How to get rid of dependence on a person: advice from a psychologist

10/23/20205 minutes read 11644

Love addiction (addiction)

– this is a state when a person experiences constant fear, uncertainty, horror at the thought that he may lose a loved one. Imagining separation, he falls into despondency, apathy and despair. Life without an object of dependence seems unbearable to him, and a real breakup can even lead to suicide.

In the article we will reveal the psychology of the addict, what types of addiction there are, its internal causes and how to get rid of it and treat it.

Important Strong dependence on a person manifests itself in total control, an unhealthy desire to always be close to a loved one and loss of self-control.

Emotional dependence on a person

Emotional addiction (dependence) is a pathological attachment to the object of love, due to which a person loses his personality, turning into a “shadow of his partner.”
An emotionally dependent person is unable to take responsibility for his feelings. Experiencing negative emotions (sadness, grief, grief, anxiety, depression), he cannot recognize them, accept them and cope with them. He does not understand the very reason for these feelings, which leads to the need for approval from others. This addiction becomes very strong, since the partner’s praise and attention determines the personal value of the addict.

It takes great courage to find strength and use your strengths in the fight against addiction. But this must be done first of all in order not to lose yourself and realize your true potential.

Important: it is normal for partners to have a certain emotional dependence. But where personal boundaries are erased, self-destruction begins.

Differences between addiction and love

1. Addiction is based on the fear of loneliness, while love is based on happiness.
2. Pathological jealousy due to lack of trust - a dependent person experiences it even when there are no visible reasons or threats to the relationship. That is, any, even the most insignificant manifestation of attention to other people is perceived very painfully. Love is based on complete trust.
3. The need to always be close and the pathological fear of changes in the life of a partner - partly stems from jealousy, and partly from the fear that the partner will meet someone better. Therefore, a dependent person strives for total control. In love, there is freedom that allows you to develop (and not only as a couple, but also personally), and not get hung up.
4. Evidence of love - a dependent person always demands sacrifices for the sake of love. Due to low self-esteem, he constantly needs confirmation of his value from his partner. True love makes people happy, and does not force them to sacrifice themselves.
5. One always gives without receiving anything in return, while the other only takes (willingly or unwittingly). Equality reigns in love.
6. A very painful attitude towards refusals - the addict always gets little attention from his partner. Because he paid too high a price for this relationship, giving up his personal goals and interests. A person finds himself locked in his own trap. In love, partners respect each other’s personal space and desires, treating refusals adequately.

Important: whoever does not know how to love himself is not able to love another. He can only become involved in a destructive relationship or game in which he will be a loser.

Relationships between people with different types of addiction

- All people with unhealthy attachment types, of course, enter into relationships and begin to play their roles. The most common marriages are “pursuer-avoidant.” Usually in such cases we help by softening the pursuer and involving the withdrawing person in the relationship
. If two people are colder and more distant, each can have their own life. If there are two pursuers in a relationship, then there will be constant scandals and “Italian” showdowns. People with a chaotic attachment style are difficult in any partnership because they are unpredictable and often belong to the borderline level of personality organization.

When a couple comes to a psychologist, the first thing we do is find out what the typical cycle is between them and how they get involved in it. The cycle can get worse if one partner is an alcohol or drug addict. Then we don't work until the main problem is solved. The main thing in our actions is to identify the destructive cycle, when one pursues and the other runs away, and help change it to a more constructive one, when they can approach, move away, and negotiate.

Why does a person become addicted?

Reasons for dependent relationships

• emotional immaturity;
• low self-esteem and self-doubt;
• unwillingness to bear responsibility;
• fear of loneliness;
• psychological trauma, including childhood trauma;
• improper upbringing;
• complexes that form erroneous fears;
• frequent criticism and lack of praise;
• lack of adequate motivation;
• the desire to become ideal for someone, and not for oneself;
• conflicts with one’s own “I”;
• incorrect assessment of one's strengths.

Prepare for difficulties

In the process of your renewal, you may break up with the codependent person. In any addiction, there is such a thing as withdrawal syndrome - this is a period when you will feel sadness, loneliness, and fear. It can be bad even on a physical level.

I recommend at this time not to fight your emotions, but to accept them. Treat them consciously. Expect this pain to pass soon. Learn how to cope with feelings of loneliness.

