How to stop whining, grumbling and complaining: 8 simple tips

Whining is far from the last place in people's lives, and complaints are now found everywhere: in personal conversations, in public places, on forums, in correspondence. The habit of complaining is formed from childhood, therefore, as an adult, solving the problem of how to stop whining over trifles becomes quite difficult.

Whining is considered a behavior style and a way of perceiving problems. Whining people include those people who are not satisfied with themselves or their environment and selfishly constantly demand something from society. The complaints of such people should be taken calmly, since for them the solution to an exciting topic is not important; for them, the discussion of a pressing problem is important. Therefore, it would be advisable not to react to a whining person and not to be influenced by his consumerist attitude towards communication.

It should be remembered that listening to other people's complaints takes away energy. This kind of communication is toxic. The complainer transfers his negativity to another person. Therefore, often a dissatisfied, whining person irritates those around him, to the point that he can cause hatred towards himself. Whining is a very contagious activity, because as soon as one starts complaining, the tendency to despondency can be picked up by the person listening.

How to stop whining if this habit is strong and optimistic views on a person’s life are quite rare. It is important to realize that it is pointless to plunge into hopeless melancholy and complain about life. Whining inherently does not solve anything, and no matter how much a person does it, the cause of dissatisfaction will remain.

Psychologists have found that positively thinking individuals live longer, are more successful in life, and have good social connections. But fans of despondency have a high probability of getting a heart attack, because they are unhappy with everything and often beat themselves up. At first, a person’s whining will be treated with condescension, but then such behavior will cause bewilderment and irritability. Everyone has problems, but others somehow cope on their own, without “draining” their dissatisfaction with life on others.

You can stop whining if a person realizes that his behavior causes irritability and contempt among those around him. Whining is a sign of a weak personality. Such people are avoided and not respected in the team.

How approval addiction develops

Dependence on other people's opinions is one of the manifestations of self-doubt that is formed in childhood.
Insecurity can be described as a lack of support within. A person without support seems to blur, is constantly in limbo - where does confidence come from? Hearing approval from parents at an early age is very important because it shows the child that he is loved, that all his endeavors will be supported, and that the world is welcoming and safe. If . Also, a painful attachment to praise is formed in people who grew up in strict families, where success (for example, in school) was taken for granted, but serious punishment followed for any mistakes

In a family with an authoritarian regime, a child does not receive the feeling of love he needs, which is felt through warmth, tenderness, emotional closeness, even if the parents really love him very much and consider their strictness to be caring - unfortunately, the child does not understand this, he is not yet capable of such a deep analysis.

Also, a painful attachment to praise is formed in people who grew up in strict families, where success (for example, in school) was taken for granted, but any mistakes were met with serious punishment. In a family with an authoritarian regime, a child does not receive the feeling of love he needs, which is felt through warmth, tenderness, emotional closeness, even if his parents really love him very much and consider their strictness to be caring - unfortunately, the child does not understand this, he is not yet capable of such a deep analysis.

How to avoid the formation of such a syndrome in your child if you are a parent? First of all, don't compare him to other kids.

Remember that comparison, if it awakens a sense of competition in him, will only be for your love and attention, and certainly will not make him happy. Learn to listen and hear about his needs, interests, fears and aspirations

Properly celebrate his successes and encourage them. Tell your child about your love, praise him and don’t try to change his innate characteristics - you don’t need to make a mathematician out of an artist, or the life of the party out of a quiet person. Remember that a child’s healthy psyche and stable self-esteem are a much more reliable guarantee of a happy life than meeting someone else’s expectations.

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Why is this dangerous?

A person whose main motivation is the approval of others is very helpless in the face of manipulation. He can be played around with as much as he likes, because for the sake of praise and recognition he is often ready to crumble into pieces and neglect his own interests, even if there is a danger to his health, or even life, at stake.

An obsession with universal recognition does not allow you to hear your true desires or build your goals, because people with such dependence choose a socially approved path, because This is the shortest way to please others. In fact, the intrinsic motivation is to become “good” to your parents. A person who lives a life that is not his own ultimately cannot be happy and experiences difficulties in finding a purpose, choosing a field of activity and building sincere, trusting relationships. Such people are more prone to depression and midlife crisis than others.

Business Communication Department

The best customer audience

I have worked with many clients, and as a result, I try my best to find these specific people.

These are people who “ate shit.” That is, they have already tried to work with other specialists and the customer was not satisfied with the result. Not because the customer wanted to play with fonts, but because the performer was slacking.

Amazing life hack: we exist in a market where you don’t even need to do something outstanding to be in demand. It is enough to just do it normally and more or less on time. Predictable stability in a performer is extremely important.

Customers who have already hit their stride:

They pay normally, without dancing with a tambourine (but, most likely, you will be asked for an agreement).
They give a lot of information when you ask.
They understand that it is impossible to promise 100% results (for example, you cannot promise that a PR article will definitely bring sales or that the client’s website is guaranteed to reach the top of Yandex) and they are quite calm about this.
They do not claim that they know and can do everything. On the contrary, they may admit that they also do not know the answers to all the questions. The main thing that they value is the ability to constantly move towards the intended goal, even with mistakes, but so that there are slightly more successful attempts than mistakes. This is how business works.

I am not afraid to let some clients go for a walk, but I try to explain to them the risks. I remember a busy client with a rather complex topic, who did not want to waste her time on various explanations and bringing me up to date. As a result, I wrote her the following:

It worked and we started collaborating.

