Author of the article: Naumenko Alexandra Igorevna Family psychologist, child psychologist. Practical work experience: 8 years.
We want to love and be loved, we strive to create a happy and strong family, to live in abundance and prosperity. But before finding the perfect life partner, many of us are destined to go through a series of breakups. Some people perceive this as the beginning of a new stage in life and find the strength to move forward, but for others, a break with a loved one is comparable to a serious loss.
All will pass…
Of course, time heals even the deepest wounds. But in the present moment, it seems that it is simply impossible to continue living, since the brain is absorbed in memories of the past, and feelings towards the ex-partner are still as strong. As a result, we withdraw into ourselves, refuse to communicate with loved ones, surrender to the power of negative thoughts and anxious expectations, and get bogged down in a depressed emotional state.
Although now you don’t understand how to live on after a breakup, sooner or later the mental pain will pass. The main thing is not to give up and do everything possible to prevent this condition from leading to prolonged depression and leaving its mark on subsequent relationships. Life is not over, many interesting things await you ahead, including new, no less happy relationships.
If you are unable to cope with the pain of loss on your own, we strongly recommend enlisting the help of a psychologist. When breaking up, this is the best decision. Or at least take his advice.
If the breakup occurred suddenly and on the initiative of a loved one, and the relationship itself was characterized by painful dependence and the need to care for and control the other, then the experiences may drag on for more than a year.
How long does it take to get over a breakup?
Many people are interested not only in how to survive the breakup of a long-term relationship, but also how long it will take. Everyone is individual and experiences this difficult period in their own way. In turn, the intensity and duration of experiences directly depend on a combination of the following factors:
- type of nervous system;
- circumstances surrounding separation;
- the desire and effort you put into starting life over with a clean slate.
It is believed that full recovery from a rupture takes from several months to a year. However, if the breakup occurred suddenly and on the initiative of a loved one, and the relationship itself was characterized by painful dependence and the need to care for and control the other, then the experiences may drag on for a longer period.
It is much easier to survive a breakup with a loved one if both partners found the courage to admit that the relationship had exhausted itself, and at parting expressed gratitude to each other for all the good things that happened. Of course, this does not mean at all that people who are able to easily give another person the desired freedom and part peacefully are robots devoid of human feelings. They simply know how to find resources within themselves that support them in difficult periods of life and, after parting, experience bright sadness rather than unbearable pain and reluctance to live on.
Realize that relationships, in any case, cannot be a mission and goal in life.
- Social programming suggests that relationships are the most important component in life. That is, people make building relationships the main component of life. This is a very common thing that can be observed now.
- She is so Hollywood and from films or from some secret childhood dreams. It occurs in both men and women. And if you do not get rid of this illusion, you will still need advice from a psychologist on how to survive a breakup with your loved one.
- There is another wrong belief among people . People come to their soulmate as if under the bosom of a tree from work or school with the conviction “but here I will feel good.” And if this happens in your head, then, as a rule, it does not live up to your expectations.
- Sooner or later, illusions will collapse . To some extent, people can create this illusion for each other, then it all just falls apart.
Relationships are definitely important.
In them we can realize ourselves, let another person realize themselves, establish emotional contact with a partner, make our life and his life easier.
But in general they cannot be a mission.
Relationships in any case cannot be a mission in life!
Illusions of girls
On the part of girls, this thing is present in their heads more often. And therefore, they more often need help and various advice from a psychologist on how to survive a breakup with the man they love.
Girls elevate relationships to a higher rank because they have such a biological factor as family and children.
Your problem is that you needed to distract yourself from tightly clinging to relationships and making them a goal in life.
This will only make things worse for you, because sooner or later your illusions will begin to shatter, and you will again think about what to do when your loved one has left you.
What you need to understand about divorce first of all
Over the years of marriage, the spouses begin to represent a single whole. Often, from a person going through a divorce, you can hear the following explanation of the condition: “as if your heart was ripped out of your chest” or “as if your hand was cut off.” A woman and a man invest strength, finances, and time into marriage. Mutual friends, family habits and traditions appear: having dinner together, going to the country on weekends or riding bicycles.