There is also a very useful NLP technique called “Drying Out”, it will help you let a person go. Here is a video with a version for women, this author has a similar one for men:

How dependence on a person is formed

The preconditions begin in childhood if the child is not loved properly by the people who mean the most to him. Over time, they become fixed and transferred from one loveless relationship to another. Missing love in childhood, a person constantly seeks it as an adult. Melancholy and loneliness do not go away, becoming stronger and stronger.

Also, the lack of love provokes intrapersonal conflict and low self-esteem. This inability to value and trust oneself creates a negative cycle of needs, which stage by stage increases dependence on another person: the initial euphoria requires an increase in the dose of the love object, concentration reaches its limit and begins to fall, disappointment sets in. And at the last stage, the addict tries with all his might to “re-educate” a significant person, to “adjust” his attitude to his ideal framework.

And the result of emotional blackmail will be the inevitable collapse of relationships and severe psychological trauma, including suicide attempts. And all this just to feel your own worth. Therefore, the addict will again and again “play” the humble role, in the hope of somehow reducing the damage caused over the years.

Please note: emotional addiction is a terrible condition because the addict never feels content, happy or fulfilled without the approval of another person.

Avoidance of intimacy

- Another type is avoidant, or distancing
.
Such people have the following belief: “I will run away and stay away from you because I don’t believe that the relationship can be good.
I know that you will leave me someday, and so as not to hurt me, I will never let you get too close .
Such people in childhood also experienced the absence of a significant person, but made a different decision: “I will never allow someone to hurt me so much again
. In relationships, they give the impression of frostbitten, coldish people who always keep you at a distance.

This type is more typical for men, while the anxious-ambivalent type is more typical for women. It is these people who form the wonderful “pursuer and distancer” pairs.

Types of psychological dependence on a person

Love

It all starts like in a fairy tale: lovers are together all the time, enjoy each other and don’t need anyone. But when hormones subside, there is a desire to devote time to other things or people. Healthy relationships move to the next stage, and toxic ones begin to collapse. The dependent partner perceives such aspirations as a loss of interest in his person, betrayal and dislike. He begins to be “eaten up” by jealousy, resentment, and anger. All this results in an endless stream of quarrels, manipulations and even threats.

Friendly

The picture is very similar to love addiction, with the only difference that the characters are friends. The same jealousy takes place, the fear of losing a loved one, the urgent need for his presence nearby. If a friend makes a new acquaintance or significant other, the addict falls into a stupor, experiences strong resentment, anger, and feels betrayed.

Parental

It is formed in early childhood due to improper upbringing. As a rule, these are despotic parents with a totalitarian parenting style, who themselves are deeply unhappy or have become victims of circumstances (from a single-parent family, unloved, with psychological trauma). They use every means to suppress the child’s desire for independence, thus cultivating a huge number of complexes.

Such parents are afraid of loneliness, because if their child no longer needs them, they will lose the meaning of life. Therefore, they try to keep him near them: they invent illnesses, promise an inheritance, make threats. At the same time, depriving a maturing person of the opportunity to develop socially important skills (bear responsibility, make decisions, adequately assess their capabilities).

“In fact, we are all addicts”

— Nowadays, quite often at various trainings they make addiction the most terrible thing, they “treat” women, telling them either about complete freedom or complete independence. In fact, this is all wrong, because in any couple you need to deal with the relationship. For example, people are satisfied with such relationships, he likes to watch “Sex and the City” with her, and she likes to go to football with him. They, like Sherochka and Masherochka, spend a lot of time together. And then this type of psychologist comes, he seems to know, and says: “But you have a codependent relationship!
You must build your boundaries!” And suddenly the woman begins to come up with what she really wants and argue with the man.

During this time, there is a golden rule in family therapy: “Don’t fix what isn’t broken.”

. We don’t interfere where people are happy with everything. Even if they have a merger, if they are not satisfied with the distribution of responsibilities, then we only work with that.

Therefore, there is no need to be afraid of the word “addiction”. In fact, we are all dependent on each other. If, for example, some Uncle Petya suddenly turns off the lights at a power plant, we will immediately understand how we are connected to him. If the neighbors above us decide to flood us, we will again feel these fragile invisible connections. In the same way, husbands and wives, partners, are connected to each other.

Our task is to help “translate” an unhealthy addiction into a healthy one.

Then people understand that relationships are dynamic and changeable: sometimes we are closer, sometimes we merge, and sometimes we move away; and it’s wonderful that we are so different and can change throughout our lives and look for a comfortable distance in relationships.

