Quarrels over trifles: how to avoid? 05 June 2013, 00:00 | Katya Kozhevnikova
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Quarrels are a nasty thing. Especially because they have a habit of growing and reproducing at an incredible rate . It seems they had a fight over untidy socks or unwashed dishes, but in the process they said so many interesting things to each other that they practically closed their path to reconciliation. How often do partners get offended at each other and don’t talk for a long time, not because of the subject of the quarrel itself, but because of what was said during the process. But it all started because of some little thing. Let's think about how to avoid these unpleasant little things and prevent them from growing and multiplying.
Why do we constantly quarrel?
What do constant quarrels mean? Are they talking about serious problems in the relationship? Not always, reassures psychologist Maria Pugacheva . The reason may be in the characters and temperaments of the partners. If they are both accustomed to setting aside their rights, expressing themselves and controlling any matter, minor clashes cannot be avoided.
“However, oddly enough, such an alliance can be very strong, because each of them actually values the strength, brightness and pressure of both themselves and their partner, and is not particularly worried about such a situation. As a rule, in such quarrels, bright negative emotions are thrown off one by one, and then the same bright positive emotions are experienced together, which immediately cover up all the bad things,” the psychologist explained.
But there are other situations when deep discontent lies behind a minor quarrel . For example, a wife nags her husband for an unclosed tube of toothpaste, but in fact she doesn’t like that he doesn’t help at all around the house. Or she makes a scandal because her husband returned late from work, although in fact she worries that he pays little attention to her. In such cases, minor quarrels are symptoms of more serious problems that need to be dealt with so that the relationship does not deteriorate completely .
There is also a very sad situation - when love has ended in a couple, and people begin to openly irritate each other.
Look to the root
Think about whether there is a deeper reason for your constant quarrels . Not a small thing, but a major dissatisfaction that does not allow you to sleep peacefully and behave in a friendly manner. Analyze your feelings and ask your partner to do the same, and then calmly discuss the accumulated problems.
This will most likely not be easy . I still remember with horror the most difficult conversations that began with the words of my young man: “Now tell me what fundamentally doesn’t suit you about me.” But, since that young man later became my husband, we can assume that they were still quite effective. When all the problems are clear and discussed, it will become clear how to solve them, what can be changed, and what will have to be accepted.
“Perhaps it will be possible to reach an agreement through some compromises: “I close my eyes to this and that in your behavior, and you do not find fault with me on this and that issue.” Peace in the family can be restored if the spouses come to the conclusion that they are dearer to each other than anger over shortcomings. But it may also happen that the only right decision is separation. At least this way everyone will have a chance to find a truly happy and harmonious relationship, and not suffer for the rest of their lives,” says Maria Pugacheva.
How to avoid?
But even if trivial quarrels do not have a serious underlying cause, they can really ruin the mood. Let's think about how to avoid them. Maria Pugacheva assures that simply holding back emotions is not the best way out. “This will only worsen the situation and make the relationship more and more tense,” says the psychologist.
But you shouldn’t “pour” them on your partner either. Maria Pugacheva advises not to show emotions, but to talk about them . “If you calmly and kindly explain to your “other half” what you don’t like about him and describe your emotions, this will be a powerful incentive for him to change for the better. At the same time, you must definitely list a couple of those traits for which you love and respect him . And if you show emotions - get offended and raise your tone, then you will only achieve exactly the same defensive response, and the matter will not move forward,” the psychologist explained.
I will add a number of techniques that allow you to end a trifling quarrel before it begins. All tips are self-tested.
- Before you speak (or rather, shout), slowly count to ten. It's a banality, of course, but it works. After all, the first reaction is usually the most emotional and rarely the most thoughtful.
- Find out when you and your loved one have “bad” and “good” hours, do not start any discussions during the “bad” ones. At different times of the day we can be more or less vulnerable. It depends on various factors. Some are better left alone in the morning, others in the evening, some react sharply to everything when they are hungry, and almost everyone snaps if they are very busy. For example, the hardest time for me is morning. If I am hurt at this moment, the reaction can be unpredictable: I can cry, scream, or even throw something. My husband realized this a long time ago and only makes fun of me, calling me a “morning monster.” But it is not suitable for serious problems.
