Emotions cannot be stored up in oneself, they must be expressed, psychologists say. At the same time, we often hear about such a trait of successful people as the ability to control emotions. Is there a contradiction here?
Everyone knows perfectly well that a woman’s condition is greatly influenced by hormonal levels, as well as the environment around her and the degree of satisfaction. Sometimes we are so captive of our feelings that it can be difficult to switch to a positive wave. Now you will learn the key rules for overcoming negative emotions. By using these tips, you will get positive results pretty quickly.
On a scale of 10, rate how emotional you are:
- 1 point - do not show emotions;
- 3 points - low emotional;
- 5 points - average reaction to what is happening;
- 7 points - you over-emotion to stimuli;
- 10 points - the mood is absolutely changeable.
Now think about those emotions that you are used to expressing, and those that you prefer to accumulate in yourself. Are any of them feelings from the list below?
How to get rid of irritability
This feeling haunts every family man. Let's imagine that a woman comes home tired after a hard day at work. We need to help a capricious child do his homework. At the same moment, the husband asks to cook dinner. Irritation is a natural reaction to such a situation, because a woman expects a different picture, where she will be taken care of, loved and given the opportunity to relax.
The first key to reducing irritants is to have open, friendly conversations without pretense. Ask for help and support if you need it. To relieve irritation, listen to music, you can even dance with your child or scream to a loud tune. Another option is to get yourself a canvas and paints to bring out the negative. Find a way to vent your emotions.
Ways to forget your loved one
- Self-hypnosis can bring good results. To use it in practice, you should remember all the good and bad moments that are associated with this person, and then imagine them in your fist. After this, you need to imagine that they form a single object, and then “throw” it out the window or “break” it with your fist.
- In addition to internal work, you need to change the situation around you - change your lifestyle in general, change your daily routine and, in some ways, your environment, so that as few things as possible remind you of your lost love. The further away a man is, the easier it will be to forget him, so in no case should you look for a reason to meet him.
- Indeed, even a short separation will be beneficial - it will be easier to realize the meaninglessness of the lost relationship. You shouldn’t keep things you shared together - if you don’t have the strength to throw them away, then you should definitely hide them as far away as possible. The phone number of this subscriber must also be erased so that there is no temptation to dial. The effect of a person’s non-presence plays a huge role - his invisibility erases some information about this person from the psyche, and life becomes a little easier.
- It is important to work through your thoughts - instead of suffering or experiencing pangs of jealousy, it is better to engage in activities that require high concentration. For example, active physical activity will help you focus on your figure, and fatigue after it will be the best remedy for insomnia.
- From a distance, looking at the situation from the outside, you may be able to find flaws in a person that you did not see before. Maybe he is too selfish, jealous or greedy? There is no need to focus on the bad - you just need to realize that this man is also imperfect.
- You should forever abandon the desire to take revenge on a person or make him jealous. This desire will only exacerbate all your feelings and will largely worsen the situation as a whole. Having such plans, a person will always return his thoughts to his loved one. In such a situation, there is no thinking about how to get rid of love - there is only a desire to return it.
- It is important to let a person go, sincerely and from the heart. It's not easy, but it must be done. Without malice or other intentions. Do not accumulate resentment in your soul! Let this man go his own way.
Sometimes a suffering person chooses silence, and then withdraws into himself and suffers greatly. In this case, he may need a psychologist. Only a real specialist can provide all possible assistance.
What to do in a fit of anger
It is important to emphasize here that anger cannot be ignored. It needs to be thrown out, otherwise it turns into psychosomatic symptoms and harms health.
A person gets angry for various reasons - for example, when things don’t go according to plan or his personal boundaries are violated. To channel anger in a positive direction, you need to recognize the cause of your anger. It happens that a flash of anger even helps a person find business ideas. For example, if you didn’t like the service, you may come to a decision on how to improve the quality of service.
A breakup needs to be dealt with emotionally.
If you want to “kill” your love for the person with whom you have separated, then it is important to survive the loss.
In any relationship we receive something important and valuable for ourselves. And when our relationship ends, we are deprived of this. That is, we experience loss. And experiencing loss is a very painful process in which we go through several stages:
- Denial - we do not acknowledge the fact of the loss, we experience shock, we deny that the loss occurred.
- Anger - when we experience active anger at the one we lost, at ourselves, at life, at other people.
- Bargaining - when we believe that we can still return the one we lost, we try to “agree” with God, with ourselves, and think that the loss would not have happened if we had done something differently.
- Depression is a phase of intense sadness, apathy, when life has lost its meaning, etc.
