I don't want a husband

A woman has several roles to play: mistress of the house, cook in the kitchen, lover in bed. If there are practically no problems with cleaning and preparing dinner, then there are serious difficulties with the third point. At a certain stage of a relationship, a woman may have the thought: “I don’t want a husband at all.” What to do in this case - advice from psychologists will tell you.

I don't want a husband anymore

“There was a time when we could make love absolutely anywhere. It was mind blowing for both of us. And I remember how, when leaving, I counted the minutes, I wanted so much to hug him, to cuddle up to him. When we met, the first thing we did was throw ourselves into bed. If there was no bed, go into the bushes. If there were no bushes - in the car. Any place was suitable. But, that's all gone. Children were born. I don't want a husband anymore. Why don't I want a husband anymore? I can’t answer this question for myself...”

Psychologist's comment

Answers to the question “Why don’t I want a husband anymore?” will probably be unexpected and sometimes unpleasant for you.

1.You don’t want a husband anymore because you have completed the task that nature set for you.

You met a man, you developed an attraction that led to you getting pregnant and having children.

And, it very often happens that it is after the birth of children that a woman turns on the so-called maternal dominant in the brain. Which refocuses the efforts of her psyche NOT on the process of reproduction, but on the process of raising and surviving her children and maintaining the family hearth.

It is so intended by nature that as the task of reproduction is completed with a certain male, this switch occurs in the woman.

And there is absolutely no need to be upset about this, because there is a way out of this situation, and I will tell you about it below.

In addition, as they write everywhere, factors work against libido:

2. Chronic fatigue

Everything is clear here.

3. Poor organization of your life

When you simply cannot organize yourself in such a way as to make time for a romantic meeting with your husband.

4.Health problems

And, most often, hormonal imbalances. And, this may be caused by:

-Taking birth control pills (they reduce hormones to a minimum, and with them libido)
-Premenopause and menopause
-Diseases of the endocrine system

In general, it is worth saying that, in principle, female hormonal changes are a very interesting thing. You have probably noticed that over the course of a month your desire for your husband fluctuates from “I want it madly, I’m ready to climb the wall” to “don’t come near me, you disgust me.”

This is all due only to fluctuations in female hormones. Therefore, in general, this is the norm.

But there are still serious health problems.

And, if you say that “I don’t want a husband anymore and I don’t want to live with him” and at the same time, you suspect that this may be caused by health problems, then it’s worth getting examined.

Why is this happening?

To solve the problem of loss of interest in your spouse, you need to understand the reason for its occurrence. There are many factors that negatively affect a woman's sexual desire. At the same time, the duration of family life does not affect this phenomenon in any way . The reasons that a wife avoids intimacy with her husband are hidden in psychology and physiology, which are closely intertwined.

Psychological reasons

The reasons for a man's sexual reluctance may have psychological roots. A woman is attached to her partner on an emotional level. True satisfaction for her is possible only if there is a feeling of spiritual unity .
The main role in obtaining an orgasm for the female sex is played by the feeling of kinship of souls and absolute closeness. Lack of desire is often a consequence of a cooling relationship with a spouse . Perhaps, at the initial stage, the young couple was captivated by passion, without leaving the love nest, so there was no time left for getting to know each other. The relationship was built on sexual attraction. The spouses could not become friends or interlocutors.

If the reason for sexual reluctance lies in the lack of emotional intimacy with your partner, you just need to talk to the man and start spending more time with him. Joint activities can serve as an excellent assistant in the process of rapprochement .

As a result, the wife can discover new traits in her husband, learn about his interests or unexpected moments in his biography. Having opened up from an unknown side, a man becomes closer and dearer, which leads to the awakening of female sexual desire. This process may take a long time, but it is necessary to become emotionally close .

In communication with a partner, a woman will be able to relax. You can safely tell your spouse, who has become a close friend, about your experiences and discomfort in the sexual sphere. It is better to discuss existing problems together and find ways to solve them.

If there is a reason that prevents a woman from receiving sexual pleasure, it needs to be voiced . Don't be afraid to offend your partner. After emotional rapprochement, a man who has become family will help solve the problem. Positions that do not bring pleasure, a feeling of discomfort, the duration of sexual intercourse - all this needs to be discussed with your spouse.

According to most women, the only reason for the lack of desire for their partner is physical fatigue . Fatigue can be associated with difficult working conditions, everyday life or raising children. As a rule, after such everyday life there is practically no energy left for sexual contact.

In this case, the woman needs a day off . A day of rest should be taken not only at work, but even in the family. The children will have a great time with grandma, the spouse will cope with the cleaning and cooking. On this day, a woman simply needs to meet with friends, go for a walk or be alone with herself. A swimming pool or bath treatments will help you get yourself completely in order. The activity should lead to the only result - relaxation and rest. It is advisable to find an opportunity to arrange a similar weekend for yourself twice a month . Then the awakening of sexual desire for a partner will not be long in coming.

Physiological reasons

Important! Physiology can also cause discord between spouses in bed. It must be remembered that how you treat your own body affects your health. Alcoholic drinks, contacts with men in the past, addiction to food are factors that negatively affect a woman’s well-being. To maintain strength, the body needs eight hours of sleep daily, a balanced diet and moderate physical activity.

Lack of desire may be due to the following factors:

lack of sleep or insomnia that may occur after pregnancy. The reasons for poor sleep are natural - the baby requires constant attention at any time of the day, as a result of which the woman experiences exhaustion and fatigue. Stress or depression may be accompanied by insomnia. The body does not have enough time to recover, so the woman does not want sexual intimacy;
pregnancy. Even with its normal course, some women have a fear of harming the child, so the issue of sexual intimacy with a man is not even considered. If the process occurs with pathologies, it is better to refuse sexual intercourse;
hormonal changes, which are accompanied by mood swings, constant fatigue, pain in the intestines or stomach, irregular menstruation, excessive appetite and vaginal dryness. If you have such signs, you should consult a doctor;
past sexual trauma, including hysterectomy;
obesity, which negatively affects both male and female sexual desire.

If any of these reasons prevent intimate activity, you need to consult a doctor or change your lifestyle to a healthier one.

I don’t want a husband at all - I want another

“I don’t want a husband, I want another.” This happens at that stage of your relationship with your husband when you are disappointed that you can establish a normal relationship with him. Which will bring you back to wanting to have sex with him.

It is the feeling of disappointment that is the point of no return that makes you want something else if there is nothing wrong with your libido.

And it’s not at all necessary that your husband is some kind of bad person, or a drunkard or a drug addict or a terrible sociopath. Not at all. He can be a very good, wonderful person. But at the same time, he does not give his wife those emotions and does not cover those needs that are really important to you.

As an example, the most common one, I will give this situation.

A completely wonderful man in all respects, his parents’ family simply did not teach him how to properly show attention to a woman. He does not have the option of giving flowers for no reason, making small gifts for no reason, or telling her every day that she is the most beautiful, the best, the most desirable.

Or he doesn’t know how to listen to her well and competently. The correct way to listen to a woman is to give her 15-20 minutes to speak out (without advice or attempts to solve the problem!) and only repeat to her “I understand. Continue". This is the advice of John Gray, a world-renowned professor of female-male relationships, whose book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” is probably familiar to you.

And this situation described above is the most common one that leads women to disappointment in a man.

But, of course, in your case he may be an alcoholic, a drug addict, a psychopath, or someone else.

In any case, if your libido is preserved, but psychologically you are disappointed in your husband, then your libido will push you into a relationship with another man.

How to deal with this?

If the desire of your legal spouse is still absent, you can use the following recommendations:

wait until the ovulation period, during which sexual desire increases significantly;
use a special lubricant that promotes arousal;
take medications that dilate blood vessels, which will have a positive effect on a woman’s sexual mood. Before using them, you should consult a gynecologist.

Important! The ideal solution to the problem is a joint vacation. When choosing a vacation spot, you should give preference to a resort with a minimum number of attractions, preferably without the Internet and television. This will give you time for communication and, of course, sex life.

I don’t want to cheat on my husband, although I don’t want intimacy with him.

A dual situation: I don’t want a husband, but I don’t want to cheat on my husband. This moment causes such dissonance in consciousness that it looks like a brain explosion.

“And I don’t want a husband and I don’t want to cheat on my husband” - let’s see what could cause such dissonance.

“I don’t want to cheat on my husband” is wonderful. This suggests that you have excellent moral principles . You remain faithful to him, even at the moment when you already realized that your libido is silent and sad at the sight of him. In this situation, you still hope that it will change. That something will happen, there will be some advice (from a psychologist) and something can be fixed.

If you don't want to cheat on your husband, then don't cheat.

