How to survive a divorce as a man: advice from a psychologist

When a young couple leaves the registry office arm in arm, they believe that everything is decided and nothing will darken their life. Unfortunately, more than 50% of couples return to this establishment, but for another reason. It doesn’t matter on whose initiative people decide to take such a difficult step, what matters is what they are going through during this period.

Scientists have proven more than once that men and women do not find a common language only because they have different perceptions of what is happening, different thinking, logic and globalization. In short, they are completely different. But life would be uninteresting if everyone thought the same way. Predictability makes relationships lean.

Unlike women, the average man tries to hide his emotions; most often, even in a male company, he does not like to discuss personal problems, therefore, what happens to him during the divorce process and after it is known to few.

Communication and socialization

When getting married, men often abandon their usual circle of friends and acquaintances. But after a divorce, you can restore relationships, establish contacts, and renew old friendships.

If it is easier for women to go through pain alone, then for men the best way is communication. What else will help relieve pain:

New acquaintances;
journey;
a change of scenery;
camping;
Meeting with friends;
heart-to-heart conversations;
vacation.

Contrary to popular belief, it is better for guys to stay away from relatives at such times. Relatives and friends are more likely to side with your ex-wife and will certainly remind you of her. To leave fresh wounds alone, it is better to go on vacation with friends.

Advice! Divorce is not the end of life, but just another stage. It's time to pull yourself together and get through the pain.

Recommendations on how to survive a divorce for a man may seem strange to girls. After all, they are used to savoring emotions, feelings, and indulging in depression and melancholy. This helps them let go of negative experiences. Men succeed in this much faster after a divorce.

A man's experience of divorce

After a divorce, the spouses separate and everyone begins to live their own lives. A man, accustomed to living together and spending time together, is left alone with himself.

For most men, this situation turns out to be quite difficult, even if they themselves sought a divorce.

Unexpected and unusual loneliness often pushes men to make rash decisions.

actions and demonstrative actions that are aimed at overcoming feelings of melancholy. It is during the period after a divorce that men often begin to drink alcohol, gamble, engage in promiscuous sex, etc. Such behavior is explained by a reluctance to analyze their psychological state and remain alone with their thoughts.

As a rule, a man’s external relaxedness, cheerfulness and social activity are designed to hide his internal tension and desire to withdraw into himself from prying eyes.

Such behavior leads to mental crisis and prolonged depression, which is why it is so important to soberly assess your condition and, if necessary, seek help from specialists.

A particularly traumatic situation for a man is when he was not the initiator of the divorce.

In this case, he realizes that he has been abandoned and begins to experience an inferiority complex. It is important not to constantly blame yourself, but to try to soberly analyze the situation. In a divorce, both are always to blame. It is important to learn lessons and take into account all your mistakes in past relationships, so as not to make them again in a new union.

Work and new schedule

Plunging headlong into your professional activities is one of the best options to avoid depression and to more easily overcome the state of shock after a divorce. A temporary business trip will help you refresh your thoughts, get distracted, and change your surroundings. If a man has already had a hard time with a divorce, then a new blow may affect his performance. Here it is useful to change your field of activity and try your hand at a new area.

When you put all your energy into your work, it’s hard to think about anything else. You can loosen your grip immediately after thoughts about your ex-wife stop causing pain.

Second dream5

The new chosen one will be very different from the ex-wife. All her thoughts will be aimed at surprising her lover with unearthly sex, gourmet cuisine, comfort and coziness.

In reality, a new friend, even if she was white and fluffy at the meeting stage, very soon shows her true colors. Material requirements were added to personal characteristics, outlook on life, and habits. The man understands that he will not be able to maintain the bar he raised during the candy-bouquet period for long, either physically or materially. The result is reproaches and exorbitant demands. The fact becomes clear that much of what he was running from in his previous marriage overtook him in his current relationship.

Simple rules to make getting through divorce easier

A man must observe some responsibilities that will help not aggravate the conflict:

If the ex-wife runs into conflict, it is better to step aside.
Treat friends and relatives of your ex-wife correctly.
Establish civilized communication without mutual reproaches and accusations.
Don't make decisions rashly.
Do not enter into a new relationship immediately after a disagreement.
Express anger, resentment and hatred in a different way without touching your ex-wife.

Advice! A man must remain himself, maintain composure, even if his beloved behaves very incorrectly. She is controlled by anger and resentment, which will soon dry up.

General recommendations

Undoubtedly, a man and a woman, due to their psychological characteristics, perceive divorce differently. However, there are some universal rules for how to survive this difficult period, which can be used equally by both.

Rule 1. Accept and experience emotions

There are different models of the psychological stages of divorce - Maslow, Kübler-Ross, Arons. If we generalize them, it turns out that every person who finds himself in such a situation experiences several emotional stages. They need to be accepted and felt from beginning to end to make it easier. Here is their sequence:

pain - at the moment when the decision to divorce is made;
bitterness of loss - anger, desire for revenge, search for those to blame for what happened;
hopelessness - attempts to return everything end in failure;
disappointment - the realization that nothing can be changed;
despair - when it seems that life no longer has meaning;
exhaustion - lack of any desire;
self-determination - when fatigue sets in from suffering and awareness of the need for radical changes in life;
hope - the understanding that life can still be improved;
joy - enjoying the advantages of your new position.