Signs of a person's dependence on other people

Main features

1. Constant need to be close to other people.
2. A persistent feeling of insecurity.
3. Obsessive fear of losing a partner.
4. Constant feeling of guilt if your partner is not given maximum attention.
5. The belief that you are not good enough to be with your partner (feelings of inferiority).
6. Acceptance of psychological and physical suffering due to fear of losing the relationship.
7. Constant and dominant feeling of anxiety.

How to identify such an addiction in yourself

If you:

• idealize your relationship or partner;
• believe that without your loved one, your life has no meaning or value;
• you think that you will not find happiness and security if you are alone;
• are constantly afraid of being rejected;
• feel empty or anxious when spending time alone;
• are not confident in themselves, and self-esteem is increased only by the praise of a partner;
• You often experience jealousy or possessive feelings.

Even the presence of one positive answer indicates that the risk of developing emotional dependence is quite high.

A consultation with our psychologists can dispel all doubts. Practicing specialists will understand your situation and help you find answers to all your questions. It is easier to get rid of addiction to a person in the early stages, before it develops into an addiction.

Chaotic type of addiction

— There are still people with a chaotic type of attachment. These people experience a combination of sticking and running away. These are the hardest partners. In the evening he may come and say: “You don’t love me, because you don’t pay attention to me
. But as soon as you start communicating with him, he goes into the room, slamming the door, and asks not to disturb. He alternates showing love with rejection. It is very difficult to build relationships with such people, because you never know what will come to mind in the next second.

Why you need to get rid of addiction

Emotional dependence is very dangerous, especially when a person cannot recognize it in time to avoid negative patterns (patterns of behavior):

Loss of self-esteem

Starting from low self-esteem, emotional dependence completely destroys self-confidence. Internal conflict grows, destroying one’s own “I” and relationships. Because the connection with the personality that the person was at the beginning of the relationship is lost.

Isolation and loss of social skills

Finding yourself in a toxic and all-consuming relationship, a person becomes isolated. When communication with the outside world is cut off, he quickly loses the social skills that are invaluable for long-term happiness. This encourages unconstructive self-criticism, making the situation even worse.

Physical and psychological violence

Isolating oneself with a partner on whom one relies entirely increases the risk of physical and psychological violence in a relationship.

At some point, the object of love may mistake dependence for weakness. This situation leads to an imbalance of power and to the fact that the partner takes a “dominant role.” The longer the isolation occurs, the more sinister this domination can become. After all, when one partner sees that the happiness of the other is completely dependent on him, it becomes easier for him to exert pressure, manipulate, act hostilely or even contemptuously. Destruction of well-being

When dependence on another person is deeply ingrained, it becomes an important part of who the person is. It plays a decisive role in everything that concerns emotions, and therefore well-being. A dependent person suffers from dysphoric (painfully low) mood, depression, strong feelings of guilt, emptiness, loneliness (despite even the status of the relationship).

Important: the healthiest type of relationship is interdependent, as this is the “golden mean”. Interdependence also means that a person is acutely aware of his or her emotional needs and makes personal efforts to meet them rather than at the expense of others.

Stages of love addiction

Like other addictions: drugs, alcohol, nicotine, love, it develops in stages, depending on the initial mental disorders of the patient, he can go through all stages very quickly or gradually.

First: Euphoria

At the beginning of a relationship, the addict experiences happiness from the emotions of love he experiences, he “grows wings”, he feels full of life. He adores the whole world, he wants to sing, laugh, and an as yet unformed desire appears - to be with this person always. To grow old together and die on the same day.

Second: Increasing the dose

The desire to be constantly nearby grows stronger and becomes a need. Meetings, no matter how many there are, are always few. The feeling of love overshadows everything, everyday affairs: work, study fade into the background. A person lives in anticipation of a meeting, experiences euphoria and happiness and immediately begins to wait for the next date, cannot survive even short separations.

Third: Disappointment

Fleur subsides, her beloved does not live up to the dependent ideal drawn in her head. There is disappointment, fruitless attempts to still discern a fictitious image in a living person. Every time a person encounters reality, a person experiences suffering, and this, oddly enough, only binds him more to the object of passion.

