A husband beats his wife and child - how to escape from tyranny?

In this article we will tell you:

7 possible reasons for aggression on the part of your husband
7 steps to solve the problem
Advice from psychologists to women who are abused by their husbands
What not to do to avoid making the situation worse

What should women do if their husband constantly insults them? Start showing mutual aggression? Tolerate? Try to reason with your spouse? In some cases this may correct the situation, in others it may not. The fact is that there are men who consider this behavior absolutely normal.

In general, the question of what exactly to do is quite complex. Here you need to act carefully and be sure to take into account the specifics of the specific situation. But what you definitely can’t do is leave the problem unattended. The hopes that everything will settle down over time are too elusive here.

Terror in the family and what provokes it

Speaking about domestic violence, we mean not only assault; domestic terror can develop in three directions:

Moral bullying, when the head of the family prefers to “beat” with words, humiliating and insulting members of the household, trying to suppress each individual and gain control over it.
With psychophysical terror, words alone cannot do the trick; physical force is added to insults.
A particularly dangerous type of domestic violence is physical terror, in which the beating of family members is not justified by any reason, is carried out without warning and is a systematic event. A person’s desire for physical violence is often a sign of mental abnormality and serves as a basis for appropriate treatment.

The desire to hurt a family member does not come out of nowhere - usually the fact that a husband beats his daughter, son or wife is due to a number of factors:

insufficiently high self-esteem;
the presence of social, psychological or psychiatric problems;
addiction to alcohol or drugs;
problems with self-control and communication;
tendency to depression or aggressive states, suicide;
An important role is played by the level occupied by the domestic aggressor in society, his material wealth, the presence or absence of work, the education received and the level of cultural upbringing.

Victims of domestic violence need to realize that their case is in no way a conflict, since it is based on an existing problem that can be resolved. Here is an attempt to gain control with the infliction of moral and physical damage. At the same time, the terrorist justifies his own actions by hook or by crook. However, neither argument is usually a valid reason.

Domestic violence is resolved by leaving the aggressor, but the victim needs to understand what reasons provoked the situation. It does not happen that in family life the fault lies with only one of the parties - if a man shows aggression, the woman allows it to be directed at her and the children. And even if a couple leaves and creates a new one, there are no guarantees that the situation with moral and physical violence will not repeat itself. One of the dangers of domestic violence is communication, which, although painful, continues to be maintained by both the tyrant and the victim.

Violence due to alcoholism

Alcoholism can turn a loving husband and a wonderful family man into a cruel tyrant who revels in his power. According to statistics, in families where a man suffers from alcohol addiction, most conflicts end in fights and serious physical injuries.

A man who “looks into the glass” and shows aggression can even commit the murder of his wife.

If a husband beats his wife when he is drunk, the relationship should be broken off immediately. We hear this stereotype on screens and often encounter it in print media. In fact, subsequent events play an important role in this matter. Many men, having sobered up and realized their actions, understand their consequences, and show a willingness to fight their vices. In this situation, the woman’s departure can only worsen the man’s condition and cause a suicide attempt.

However, if the faithful has not come to the realization of his mistake, he should break off the relationship without hesitation. The first episodes of domestic violence caused by the influence of alcohol can only affect you, and later on your children. Such parental behavior can leave a deep negative imprint on the fragile child’s psyche. In addition, the strength of aggression will increase with each episode, which sooner or later can lead to tragic events.

Factors provoking family problems

To solve any problem - and family violence is no exception - it is necessary to know what specific factor triggered the process. Most often, tyrannical habits are formed in childhood, when the child largely imitates his parents and adopts their methods of education in the future, even when they are clearly negative and incorrect. Growing up, a child builds his own family life in the image and likeness of his parents’ lives, and this rule applies to both aggressors and victims:

In psychologically healthy families, the child grows up in an atmosphere of mutual respect and love, where the opinions of others are taken into account and the right to vote is given to all members of the household team. A different situation arises when the head of the family at one time grew up in an atmosphere of fear and aggression. It seems likely that his desire to inflict pain is based on his own physical or psychological trauma suffered at a young age. The tyrant compensates for his own inferiority and uncertainty by demonstrating physical superiority over the weaker. At the same time, the aggressor’s self-esteem is not always low, and tyrannical behavior is built on the image of a father beating his mother stored in the subconscious.
Children and wives are often beaten by a drinking husband - alcohol addiction deprives a person of the opportunity to critically evaluate his behavior, and he follows only reflexes. In a situation where a man is dependent on alcohol, an important factor is the woman’s response to the aggression shown. If the victim blames drinking for domestic violence, the tyrant feels his own impunity and further, increasing the physical impact, uses the excuse already provided - alcohol is to blame!
Another factor provoking violence is the sexual inability of an alcohol-dependent man. Unable to provide his wife with pleasure, losing sexual desire, the man remains capable of jealousy mixed with paranoia. It seems to an alcoholic that his functions are being performed by a stranger, simultaneously mocking his weakness with the woman - the result is an outburst of aggression and assault.