- Acceptance is when we already acknowledge the fact of loss and can already move on with our lives.
The process of experiencing loss is a fairly long process that can last up to about a year (if it proceeds normally). And we can live through its stages out of order, but periodically return to previous stages - then we get angry, then we again begin to deny the fact of separation, then we are depressed, then we begin to get angry again, etc.
And it is important to allow yourself to live through all these stages and not block your emotions. Although this is a very painful process, it is important to go through it so that you can truly let go of your past relationship. And then start new ones.
How to deal with fear
“Like cures like” - this principle is suitable in the fight against fear.
If you are afraid of the dark, then take your loved one's hand and enter the room with your eyes closed. By opening them, you will make sure that nothing terrible has happened, and that your loved ones are still nearby. Think about what pros and cons fear brings into your life. And what needs to be done to eliminate it.
“It is not the coward who is afraid, but the one who lacks knowledge.” Is this fair for you? If yes, fill in the gap and seek professional help.
When love is unrequited
Unfortunately, not all of our feelings are shared by other people. It happens that we are attracted to a certain person, but he does not feel much desire to be in a relationship with us. And then we can experience very unpleasant feelings. Each of us has faced rejection to one degree or another. But someone quickly comes to terms with the other person’s refusal and goes on to look for someone who will reciprocate their feelings. And someone hangs for years in unhappy unrequited love, continuing to hope that their feelings will someday be shared.
How to deal with jealousy
It’s a rather stupid emotion, since we feel jealousy towards those people whom we have chosen ourselves. Here it is logical to ask the question: “Do I trust myself and my choice?”
The source of such destructive feelings is low self-esteem, selfishness, and negative experiences. A person is afraid of losing something because he does not feel the ground under his feet.
Talk openly and kindly with your partner about your concerns. Tell us in detail about your feelings. Surely he will assure you that there is no reason for jealousy. And you will stop projecting past negative experiences onto your current relationships.
If you don't want to talk to your loved one, then start taking more care of yourself. Remember how beautiful, smart you are and how much your chosen one loved you at the beginning of the relationship.
How to kill love in yourself?
Love is an insidious feeling that cripples the soul. How many people are crippled by love, and how many people died because of love. You can sympathize, fall in love, flirt, but you cannot love, give all of yourself to someone who will simply wipe their feet on your feelings. At first, love seems wonderful - feelings, a desire to be together, but then - disappointment. It’s hard when you love and are abandoned. My conviction did not come out of nowhere, I myself have gone through this HELL more than once. I'll tell you my story. At the age of 17, I fell in love. She was 2 years older than me and constantly told me that I was still a child, told me what to do, how to behave, how to dress, but at the same time she made me understand that she needed me. Me it infuriated me, but I loved her, and therefore I couldn’t leave her, but at the same time I suffered a lot. When I went into the army, she got married (they used to date, then broke up), this is familiar to many. After entering college, I had many affairs with beautiful girls, but there was no love, only sympathy, partings were easy, and I could easily move on. I get along with people easily, I was the eldest on the course (before enrolling, I served in the Pacific Fleet for 3 years), and the girls liked it. I met a new love, our romance lasted a year and a half, she swore her love to me, and for my birthday she gave me a “gift”, saying that she was returning to her ex-boyfriend, who once left her, but now wants to start all over again. I was having a hard time with the breakup, my soul was painful and empty. Then there were several romances, and at the age of 24 (in the 4th year) I got married by chance 5 months after we met. She was 18 years old. I didn’t love my wife, I just really liked her appearance (tall, slender, blue-eyed blonde), but I got married not only because of her appearance and pregnancy, I felt her attitude towards me - warmth and care, and it was easy and comfortable for me, something I didn’t feel in other girls. We had a daughter, my wife and I lived very friendly, we almost didn’t fight and didn’t experience any problems (we were more than well off financially). And 10 years later I met a woman I fell in love with. She’s 26, divorced, has a 5-year-old son .Her story was similar to the stories of my ex-girlfriends - she also loved, got married, and her husband left for another rich woman. Over 10 years of family life, I had short-term relationships, but I really fell in love with this woman, and so much that other women did not exist for me. We began to meet often, go on vacation together, her son called me “dad” (he did not see his father, because he was not yet a year old when he left them). A year later, she told me, that she realized that she loves only me, and her ex is indifferent to her (until then she continued to love him in her heart) and wants us to live together. I also really wanted this, but I was restrained by my responsibility to my family, and I told her that I couldn’t just pick up and leave, I had to prepare my family for this. She didn’t like my answer, and alienation appeared on her part, which over time as it seemed