Tip: If you also encounter the objection “I can’t spend time training you,” you can say that this information will remain within the company and will be useful. How: Say that you will help package the information into a manual for training new employees and contractors. Almost all companies need this, but almost no one does such manuals.

Example: last year I met with the director of a real estate agency. He talked to me for two hours about his needs, the market, the target audience and competitors. At the end of the meeting, I asked him: “Am I correct in understanding that you will recite this sheet to every new employee or contractor?” He said yes, and he understood that it was unproductive - but he always couldn’t get around to sitting down and putting it all together into a single document.

On the importance of refusal

In fact, this is the only way (a calm refusal if you are not yet satisfied with the conditions) that you can sell something expensive to experienced people.

If your customer has been in business for more than a year and is generally doing well, he is a smart and cunning person. He has better negotiation skills than most consumers and freelancers.

To understand why, just imagine your customer having to negotiate the same way to get paid, only at larger levels. He also meets with his potential client, who objects: “Vladimir Ivanovich, washing an elephant for 6 million, as you propose, is expensive for us. Let's do it for 3 million?"

But if Vladimir Ivanovich knows that none of his competitors will do adequately for 3 million, and knows for sure that if he agrees to this amount, then his company will be in trouble - he gives arguments and convinces the client. And if the client resists, then Vladimir Ivanovich refuses.

They check you in the same way. This is such a business game. The main thing is to refuse without hysteria. Speak calmly:

Sorry, these conditions do not suit me for this reason.
Your project is still interesting to me.
I stay in touch.
When you are ready, I will be glad to return to discussing cooperation.

One more point: if the customer nevertheless “pushed” you a little and you agree to this (for example, you need to receive this order to feed your family), then remember that concessions are a game of two sides.

It is wrong for only one side to make concessions all the time. If you still made a discount, now ask the customer to also meet halfway in something: for example, you agree to his price, but if he transfers the money today.

What customers really like

See the process. A busy man minds his own business. He sometimes breaks away to give you a task and check the result, but one of the main thoughts of this post is that few people constantly like to kick other people

We need to show the customer progress. That there is some movement.

Even if there are mistakes, even if something is imperfect. But when the customer breaks away from his business and comes to you to check “how things are going there,” he should see that the cart has gone a little further than last time. And ideally, you come to report yourself, and do not wait until you are kicked again.

How to stop feeling sorry for yourself

Sometimes it is useful to feel sorry for yourself: it helps to restore strength and gives you the opportunity to think about what you would like your life to be like. However, if you notice that you spend too much time and energy on self-pity, use the following tips:

- during an “attack”, think about actions that can solve the situation without delving into emotions;
- write yourself a letter expressing all possible sympathy. Imagine that many years have passed and you have already dealt with a difficult situation that provokes self-pity. Write a letter from the perspective of this person, that is, yourself in the future;
- bring the situation to the point of absurdity. Try to feel as unhappy as possible, curl up into a ball, start whining and wringing your hands, like Pierrot from the fairy tale “The Golden Key.” Of course, you should only do this if no one can see you. Bringing emotions to the point of absurdity and expressing them on a bodily level will help you cope with your feelings;
- if pity is caused by a specific event, try to work with a psychologist. It will help you understand yourself and cope with psychological trauma.

Finally, don't sit idle. Self-pity often occurs in people who do not know what to do with themselves. Find a hobby, take on a part-time job, communicate more with friends: you simply won’t have time to feel unhappy.

So you can stop feeling sorry for yourself, you just have to figure out where self-pity came from and whether it can contribute to growth and development, or is it purely useless negativity that pulls you into an emotional swamp...

Complete all tasks

Have you been planning to take your tablet to a service center for a year now and have the cracked screen replaced? Do it now or sell this tablet for parts and buy a new one. Make a list of things that have been hanging over your head for a long time, but you still can’t get around to doing them. And, crossing off task after task, complete them as quickly as possible.

Having gotten rid of thoughts like “Oh, I’ll have to do *name of the task*...”, you will feel lighter and more joyful, because you will not have the burden of responsibility for unfulfilled tasks. And for the future, try to do everything at once, and not put it off until later.

Help from a psychotherapist

However, some people, for example, those with increased personal anxiety, need outside help to understand how to stop feeling sorry for themselves and start living without looking back at their past mistakes.

Carefully analyzing literally every day of his life in a conversation with a psychotherapist, a person, as if from the outside, evaluates everything that happened to him, which made him upset and lowered his self-esteem. Only by admitting to yourself that you are excessively compassionate can you move on and fight for mental happiness and peace of mind.

Having analyzed the situation as a whole and individual moments - when a person most wants to feel sorry for himself, the specialist helps to take a fresh look at what is happening, for example, in a game or training form, replacing everything negative with positive ones. Gradually, a person develops the skill not to feel sorry for himself, but to overcome obstacles on the path of life, act and not become discouraged.

A strong will will be an excellent assistant - it can be “trained.” For example, give yourself a task to achieve this or that goal, and then “reward” yourself, as an option - buy a new wardrobe or something delicious for dinner.

Learning something new, “acquiring” an exciting hobby, joining a hobby group, or starting to attend pop dances is another option for switching your thoughts from pity to productive activity.

— How to stop feeling sorry for yourself - instructions for action

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So, if you are serious about overcoming pathological self-pity, then the following simple tips will help you overcome your bad habit.

