Cognitive load
Cognitive load occurs when processes such as thinking, attention, and memory are involved. That is, a person is overexerted mentally. But how can you understand during a conversation that the other person is lying? Psychologists have proven that lying is much more difficult than telling the truth. The brain becomes tense and the person becomes overly nervous.
Wants others to feel what he feels
You usually want to tell the truth to specific people whose stories are somewhat related. For example, one girl could not get married for a long time. Then, when she was already well over thirty, she was forced to agree “to the first person she met.” And this woman is unhappy because she has not met a worthy man, but must endure the unloved so as not to be left alone.
And then I meet a friend who complains that her personal life is not going well. And this woman declares: “Did you think that someone needs you at thirty? Normal men have been snapped up a long time ago.” Obviously, the friend was expecting support, but then she heard such an offensive statement. In fact, such words were addressed by the interlocutor primarily to herself; they reflected her inner pain. And she wanted her friend to feel the emotions that she was experiencing.
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Honesty - self-acceptance
Sigmund Freud argued that the need to tell the truth is very strong in people. The reason for this is that a person wants to be understood by others. But often he himself does not understand and does not accept himself. He puts on one mask, exchanges it for another, but cannot even imagine that he can live without them.
The better a person understands himself, the more difficult it is for him to lie to himself and others.
People lie to appear in a favorable light to others, but their inner voice tells them that the meaning of our existence lies in something completely different. The better a person understands and accepts himself, the more honest he becomes.
How to tell the truth to people
In the modern world, branding, including personal branding, is very important. But the fact is that by creating it, we also lie, therefore, we fall into the pit of lies. To avoid falling, you will have to tell the truth.
People don't really like honesty very much. Who would like it when they tell him that the highly paid job he chose is not his, the woman he loves does not love him, etc.? Really, no one. So yesterday's friends can migrate to the category of enemies.
But in fact, even a personal brand can be built on honesty. There is no need to post beautiful photos, talk about how cool you are and how great everything is with you. Everyone is used to this. Let's try to go the other way and tell people the truth, that is, what you think and what other people are like in your eyes. You will have to go through several stages.
Stage 1. They won’t want to communicate with you.
White lie
However, there are situations in life when lying is necessary. Sometimes you have to tell a lie so as not to offend a person. If a friend's dress, in our opinion, is tasteless, most often we will praise it. I don’t want to spoil a person’s mood, and besides, it’s his choice that needs to be respected.
But there are situations when the truth can hurt a person or harm him. Before telling a person about a serious illness or betrayal, you need to think ten times whether the truth will be too heavy a blow for him.
Truth and conscience
The truth of any person is what he himself considers to be the truth, but it is always subjective. But he must listen to other people's opinions so as not to feel that he is “always right.” Each of us has a conscience, and if it torments us, it means that the truth is not on our side.
The voice of conscience, no matter how we try to drown it out, will “knock” at us again and again, like a postman bringing an important letter. Then there will be nothing left to do but open the door and let in the truth that we don’t want to know.
Watch the timbre
The brain is terribly honest, it doesn’t like to lie, it makes it upset. For the body, lying is excessive stress. Therefore, both men and women speak in a higher voice than usual when lying - this is an unconscious reaction to stress. We always squeak when we are nervous. So let the jazz depth and velvet into your voice, otherwise they will burn you.
Why do people lie
“I don’t know what to do with myself. I constantly lie - I embellish stories, and sometimes I completely “remake” them, passing off my own fantasies as reality. I lie to everyone - my friends, my parents, my husband. The most recent case: I told my husband that I was rude at the clinic, although this was not the case. I was just offended that the doctor didn’t see me, so I lied. I didn’t expect this, but my husband began calling higher authorities and demanding that the employees who insulted me be punished immediately. The truth, of course, came out. As a result, I had to make excuses to everyone - my husband and doctors. My husband was shocked and looked at me in amazement - they say, she’s such an adult, but she came up with some nonsense. He forgave me because he loves me. But can he continue to tolerate me, because the habit of lying has not gone away? I still lie - about little things and big things. I can't control myself and become honest. I don’t know how to stop lying to the person I love.”