to me it had passed. So another year passed, and I went on a business trip for a month. I regularly called my beloved and decided to go to her. When I returned, I immediately went to my beloved to tell her about my decision, but she greeted me coldly, my decision did not make her happy. She said that she had to think about it. To confirm the seriousness of my intentions, I I bought a 4-room apartment (she lived in a Khrushchev-era two-room apartment), but she became even colder, began to ignore my calls more often (they used to call each other 10 times a day), and reduced our meetings to a minimum. Then I asked if she had another, and she replied that her ex showed up and began to come to the child, but most importantly, she said that she loved him again. To my question, “What about me?”, she replied that she loved us both, but did not yet know who she should stay with. A month later, she “delighted” me, saying that she had decided to be with him and, ironically, again on my birthday (April 16). For me it was a blow. I lost my head, I begged her to come back, I asked her to think, but she was cold and cruel, as if there was no such wonderful relationship between us. I saw her ex - a puny, short, balding blonde, and what did she see in him? Moreover, he abandoned her with her infant child (he didn’t even pay child support). I myself am dark-haired, height 184, athletic build, from my early youth I regularly go to the pool and gym, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. And this further intensified the resentment - who did they exchange me for?! “You can’t order your heart,” was her answer. But why? After all, I gave her all of myself, did a lot for her and her son. For six months, my brain was torn into pieces, life lost its meaning, everything was like some kind of fog, I didn’t want to meet anyone or even live. The work was a little distracting, but then everything came back again. I wanted to get rid of this nightmare, I waited for it to get better, but it got worse, an emptiness appeared, because besides the woman I loved, I had lost my family. But I still continued to love her. The only person who communicated with me was my 12-year-old daughter. It passed. more than six months and unexpectedly SHE called me, asked for forgiveness, said that she had made a mistake by leaving me (her “husband” left her again) and that she loved only me. And then something seemed to switch in my head: I felt better, life regained its colors, I felt that love had passed, but there was a desire for revenge. I pretended to be happy, said that I would be very glad if we were together, and the next day she moved in with me. 5 month honeymoon! I bought her expensive gifts, went on vacation to expensive resorts several times. I gave her an unforgettable holiday, but only for 5 months! As soon as I felt the sincerity of her feelings for me, when she finally decided to connect her life with me, I told her that everything was over between us and asked to vacate the apartment. You should have seen her reaction! She begged me not to leave her, cried, stood on her knees, but I didn’t change my decision, I KILLED LOVE IN MYSELF FOREVER!!! And I again felt at ease and comfortable, as when SHE was not in my life. And 10 days later my wife called (we were not officially divorced) and asked to come back. I’ll probably do just that. The main thing I realized for myself is that love is an insidious destroyer, and in order to be happy you need to KILL LOVE, uproot it from your soul.
How to stop worrying
Excessive anxiety is often caused by problems with the cardiovascular system, so consider visiting a doctor.
A moderate feeling of anxiety shows that we know how to take responsibility for what is happening. For example, a person has been promoted and now faces new tasks. He doesn’t want to let his manager down and is worried that he won’t be able to cope. But instead of worrying, it is better to think about how to act more effectively in the current situation. For example, what questions to ask the director in order to understand what result he expects from the team and from you personally.
If there are a lot of reasons for anxiety in your life, then try to find a way to quickly relax and relieve stress: meditation, yoga, breathing exercises. And also determine your personality type by level of development: child, adult, offended adult, sage. The first three are very susceptible to emotional manifestations, so anxiety may simply be a feature of your character, and not stem from life circumstances.
Notice this person's flaws
Every person has some shortcomings; ideal people do not exist in nature. But we have such psychological defense as idealization. And then we may not notice the presence of any shortcomings in another person; it may seem to us that the other is perfect. And then the fear of not meeting another like us can motivate us to continue a relationship that is long overdue for an end or that has actually already ended.
If it seems to you that the object of your love has no flaws, then try to discover his imperfections. So that you can look at this person more realistically. You can make a list of at least 30 shortcomings of the person you want to stop loving.
If you feel jealous
The best way to control black envy is to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remember what emotions you felt when they envied you. Was it pleasant?
In order to get rid of envy, first of all you need to determine your financial and social situation, as well as your emotional level. This will help you adequately look at yourself from the outside and understand how far you are from your desired goal.
So, for example, if you are jealous that a friend bought a car, write down the steps that will lead you to the same result. Focus on your own achievements and redirect envy in a positive direction.
