Disappointment in people is not a reason to “get involved” with them

Adviсe

• Typical symptoms of disappointment
• Common reasons for disappointment in people
• Effective ways to cope with disappointment

Life is comparable to a series of black and white time intervals, changing in accordance with the events that occur in the world around us. Occurring situations are regarded as reasons for personal self-improvement, or become prerequisites for loss of mental balance. It is not surprising that a common reason affecting the deterioration of psychological state is the negative behavior of people close to us. Often, a depressed mood knocks you out of your usual rhythm and deprives you of sleep, is accompanied by a feeling of loneliness and gives rise to a variety of negative thoughts on a subconscious level. The risk of internal and social conflicts directly depends on the scale of betrayal committed by a loved one.

How to change the current course of events? Where can I find the strength to restore spiritual harmony? Is it worth forgiving the offender? What symptoms and consequences are characteristic of individuals who are disappointed in loved ones? Are there effective ways to get out of depression? How to continue to communicate with a friend or lover? To answer the questions that arise, you need to take a responsible approach to studying the problem. Disturbances in the functioning of congenital and acquired psychological defense mechanisms can cause the emergence of intrapersonal conflict, therefore, neglecting spiritual torment, hoping for a successful combination of circumstances, is an inappropriate solution.

What is disappointment

Disappointment is a negative emotional state that is manifested by dissatisfaction and a tendency to worry about unfulfilled dreams, aspirations or hopes, as well as a collapse of faith in something or someone.
It occurs after a situation in which a person loses his “rose-colored glasses” and faces reality. It appears when a carefully planned or even idealized result turns out to be unattainable and at one moment all illusions collapse. We can say that disappointment is the other side of hope. Disenchantment is the logical, final stage of charm. If the first is accompanied by joyful euphoria, pleasure or an intoxicating state of consciousness, then the second is impossible without sadness, anger, and emptiness. Disappointment is considered one of the most complex emotional states when a person simultaneously experiences sadness, anger, and resentment. How energy-consuming it can be is shown by the epithets for the word “disappointment”: hopeless, painful, unbearable or even murderous.

A few facts to help you better understand disappointment:

• This is one of the configurations of frustration - a state in which a person realizes the impossibility of achieving what he wants and experiences anger, despair, and anxiety about this.
• Depending on the strength of emotions, it has a wide scale of gradations from “well, okay” to “a complete bummer!”
• If you immerse yourself in it for too long, it can become a personality trait.
• Looking frustrated is trying to be in charge. It is always a question of power and submission.
• This is not an innate, but a culturally learned egocentric emotion. More often used as a reproach or justification for one’s inaction. Less often - for decoration or to attract attention.
• It always contains the image of another “bad” person, therefore it divides and puts barriers between people.
• A disappointed person loses hope and support in life. Therefore, this condition is physically associated with problems with the spine, a feeling of heaviness in the head and arms. If regret accumulates over the years, it literally prevents you from taking a deep breath and leads to lung problems (tuberculosis, for example).

Typical symptoms of disappointment

It is of paramount importance to identify the presence of depression in time. People experiencing severe spiritual suffering in the early stages refuse to acknowledge the magnitude of the situation. If you are faced with the betrayal of a loved one, then think about the need to monitor the course of your thoughts in the near future. Be honest with yourself. It is not surprising that disappointment will significantly damage your psychological state - there is no need to be ashamed or afraid of such a result; it is recommended to “fight” it correctly. You can determine the presence of an internal personality conflict caused by a powerful emotional “push” using common symptoms resulting from disappointment:

Anxiety that fills the consciousness and dulls the activity of innate psychological defense mechanisms. Such a state is invariably accompanied by excessive tension in the nervous system, signaling the danger of the current state of “things.” Resentment and aggression, explained by the presence of increased levels of anger in devoted people. In a fit of such emotions, we resort to insults, trying to offend the offender. Severe “forms” of internal indignation are accompanied by assault and a complete loss of control over one’s actions. However, regardless of the manifestation of their spiritual state, after such situations people often stop maintaining relationships. Self-doubt and loss of hope for a bright future, in which the events that happened will remain only an unpleasant memory. The gradation of one’s own emotions and negative thoughts is necessarily embodied in negative projections of upcoming situations. A person initially sets himself up for failure, losing faith in a positive outcome. Denial of the events that took place, driving a person into the punishment cell of internal experiences. It is not surprising that disagreement with the circumstances that have occurred develops into a serious mental illness. Loss of mental balance and apathy towards the world around us, aggressive behavior and inadequate response are common symptoms that characterize a degenerating personality.

