Mr. Green, the protagonist of Guy Ritchie's 2005 cult film Revolver, compared people to drug addicts who are addicted to recognition and approval. Each of us wants to demonstrate to the people around us what generous, smart, beautiful, good and funny individuals we are.
Many people are so dependent on other people’s opinions that they are ready to endure sweat, blood and tears, go to an unloved and uninteresting job, listen to boring speeches from a primitive boss who has never read a single worthwhile book in his life, communicate with envious and toxic friends, colleagues, neighbors and relatives, if only they were noticed, accepted into their flock and told that they were doing everything right.
We are ready to do everything possible and impossible, if only other people would pat us on the shoulder and reward us with another medal, certificate or verbal praise. We sleep and dream that a stranger, who has no idea how and what we live, will approve of our actions and nod his head in agreement.
Dependence on other people's opinions makes us look like monkeys who put on suits, decorated themselves with various kinds of accessories, but did not understand that the recognition and approval of other people does not change the quality of their own life at all, and if it does change, then only for the worse.
It is not only possible, but also necessary to fight against dependence on other people’s opinions, otherwise our whole life will turn into a constant, but completely meaningless competition with our own essence. Instead of living their lives, enjoying every moment of it and going their own way, people dependent on other people's opinions constantly think about whether other representatives of the human race will approve of their actions.
How to stop depending on other people's opinions? We bring to your attention the most effective and popular practical advice, thanks to which you can forget about being dependent on other people’s opinions.
Tip #1. Focus your attention on the current moment in time
To overcome dependence on other people's opinions and stop constantly thinking about what this or that person thinks about you, learn to focus your attention on the current moment in time. Focus on the event that is happening here and now. It is the current moment in time that can rightfully be called the most important event in your life, because the whole life of any person consists of the moments that he lives in the present. The past cannot be returned, no matter how much we want it, and the future is just an illusion and a fantasy that may or may not come true.
If you learn to focus your attention on the current moment of your life and think more about yourself and your affairs, then you will have virtually no time left to worry about whether other people approve of your lifestyle.
Quote for inspiration from Napoleon Hill:
Start small.
Taking and turning everything over at once is useless. Try to take the first hesitant steps carefully. It's like you're learning to walk again. Don't be in a hurry to burn bridges.
First, buy yourself a new thing. Let it be brighter than you are used to. Get a new hairstyle or change your perfume scent. Go somewhere new. Join a dance group.
Start enjoying the decisions you make. The results will please you. Every day, discovering new thoughts for yourself, allowing yourself joy, you will gradually free yourself from the reproaches of your inner critic and stop depending on the opinions of others.
Tip #2. Be aware of the fact that people around you prefer to think only about themselves
Almost all people with a healthy psyche think only about themselves, their affairs, problems, worries, joys and failures. Each of us lives in our own world and moves at our own pace, and most individuals simply do not have time to think about the people around them.
If you doubt the veracity of this statement, then simply analyze your normal day. How much time do you spend evaluating this or that person and forming an opinion about him? Do you give up sleep, rest, pleasant time with family and friends just to think about the actions or deeds of some individual? If any thoughts arise in your head about another person, then most often this happens completely spontaneously. Such thoughts appear involuntarily in the head and disappear almost immediately.
So the people around us are busy with their current affairs. Most of them have neither the time nor the inclination to evaluate the thoughts, actions, feelings and deeds of their fellow humans. Those people who spend their lives discussing other people cannot be called mentally healthy, spiritually developed and full-fledged individuals. What difference does it make to you what an inferior person thinks about you (if he thinks!)?
Quote for inspiration from Arthur Bloch:
Afterword
A dependent person does not know himself. In this, adults but dependent people are similar to preschoolers. Those who have not yet developed self-esteem, they draw conclusions about themselves based on the assessments and judgments of others. So you still look at the words of others as your mirror reflection.
It's time to grow up. To do this, you need to do a lot of self-knowledge. Study your temperament, character, abilities. Make it a rule to analyze whose judgments control you: personal or familiar people. Work on your personal boundaries.
To work through psychological trauma and eliminate post-traumatic syndrome, I recommend contacting a psychotherapist.
Tip #3. Be the person you have always dreamed of being!
Do they judge other people by themselves? Some psychologists insist that this statement is true, while others insist that it is a blatant lie and a shameless provocation, but everyone agrees that someone else’s opinion of a person is very rarely based on his own real beliefs and actions. The fact is that every person you know has a certain opinion about you, which does not always correspond to the real state of affairs.
All your dentist knows about you is that you are a patient and polite patient who always refuses anesthesia and endures the worst toothaches. The hairdresser, to whom you once made an appointment for a haircut and were dissatisfied with his work, will think that you are a capricious and eccentric client with unruly hair and a terrible character.
Each of the people you know knows you only from a certain side. Your nearest and dearest people will not be able to fully understand you, since each of us has our own special qualities, which, like the dark side of the Moon, no one will ever see. That is why only you know exactly who you really are and what set of positive and negative characteristics you possess.