Any feelings are important! Do not forbid yourself to express them, as this can negatively affect your health and destroy your personality from the inside. Use emotion control techniques to gain additional motivation and reach new heights.
Should I leave or stay?
If you're still undecided about whether to stay in a relationship or break it off, it's worth looking into what's actually motivating you to end the relationship.
Often, the desire to “kill” love and leave a partner actually hides the desire to get something from another person through demonstrative departure. That is, when a person does not actually intend to break up, but demonstrates this readiness in order to induce the partner to behave in some way.
And so you may ask yourself, do you really want to fall out of love and end the relationship? Or do you just want to get something from your partner this way? If you want to get it, what exactly?
If your departure is not demonstrative, and you really want to break off the relationship, then you can think about what you lack so that you can decide to stay in the relationship? And what are you missing so that you can leave this relationship?
Signs of poor attachment
The following signs indicate an unhealthy, that is, dependent, relationship:
- Feeling of shame for vacationing separately from your partner, wasting time and money on yourself.
- Sadness and anxiety when parting for a day or even for a few minutes.
- Fear of expressing your opinion, expressing emotions.
- The dependence of your mood on the mood of your partner. There is a similar dependence in actions and decisions.
- The desire to please your partner in everything, self-sacrifice.
But the main criterion for destructive attachment to a person is the danger or futility of the relationship. For example, you are unrequitedly in love or you are constantly beaten in a relationship.
Important! A healthy relationship is a union of two independent and mature individuals. Such people are good without each other, but together they are even better.
How to get your emotions back
So what to do if you stop feeling emotions? First you need to understand exactly what method of turning off emotions your psyche has chosen. The fact is that the human psyche is a complex and wise structure, therefore, if there is an excess of negative feelings, it can turn off unpleasant (and along with them pleasant) sensations in different ways, so that overload does not occur, and you can somehow function and survive, albeit bleakly.
There are two most common scenarios in which you stop feeling emotions:
1. Emotional burnout. This phrase is already familiar to many and means that for a long time your nervous system has been overloaded. Yes, yes, these are the consequences of that same chronic stress that slowly but surely leads to sluggish depression. “I don’t feel emotions,” says a person who is too tired of living and doing things. In this state, you usually have to do everything through “I can’t”, because with your mind you still understand why you need to go to work, play sports, meet with friends and improve in any activity, but your strength is becoming less and less.
2. State of affect after severe stress. Sometimes life can be cruel, none of us are ready for the loss of a loved one, bankruptcy, or the loss of something important. When something like this happens, the psyche urgently cuts off the ability to feel emotions and goes into energy-saving mode. In such cases, if the personality is not too hardened by difficulties, the person may not see the meaning of his existence. And if, with emotional burnout, you can float through life without desire, but still perform the necessary minimum of actions for survival, then here we can already talk about severe clinical depression. A person begins to lie in bed all day long, or play computer games, or even spend all his days drinking a bottle, not caring at all about his food, his health, or his loved ones.
How to learn to feel: simple ideas
Many of my clients have said more than once: “Well, I ask myself how I can do it, but I still can’t...”
Indeed, often access to one’s own feelings is blocked so tightly by fears of pain and rejection that a person is unable to hear anything at first. Overcoming such blocks and fears is what most often happens in the process of working with a psychologist, and it is difficult to theoretically describe how this is done.
However, there are simple things that, with a certain amount of persistence, can help you cope with even serious internal blocks on your own.
How to learn to feel if nothing responds inside?
Focus on the sensations of your body
Start noticing it. If you “feel nothing,” that’s not entirely true. You notice your body at least when something hurts. Learning to feel is noticing more subtle signals.
For example, touch all the objects in the house. Form an idea of what you like to touch and what you don’t. Try to become aware of how your body feels at certain moments. Are you comfortable at your workplace? Is it comfortable at home, in the places where you sit, lie, sleep?
Learn the smells that attract you and repel you. Delve deeper into the taste of food. Ask yourself the question often: what is my body feeling at the moment? Is it tense or relaxed? If it’s tense – where? Or maybe we can understand why?
Slow down the pace
From the fact that you will rush with all your might to work, home, while walking, doing housework, etc. – you are unlikely to win much. 5 minutes, maximum. And that inner bustle and ignoring your own feelings will cost you a lot of wasted days, later spent in experiencing bodily ailments.
Take your time. Vanity is in your head. Living with feelings is living in the present, and accordingly, this is an opportunity to be more effective. When you are in the current moment, aware of everything that is happening to you, you see much more and can do much more than when you rush headlong somewhere, not noticing anything around you and generating anxiety.