Psychologists advise going through all these emotional stages in the same sequence. There is no need to reproach yourself for feeling angry or apathetic. This is all a natural reaction to what is happening. It is this that allows you to survive a divorce and ultimately come to a positive result. If you deceive yourself and skip over one of the listed stages, the process of healing from mental wounds will be much longer.

Rule 2: Make lists

An old, proven psychological method of restoring mental balance.

About a human

Make two lists - positive and negative character traits of the person you had to divorce. The first will help cope with negative emotions. Re-read it when you feel overwhelmed by anger and desire for revenge. The second will allow you to quickly fall out of love and come to terms with the loss.

About marriage

Make two more lists - the pros and cons of your marriage. The first one will remind you of good days, that it was not in vain that you met this person. The second will show the hopelessness of further life together and the correctness of the decision made.

About divorce

And two more lists - what is good and what is bad about divorce. Surely the second list will initially turn out much more impressive than the first. However, over time, as you add points, you will see how the advantage will change.

Now gradually add to these lists and re-read them at the right moments.

Rule 3. Arrange the moment of truth

There is no need to be deceived from the very beginning. Many people, in order to protect themselves from negative emotions, try to convince everyone around them that everything is fine:

what is still possible to fix;
that in fact he (she) loves you, he (she) was just forced (by circumstances or other people);
that this is an unfortunate misunderstanding that will soon be resolved.

Admit to yourself the obvious things: love, relationships, family, marriage and your loved one are no longer around. And you don’t need to console yourself with vain hopes that everything will return. Say this to yourself out loud while standing in front of the mirror. Write it in capital letters on a piece of paper. Tell your parents and friends about this.

Rule 4. Get rid of memories

In moments of anger and despair, get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex-spouse. There is no need to tear up the photographs - give them to someone for safekeeping, so that in the future the children will see that their parents were happy. Do not throw donated toys into the trash - take them to an orphanage. Jewelry can be sold or taken to a pawnshop. Remove the phone number from the list of subscribers - write it down somewhere on a separate piece of paper and hide it. Ideally, change the apartment in which you lived together.

The fewer reminders of your past life and divorce, the easier it is to get over it and move on, without knots pulling you into the past.

Rule 5. Pour out your soul

Many people withdraw into themselves after a divorce. Some are ashamed, others are depressed, others are simply experiencing everything within themselves. You need to get out of your shell and find someone who will listen and understand. It can be:

parents, if you have close contact and complete trust with them;
Friends;
acquaintances who have already survived a divorce;
psychologists specializing in this problem.

If you haven’t found such a person, it doesn’t matter. Life hack from a psychologist: sit a large plush toy in front of you and pour everything into it. Despite the silence of the interlocutor, liberation from negative emotions is ensured. Say everything that is boiling, all your grievances and disappointments, cry. If you need more than one such session, repeat. It will get easier each time.

Rule 6. Take care of yourself

If you want to survive a divorce, take it as a chance for free time, which you can now devote only to yourself. It's time to get out of the image of a wife in a robe and curlers / a husband in family shorts and a beer belly. Buy a wardrobe, because now you can wear whatever your heart desires. Sign up for a gym (fitness center). Go to the hairdresser. Change your image to demonstrate to everyone (and most of all to yourself) that you are starting a new life without regard to the old one.

Rule 7. Fill the void

Many people are prevented from successfully surviving a divorce by the emptiness created after the departure of their significant other. Don't let it grow. Advice from a psychologist on how to fill the spiritual and everyday emptiness:

spend more time with children, engage in their development;
find a new hobby: blogging, diving, knitting, decoupage, soap making, parkour - the list is endless and endless;
get involved in sports;
to have a pet;
make repairs in the apartment;
open your own business, do business;
go travel;
go to study, get a second education.

The main thing at this stage is not to rush headlong into a new relationship. This is not a situation where we knock out wedges with wedges. Psychologists say that in 90% of cases such connections end in nothing and are a false filling of the void created after a divorce. Reliving broken hopes will be even more difficult.

Rule 8. Make plans for the future

The main thing is that there is not a hint of the past in them. Set goals for yourself both for the week ahead (to do a thorough cleaning of the entire apartment) and for the year (to save money and go to the Maldives). This will fill your life with joy and help you quickly realize that the brightest moments are still ahead, so there is no reason to suffer.

It will be even better if you involve children, relatives, friends, and colleagues in drawing up the plan. This will impose certain obligations on you. You will strive to achieve your goal as quickly as possible - this will help you get through a difficult period painlessly, since you simply won’t think about a bad time.