Fourth: Become what I want

This stage can last for a very long time. The addict tries to remake his loved one and his behavior in accordance with his ideas about him in any way. It is impossible to change an adult personality, but an addict cannot leave or accept another for who he is. This activity gives rise to anger, fear, irritation, and jealousy in the patient. He can no longer back down, since he has invested a disproportionate amount of effort, time and emotions into this relationship. Soon there is no love left at all, only dependence, fear and a feeling of despair.

Attention The main difficulty in treating love addiction is how to get rid of it if a person does not want to free himself from this condition. A patient suffering from emotional love addiction perceives his mental pain as a manifestation of “true” love and is voluntarily ready to suffer and does not want to treat it.

How to get rid of addiction to a person

What you need to be prepared for

Recovering from an addiction is a painful experience, and you will have to face some unpleasant truths. Face your fears and fight them. To become a holistic and harmonious person again. And most importantly, learn to love yourself and take responsibility for your life into your own hands. Only then will it be possible to throw off the shackles of psychological dependence.

Steps to freedom from addiction

1. Recognize the problem.
2. End toxic relationships.
3. Work on errors.
4. Turn your face towards yourself and get to know yourself.
5. Fill the inner emptiness with self-love.
6. Become an independent and holistic person.
7. Build healthy and harmonious relationships.

What is true love

— True love is a healthy attachment.
This is the opportunity to be in a truly close relationship, this is the responsibility of partners to each other, this is passion, honesty, the ability to remain faithful, despite the presence of other people around, this is recognition of the uniqueness of a partner for oneself, this is the desire to be together and the readiness for a long-term relationship with understanding your involvement and willingness to invest in the relationship. Such simple things are fundamental to such relationships.

Healthy dependence is when I can spend time with someone important to me, but then I go to work and do it calmly, because I don’t think every second where my partner is, whether he’s cheating on me. There is peace because I know that our relationship is intact, we have obligations, that he is waiting for me. I know that he went on a business trip for a month, but he calls me on Skype every evening. Therefore, true love is a good combination of intimacy and freedom.

How to overcome dependence on a person: advice from a psychologist

Sport will be an excellent medicine. By improving his body, a person gains self-confidence and increases his self-esteem. Yoga helps to cope with negative emotions, and dancing helps to get rid of accumulated energy. Psychologists also recommend engaging in creativity, leading an active social life, and under no circumstances withdrawing into yourself. New acquaintances, hobbies, and success at work give positive emotions, which are extremely necessary when getting rid of addiction to another person.

What to do about unhealthy addiction

— There is always an opportunity to cope with addiction, to get rid of the roles of pursuer and avoider. There is a whole direction - emotionally focused therapy - an effective model of working with spouses, developed by Canadian psychologists
. This model helps people form healthy attachments. When she appears, a man and a woman become a couple in which they can lean on each other, support each other, care for and love, which is very healthy.

To achieve this, the couple can read literature on Emotionally Focused Therapy. There are many articles on this topic on the Internet. Even the therapy model itself involves reference to literature. You can deeply study the other partner’s family, figure out why he pursues or withdraws, notice destructive cycles in your own couple and try to change them into constructive ones. Of course, you can always contact a specialist in the field of family therapy. But you also need to choose him carefully so as not to end up with a person who will aggravate a difficult situation.

People who are faced with similar problems should not be upset and think that separation is the only way out. Dependent relationships are natural. Our parents had such a relationship, we didn’t see anything else. In order to change relationships, we must first live, understand what does not suit us, and then change them without delay. The longer a destructive cycle exists, the more difficult it is to get out of it.

Why and when you should see a psychologist

Emotional dependence is not just a state of mind. It is a verifiable psychological disorder that manifests itself in different ways and at different stages of life. In any case, a person must understand that he has become a victim of someone else’s choice and is not living his own life. That filling the inner emptiness is not the task of others. And true emotional satisfaction can only be achieved by self-love.

Important: it is impossible to be healed by another person. We need to heal that broken child that lives inside.

This is very serious work on yourself, which requires clear guidance. In the process of psychological rehabilitation, a person changes his thinking and gets rid of negative attitudes. Learn to live again. Therefore, there should be a professional nearby who will help you find the true causes and eliminate them correctly. Otherwise the situation will only get worse.

Our specialists often encounter similar situations and successfully help overcome any addiction.

Even one consultation with a psychologist will bring invaluable benefits. You can leave a request at any time, the service is open 24 hours. Within 5 minutes a specialist will be selected for your individual request. And the first 20 minutes of consultation are free.