The usual life is destroyed, thoughts of loneliness enter your head, an uncontrollable desire appears to turn back time, to crawl back into your uncomfortable and unsteady, but so understandable and familiar little world. Habits give you a sense of confidence in the future, predictability, and stability. You can make plans and have certain expectations for your lover.
Breakups almost always happen suddenly. Even if the spouses live for years, as if on a powder keg, accumulating discontent, or are completely indifferent, not noticing each other, or know about the betrayals. But people are used to pretending that nothing happened and silently hoping that everything will work out.
Don't let yourself fall into an emotional hole after a breakup
- It is very important when such breaks and critical moments occur, it is not to let yourself slide into an emotional hole. Some people become depressed. You can learn about ways to get rid of depression in another publication. They can last not one day, but even a week or two. This can really undermine you.
- Emotionally, the problem may be completely trivial. But, for example, a man can fall so emotionally into this gap that he has a desire to go to the mountains, become a monk and do nothing else in this life, or go headlong into business, forgetting about women altogether.
- Although in reality not everything is so serious . Anything can happen. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t make mountains out of molehills, and know everything about how to survive a breakup with a girl after a long relationship or many years of marriage.
Divorce during pregnancy: how to cope painlessly
A woman going through the process of divorce during pregnancy finds herself in a difficult situation. The most important thing: do not harm the child with this situation. Remember that in some way you are lucky: you are not alone, a loved one will remain with you. This is a priceless human life - it should not be the subject of revenge. Your future baby is innocent of what happened.
Don't even think about abortion - you will probably regret it later. Moreover, this decision is a direct path to long-term depression. With a child you will find a new meaning in life - take care of this chance.
Your baby is the answer to the question of how to survive a divorce from your husband. Take it as a gift of fate; a year will pass and you will agree with these words.
How to live during this period? This is a difficult moment, and you and your baby need support: accept any help from your loved ones. Don't become isolated, don't refuse to communicate. You need to find someone who will listen to you and help you with practical advice.
Having a hobby is important: return to past hobbies or find new ones. A wonderful and useful pastime for pregnant women: knitting and sewing. Never done this? It's time to start!
Study videos for pregnant women, take courses for expectant mothers. Give up thoughts about the past and your ex-husband - concentrate on your situation, take care of yourself. There is no need to think about the past stage - you have to start a new life, focus on it.
Think, dream about what your life will be like with your baby. The first time he tells his mother, he takes the first step, he laughs. These are happy, unforgettable moments, and they await you ahead.
What Your Brain Can Do to You: The Broken Record Analogy
- All your memories of past love , when everything was good, bloomed and smelled - it’s just an appearance. If that balance were preserved, then this would really be so. And this is an illusory appearance. This is already like a broken record, which is also broken.
- How is your brain playing tricks on you? When you had a breakup and there were a lot of mistakes that you don’t even really want to remember, your brain throws this broken record at you.
- In your head you yourself put on this broken record , where the smooth melody no longer plays, but an incomprehensible grinding sound, a pitiful semblance of a melody and only unpleasant sounds.
- This record no longer needs to be repaired ! You just need to find what you really need!
- There's no need to even try to go back . It's not worth it. Approach the situation soberly, and you will know everything about how to start living after breaking up with your loved one.
Psychological frustration
The physiological cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones that bubbles through us during and after a breakup provokes more than just physical sensations. These substances regulate emotions and make us feel and experience.
So if you want to ask whether this mixture of pain, bitterness, hope, resentment, despair and other things can be avoided, the correct answer is no.
You can try to deny your emotions, run away from their awareness, or try to give them a different color - I’m not suffering from the loss of a loved one, I’m angry; I suffer not because I loved him, but because he turned out to be an asshole. But like the realization of other traumatic events, this too must move through the universal stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, resignation - and come to acceptance of the situation and restoration of integrity.
