How to stop hating a person: advice from a psychologist

November 28, 2019
Psychology of relationships
Angelica Braldi

How to stop hating a person who has hurt, betrayed, humiliated, offended? Do you need to fight this feeling? Many people ask similar questions, but not everyone actually feels hatred. As a rule, people use this word to describe many other negative emotions that overwhelm their consciousness.

To dislike someone, to feel hostility, to be angry, to be angry is not the same as to experience hatred. Accordingly, you need to understand your emotions and only after that think about how to stop hating a person. Psychology gives a clear and unambiguous definition of hatred. This is where you should start fighting this feeling.

Why does hatred appear?

The reasons for the appearance of this feeling are a mystery to psychologists. Of course, if a person experiences such an emotion in relation to someone specific who has offended him or caused him pain, who has prevented him from achieving his goals, then the origins of hatred are obvious. There are no ambiguities when this feeling arises in relation to duties, events or phenomena that are unpleasant to a person, but he is forced to come into contact with them.

But what about hatred for something that people have never directly encountered in their lives? Where does the categorical rejection of other cultures, foreign traditions or habits come from? Psychologists cannot answer these questions unambiguously.

Thus, this feeling can appear both as a consequence of the conflict, that is, for obvious and objective reasons, and in the form of an irrational emotion provoked by fears, lack of information, propaganda, cultural traditions of society, features of historical development and much more. For example, if a family holds certain views on something, then the child “absorbs” them from infancy.

Growing desire

Limiting primary desires merely redirected these drives, but did not make them disappear. Sublimated into socially useful activities, these desires contributed to the evolutionary development of the human psyche.

Once out of balance, a desire does not stop growing: even when sublimated, it continues to grow and each time demand even more fulfillment. At the same time, a person does not always have enough strength and living conditions to learn to sublimate his desires. But internal and external restrictions do not allow them to be implemented directly. As a result, there is an accumulation of unfulfilled desires, which begin to weigh heavily. Freud called this state frustration. A person experiences dissatisfaction, which is not realized, but ultimately results in aggression towards other people, and in some cases - towards the whole world.

The danger that threatens the preservation of the human species, as Jung said, comes primarily from man himself:

How to cope with this feeling towards a specific person?

How can you stop hating a person whose very appearance makes you want to do him harm? It is especially difficult to cope with yourself in situations where you have to deal with an object of hostility and disgust every day.

Typically, in such circumstances, the following are of paramount importance:

the ability to cope with your feelings, not show them and reduce the intensity of emotions;
interaction with the object of hatred;
conflict resolution.

The ability to cope with your feelings is not at all getting rid of them. This should be understood and the fight against hatred should not stop at acquiring the skill of hiding and suppressing it. A destructive emotion, artificially driven into the farthest corner of consciousness, will not disappear anywhere. It will constantly “undermine” a person, just like water stones, and will influence all his decisions and actions, even if he himself does not realize it.

For example, a woman who hates her ex-husband or boyfriend will intuitively avoid places where she might encounter him, or, conversely, only visit them. At the same time, her choice of stores, entertainment venues or events is influenced only by hatred, and not by rational arguments. That is, destructive emotion limits possibilities.

Accordingly, hatred must be completely eliminated. But you definitely need to start this difficult process by gaining control over your feelings.

A secondary constraint on hostility is culture.

When, in the process of evolution, direct cannibalism was abolished (the unconscious once again reduced the increased collective desires for sex and murder, already weakly restrained by primary prohibitions), a secondary restriction arose associated with the abolition of the sacrifice of a weak member of the pack. This ensured his survival and development, and gave humanity a culture, thanks to which not only great works of art subsequently appeared, but also humanism, which proclaimed human (hereinafter - any) life as the highest value.

Culture offered an alternative to animal venting of hatred through sacrifice. She ensured the removal of hostility in society through empathy and compassion. We began to be guided by the concept of “morality”. Thanks to the feeling of a neighbor, an educated person has learned to respond emotionally to the experiences of other people. Secondary ones appeared - cultural prohibitions on human hostility. It is difficult to overestimate in this sense the importance of Christianity - the locomotive of culture, which for two thousand years has been restraining our innate animal hatred through the cultivation of love for one's neighbor.