Tip 1. Admit that you feel sorry for yourself. The most important rule on the path to changing yourself is awareness of your problem. First of all, you have to realize that self-pity has turned into a bad habit that is poisoning your life.

Tip 2. Analyze in what situations you feel sorry for yourself. Having realized that you have a feeling of pathological pity, you will need to track in which situations your feeling manifests itself most strongly.

In any case, you must realize that feeling sorry for yourself at such moments will not make you better or worse, nor will it change the situation as a whole.

Tip 3. Replace negative thoughts. Having realized the presence of pathological pity, and having analyzed the moments of its occurrence, we move on to the next stage - replacement.

As soon as you feel the feeling of self-pity arising, begin to replace it with positive thoughts. For example, tell yourself that you are doing something good for your loved ones not in return for something, but just like that. And that you work not for any awards or medals, but because you like your work.

Once you stop feeling sorry for yourself, you will begin to look at the world from a different angle and will be able to appreciate the reciprocal care of loved ones.

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Eat right

Breakfast is required. And no excuses, teach yourself to eat breakfast. This way you will get a boost of energy for the whole day and get on the path to losing weight. And if you want to skip one of your meals, skip dinner.

Try to eat one vegetable or fruit with each meal. Not that hard, right? Well, your body will thank you for this and delight you with a huge amount of energy.

Don't overeat. Eat more often, but less, so you won't overload your body, and the calories you get from food will be spent evenly, and you will be energetic throughout the day.

Drink water! Not sodas and juices, but plain water. Place a glass of water by your bed in the evening and drink it in the morning as soon as your alarm clock rings. This will help you wake up and feel energized.

The destructive power of self-pity

Of all the emotions that a person experiences, self-pity is considered the most destructive. Moreover, its negative impact is directed not only at himself, but also at everything that surrounds him. In addition, it is this feeling that causes the appearance of negative thoughts that do not lead to anything good. It is worth considering that a person may not be aware that he is experiencing this feeling, but it may well exist autonomously.

If a person has experienced self-pity at least once in his life, then this feeling can subjugate both behavior and consciousness. After a certain time, no external factors will be needed for its manifestation; its source will be a person’s fears, self-doubt and anxiety.

As soon as a person begins to feel sorry for himself, he stops believing in his own strength. This leads to the fact that the individual cannot solve problems or interact effectively with the world, because he is convinced that he is not able to cope with the obstacles and difficult situations that have arisen. Such thoughts make him even weaker, since both the behavior and intentions of the individual depend on them.

Unconscious moments of pity are associated with a person’s experiences that influence his behavior. When important things become irrelevant, a person begins to feel sorry for himself even more. This resembles a vicious circle, from which it is almost impossible to get out.

You need to understand that a person in a state of self-pity is not able to adequately assess his own behavior, as well as control it, so a lot of effort needs to be made in order to move into a state of awareness. However, to combat destructive emotions, you need to learn more about what self-pity is, what its causes are and what its signs are. This will be discussed further.

Learn to forgive

Resentment hangs like a dead weight on us, preventing us from feeling happy and moving on. Finally, let go of old quarrels and forgive those with whom you are offended. Better yet, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and look at the situation through their eyes. Maybe there was nothing to be offended about.

Know how to admit when you are wrong. Standing your ground and proving your own innocence is not a way out of a dispute if you are to blame for the current situation. Tame your pride and learn to admit your guilt.

Constant self-pity

Sometimes self-pity turns into a real emotional swamp. A person simply does not find the time and energy for other feelings: from morning to evening he feels helpless, unhappy, as if trying to pat himself on the head and console him.

This condition is quite rare and may indicate quite serious disorders of the affective sphere.

Often, heightened self-pity indicates the presence of a depressive personality disorder that requires long-term treatment.
Self-pity often arises after a person has suffered a severe traumatic situation.

In this case, negative experiences are considered the norm, although you should not refuse to work with a psychologist either. Be that as it may, if it is self-pity that comes to the fore in personal experiences, it is worth seeking the help of specialists.

Maxim Gorky once said that “pity humiliates a person,” but this is about ineffective pity, when there is no help and sympathy, but only the mournful faces of neighbors and awkward silence.

Although this option suits some...

Someone else's soul - darkness

I will not condemn these people - this is their way of relieving tension, but not everyone is ready to take such a shower and, having shaken themselves up, move on in a good mood.
So learn to say no. And first of all for yourself. Tell yourself: “I am not a handkerchief, not a rag with which you can wipe up the slop and throw it away, I am not a thing!” This is where we will begin our little training - how not to turn into an “emotional toilet” for your interlocutor. Suppose you have already come to the realization that such conversations are unpleasant for you, and there are several techniques on how to prevent a whiner from entering your soul.

— How to change your attitude towards yourself: 5 simple steps

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It is necessary to first understand what factors cause this feeling. There is a great technique for this:

Step 1. Seclude yourself. No one should be nearby - neither family, nor friends, nor acquaintances, nor just passers-by. You can close yourself off from everyone at home, you can go into nature or to a uncrowded park. The main thing is absolute loneliness.

Step 2. Remove all irritants. If loose hair gets in the way, then you need to collect it in a bun or ponytail. If a fly or mosquito is buzzing near your ear, you need to find another place or drive away the pest. It is better to turn off your mobile phone for a while, and put your tablet completely out of sight.