- Together with your partner, come up with some kind of signal to end the quarrel. For example, a funny word or phrase - bombina kurgudu, kvakozyabra or anti-sausage. If during a quarrel someone utters a conditional word, it means: “that’s it, time out, I’m starting to get excited, we’ll discuss the problem later.”
- Turn the conversation into a joke . Humor generally greatly extinguishes anger. Sometimes I try to continue to be angry in such situations, but a treacherous smile creeps onto my face against my will. At the same time, I remember how much I love my husband for his sense of humor.
- Speak in a whisper . The main problem with quarrels is that they are a vicious circle. You raise your voice, your husband raises it, you raise it even more... and so on. As a result, both scream and no one hears each other . Try to behave exactly the opposite - speak more quietly. The partner will have to listen, and he will unconsciously also switch to a whisper. But it’s quite difficult to swear seriously in such a tone.
Have you ever encountered such a problem in a relationship? How do you prevent quarrels?
Katya Kozhevnikova , etoya.ru
Why do couples fight?
Spouses are not relatives, but people raised in different conditions and cultural traditions. Life priorities passed on by parents remain in a person’s soul for life. During a period of ardent passion for each other, passion obscures the eyes, and lovers do not notice any flaws.
Everything changes when the first delight wears off. Adult individuals already have an established worldview and established habits. Often the basis for building new relationships is the example of parents.
It seems surprising to young people that a different distribution of roles in life is possible than the one to which they have become accustomed since childhood.
And misunderstanding or complete ignoring of requirements can cause dissatisfaction, comments and poorly restrained anger in the husband or wife.
Irritation accumulates in a person’s soul, so sooner or later a release of emotions occurs, and constant quarrels become inevitable.
Serious reasons to argue with your husband
How a man was raised in the family is important for family well-being. If a person lived on everything ready-made, then he did not learn to work.
Such husbands place increased demands on their spouses, but at the same time find many excuses for their inactivity. If a husband has been instilled with a feeling of superiority over the entire world around him, then it will not be surprising that he will begin to look at his wife as a domestic servant.
He will not try to improve the home. Spoiled mama's boys are not only not inclined to do physical housework, they cannot even attract professionals for this.
It often happens that a man’s laziness and narcissism prevent him from earning a decent living. Then quarrels with my husband become constant. The woman first tries, through persuasion or persuasion, to remind her husband of the family duty and with all her might to attract him to joint management of the household.
But a man can justify inaction by the subtlety of his nature, unrealized talents, poor health, etc. The wife will wait and hope for a long time, but in the end she will understand that her husband is incorrigible. The woman's accumulated dissatisfaction develops into anger. This leads to continuous scandals and even divorce.
The unpreparedness of young parents for life's difficulties at the birth of a child can also become a cause of constant family conflicts. The fragile woman has not yet recovered from her first birth and it is physically difficult for her to take care of the baby alone.
Any protest or refusal of a man to help causes tears and indignation in his wife.
The release of uncontrolled aggression in the family is also caused by the constant drunkenness of one of the spouses. A person in such a state cannot control his emotions, and the atmosphere in the house becomes tense.
Too domineering behavior of a husband or wife, suppression of initiative or a complete lack of gratitude from some side also leads to constant scandals. Regular small affairs of the husband, lies and spending the family budget on gambling or meeting with friends will cause outbursts of anger in the wife.
Reconciliation with your spouse
If a scandal still cannot be avoided, you need to wait until the emotions subside, and only then begin to improve the relationship. During a lull, each spouse comprehends what happened and begins negotiations prepared.
Taking the first step is difficult, especially for men. They believe that this is unworthy of them, so it is usually the woman who begins the reconciliation. But if she alone is to blame, then she even more needs to start a dialogue herself.
If a man has no desire to enter into a showdown, it is necessary to postpone the conversation. By starting to put pressure on him, you can provoke a scandal with even greater force. Having realized that your spouse has calmed down and is ready for dialogue, it is recommended to speak to him as many kind words as possible, gently touch his body, stroke and kiss him. Such actions will relieve tension and set you up for friendly communication.