But at this stage of development, culture has practically exhausted its capabilities. The process of growth of our desires, once out of balance, does not stop for a second. Nowadays, their volume is so great that cultural prohibitions are no longer able to contain them. Increased desires require more fulfillment, which they do not receive. At the same time, the depth of our frustrations, the volume and strength of accumulated hatred also increases. Today we will not only be irritated in response to rudeness, the degree of our hostility can jump to fierce hatred. And it’s not far from direct destruction.

Modern humanity has not yet learned to adequately realize increased desires, and by acting directly, animal manifestations are capable of sweeping away all the accumulated primary and cultural restrictions: cannibal people are capable of eating each other both figuratively and literally.

How to cope with surging emotions?

It's very difficult to stop hating. How to cope with attacks of anger during which you literally take your breath away? After all, it is not always possible to simply let off steam or throw out your feelings directly on the object of hatred.

The following will help reduce the intensity of negative experiences and curb them:

distraction from thoughts, switching attention;
creativity, because hatred can be expressed in drawing, in music;
sports: running or boxing, a person splashes out his anger;
deep breathing, counting to yourself to 10 and exhaling forcefully during a sudden attack of anger;
writing stories or keeping a diary, which describes in detail the sensations experienced and their reasons;
frank conversation with a loved one;
seeking help when possible.

It is difficult to predict what exactly will help curb hatred. This is largely determined by who exactly the person experiences strong negativity towards. If the object of hostility is a work colleague, then it makes sense to seek help from your superiors and achieve a division in the schedule or a transfer to another room.

But what about those who hate their own family members? The best options in such a situation would be sports, painting or music. If we are talking about hatred between brothers or sisters, then if you have a normal relationship with your parents, you can turn to them for help.

You need to understand that taking control of your negative emotions is an extremely difficult task. There are no universal ways to stop hating. What helped one person will be useless to another. Sometimes it is possible to cope with negative feelings only with help from a psychologist.

How to communicate and interact with a hated person?

The most difficult thing in the fight against hatred is the need to cope with the feeling in conditions of forced interaction with its object.

What to do in such a situation? Psychologists advise the following:

limit communication with the hated person as much as possible;
control your feelings, in case of an “acute attack”, apologize and leave the room, leave an event or meeting;
ignore all attacks directed at you, no matter how difficult it may be, do not give a reason for them;
do not incite or pick on the object of your hostility, do not provoke conflicts;
set boundaries of interaction and never violate them.

If the person towards whom you feel acute hostility has not earned it in any specific way, then you can quite easily try to get rid of your own hatred by starting to communicate closely with him. In what situations is this appropriate? When there is hatred that does not have clear and objective reasons, for example, in the presence of racial prejudice, rejection of a culture or way of life that differs from one’s own. However, before you try to get to know a person better, you need to understand whether you can control your own hatred.

How to resolve the conflict?

If a certain situation serves as a reason for hostility towards a particular person, then it should be resolved in order to stop hating. How to do it? Unfortunately, there is no single, universal pattern of behavior that can be used to get out of a conflict situation. Each conflict is resolved in its own way, taking into account the peculiarities of its occurrence, the interests and desires of the warring parties, as well as the circumstances surrounding the escalation of the situation.

The following helps resolve conflicts and, accordingly, get rid of hatred:

searching for a solution to an existing problem;
recognition of the character traits of another person;
identifying and eliminating the true cause of hostility;
understanding the actions of the object of anger and the motives that motivate them;
focusing on finding common ground rather than seeking sympathy;
frank discussion of the situation in a calm and constructive manner;
assistance from third parties, mediation of people respected by both warring parties;
the ability to admit one’s own shortcomings, mistakes and mistakes;
willingness to apologize if there is guilt.

When trying to end the conflict and get rid of the feeling of hatred that destroys the psyche, there is no need to strive for friendship with an unpleasant person or try to begin to sympathize with him. You shouldn't rush from one extreme to the other.

How to get rid of hatred towards your family members?

How to stop hating your husband, brother or sister, parents? It is difficult to talk openly about such feelings even with close friends, not to mention trusting psychotherapists who know nothing about the situation in the family.