Build emotional intimacy

If a woman does not want intimacy, this does not mean that she has stopped loving her husband. Perhaps the monotonous life and frequent arguments led to a loss of emotional intimacy. To resolve this issue, take the following steps:

Show interest and understanding of each other's experiences.
Learn to talk and listen to each other. The sooner you tell your spouse about your grievances, the sooner the conflict will be resolved.
Respect each other. Learn to appreciate what your partner does for you.
Please each other. Do something nice in your everyday life. This is an important step towards harmony in your intimate life.
Learn to be forgiving of your partner's shortcomings. If you got married, it means you experienced love despite the flaws.
Make common plans, do everything together. Vigorous joint activity will undoubtedly have a positive effect on your sex life.

I don’t want a husband, what should I do? Psychologist's advice

1. Find out whether decreased libido is a consequence of health problems.

And, most often, some hormonal problems.

For this purpose, there are doctors such as gynecologists, endocrinologists who will help direct you to the analysis you need. Tell you what exactly you need to hand over.

Most often you need to take hormones such as:

Women - estrogens;
follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH);
prolactin;
progesterone
and, Testosterone

All of them can have an impact on your libido. If there are some serious problems with them, then, of course, what kind of desire can we talk about? Hormone therapy is required.

Just hormonal fluctuations

If no serious problems with hormones have been identified, it’s just that during the month your libido and desire for your husband varies from zero and even negative to very high.

And this happens all the time, and you notice it, then we decide that these are just normal hormonal changes during the cycle.

In principle, this is normal for most women of reproductive age.

And in this situation I can give one piece of advice:
When you really want it, seize these moments, grab your husband and enjoy the intimacy, eat it up. So that your appetites are fully satisfied.

And in those moments when you don’t feel like it, just take it calmly, with the understanding that your hormones are now sleeping and your libido is sleeping along with them. He is sleeping, not dead.

In this situation, you can simply “Give” to your husband. At the same time, explain to him that “my hormones are now dormant, and along with them my libido is dormant.” Therefore, dear, beloved, sweet husband, I can just give it to you now - if you want, here you go.

If there are unresolved conflicts and difficult feelings between you

If you understand that the reason for the decrease in your desire for your husband is heavy feelings and unresolved conflicts leading to difficult feelings: guilt, resentment, fear, shame, disappointment. Then, in this case, it is necessary to work out these open gestalts.

In general, it is very important for our psychological health not to suppress or repress all these things. Or at least talk it out. Or with my husband, if possible. Or with a psychologist. But it is very important for us to do this.

And this is not only for returning to a normal sex life. This also affects your overall performance. And to your common desire to enjoy life and the World.

4. Improper organization of your life

If the reason that you say “I don’t want a husband” is the incorrect organization of your life, then I can also give you good advice, it is:

Learn to organize your life. Learn to set not only the goal of “sending your children to an English club or a swimming pool. Prepare food”, etc. Also set the Goal “Romantic meeting with your husband.” Keep this on your to-do list.

And treat this as an independent necessary task. Because, believe me, an intimate, joyful meeting gives you a charge of energy, happiness, and health.

This is very important, and no less important than sitting with girlfriends, or going to the garden, etc.

Is it possible to return the former passion?

The reasons for the lack of desire must be eliminated, since coldness in bed can lead to a complete break in the relationship. One of the incentives for awakening sexual interest in a partner can be variety and spontaneity .

By the way! Perhaps you should remember your teenage dreams and make them come true in adulthood. Sex in the car, on the roof, in the pool or in the dressing room is now completely accessible.

You can fulfill your secret dreams with your spouse and play role-playing games . There is no need to be afraid of looking stupid, because a loved one is nearby.

Sometimes a woman has no desire for her partner, but sexually she likes another man. In this case, it is worth asking yourself what is so seductive about a stranger, how he differs from his spouse.

In any case, a woman is attracted only by the outer shell, since she does not know the other man at all. In this case, perhaps going to the gym together will allow the spouse to reach the ideal and become sexually attractive again.

If the cause of frigidity lies in pregnancy or the postpartum period, there is no need to worry. Spouses should wait out the process of hormonal changes, as a result of which there is often a lack of sexual desire . If, after the physiological processes have occurred, attraction to a partner still does not arise, you need to contact an endocrinologist or gynecologist. Specialists will help identify and eliminate the causes.

I foresee objections: yes, I don’t get excited at all

In this case, I can recommend periodically reading erotic literature and watching erotic films. Because our brain is programmed to imitate and imitate.

That is, the brain thinks: if others are doing it, it means your nervous system receives a signal that you can do this too and you need it too.

Also, be beautiful. Be sure to buy yourself some nice underwear... Wear it even if you are just going to work. The very thought of what you are wearing provokes ideas of a sexual nature.

And in this way we can solve the problem “I don’t want a husband.” I wish everyone peace and love!

