How to psychologically support yourself if you feel that you are faced with insurmountable limitations or have lost something important that cannot be returned?
Oh, how we don’t like restrictions! It's hard to even describe. This is probably one of the most unpleasant emotional experiences in life - to rush into a dead end and realize that you cannot do something, although you urgently need it.
That's why it's one of the hardest things to accept. We really don’t like it when someone tells us what we can’t do. How can you tell yourself this on your own and still feel calm? Is it even possible?
In order to understand accepting limits, we will first have to become a little familiar with the idea of psychological defenses. These are the ways in which our psyche protects itself from something. Why does the psyche need this? To stabilize, i.e. reduce negative experiences, mental pain and discomfort as much as possible.
Modern psychology is of the opinion that all defenses are unconscious, in other words, we are not aware of when we are defending ourselves from something. We just do it in those situations when we need it.
There are quite a few psychological defenses, some of their names are probably familiar to you from articles, movies and conversations of others: denial, repression, projection, devaluation, rationalization, etc.
The way we treat limitations shows one of these psychological defenses in all its glory: denial. When our psyche denies something, it literally refuses to come to terms with the existence of this “something,” and since defense passes by consciousness, we begin to believe that this “something” really does not exist.
What is the most difficult thing to come to terms with in today's situation?
Stages of grief
American psychologist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross identified 5 stages of a person’s experience of a traumatic situation: denial, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance. Each stage has its own characteristic features, it is advisable to know them. Otherwise, a person’s behavior may be unexpected, incomprehensible and even shocking to you.
Denial stage
As soon as a person finds out that trouble has happened, he does not want to believe it for some time. Consciousness refuses to perceive the new reality and tries by all means to isolate itself from it. This stage can last from several minutes to several weeks.
The person continues to behave as if nothing had happened, and from the outside it may seem that he is not himself. What to do in this case?
There is no need to try to forcefully open his eyes. This way you will injure him even more. But it is also impossible to maintain the illusion that nothing happened. Try to avoid discussing sensitive topics and don’t ask him about anything. Just being nearby. At that moment when the brain is no longer able to fight reality, your presence is necessary. Under the influence of difficult emotions, a person can seriously harm himself or others.
Anger stage
This is the most terrible stage both for the person himself and for his loved ones. Strong emotions overwhelm you and literally knock you off your feet. A person may show verbal and physical aggression towards himself and others. It can be very difficult for those who have undertaken to support him.
First, you need to understand that the person is practically in a state of passion and has poor self-control. If insults and reproaches suddenly rain down on you, ignore them. He may scream, cry, bang his head against the wall - don’t be scared. Be nearby and provide tactile contact to the person - this way he can calm down faster.
It's good if you help him find an outlet for his anger. Offer to beat a pillow, beat out a rug, or play sports or active physical labor. But we need to try to protect people from using alcohol and psychotropic substances.
Stage of guilt
At this stage, the person becomes depressed and begins to blame himself for what happened. Even if the situation does not depend on him in any way, he finds reasons for self-flagellation. The reasons may be completely absurd - he did not foresee the disaster, he was in the wrong place.
The person needs to be listened to carefully and, with the help of logical arguments, convinced of the groundlessness of self-accusations. Tell him that you don’t see his guilt, that he’s screwing himself over. Emphasize his positive qualities, praise and encourage him. Even if not immediately, your words will definitely have an effect.
Stage of depression
It is characterized by feelings of depression and apathy. A person may feel a loss of strength, fatigue, and general despondency. The old life is left behind in the past, and there is absolutely no energy to build a new one. At this stage, it is very easy to do a disservice to the person and keep him stuck in depression.
If you see that your loved one does not get out of bed, does not want to go anywhere, and has difficulty performing household chores, you should not rush to do everything for him. This will make him have even less energy. The best you can do is try to get him going. To captivate with something, to interest, to awaken the desire to live. Try to infect him with some of your hobbies, remember what you used to love to do together.
If you succeed, the next stage of healing will come much faster. If depression has dragged on, I advise you to read our article “How to get out of depression.” In it you will find recommendations from professional psychologists.
Acceptance stage
Gradually the person begins to come to his senses. The grass is greener, the sun is brighter, and your favorite food tastes better again. At this stage, a person needs to rebuild his life brick by brick. Support him in word and deed. Tell him often that you believe in him, that he will succeed. Share with him the joy of first successes, encourage him in case of failures.