Allow yourself to leave forever: there is nothing left to decide, no need to cling
Let yourself go forever.
Understand that there is nothing and no one to resolve.
Some of you messed up and it is important to understand that this is normal.
No matter how painful it may be, give yourself the opportunity to leave forever.
Just like your partner gives himself this opportunity.
Every girl and every guy gives himself this opportunity.
Understanding this will close your worries about thoughts about how to survive the breakup of relationships with loved ones.
How love affects the brain
To understand what happens to the brain during separation, you need to refresh your memory of the physiological processes that accompany falling in love and the development of attachment in mammals and humans. Science cannot answer the question of why people and animals choose one partner over another, but we know quite well what happens in the body.
I. Attraction
Butterflies in the stomach and physiological attraction are caused by sex hormones, mainly testosterone (in both sexes). It doesn't make people fall in love - it just provides libido.
II. Love
The motivation to move and pursue a partner is provided by the neurotransmitter dopamine. It activates the “reward system” in the brains of lovers in direct proportion to the level of their subjective love, promising pleasure and forcing them to pursue the object of passion.
Cortisol provides additional energy of passion; it not only activates strength, but also puts the body in a state of stress. The adrenal glands actively produce adrenaline. Hence the sweating, frantic heart rate and the desire to jump and jump that we feel during the first contacts with the person we like.
Lovers have increased levels of norepinephrine. This hormone is involved in consolidating new stimuli in memory, including the process of “imprinting” into memory in animals - imprinting. Apparently, this is why the image of a lover gets stuck in the memory. We can think about the object of passion to the point of obsessiveness, often also due to a decrease in serotonin levels. People who are intensely in love have lower levels of serotonin, just like those who suffer from true obsessive-compulsive disorder with obsessive thoughts.
III. Attachment
Love affection is characteristic not only of humans, but also of other living beings, when they defend a common territory, build nests together, care for each other, share care for offspring and experience melancholy when separated.
When the feelings are mutual and the lovers form a couple, their cortisol levels decrease and the amount of serotonin rises again, and constant physical contact “pumps” bonding hormones into the couple.
In humans, love partnership is associated with a feeling of security, calmness and emotional unity. These sensations are mainly associated with oxytocin. It is produced during social and physical contact, hugs, sex, especially during orgasm - and its level is higher in those couples who have spent more time next to each other. It also shapes parental behavior, pushing the couple to stay with each other long enough to feed their offspring and continue their species.
IV. Why so many things?
Apparently, nature created such a complex chemical process in order to motivate two completely different individuals to form a pair for conceiving, bearing and raising children. All this time, people in a couple are in a state of drug intoxication, a love illusion, for the sake of which they are ready to do anything.
Make a choice to be cool and not needy, remove expectations.
- A non-needy person is one who does not cling to other people, is inclined to give more than to receive, and never expects anything from this life! Strive to be one.
- A person who is not in need does not think about what you will have in the future (even if there is a 99% guarantee, you do not tell others). You can say: “Yes, I have such plans...”. You're going to do it, but you're not living it.
- You take what you have at the moment , but you never expect anything to happen in the future - good or bad. It's useless.
- Those things that you can cling to in life can be so ephemeral and destructible .
- Your reality should not be based on something external!
A person who is not in need does not need both things and people equally! The paradigm is that they are with them, but there is no fear of loss at all!
A person who is not needy never asks questions about how to continue living after a breakup.
A strong person is only glad that weak people themselves leave his life.
It’s harder for a woman to live like this, but it’s possible. No need to cling to people.
Detailed principles of self-confidence for girls are also collected in another section on the site.
Women have a natural need for a man who will protect her, take care of her, they cling to men. This is their problem!
On our website you can also read another article on the topic of how to get rid of attachment and love addiction.
