What is abuse and how does it happen?
In a fairly short period of time, this concept has become very widespread. In general, abuse is violence. Moreover, the violence is not only physical and sexual, but also emotional. And it can manifest itself in various kinds of relationships.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Manifestations of physical and sexual violence are, in principle, understandable. You can't hide it. Psychological abuse is much more difficult to recognize. Suppression, violence, criticism, mockery, torment, devaluation - it can take different, not always obvious forms. Therefore, it is more difficult for the victim to understand who he is dealing with.
Psychologist Yana Slyusareva
Archive of Yana Slyusareva
Don't rush into a new relationship
After ending your story with a toxic partner, take a break for at least a year, or even 2-3 years .
.
Keep in mind: without painstaking inner work, psychological recovery and maturation are impossible, which means that the likelihood that a new relationship will be healthy is low. “Do a detailed debriefing: how did you attract the abuser, why did you endure humiliation and put up with devaluation, what attitudes you need to acquire and what behavioral skills to master in order not to be a tasty morsel for psychologically damaged men,” the
expert lists. You must also be sure that you can recognize aggressors and despots “from a distance” - before a serious relationship begins.
alternativesdundee.org
At the same time, meeting representatives of the opposite sex, flirting, going on dates, and having sex is not forbidden. Just be careful: do not allow emotional merging
with a new friend.
If you, without really getting to know a man, begin to dream that he will ask you to marry, and fantasize about what your common children will look like, decisively return yourself from the land of dreams to the “here and now.” According to the psychologist, the best thing you can do for yourself during this period is to simply enjoy communication
and enjoy genuine interest and recognition of a real person.
***
As you can see, you shouldn’t fall into despair when you realize that you live with a victim complex. This is not a sentence. “On the one hand, people change slowly, on the other, those who are full of ardent desire and determination to “rewrite” their picture of the world and reboot the system of life values will definitely achieve results - some earlier, some later,”
– Nadezhda Georgieva inspires. Moreover, in moments of crisis, people often feel an unprecedented surge of strength and courage, which leads to lightning-fast changes in their consciousness and life.
Who can be an abuser?
The abuser has no gender: it can be either a man or a woman—your colleague, friend, spouse, or even relative. They are skilled manipulators, their goal is to squeeze out as much emotion as possible and to assert themselves at your expense.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Abusers typically come from two personality types: psychopaths and narcissists. The former have no problems with themselves: they do not take responsibility for their actions, are not inclined to introspection - they do not look for problems in themselves. Therefore, it is very difficult for them to build relationships with others. In addition, psychopaths have a flat spectrum of feelings: they experience only negative emotions. No matter what you do, love will never come to a psychopath.
Narcissism in a person manifests itself in excessive self-love. Although in reality such people are very insecure inside and depend on other people’s opinions. In their life, the main goal is success, and often their victims are those who have achieved success in life, are bright and successful.
By the way, the cause of abusive behavior is not always childhood trauma or family script processes, as everyone is accustomed to believe. Scientists have not yet established the exact causes of such behavioral disturbances.
Overcome shame
Many victims of psychological violence do not tell what they experienced, even to relatives and friends. “Unfortunately, our society tolerates violence. From childhood, people get used to the fact that it is acceptable to slightly raise a hand against someone who is weaker than you: they say, how else can you teach reason to a child or wife who behaves inappropriately, but the words do not reach them?! Turn on any talk show: many ordinary people justify rapists, even those whose hands are stained with blood, and sympathize with them immensely, while the victims are branded with shame and contempt. Of course, psychological violence, which does not leave bruises, seems to many to be a made-up problem,”
- says the psychologist.
This is why women who have suffered from “bloodless” abuse are overcome with painful shame. They fear that by sharing their story, they will not receive support, but at best, passive condemnation
from “maybe you provoked him?” to “you yourself allowed yourself to be treated like this.”
schmidtandclark.com
Look for a way to convince yourself that any violence, including verbal violence, is unacceptable
.
When you accept this conviction not only mentally, but emotionally, there will be no trace of shame left. Communicate with sisters in misfortune who, before you, decided to put an end to humiliation and devaluation against them and have achieved success, undergo a course of psychotherapy, get acquainted with books and films that touch on the topic of domestic violence. “Try
to see yourself, your situation from the outside .
If what opens to your eyes outrages you and fills you with compassion for yourself, your determination to change your life will increase,” Nadezhda Georgieva assures.
How to recognize abuse?