If your spouse is silent and avoids making contact for several days or weeks, you can arrange a surprise for him. To do this, you can remember all his hobbies, think about what he definitely can’t resist, and implement them. The first thing that comes to mind is the idea of entertaining him with hot sex in bed, wearing new underwear. However, this method is unsuccessful. The spouse will agree to a new experiment, but after sex the anger will return.
A romantic dinner would be a good surprise for reconciliation. You can choose any place, turn on calm music. A declaration of love, regret about the scandal that occurred and the desire to fix everything and forget will affect a man.
Subsequently, you need to be more often interested in the affairs and mood of your spouse. Perhaps something is bothering him and he needs attention and support. It is more pleasant for him to hear words of love instead of reproaches about unwashed dishes.
Rules of conduct during a scandal
There are no ideal families. But women should also reconsider their behavior if they fight with their husband every day. Perhaps you need to extinguish your anger in time, and listen to your spouse’s reproaches in silence and without unnecessary emotions.
There is usually some truth in harsh words.
A man in the heat of the moment shouts out what has accumulated in his soul. If you are outraged by his words and you “explode” in response, you will only add fuel to the fire.
A minor quarrel will develop into a scandal, from which both people will emerge devastated and with a sense of their own righteousness. Behind the loud shouts, people will not hear each other and will not try to understand the interlocutor. Thus, step by step they will move away from each other, withdraw into themselves more often, stop communicating and openly talk about their discontent.
You should be especially wary if your husband allows himself to swear during a conflict. This means that his attitude towards his wife has deteriorated so much that he has completely stopped respecting her and is not shy in his expressions.
Analysis of the results of a quarrel
After you have jointly found the cause of the quarrel, it is important to analyze it. This requires a frank conversation between two loving people. Listen to your wife's opinion. Don't show that you are right about everything. Selfishness often prevents you from establishing good relationships and avoiding conflict in the future. To clarify the situation, tell your wife about what you are not happy with in your married life. The main condition for such a conversation is calm and respect for each other.
If you give in to your significant other in something, then you will show yourself as a wise man, and a woman will always appreciate such behavior. It would be better to agree on certain rules for the future. The basis of such rules should be your mutual understanding with your wife. Agree that one of you who breaks the rules will suffer a comic punishment. If you fulfill a few simple conditions that you agree on, you will quarrel with your wife much less often. Subsequently, you will learn to argue rather than quarrel.
How to get out of quarrels correctly
First of all, we must try not to accumulate resentment in our souls, not to suffer from pangs of pride, but to analyze the causes of conflicts. Maybe frequent quarrels arise over very minor reasons.
If your husband is dissatisfied with your appearance or ability to cook, then this is not at all difficult to fix. Go to a cosmetologist, come up with new recipes for dishes, replace your dressing gown with comfortable but beautiful clothes, and the man’s trivial nagging will disappear. He himself will answer you with gratitude and offer all possible help.
Under no circumstances accumulate your complaints against your partner in your memory in order to express them at the right opportunity. Cool down and talk to your husband in a calm tone, but at the same time support your reproaches with specific life examples: a man does not always know how to think abstractly and quickly forgets his mistakes.
But it happens that a woman quarrels with her husband because she is deprived of basic signs of attention from him. Don't expect a man to change instantly; he is less romantic by nature. Offer him a way out of the crisis - go on vacation together, take a walk in the park, go to the cinema or theater. New impressions and a change of scenery will refresh your senses and fill your soul with gratitude.
Psychologist's advice
To reduce the number of family quarrels, psychologists advise to look into and understand why they arise and for what reason. You definitely need to learn to listen and hear what your opponent says, as well as respond to him. It is important to discuss problems and grievances.
You should talk with your husband not only when the conflict is discussed, but also on any other topics. To do this, you need to make efforts and expand your horizons.
At the moment of an outburst of rage, the advice of a psychologist recommends counting to ten. During this time, you can become aware of your anger and prevent uttering hurtful words. You should also learn to relax: do yoga, meditation. Harmonious women in a state of peace are able to extinguish their husband’s rage.
READ Open relationships: all the pros and cons
Family quarrels occur for many reasons - serious and minor. Knowing how to behave during conflict can help you avoid serious relationship disruptions. In order to preserve love and marriage, both partners must work on themselves.