First, you need to stop blaming yourself for the emotions you experience. You need to abstract yourself from feelings and try to understand what exactly caused them. As a rule, the reasons for hatred that suddenly arises after many years of living together are negative emotions accumulated in the soul, such as:

grievances;
disappointments;
irritation caused by everyday habits.

Often the reason for hostility towards a once loved one is a difference in personal development. The loss of common interests, differences in views on life, and a change in priorities by one of the spouses also plays an important role.

If the whole point is an accumulated heap of negativity, then resolving the situation is very simple. There is no need to rush at your spouse with accusations and hysterical screams; you should calmly explain to him that your patience has run out. It is quite possible that the spouse had no idea that some of his habits or actions were causing negative reactions. If for some reason a frank constructive conversation is impossible, you should turn the solution to the problem into a playful game. For example, if your husband does not close the tube of toothpaste, you should leave a new note above him every evening with a reminder and a comic prize for completing the task.

The main thing in the fight against intra-family hatred is to contain negativity, adequacy and respect for your partner. We must not forget that a spouse may not have the brightest feelings about something. Accordingly, you need to be prepared to respond to criticism and to find a compromise.

How to stop hating everyone? Sometimes it happens that disgust arises in relation to all relatives and friends. In such a situation, it is worth looking for the reasons for anger and malice not in them, but in yourself. It is possible that the person is too tired or needs solitude. You can’t fix everyone around you, so it’s worth going on vacation or a weekend to have a good rest and recharge yourself with positivity. The fulfillment of simple desires, which are always put off, also helps to cope with irritation.

However, you should understand that not everything can be fixed. Sometimes hatred is quite natural and is caused by violence, both physical and psychological, from one of the family members. If this is the situation, you should not fight your feelings, but seek professional help. Of course, it is necessary to end family relationships.

Hatred

Evil that we can neither overcome nor avoid, we hate.

Thomas Hobbes

When anger cannot break out and manifest itself in the form of open aggression, it turns into hatred and makes people experience various negative feelings mainly within themselves. You can hate many people for many reasons, and in the same way, many people can hate each of us, for one reason or another. We often block each other's path when we move towards our goals and thus create the preconditions for hatred. And then, some people may hate someone just out of envy, and not because something bad was done to them. So there are always enough reasons and you never know who might hate you and who you might hate at one point or another in your life. But despite the widespread nature of this rather strong feeling, and the many reasons for its occurrence, it cannot be ignored. You need to work with this feeling so that it does not take away your strength, does not exhaust you if you experience it, and does not create unnecessary enemies for you who have this feeling for you. In this article, we will talk about solving the problems that our or other people’s hatred can create for us, and we will also look in more detail at the reasons for its occurrence.

What is hatred

Hatred is latent aggression, that is, hidden to a large extent, which arises from a person’s anger towards someone he would like to harm, but cannot, mainly due to fear. Therefore, he experiences hostility and disgust towards the object of his hatred, but does not enter into open conflict with him. We can also say that this is a negative feeling that is a forced alternative to open hostility and aggression. To hate means to wish someone harm, in one form or another, but not have the opportunity to do it. You don’t like a person, no matter what the reason, but you can’t do anything to him, but you want to. And since it is not in your power to show aggression towards him, this aggression remains inside you, and you begin to quarrel with this person more in your imagination than in real life. Of course, this enmity is accompanied by stress, deprives a person of strength, forces him to think too much about who he hates, instead of spending more time and energy on things that are more useful to him. Therefore, hatred in this sense is a burdensome feeling, which is undesirable to experience unless absolutely necessary.

Why does hatred arise?

As we already know, in cases where people’s aggression cannot manifest itself, when their anger remains inside them, it turns into hatred. This is a superficial reason, common to different situations. More profound are other reasons related to our ability to interact with the people around us. This ability is developed differently in everyone; some of us are excellent at making enemies for ourselves, while others are good at making friends. People who are too conflicted will more often create conditions both for their own hatred of someone and for someone else’s hatred of themselves. But diplomatic people, I don’t say peace-loving, but diplomatic people, accordingly, will not create such conditions, or they will create them in much smaller quantities, in special, so to speak, cases. For hatred, some kind of conflict is needed, either external, when people butt heads in some matters, or internal, when a person cannot come to terms with the actions, position, achievements, views and beliefs of other people. When people do not know how to get along with each other, they will quarrel and hate each other. Or the same envy is precisely an internal conflict that causes hatred towards the one who is envied, because the envious person is not able to accept someone’s success, since he sees in it a certain damage for himself.