— Irina, 23 years old
It is impossible to stop constantly lying to people without understanding what exactly pushes you to lie. People lie because:
- Since childhood we have been accustomed to being “unreal”;
- they want to appear in the best light in the eyes of others;
- want to absolve themselves of responsibility or justify any actions;
- want to manipulate others;
- strive to gain some benefit;
- want to meet the expectations of loved ones;
- they are afraid of offending their interlocutor;
- afraid to be honest and open;
- truly believe that their lies are true. [2]
Use distraction and switching
A true master of deception, like the Spanish matador, draws his sword only at the decisive moment and delivers only one blow. The rest of the time, he skillfully distracts the victim's attention with the help of skillful movements of his red cloak. The art of lying uses similar techniques, and sometimes skillfully switching the interlocutor’s attention to another object or changing the topic of conversation eliminates the need to lie altogether. Think over your line of behavior in advance in such a way that you don’t have to tell a lie at all. Just be careful not to overdo it, because incompetent use of a muleta can cost the matador his life!
He doesn't give advice, he just criticizes
A simple example. For example, you came in a beautiful outfit, and your friend immediately tells you that the clothes fit terribly, don’t suit you and make you look very fat. Maybe that's true, but did you ask her opinion? If not, then the friend is showing envy. It’s completely different when you asked if an outfit suited you and then received an answer upon request. And it can be different. If a friend is straightforward, she may express her point of view in a rude manner, and this will only indicate the peculiarities of her character.
Some artists admit that their biggest critics are their parents. They can express their opinion about their creativity, but even negative comments will not be perceived poorly by children. After all, they know that their parents give feedback, wishing them well.
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Unexpected questions
Of course, a person can be well prepared for a lie and think through his answers in advance. Therefore, deliberate lies are quite difficult to detect. However, if a person has prepared well and thought through the answers, then it is worth asking completely unexpected questions. He who tells the truth will find his bearings and consistently move the story forward. Whoever lies will not be able to tie ends meet.
Negative consequences of lying
None of the reasons for intentional lying lead to a productive outcome. The problems that a person lied about or kept silent about will not cease to exist. And his real social status will not increase due to fictitious achievements and successes. It is quite possible to trick another person into doing something, but lies tend to be revealed, and then next time no one will want to deal with you.
The person who lies:
- susceptible to depression and oppressive fear,
- lonely and has communication problems,
- often gets into exhausting conflicts,
- has a bad reputation among colleagues and few acquaintances,
- loses himself as a person. [3]
Never make excuses or confess
If you are suspected of lying, then the worst thing you can do is to start inventing more and more lies to justify yourself. If the building is shaking, then it is necessary to escape from it, and not urgently complete new floors. Therefore, respond to all accusations with proud, offended silence or switching to another topic.
As for “voluntary surrender,” this is tantamount to a direct shot in the temple. There are often situations when the truth is equally harmful for both sides and the party accusing you, just like you, despite all the harassment, would not want to hear it. Never give up, even when your back is against the wall. Stand your ground against logic, evidence and common sense.
You will become free
And the last, most pleasant stage - you will become free from your golden cage of your own brand and build yourself a new brand that will have no boundaries. If before, you didn’t say what you really liked or what you really thought about this or that issue because you were afraid of not pleasing someone or losing friends, now you can safely say what you really think. Because there will be people around who like you precisely because of their personal preferences, and not because you agree with them just to please.
And it will definitely become easier for you, because now you won’t have to keep track of what you wrote, or what you wore, or who you now appear with in photographs. You are you. And there are those people next to you who love you, value you and trust you precisely because of this.
Honesty should not be confused with outright rudeness and rudeness. This freedom does not mean that you can say nasty things left and right. This freedom means that you can now build your personal brand on trust, make yourself better, and learn to be responsible for what you say.
Lying is akin to being an actor
The art of lying is sometimes compared to acting. However, not all of us are actors, so not every accountant, builder or seamstress, for example, will be able to get into the role. You can resort to publicly available information with tips on how to learn to lie. But oddly enough, they do not always correspond to publications on how to recognize a liar. Therefore, we will act differently - we will use the weapons of whistleblowers in favor of those being exposed.