After reviewing the above list, you have the opportunity to assess the scale of the current situation. If you do not set such a goal, then the only option that can restore the harmony of your inner world is regular visits to a practicing psychologist. Only a professional will be able to identify the true causes and correctly diagnose the patient, making the right decision on the treatment of a serious mental illness.

Five stages on the path from charm to maturity

Psychologists say that a person feels disappointed for as long as it takes to reorient the psyche and consciousness. Moreover, such experience is a mandatory step on the path to maturity.

How the completed process of disillusionment occurs:

First stage: charm.

When a person is CHARMED, it is as if he falls under the spell of: an idea, a hobby, another person, a profession, a new place of work. A very pleasant and necessary state, but also very short-lived.

Stage two: disappointment.

This is a process of disenchantment, when illusions collapse. The main symptoms of the second stage: loss of hope, indignation, attempts to drown out the pain with bad habits (alcoholism, drug addiction), denial. At this stage, people either “break down” or analyze the reasons for their condition. Sometimes they go to a psychotherapist for an answer.

Third stage: recovery.

Those who managed to pull themselves together and get out of a dangerous turn reach this stage. Recovery provides inspiration for creativity and frees up strength for new relationships.

Fourth stage: maturity.

During this period, a person is at the peak of his capabilities. He becomes the Master, not the Victim: he builds comfortable relationships with others, stops complaining, and feels gratitude for any opportunities.

Fifth stage: satisfaction.

This is the satisfaction of being able to pull yourself together and enter a new stage of life. This is the pleasure that an old problem has been solved and no longer bothers you. In general, people who reach this stage become kinder. Perhaps it comes from wisdom.

This is such an interesting transformation. But to pass it, you will have to work on yourself.

How to overcome disappointment with minimal losses

Unofficial statistics among psychotherapists show that disappointment in life is behind the majority of client requests. Of course, in most cases we are disappointed in love relationships. But not only. This state is often associated with career, loss of an old point of view, or getting rid of illusions. In some cases it is experienced as a difficult moment, in others – as a long psychological process.

Waiting for it to “go away on its own” is useless. But you can use a ready-made strategy and move on.

Feel all the painful emotions.

It is necessary to become aware of your emotional reaction, even if it is traumatic. If you don’t admit it, disappointment will become more and more powerful over time and can lead to depression.

Give yourself time to grieve.

To get rid of negativity, you need to live it “to the very bottom.” You shouldn’t blame, beat yourself up, or pretend that nothing is happening. It’s better to set aside a day or a week (depending on the strength of your emotions) and worry to your heart’s content.

Understand your expectations in a specific situation.

For example, disappointment in a person could occur due to inflated standards - for him or for himself. Or because of too active idealization of a partner.

Give yourself time to recover.

Think about what would be the best solution to the situation for you? What lessons can you learn from it? This way you will be able to understand that such a state is not the end, but only a period of life.

Switch to a resource activity.

It will be more useful if it is creativity. Anything, as long as it gives energy and leaves joy. Additional strength will be useful in order to return to your goals and move on.

Conclusions:

• Disappointment is an experience that comes after facing reality.
• It becomes a resourceful state in situations where you need to slow down, reconsider your views on life, get rid of illusions, gain spiritual experience, accumulate potential, find harmony and calm.
• It's part of life. You'll just have to come to terms with it.

What is the resource of the state of disappointment?

Do you want to make better decisions, find your ideal career, realize your maximum potential and receive instructions for individual development?

?
All this can be done using the Human Design
. Build your map and get basic decryptions for free.

But disappointment also has useful qualities. It helps us return to a state of balance when we:

• We dive too deeply into our expectations, illusions or fantasies about something or someone.
• We continue to live with children's magical thinking with faith in universal justice and universal love.
• We attach excessive value to food, sex, money, material goods.
• We demand the impossible from ourselves and fight with all our might against a problem we cannot solve.
• We are not going towards our own goal, but a goal imposed by stereotypes and other people’s expectations.
• We get hung up on predictability, planning, control, trying to predict everything down to the smallest detail.

