Help and protection for signs of psychological (emotional) violence in the family by women, men, parents and children

12/15/20185 minutes read 9316

Violence can be physical or psychological ( emotional)

). Most people associate the word “violence” with the use of physical force. The brain immediately produces pictures of fights, torture, the use of weapons and pools of human blood. These are all visual images that are most easily imprinted in memory. But there is violence that cannot be “seen,” and it is often more insidious and dangerous than physical violence. We are talking about psychological violence.

What does this mean?
What are the signs of psychological abuse?
How can you help in this case?

And most importantly, how to protect yourself, your children and your family from invisible, but very real tyranny? First things first.

Types of psychological violence

Psychological, also called moral and emotional, violence is a form of non-physical pressure on the human psyche, which leads to anxiety, depression or even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

It is important to understand that in most cases this is not one-time oppression, but a constant factor that creates a certain climate in a relationship or family, where one is dominant and the other is submissive. Typically, psychological and moral violence manifests itself in the form of:

offensive remarks and jokes that are aimed at humiliating dignity or ridicule physical features;
control of actions (the tyrant demands a report on each step taken, arranges interrogations and limits the circle of communication for the victim);
imposing certain mindsets and opinions;
emotional manipulation (provoking certain emotions);
instilling feelings of guilt or debt;
intimidation;
devaluation of achievements.

The means of psychological terror can range from venomous jokes to a completely convincing demonstration of grief (so convincing that you involuntarily feel guilty for upsetting him). A tyrant can pretend to be magnanimous and generous, which is often misleading. But, in essence, it’s something like “I’ll give you what you want, but then you’ll owe it.”

The result of systematic pressure almost always is the acceptance of the partner’s attitudes, a feeling of worthlessness, lack of independence, etc. Psychological and moral violence can manifest itself in the family, in relationships with children, relatives, friends and colleagues at work. There is psychological violence of women and psychological violence of men.

Target for emotional release

People who have problems in the emotional sphere become victims of psychological violence:

They do not allow themselves to experience negativity, repressing and denying it. They ignore aggression directed towards them, as if it does not concern them;
They are unable to explain the condition, they themselves do not understand, they are sad, anxious, or feel tired. It is very difficult for them to describe their own emotions. Therefore, they are easily infected by the mood of others. This makes them weak and defenseless against manipulators.

Psychological violence - what is it?

It is easy to influence people who do not understand their goals and desires. They are in limbo, ready to just go with the flow. They take pressure from outside too close to their hearts and immediately surrender under the pressure of the tyrant.

A person who is unable to say “no”, infringes on his own desires and refuses needs, often becomes a victim of emotional abuse. He is used to living by the rules of others, so he is easy to manipulate.

Note! Abusers are able to lure the victim, gain their trust, and wait for emotional attachment. Then they start to act.

Constant mockery, accusations, suspicions and humiliations can break the psyche of even a self-confident person. She begins to feel inferior and blames herself for what is happening, not the abuser.

Methods of psychological violence

There are a huge number of methods by which an abuser acts. Their main feature is manifestations of emotionally abusive behavior, and the essence comes down to one goal: to gain the trust of the victim, and then criticize and humiliate him in various ways. So in a family, parents scold their children for their only B grade, a friend is offended by rare meetings, the boss pokes his nose at the smallest mistakes in work every time, which, undoubtedly, can be interpreted as psychological and moral violence at work.

Another common method of psychological pressure and chronic verbal aggression is behavior in which the abuser wants his partner, whether male or female, to act and think exactly like himself. At the same time, he strives to completely control the victim: he indicates what clothes to wear, what to do, who to be friends with, what job to prefer.

This type of tyrant uses criticism to adjust the partner's behavior taking into account his interests. Yes, conflicts, grievances or moments of criticism sometimes arise between people, and this is normal for society, but often psychological bullying and violence are disguised under them. And it is very important to recognize it in time in order to provide psychological assistance to victims of violence.

You get a lot of praise

“You have great talent, you can achieve a lot. You just need to not be lazy and work hard.”
“You will definitely win this competition, it cannot be otherwise.”

At first glance, it sounds quite harmless. And for some, maybe even motivating. But such statements set a very high bar for a person and make him suffer if something doesn’t work out.

Instead of moving towards your own goals at a comfortable pace, you try to meet other people's expectations and are afraid of disappointing your partner, parent or friend.

Therefore, if you want to praise someone, it is better to do without predictions in the spirit of “With such intelligence, you should earn a lot of money” - and note the successes that the person has already achieved. And if they persistently try to motivate you with the help of such compliments, then try to cut off the expectations and assumptions of other people and focus only on an objective assessment.

