How long does it really take to get over a breakup with someone you previously loved? There is no consensus among relationship experts. For example, some people believe that it will take you half the time you spent with your loved one to return to a “normal” life. What do you think about it?
This kind of thinking means that if you've only been dating someone for six months, after three months you won't feel even a little upset. But if you've been with someone for, say, 10 years, you're going to experience five long years of pain and grief, multiple attempts to get back on your feet and move on with your life.
Alternative
There's another theory: According to research conducted by OnePoll, everyone will spend an average of 18 months of their lives dealing with the pain of separation from the people they love. Don't you think such a period is quite short? One of my friends shared that between the ages of 18 and 25 she experienced more than five breakups, and given that most often the initiator of the breakup was others, this was a shock to her. This is the psychology of our life.
When two people break up
The door closed, the person left, and our crippled and wounded prudence obsessively tells us that everything is in the past, and we need to learn to live on, but in the depths of a person’s soul, resentment still gnaws and hope hides and smolders somewhere inside.” or maybe...” Logic only “adds fuel to the fire”, unconsciously telling us a ruthless conclusion based on rapid emotions: “since I was abandoned, it means I don’t deserve love.” And such blind conviction gradually begins to poison our already pessimistic thinking, having the most negative impact on the development and course of relationships with new partners. That's all: the confidence has formed that the role of the inevitably abandoned and the fear of being rejected again will be assigned to you forever. No area of our life can be compared with this mental wound and nothing brings a person as much pain as love suffering. Only in a couple does a person settle scores with memories from childhood, copying anxieties from the past onto their partner. But only a person who is able to regain confidence in himself and other people can recover from the loss of a loved one and allow himself to be loved and desired again.
It is important! While in panic, a person may not realize that things can still be fixed. Sometimes a break is the best medicine for two. Immersion in temporary loneliness, evaluating it from a new perspective opens the way to something new, unknown and better.
Man cannot touch the future and the past. There is only the present, so don’t be tormented by soul-stirring memories and touching pleasant moments. Learning to kon is a kind of saving magic wand. Firstly, it distracts from sad thoughts that pull you to the bottom, and secondly, brain neurons receive an incentive to work fully, because as you know, stress and depression have a negative effect on brain cells. If you are unable to bear the slightest distance, being sure that they will not return to you, then this turns into a painful dependence and aggravates the possessive instinct.
Relevance
Relationship expert Susan Winter shares, “The time it takes to get over a breakup depends on several factors.” She continues: “What matters is how central your partner was in your life, whether you were serious about the relationship, whether any promises were made, and whether you needed him or her deeply.”
Winter continues, “If your partner touched your heart and you were the perfect match, it may take at least six months (or more) to grieve and regroup. It may take a whole year to forget this person.”
But one more detail cannot be ignored. Which one? If your relationship was official, now you need to file for divorce or child custody. What does this mean? You will have to endure the time it takes to go through this entire process, be in touch with your ex, and even sometimes on a regular basis. In such cases, separation can be even more difficult and lengthy. Winter points out, "Every time you need to see your ex all the time, it's like the clock resets, which makes the breakup even more painful."
How to forget a loved one: advice from a psychologist
In addition to systematically working on the situation, psychologists advise using effective measures that will help you distract yourself from your worries, albeit for a short period, but they will still replenish the “piggy bank” of time when your thoughts were not about your partner.
- Go on a trip, but certainly to a place where you have not been together. New impressions, interesting routes, unfamiliar places - all this will fill your life with positive emotions and help move your thoughts from a painful separation to a positive direction.
- Expand your circle of contacts . Let new people appear in your environment, who will now be familiar only to you, they will fill your life with their experiences and interests. You will see that the world continues to move.
Important
But you shouldn’t build a new relationship at the breakup stage. You will constantly compare your new partner with your loved one, and not necessarily in a favorable direction for him, and then you will subconsciously set yourself up for a break, or, even worse, in revenge you will forcibly build a relationship for yourself, thereby causing even more harm. moral torment. Live for some time in your new free status, devote all your attention to yourself. Believe me, there is a certain charm in this too. And only when you let go of the situation will you be ready for a new mature relationship.
- Find a new hobby . Dancing, fitness, music, rock climbing, hiking, handicrafts - all this requires time investment and improvement, which means you will definitely transfer some of your attention to them.
- Dedicate yourself to work . But you don’t need to completely immerse yourself in it. Just work on yourself like a professional. New career achievements will boost your self-esteem, and a salary increase in the form of a bonus will definitely not hurt you.