Disappointment in people becomes dangerous when it becomes devalued. Devaluation is the denial of any value of relationships, experiences, experiences. It relieves pain, but kills spiritual growth and positive emotions. Disappointment without devaluation provides valuable experience, deepens and transforms relationships, and strengthens self-confidence.

Disappointment in people

My mistake was

that I was expecting fruit

from a tree that can only bear flowers.

Honore Mirabeau

I plan to make this article long. For some, this will seem too tedious, as they expect to receive answers to their questions from the first lines; for others, the information will be complete and capacious. Personally, I have no intention of disappointing, but I have the intention of writing everything that I know about disappointment, and there’s no way I can squeeze that into a few lines.

A person has the right to be fascinated and disappointed - no one has taken away this right from him and no one will take it away. A person has the right to charm and disappoint - no one has taken away this right from him and no one will take it away. The only question that remains is: how to deal with this, how to act, how to live?

I remember a story told by a friend many years ago. She said that during a school break, together with other school classmates, they saw the teacher going to the toilet. For them, this was a great disappointment in the teacher and the collapse of the idea that the teacher is not ideal and goes to the toilet like that.

I am quite sure that every person goes through disappointment in people, in a loved one, in friends, in life. In this case, various kinds of feelings arise: anger, rage, bewilderment, despondency, hatred, resentment, contempt, regret, apathy, fear.

The roots of this feeling are not innate, but a culturally learned emotion, most often used as a reproach or justification for one’s own reluctance to do something. Disappointment is an object feeling, i.e., where I am, there is another object.

As a rule, the idea of ​​“another object” is imaginary, idealized, and superficial. In psychology there is a term CAUSAL ATTRIBUTION, which means that a person attributes qualities and properties that are not characteristic of another person due to the lack of complete information about him.

Would a person be disappointed in another person if he knew almost everything about him? No. Therefore, for completeness of information and ideas about another, we project (transfer) our expectations, our needs and desires, qualities, character traits and behavior onto a person. Then, when our idea of ​​a person begins to not coincide with the real qualities of another, then disappointment occurs. (Example with a teacher).

The most painful thing, as I think and know, is disappointment in love, since it is in love that a person is most inclined to idealize his partner. Like a twin of idealization, love addiction comes alongside.

Negative experiences in relationships often prompt a person to promise himself not to trust or trust anyone again, so as not to be disappointed. I believe that such promises cannot build harmonious relationships, since such relationships are built on mutual respect and trust.

Beautiful words? At one time, I also promised not to trust anyone, not to fall in love, but this idea was of no use. It was easier to let the situation take its course, while remaining more attentive to what was happening.

Overcoming disappointment in love is extremely difficult, as dreams, plans, and hopes for the future collapse. But who made these plans? Who endowed another person with character traits that were not characteristic of him? It turns out that the person himself suffers from the fact that he invented unnecessary things about another person and believed in something that does not exist.

- Yes, but this scoundrel betrayed me!!!

I have sad news: people have the right to be who they want to be and not live up to our expectations. The hook for morality (but he should be like that...) only aggravates the situation and binds him to resentment.

With morality, things are more complicated, since it is moral (correct, fair, honest) behavior that a person most expects from family and friends. This is why anger and resentment towards family and friends is the hardest to experience.

In disappointment in people, the situation is aggravated by the fact that in search of liberation from experiences, a person is inclined to blame the other (them). In the position - I am RIGHT, the other person automatically becomes GUILTY. Having such a position, it is impossible to change yourself, to look soberly at the situation, to notice real things. By real things, I mean that in relationships, on a subtle level, we are often treated the way we ourselves act towards other people, but often we don’t notice it (don’t realize it), or we don’t want to admit this fact.

Having found the reason in yourself, you can fall into blaming yourself - this also does not solve the situation. Changes the situation by making changes in oneself that would prevent the repetition of negative experiences. It also changes the situation of changing another through education, through expressing one’s feelings (without blaming), expressing one’s feelings.

- By your action, you caused me a lot of mental pain! If our relationship is important to you, please be careful in future what you say and how you act. Everything has a limit. Much can be understood, but I am not going to close my eyes to many things.