You can notice and see yourself, your partner, the world only when you focus on it. And if you are focused only on what you still need to do, then you do not see yourself, or others, or the world. You only see a hypothetical future. Which doesn't always happen at all.
Living without awareness of feelings is living blindly. You may not notice the signals of your own body and psyche, and step on the same rake many times without understanding why. Learning to feel means opening up the ability to navigate yourself and the world, be focused on yourself and the current moment, and be more effective.
Is it worth asking for help from higher powers?
If the desired calm does not come, you can try turning to higher powers. You should resort to this method only when you feel such a need. Remember, no matter how good the magician is, he will not solve anything for you. You will have to work on yourself and your life even after the most powerful ritual.
The simplest spell (to fall out of love) can be done at home. To do this, light a candle and, looking at the flame, remember your ex-man. Imagine that thin threads are stretching from you to it. Now wish him all the best and cut them all with a candle flame. You should feel liberated; if this does not happen, you should repeat the ritual in a couple of days.
Those who do not believe in magic can try going to church. Pray for liberation from mental burden and ask for female happiness in the future. Confession or a confidential conversation with a priest can also help. Perhaps during the conversation you will understand why distance kills love and what is the reason that your relationship has not stood the test of time.
It’s worth visiting church even if you’re skeptical, because even if it doesn’t help you, you won’t lose anything.
Deal with your emotions
Don't know how to turn off emotions? Before you think about it, you should understand the reason for their appearance. Emotions are a consequence, and it will not be possible to eliminate them without knowing the cause. How to find the root of the problem that is causing so much inconvenience? Monitor your feelings carefully.
Every time a wave of feelings comes up, whether they are good or bad, notice the reason for their occurrence. It will take a long time to make such observations, at least for a month. During this period of time, you will be able to collect fairly accurate statistics regarding how you feel and in what situations. And what now needs to be done with the collected information? Apply it.
Whenever you find yourself in a situation that might cause you strong emotions, try to get ahead of them. If you say to yourself everything that will happen a second later, it may simply not happen. Feelings are controlled by the brain, and if you make a game out of the process of having them, you will soon learn to understand what you should feel, but not experience it.
Using the example of experiencing anger
Let's look at this complex reaction using the example of the experience of anger.
As three different languages tell us about this:
- “She has no right to do this! This is TERRIBLY unfair!” - thought
- Feels anger, irritation, anger - emotions
- Your shoulders and arms are tense, your heart is pounding—these are sensations in your body .
This is how they described their feelings when they were angry in my survey:
It burns in your chest, your face burns, and you break into a sweat.
Rapid heartbeat, hot head, sometimes leading to migraine, tension in the arms - especially in the hands.Fists clench, arms and legs tremble, teeth clench, breathing intensifies.
A rush of blood or negative energy to the head.
Look at the heat map of a person in anger: all the energy went up and into the hands.
Develop self-confidence
How to learn to turn off emotions? Train self-confidence. A person who considers himself an excellent specialist and a wonderful person will be less irritable and more objective. A self-confident person will be cool-headed. Look at any famous businessman. Its very appearance inspires calm and tranquility. A person feels a similar state within himself. A person can suppress his emotions by withdrawing from them. High self-esteem does not allow the brain to break through the psychological defenses, and it does not panic every time it hears not very pleasant things about itself or about loved ones. A person who can independently judge certain circumstances and not listen to gossip will go very far.
Why can people deliberately spoil the mood of others? Energy vampires feed on the emotions of weak-willed people. How do vampires turn off emotions? They piss you off and boost their self-esteem at your expense. Don't let anyone do this.
Behavior change
When a feeling has no further continuation, a lot of free time and space in the heart is freed up: it needs to be occupied with interesting things - new or long forgotten, but necessarily bringing joy and requiring attention. When expanding your social circle, you should not be left alone with your thoughts: an interesting hobby and physical activity will help you get rid of this condition.
Sports and dancing are an effective remedy against jealousy and negative emotions, which will prevent you from falling into depression.
It is important to maintain a positive mood: listen to pleasant music, visit public places, spend free time with friends.
A new attachment can relieve negative experiences: the main thing is not to get carried away with looking for a serious relationship or fleeting dates. Let everything happen by itself: it is much more pleasant to enjoy the moment than to make plans that may not come true. A new relationship is what will help kill old love, heartache and jealousy. However, you should not look for a person similar to your former chosen one: this will bring up unpleasant memories and lead to previous mistakes.