Develop your strengths and constructive sides, fight against weak and destructive qualities, always, regardless of other people's approval or censure, act as you want, and simply become the person you have always wanted and dreamed of being!
Quote for inspiration from Pythagoras:
How to recognize your addiction
It is not difficult to detect the presence of an addiction. Examples of such a problem can be various cases from life. You should sound the alarm if:
- You refuse to buy something just because someone around you criticized it.
- You refuse to go to the cinema because one of their friends or relatives shared their negative opinion about the film they watched.
- You only buy things that others like, but not you.
There are many ways in which addiction can manifest itself, and it can be of a different nature. Often, those who are afraid are unable to defeat the enemy within themselves. Their life can become unhappy and even tragic.
Such addiction destroys the personality, so it is important to identify it in a timely manner and get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Buying things only after the approval of others is a symptom of addiction
Tip #4. Understand that you can't please everyone
Each person has his own internal philosophy, his own principles, beliefs and outlook on life. Therefore, it is simply impossible to please everyone without exception. Some will admire your way of life, while others will be disgusted.
If you arouse antipathy in someone, then you should not take it personally, because there have been cases in your life when some complete stranger aroused negative feelings in you. There is no need to worry about this, get upset, constantly replay the same situation in your head and think about what you need to correct in yourself in order to earn the approval of this person.
Don't waste your precious time trying to live up to other people's expectations. Live your life in a way that makes you comfortable, and allow other people to follow their own path.
Don’t forget that other people’s opinions should be viewed through the prism of dynamics, not statics. At any moment, this opinion can change in the most dramatic way. Many people give up their initial judgments very easily. And if yesterday your action evoked admiration and approval from someone, today approval can turn into censure. Therefore, it does not matter what other people think about you, because it does not affect your life in any way.
Quote for inspiration from Mikhail Litvak:
Dependence on other people's opinions - what does it look like and manifest itself?
It is the passion for the approval of others that pushes us to:
- We push forward our desire to do what we love. Instead, we go to study where “mom told us.”
- We wear uncomfortable, unsuitable clothes for US, just to conform to the trends of fashion.
- Over time, we simply stop hearing ourselves and our desires. We are so used to relying on the opinions of others and their approval/disapproval.
- We do our best to publish photos of ourselves, restored and retouched and deliriously happy, which we are not.
- We go for plastic surgery, cut noses and bodies.
- We nag and abuse our children so that they, too, conform to the “ideals.” And for what? Yes, so that others would approve of us: “Look what a good child he turned out to be.” Rich, successful, handsome."
But all this has consequences. We pay for the approval of others with ourselves. With my life. Your sense of right to life.
Tip #5. Pay attention only to constructive criticism
Sometimes it is impossible to make the right decision without an outside perspective. In such cases, someone else's opinion may have some meaning for you, but only when it is adequate and constructive.
Listen only to the opinions of loved ones and loved ones whom you can completely trust. If you know for sure that this or that person wishes only the best for you and sincerely rejoices at your successes, then you can listen to his opinion.
Don't forget that another person's opinion is just his point of view, and not the ultimate truth. Listen carefully to and thank someone you trust for constructive criticism, but don't rush into a decision. Each person is independently responsible for all his thoughts, feelings, actions and deeds. Take this into account when making your choice.
Someone else's constructive opinion is very good, but only you have the right to decide how to act in a given situation. Therefore, always remember your goals, desires, preferences and individual characteristics. If a person hates oranges because he is allergic to them, then this is not a reason to refuse to eat these healthy and tasty fruits for those people who do not have any allergic reactions to citrus fruits!
Quote for inspiration from Albert Einstein:
Why do you depend on the opinions of others?
Photo by Yan Krukov: Pexels
The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle argued that “man is a social animal,” that is, by nature he tends to unite with others. No matter how many centuries have passed, primitive habits still have force. The need to listen to the opinions of others is inherent in genes and dates back to the Stone Age, when survival was possible only in a group.
Everything was very simple: if you listen to the leader, then you will sleep well and in a cave, if you don’t listen, look for yourself on the menu of a saber-toothed tiger. Those whose opinions did not coincide with the majority could easily remain outside the community, which was guaranteed to lead to death.
Emotions and fears are reactions that the brain has developed over thousands of years to adapt to the environment. The loincloths had to be abandoned, but the basics of evolutionary psychology remained. People are still afraid of becoming pariahs and falling out of social life. Maslow's pyramid clearly shows that the need for recognition and respect is higher than basic desires and is very important for a comfortable existence.
Tip #6. Analyze your personality
To improve your life and remove dependence on other people’s opinions from it, you need to analyze your own personality. This analysis must be conscious, adequate and objective. Under no circumstances do you carry out an analysis just to punish yourself once again and prove to yourself that you are an insignificant and worthless gray mouse.
Take the position of an outside observer and try to “catch” those obsessive feelings and thoughts that you fall victim to again and again. Pull these thoughts and feelings out of your subconscious and break them down into atoms until they no longer negatively affect you and turn your daily existence into sheer torture!