How to know when to stay in a relationship and when to end it

- If there is any physical violence, the relationship must be ended immediately.
If you come out of every conflict weak, unsure of yourself, and find yourself in a situation of gaslighting (when you are made to look crazy), then you should think about it. Perhaps you live with a psychopath, a manipulator, and violence is being committed against you. One of the most important criteria is if the relationship is toxic for you, leave it. If you sometimes manage to negotiate, if you sometimes come out of a conflict strong, heard and understood, even if you didn’t agree, it’s a good sign that you can be together and are finding healthy ways to respond.

It is almost impossible to build relationships with unhealthy people. No matter how hard we try, they are stronger than us. Psychopaths, sociopaths, manipulators, and malignant narcissists are most often unable to be in a healthy partnership.

I often think that schools need to teach less physics, mathematics, chemistry and introduce psychological diagnostics in order to understand from communication whether it is worth starting a relationship with a person. If he constantly deceives you, lets you down, makes you feel guilty, and you don’t do that, then you need to think about leaving the relationship.

Every relationship is unique. Perhaps a masochistic woman will be happy to endure humiliation. But if she goes to a psychologist, she will return to a healthier lifestyle. This is why some are afraid to turn to specialists, because psychotherapy returns a person to his desires and needs and destroys unhealthy, destructive relationships.

If you turn to a psychologist, it is important to maintain a sober outlook. You need to evaluate how much what the psychologist says suits you. A specialist may advise you to leave your husband who beats you, but for some reason you can’t. Then you should say: “I can’t leave, but what should I do in this situation?”

No one is a better expert on your life than you. Try to make her more aware, happy and clear. Then, it is quite possible that you will not need the help of specialists.

Human addiction test

1. Do you often feel anxious when you think about your relationship?
2. Can you say no to your loved one?
3. Is your partner's approval vital to you?
4. Do you often get jealous without objective reasons?
5. Do you have leadership qualities?
6. If your partner praises you, do you feel happy?
7. Can you imagine your life without a partner?
8. Does your loved one's dissatisfaction make you panic?
9. Can you improve your emotional state on your own?
10. If there was no significant person in your life, would you experience uncertainty?

1-2 positive answers indicate the initial stage of addiction. If you answered “yes” to 3-5 questions, this is already the second stage of emotional dependence. If more than 5, the addiction is pathological and immediate help from a psychologist is required.

Take responsibility

In this step, you need to become determined to get rid of your addiction. You must understand that now your fortune and happiness will depend only on you. From now on, you will take deliberate steps to become an independent, self-sufficient person.

People who did not receive enough love in childhood become dependent on others. This doesn't mean your family didn't love you, they just might not have been able to express it in an accessible way. Now you are trying to get this care and love from another person, to become a child again, to merge with your partner. But this is impossible - no one will become your parent and give you love again.

Now you are an adult. And you will learn to give yourself everything you need on your own.

You can leave the relationship or stay in it. In the second case, your partner will either follow your changes and begin to change too, or leave. Because dependence always exists through the efforts of both. And if he becomes uncomfortable around you, he may end the relationship. Accept this opportunity in order to free yourself from attachment.

What are the consequences?

What happens if you successfully complete all these stages?

If you stay in a relationship, you will notice that your feelings have changed. It will be easier for you to recognize healthy and unhealthy behavior in your partner. Fear, worries and groundless jealousy will pass. Your space will appear. The fact that another person has his own boundaries will no longer traumatize and frighten you.

It is likely that you will take off your rose-colored glasses and look at your partner differently, and maybe even lose interest in him. This is quite normal, because you have grown and become better able to understand what kind of person next to you really is.

If you have left a relationship, you will now see people as separate, whole individuals, and not as “donors” of resources useful to you.

How to recognize emotional attachment in yourself

Anyone can become a victim of emotional addiction. How to recognize it in time?

Signs

The main signs that will help determine emotional attachment:

• inadequate self-esteem. It can be either overestimated or underestimated. A person cannot appreciate his place in society;
• dependence on the opinions of others;
• problem with defining personal boundaries;
• inability to distinguish real from false emotions;
• experiencing toxic emotions in the form of guilt and shame;
• obsessive judgments and attitudes in the head;
• inability to create a healthy relationship with a partner;
• severe health problems;
• constant manifestation of a defensive reaction in the form of aggression or tears.

These are the main reasons for emotional attachment.