Hatred appears where there is some kind of confrontation between people, some kind of struggle. And it is present in many ways, because we are by nature aimed at struggle and competition. The world in general is structured in such a way that some people in it live at the expense of others, and this law of life alone gives rise to a lot of situations when someone feels deprived, insulted, offended, used, and so on, and sees the cause of these problems of theirs precisely in other people. And this is often a reasonable opinion. There are always winners and losers in this life. Of course, those who are losers or feel like losers often cannot come to terms with the fact that someone has surpassed them, outplayed them, defeated them, suppressed them, or used them. It makes them angry. And then there is a pattern already known to us, according to which, not being able to influence other people, to do something with them in revenge, because they are stronger, a person begins to hate them, experiencing hidden hostile feelings towards them.

From the above, we can conclude that a person’s limitations in the ways of achieving his goals and his inability to negotiate or, if necessary, more competently fight with other people leads him to a feeling of hatred, as the only feeling available to him, alternative to his open anger and aggression. After all, even if you have every reason to hate someone, you don’t have to do it at all; you can instead look for opportunities to either somehow outplay this person, defeat him, or somehow come to an agreement with him. Hatred is, in fact, a dead end, because it cuts off all these additional opportunities. Because of it, a person does not seek solutions to his problems with people; he prefers to be at enmity with them within himself. Thus, another reason people hate each other is their narrow-mindedness.

Another feeling of hatred can be a consequence of a person’s strong dissatisfaction with himself. This is a deeper reason that is not always obvious. Being unprepared for life, for its harsh laws, for the rules that exist in human society, a person does not get what he wants and needs, he is too weak to manage even his own life, not to mention the ability to influence others of people. But since admitting this is difficult and even dangerous, such thoughts can lead to severe depression, the person’s ego protects him from them, making him think that other people are so bad, evil, wrong, that the world is unfair to him, that’s why he has everything so bad. Such a person will hate many people because he is dissatisfied with himself and his life, but he cannot hate himself, because the ego does not allow him to do this, as a result, hatred spreads to others. In the most severe cases, such people turn into chronic haters who are so offended by life and so consider themselves weak and helpless [but do not admit this to themselves] that they hate almost everyone. They are furious with their own helplessness, blaming the people around them for their problems. So, hatred in this case, as strange as it may sound, saves a person’s personality, thanks to the ego, allowing him to appreciate and respect himself for the fact that he has not come to terms with his fate as a victim and has not even admitted his weakness and unsuitability for this life, but instead fights within himself with his many enemies, who, in his opinion, are to blame for all his failures. Another thing is that there is no sense in such hatred, but the psyche endures such a struggle more easily than the bitter truth about its own weakness.

Hatred can also arise from misunderstandings between people when they misinterpret each other's words and actions. Because of this, they may see hostility and aggression in things where there really isn't any. This is one of the most common reasons why people hate each other. The problem is further aggravated by the fact that sometimes not understanding each other, people do not even try to do this, since they do not even allow for the possibility that they might misunderstand someone. They believe in jumping to conclusions about other people's actions that arouse negative feelings in them and then give in to those feelings, which ultimately lead them to hate.

I'll say even more. Not understanding someone and therefore writing him down as an enemy, especially when you are initially negatively disposed towards a person for one reason or another, is always easier than trying to understand him. Because in one case, it’s enough just to give in to your feelings and let them rage inside you, and in the other, you need to strain your brains and think about what you see and hear. Understanding is a job that is not easy to do, but hatred is an easy path that anyone can take. But if you help a person understand everything, to understand the one he hates, then in this way you can weaken his feeling of hatred or completely dissolve it in common sense.