What to do if your husband left because of scandals
If the family breaks up, then both spouses are to blame. You should not stop your husband, cry and humiliate yourself, this will only increase his irritation. Remember that you now have more free time: you no longer have to look after your spouse and listen to his comments.
Take advantage of the temporary respite to recall in detail all past conflicts. Their comprehensive analysis will give you the opportunity to understand family problems and draw conclusions about why you had to constantly argue with your husband and what was the main reason for the breakup.
If your spouse still loves you, then unobtrusively continue communicating with him. You don't have to make a phone call to do this. You can post interesting facts from your life on your social media page and rejoice in the successes of your common children. Be sure that the spouse will soon forget mutual grievances, will remember only happy moments and will regret breaking up with such a good wife.
If your husband returns to the family, then never reproach him for past sins. There is a good chance that he has rethought his behavior and will want to make you a little happier. But don’t be afraid of possible loneliness: a calm, interesting and self-confident woman will always have contenders for her hand and heart.
How not to jump from topic to topic when talking.
To be interesting to your husband, you need to be able to have an interesting and exciting conversation. Have interesting topics of conversation that will be attractive not only to her, but also to her husband. It is important when talking not to jump from topic to topic, to be able to close it correctly
Let's learn: It is very useful to talk with your family over lunch or dinner. Each family member has a task: prepare an interesting topic for conversation. While eating we ask: “Who has what topic of conversation? Who is first?"
For example, a wife says: “I have an interesting topic.” Children say: “We have something to share.” My husband’s task: to make sure that no one jumps from topic to topic. If a question comes up and he sees the topic veering a bit, he might ask, “Is this a new topic? Are we postponing or closing this topic?” It is important to learn to keep the topic closed.
What to do if the topics are stressful?
If a topic doesn’t work out or is annoying, we close it. You can offer to talk about something else or just be silent. Other tips: 1. Train yourself to talk about three things:
- about the good;
- about how more good can be done
- and what good things should you do for this?
2. Free your speech from the vocabulary of the Victim. 3. Stop beating yourself up and remove negative thoughts from your head.
How to argue with your husband less often
Nervousness in the family reduces the working capacity of spouses and negatively affects the mental state of children. But if your husband, despite all your efforts, often loses his temper, and you throw a tantrum in response, then contact a family relations specialist.
A psychologist's advice will help you understand that marriage is not a struggle for your independence, but a mutual agreement. No matter how different people are, if they fall in love with each other, it means they have a lot in common. Realize the value of these points of contact and try to look at yourself from the outside.
Perhaps you begin to quarrel with your husband over minor trifles, and as a result a scandal breaks out. There won't be a worldwide catastrophe if your spouse ties the child's scarf incorrectly or forgets to wipe the bathroom mirror after himself. Perhaps he was in a hurry to go for a walk with the baby or was late for work.
A man does many things not as carefully as a woman. But he is physically stronger, more practical and has more rational thinking.
If he is currently unable to earn much, then do not turn this into a reason for a scandal. Calmly ask about his intentions. He may not like his current job, but with a little training and experience, he will soon become more successful.
While supporting and encouraging a man to perform feats of labor, one cannot forgive him for militant idleness. Then he will turn you into a way to satisfy his own needs and still remain dissatisfied.
You should feel like a full-fledged member of the family and have your own opinion on everything, but you need to express it judiciously, calmly and reasonably. Nothing conquers a man more than consistent presentation and logic.
Olga F.
Unusual methods for ending family quarrels
In family therapy, psychologists offer unconventional ways to stop conflicts.
Ceremonial scandal is very popular. The point is simple: you cannot start arguing until both participants have performed the “secret” ritual. The partners come up with it on their own: give in 20 times, put on bathrobes, say a tongue twister, etc. Introducing an absurd element into a quarrel turns it into a pleasant game. The lovers begin to laugh because of the comedy of what is happening. Negativity fades away, positive emotions remain.
Some couples use a safe word. When the scandal goes too far, the couple reveals the password. After its announcement, the lovers have a peaceful conversation until the “pause” is turned off.
During a normal dialogue, emotions will subside. Further discussion will take place in a favorable environment.