Some abusers are visible right away - already at the beginning of a relationship. As a rule, they hide behind masks of being kind, sensitive and loving.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
At first, the abuser will seem perfect. Give gifts, pay attention to every little detail, conquer. You need to remember: such people very often make loud declarations of love and quickly move on to talking about the future: meeting their parents, moving, marriage, children.
Teenager. Violence.
CC0
The problems will start a little later. The abuser will be offended and reproach: you don’t love me, you don’t think about me, you don’t want to spend time with me. Most likely, he will stop supporting - on the contrary, he will begin to make fun of and humiliate. In this case, one way or another, you will remain to blame: failures in business, spoiled mood or life in general.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Another indicator is the attitude towards others. If a person cruelly treats animals or children, throws mud at his past chosen ones, is envious and shifts his responsibility to third parties, but he himself is never to blame for anything, you can safely start sounding the alarm.
Another indicator is ubiquitous control. The abuser will try his best to monitor your behavior, your language, your finances, your time. Can impose his opinion on friends and family, try to protect, isolate from loved ones.
Jail.
CC0
Perhaps he will try to “close” his victim at home: he will offer to leave work, he will be against hiking and walking even in the company of a long-familiar company. Abusers are jealous, even when there is no reason for it. They may spy on you under the guise of “honest and open relationships.” Reading your personal SMS, exchanging social network passwords - all with the words: “I love you. We have nothing to hide from each other.”
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Such people are changeable in their mood - it deteriorates very quickly, often out of nowhere. After communicating with such a person, you may feel discomfort and even anxiety. If you catch yourself doing this, try to figure out what exactly caused it, ask yourself: “What is happening to me now?”
Chronicles of an abuser: not a day without violence
Together with family psychologist Sofia Pimenova, Pobeda26 figured out how to avoid becoming a victim of an abuser. It is generally accepted that abuse is no less than a blow to the face. However, abuse occurs more often in life. It manifests itself in persuasion to drink on the first date, in the use of derogatory nicknames, in passive aggression. An abuser can be a man, a woman, or even a child. How to recognize a manipulator and what to do if you suddenly realize that you are a victim of abuse?
“A woman who has no backbone will make concessions”
Artyom and Anastasia studied at the university together. We talked and sometimes met each other at student parties. Then life took everyone on their own path. Five years later, Anastasia’s quiet everyday life was disturbed by an unexpected call: Artyom suggested meeting at a restaurant. The girl did not refuse. At the end of the date, after endless compliments, the young man took a box with a ring from his pocket. He admitted that Anastasia is the ideal that he has been looking for all his life. Then the girl thought this act was romantic. After a few months of family life, Artyom changed. He began to be jealous, make trouble and reproach. Anastasia had no idea that she had fallen into the clutches of an abuser.
How to recognize an abuser on the first date?
— We’re talking about a couple at the very beginning of a relationship: she’s just met a man, he’s cool. How can you tell that he is an abuser? First of all, if he starts a relationship exaggeratedly quickly. Immediately gives expensive gifts. For example: there was only one meeting, they just drank coffee, and the very next day he gives her an expensive gift and says - you are my ideal, I am ready to marry you. That is, he takes it unceremoniously.
Simply put, does it idealize a partner?
— Psychologists have a term: the Madonna-Whore complex. It lies in the fact that some men of a certain character first treat a woman like Madonna - with exaggerated admiration. In my opinion, it is impossible to understand from one meeting whether you are suitable for each other or not. Then, when a woman enters into this relationship and gets married, she turns into a whore: she loses her value. And you can treat her accordingly. Thus, the first reason for a woman to think is whether the start is too fast?
Besides the quick start, are there any other markers?
— Abuse manifests itself in small things. For example, a first date, a couple is sitting in a cafe. The girl says she doesn't want to drink. A normal person will not insist. The abuser will say, okay, it’s okay just once. Now, the ignoring of other people’s desires has already begun. And a normal woman who has a backbone will not date such a man again. A woman who has no backbone, no matter how strong she may seem outwardly, will make concessions. Well, really, you can drink it once. It's not necessarily about alcohol. The examples are different. Maybe she doesn't like him smoking in front of her. Something has to violate a woman's boundaries.
That is, if on the first date there is an offer to drink, then there is definitely an abuser nearby?
- Not just such a proposal, but any request that violates boundaries. Anything that will violate your personal space. There is nothing terrible in the proposal itself. The terrible thing is that if you say no, that no will not be heard. There is nothing abnormal in the offer to drink or smoke. Maybe the man really wants it. But he must understand that if it makes someone else uncomfortable, then stop.
Do abusers target strong or weak people?