One cannot help but mention egoism, because of which people can cause harm to each other and thus create grounds for hatred. Selfish people, taking advantage of the opportunities that arise to them, begin to do too many things only for themselves, while depriving others of many things. But in this world you can’t do that if you don’t want to make enemies for yourself. Everyone wants to live as well as possible, so reasonable people take into account the interests of others, for their own sake, first of all, for the sake of their peace and comfort. Egoists whose egoism is unreasonable are too short-sighted; they row for themselves without thinking about the consequences. Well, take, for example, a person who has power, and therefore strength, which he can use to satisfy his needs and desires, without regard for other people. And they, these other people, suffer, are angry with such a person, but are afraid to speak out against him, so their anger, as mentioned above, remains inside them and becomes hatred. It would seem, what problems does someone have who is so hated by others, but cannot do anything to him? Well, a person is angry with you, wishes you harm, and okay, anyway, he is afraid to do something to you, because he is weaker than you. This means you can ignore his anger and hatred. No, it is not advisable to do this. Not everything is so simple in this world and ignoring other people’s self-hatred is a dangerous thing. You never know whose help, support or whose neutrality in some conflicts you may need in the future, but you will never get it if the person hates you. He will be glad to have the opportunity to harm you in some way because of his negative feelings, including by siding with your stronger enemy.

Deeper grievances and traumas, and therefore often unconscious by people, are another reason why people hate each other. Moreover, they often hate those who absolutely do not deserve such an attitude towards themselves. For example, in childhood a person was offended, humiliated, insulted, suppressed by his parents and because of this he grew up offended and embittered, and therefore he perceives any imaginary disrespect for himself, any careless actions on the part of other people as hostile and thus creates the ground for hatred. Such a person may hate his wife or husband not because she or he did something bad to him that deserves hatred, but because in childhood this person was often offended and all these insults, all the anger associated with them, objectively hinders him perceive reality. Here there is a transfer of old grievances to new people, on whom a person wants [usually because he can] throw out the aggression that has accumulated in him. But in the absence of the opportunity to do this, people may be stronger than him or he may be highly dependent on them; he, as we already know, shows aggression in the form of hatred, that is, within himself. And how much of all kinds of negativity accumulates in a person throughout life, without having the opportunity to either splash out or properly think about it, so as not to poison his soul and not cause unjustified or inappropriate aggression towards the people around him? So many. Psychologists constantly encounter such accumulated negativity in their work with people. Very often, such negativity originates at work, where a person can experience severe stress due to the attitude towards him from his superiors, who squeeze all the juice out of him for their own benefit. And the person then brings this negativity home, splashes it out on his family there, then from home the negativity further spreads to relatives, friends, casual acquaintances, and so on. This is how anger is passed from person to person and turns into someone’s hatred. Initially, such evil can appear in one place, at the same job, where a boss exploits a subordinate, and hatred then arises in another place, for example, in a child towards his father, who came home from work angry and took it out on him. The child cannot answer because he is weaker and because he depends on his father, so he begins to hate him, showing aggression towards the father within himself.

Hatred, like a sleeping volcano, lies dormant in a person until the time comes for it to break out in the form of open aggression towards the one he hates. And the trigger can be the weakening of the object of hatred or the acquisition of strength by the person who experiences this feeling, thanks to which he has the opportunity to make hidden aggression open. So, in particular, people take revenge on each other when, having gained strength, they get the opportunity to recall old grievances to the offender.

Separately, I would like to say about the hatred that arises in relationships between partners. This is the problem that we, psychologists, have to face most often. Men and women and women and men quite often live like cats and dogs. This is not abnormal unless their bickering turns into a very violent confrontation with each other, with a desire to cause serious harm to their partner. Because quarrels in the family are more likely an indicator that healthy, natural relationships prevail in it, which need a shake-up from time to time, and not an indicator that not everything is in order in this family. But hatred can accumulate for years. Often partners and spouses cannot come to an agreement with each other and this leads to enmity between them, which can also be of a latent [hidden] nature and cultivate hatred towards each other in their hearts, or it can be the hatred of one partner who considers himself especially disadvantaged towards another who occupies a stronger position in the relationship. That is, the weakness of one of the partners makes him feel hatred towards the person for whom he cannot do anything, so he is forced to endure him.