Step 3. Calm down. Everyone has their own ways: drink a cup of herbal tea or a glass of weak red wine, give yourself an acupressure massage or count to ten

It is important to achieve a state of calm and tranquility

Step 4. When the desired state is achieved and nothing interferes, you need to get a blank sheet of paper and a pen. Then divide the sheet into two halves and begin to write down in one column those factors, circumstances and phenomena that cause or fuel self-pity. For example: excess weight, big nose, low wages, lack of friends, unhappy love, etc. The list must be written without haste, thinking about each item and analyzing all aspects of your life.

Step 5. Once all the sorrows and sorrows are put on paper, you can begin filling out the next column. Next to each item, you must indicate the method of elimination. This must be done without thinking about possibilities and prospects, that is, moving away a little, as if we were talking about someone else. For example: excess weight - lose 20 kg, play sports and eat right.

If the list contains difficult items, such as the loss of a loved one or childhood mental trauma, then a visit to a specialist (psychologist) should be indicated in the solutions column. You will get an impressive list of problems and their solutions - this will be an instruction for action called “How to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living.” Now you need to act and carry out what has been written, while the list itself must be saved in order to complete what has been completed and cross out the eliminated irritants with bold lines.

Also read the article “How not to fall into despair.”

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Positive aspects of self-pity

However, self-pity also has a positive aspect. It can allow you to find your true values. How?

To use self-pity for the benefit of your personality, you should understand in what situations you feel this feeling.

Maybe when someone limits your freedom, for example, by forcing you to do seemingly unnecessary things?
Or do you feel a twinge of self-pity every time your spouse says a harsh word to you or behaves differently than you would like?

Observe your emotions: you will notice that pity is “triggered” by certain situations.

This means that this feeling is a kind of beacon that signals that there is a need for change in a certain area of life!

Think about what you would like and in what situation you would feel completely satisfied and satisfied. And start changing your life for the better! For example, talk to your spouse about how you don’t like his behavior, try to find a new job, etc.

Cleaning

Get your home looking its best by spending a day or two doing some deep cleaning. Wash those curtains already, the dust in which has added an extra kilogram to them, clean the dust from under the furniture, get to those hard-to-reach places where you have always been too lazy to go. Overall, make your mom proud by keeping your home clean.

And, yes, wean yourself from the habit of throwing clothes anywhere. Dirty clothes should be in the laundry basket, clean clothes should be in the closet. Dot. There is no need to create fields planted with T-shirts, jeans, shirts and other things. A chair is designed for sitting, not for hanging clothes on. An exercise bike is a thing that people use to keep fit, not as a hanger.

How to stop depending on praise

No matter how difficult childhood is, every person has the power to change his life scenario. Of course, this may require more than one year of deep and diligent work, but the result is a life free from negative attitudes and conventions, where everyone has the power to choose their own future.

Work on your self-esteem

As we have already found out, although this relationship is not direct, as it seems, high self-esteem (stable, adequate) makes a person more conscious, selective and emotionally stable. High self-esteem significantly reduces the risk of developing addiction and the tendency to destructive behavior.

Track when the pattern is activated

Be aware, if possible, every time you engage in a habitual pattern of behavior in order to gain approval. Of course, this is not so simple and will not come right away, but if you feel habitual discomfort, give yourself time to recognize it and live with it.

Find sources of support

The most difficult task for those who did not feel in childhood that the world is a safe place, and that there are always parents on whom you can rely in your difficulties, is to build within yourself this support necessary for a happy life. If you are one of these people, don’t despair, you are not alone. Parenting models of the past often did not take into account the child's feelings and did not place the individual at the center. Now you have the opportunity to change everything. Remember your successes, connect to something higher that you believe in, talk to friends, do work.

Hear your inner voice

And if not symptomatically, but deeper - what is this about for you? Why did this addiction appear, how does it bother you? Perhaps this is a signal that it’s time to start internal work, change something in your life, turn away from the usual direction? Any difficulties on our way appear for a reason, and even if at first you are overwhelmed by a feeling of injustice, after years you will turn around and be glad that everything happened as it happened - everything will fall into place. Hear yourself, renew this lost childhood connection with your needs, your inner world. It is this inner voice that tells us how to become happy. The subconscious always leads the best path, but if you don’t hear it, it comes up with all sorts of sophisticated methods to reach you...

There must be balance in everything - praise and approval are important in relationships, and sometimes only they can support us on the thorny path of life. You shouldn’t block your innate sentimentality or be ashamed of your vulnerability - loved ones should be there for you in difficult times

At the same time, it is important to get rid of destructive patterns of behavior and pave your way to a happy, free life. Breathe deeply and be free in your choice!

How to discourage such an interlocutor without spoiling the relationship?

When the whiner dies inside...

When the whiner dies inside, And doesn’t care what the flock says, When you are your own first critic, The crown holds on like a glove. Zlatentsia Zolotova

One option is to sympathize and be indecently detailed and sympathetic
.

Did your “friend” catch you and complain about your health? Aah, lament, notice that she really doesn’t look well. Come up with a couple of accompanying symptoms that may “come out” soon, advise her to a good doctor. Be persistent and obsessive, don't let her go when she tries to escape.

In fact, there are many ways, there is a “reverse” method.