Bring newness to intimate relationships

If a woman has lost desire, perhaps it is not her or even the man. If you eat the same dish for a long period of time, with the same spices, you will quickly get bored. It's the same with sex. To want your spouse again, you need to introduce some novelty into your intimate relationships. Try these tips:

Create a romantic atmosphere. It could be candles, hearts, flower petals - anything. Be sure to take care of the appropriate musical accompaniment. It is also recommended to light incense.
Try role-playing games. Based on their experience as psychologists, this measure saved many relationships. If you are no longer attracted to your spouse, you may want him again if he appears in a new way.
Buy some nice lingerie. Feeling beautiful in seductive things, you will probably look at your spouse differently.
Try sex toys. There's nothing wrong with that. In addition, you don’t have to go to a sex shop in person—you can order everything in the online store. Such things greatly refresh family life.
Watch films for adults. They will inspire you to new intimate achievements and refresh your desire.

Tired or fed up?

Do you want to know why a wife doesn't want sex with her husband? Please! A modern woman must cope with many responsibilities. Work, household chores, cooking, caring for a child and constant care of one’s body and appearance exhaust a girl or woman more than the training of a professional bodybuilder.

Add here:

stress at work and in society;
anxiety for the future (a very pressing issue lately);
negative, which in theory should be ignored, but in practice it does not always work out.

This is a colossal burden on the female psyche, which directly affects libido. Figuratively speaking, by the end of the day a woman feels emotionally raped and devastated. There’s no time for sex here – she already “got it to the fullest.” She just wants to sleep, sleep, sleep...

Four Justified Nos

I don’t want to sleep with my husband... How often can you hear this from friends, co-workers, or even from your own mother. The problem is as old as time, and often the woman is not to blame for it. Agree, it’s one thing to go to bed with your significant other when you don’t bear the burden of caring for the house and children. And it’s completely different when you’re torn into a million pieces in order to have time to go to work, feed your family, wash everything, iron it and clean up at the end. After such a marathon, you just want to fall on the bed and not move. At the same time, the husband’s attempts to seduce cause nervous spasms and attacks of aggression.

Sexologists say that there are four arguments in favor of women who do not want to forcefully make love:

Dulling of sensations, which causes depression and dissatisfaction with oneself.
Decreased libido, development of frigidity.
The appearance of gynecological problems.
Loss of attractiveness.

And to prevent this from happening, try to find the cause of your coldness and solve it using the methods described above.

New life

If it is difficult for a married girl to accept what happened and distance herself from the events due to which she intended to leave her husband, then the solution is obvious. In the case when it is already useless to fight for a relationship, you need to learn to put an end to it and start everything from scratch. When family relationships are burdened with feelings of mistrust, betrayal, misunderstanding, dislike, fading passion, lack of mutual attraction - what is the point of continuing to live together? Even children sometimes cannot become an obstacle to a woman leaving the family. Therefore, it is not surprising that in this case she wants to live alone, without a husband. Too many negative moments and actions committed by men today cannot be forgotten and forgiven by a once sincerely loving woman. That is why the pain and resentment are stronger, because the feelings for the spouse were strong.

But you should never despair and get hung up on what you can’t get back, and, in fact, it’s not worth it. Life is given to a person so that he can live it, and not “suffer.” If you are a young, beautiful woman who is divorced, do not dare to give up - find the strength within yourself to move on. Fate does not like weak people, but gives trials to the strong. So take advantage of the experience you have gained and give yourself the opportunity to live your life differently. In the end, those who don’t take risks don’t drink champagne.

Development of desire: from surface to depth

Sexual desire towards a man is usually superficial at first. Sex is devoid of depth and feeling. The body plays a greater role in the process than the soul. Sensuality becomes a way to attract the attention of a partner, to awaken attraction in him. However, relationships do not stand still, like everything in nature, they develop according to their own laws. Gradually your feelings for your partner change, you begin to perceive him differently. For example, in psychotherapy, similarly, there comes a period when it seems that nothing is happening and nothing is changing, and therefore the desire to continue the transformation process disappears. The meaning is lost. Topics of conversation disappear. And I always emphasize that this is when real therapy begins. And all you feel is resistance. It’s just that at the beginning of interactions we communicate on a conscious level, gradually moving towards the unconscious, and when we get close to it, we run into defenses, which manifests itself as a struggle. This is a period of so-called calm. Having experienced it, we will be open to working with the deep structures of the psyche.

It’s the same in relationships. When you reach a certain depth in your union, it seems to you that sexual desire has disappeared. In fact, true attraction related to love has not yet awakened.