I believe that to remain silent about your disappointment, your pain, means internally agreeing with what is happening, means depriving a person of the opportunity to hear you and change. This is what I call education.

If a person does not notice your requests, if he continues to behave as before, there is a high probability that he will not change. Once is an accident. Two is a coincidence. Three is a pattern. Whether to stay in such a relationship or not is everyone’s business, but you need to clearly understand the responsibility for making any decision.

There is a category of people who tend to disappoint others. With their behavior, they seem to ingratiate themselves, confess their love, do sweet, pleasant things, and promise a lot. In their actions, other than sincerity, nothing can be noticed. As soon as a certain stage (period) of the relationship comes for them, they do everything possible to cause moral pain, resentment, and disappointment.

A case from practice comes to mind in which, finishing another session, the client said: “At the next meeting, I will tell you SO much about myself that your attitude towards me will change for the worse.” “Did you intentionally kill a child?” - No. “Then I don’t know why I could treat you worse.” I have no expectations for you, and I have no illusions about you. I perceive you as you are.

Her model of relationships with men was based on the principle of liking/rejecting. Yes, as a woman, she was pleasant and attractive, but despite her “intimidation”, she failed to disappoint me, since I was not fascinated by her and perceived her as she was, with a wide variety of behavior. Since my behavior did not fit into her script, she did not come to the next meetings, despite some agreements.

Family life is not a continuous holiday

Family life really doesn’t exist without some of these not-so-pleasant moments. There will always be some obstacles and stages along the way in family life and you need to learn how to somehow get through them. A person cannot live up to all your expectations. He may make mistakes, take the wrong steps, forget what is important to you, somewhere get tired of the fact that he needs to correspond to you. He may quarrel with you, punish you with silence, and sometimes not understand you at all.

Most often, women find themselves in a state of frustration (when feelings are deceived due to a discrepancy between desires and capabilities). Especially after they get married. They naively believe that their husband will “always carry them in his arms.”

“Gray everyday life” sets in, nothing like this happens. It’s just that the husband first forgot the date of the wedding anniversary, then the mother-in-law’s birthday, then he forgot to buy flowers, then something else. Discontent accumulates, which then turns into disappointment.

What should you do in this situation to overcome disappointment? You won't change your life partner all the time, will you? This means we need to look for ways to somehow overcome disappointment. But how?

Advice . Always tell yourself that a man doesn't have to meet all your expectations. He is who he is. And when you married him, he was the same. Nothing changed. Therefore, in quarrels, tell yourself: “Do I want to be right OR happy?” And sit down at the negotiating table, discuss, come to an agreement. Just don't be silent!

Since disappointment is always accompanied by very strong stress, you should not give in to despair, otherwise you can cause irreparable harm to your health, because stress transforms into depression.

What are the main reasons a woman may be disappointed in a man?

Disappointment in yourself

In my practice, and not only that, I periodically encounter such a phenomenon as introjection. Its essence is that it seems to me that, for example, certain actions, actions, character traits, motives, attitudes, and behavior are expected of me. Then, in order not to disappoint the other person, I try to meet his supposed expectations of me. Not everything turns out as planned. When you fail to live up to fictitious expectations, then self-disappointment occurs.

The funniest and saddest thing in this situation is that the other person may not suspect anything about “my” intentions and disappointments in himself. Then, I can make decisions for another person that I am not suitable (do not meet expectations) for a relationship. The next step in this action could be ending or ending the relationship on my part.

Disappointment in oneself can come from excessive demands on oneself. The main reason why people overestimate their demands on themselves is their belief that they will be loved, accepted, accepted, noticed when they become, for example, famous, rich, successful, beautiful, etc.

Disappointment in people is an integral part of life, especially in young years. Through pain and resentment, anger and anger, love and intimacy, a person often comes to understand:

Be less critical;

don't expect much from some people -

and your disappointment will not be so strong.”

Jesus.

