The first reason is the lack of a partner
Every woman wants to meet a worthy partner. Society puts pressure, everyone around insists that after 35 it’s problematic to meet the right person. A woman tries her best until she completely loses hope, notes psychologist Sukhova. Of course, there are those who actively convince themselves that happiness will find them on its own and that they still have to wait. Someone is actively engaged in working through their unconscious and improving themselves. And then, supposedly, she and her partner will unite and start having children together.
Childfree philosophy - free from children
For people who voluntarily abandoned parenthood, they came up with a name - childfree (sometimes shortened to BSF). This term is derived from the English words child - “child” and free - “free”.
Representatives of this movement voluntarily refuse to procreate, not wanting to spend their lives on education and care. They consider childlessness a privilege of modern society and liberation from old-fashioned beliefs. With their philosophy they clearly demonstrate imaginary independence and uniqueness.
Reason two: lack of financial security
Women are worried about how to survive with a small child in their arms, how not to lose their jobs, how to switch to remote work, how to pay off loans. And this, together with the fear that relying on a partner nearby is problematic, warns Anna Sukhova. Women have their own appetites and expectations from life. And having a child is not a cheap pleasure. Pregnancy management and childbirth itself also require financial costs. But what to do next when the little man needs a mother, and the mother needs a nanny who could enable the woman to provide for herself and the child? This is not an easy question.
Why doesn't a woman want a second child? 4 possible reasons
Now let's talk about a slightly different option: a woman does not want a second child from her husband. What could be the reason? Here are a few options (however, keep in mind that this list is not exhaustive).
Pregnancy and childbirth
Just like in one of the previous points, plus, she has already encountered this. The first experience could be so traumatic that the woman does not want to go through it again.
Money and time
Raising one child is expensive and difficult - but raising two is twice as difficult. Perhaps she does not want to spend even more time on children than she already does, or is worried that your budget will not be enough for such a step.
Difficult relationships between children (competition, jealousy, envy, etc.)
Sometimes the reason for reluctance to have a second child may be the fear that it will be too much stress not only for herself, but also for the children. In order to behave correctly and not “reward” both with additional complexes that will affect their character and future relationships, in theory it is advisable to take into account the peculiarities of raising two children, which is not as simple as it seems.
One child is enough for her
Yes, your views on how many children should be in a family may not coincide. To avoid such an unpleasant surprise, couples are advised to discuss the desired number of offspring before becoming parents.
- M+F 5 questions to answer before moving in with a girl
Reason four - the endless race for a career
Today, women are no less concerned about career growth than men. And yes, there are those who can combine work and having children. There are only a lot of women who strive for new heights and perceive the birth of a child as a burden and an additional obstacle to career development, says Anna Sukhova.
Is one enough? Why women don't want to have many children Read more
I don’t want children and a family - I was created to love and be free
The Internet instills the idea of hedonism. Social networks promise material benefits and incredible travels. Alas, in this picture there is often no place for children and quiet family happiness. And having absorbed new values, the woman does not want to have children. It is believed that a mother with small children is deprived of these benefits. Therefore, girls are often frivolous even in relation to their partner and are completely unwilling to sacrifice anything.
Reason six - lack of help from the older generation
Nowadays there are more and more grandmothers who remain young and beautiful and do not strive to change their lives and rush to help at the birth of a grandson or granddaughter. It is not interesting to pass on your experience, since people of the older generation want to live for themselves. “It’s an amazing fact, but grandmothers even ask not to call them that, but to address them only by their first names. All this is not so critical, but it makes it clear to the woman that she will not get help from the older generation,” says the psychologist.
Article on the topic
A useless tax on childlessness, or Why we don’t have children
Why doesn't a woman want to have children? 13 possible reasons
In fact, there are many reasons why a girl decides not to have children, and they are all individual.
However, below we have tried to list the most common reasons why a woman may not want to give birth to a child from her husband or boyfriend.
She adheres to the childfree philosophy
You probably know about the philosophy of childfree - a conscious reluctance to have children. In Europe, people first started talking about this phenomenon back in the 1970s, in Russia - around the 2000s.
