Even if you get along with your parents—talking often, exchanging recipes and guesses about the next season of Descendants—you'll likely snap at them from time to time and regret it later.
Maybe every time you come home for the holidays, you yell at your mom for being late or get mad at your dad for buying the wrong snacks. You know perfectly well that they love you and your brother or sister equally, and yet you still take the opportunity to accuse them of always having a favorite. So why are we unable to control ourselves even when we realize that we are being unfair and disrespectful towards our parents?
It is completely normal to quarrel with your ancestors. As a 2009 study states, “conflict is a natural part of the relationship between children and parents.” According to clinical and forensic psychologist and Valparaiso University professor Amanda Zelechoski, conflicts with your parents during adolescence or young adulthood are inevitable, even if you didn't quarrel with them as a child.
But if you constantly snap at your parents and at the same time calmly communicate with other people, here are some possible reasons why this is happening.
You are trying to assert yourself
“The process of growing up is about forming our own identity and determining in what ways we want to be like our parents and in what ways we want to be different from them,” Zelechoski says.
Nobody wants to be an exact copy of their parents. Even if you idolized them as a child, over time you begin to strive for independence and realize that they are not always right.
Physiological factors also play a role. Zelechoski notes that hormonal changes can trigger mood swings, and the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for making decisions and controlling emotions, doesn't fully develop until age 25.
“At a young age, it is very important to find a balance in your relationship with your parents,” says Jacob Goldsmith of Northwestern University in Chicago, “learning to be both yourself and part of the family.”
We constantly argue with our mother, what is the reason?
What is the reason? The answer comes if you draw a collective portrait of such a girl’s mother. After all, even though the girl has already grown up, part of her personality still remains there, in her childhood, where she did not receive something. Of course, all mothers are different, and their relationships with their daughters are different, but there are some common points.
As it turned out, this is the unstable emotional world of the mother combined with a disharmonious parenting style. This is speaking in the language of psychology.
To put it simply, this girl’s mother herself is often at odds with her emotions. The reasons may vary.
An important fact for us now is that a woman got married and gave birth to a child, in our case a daughter, without fully understanding herself and/or without being able to build a relationship with her partner in such a way that she felt comfortable.
Often such women withdraw into themselves or into work. One example is the image of client Elena’s mother. The figure of the mother, according to Elena’s recollections, became more and more dominant every year, and the father ceased to play any significant role.
Elena’s mother made it clear through words and actions that her father was a loser and a nonentity, their marriage was a mistake, and showed him contempt. To top it off, over time, Elena’s mother seemed to look for and find an ally in her. Over time, Elena discovered that, together with her mother, she began to act and oppose the “head” of the family. Hence, in Elena’s youth, the problem of gender identification arises, because her mother transferred many of the functions of a man to her and “forced” her daughter to be her support and protection instead of her husband.
In addition, over time, Elena learned to well recognize the slightest nuances of her mother’s feelings, her mood, learned to calm her down and ease her often complex emotional states. “When I realized that my mother and I were constantly arguing , I began to look for any ways to prevent this, because mother is the most important person in childhood,” says Elena. But their feelings were left behind.
There was simply not enough time and energy for them - everything was spent on active participation in the mother’s emotional state. And now, as an adult, Elena can rarely understand how she feels.
The unstable emotional world of the mother, her nervous tension and family problems that grow over time like a snowball - all this largely determines the style of maternal upbringing in such families.
A harmonious parenting style is considered to be education based on positive interest in the child, that is, on accepting him as he is and caring for him. In this case, closeness with the mother arises, based on warm feelings between her and her daughter.
A mother with an unstable emotional world produces a different parenting style, based on directivity, that is, strict control and a tendency to easily use her power. The daughter's opinion is often not taken into account. Such mothers believe that they are always right and rely on the severity of punishment.
We can also talk about hostility, i.e. the mother's suspicious attitude towards the family environment and distance towards its members (in particular, even towards children). The result is often isolation and elevation of oneself above others.
And of course, the emotionally unstable mother, torn by internal contradictions, rushes about, behaves inconsistently - on the mother’s side, the girl feels a sharp change in style, which represents a transition from very strict to liberal and, conversely, a transition from psychological acceptance of her daughter to her rejection.
The result of this style of parenting is the lack of true emotional closeness between mother and daughter, and vice versa, the daughter’s criticism increases and total control is established. “We constantly argue with my mother” is often how the daughter describes the result of this style of parenting.