Stop codependency and domestic violence! Seek advice from our specialists!

As for the victim’s reaction, the cause, again, may be childhood trauma. If it was customary in the family to bully a child, the behavior of the victim is embedded in his subconscious. Subsequently, during domestic disputes, an unconscious provocation occurs - the woman does not resist, which inflames the rapist even more. If in childhood a girl repeatedly observed violence against her non-resisting mother, a conclusion is formed in her head about the naturalness of submission, and in order to manifest this trait in life she needs a tyrant husband.

Often the cause of violence lies in the woman’s weak personality and her susceptibility to outside influence.

The aggressor can act gradually and leisurely, starting with seemingly unintentional moral “jabs,” leaving the victim with the erroneous opinion that she is able to change the situation for the better. Having made sure that the woman does not plan to go into active defense and complain to strangers, the rapist uses physical force. This is a very dangerous moment - if you do not respond by leaving in such a situation, the aggressor begins to destroy the personality, and acts in such a way that the victim accuses himself of bringing the tyrant to physical violence.

Advice from psychologists to women who are abused by their husbands

If your husband begins to insult you, the advice of a psychologist will help you easily overcome the current situation and direct the relationship in the right direction. Experts offer:

Leaving your spouse alone - even if you haven’t thought about separating, you can move out of the apartment for a while. Don't agree to meetings by ignoring calls and messages. Upon your return, tell your husband how calmly you lived without him. This will sober up your partner, and, most likely, he will think about his behavior.
Ignore your husband during the next attack of aggression. Just leave the room or turn away and wait silently until your husband stops insulting you.
Next, calmly tell him that you shouldn’t blame others for the fact that the man has driven himself into such a sad state. If he needs help, his family will support and help him. Hysterics and swear words are grounds for ending family life, which should definitely be mentioned during the conversation.
Questions are unpleasant and denigrating in a public place. This can stop an outbreak of aggression, since tyrants do not like spectators. But it is not recommended to resort to this technique if there are relatives or children nearby.

Ways to curb a domestic abuser

Having realized her role as a victim of domestic violence, a woman needs to decide what measures will take control of the situation. An important fact is that domestic abusers are afraid of publicity and outside interference. It would be reasonable for a woman to follow simple rules:

If you need outside help - relatives, neighbors, law enforcement agencies - you need to ask for and accept it without hesitation. Testimony from outsiders will help prove the beating - embarrassment is also inappropriate here.
You should think through and prepare a place for temporary residence after leaving the rapist; these could be apartments of relatives and friends, city shelters.
You will need to pack a bag with essentials, medicines, important documents or their notarized copies and give them to a trusted person for safekeeping.
You will have to instill in yourself the habit of carrying the keys to your home or vehicle in your pockets, which will allow you to avoid becoming a hostage to the aggressor and return to your apartment if necessary. A good option is to make duplicates and give them to loved ones.
When the victim is finally ready to leave the rapist, all information about the possible location will need to be destroyed.
The telephone number of the crisis center for victims of violence should be remembered by heart, the same applies to the police station, hospital, capable of organizing the necessary assistance to women and children.

Having realized the seriousness of a woman’s intentions, a man is also capable of change, for which he will need to learn to redirect aggression to physical activity and overcome the desire to implement negative behavioral models. But it is necessary to understand that independent changes for the better are possible only when there are no addictions and mental pathologies.

Broken vase

Several years ago I was visiting my close friend Tatyana in a provincial town. “Meet my second husband, Sergei,” she introduced me to a quite pleasant young man ten years younger than her. For some reason, Tanya did not inform me about her new marriage in advance. Okay, a husband is a husband. Having recovered from the shock, she sat down at the table with them. At first, Sergei was courteous and polite, pouring wine for the ladies and telling jokes. Soon he became tipsy, his tone became suspiciously vulgar and cheeky.

Having pulled himself together quite a bit, Sergei grabbed a heavy bowl of fruit and threw it at Tanya’s head. She barely managed to dodge. The vase broke into pieces, peaches and grapes rolled on the floor...