About 10 years ago I noticed how it was used on me.
It was like this: back in the year two thousand, at a tournament in no matter what sport, I met a friend whom I had not seen for a long time. We performed in different categories, but that didn’t stop me from unleashing a wave of negativity on him. And the recent illness, and injury, and the unresponsiveness of trainers and the cost of master classes, all the heavy artillery was put into action. This did not last long, as soon as I allowed a small pause in the conversation, I learned that everything was fine with my friend. Well, this is not life, but a fairy tale. You can thank God every day for such a life, and his training is fun and easy, injuries heal without leaving a trace, and his partners amaze with their loyalty and hard work, the trainers are true professionals, and the yoghurts in the stores are exceptionally fresh.

After such a rebuke, of course, I didn’t have the feeling that I was a complete loser, but the feeling of envy “gnawed” seriously. Since then I've been doing great, and, you know, here we are killing two dogs with one brick. And there is no place for whiners next to us, and the world is filled with new colors, because it is easy to believe in your luck and exclusivity, and by believing and going out into the world in a good mood, it is easy to make the world a little better.

Causes of self-pity

Selfishness within reasonable limits is a completely organic phenomenon for any person. Anyone who does not respect and value himself will never become a worthy representative of society in the eyes of society. However, in some cases, a person is overtaken by such a misfortune as an excessive feeling of self-pity.

The causes of the problem may lie in the following factors:

Excessive demands on reality. Life is a complex process that often cannot be adjusted. In this case, you can often find whiners who simply dissolve in self-pity. All objects existing in the Galaxy are to blame for their troubles. In this case, the countdown must begin from the microbes and bacteria that had the audacity to penetrate the whiner’s body. Further claims are made to the guilty Supreme Intelligence, who dared to interfere in the whiner’s life. It is very difficult to communicate with such people, because when talking with them you can hear a huge amount of negative and unnecessary information.

Hypochondria. In this case, I immediately remember the giraffe Melman from the famous animated film “Madagascar”, who was sick with literally everything. The suspiciousness of people of this type sometimes turns into a mania for persecution by all kinds of misfortunes. A hypochondriac man will not find only signs of pregnancy (and that’s not a fact!), and a woman with such a character will only be calm about the absence of prostatitis in her body. At the same time, self-pity is so overwhelming that it’s time to seek help from a competent psychotherapist.

Dependence on other people's opinions. Only a cowardly or hypocritical person can deny the obvious fact that society is sometimes extremely cruel towards some subjects. Another question is how the victim of condemnation relates to such a fact. There are such shocking, self-confident people who don’t care about gossip and criticism. However, at the same time, a legion of suspicious and weak-willed people suffer nearby. For them, the opinion of others is a verdict that is beyond doubt. Self-pity in this case is of a hidden nature, so as not to give rise to additional ridicule from the persecutors.

“End of the tunnel” situation. It's hard not to start feeling sorry for yourself if fate has smacked you in the face. In this case, people react to the problems that arise in different ways. This only turns the rebels on, giving them a reason for a new fight with fate. A person with a more lethargic life position launches a program of strict self-analysis, which gives him all the parameters for self-flagellation. After the destruction of his own “I,” such an individual begins to feel sorry for himself, complaining about the universal disharmony in relation to such a wonderful person.

Betrayal from loved ones. Sometimes this happens solely in the head of someone who begins to feel sorry for himself. For example, let's take two literary characters: Arthur Burton (Gadfly) and the Count of Monte Cristo. Both are rebels with an unhappy fate, which was changed by both people and circumstances. The situations are different, because Gadfly, with the imaginary betrayal of his beloved Gemma, was offended by the whole world. Edmond Dantes (Count of Monte Cristo) took a different path, taking revenge on his real offenders and not becoming a victim of self-pity. Consequently, everyone reacts differently to the fact of betrayal by people significant to them.

Manipulation of loved ones. Most likely, this is the most unpleasant cause of self-pity. The fact is that either experienced provocateurs or selfish people to the core do this kind of thing. There are rare cases when vulnerable and insecure people feel sorry for themselves at the expense of their loved ones.

It is very important for them to show themselves weak and defenseless in this world full of dangers. If we formulate the problem more briefly, it looks like a diagram: I am good - you are strong - danger - I feel sorry for myself - help, because I am good.

How to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living fully?

Since self-pity negatively affects both the psyche and physical well-being, this bad habit must also be destroyed in two directions.

On a mental level, you must do the following.

At the very first stage, it is imperative to admit that the problem of excessive pity exists. As long as you deny it, you will not be able to change yourself and your life for the better.
Next, you should come to terms with the fact that you are not unique in the Universe. That is, of course, you are one and only. But you live in the same environment as other people. Therefore, from time to time unpleasant things will happen to you, because this is the law of existence.
Remove such a concept as “highest justice” from your worldview. She doesn't exist, never existed and never will. Deal with it and forget about her.
Try to think of yourself as a very strong person. Judge for yourself. If so many misfortunes have befallen you and you are still alive, then you have something to respect yourself for. This way you can develop a sense of self-esteem and increase your self-esteem. Namely, high self-esteem is the main tool that helps get rid of self-pity.
Be grateful for what you have. Even if you have very little. You still have something. For example, you have Internet access. Think about how incredibly lucky you are to have been born in the age of electronic technology, and not in the Stone Age. How much easier and more enjoyable your life is.

To teach yourself to be grateful for what you have, do this simple exercise for at least a month.

Every morning, write down on a piece of paper (you need to write it by hand, not type it on a computer or just say it in your head) 5 points of what you are grateful for in the world today. Try to find these 5 positive things. They can be anything: good weather or aromatic coffee.

Now let's talk about how to behave physically in the process of getting rid of feelings of self-pity.

Fitness and healthy eating. These recommendations have already set everyone's teeth on edge. But without following these rules, it will be extremely difficult to raise self-esteem and improve your overall mental state. Charity

This is a very important area of work to get rid of self-pity. Firstly, it gives you the opportunity to clearly see what is worse for many than you.

Secondly, it greatly increases self-esteem. Moreover, as a charity, it is better to choose not the path of donations, but the path of real physical assistance to those in need. Proper management of your finances. Lack of money often becomes a reason for self-pity. But, in addition to the fact that there may be an objective lack of funds, there is also an imaginary lack. That is, when there is not enough money simply because it is spent incorrectly. Try to find a hobby that will require you to increase your social circle. It is very important to increase your social circle, and not to find something to do like knitting in a corner, which will only reduce your already, one can confidently say, low social activity. Force yourself to step out of your comfort zone daily or at least weekly. Do something that is difficult for you.

Don't expect that once you start following all the recommendations listed, your life will change overnight. No. It will not happen. But if you are persistent and consistent, changes will come, you will stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living for real.

Conclusion

Self-pity is an extremely destructive feeling that not only leads to mental discomfort, but also causes physical health problems.
If you really want to feel sorry for yourself, then don’t feel sorry for yourself “dry”. Cry. This way you will cause yourself less harm.
To get rid of the feeling of chronic self-pity, you need to reconsider your view of the world and begin to lead a more active life.

Stop blaming yourself

A woman found money and a nice message in an egg tray.

I only wash dishes with a homemade product: it’s gentle and doesn’t dry out your hands.

Unusual angle: photos of the Northern Lights appeared on the Internet

Everyone has heard about the negativity that is generated when a person reprimands himself. However, few people realize how often they think about themselves in a negative way, scold themselves and blame themselves for some problem. If you start blaming and scolding yourself, stop by any means necessary. If you think, “God, I look terrible,” it won’t do anyone any good, even if you’re only saying it to yourself. Of course, it is very difficult to cope with this, especially on those days when you actually feel terrible, but if you can still force yourself to think about something positive, you will notice that you will feel much better.

What does it mean to feel sorry for yourself?

We all feel sorry for ourselves

or to achieve such pity from others. Remember when you were a child? Mom said >, and you ran to her, without even really understanding what happened, what you felt and why. Mom blew on her broken knee, and it seemed to begin to hurt less.

So why feel sorry for yourself

Is it bad as an adult?

According to clinical psychologist Alice Galac, it is worth distinguishing between concepts such as self-pity

and compassion. > person: unlucky, stupid, ugly. When we think of ourselves this way, we get stuck on how bad things are and don’t look for solutions to problems. Complainants are always in the position of a helpless victim who is dealt with by fate, says the expert.

As the expert notes, feel sorry for yourself

- the position is infantile. Usually such people feel very weak and insecure. They either expect others to solve their problems, or, in principle, are not ready to do anything about what they are not happy with. >,” the expert notes.

According to the specialist, the need to feel sorry for oneself and receive pity from others is formed in childhood. As a rule, such people grow up in an atmosphere of emotional coldness or rejection. Parents in these families do not praise the child for successes, do not notice them, do not support them after failures, or, on the contrary, are overprotective, broadcasting: >. Naturally, growing up, such a person is not able to believe in his own strength, take credit for his successes, or support himself independently. He grows up with the need to rely on someone stronger, smarter, who will take pity and decide everything for him. >,” adds Alisa Galatz.

According to the psychologist, feeling compassion for yourself is much more constructive. It does not take away your resources and opportunities for active action. >, says Alisa Galatz.

Totally negative

However, many people who have things going much like Loke do find things to complain about. Ask anyone how they're doing on any given day of the week, and chances are you'll hear one of the classic answers: "Too busy at work," "Just super tired," or "I wish this week would be over already." !” It feels like complaints about being busy, tired, nervous, and so on have become the hallmark of a successful adult life. Of course, Loke admits that she herself sometimes looks at the glass as half empty. After a carefree childhood, she had school and university, which she went through with a slight but pervasive feeling of anxiety. It never affected her too much, but the feeling was always there, creeping into her thoughts and making her think about what was wrong with her life, keeping her from dwelling on the things that were okay.

Main differences

What is the difference between pity and compassion?

First of all, because there is strength in compassion, while in the second feeling it is absent. A compassionate person is always ready to be there, even if he cannot help. Even just being present is an indicator that the situation, no matter how difficult it may seem, can be endured. When you have a reliable shoulder, there will certainly be a way out. It is healing even in situations that seem hopeless. Let's say a person is on the verge of death. The situation is clear - there is no salvation in sight, but those who sympathize with him will still not leave. Showing love has a healing effect on the soul. Pity is a powerless, sticky and cloudy feeling. Compassion is characterized by activity and wisdom. It always seeks a balance between accepting, letting go and taking action. Many areas of Buddhism, for example, prescribe the development of certain qualities in oneself. This religion proceeds from the fact that every person initially has a lot inherent in him. You can become a victim of circumstances, or you can successfully cope with them

The main thing is to make the right choice. Pity does not contain sympathy, but in compassion it is present, prompting one to help another in overcoming his suffering. The key difference between these feelings is that one is destructive and the other is constructive. Pity is related exclusively to regret, and compassion is aimed at providing assistance in overcoming the current unenviable circumstances. Another important difference is the feeling of leniency. It always follows pity

But his compassion is deprived, the other person is perceived at the same level, not lower. Pity is characterized by isolation, and compassion by integrity. People who are pitied do not get anything good from it, and continue to remain victims. This attitude does no good to anyone. Being poor and unhappy is a road to nowhere. By feeling sorry for someone, a person plunges him even deeper into darkness and misfortune. This behavior is a kind of message of the image of inferiority. People who are pitied get used to being weak and can remain inactive for a long time. Often, drastic measures must be taken to overcome bad circumstances. But why do this if it’s easier to be poor and unhappy. People who feel sorry for themselves happily share the existing burden with others - this is an effective way to shift responsibility for their own actions and actions, to demand understanding and attention. The distinctive feature of compassion lies in the fact that it comes from the depths of the soul. This feeling makes it possible to look at others without shuddering or emotion, and to always remain calm. True compassion is not an emotional experience, caring for a loved one - it is the perception of the suffering of others on a spiritual level, accepting them as they are. By being compassionate, you can calm the suffering person and take on his pain. To empathize means to be in the place of someone who has to suffer. Regret is realizing that a person is in trouble, but at the same time feeling relieved that this did not happen to you. Compassion is characterized by activity; it pushes one to search for ways that can reduce suffering - not just to console and pretend that “everything is fine” when in reality it is not, but to find a way out of the current circumstances. A compassionate person does not separate himself from the world around him and feels absolute equality before everyone. Compassion is a higher feeling; it stimulates avoidance of suffering, and pity only increases it.

Brake lights

To understand whether the cause of all troubles in life is really self-pity, it is enough to answer a few simple questions:

Are all those trials and tribulations that always fall on your head deserved?
Is life fair and does it give everyone a chance to succeed?
Tomorrow everything will change and the world will become a better place?
Is no one to blame for what is happening?
Are old grievances and difficult situations long forgotten and no one remembers them?
Do people around you have much more serious problems?

If the answer to at least a few questions is negative, then you urgently need to tell yourself “stop” and find a way to stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself. Any doubts? Then we re-read the clause about consequences and think about everything carefully again.

Start playing sports

To your question “Why?” We have several answers at once:

You will have more energy
Your mood will be better
Your health will be better
Your figure will be better
Your mind will become sharper
You will sleep better

And these are not all the advantages that sport will give you. So stop being lazy and start training. If you feel like you don't have the energy to workout, just start it and you'll be surprised how much energy you'll have.

Training for... optimists!

Whiners don't turn into beaming optimists on Mondays. Not on the first days of vacation, not on birthdays!

Because for a person who spent 20 (30, 40...) years looking for flaws in the whole world, such an instant transformation would be equal to the miracle of turning water into wine!

To stop complaining about life, you need to work on yourself - tedious and not at all quick.

It's akin to quitting smoking or biting your nails. By the way, some methods for re-educating the “whiner in yourself” are similar to those used for smokers and even alcoholics!

Here are a few ways to stop complaining about life from Beautiful and Successful:

Symbol method

Choose a symbol object that will clearly indicate the bad habit of complaining about life circumstances.

Set a deadline in which you are going to completely get rid of this habit (don’t make it easy on yourself - nothing will happen in a few days!): for example, a month.

And now your test begins.

Every time you can’t restrain yourself and make others “happy” with another complaint, take out a symbol object (for example, a lace) and make some changes to it (in the example with the lace, tie a knot in it).

This means that an additional “penalty” day has been added to the probation period.

But if it happens that you consciously restrain yourself and instead of complaining, notice something positive around you, reward yourself by untying one knot and “writing off” one day!

This technique will work if you don't cheat! In order not to start feeling sorry for yourself, tell someone close to you about your plans, who could at least partially control your actions.

Mental Explanation Method

Most (if not all) people have a habit of having a “mental dialogue” with an imaginary interlocutor.

For example, it is on this “invisible friend” that we pour out the entire stream of our dissatisfaction and complaints about life: some fat man pushed him painfully on the bus, the boss did not notice the excellent work, and the scrambled eggs were burnt, and because of this the husband grumbled!

But try telling this imaginary listener explanations that atone for the guilt of your offenders.

For example, the fat guy on the bus doesn’t have a girlfriend, so he feels lonely and is somehow trying to attract attention to himself. The boss, quite possibly, caught a cold and came to work with a fever, so as not to abandon the work he started - where can one delve into the work of each subordinate? My husband grumbled because he was already used to your fantastic breakfasts! And so on…

And so on…

The main rule is don’t say your complaint out loud until you come up with such an explanation!

There is no doubt that soon you will stop complaining about life, because your “mental interlocutor” is your own subconscious!

Glass dome method

This mental training is useful for people who tend to take a large number of events, even minor ones, “to heart” and “digest” them for a long time.

If you consider yourself to be such sensitive people, try in every exciting situation to imagine that there is a solid glass dome above you.

Offensive words addressed to you, irritation and bad moods of other people do not penetrate through it - you are free to “let in” only those impressions and emotions that you yourself consider necessary.

Just don’t get too carried away with this technique, so as not to become a “thing in itself”!

And in order to stop complaining about life, you need to cultivate another, opposite skill: to find something good in life.