So, it turns out that the mother’s emotional instability and disharmonious parenting style are largely the cause of the tense atmosphere in the family. And from this atmosphere grows the daughter’s emotional instability. All this deepens the distance between the closest people.
The question arises, what to do?
You carry past grievances within you
If you have already left adolescence, then you need to look for other explanations.
“The first thing that comes to mind is that there are unresolved conflicts,” Goldsmith continues. “Perhaps you harbor a grudge against your parents.”
Or perhaps you are still clinging to your childhood role. Each child plays several roles in the process of growing up: baby, parent, peacemaker, helper, hero, rebel. If you are trying to change, the restrictions they place on you can make you angry.
Manipulation
If irritation occurs for this reason, it is usually difficult to identify.
Manipulation, like increased control, violates personal boundaries. A mother can cause in the heir a fear of losing her, a feeling of guilt, pity, and a sense of duty to the parent. With the help of such techniques, she manipulates an adult child. As a result, he does not act as he wants, but as his mother demands.
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Your family members are toxic people
Don't dismiss the possibility that your anger is a completely justified reaction to your parents' behavior. Even if you used to get along great, it's worth reconsidering what you think is "acceptable" behavior from time to time.
“Anger may indicate an attempt to set boundaries,” Goldsmith explains. “In that case, you need to try to transform it into persistence.”
Might be interesting
13 typical phrases from toxic parents: what they really mean and how to respond to them correctly
Say it without "no"
Now for some magic. Have you heard anything about how our consciousness does not perceive the particle “not”? It works like this: if you tell a person “Don’t forget to take the keys,” there is a high probability that his brain will “not” ignore it. And - dammit - the keys will be left at home.
Therefore, if you want results, formulate your request without “no”.
Homework. Try to formulate your requests for a week without using the particle “not”. During this time, firstly, you will get used to avoiding it, and secondly, you will have time to evaluate whether anything is changing.
In the meantime, practice with my examples: say these phrases without “not.”
Coronavirus has messed things up for you
Quarrels with parents have happened since the beginning of time. “But now the situation is more difficult than ever,” Zelechoski says. How to become independent if, due to a pandemic, you have to stay under the same roof with your family all day long?
Maybe you moved in with your parents because there were too many new cases in your area, like those who left New York City in the early days of the pandemic. Perhaps you are a student and, since classes have been cancelled, you have to stay at home. Many of Zelechoski's students were eager to return to the classroom simply because they could not study comfortably at home.
Advice from a psychologist ↑
To parents:
- Don't stop swearing in front of your children. Yes, no matter how absurd it may seem, modern psychologists recommend doing just that. This is necessary for the child to see that quarrels may still exist between parents. Otherwise, he will build illusions about an ideal family without conflicts, and it will be extremely difficult for him to choose a life partner. However, quarrels should still be kept to a minimum.
- Don't insult each other. You need to control yourself. Insults are no longer the norm. And the child should not hear them.
- Don't remember what happened before. The baby should not know the “pitfalls” in the life of his parents.
- Demonstrate reconciliation. The child also needs to see what follows after a quarrel.
To kid:
- Don't feel sorry for yourself. If you take all quarrels to heart today, you will doom yourself to suffering. And you don't need this. It’s better to mind your own business - your parents will cool down and make peace, so there’s no need to be sad here.
- Don't lead by example. However, if quarrels are rude, there are fights, alcohol and other things that are unpleasant for you, you must understand that this is no longer entirely normal. Make a promise to yourself that later, when you have your own family, you will not use it.
- Don't tell all your friends about family conflicts. All this can cause ridicule, jokes and unpleasant comments in your direction. Everything that happens at home should stay there. You can only share your “secrets” with those whom you trust very much. It is better if it is an adult who will not only listen to you with understanding, but will also be able to give practical advice in specific situations.
You're freaking out because it's your parents.
“Sometimes our parents are simply the easiest and safest target for our anger,” Goldsmith says. — It’s paradoxical, but most often it is on the people closest to us that we dump negativity. They won’t get away from us anyway, so we can take our anger out on them as much as we want.”
Ask yourself, are your parents really the source of your dissatisfaction? Perhaps all is not well with you personally or at work, and your negative emotions are directed at your parents simply because they are nearby.
What children should not do during family scandals
Psychologists looked at examples of conflicts in different families.