Signs of psychological abuse

The so-called signs or “first signs” by which emotional bullying or violence can be recognized have characteristic features. They are present in combinations or separately, but the presence of any of these signs indicates that psychological pressure and violence are being applied to you:

Your partner makes fun of you or criticizes you in front of other people. If you are trying to lose weight, he may call you fat. If you fail to pass a job interview, he will say that it is because of your stupidity. Any reason that can play on your insecurity will be used sooner or later. As a result, your partner will achieve a significant decrease in your self-esteem and will impose the idea that no one but him needs you and you can no longer be helped.
Your ideas, suggestions or opinions are never taken into account. Pure ignorance. Over time, you yourself will begin to doubt the rationality of your ideas.
They try to completely control you, shame you or reprimand you for any actions, treat you like a child, despite your mature age.
Humiliation, insults, accusations, threats - all this is used to unbalance you.
The aggressor partner does not apologize in situations where he is wrong.
Violates your personal boundaries.
Denies his offensive behavior, even if he himself is aware of it.
He yells at you, and then says that you provoked him.
Refuses to discuss problems in your relationship or family.
Uses your affection for him as a tool for manipulation.
May prevent you from communicating with any friends or family members.

Overture: why these manipulations

The word "manipulation" comes from the Latin manipulus. It contains the root manus - “hand”. The original meaning - an action based on sleight of hand - referred, for example, to puppeteers who, through deft tricks, made dolls dance. And only then the word acquired a different, figurative meaning - a trick, a fraud. People are usually unhappy if they discover that they have been manipulated. It is believed that they were led, as if by invisible threads, to a result that they themselves did not want.

That is, manipulation is a technology of power; it is not applied to good friends, well, at least if they want these friends to remain kind.

Consequences of psychological violence

Emotional abuse is almost invisible from the outside; it leads to a psychological “blocking” and prevents the further establishment of healthy interpersonal connections. For example, a family or a married couple in whose relationships this component is present may seem to be an ideal unit of society. The sweetest people who love each other - this is roughly the impression they make on friends, relatives and neighbors. If the spouse suddenly begins to complain about psychological harassment from her husband, she immediately runs into a wall of misunderstanding, and sometimes even condemnation from her environment.

The situation is aggravated by the tyrant himself, using the tools of gaslighting and convincing the victim that everything is fine, “you just always don’t like something.” As a result, she feels guilty or agrees that she is the problem. The result is an increase in complexes, fears, the development of neurosis or other forms of mental disorders, in which it can be difficult to help in any way.

There may be suicidal symptoms or a desire to “drown out” internal pain with alcohol, drugs or potent medications. As a result, problems grow like a snowball and after this, without the intervention of a specialist in the form of an experienced psychologist, it is already difficult to return to normal.

Another danger of such treatment is that if the victim does not fight back, psychological pressure can develop into physical violence. And if this happens at least once, the aggressor cannot be stopped. Here you definitely need to seek qualified help.

Abuser's personality

Abusers tend to be controlling and dominant. Verbal violence helps them achieve these goals.

They are self-absorbed, do not forgive or show empathy, are quick-tempered, suspicious, and do not listen to the voice of reason. Some abusers take their victims hostage. In the case of emotional abuse, this does not happen in a figurative sense: they do everything to isolate the victim from the social support of family and friends. Their mood swings from enthusiastic and cheerful to irritated and furious. Some punish disobedience with silence, others with anger, and many alternate between both.

Protection from psychological violence

Here are some tips from psychologists to help protect yourself:

Say no to someone who likes to command. Consider what will happen if you do not follow the aggressor's orders. If you are prepared for the possible consequences, calmly but firmly say: “I will not obey your commands.” If the commander's attack continues after this, simply ignore subsequent instructions.
Master the method of psychological “aikido” and use it for verbal aggression. The essence of this method is to smooth out the conflict by agreeing with any statements of the tyrant, even absurd ones. Understand that the purpose of shouting and insults is to unbalance you, make you nervous, embarrassed, upset, etc. But if you respond completely unexpectedly, for example, by making a joke, the aggressor will become confused or significantly weaken his position.
Don't fall for the manipulation of ignoring. There is no need to try to talk or appease the person who has “ignored”. Without unnecessary emotions, let him know that he will not achieve anything with such behavior.
Do not allow personal boundaries to be violated, do not succumb to the manipulation of games of duty or guilt that they are trying to impose on you. Remember that you yourself determine what you are responsible for and what you are not. Tell the aggressor directly about this.
Be alert to threats, intimidation and blackmail. If you are sure that this is empty talk, you can respond so that the aggressor will immediately carry out his threat. But if there is a real threat to your life, health or well-being, be careful and avoid acute reactions. Try to record the threats on a tape recorder or video camera so that you can contact law enforcement if necessary.
Try to honestly answer this question for yourself: are you ready to endure regular insults, humiliation and other bullying from an aggressor just because he is your husband, boss or parent? Perhaps it is better not to communicate with this person at all?

If you feel that you cannot help yourself cope with the attacks of the aggressor, use the help of an online psychologist at Helppoint. First of all, the specialist will objectively determine whether certain actions constitute psychological or other violence. If so, it will help you resist the aggressor, taking into account your specific life situation. The simplest possible registration, guaranteed confidentiality, competent psychologists, convenient online communication formats - all this is at your service at Helppoint.

Author: Editorial staff of the Help-Point.net portal

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Like clockwork

Psychotherapist Aina Gromova spoke about the notes of manipulation - the vulnerable spots of employees, which are so convenient for a bad boss to put pressure on. Every person has a couple of such Achilles heels. Well, for aggressor bosses, this list will allow them to expand their musical repertoire.