10 "no"

And 10 more “don’ts” - what you shouldn’t do after a divorce, so as not to aggravate your psycho-emotional state:

Do not blame anyone for what happened - neither yourself, nor him (her), nor third parties (parents, friends, lovers).
Don't close. Don't be alone. Don't keep everything to yourself.
Do not abuse alcohol.
Don't get carried away with antidepressants.
Do not start a new relationship immediately after breaking up.
Do not feel sorry for yourself and do not complain to everyone about your fate.
Don’t try to bring back the past, don’t humiliate yourself, don’t ask for one last chance, don’t impose yourself.
Do not spread dirty rumors about your past family life.
Don’t eat up your problems with tasty but unhealthy food.
Don't give up.

In Indonesia. In the Country of a Thousand Islands there is such a thing as a “conditional divorce”, when the spouses are given 100 days to think and confirm that the wife is not pregnant. If it turns out that she is expecting a child, the divorce process is postponed.

What to do if you have a child

As long as a man goes through a divorce, the litigation with the child lasts. Psychologists are sure that the situation of a joint baby directly depends on the emotional mood of the parents. Women often turn their sons and daughters against their ex-husband, refuse civilized communication, and forbid the man to see their children.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

In this situation, it is better to step back, give her the opportunity to exhale, calm down, and look at the situation with a cool head. After this, you can take action. The child must communicate with the father; a sane woman will not refuse this to the parent. But the situation often turns in the opposite direction, when it is necessary to obtain visits through the courts.

Dream one4

Hooray! Freedom! A man enjoys the opportunity to live as he sees fit, without obligations and unnecessary problems.

But the realities turn out to be less rosy than he expected. All household little things for caring for himself fall on his own shoulders (when his wife was busy with this, he did not notice them). Along with everyday disorder comes a feeling of abandonment and uselessness.

How to deal with anger and malice

Negative emotions definitely come to the surface. It is wrong to pour them out on your ex-wife, her friends, and relatives. This will lead to new conflicts, aggravate difficult relations, and aggravate the situation. The following will help neutralize the negativity:

active sport;
self-occupation;
new hobby;
work with a psychologist;
complete rest;
keeping a diary.

It’s harder for those men who are going through a difficult divorce. They cannot share feelings, talk about pain and anger. They keep the negativity in themselves until the last moment, and then make a number of irreparable mistakes:

quickly find new relationships;
indulge in bad habits;
write angry posts about their spouse on social networks;
take it out on the children.

Going through a divorce can be difficult. But it is important to stop living in the past in time and learn to enjoy life again. Support from friends and working with a psychologist will relieve depression and stress. A new job and hobby will help you distance yourself from negative emotions, and rest will refresh your thoughts. A man must pull himself together and start a new life, without fear of experiencing pain again.

How can I help my brother during a divorce?

Not only his mother, but also his sister may worry about a divorced man. Often a brother shares with his sister those experiences that he does not even tell his mother about.
It happens that a sister practically observes how all stages of a divorce go through: at first, the husband and wife become dissatisfied with their relationship, often quarrel, but they fail to make peace, even with the help of children, relatives and friends.

Then there is a legal registration of divorce, division of property and responsibility for children. Then each spouse tries to start building a new, more successful life, as it seems to them.

In this case, the sister can provide moral support - prevent him from drinking too much and quitting work, take him to a consultation with a good psychologist (take him, not advise him; the man himself is unlikely to go to him).

You can introduce your brother to good and interesting people (not necessarily women) or together start doing a hobby that he likes.

Supporting a man not only with words, so that he can be successful

And also stop watching the news, or better yet, avoid TV altogether. The news is negative. Today a plane crashed, tomorrow people died.

Accept my condolences! There has never been anything more expensive or closer than him and there never will be. But in yours and in our hearts he will remain a young, strong, full of life man. Everlasting memory! Hold on!

The emotions raging inside a woman after breaking up a long-term relationship with her husband can play a cruel joke on her.

When you really want something, the entire Universe will help make your wish come true.

Don't despair

It doesn’t matter who initiated the separation, both spouses will initially feel guilty, to a greater or lesser extent. Thoughts will definitely arise about whether the right decision has been made, how to live further and what to do in general. A man’s self-esteem may greatly decrease because: “Who needs me now? Old, not handsome, not rich.”

Don't let such thoughts control you, think in a different direction. If something has already happened, don’t stress yourself out, look for advantages and adapt to new circumstances. At first glance, they don’t exist, right? Yes, it is difficult to see something good behind the curtain of obsessive thoughts, perhaps even depression. But, if you think about it, then you are ready for a new life. The main thing is to calm down and start putting yourself, your life and your environment in order.

You probably have unrealized plans that you could not implement while married. It doesn’t matter what it is: a business idea or buying a new computer, changing a haircut or changing a job, the scale doesn’t matter. The main thing is that now you can do what you had in mind, perhaps a long time ago. Surely, at first you will not have the desire to do anything at all, so first you need to rest, get used to the new way of life, little by little start doing things that will make you feel better, and then start implementing your plans.