- You communicate with friends and family more often . Support won't hurt, just don't take it as pity. Trust me, they want the best for you. And sympathy can also be nice sometimes.
- Expand your horizons . Visit exhibitions, read, study languages, culture. All this will bring new interests into your life.
- Commit yourself to others . Try yourself as a volunteer, in charity. You will see that your situation is not so dire. And at the same time you will feel needed.
- Pamper and love yourself . Shopping trips, salons, entertainment events. You deserve it all. Positive emotions will not take long to arrive. Well, a new wardrobe won't hurt.
Various parts
When it comes to how to cope with a breakup with someone you loved deeply, nothing can be said with absolute certainty. Especially if you have placed all your hopes, dreams and plans on this person. In this case, the pain may not go away even after a long period of time. This means that the recovery process will be long and difficult.
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Susan Winter continues: “If your ex was a dominant figure in your life, his absence can feel like you've been stripped of everything you wanted and that brought you joy. It cannot simply be deleted or erased like a file or folder on a computer. This is life, feelings, love. It's especially difficult if you were dependent on him financially, emotionally or socially."
Psychotherapist Leslie Wish sums it up: “It's more than normal to feel sad after the loss of a relationship. It’s impossible to immediately continue living your life as if nothing happened.” What do those who have experienced painful breakups say? Let's find out.
Will a new relationship help?
When wondering how to quickly forget a man, many women cannot find a better answer than replacing a collapsed relationship with building new ones. Of course, there is nothing reprehensible in this, but it is still much more correct when new relationships arise out of mutual sympathy, and not out of your fear of being left alone. Everything here is individual: if you easily make acquaintances, quickly get close to people and turn men’s heads, then flirting and easy communication will benefit you. If you are an introvert by nature, then you should not pretend to be a cheerful laugher, this will take away your mental strength, which you now need to gather and strengthen as much as possible.
However, one should not go to the other extreme - withdraw into oneself. Communicate with people, meet men, but at the same time keep a distance that is comfortable for you.
Jenn (25 years old)
“It took me years (!) to move on from breaking up with my first boyfriend. I think it took so long because our relationship lasted quite a long time. Moreover, this was the first truly serious experience.
Although we broke up after a dating period of approximately eight months, we continued to meet and call each other for approximately two more years. It was easy for me to cope with this realization when he was not around, but the moment I saw his name on the phone screen or met him in person, I seemed to return to similar feelings and experiences. I ended up having to start the “grieving” process all over again.
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It's been about seven years since we first broke up, and about five years since we officially ended all kinds of relationships. Now, when he calls and his name appears on the phone screen, or when his face appears on my social media news feed, I don't have the same reaction as I did before. It took me about five years to completely stop feeling anything towards him. At the moment I don’t even think he’s attractive: maybe my taste has changed.”
How to let go of feelings for your ex-husband and not torment yourself after a breakup?
How to kill your feelings for your ex-husband if in the morning you don’t experience the joy and taste of life, which seems to never get better again. But this cannot go on forever. The feeling of depression and depression will go away on its own in a couple of weeks.
At this stage, tears and torment are considered a natural manifestation of a psychological state, but it is not worth prolonging its duration. It is important to learn to trust your emotions in space; every evening, being alone with yourself, you should try to cry out all the negativity and fill your soul with resources for a new day.
When your ex-husband leaves for another girl, you will inevitably be overcome by a feeling of hatred. But in such a situation, it is important to realize that not a single person is anyone’s property and when he leaves for a new relationship, you should not interfere with it in any way.
Therefore, personal attitude towards oneself is of great importance. You must remember that first of all you are a woman and you must behave with dignity every time. You shouldn’t look after someone else’s life, it’s important to look after yourself and if there is no one to give your love to, give it to yourself personally.
Victor (37 years old)
“I want to share my experience of overcoming bitter feelings. I was married to my high school sweetheart who once said something that really upset me. I cried for months, every day and almost all day. Yes, men also take breakups painfully. They also have feelings. But after we decided to get a divorce, within three days I stopped feeling any grief. It was as if I pulled myself together and said: “This is life, you can’t turn back time, and you can’t force a person to love you.” I'm 37 now and have been enjoying a wonderful relationship with another person for almost five years."
The main stages in order to forget your ex-husband
- Get rid of thoughts about him
Most likely, you attach only positive memories and blame only yourself for all negative moments, which is typical for many women. This is the main mistake after the divorce process. Better remember something bad on your husband’s part and relieve yourself of the burden of guilt, because in every divorce both parties are to blame.