— An abuser can take a strong, bright, courageous woman who attracts attention. And break it. This will raise his self-esteem. It's easier to break a pacifier or a gray mouse, but it doesn't grow the ego that way. Therefore, an abuser can choose an outwardly very strong woman. Usually inside she has fear, uncertainty, trauma. And the abuser feels this very well.
Can abusers say good things, give gifts, and why do they do this?
- Of course they can. Any victim of an abuser has an excuse: sometimes I feel very good with him, sometimes he’s normal. But all these gifts have a hidden meaning behind them. There are no sincere gifts from abusers. They will still remember one day: “I bought you boots, gave you a car, but you still remained a fool!”
So this is pure calculation and manipulation?
- Not really, it’s just behavior in the nature of an abuser. It is almost impossible to change an abuser if he does not want to. And more often than not, it makes no sense for him to change.
“No matter what she does, he will still hit.”
Elena is a freelancer, wife and mother of two children. She learned to combine the impossible: part-time work and raising children. While her son is in kindergarten and her daughter is at school, Elena sits down at the computer. Several hours a day bring her an average of 15 thousand a month. At first everything went well, but then insults began to pour in from my husband. Every evening, when he returned from work, he started a scandal. At first, he ridiculed his wife’s attempts to earn money. Then he moved on to open insults. Elena repeatedly heard that her work could not be compared with her husband’s workload. Naturally, productivity dropped sharply and income decreased. Elena began asking fellow freelancers about how to return to work in such a situation. It didn't even occur to her that the problem was hiding elsewhere.
Can people live with an abuser for years?
- Yes, many people come to me and they have a clear idea in their heads that abuse is when you are beaten. Abuse is not only physical violence. I have clients who live for 5-6 years in marriages with real abusers. When a woman fails at something, for example, the pie is burnt, the man begins to insult and humiliate her. Such clients come to me and ask to save their family. They say they love their husband and the family is wonderful. To remarks that insults are not normal, they respond: “But he didn’t hit me.”
Based on this, it turns out that there are a lot of victims of abuse...
— According to some statistics, 85% of us are people with a borderline condition. That is, these people live in such a sick environment. They are unhappy, but they accept this as the norm. People don't even know that this is violence. Well, he called me a fool, but we have love and children. But abuse is not necessarily physical violence. This is, in principle, a failure to satisfy the basic needs of the partner. The need for respect is an equally important human need. It is clear that it is not as deep as the need for food or sleep, but also basic.
Is it possible to help a person if he does not see that he is living with an abuser?
— He should come to a psychologist. Or at least just think: what’s wrong with me? Because there is something wrong with him too. People in a couple are linked to each other. Yes, the husband is an abuser. But there is a certain problem with it too. She takes such communication as the norm, that is, she believes that she can be treated like this. And when she comes, the psychologist tells her that it shouldn’t be like this.
There is a therapeutic technique that quickly dots all the i’s. The question that puts everything in its place: “Would you like your child to live in the same marriage as you?” It works especially well if a woman has a daughter. And if the answer is “no,” and most often the answer is “no, I don’t want my daughter to hear insults,” then the psychologist asks the following question: “Why don’t you want a similar future for her, but you yourself live in such conditions?” This technique works well because the person usually strives to give the best to their children.
What else do you need to pay attention to in order to understand whether you are living with an abuser or not?
— First of all, for the presence of passive aggression. In this case, the abuser does not swear directly, but makes it clear in every possible way that his partner is unworthy of him. For example, a woman says: “Darling, let’s go eat.” And the man walked up to the stove, opened the frying pan, sniffed it, grimaced and left.
For sabotage, when something is important for one person, he asks, but is not heard. For example, when they ask not to call something in front of friends. But the partner doesn’t hear. Sabotage of desires occurs. One person made a demand, but the other didn't care. He openly ignores other people's needs.
In general, I always recommend that clients rely on their sense of self. Listen to yourself. Ask the question: “Am I really happy? Or has the lack of happiness become the norm?” And ask the question again: “Would I like my child to live the same way?” If not, you have a problem.
Is it true that the main characteristic of an abuser is mood swings?
- This is not a defining feature, but yes. Including manic phases of excitement - breakdowns - occur on loved ones. For example, a husband comes home with a gray face from anger and lies down on the sofa. And the woman knows that no matter what she does, he will still hit. She is only to blame for living with him and accepting violence as the norm. The woman is not to blame for his specific problems. The man picked up negativity from the outside: he was told nasty things at work, someone cut him off. Abusers very often have swings with self-esteem. And so he did not defend himself in front of his boss. And at home he has an object through which he can assert himself.