Or…

I do my thing and you do your thing. I don't live in this world to live up to your expectations. And you don't live in this world to live up to my expectations. You are you. And I am me. And if we happen to meet each other, that’s wonderful. And if not, it cannot be helped. (F. Perls, founder of Gestalt therapy. 1951)

The article was written on May 29, 2012

psychologist in Moscow Andrey Bukshuk

Requests for help Write your story Hello. I'm 16. My name doesn't matter, and I'm thinking about suicide. I was disappointed in people, in society and in the world. I'm desperate. I live with my grandmother, my mother is far away and sometimes drinks. If he drinks, he drinks for weeks. This makes me very sad. I swore that I would never drink. Now I'm in 9th grade, I'm studying well and I'm afraid of not passing the exams. This adds fuel to the fire. If I don't pass, I don't see any point in continuing to live. I am complex and not very sociable. But there are friends. I am very receptive and naive. I had a close friend who supported me and talked me out of suicide. We went through a lot together, but not so long ago he left me. This also played a role. I am an analytical person, I read books. But I don’t find answers there either. I don’t see the point in living, it seems to me that no one needs me. And if you think about it, why live? I am very tired now, what will happen next?? I'm afraid to act, I'm afraid of being judged by people. I'm afraid to live. What is a sense of life? To suffer? Fight? Ahhhh I can't take it anymore. Tell me what to do.. Help.

I want to regain confidence in life. , age: 16 / 02/01/2019

Responses:

Hello. Darling, but in life, besides struggle and suffering, there is something else - happiness, love, attention, care, motherhood, joy, etc. Don't focus only on the negative. You study well, which means the exams will go well, the main thing here is to cope with your nerves. With age, you will liberate yourself, become more sociable, more independent, and you will find the meaning of life. Some people dream of their own home, some of a big family, some of travel, some of helping others. I am sure that you also have your own goals and plans. And why suicide?! Nothing is possible from the grave. I wish you health, success and faith in the best!

Irina, age: 31 / 02/02/2019

Hello, honey! I read your letter carefully, your cry for help, and I really want to talk to you. I’m many years old now, but once I was young like you, and all the grandmothers seemed so old and... boring! My classmates seemed stupid and uninteresting, life seemed to be going on empty... My girl, believe me, this happens to everyone! But life, it is multifaceted, multifaceted! Now you can’t even imagine HOW MUCH good, bright, happy things will happen ahead! You are still very young and it is a characteristic of youth to be dissatisfied with everything. This happens to everyone! You don’t have to wait for something magical, you have to try to find joy in the little things. Do a great cleaning in the apartment, put flowers in a vase, buy something tasty - mom will be surprised! Learn a lesson for five, let everyone in the class gasp. Buy a feeder and pour the birds' lunch into it every day. Make someone else happy and then happiness will come to you too. If you, my girl, knew HOW MANY hopelessly ill teenagers would be incredibly happy to have everything you have... But, alas, they no longer have anything to hope for, however, they value every new day, every hour they live... Maybe you Now you’ll say: what do I care about everyone else when ME, exactly ME, feels so bad?! But in reality you are lucky, you just don’t know it. You may not know how to be happy, but you can learn! I hug you tightly! Please live! And you will have everything!

Clear sunshine, age: 57 / 02/02/2019

Hey, don't be upset, sunshine! Please don't think about such a word as "suicide." I understand you and even very much. I myself am 17 years old, the same age as you) But I’m in the 11th grade, you and I have similar problems, only I have the Unified State Examination. I took the State Exam, and I can calmly tell you that you will succeed. After you pass the exams, you will draw conclusions for yourself that the ordinary test that you always wrote at school is even more difficult than the State Examination Test. My advice to you is to leave after 9th grade. I regret not leaving. You are a smart girl! Try to calm down, bunny. This world is cruel and unfair, we are not able to change it, we just need to be stronger and move on.