How to survive a separation from your husband if you have a child
Don’t know how to cope with pain if you have a common child? Help is needed not only for you, but also for him. The situation is not easy, and in order not to aggravate it, the news needs to be told to your son or daughter together with your ex-husband. There is no need to show resentment in front of the baby - show that your feelings towards him are unchanged.
Rules recommended by family psychologists
:
- Think about everything you intend to say in advance.
- Stop trying to win your son (daughter) over to your side, don’t intimidate him.
- Don't argue with your ex-husband while talking to your children.
- Assure your child that he will be able to communicate and see his father at any time.
- Explain: divorce is the result of your personal relationship and has nothing to do with the actions of your child.
The information presented depends on the age of the offspring. It is easier for an adult to explain the reason for the divorce and the planned development of the situation. It is more difficult for a child to perceive unexpected changes - he will ask questions about what happened more than once, be patient.
He worries no less than you, although he can’t always show it. It depends on the mother whether the suffering will intensify or ease.
In the presence of your son (daughter), do not speak negatively about his father, this will cause suffering. For children, their parents are the best. Don't avoid talking about the breakup; answer all your children's questions. Do not transfer the anger you feel towards your ex-husband to your child, even if he supports him. After separating from your husband, discuss his meetings with the children - in what territory, frequency.
If you have children together, it is important to maintain friendly or neutral relations - do not aggravate the situation. The baby will grow, and at different stages of life it will be important for him to have the participation of his parents, so as not to feel deprived and inferior. Don't deprive him of this. By exacerbating the situation, you are not punishing your ex-husband, but others.
In the next six months or a year, completely change your perception of the relationship.
- After your breakup, don’t immediately cling to a new person and don’t try to make him yours for a very long time.
- This should not be confused with not communicating or getting to know anyone at all. No, you are still communicating and getting close to new people, enjoying the attraction between you.
- But there should not be this desire to make a person your property for some long time.
- You must remove the time frame into which you will begin to unknowingly drive a person.
- Live like this for at least the next six months after the breakup. Then, after six months, based on your inner feelings, you can again return to a long-term relationship with one girl (man).
A subtle point that needs to be implemented
Replace the desire to make a person your property with the desire to make him happy.
The best thing you can do for your partner is to let him live his life to the fullest, and you will be there with him whenever he and you want.
You still truly love your partner, but you don't try to keep him in any way.
You must live your own life and give your partner complete freedom of choice.
Implement this perception and no longer worry about how to get over a breakup with your lover or your secret crush.
You can also read about the psychology of relationships between a guy and a girl in a new publication.
The difference between healthy and unhealthy neediness
- There should be no boundaries or understanding that a person is yours. And then you can always go further in terms of developing your spirituality, your level of happiness and harmony.
- Yes, you may have a certain percentage of neediness in a new relationship, but this healthy neediness is when you just want to see the person (no matter how you spend your time). You just want to be together.
Eight practical tips from psychologists
To get over a breakup faster, experts recommend:
Tip #1. Cry
Tears help relieve emotional stress. Allow yourself to feel, get angry, grieve, mope. The main thing is not to get stuck in sadness and depression for a long time.
Tip #2. Leaving go
Be able to muster your will and end the relationship, even if you are not the initiator of the divorce. If your ex-other half is not averse to chatting in the evening, coming over for dinner or spending the night with you, this does not indicate an intention to save the marriage. Don't allow your feelings to be played with.
Tip #3. Don't listen to other people's advice
Find a “vest”, someone who can empathize, hug, cry with you, be silent, hold your hand. The last thing you need right now is escalation of the situation and advice. Stay close to people who can properly support you and shake you up in time.
Tip #4. Keep contact with your ex to a minimum
Remove memorabilia, photographs, and gifts from your spouse. Don't hang out on social networks on his page. Don't look for reasons to meet. Maybe, when the worries and grievances pass, you will be able to communicate and even be friends. But until then, have pity on yourself and don't pick at a fresh wound.