So it turns out that abusers are narcissists?
— Abusers are not always narcissists, but narcissists are always abusers. Narcissists are abusive in certain ways. They have no empathy at all. They don’t care whether their partner feels bad or not. For example, a narcissistic mother. She knows you have an exam. And she demands: “Write to me, I’m worried!” And so on several times. That is, she puts herself above everything that happens to you. Narcissists do not meet the self-esteem needs of others. Such mothers, if we are talking about parents, often get sick and do not recover for a very long time. The child wants to leave, and every time, right before the move, the mother either has a heart attack, or a fracture, or a cold. And so all the time.
Is this also an abuse?
— We are talking more about toxicity here, if we talk about formal psychological definitions. Toxicity is also a type of abuse. There is harm to mental health, but indirectly.
“The fact that there are more abusers among men is a stereotype”
When Anatoly met Alexandra, everything was fine. A few months after they moved in together, problems began. At first it all seemed like a joke. In the company of mutual friends, Alexandra made fun of her man’s shortcomings. When he asked him to stop, she shrugged her shoulders and said: “Come on, you’re a man, why do you need cute jokes?”
The “nice jokes” were followed by real reproaches. Daily. Behind them is passive aggression in the form of insults and silent strikes. Criticism, jokes and insults had one goal - to do as Alexandra wants. Did Anatoly consider himself a victim of an abuser? Of course not. He, like other people, was accustomed to thinking that only women suffer from domestic violence. Anatoly did not go to a psychologist, and the couple broke up for a long time, painfully and painfully.
Are women often abusers?
— The fact that there are more abusers among men is a stereotype. Men also suffer. Women just have slightly different methods. We are used to thinking that a man beats and a woman endures. But a woman can nag or press guilt, ridicule, giggle. She can be friends with children against dad, easily. For example, a woman may say: “We would go for a walk, but your dad got drunk again.”
Abuse implies a gradation of manifestations. Violence begins with disrespect. Most often, the victim tolerates the initial manifestations, tolerates ridicule or disrespect, and the abuse moves to the next level. First, “Daddy just got drunk,” then “Daddy is an asshole,” then the woman might hit.
Can children be abusers?
— A child can be an abuser towards another child. In relation to an adult - no. I'm talking about children under 18 years of age. But there are nuances. If, for example, a child is drawn into a war and he is on the side of his father. Then he, together with his father, will show abuse towards his mother: insult, humiliate. There are such examples. When a man initially treats a woman with contempt, after some time, and the child adopts this, he becomes infected. It turns out their mother is such a fool. This is not always directly stated in words, but it always manifests itself. Everyone in the house giggles at Mom. The child is not to blame for this. He has no choice. He lives in the system and he takes this model as a working one. Not because he is bad or there is something wrong with him. But because this is his only way to survive and maintain mental health.
So, it is useless to drag a child to a psychologist if, for example, he calls his mother names?
— Working with children is useless if parents do not go to a psychologist. Parents often come and ask to do something with their child so that he will obey. But it doesn't work. If parents don’t change, everything is meaningless. He will listen to the psychologist, understand something, return home and do as is customary there.
Do abusers rarely come to a psychologist and admit their problem?
— They come, but they have other requests. The abuser's request essentially sounds like this: help me break another person. For example, changing a child. Make sure that the child obeys him or the wife obeys. They don't ask you to work with them themselves. A normal psychologist, of course, refuses.
Does family therapy help in such cases?
“If a couple comes together, that’s already very good.” This means that they have the strength to join hands and reach a psychologist. People who come to therapy together have a better chance. This is already a marker that they can at least agree on something.
Are the chances high in this case?
- There are always chances. In any case, there is a chance for a healthy separation. For me, as a family therapist, saving a family is not an indicator of work. Families are not always preserved. An indicator of quality work is the happiness of each partner. When they are happier separately than together. It doesn't really matter whether they stay together or separate.
Is it possible to recover from a relationship with an abuser without the help of a specialist?
- It depends on how deeply a person has entered into a relationship. You can recover without therapy, but a person must have self-analysis skills, read the right books, and be able to listen to themselves. It's possible, but difficult.
Irina Krymskaya
Illustrations: Polenka Tarasevich
Who can become a victim of abuse?
Anyone can find themselves in the place of a victim. People who grew up in similar relationships and families are especially vulnerable. However, breaking the connection is not easy. If you see one or more of the signs we mentioned, carefully analyze the person’s behavior.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
If you realize that you have linked your life with an abuser, leave. Do not have any illusions that a person will change, even if he swears to do so. The longer you stay in such a relationship, the more dependence will be developed. Have you read about beauty and the beast, where everything ends with a happy ending? In reality, tyrants do not change.