The reasons why childfree people decide not to have children can be very different, some of them are listed below.
She doesn't want to change her life
Not all women share the belief that “everyone should become a mother.” If a girl is happy with what she has now and has dreams and big plans for the future, then a child may simply not fit into the picture of how she wants to live her life. And she has every right to do so.
She doesn't believe in "maternal instinct"
According to popular beliefs, at some point in a woman’s head (or some other place) something begins to “click”, giving rise to an inexorable desire for an urgent prolongation of the family. Especially if she did not have time to have offspring before the age of 30, since “clicking” in this case is accompanied by “ticking”.
Stop believing in these pseudoscientific ideas about the female body. Nothing in her body requires her to have a child.
- M+F 16 “innocent phrases” that can offend a girl (it’s time to get rid of them)
She is afraid that her body will change and her health will deteriorate.
Pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding are a real stress on a woman’s body and health, and the consequences can be irreversible. From weight changes and C-section scars to hair and tooth loss, not everyone is willing to make such sacrifices for the sake of their child.
She is driven by thoughts about overpopulation of the planet
Some people are concerned about the planet's overpopulation (including large numbers of street children) and the rapid depletion of natural resources.
It is worth noting that, from a purely scientific point of view, there is no overpopulation on our planet and is not expected, and there are quite enough resources on Earth, they are simply unevenly distributed. However, such concerns are common and make many people reluctant to “make things worse.”
She's afraid of being a bad mother
A child is a big responsibility. Having got one, parents will have to constantly worry about safety, comfort and make a lot of efforts to raise their child as a healthy, happy and successful person.
- M+F 9 Worst Phrases You Can Accidentally Say to Your Parent Friends
Not everyone is sure that they can do it. Some women refuse to have children because they are afraid that they will not cope well enough with such a serious role.
She wants to build a career
No matter how many people around us insist that it is quite possible to combine building a successful career and motherhood, it is difficult, and for some areas it is almost impossible.
If a woman wants to focus entirely on achieving success in her professional field, she may decide that children will complicate this path for her. Combining pregnancy and caring for a newborn with work is extremely problematic.
And in the future she will have to be torn between projects and the need to pay attention to her child. Not everyone is ready for such a double load.
She cannot have children due to health problems
Alas, sometimes a woman may want a child with all her heart, but not be able to have one. Or she can do this, but risks passing on a serious hereditary disease to the newborn or dying during childbirth.
She's worried about the financial side of raising a child.
Children are very cute, but raising them is expensive. Very. Clothes, hygiene items, special food, toys - not everyone wants to give the child only the “necessary minimum”, some cannot even afford this, and there are those who want to spend the money they earn only on themselves and their own needs.
She has a fear of making a decision that cannot be changed
You can’t just change your mind about being a mother. It is impossible to get a child for a “test period” and then return it if you don’t like it or you get tired of it. Once a woman has children, she will have to live with the consequences of this decision for the rest of her life.
This is very serious, and not everyone will want to take on such responsibility.
She has a fear of pregnancy and childbirth
Thoughts about what kind of ordeal she will have to go through during pregnancy (possible intoxication, poor health, discomfort and much more), fear of unbearable pain during childbirth (you've probably heard more than once how loudly and terribly the heroines scream in the movies when they give birth - in reality it takes much longer), and the fears of frequent postpartum depression are so impressive that a woman can make a completely logical decision to avoid all this.
She is worried about the cruelty and instability of this world
We adults understand how little our planet resembles a children's playground. Hunger, murder, injustice, global warming, and now a pandemic.
For some people, these factors are enough to make a decision: I don’t want my child to face all these horrors and suffer the same way I suffer.
She wants to adopt a child
While the state promotes “traditional values” and supports families who have a second and third child, some are concerned about the large number of street children.
There are women who want to raise a child, but do not want to give birth to one. Just think about how many unfortunate children now live in orphanages.
The compassion for them can be so strong that some people decide to help at least one (or more of them) and decide to become foster parents.
She just doesn't want a baby
Yes, she may simply not want to, for no reason. He has the right to do this, as well as not to give you a clear explanation of what this decision is connected with. A woman is in charge of her body and life, and if she doesn’t need children, no one should judge her for that.
Reason ten - health difficulties
Despite all the possibilities of medicine, the woman is truly wary of all innovations. Recognizing the fact that it doesn’t work out quickly and easily becomes extremely painful for a woman. And some decide to close this topic to themselves so as not to hurt themselves again and again. And if you have a baggage of unsuccessful attempts behind you, then the birth of a child becomes an extremely difficult story, says Anna Sukhova.
From the first attempts. What will help you become parents faster Read more
The second reason is uncertainty in the companion
After going on maternity leave and giving birth to a child, a woman becomes completely dependent on the future father for several years. According to statistics, most marriages actually break up during the first year of a child’s life. A man, deep down in his soul, dreams of care and attention, and now he himself has to take care first of his wife, who may be irritated by many things during this period, and then of the baby. Many women are not sure that their partner will survive such trials with honor and dignity, and do not take risks.
Solution
. Everyone knows that in order to maintain relationships, they need to be developed. Children are a natural extension of love. And if you are not unsure of your companion, then most likely you doubt his feelings. Indeed, the pregnancy of his beloved wife and the birth of an heir is a difficult test for a man. And only those who truly love each other survive difficulties without problems.
What should I do?
If a woman feels uncomfortable because of the decision made or latently feels that the reasons for refusing motherhood lie in external factors, she should take a number of steps that will allow her to understand whether she needs a child or not, and whether she should be afraid of motherhood.
- Go to a specialist to sort everything out and eliminate possible problems.
- Discuss with your partner the sincerity of your desire to have children.
- Chat with those who already have children. And of different ages. Yes, everyone's situation is different. Spend some time with your child and you will understand how ready you are for him.
- Do not put pressure on yourself under any circumstances. Perhaps it’s just not the right time, not the right situation. We need to understand and not make hasty conclusions.
- Deal with your immaturity and psychological immaturity. Decide what your personal responsibility is. Perhaps everything is not so bad in the birth of a small miracle, because the baby is your continuation. And whatever you put into it today will definitely make you happy tomorrow.
Ideological considerations
There are girls who believe that there are already too many people on our planet. Resources are not infinite, why give birth? The children will grow up, they will have nowhere to work, nothing to eat and nothing to breathe. “If I suddenly want a child, I’ll take a ready-made one from an orphanage,” this is how these girls reason, and there is a reason for these thoughts. In addition, they consider the standard motives for having children unworthy: all these “glasses of water”, “continuation of oneself in descendants”, “that’s how it’s supposed to be”. Women can resist the rabid propaganda of motherhood, refusing to provide their bodies as an incubator for soldiers, or to give the state “new oil.”
It is normal and natural to want children. But not wanting them either.
Man is a rational being and is quite capable of deciding for himself whether he needs to reproduce in principle, and if so, to do it now or later. Childfrees do not harm anyone, do not take anything from anyone, and do not hate children (not to be confused with child haters). There is no need to shame women who do not want to give birth. If someone is outraged by their choice, he should ask himself the question why someone else's life worries him so much. Perhaps such a person regrets that at one time he did not think about having such a choice.
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Fear of losing freedom
A very common reason that many women often realize in their minds. Fear is formed from not knowing how to distribute personal resources in such a way as not to infringe on oneself and to be able to give the baby everything he needs. The fear of losing personal freedom is quite common among women of childbearing age. This is not surprising: after all, responsibility arises for the life of another person, small and helpless. It must be said that the modern rhythm of life often requires maximum dedication and concentration from a person. Sometimes there is simply not enough time left for a child, because many different issues have to be urgently resolved. The fear of losing freedom is sometimes so strong that it blocks any desires of a person and prevents him from comprehending necessary situations. If there are internal attitudes that the child can become a hindrance, then the decision can take years to make. Unfortunately, not everyone then decides to undertake such experiments.
Educate yourself
And besides, the child needs an active mother who can go to a blockbuster movie and take part in rafting on a mountain river. The examples are exaggerated, but the essence of the message is clear: in order to develop a child and teach him new things, you need to constantly develop yourself.