Zara, age: 17 / 02/02/2019

Hello, it seems to me that your answers to the question what is the meaning of life are not very suitable, as I personally understood, the point is to make mistakes, but always look for a solution to this mistake, but in no case is the solution “suicide”, this the lot of very weak people. Of course, you may think, “This person, unknown to me, writes the same thing that many others write on this site,” but I believe in every person and believe that everyone has the strength to overcome any failure in this world. I’ll tell you a little about myself, I’m not far behind you in age (I’m 19) and I remember the same experiences about GIA. My parents told me, “You’re the worst student in your class, the algebra teacher is complaining about you,” etc., I actually skipped school (because I realized that it’s not scary and maximum teachers can write in my diary “Calling Parents”), yes and I was not good at algebra. And on the day of the algebra exam, I saw the assignments and thought, “Are you serious?” There were not very difficult problems and examples. Of course, according to the result, I received a C, but as a person who gave up on studying, it suited me. I won’t write about the other subjects; even a fifth grader can handle them with a C grade. So this is what I mean, if you study well, then don’t even dare worry about these exams, just maintain your knowledge, but don’t “force” yourself with it. Regarding friends... I had a lot of them and very few left, but maybe that’s just the kind of person I am, people turned away from me the same way, but I take it calmly, the main thing is that I myself don’t do anything bad to them, which means I have to worry Nothing, remember, this is very important in life. And as for a close friend... It means you were not so close to him, this often happens, unfortunately, it’s not for nothing that they say “You need to choose your friends carefully,” but this is all experience and your own mistakes. Sorry, but about parents, I can’t say much... We don’t choose them, that’s a fact, but life shouldn’t end because of them, try talking to her about it. Let the idea settle in her head and then everything might work out (I’m not talking about a 100% probability, in this world there are few things that have a 100% probability, especially in communication with a person, but the chance itself is there and that’s the main thing). I hope you read my message, and even more I hope that what I wrote will be useful to you, thank you and all the best ^^

Rosan, age: 19 / 02/02/2019

Previous request Next request Return to the beginning of the section

Important Steps on the Path to Healing

The feeling of disappointment is devastating and instills uncertainty. It leads to many negative consequences, from loss of trust to awareness of the meaninglessness of life as such.

A person feels depressed, helpless, abandoned, unnecessary. He loses hope and faith and becomes a pessimist.

The fact that a loved one turns out to be different is regarded as betrayal and deception.

You forgave, believed, hoped, but nothing changed - and finally, your eyes were opened. Remember four important things:

1. Firstly, disappointment in one person, even very strong and painful, cannot affect your entire life.

Fight your anger, resist the surging depression, but don’t let yourself be drowned.

Crying and worrying are allowed; for some, tears help to let go of the situation.

Chat with friends, look for new hobbies, dance, hit a punching bag - any means are good when you need a distraction.

2. Secondly, revenge is the worst way out of the situation. Pain for pain, an eye for an eye - this is all unproductive nonsense that will only worsen your internal conflict.

3. Third, disappointment can be useful and sobering. It gives a lesson in life psychology.

Next time, you will not blindly trust the first impression; you will be more careful in opening your heart. Or maybe you decide to get rid of illusions forever and learn to evaluate people realistically?

4. Fourthly, you most likely noticed for a long time that something was wrong with this person. You had doubts, suspicions, but you tried to ignore them.

There were a million prerequisites for his final bad act, which became a critical point. Therefore, this is also your fault.

This is normal, we prefer not to notice what is unpleasant to us. Like little children believing in Santa Claus, we hope for a miracle: maybe it just seemed like it?

But now you have to admit that the chosen one is far from ideal, has a hundred minuses and unacceptable qualities.

Getting sober is unpleasant, you'll get a bad hangover, and you don't have to fight it alone.

How to live after being disappointed in a friend

The more hopes we place on friends and loved ones, the greater the disappointment when they are not met.

And this is the whole root of evil: like a young dreamer, you first look at the world through rose-colored glasses, and then abruptly pull them off - and everything around seems gray and dull.

Perhaps you expected too much from your partner or girlfriend, setting the bar high to achieve the mythical ideal of a relationship?

Disappointed in your loved one, realizing that he is far from a fairy-tale prince, you are ready to withdraw into yourself and break all ties.

Stop: are you in no hurry? Sometimes, when you shake off the glitter and sequins from your fictitious ideal image, you can find a completely normal person underneath.

With complexes and vices, with an army of cockroaches, nervous tics and bad habits - but his own, beloved and dear.

Think about the reasons for this feeling - are they so serious? Of course, if the guy turns out to be a maniac, an alcoholic and a fighter, you should end all relationships and forget about him as soon as possible.

But you will be surprised: some ladies are disappointed in their life partners because they express themselves illiterately, fold their underwear sloppily, or smell bad after the gym.

A frank conversation helps: explain to the person who caused you pain by his actions. What if he repents and is ready to become an ideal for the sake of your relationship?

If the disappointment is too great, the best thing you can do is forgive. Try to take this new experience as a life lesson.

Thank fate for making you stronger. And continue to believe in people - they know how to pleasantly surprise.