It is difficult to leave a relationship for those who are afraid of public opinion, condemnation and publicity. For those who are afraid of loneliness or financial dependence on their chosen one. It is difficult for a woman with children to say goodbye to men. Like, “who needs me with such baggage?”
Some remain victims because of hidden benefits: empathy, support, drawing attention to themselves and their problems. Compared to the aggressor, the victim is always in a positive light.
Sadness. Depression. Mask
CC0
Get rid of Stockholm syndrome
Having put an end to the relationship with the abuser, a woman who has gotten used to the role of the victim is in an anxious but determined mood for some time, and then she is overcome by bitter regrets about the breakup
. One after another, scenes emerge in my memory where the ex showed himself on the positive side: he showed kindness, surrounded him with care, helped in a difficult situation, gave a generous gift, inspired him with a compliment. And the memories of his unworthy behavior, on the contrary, fade. As a result, the woman is torn by doubts: “Did I make a mistake? After all, he can be good... I guess I should have behaved differently. He would probably change...” This is how Stockholm syndrome manifests itself.
missbagira.ru
“Victims tend to merge with the aggressor
- this is how the psyche protects itself from traumatic reality or the past.
It takes time and dedicated effort to “separate.” If emotional dependence persists, the woman, who just yesterday was wildly rejoicing at her newfound freedom, begins to justify the abuser and looks for the reason for his aggression in her “wrong” behavior. Since the victim’s background experiences have long been anxiety and fear, she is not able to think rationally - emotions take over power over thoughts and behavior,” explains the psychologist.
A frequent companion of Stockholm syndrome is post-traumatic stress disorder.
(PTSD), in which, in particular, individual episodes of life with a tyrant are erased from memory or seem unreal. The negativity associated with it is forced out of consciousness. “Was it for real or did I make it up?” “Was I really treated poorly or am I exaggerating?” – if such questions arise, contact people who witnessed those events, reconstruct the past together with a psychologist.
Is it possible to rehabilitate an abuser?
Such people don't change. If simply walking away seems overwhelming, try the dark stone method. It will simply allow the offender to become bored.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Your main task is not to give the abuser a response: hysterics, tears and other emotions that he seeks. This is a sick man. And everything he tells you has nothing to do with reality - there is no point in being offended by him. Moreover, this also fuels him. For greater effect, stop being flashy for a while: dress discreetly, talk to him only about everyday routine.
The first reaction may be a conflict provoked by the abuser in order to, so to speak, bring you to your senses. But if you stand your ground, he will have no choice but to look for a new victim.
Woman, violence.
CC0
It will be very difficult to go through this path alone, so surround yourself with close people and do not neglect the help of qualified specialists. You need to carefully consider your escape routes in case things don't go according to plan.
You may even have to save money and decide in advance where you will live and work. However, it is not always possible to end a relationship with a toxic person. For example, your child may be an abuser.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
It is impossible to get out of such a relationship. Here we can only talk about mental defense mechanisms. The abuser is fed by your reaction and emotions. This means you need to stop giving them.
It is important to explain to your child that you cannot behave this way. After the crisis in the relationship passes, he will make the right attitudes towards relationships with other people.
Learn to like yourself
Those who are accustomed to ridicule, humiliation and devaluation have their self-confidence undermined. This is why many women, having ended a relationship with an abuser, experience severe discomfort and quickly look for a new partner. A categorical refusal, for example, to try oneself in a new, more prestigious position also indicates low self-esteem. As well as the desire to help everyone, although she herself does not have the resources.
Victims of violence do not adequately evaluate themselves and their qualities. With this in mind, start getting to know yourself.
.
“Listen to your desires, please yourself with little things, take care of your body and external attractiveness.
Be sure to do something that you couldn’t find time for before: read books, study a foreign language, master a new specialty - in a word, invest in self-development ,
the psychologist recommends. – Your goal is to awaken interest in yourself. If you achieve it, you can become invulnerable to psychological rapists.”
articulate-awards.com
Try to establish what emotional needs you met in your relationship with your abuser
– and how you can get what you need without putting yourself in danger.
“You have to figure out why you, for example, strived at all costs to be in a couple or have the status of a married woman, or what gave you the feeling that you were loved and needed by your partner.
If you get to the bottom of the underlying reasons, you will become more conscious and psychologically mature,” says Nadezhda Georgieva.
And he adds: “This will strengthen your sense of self-worth and increase your level of self-worth.”