Sergei picked up an ax that was lying in the corner. “So it’s like that,” he announced. “I’m going to see a friend now, I’ll be back in two hours.” If you don’t open it, I’ll cut down the door with an ax and hack you to death at the same time.” He slammed the door with all his might.

“Don’t be afraid, he won’t do anything!” - Tatiana swore. But she herself understood that staying in the house was dangerous. “Let’s go to my employee, there are only five stops on the tram.” We ran to the bus stop.

Is it possible to correct the situation?

Often women try to save their marriage and guide their husband on the “righteous” path, despite the aggression. This desire is due to the fear of loneliness. But is it advisable? Will it help fix the situation? It is impossible to answer these questions on your own. It is recommended to seek help from a psychologist. In addition to helping directly in solving the problem that has arisen, he will advise (if you want to save the relationship) ways to suppress oppressive manifestations on the part of your spouse.

What to do? Leave? Forgive? If a husband raises his hand against his wife, the advice of a psychologist and his help in obtaining answers to these questions is extremely important. For couples to maintain their marriage and emotional connection, it is important to understand the need for mutual change.

If a man raised his hand to a woman, psychology recommends that she realize the importance of her own behavior in this situation, accepting the difficulties that accompany getting out of the problem. If the husband wants to change, he will need support. It lies in the spouse’s ability to listen and hear, advise, and prevent conflicts. These are the basics of the right path in your endeavors. It is important that the man understands that, regardless of the problems that arise, the troubles of life, the wife will be there.

Despite behavioral mistakes that are not related to aggression, avoid critical remarks. Leave past misdeeds in the past, do not remember them. Praise, compliment, encourage. This should be the basis of marital communication.

Recommendations for a husband who resorts to assault are as follows: find a way to splash out excess energy, direct it in a positive direction. If a man beats a woman, psychology offers 2 options for solving the problem.

The first method is the verbal manifestation of thoughts. Using force is not the only way to express emotions. Get out of the habit of it. Do not prove your opinion or rightness by force, use verbal persuasion. Constant “training” of verbal communication will make it a habit, eliminating the need for assault.

The second way is to release energy through physical activity. In this case, sports activities are recommended, for example:

football;
struggle;
boxing.

For less fit men, a regular long run will do.

Taking out negative emotions on an imaginary opponent in the form of a punching bag will lead to peace of mind for the husband and security for the wife. The need to prove one’s strength and leadership through assault will recede.

Spouse's jealousy

Men say jealousy is the main cause of aggressive emotional breakdowns. To a certain extent, jealousy is inherent in all people, but a mentally healthy, adequate man can cope with jealousy and correct his behavior without transferring aggression to his partner.

An insecure husband prone to paranoia and pathological jealousy will look for signs of infidelity, even when there is no real reason. He doesn’t need a real reason; he is guided by a distorted idea of married life. For a jealous person, physical violence is a way to mark their territory. The husband can beat and intimidate his wife, making others understand that the wife is his property, and it is better for potential lovers to stay away.

How to resist beatings

A woman must learn to defend herself and resist a fighter.
It will be quite difficult for a woman to resist a strong, aggressive man. If she is unable to leave her home, and in addition, children are growing up in this house, then she must begin to fight for their rights and for her own too. The woman must declare that she will not allow either her children or herself to be beaten.

In such a situation, she can go to self-defense courses.
If he sees that a man is starting to heat up, that he is about to explode, it is better to take the children in time and go for a walk.
A great option is to hide in a room that can be locked from the inside. But at the same time, it is advisable that you have a mobile phone with you, because the situation can get out of control at any moment. Who knows what will come into the mind of an aggressive man who wants to beat his wife. Suddenly you have to call the police.
If possible, you need to rent a separate apartment. If you are not financially able to do this, turn to your friends or parents.

Features of the psychology of the aggressor

In the mind of a pathologically aggressive man, his actions are an adequate reaction caused by his wife’s incorrect behavior. For normal mental well-being, he needs a sacrifice, with the help of which he relieves emotional stress.

A woman is not chosen by chance: a man chooses a wife who will be dependent on him. An insecure woman who needs protection and is prone to self-accusation is ideal.

It doesn't matter whether the victim is defending himself or not. The husband perceives retaliatory aggression as a legalization of his own aggression. If the wife does not respond to attacks, accepting the role of the victim, the husband convinces himself that this state of affairs is normal. A man is afraid of losing his wife, he is attached to the victim, needs her. Therefore, after a beating, the husband always apologizes and promises to improve. Manipulates his wife's feelings, making her believe that this breakdown was the last.