From early childhood, adults convinced us that good boys and girls should not be angry, angry, irritated or anxious, because some strange aunt or some equally strange uncle might not like it. To prevent these strange adults from being offended by us and thinking badly of us, we must constantly smile and do everything possible to please the people around us.
Comfortable, pliable (plasticine is a stone compared to them!) and dependent on the opinions of others, boys and girls grew up and became adult men and women who still believe that only terrible, disgusting, spoiled people can experience negative feelings and emotions and monsters undeserving of love and respect. And although many people understand that children's attitudes have nothing to do with the reality around them, they continue to believe that public opinion significantly influences their own lives.
But will the Sun stop shining if your lifestyle does not evoke any positive emotions in your neighbor? Will humanity cease to exist if you do what you want, and not your friend? Someone else's opinion is just another person's opinion. Do you have anything to do with this opinion? No way!
Quote for inspiration from Neil Donald Walsh:
Tip #7. Start getting rid of the fears that prevent you from being yourself
Many individuals who depend on the opinions of others understand and realize perfectly well that the thoughts of other people have nothing to do with them. But they cannot feel like free, happy and self-sufficient people, since they are hindered by certain fears.
Sometimes it can be very scary to change your usual way of thinking, try something new and do things that you would never do before. If you are used to living the way you live, are used to listening to the opinions of everyone around you, are used to not paying attention to your needs, are used to thinking that you are worse than others, then getting rid of all these habits is quite difficult.
There are many different ways to get rid of fears, so anyone can use the trial and error method to find their ideal option. Start practicing asceticism, create your own wish map, find time to meditate, try saying affirmations every day, read the right books, watch the right movies, etc. Sooner or later, you will definitely find your own method and gain the opportunity to not only overcome your dependence on other people’s opinions, but also be able to clear your mind of information junk and find peace of mind!
Quote for inspiration from Coco Chanel:
Tip #8. Objectively evaluate people who express their opinions about you
If you want to forget about what it is to depend on other people’s opinions, then you need to learn to objectively and adequately evaluate those people who express their opinions about you. How to do it? Now we'll tell you!
If, for example, you met a neighbor on the landing whose shape is far from ideal, and she casually told you that it would not hurt you to lose a few extra pounds, then you do not need to be upset and immediately run to the refrigerator to throw it out. all high-calorie foods. Turn off your emotions, take the position of an outside observer and objectively evaluate your neighbor.
Can an overweight woman give you this kind of advice? Is there any point in listening to the opinions of those people who are not role models? It often happens that toxic people who express their opinions about you are simply jealous of you, want to ruin your mood, lower your self-esteem, etc.
If a person has achieved success in one area or another and advises you something in a polite manner, then you can listen to such advice. If a person who has not achieved anything in life is trying to impose his opinion on you, then why should you listen to him?
Why do you care what your neighbor thinks of you? Let her first put her body in order and, through her example, prove to herself and those around her that her advice has a right to exist. If people were more concerned with themselves and their own affairs, then they simply would not have time to discuss and judge other people.
Quote for inspiration from Cristiano Ronaldo:
How to get rid of anxiety about other people's opinions
To stop depending on the assessments of others, psychologists recommend taking the following actions.
Listen to your feelings more often and try to do only what you really want.
Stop criticizing others. As they say, do not judge and you will not be judged. Without discussing others, you have the right to demand the same attitude towards yourself.
Stop beating yourself up and thinking about things you don’t know for sure
You don’t know how to read other people’s thoughts, which means you shouldn’t get too caught up in this.
Work on increasing self-esteem and training determination.
Praise yourself whenever you managed to defend your opinion and did not follow the example of the majority.
Tip #9. Spend less time on social networks
Before the advent of social networks, people took photographs for only one purpose: to preserve the memory of a fun trip, an important event, a long-awaited meeting, etc. Photos dear to the heart were printed out and stored in albums, which were shown only to close and dear people.
Nowadays, most people take pictures only to post the next photo on a social network and collect as many likes as possible. Comments and ratings from complete strangers, many of whom the user who posted the photo is not familiar with, become the criteria by which the level of success is measured in the modern world.
In order for other users to rate your photos highly and leave pleasant comments, you need to constantly post new photos, otherwise people will think that your life is not bright, interesting and exciting enough. That is why individuals who depend on other people’s opinions and likes constantly take new photos and regularly post them on social networks. And to make these photos interesting, attractive and arousing delight and envy among other people, active users of social networks have to constantly visit new places, buy branded clothes, hang out in nightclubs, meet boring and uninteresting acquaintances, etc.
If you want to overcome addiction to other people's opinions, you need to spend less time on social networks. Ideally, you should give up using social networks at least for a while, because living for show and the meaningless pursuit of likes, comments and subscribers takes a lot of vital energy and does not allow you to rest and relax.
Quote for inspiration from Pierre Boiste:
