over time you will want to howl at night from the lack of personal space.

Swap places

No wonder they say that as soon as you forget a man, he will immediately return. This is not just an old wives' saying. Anyone who wants to achieve love, the return of the past, must understand that partners must equally be dependent on each other. If one side is too overwhelmed with attention, then it will give back the same amount of care less. Therefore, as much as you want to be accepted, loved, appreciated, learn to appreciate, love, accept yourself. Stop trying to catch up, convince them of love, give them the opportunity to feel how things could be different.

At this moment the fun begins. When someone who is confident in his exclusivity does not find the usual support, his self-image begins to crumble. In this case, the crisis cannot be avoided; perhaps the man will come back with claims and conflicts. After all, if one side becomes independent and confident, the other feels discomfort. At this moment, you should not destroy your built-up understanding of yourself, or succumb to instilling feelings of guilt. He must experience an internal conflict, and then realize how wrong his assessment of what was happening was.