Tip #5. Meditate and relax
Meditation is the most effective way to interrupt the flow of annoying thoughts and tame negative emotions in the soul. Use any practice you like. You can also do yoga, soak in a hot bath, walk in the fresh air, listen to your favorite music.
Tip #6. Don't forget about your health
In a healthy body healthy mind. No matter how strong the desire to lie curled up under the blanket, you should not neglect healthy sleep for 7-8 hours, nutrition (tasty and healthy) and hygiene. Any physical activity provides excellent relaxation: hiking, sports, general cleaning.
Tip #7. Start living your life
Develop yourself. Love your solitude. Do what you like. Create your social circle. In relationships, people often “lose” themselves. Many people get a second wind after a breakup, and they make a successful career or discover new talents.
Tip #8. Don't hide in the shell
At first it will be difficult to force yourself to leave the house. At first, eat a delicious cake in a new cafe, watch a movie in a cinema. Then visit an anti-cafe, take part in quests, go to the theater with a group, and engage in group sports. The more pleasant emotions, the less time for useless regrets!
parting
Is it worth returning to the relationship?
Sometimes a man is not mentally ready to let the lady go and be left alone. He doesn’t know how to continue to be alone, so he is looking for ways to return his beloved and restore relationships. In some cases, this is the right decision; the beloved may say about breaking up under the influence of emotions after a quarrel. But it is important to understand in time whether this relationship is worth a second chance.
Perhaps the guy is driven not by love, but by other emotions:
- He is afraid to be alone. Believes that he will not build new relationships. In such a situation, a young man urgently needs to increase his self-esteem.
- Fears that the next passion will be worse than the previous one. Although more often the opposite happens.
- If your pride is hurt, new acquaintances and flirting will help correct the situation.
- If falling in love does not go away after breaking up, you should wait. Time is the best medicine.
- When the problem is a banal habit, it is important to realize that going back to the past is not the answer.
Women's experiences and their stages
Stages of experiencing a breakup:
- Denial . Parting for a lady is shock and shock, and in such a situation the human psyche turns on a defense mechanism in the form of a refusal to believe in what is happening. The girl does not understand what happened and for what reasons, masterfully deceiving herself. The duration of this period is from an hour to a year.
- Expression of feelings . After realizing what happened, an emotional reaction occurs, which is expressed in different ways: for some through resentment and anger, for others through melancholy and sadness.
- The desire to restore relations, to come to an agreement . Following illusions, a woman tries to bargain, repent, beg for forgiveness - to do everything so that the man changes his decision or corrects his own mistakes.
- Apathy . A spiritual emptiness sets in, which can turn into melancholy. The girl is haunted by the feeling of loss, devastation, abandonment and uselessness to anyone.
- Humility . This is true acceptance of the fact of separation, the understanding that nothing can be changed. At this stage, the person fully recovers and decides to move on with his life.
Self-therapy diary
Keeping a diary is useful during any emotional upheaval; it allows you to express all the feelings and thoughts that torment you and becomes a calm for the mind, obsessively returning to the object of former love.
To take back control of your self-assessment, use a notebook, a pen, and your mind. Write down on paper both what you are grateful for to your partner, as well as the criticism and regrets that have accumulated during the relationship. Formulate why your relationship didn’t work: you wanted different things from life, you didn’t agree on values, the relationship was painful, someone suppressed someone. Make a list of things you had to sacrifice and compromises on that you didn't want to. Write down your daily thoughts and experiences, trying to comprehend the past stage and crystallize it into experience.
It is this experience at the end of your breakup that will become a new part of your personality, your wisdom and maturity. Meaningful experiences are your wealth. Even painful experiences can benefit the individual if they are recognized and processed.
Regaining your independence and learning to rely on yourself will serve your personality well: you are complete, and you don't need another person to have value, to know what to do and who to be.
After such work on understanding your emotional experience, you will feel relief and the beginning of a new life. Research shows that people who understand the reasons for a breakup recover faster and are more satisfied with their next relationship than those who do not reflect on it.