Before: fear

What does it look like

Intimidation. The phrase “No people are irreplaceable.” Hints that you are about to fail, and the cost of failure is high. An eloquent demonstration that it is unlikely that they will be able to tolerate you at any other job. Well, if only you were demoted... Although no... It still won’t work.

Frequent criticism and nagging will add depth to feelings, especially if the employee is not particularly confident in himself. The note of fear works best on people with high anxiety.

Re: sense of duty

What does it look like

Urgent alarm, rush hour, messenger message in the middle of vacation and phrases like “If not us, then who?” Here the boss is free to withdraw himself, and “we”... that is, you are doing work that at the moment is more similar to the feat of Alexander Matrosov. This is a particularly important task that no one in the world can handle. And only you, only now (never mind that it’s already three o’clock in the morning) are heroically covering the embrasure.

It is recommended to use on responsible people with perfectionist tendencies and excellent student syndrome. They then pull a wild load, and those around them get a visual image of what workaholism looks like with a human face.

Mi: wine

What does it look like

Thanks to the reaction of the authorities, any oversight takes on the characteristics of a catastrophe that forever changed the world.

The employee is hinted at situations in which he did not shine, at conflicts in which he stood next to or, God forbid, participated. If reality loses its usual contours, this is gaslighting: the manipulator talks about non-existent things so convincingly that it begins to seem that it is true.

Sometimes a person thinks that he is hearing an insulting, sarcastic, too personal comment from his boss. It seemed again! The comment is normal, but the employee himself is too vulnerable, has lost his sense of humor and generally reacts somehow painfully to everything. Here many people hesitate and begin to doubt their reactions.

It is tested on people with a pathological sense of their own guilt, on those who, instead of saying: “I will not tolerate comments about my dog,” or, busily rolling up their sleeves: “Ok, I could have made a mistake, where can I correct it?” - They panic and tear out their hair.

Fa: self-love

What does it look like

There are subordinates who are ready to move mountains; you should let them know that you expect something special from them, that they are - yes, the chosen ones of fate, they have a special role and a special position. With such guys you can alternate between flattery and a disappointed look. For example, a person is about to leave the office at seven o’clock in the evening, and the boss shakes his head disapprovingly: “Well, well, I didn’t expect this from you...” And that’s all - the ashamed employee turns on the computer again, so as not to disgrace the Russian lands... that is his glorious reputation.

Blows to pride are especially painful for people who strive for high results, dream of achievements and want to be the best. They perceive a loss not as a game of chance, but as a personal insult, which makes it possible to trample on a heightened sense of self... “Remember, darling, last year they failed the tender...”

Salt: curiosity

What does it look like

The manipulator can initiate into the secrets of the Madrid court, creating a trusting atmosphere, intrigue, and promise to shed light on the darkest corners of business. And then suddenly act mysterious, leave the phrase unsaid, avoid a direct answer...

Having nevertheless given the employee some special information, you can mark him as chosen or blame him for leaks.

You can play on curiosity if the goal is to create a toxic atmosphere in the company. Gossip about employees is a great way to turn your work team into a branch of the serpentarium.

It works on people with a spirit of research who get into trouble: first the boss buys their loyalty with information, and then pretends to be a fool and introduces elements of confusion: “In fact, everything was not like that... Your business trip was not planned in January and not in Kaluga...”

La: pity

What does it look like

The wolf portrays a sheep. The victim game is designed to arouse empathy and guilt in the employee: “If you don’t help me, I don’t even know what to do...”, “No one cares about my problems.” The “poor me” tactic can be very powerful, even to the point of threatening to commit suicide. But in the end, all the sufferers go home, and the compassionate employee whiles away the night over the report.

The technique works with empathetic people prone to altruism.

Xi: sexual provocations

What does it look like

Appropriate or inappropriate seduction. The manipulator may use charm, flattery, or openly demonstrate sexual interest, and with it an unbuttoned shirt.

A typical tactic of people who engage in harassment is to pretend that their inappropriate behavior is completely normal, and that grabbing secretaries by the knees is a common everyday concern.

In this case, the answer “no” that the victim mutters is not accepted as an answer, and the aggressor shows rare persistence. Another common technique is to make it clear that the employee is obliged to his boss, because he helped his career so much, and how he can influence it in the future - wow!

Used on people who feel they have to be nice and agreeable, especially in front of their superiors.

You are prohibited from showing negative emotions

Nobody says “Don’t you dare cry!” or “Smile immediately!” But if you are sad or angry, they try very persistently to console you. And prove that your problems are not worth such strong emotions.

“Why are you so upset over such trifles?”
"Don't be upset! This has never happened to me before, and it’s okay, everything turned out okay.”

At first glance, this is just an attempt to cheer you up. But behind it there is often another motive: a person cannot stand other people’s negative emotions and wants to “hush them up” as quickly as possible. Maybe he empathizes with you a lot and your pain hurts him. Or maybe he’s just too lazy to bother with you and wants you to be comfortable and happy.

This approach is called toxic positivity, and it does not have the best effect on mental health. It is important for a person to live through his negative emotions, and not to push them deeper.

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