Based on observations, a list of the most ineffective and harmful behavioral strategies was created:
Blackmail with talk of suicide. This is unacceptable. Parents are in a difficult position, as evidenced by the conflict. A statement about the desire to die will not solve the problem. After such behavior, the situation will become more complicated, since there will be no strength left to solve the cause of the quarrel; adults will think about how to ensure the safety of the child. If nothing more reliable comes to mind, the offspring may be sent to a special psychiatric hospital, where they will be given injections and given pills. Threaten to leave home
This will entail increased attention and, possibly, house arrest, complete isolation from friends. But the quarrels will not stop because of this. Tell friends, acquaintances and neighbors about what is happening
If a child tries to find a way out of the situation in this way in order to stop quarrels, then his decision is wrong. It is better to contact a psychologist at school so that he can have a conversation with mom and dad. By telling the details of a family scandal to strangers, a child will only provoke increased attention to the family and condemnation of neighbors. Intervene in a conflict or fight. If parents show intemperance and hit each other, you cannot interfere and try to separate them. This will lead to injuries, because they are stronger and larger.
Quarrels between adults are a normal situation that occurs in almost all families. The child does not need to panic or intervene. Once the adults have calmed down, talk about what happened to get all your questions answered.
How to prevent breakdowns (and recover from them)
Conflicts happen, but they don’t always end with a loud slamming of the door, an angry pressing of the “end call” button, or just an angry exclamation of “Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly4earll44l9l99999999999999ears have have. Here are some ways to help keep yourself in control when a fight seems inevitable.
Be carefull. “Monitor your body and pay attention to what triggers you,” says Zelechoski. Perhaps you grind your teeth or clench your fists? Things like this should be your signal to relax.
Talk about your feelings. If you're still angry at your parents for something that happened years ago, maybe it's time to talk about it? “We must talk openly about the past and related experiences in order to build healthy relationships in the present,” Goldsmith believes. “Sometimes a difficult conversation is just necessary.”
Whenever you feel overwhelmed by emotion, say something like, “I know you're just trying to help. I need a few minutes to calm down and then we can continue.”
According to Zelechoski, when we leave during an argument, it is often perceived as disrespect, but in reality the person just wants to be alone. Instead of slamming the door, hanging up or yelling, it's better to say: “Let's come back to this conversation a little later. I feel like I'm losing my temper." It is very important to say this before you leave.
Analyze your behavior and its reasons. Zelechoski advises to analyze each moment of the conflict and try to understand your goal: were you trying to convey something to the other person or were you just yelling at him so that he would understand how unhappy you are? If you identify why you snapped, you can respond differently next time.
“Become an emotional detective. Find out what was behind the outburst of emotion,” Zelechoski says. When do you usually lose your temper? When you are asked to do something over and over again? Or when you are asked personal questions?
Don't isolate yourself. It is quite natural that if you relapse, you feel shame and guilt. According to Zelechoski, these feelings should not be suppressed. Families often pretend that nothing happened, but this does not help avoid conflicts in the future. Try to discuss the problem later.
All these tips also apply to parents. But you cannot be responsible for them. You can only work on yourself.
Overprotective mother
Serious problem. Maximum attention, care, 100% control of the child’s behavior and actions. The reason is fear, worries about children. The world around them is perceived as a permanent threat to their lives, and a desire for restrictions appears.
Limitations lead to the fact that the child does not develop a range of knowledge about the world, he does not receive sufficient experience necessary for social interaction and making his own decisions. Such people are often called “infantile,” but the roots of infantilism are sometimes often associated with parental behavior. Violation of boundaries and excessive guardianship do not fit in with the freedom of choice and responsibility of the individual to others.
As a rule, the roots go to the parent complexes. Low self-esteem, a feeling of anxiety, a tendency towards idealism, a lack of satisfaction from one’s status and life achievements - all this can lead to overprotection.
Punishment by deprivation of material goods
Do you use this technique - having promised to buy your son or daughter a toy, you take your words back if the child behaves badly? This is what most parents do to achieve obedience from their children. But is this right? Undoubtedly, this method helps to quickly put children in their place, but what motivates them to obey - do they think about the feelings of their father and mother? No, in this situation the child is only concerned with his own benefits. When he gets older, he will understand that it is better to please his parents so as not to be deprived of material goods, and not out of respect for elders. At the same time, the teenager will accumulate his own experiences, resentment, anger and irritation within himself. Never punish children by depriving them of material things, but teach them to respect your feelings, explain why they need to do this and not otherwise.