What is the most important thing about this problem? The most important thing, in my opinion, is a primitive approach to relationships, when people consider each other only if some force forces them to do so, and not because they respect each other. For example, the need for another person forces his partner to reckon with him. Instead of doing this out of love and respect for him, or at least out of a desire to have a stable, comfortable relationship. That is, the basis of such problems with hatred in relationships is a consumer or exploitative approach to them, and not the desire to enjoy the relationship and cooperate on an equal footing with your partner. Therefore, only fear forces people to reckon with each other. Roughly speaking, a man is afraid of losing a woman or a woman is afraid of losing a man, and only because of this does not allow himself to do too much in a relationship, that is, he does not become impudent. And in this case, partners consider each other, thinking about what they can lose if they lose each other or if one person loses the other because of their selfishness and greed. That's the problem. Initially, relationships are built on an aggressive and selfish basis, when a person thinks too much about himself and too little about the other. I, me, mine, I want, but what the partner needs is not important, he is silent, which means everything is fine, you don’t have to think about him at all. Well, how can deep-seated resentment and anger not arise when someone considers himself deprived? In essence, people strive to parasitize each other and, in order to do so, enter into relationships in which they do not really want to invest, they only want to receive something from them. They don’t have such a thing that it’s just good, comfortable, interesting with a person and for this there is respect for him, which in turn does not allow you to do something only for your own sake and to the detriment of him. And when people, as exploiters, are only looking for an opportunity to make themselves better at the expense of another, in particular at the expense of a partner, they only understand and recognize power. And only she can stop them from being too impudent. And this strength is mainly the loss of a partner, so in many respects the more compliant partner is the one who needs this relationship most. But this compliance may be accompanied by strong hatred for the other person, whom he does not want to lose, but nothing can oppose his selfishness to force him to take his interests into account.

In this way, people develop, accumulate, and transform in different ways grievances against their partner. Sometimes they lash out at him, telling him everything they think about him, and if this is impossible, then these grievances turn into hatred towards the person and this hidden aggression can also one day break out in the form of decisive and/or very aggressive actions. That is, this can lead to violence by one person against another, in this case, a partner, or to the fact that someone leaves someone. Moreover, the last straw that overflows a person’s cup of patience can be some insignificant little thing, for example, some offensive word from a partner or some minor offense of his, which, with all the desire, cannot be blown out of proportion, but combined with the already existing huge mass of all kinds of grievances , intertwined with each other and due to negative experiences creating new grievances, this little thing can play a decisive role in the fate of the relationship. And only a very naive person can believe that he was attacked by his partner or contributed to his departure, simply because he put something in the wrong place or over-salted the soup. Naturally, the point is in all the past grievances and anger that had been accumulating in his partner for many years and ultimately broke through his patience, giving vent to his feelings of hatred, which from hidden aggression turned into open.

What to do with hatred

If you feel hatred towards someone, then without studying the history of its origin you will not be able to cope with it. When it began, it gave rise to strong beliefs in you about the object of hatred, which over time only strengthened if the one you hate did not somehow improve your attitude towards yourself. Most often, this does not happen, because hatred darkens a person’s eyes, he stops seeing something good in the one he hates. We, people, generally tend to collect all the bad or all the good in one place, that is, in this case, you will see the one you hate mainly or exclusively in a negative light, stubbornly not noticing the good and willingly assigning everything bad to him. And since your capabilities do not allow you to punish this person or somehow influence him, for all the bad things that he has done to you or that he has in him, your hatred towards him will accumulate. And it is very difficult to rationalize this hatred, to understand its meaning, to reconsider one’s attitude towards its origins, without studying its entire history. This is what needs to be done, and we do it with people whom I help cope with their feelings of hatred. We look for the very first reason because of which it arose, and then gradually move from it to the current state of the person and to his current life, in which this hatred may no longer be relevant at all. Sometimes this feeling is transformed not because of objective factors, that is, the one whom a person hates does nothing bad to him, but solely because of the fantasies of the hater, who lives with a feeling of resentment and embitterment, and does not know what to do with them. In the end, all the trouble falls on the one he hates. This person or these people [evil for evil] is to blame for everything and he hates him or them even more. We need to get rid of this thickening of hatred by separating its true cause from the contrived reasons.

