Hi all. When passion cools and physical attraction fades, secret relationships with another man can become unpleasant. At this moment, the girl is wondering how to forget her lover. This is necessary so as not to burden yourself with meaningless relationships. You need to look at them objectively and use methods that will help you get rid of your love addiction to your lover or even to a married man. A married woman will be helped to fall in love with her husband again, raise her own self-esteem and adjust her life harmoniously.
Relationships fulfill some deep need
If there were no “benefits”, there would be no affairs on the side. The problem is that these positives actually turn against us and end up causing chaos in our lives. Maybe you thought that loyalty wasn't that important and that no one would get hurt if they didn't find out. You strive to keep your secret by keeping your phone and email under control and trying to keep track of who you lied to and what. But this way of life seems manageable only at the very beginning.
It is difficult for a married woman to forget her married lover because:
- The feelings of pleasure and love you experience are beyond anything you have felt before. Or what you can remember.
- The other man says everything you want to hear, and his touch is all you need, so for a while the woman may try to escape from reality.
- Perhaps you needed to feel sexy and wanted again. This often happens when wives are in middle age.
How to find your motive
There are many reasons why women have affairs. Sometimes they themselves don’t even understand why they did it. The best thing to do is sit down and think about what a relationship with another person brings. Is there something about them that you won’t get with your husband?
At first, people think that they are benefiting from an affair; the truth comes later when they realize that they have traded their soul for a momentary escape from reality.
Often this realization comes after much damage has been done. From a psychological point of view, it can be difficult to give up the need that cheating on your husband fills; sometimes it may even seem that we will never find such a feeling of satisfaction again. This is one of the reasons why ending an affair is so difficult.
False feelings.
Very often, women think that they will gain nothing by starting a relationship without obligations, for the sake of ordinary sex. But, as a rule, they are wrong. The woman has a complex psyche. She cannot, like a man, forget her partner in the morning. Her feelings often become deeper, and the separation is quite difficult. Therefore, it is better to end all relations with your lover as early as possible, so that you can easily and quickly forget him.
Lover - "soul mate"
This is a fairly common occurrence. In fact, many wives cannot fall in love with their husband again and stop loving their lover and cheat because they did not feel so good before. There is a certain chemistry and connection when you are together. The problem is that our feelings lie to us. They cloud the memory and affect how a person makes decisions. This is what many experts call “love fog.”
The truth is that you once felt something similar for your husband, and it was a strong feeling, because otherwise you would not have gotten married. It may seem like a distant memory now, but most of us started our relationship with our spouse dreamily and lovingly. Most of us felt that our husbands were perfect.
Until you got married, you didn't see everything you see now: scattered socks on the floor and unwashed dishes in the sink. As you began to live together, comments towards your partner and resentment towards him began to accumulate. Now it is much easier to notice everything that is wrong with the husband and this is a natural development of a love relationship. Every connection between people has certain stages and early stages filled with euphoric feelings when we see only the best in the other person.
This is the same feeling of euphoria you feel at the beginning of every affair, and this is even more true due to the hidden nature of the relationship. Wanting what we have no right to want adds to the thrill and is another reason why it is very difficult to forget a young lover.
Roots of the situation
This whole story begins long before boyfriends appeared in your life. It starts with dad. The statistics are that 99% of women who take on the role of mistress have an inharmonious relationship with their father. A dad is the first man in a woman’s life, and the perception of other men depends on her relationship with him. A bad relationship with a father does not necessarily make a woman a mistress. These can be different options:
- A dad who put his daughter in her mother’s place and saw his woman in her... Usually such dads invest money, attention, love and care in their daughter for a long time, but they are in the wrong position from the point of view of hierarchy, because subconsciously they see their woman in her . She is often Dad's favorite daughter and close friend, they can go to events together, he is very proud of her and is very attached to her. On a subtle level, dad holds his daughter very tightly, not allowing her to build a marital relationship.
- A dad who praised the girl only for expressing her sexuality, but ignored other aspects of her personality... If a girl has been told since childhood about how important it is to be beautiful, slim, sexy, that this is the only way to find a man, then the solution is obvious - she will go into a relationship where her beauty and appearance are needed.
- A dad who didn’t care about his daughter, who had a mistress... Here, an exclusively psychological connection works: “Mistresses get attention.” The girl really needs her dad, his love and his attention, and she compensates for this in a relationship with a married man by being his mistress.
There can be many scenarios with dad, including the complete absence of a father. It is a disharmonious relationship with the father, where the family hierarchy is disrupted, that often leads to the fact that a woman unconsciously attracts married men.
She definitely needs a busy man, because only with him can she relive this scenario, full of love and pain, and let him go.
In a relationship with a married man, a woman is always looking for what her father did not give her. This attracts her to a man, and she, like a hound dog, smells the state that this man can help her live. Often women in such relationships seek acceptance and a sense of their value, importance, and exclusivity. Or support, care and protection, a feeling of safety “like behind a stone wall.” It all depends on which chakra the lesson was not completed and which block is being worked through through the relationship with the father.
When meeting a man who triggers this mechanism, it is incredibly difficult for a woman to pass by. It may not be infatuation, not love, or even attraction - it is a completely incomprehensible attraction that is critically difficult to overcome.
As soon as we meet people who open our blocks, almost immediately we become emotionally involved with them.
The woman says: “It seems to me that this is a karmic person in my life!” Of course, karmic: all the people to whom we are strongly drawn, who easily lead us into complex emotions and experiences - all are deeply karmic, they heal us from our limitations, show us our blocks and give us the opportunity to get rid of them.
You're worried you'll get hurt
These are normal, and this is another excuse not to break off an extramarital relationship. Maybe you feel guilty for leading him on, especially if you initiated everything yourself. He may not have a very good marriage. But this is all his own problem, and not something for which he needs to destroy his life.
It will be much better if you break up with him. This may seem rude, but it's honest.
Having an extramarital relationship is very draining and emotionally difficult for everyone. Leaving another man with the hope that you will someday get a divorce and be with him is dishonest. He probably won't say this out of fear of losing him, but the very guilt you feel when leaving another man should be even greater because you are dragging him along with you. So the next time you feel guilty about breaking up, tell yourself that this is the kindest and most selfless thing you both can do for each other.
Difficulties in the life of a lover
The conscious choice to be second greatly destroys a woman’s self-esteem, no matter how much she says that she is better than his wife. This always weakens energy and self-confidence. And even if a man says: “I love only you, you are in my heart,” he still leaves most of his money, time and attention in his family.
Loneliness: on weekends - alone, New Year, Christmas, March 8th... and all other holidays - alone. Evenings - in a cold bed without the feeling of a loved one nearby...
Constant lies. You can’t call a man in the evening, you can’t call him on weekends, and if you see him in the city with his wife, you need to pretend that you don’t know, etc. And he lies to his wife all the time, making up all sorts of stories instead of telling her the truth.
Inability to grow as a woman. You will not be able to give birth to a child, and even if you can, the child will also be number two, and this is an insane pain for the mother. The main love, attention, and upbringing will go to the children in the family, and there will be just games with your child, and only if the man agrees to the child, although this usually does not happen. You will not be able to introduce a man to your parents, you will not be able to go through the stage of living together, leisure, family evenings, etc.
Family fills a woman greatly, allows her to develop on a very deep level, gives her grounding, calmness, acceptance, tolerance and much more.
But the mistress, even if she gave birth, always remains at the stage of a sub-woman, because she does not have the opportunity to reveal herself fully in this relationship.
The most powerful destruction of energy. By entering into a sexual relationship with a married man, a woman exchanges energy not only with him, but also with his wife, nourishes not only the man, but also his family, so it often happens that with the advent of a mistress, the family reaches a new financial level or relationships within families become softer and calmer. And if a man does not finance his mistress, does not give her at least the semblance of a family and a child, then she begins to become exhausted and lose strength.
The most offensive thing is that, having wasted energy in a relationship with this man, it will be difficult for her to create a new relationship, because the energy potential has been exhausted. Not only are precious years gone from the mistress, when she can build her own happy family, but the energy with which she can create something important in her life is gone.
And the worst thing is when a woman completely loses faith in herself and that she can have a family and a happy, joyful life. According to a woman’s faith, what is given to her, her thoughts create her life, her fortunes control her destiny. When a woman has lost faith and become disillusioned, it is sad and difficult, and it is very difficult to bring her out of this and rehabilitate her.
Oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin
The last and very important reason why it is difficult for a married woman to forget her ex-married lover is the physical and chemical reactions occurring in the body. Dopamine is a chemical that functions as the pleasure center of the brain. Its job is to make us feel pleasure, such as when we fall in love for the first time. Dopamine is released when we spend time with a lover and creates an internal incentive to repeat the act in order to experience the high again.
Research shows that the feelings we often feel during an illicit affair are actually the result of the release of dopamine.
This creates a cycle in which the brain searches again and again for the experience that led to the pleasurable effect. Often this is exactly what happens when a person seems to be going beyond the usual logic of actions in ways that are uncharacteristic for him. Sometimes people ignore all caution and risk losing everything just to return again and again to another man and experience pleasure again. It's like a natural "drug". At the same time, the withdrawal that occurs when the drug is taken away (the man leaves) is also real.
So it's normal if you walk around with very depressed emotions for a few days or weeks after a breakup. Everything about you will want that drug, but if you can get through the early stages of a breakup, you will find that the craving for another man subsides.
This is why you must be vigilant, even many months after the affair ends, if there may be opportunities to return to the experiences that once led to the release of dopamine.
This also explains why you feel that “crazy love feeling.” This is not love for the rest of your life, but the usual dopamine rush that is felt when you understand the illegality of the relationship. Some people won't like this comment, but it's true.
If you are a devoted spouse, you may think that we somehow justify our spouses' unfaithful behavior. It is not true. The comparison to a drug is not an excuse, but simply a piece of the puzzle that needs to be put together to understand why it is so difficult to stop having an affair.
Practical advice
Psychologists give a number of recommendations for getting out of this situation.
Take a sober look at the situation
It is unlikely that a woman has a conscious desire to become the mistress of a married man. Everyone dreams of sincere love, a happy family, common friends and hobbies. A woman in love wants to be proud of her chosen one, tell her friends about him, be confident in the future and feel protected.
Continuing meetings means agreeing to a threesome relationship
Someone else's husband cannot give a woman any of the above. Most often, relationships are based on flaring passion and end in a painful breakup.
A man prone to cheating will not attach much importance to the feelings of his new lover, and for a woman such an affair can result in psychological trauma and leave a heavy mark.
Meetings with a married lover are always like a first date. They take place on neutral territory, accompanied by gifts and beautiful gestures. A woman gets used to such manifestations of affection and does not think that sharing life with a man is a completely different matter. This role has already been assigned to the wife, whose expectations are also deceived.
Continuing to meet means agreeing to a threesome relationship. They will always contain the image of the wife, her calls, the man’s lies. You will have to come to terms with the fact that your loved one spends his nights with another woman and has sex with her. This is not so easy to realize.
Change your behavior
Mistresses do not cease to be faithful women; they remain faithful to their partner, forgetting that his life is not limited to one lady of his heart.
You will have to come to terms with the fact that your loved one spends his nights with another woman and has sex with her.
When leaving, the man continues his busy life, playing the role of a family man and faithful spouse. And the mistress wastes her days and nights, waiting for the next appointment of a secret meeting.
How to tell your lover about breaking up
Worst way: Meet in person
Too much can happen in a face-to-face meeting. A “farewell date” to break up binds you to a person even more. Even if you take your husband or best friend with you, this is still not the best option, since you will see your lover and experience all the emotions associated with it. With a friend, this will become even more awkward and make breaking up much more difficult.
Normal option: break up via phone call
Breaking up via phone call is better than meeting in person, but still not ideal. You will hear the other man's voice, his unexpected answer, and perhaps a long unplanned conversation will result, leading to even more tension. The only way this will work is if the spouse is nearby and the conversation with the lover is on speakerphone. There should be a clear script agreed upon with your husband about what you will say. Keep the conversation short and direct.
A good option: write a message on social networks
Again, as long as the spouse helps in writing the message and sending it. The big problem, however, is that you will have to immediately block the other man to prevent any response. Also, consider changing your number if you are concerned that your lover will call from a different phone.
Best: write a letter
Be sure to use clear language that does not allow for ambiguity. Again, including your spouse in the process is important. Even how you put the letter in your mailbox matters. Yes, it's humiliating and a little annoying. But remember why you found yourself in this situation, this is part of the reckoning and it won’t always be like this.
Incident
What incident are we talking about? Most likely, this was a correspondence between you, or a live conversation.
If it was something else, adapt what was written to suit you.
You should open the file in Word (or open notepad) and describe the incident from beginning to end.
If the incident was a correspondence on WhatsApp, for example, then this is ideal. Simply break your messages down into bullet points and write point by point on an unnumbered list.
For example:
- I asked him this and that, and he answered me...
- I had such and such a reaction...
- Then the conversation went like this...
- And then I realized that BOOM
- And I concluded...
Pretend you're writing this or telling it to your best friend.
If you and a man had a meeting at which realization came, retell what happened. Write down his lines, your lines. Add your interpretation of his remarks. Whether the interpretation is correct or not is irrelevant. Any interpretation is mental material that needs to be processed.
If you do everything right, you'll probably start to have a flood of emotions because the situation is charged. Don’t memorize emotions, write them down immediately, interrupting your narration for a while.
Let's say you can write:
- It hurt me when he told me that...
- I felt pain from the realization that this was the end, and I would not see him again...
- When he wrote this to me, I felt offended because...
Depending on the severity and duration of the incident, this may take you up to 2 A4 pages. The more detailed you write it, the better.
Why does it become necessary to forget a loved one?
There are a lot of situations when relationships crack or are completely impossible. The most common is separation from a loved one, which occurred on his initiative. The girl still experiences affection and tender feelings, but they are mixed with the bitter taste of betrayal.
Day after day she suffers, cries into her pillow, cannot work normally, and stops taking care of herself. Depression can also end in suicide, and cutting a young person out of your life and your heart becomes the only way out.
Of course, there are other cases - for example, you fall in love with a guy who completely ignores you or makes it clear that a relationship is impossible. It would seem that since there was no mutual sympathy, the situation is not so terrible. But it’s impossible to build a relationship, there’s a residue in your soul, and there’s no chance of moving on.
In the most tragic situations, there is a need to overcome pain after the death of a loved one, and this will not necessarily be a man, perhaps another close relative. The bitterness of loss sometimes becomes unbearable, but if there are people nearby who are ready to support, it becomes easier to worry.
Sometimes there are no close people left, they cannot understand you or are too far away.