After serious life upheavals, people become stronger and stronger, new meanings and opportunities open up for them. Remind a person of this more often, and soon he will believe in himself and his strength. It will be easier for him to start a new life and leave the old one behind.
Don't be too overconfident
Being confident is a good trait of a successful person, but being overly confident is not always healthy. It is a mistake to imagine that you are the only irreplaceable person who should by default have access to all the delights, achievements and awards of the world. The higher you fly, the more painful it is to fall. Any loss in this case will be perceived too painfully. It’s easy to give up, but it’s more difficult to gain strength and start anew. Therefore, evaluate your strength fairly. Giving up volleyball forever without qualifying for the university team is not entirely correct. You can continue training and try again later when you are more prepared physically and mentally.
How to support a person: general recommendations
No matter how difficult the situation, you can always alleviate mental suffering. Even a dying person will feel better if there is someone nearby who supports him.
Be there in difficult times
Your first reaction to a message about a grief event should be an offer to come. Sometimes you don’t even have to offer it, you just need to get in the car and take off. The person may be embarrassed to burden you, let him know that this is not a burden to you.
Stay with him for a while, hug him, take his hand. Tactile contact promotes calm. Don’t pester the person with questions or try to get them to talk. Perhaps he will not be able to tell anything at all. You can just sit next to him silently.
If you see that a person is in despair, do not leave him alone. You may have to move in with him for a while or offer to live with you.
Take care of household chores
Critical situations always happen suddenly and take us by surprise. Sometimes they require urgent emergency action. Until a person understands the problem, he may need the most banal help. Prepare a meal, clean the house, go to the grocery store. In addition, you may need organizational help - making phone calls, agreeing on something.
Free the person from these worries. It will not be difficult for you, but for him it will be an invaluable contribution. Real help helps bring a person back to life better than any words. But, again, I repeat - do not abuse care during the depression stage. In this case, it will only do harm.
Choose the right words
Finding words of support can sometimes be very difficult. Especially in situations in which we ourselves have never been. I have prepared tips for you that will protect you from common mistakes.
- If you really can’t find the words, it’s better to remain silent. There is no need to squeeze out incoherent regrets.
- Avoid cliches and platitudes. Phrases such as “everything will be fine” and “time heals” can sow doubts about your sincerity.
- Be careful with advice. Unless you have been in a similar situation, you cannot know what a person is really going through. Do not make analogies with your life, do not speak in the tone of an expert who has seen life. It’s better to honestly say that it’s difficult for you to imagine yourself in his place.
- Do not devalue other people's experiences and do not underestimate the severity of the problem. It is clear that you are driven by the desire to reassure the person, but he may regard this as neglect. There is no need to cite as an example those who are even worse off: African children, the disabled, the terminally ill.
- Don't use the subjunctive mood. Keep all sentences starting with “if” to yourself. What is the point of discussing alternative scenarios if it is impossible to go back to the past?
- Do not give assessments, especially categorical ones. You can confuse a person and prevent him from making the right decision in the current situation.
Listen to the person
Sometimes a person just needs to talk it out to feel better. When everything that has accumulated in the heart finds a way out, we experience relief. Give your loved one the opportunity to remove the stone from their soul. Let him tell you everything he considers necessary, and you listen carefully and sympathize.
You should not ask curious questions, insert your expert opinion and refer to your own experience. The person should feel that you really understood his problem, and that it touched you to the depths of his soul.
Help him take his mind off
It is very difficult for a person preoccupied with a problem or immersed in his grief to switch his attention to something else. He can stew for days in a cauldron of painful thoughts, not knowing how to find a way out. Help him with this.
Persuade him to go to a cafe, to the cinema, to a concert - somewhere where there will be a pleasant and inviting atmosphere. You can organize a meeting with friends over board games and intimate conversations. This way, at least for a while, he will be able to escape from his sorrowful captivity.
It's ok to accept defeat
Feeling sad about not coping with a challenge is a standard human reaction. Everyone faces failure in life sooner or later. The main thing in this case is not to give up on your goal or dream, but to accept defeat, draw conclusions, and try again, but under different circumstances. For example, if it weren’t for the persistence of JK Rowling, who received 12 rejections from publishers, we would never have read Harry Potter. The writer achieved her goal, but it took a little more time and patience.