I will not say that it is necessary to get rid of it, hatred, as an exclusively harmful and destructive feeling. Not everything in this world is so simple as to accept one thing in it and reject another, and think that this is enough for a comfortable and successful life. There is also a benefit from hatred, and I have already shown some of it above. It allows a person to fight for his interests, forces him not to put up with what harms him. This is a sobering feeling, which, although it can intoxicate itself, nevertheless does not allow a person to turn into a whipping boy [or girl], with whom you can do whatever you want. But the methods of struggle can be different, they can be uncontrollable, when a person, out of hatred for someone, commits extremely rash acts that have negative consequences, including for himself. Or they can be extremely thoughtful, when a person uses his hatred as motivation, but makes decisions with a cool head, skillfully coping with his offenders and enemies whom he hates. It is this ability to transform hatred into constructive actions that people and I are also working on. We are looking for a more reasonable way out of their hatred, so that it does not unexpectedly burst out in the form of emotional actions and primitive decisions when a person’s cup of patience is full, but calmly and evenly comes out of him in the form of thoughtful and useful actions that alleviate his condition.

And I also want to say that you cannot ignore hatred. Otherwise, it will go from hating someone to hating a person towards himself. And then he will either harm himself in the end, or turn into an absolutely weak-willed and unviable creature, not ready for any fight for his interests. I call this the victory of evil over the human personality. To prevent this from happening, you need to work with hatred, not extinguish it, not express it in the form of aggression, but work, as mentioned above, study it and competently release it from a person.

Now about what to do with other people's hatred. If someone hates you, it is the same problem as you hating another person. After all, who knows when your hater will have opportunities to harm you. You can be sure he will use them. Therefore, the first thing you need to do is identify other people’s self-hatred, paying attention to how people treat you, what they say to you or about you, whether they are afraid of you, because people often hate precisely those they fear, but do not show it . Be more attentive to people, many of their grievances and anger can be seen, most people do not hide their feelings well and in conversations may one way or another mention their dissatisfaction with you, even in a joking manner, but some kind of reproach for you will definitely come out of their mouth address. You need to be careful about this. Next you need to talk with this person, learn more about him, about his life, in order not to find out directly, here you will most likely be deceived, but to guess from his problems, difficulties, desires, whether the person really hates you or not and why he hates you . After all, as I already said, we can accidentally offend, insult, or deprive someone of something because of our inattention and ignorance, and the person will hate us, and we won’t even know it. And then the hatred grows, changes, the root cause is forgotten, the negativity accumulates, the relationship towards you worsens and the person begins to wish you harm, sometimes completely unreasonably. Well, if he can’t understand this, you should understand it.

Therefore, in order to identify possible misunderstandings and any grievances, you need to communicate with people whom you suspect of hating you. This can be understood by their coldness, avoidance of you, or, conversely, by excessive servility, when they butter up you in order to get to know you better, in order to then use your weaknesses against you. Only through sincere and interested communication with people can you find out for sure that a person hates you. And having understood this, you can move on to the next step. And this is, no, not clarifying the relationship with this person, not trying to find out something from him and explain something to him, all this only interferes with the normalization of his attitude towards you. You must, firstly, correct your mistakes, which you will find if you remember everything you did recently or a little earlier that was somehow related to this person. And secondly, you just need to bribe this person with something good, in the broad sense of the word, that is, allow him to receive some kind of benefit thanks to you, so that the good impressions of you cover the negativity that caused him hatred for you. Sometimes it's not that hard to do. People willingly change their opinion about a person who gives them something good. In this sense, we are quite practical, unconsciously practical, because we succumb to positive emotions that are associated with the benefits we receive and forget old grievances.

Most people can be bribed, thus neutralizing their negativity towards themselves. I'm not talking about just giving money or some property to a person who hates you in order to buy his respect and love, or at least a neutral feeling towards you. Although people do this too, they simply buy haters and they change their opinion about them for the better. But I’m talking, first of all, about finding ways to please a person, through some benefits, concessions, privileges, simply getting closer to him, so that he gets to know you better, understands you better, shares some ideas, feelings, thoughts, problems with you so that you have some kind of joint business, then his attitude towards you will quickly change, it will become the way you make it yourself.