You are just about to get to know your true self and the essence of your partner. Once you pass this stage, you will be open to a deeper partnership. And then true trust will begin to emerge, and in your attitude towards a man you will feel a different tenderness and depth.

It’s disgusting to even think about my husband!

During her 25 years of marriage, Varvara had everything: strong scandals and infidelities. Discontent accumulated and a feeling of complete hopelessness arose. At the same time, I didn’t want to get a divorce at all. Common children, an established life, for so many years they have already grown into each other. And where can you find a better man now? Varvara believed that no one would need her. I didn't want to be left alone.

But it was not possible to change anything in the relationship with my husband. To my question about sex, Varya replied: “What sex! I hate to even think about him.” But I remembered that while the intimate life between the spouses was not bad, other problems were perceived much easier.

“And now I don’t want him at all.” I put up with it once a month, just so that it ends quickly.

At some point during the quarrel, the husband told Varya that she had become fat and he didn’t want her anymore. Then it turned out that at that time he was very angry with his wife and offended her in the heat of the moment. But for Varya, these words remained a huge obstacle in her sex life. She stopped feeling attractive and completely excluded herself from the list of sexy women.

She noticed that men paid attention to her and showed interest. Even on a business trip, I started an affair with a quite interesting employee from another region. But this didn't help. Varya’s excitement and self-esteem were practically zero.

Incomprehensibility

This condition is familiar to every woman. She is 100% sure: the process is far from amazing and enchanting, but she cannot understand where exactly improvements are needed. She simply doesn’t like going to bed, and she sighs doomedly: “I don’t want to sleep with my husband...” As a result, it’s easier to refuse than to rack your brains in search of unsuccessful and annoying moments of physical intimacy.

In this case, the lady will still have to find time to sit down and figure it out. Because no one except herself can solve the problem. If the husband is correct, attentive, gentle, neat, loves his wife’s cooking and respects her mother, then the girl needs to look for the reasons deep inside herself. Perhaps she just needs a break or some variety in positions and locations. Then, so that the obstacle called “I don’t want intimacy with my husband” does not arise, you can move to the sea or to the mountains. A change in the usual atmosphere, new acquaintances and adventures can revive former passion and protect the couple from an unwanted divorce.

Don't be open with your friends

If you are experiencing problems of an intimate nature, if you have lost attraction to your husband, you should not tell your friends about it. The advice of other women cannot always be trusted. In addition, by saying such things, you can turn yourself against your spouse even more. And you shouldn’t listen to other people’s stories either. Women tend to project other people's negative situations onto themselves.

My husband smells unpleasant, but I remain silent

A separate important factor influencing sexuality is suppressed disgust. This is an emotion that tells us that something is harmful, dangerous, unpleasant for us. It helps keep your distance from it. For example, if we see dog feces or a dead rat on the street, we will avoid them. Both because it smells bad and because there may be harmful microbes there. Actually, evolution itself made sure that we avoid contact with what is dangerous.

But when we live in the same territory with someone, sometimes disgust cannot be avoided. You can go to the toilet after another person, and it smells bad. Maybe there was some paste or something left on the bathroom sink.

At the very beginning of a relationship, most often all these moments are leveled out by falling in love. But when the first hormonal surge passes, we are faced with the fact that we have to do something about our involuntary disgust.

And most often we suppress it. Because constantly telling your loved one: “Wash yourself, please, clean up after yourself in the toilet, don’t leave your socks…” can be very awkward. And I don’t want to offend him. And if a baby and even a grown-up child can still be loved unconditionally, along with his physical manifestations, then it is quite difficult for an adult.

When a woman is unpleasant about some smell associated with sex, but she cannot say about it, then most likely she will simply avoid intimacy. Avoid kissing, oral sex, etc. Often she herself will not notice the reason. Already in the group, understanding this topic, many begin to understand that they have really suppressed their sensitivity.

Advertising

But you cannot partially suppress emotions. If you suppress disgust, then at the same time joy, admiration, tenderness, and the orgasm itself will be suppressed. In addition, there is a known pattern in psychology that suppressed disgust is primarily responsible for codependent relationships. That is, for the loss of boundaries, the loss of personal freedom.

What to do in this case? It is very important to track your feelings. Notice what exactly causes your partner’s rejection and be sure to talk about it with him. Choose careful, non-hurting words. Ask to take a shower, get treatment and/or brush your teeth. Or say: “Sorry, but I won’t swallow sperm. This doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means I don't like swallowing cum."