For example, buy a camera and carry it with you wherever you go - you will definitely start to find small miracles that are just asking to be photographed!

If the people with whom you have to communicate are annoying, set the task of finding those with whom communication will be interesting.

Don't you like rain? Buy fashionable rubber boots - bad weather will be a reason for a fashion show!

The women's site Beautiful and Successful will gladly suggest more ways to make yourself happier!

In general, life is wonderful - no matter who tries to say otherwise!

—— Author – Dasha Blinova, website www.sympaty.net – Beautiful and Successful

Psychology Department

How to meet the right people and build a portfolio

All the coolest offers and orders on the market change hands only through “warm” acquaintances (thanks again, Captain Obvious!). Few people like to communicate with strangers once again.

Hiring in general is not always a pleasant thing: candidates come with different expectations, and you still don’t know what kind of people they are, whether you will work well together and what skeletons they have in their closets. Some candidates then throw a tantrum in one form or another if they are not hired.

In addition, employers and customers have a limited amount of “hard drive” in their heads. When a person has a family, a lot of work and other interests, he does not remember all the possible contractors from his acquaintances. And he remembers those people who often catch his eye.

In the end, what should we do?

Step one: feed of interesting people

Then write down the profiles of people you are interested in: opinion leaders, representatives of companies you would like to work for, customers you are interested in.

And such a feed with “the right people” is already a sufficient minimum. If you view it regularly, you will see advertisements, vacancies, and cooperation offers. This will increase the chances of being “available at the right time.”

You can also set priority for display to the desired profiles. Their news will be the first to appear in your feed.

Step two: getting to know each other and developing relationships

There will be several theses that are useful for understanding, and then practice.

A good and logical question: “Damn, everyone is so cool, how do you get to know them?”

A few years ago, I was greatly impressed by Michael Ellsberg’s book “The Millionaire Without a Degree” (despite the title, it is not about the information business). There is a good block about social relationships.

Michael explains that almost no one has harmony in three areas at once - money, relationships and health. And, for example, there are quite real cases when a wealthy and socially successful person experiences some difficulties in relationships and just wants to talk to someone.

In reality, even cool and famous specialists are also people with doubts and fears. They don't know something either.

It’s especially funny when stories like ours happen with Pavel Molyanov, the admin of the popular group “Overheard Copywriting” and co-founder of the “Let’s Do” agency:

At one time, when I realized this, I even had a kind of crisis of faith. I practically hated some people because they turned out to be not such celestial beings as they looked before we met (fortunately, that later passed).

Buy advertising Disable

You will never know if a person will communicate with you until you try. It's better to try than to be afraid. I guarantee that some people about whom you have already fantasized in your head “He’s definitely

will not talk to me or cooperate with me,” will greatly surprise you.

Step three: the practical part, how to get acquainted (and here we’re talking about developing a portfolio)

Ask for advice honestly and calmly. As a rule, many self-realized people are happy to share their experiences.

This is what I wrote to Mikhail:

And I received the answer:

Then I asked him something else a couple of times about the case or asked for advice, he answered quite normally. I also communicated with other people this way.

My appeals to people (in the screenshots) are not a standard, you are free to write as you think is correct. Just show the person that you have considered what he is saying and heard his point of view.

Ask how you can help or offer to help. All successful people are busy and don't get a lot done. They are always happy to help in at least some form.

You can view the feed and respond to some advertisement for help. Or you can choose a person or project that interests you and contact them yourself. This way you can at least build up a portfolio. And the maximum is to get a good job and meet new people.

The RuNet market is actually very tight, if you don’t touch the level of exchanges, but focus on the Facebook segment of medium-sized businesses. Almost all people know each other or are within a couple of touches of each other.

A recommendation from a recognizable project or person is a very good thing. And this is the principle of compensation for your help accepted by many: “I don’t have much money now to pay for your work, but I will be happy to promote you.”

Step Four: What I Mean by “Develop Relationships”

Now there is a very large information flow, people physically do not have time to view and read everything. If you know what your friend is interested in, you can periodically send him interesting links, educational materials, and so on.

When you see some useful opportunity that would be useful to your friend, again, write to him in a personal message or tag him. For example, this may be a vacancy that suits him. Or a media journalist is looking for heroes for a story - and your friend is just the right fit.

Introduce people who can be useful to each other. Very cool topic!

Try to have coffee with this person offline. The famous advertiser and conference organizer Dmitry Rumyantsev wrote about the benefits of offline dating:

Final advice: you need to be sincere. People usually understand when someone comes to them strictly on business, but they try to pretend that it is friendship. It hurts.

And if there is no time and (or) desire to develop relationships, write a clear and understandable business proposal. This is already a very cool thing that is rarely found and thus has great value.

If you need help writing business proposals, check out my article about.

Why do we tend to regret the past?

Our smaller brothers do not know how to regret the past. But we can. Because our psyche is much more complex. We know how to mentally transport ourselves into the past and harp on and harp on the same events over and over again. Moreover, we do not harp on the facts themselves, but on our ideas about them.

The picture of the world that we create in our heads is subject to the influence of so-called cognitive distortions - natural properties of our mind, inherent in every person, and responsible for the deviation of the emerging model of reality from reality itself. Regret is a consequence of these very distortions.

However, we can not only detect these distortions, but also eliminate them. More on this a little later. In the meantime, let's look at the distortions that are responsible for our regrets about the past.