One of our main problems, as humans, is that we are often too focused on ourselves and pay unacceptably little attention to others. Because of this, we, let’s say, may not be careful enough with each other and, even without any malicious intent, are capable of causing harm and suffering to each other. This breeds resentment, anger and ultimately hatred. Of course, people have long learned to live with such hatred, carrying it within themselves and allowing others to hate themselves. But I don’t think it’s smart to turn a blind eye to this energy-consuming and, in some cases, completely meaningless feeling. Something needs to be done with him, definitely. But what exactly depends on each specific case. In some cases, this feeling must be reset so that it does not burden the soul, and in others, it must be given a way out so that it brings both benefit and relief.

How to get rid of hatred towards your ex-partner?

How to stop hating your ex? The question is very rhetorical. First you need to understand what exactly is the reason for this hatred. What did a person do to deserve such treatment, what did he do?

If a woman is ready to list specific offenses that have consequences, then she should fight not with feelings of hatred, but with the problems that the actions of her ex-partner gave rise to. For example, if a person is hated for assault, the results of which are visible every day in the mirror (scars, the consequences of uneven healing of cracks in the skull, unregenerated hair follicles, etc.), it is these defects in appearance that need to be corrected. It is impossible to let go of the situation, forgive a person and forget about his actions if you constantly look at their results.

In the event that a girl is not able to name a single specific offense, but lists many shortcomings of a man, the reason for hatred is irrational and is located in the female mind. She needs to be found. Perhaps it's all about resentment towards the person? Envy that he was able to start a new relationship? Is it that the woman feels guilty for the breakup? Having found the cause of negative emotions, you need to deal with it. After this, the hatred will go away.

Of course, you can't concentrate on the past. You should live in the present. In order to get rid of intrusive memories, you need to find interesting activities for yourself, get a dog, walk, communicate with people, learn something new, play sports. If possible, you should travel or change jobs.

Primary limitation of aversion. Ritual cannibalism

At the first stage of the development of human society, cannibalism was limited to all members of the pack with the exception of one particularly weak and useless individual at that time - we are talking about a skin-visual boy.

Each of us is born with a certain specific role, which is determined by individual psychological and physical characteristics, corresponding abilities, inclinations and desires. When they are adequately filled, a person receives pleasure from his activity and at the same time brings benefit to society, ensuring its (and therefore his) survival.

Both in the ancient pack and in its more complex version - modern society - each member plays a certain role. Leaders lead the pack into the future. Hunters obtain food (money, resources), then strive to preserve and rationally use what they have obtained. There are cave guards and mentors (homebodies who protect the rear and educate children), night watchmen (today - musicians, programmers, scientists, creators of ideas).

There is also a so-called shaman, a gray cardinal who is hated and feared. He forces each member of the team to work hard for the whole, contrary to the inherent nature of laziness (the effect of mortido). With his input, elements that threaten the integrity of the flock are eliminated, both inside and outside.

His desire is to survive at all costs. But, unlike all other members of the pack, he unmistakably senses on an unconscious level that he cannot survive alone, only together with everyone else. He is not loved and hated because he forces everyone to work for society, but it is he who keeps his species alive by all means. Our survival depends on it.

The olfactory shaman concentrates the general hatred on himself, and at the last moment he is bought off by the victim - the weakest and most non-viable member of society, the skin-visual boy. The sacrifice is clothed in a ritual: a weak tribesman is eaten at a common table, uniting the members of the pack and making them closer to each other. Until now, this method has been unconsciously applied in an indirect way.

It is easy to observe sacrifice in groups, the “eating” of individuals, thus removing the general tension that has accumulated as a result of unfulfilled desires. As in cave times, the weakest person, who cannot defend himself, is chosen as the victim. Members of the collective, uniting, “make friends” against him, bringing down on the “scapegoat” all their hostility, which, in the absence of a victim, they would pour out on each other, contributing to the disintegration and death of the entire group.

How to get rid of hatred towards all humanity?

How to stop hating people around you? This is a question that requires consultation with a psychologist. Hatred of humanity is a very serious disorder; it can be either an independent specific phobia or a symptom accompanying neuroses and other pathologies.

Of course, hatred of people is not always a sign of mental illness. It can appear after severe nervous shocks, be a consequence of stress, or develop due to a series of insults, humiliations, and insults from others.

It is impossible to understand on your own what exactly such hatred is and cope with it. The help of a specialist and sometimes medication is required.