2. Start a new life
This means the complete elimination of all kinds of negativity and a change in lifestyle. In such cases, psychologists recommend resorting to the fulfillment of your long-standing dream, precisely the one that was unattainable in the presence of your spouse.
For example, if you have long dreamed of visiting some exotic country, you should definitely go there. This change of scenery will quickly relieve you of depression.
3. Ask yourself how long ago you visited a beauty salon or gym?
Most likely, while taking care of your husband, you forgot about yourself. And now the time has come when you have the opportunity to spend all your money and time exclusively on yourself. Change your external image - this is a proven remedy against old stereotypes.
4. The path to new emotions
Buy a subscription to any courses or dances. The best thing to do is go to a driving school or go skydiving.
5. To forget your husband, reconsider your life
Most women do not even imagine that after a divorce they are given more opportunities than they had when married. You shouldn’t look for a new man from the first days. Feel like a real woman, let her take care of you. Relax, enjoy life and remember that suffering is not yours alone.
Amanda (31 years old)
“My longest relationship was five years. We lived together, and later he bought a house (which we chose together). We took care of him together and decorated him properly, but he deceived me and abandoned me. Moreover, he never wanted to get married.
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Six months later I found out that he had found someone else, married her, and they had a child. It took me probably two years to completely end the relationship and stop thinking about him. Especially the first year was incredibly difficult: I was full of emotions, I didn’t know what to do with myself, and I also felt a lack of intimate relationships. All this was difficult to overcome.
Perhaps you've felt something like this: you've met someone else, but you're still thinking about that person. Until you are finally happy in the new relationship you are in, you will not be able to move on and forget about the grief and unpleasant consequences of cheating and cheating. I'm so sorry that I wasted five years of my life on him. But in the end it led me to meeting my current partner!”
Results
Usually on the Internet they look for a magical way, an unusual method to quickly forget a loved one, find out the exact time frame for calming down, a formula for calculating the time of suffering that is needed to get rid of love addiction. In the end, either it all comes down to oblivion with antidepressants or with the help of endless alcoholic parties, or to changing partners. The pressure of unexperienced resentment then lasts for years, burdens new novels, and prevents you from being happy. And if you manage to meet the object of adoration, once again stir up old emotions, you only end up being rejected again.
Don’t deceive yourself, love addiction can and should be overcome. Share your stories in the comments, speak up and allow yourself to be happy.
Victoria (22 years old)
“I went through a shocking breakup on New Year's Eve two years ago. We dated for three years and I really thought we would get married. I dreamed about our wedding and children until one day my boyfriend turned into shit.
I was deeply depressed for a year. I didn't want to go out, and out of sheer desperation I started drinking too much. I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I even stopped texting my friends.
I even used the services of a psychotherapist and began going to therapy: I took our breakup so painfully. The first year was incredibly difficult, but I got through the second much easier. I began to devote time to sports training and resumed my communication with friends. Moreover, I was no longer obsessed with my ex's account. I stopped thinking about who he was talking to, whether he was thinking about me, whether he was seeing someone else. This was something I had to go through on my own.
Now I don't feel the need to check his account every second and don't want to see him at all. I can look back on our relationship as a learning experience. I'm no longer upset about what happened. I am sure that even if you experience the same feelings that I had before, you will cope and feel complete peace of mind.”
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Separation in childhood or why we don’t know how to part
Why does any separation send us back to our childhood years? The child's psyche is very vulnerable and subtly reacts to any neglect, inattention and indifference, echoing loudly in the future throughout the rest of life. Child abandonment syndrome can manifest itself “in all its glory” many years after the child has experienced and experienced a feeling of separation that he could not understand and accept. It is children's fears and sorrows that are most often negatively reflected in our subconscious and remain there forever. Simple and seemingly insignificant situations can form in a child the opinion that he has been abandoned, abandoned, or treated with disdain. So, one family was incomplete and the baby lacked the attention of his father, in another - the busy mother devoted all her strength to work, leaving her child without due attention, in the third - the pupils cared only about themselves and their own pleasures, and in the fourth - the culprit of psychological trauma the child could have a sister or brother. After all, all attention was now given to the youngest. The first pain of separation, the nagging feeling of loneliness, is the result of problems in the family.
Each of us has our own experience of separation, which we carefully hide and experience within ourselves, but not everyone experiences it to the same extent. If adults take part in children's fears and try to understand and dispel them, then this is good, but it also happens differently. Many parents, leaving their child alone with their experiences, intensify and perpetuate their anxiety. A traumatic episode of childhood can be forgotten, but the depressed feeling still remains with us for the rest of our lives.