How to support a man
Men and women experience difficult life situations differently. Representatives of the stronger half of humanity tend to keep emotions and experiences to themselves. It is very difficult to understand from their behavior what is going on in their souls. And all because boys are taught from childhood that increased emotionality is a sign of weakness.
Due to external calm, there may be a false impression that everything is fine with a person. While his soul may be torn from pain and despair. You must keep this in mind and exercise maximum delicacy and tact. If your boyfriend, husband or friend is in a difficult situation, be attentive to his condition.
He may try to behave as if nothing had happened: joke, laugh, have fun. Most often these jokes and laughter are feigned and feigned. This is very easy to notice with the naked eye, having at least a modicum of empathy. You shouldn't indulge in fun with him. Refrain from anecdotes, jokes, sarcasm. Let the person know that you are not laughing and that his situation is touching you too.
Seeing that you care, he will be imbued with greater trust and will be able to relax. And later, perhaps, he will even be able to open up to you and ask for support.
Men are also much more likely than women to drown their sorrows in alcohol. You must do everything possible to protect your loved one from this.
What specifically can you do to help yourself grieve?
Talk to someone. It is advisable to look for a person who really understands what we are talking about, who will not console you with words, for example: “Hey, no one died!” - they most likely will not make you feel any better. Alas, most people are not very good at supporting others in grief, especially when it, in their opinion, occurs for a “strange” reason - not because of death, but because of limitations, for example.
Express your feelings. You can write letters to your desk, you can turn to social networks, you can draw, you can write poems and songs, you can watch movies and TV series and find something similar inside. It is important to find something external.
Break your limitations apart. And also try to understand and mentally describe in detail why it is so difficult for you to accept them, what exactly these restrictions hurt you, what exactly they are depriving you of. And experience each part separately.
Try to live your life in normal ways. Don't isolate yourself - breathe, eat, drink, sleep, do routine things, work or study. Time heals, and in this case it will help too.
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How to support a woman
Women are very emotional by nature. Any of their grief, as a rule, is accompanied by rivers of tears. And this is good - negative emotions that find a way out do not destroy the body.
Get ready to be a vest for your wife, girlfriend or girlfriend for some time. Let her talk it out and have a good cry. Don't interrupt or be distracted, make it clear that you care about her grief.
Representatives of the fair sex need tactile contact more than men. Friendly hugs sometimes work better than any words. You can take the girl by the hand, pat her on the head, offer your shoulder. Just watch the response. If she pulls away, maintain a comfortable distance.
One medicine always works for all girls - shopping. But only if the scale of the problem is not too large. If, for example, someone close to her died, she found out that she has cancer and is in the hospital before surgery, then there is no time for shopping.
If you want to better understand male and female psychology and relationships between the sexes, read our selection of books on relationship psychology.
How to support someone from a distance
It is not always possible to be with a person in difficult moments of his life. If for some reason you are far away and cannot come, use modern means of communication.
Be sure to call the person, don’t limit yourself to text messages. Let him hear your voice and speak out himself. Tell him that he can call you at any time of the day or night, and stay in touch. But you shouldn’t call every 5 minutes. Before calling, it is better to write first and ask if the person wants to talk.
In between calls, send the person encouraging text messages. They should not be impersonal and stereotyped. You shouldn’t send him sheets of poems copied from the Internet and quotes that set your teeth on edge. Write only sincere words that come from the heart.
I will give you a few examples of suitable phrases for correspondence with a person in a difficult situation. Take them as a guide and write something of your own - don’t blindly copy.
- “You can always count on me, no matter what happens.”
- “I understand how hard it is for you now. Is there anything I can help you with?”
- “If you want to talk, call at any time. I'm with you!"
- “You are a wonderful person and deserve the best. I'm sure everything will work out."
- “Be patient, you will feel better soon. In the meantime, I’ll be around.”
Accept that there are no perfect people
Ardent perfectionism sometimes prevents a person from overcoming obstacles. The question haunts me: “How is this possible, since I do everything correctly and perfectly?” It’s difficult to come to terms with this; a person becomes fixated on difficulties and so on in a circle. Why drive yourself into a dead end? Nobody's perfect. It's normal to make mistakes, to not know how to cope with a difficulty. But you can survive this by at least starting with accepting your imperfection.