- To expose a liar, you need to closely observe the action of his left hand. The secret is that a right-hander, who uses his right hand more often for any task, has somehow learned to control it. The same cannot be said about the left hand - it will give away a lie by twitching, excessive gestures, straightening your hair or scratching your nose. Advice: if you want to learn to lie, learn to control both hemispheres of the brain, as well as both limbs.
- Hands generally tend to give away a liar. They are constantly trying to occupy themselves with something - covering their mouth, stroking their neck, straightening their hair, rubbing their nose. It is the continuous movement of the hands that will give away the deceiver. Tip: Place your hands in a humble position and remain still. At the very least, keep your hands away from your face.
- Incoherent speech, some hesitation in the story, changes in the pace of conversation. These are generally signs of ill-conceived or unrehearsed speech. Inventing as he goes, the liar slows down the pace, then, fearing to be discovered, speeds it up, and then, in order not to give away his intentions, slows it down again. Advice: stay calm. Before lying, think through all the details to the smallest detail and tell your story to yourself at least a couple of times.
- If a liar is asked to tell his story from end to beginning, he will certainly get confused in the facts and reveal his lie. Tip: Try telling your planned lie backwards to yourself. Be attentive to details, they will always help you look more believable.
- The eyes, as a mirror of the soul, are apparently also a reflection of intentions. That's why a liar always turns his eyes to the left and then down. By lowering not only his eyes, but also his head, the liar is intently coming up with information for you. If the interlocutor raises his eyes upward, then at that moment he tries to visualize images from visual memory. And in general, inexperienced liars try to avert their eyes to the side, so to speak, they cannot withstand the gaze of their conscience. Advice: look your interlocutor in the eyes, but not directly into the pupils, so as not to scare or arouse unnecessary suspicion, but a little higher: at the eyelashes, eyebrows, etc.
- Emotions do not always go hand in hand with lies. At least they are late. It is the discrepancy between the emotions and the story that will reveal a liar. If a friend says she is very glad to see you, but starts smiling after a few seconds, she is lying. Advice: this is exactly where acting talent comes in handy. Rehearse and rehearse again. Imagine that everything you tell is really true or could be true.
- As mentioned above, details are the key to successful lies. Therefore, a lie can be recognized either by an overly short, dry story, or by a story with the smallest details. Advice: You should not tell your interlocutor everything with which you decided to decorate your story on your own initiative. Leave details for additional questions.
- In order to make sure that the lie was successful or to convince the deceived person of this, a person can assure you with the phrases “Honestly” or “Why will I lie to you.” Advice: be confident in your abilities, do not let doubts surface. This way you will deprive your interlocutor of any reason to doubt your “truth”.
Add real facts to your story. If you are going to the bathhouse with friends, but you are lying that you will be repairing your car in the garage until nightfall, then at least tell us about those you met on the way to the garage, what they were wearing or what events they told you about. This makes the lie look more believable.
Think in advance about who might reveal your secret and take care that this doesn’t happen. Finally, think about how justified your lie is, what consequences may occur if the lie is revealed. It may be better to be determined and have an honest, serious conversation now than to invite even more problems on yourself later.
From one extreme to another
Another reason why a person lies is that he is a pathological liar. That is, he does not benefit from lying, but is trying to impress or is simply accustomed to lying. Sometimes such people lie so much that they begin to believe their lies: it becomes the truth for them.
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But there are also individuals who always tell the truth. Even if they weren't asked to speak. Even people they don't know.
They are usually called boors. To tell the truth, sometimes you need to have the courage to offend others. But boors do not need any courage, because they do not care about the feelings of others. For example, you just met a person, and he already managed to tell you how ugly your eyebrows are, and it wouldn’t hurt you to lose weight. You might have gained a couple of pounds during the holidays, but have been grooming your eyebrows every day in an attempt to achieve that Hollywood shape. But the boor thinks so and thinks that he is obliged to say about it.
These types of lies and truths are useless and meaningless, they spoil the mood, and phrases often linger in people’s souls.
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