The baby wants to be proud of his mother: affectionate and gentle with him, but strong and persistent with everything that concerns her family. The British say: don’t raise children, educate yourself, because the children will be like you anyway. In a child we see a reflection of our character traits, both positive and negative.
The statement “I absolutely don’t want children” is sometimes dictated by the fear of changing one’s established life. After all, with a baby you need to be prepared for change. Having an interest in life in all its manifestations will get rid of the “empty nest syndrome”, when a woman, accustomed to completely dissolving in her children, simply cannot find a place for herself after they leave to study in another city.
Excessive social pressure
Today no one pays a tax for unwillingness to have a child for the time being, but everyone decides the housing issue for themselves. In any case, now the birth of a child does not guarantee receipt of support from the state, so family planning today must be approached consciously.
Children born in the 80s and 90s have now reached childbearing age. Taking into account the almost complete absence of government programs for obtaining preferential housing space, the high cost of children's goods and medicines, many are in no hurry to decide to become parents.
This causes dissatisfaction among the older generation: “How can you live without children?”, “Have you decided to live for yourself?”
Although, as they say, living the way you want is not selfishness, it’s selfishness to force others to live the way you want. Therefore, many people are bothered by such questions.
A more unpleasant aspect that young childless women face is the constant questioning of colleagues at work, relatives and other acquaintances:
- “When will it be?”
- “Time goes by, you’re not getting any younger.”
- “How come there are no children? And for whom do you live?
- “I’ll give you the phone number of a healer. Don’t brush it off, my niece was infertile, but she was able to give birth. What does it mean to have no health problems? Why don’t you give birth then?”
Such “good” advisers cause not only rejection, but even disgust in young women towards the process of bearing and giving birth to a child.
Is it normal not to want children given such pressure from colleagues and acquaintances? The answer is obvious.
Fear of pain
In some cases, the soul is tormented by the fear of something uncontrollable. We sometimes don't even realize how much our lives are controlled by fears and phobias. Childbirth is an incredibly difficult process, both physically and mentally. Everyone who has gone through this, as a rule, displaces the painful moments of contractions and pushing from memory. Sometimes a woman can be incredibly afraid of this, so much so that she tells herself and others that she does not want to have children. The fear of pain sometimes becomes so ingrained in the mind that it displaces the most secret dreams and desires. Consciousness begins to concentrate only on the negative, missing out on the bright moments.
In difficult moments it is impossible to think about happiness. If a girl does not want to give birth, fearing severe pain, then she needs to reconsider her beliefs. After all, by approaching life in this way, you can miss the brightest moments in it. By refusing to experience the joy of motherhood, we cut off vital energies and go against our nature. After all, it’s probably worth being patient once rather than trying to prove to yourself all your life that it would be better without a child. By saying to herself: “I don’t want to give birth, I’m afraid of pain,” a woman thereby greatly limits her feminine nature and does not allow herself to experience happiness.
Working with fears
When numerous phobias fill the heart, it becomes incredibly difficult to make the right decision. Dealing with fears is a must. Only in this case will you be able to remain true to yourself and can you truly prepare for the arrival of a child. There is no need to constantly adapt to the opinions of society, because the people around you may not know your true needs. Working with fears includes in-depth study of difficult moments that cause emotional distress.
The child is only a guest in your home
Firstly, you need to live not for the sake of children, but simply for the sake of life as such. Find meaning in simple things, love and respect the people around you, do useful work and open new horizons.
An Indian proverb says: “A child is a guest in your home: feed it, educate it and let it go.”
To think that a little person who has just come into this world will discover the meaning of existence and make a previously bland life rich and interesting is, at the very least, reckless. The child himself needs acceptance and understanding. He will not solve anyone’s problems; on the contrary, with his appearance, troubles and unresolved issues will only increase.
Reviews from psychologists
When a woman says to herself: “I don’t want to have more children,” it means that she is trying to cope with some kind of pronounced internal conflict. Most likely, she is dominated by the fear of responsibility, which is not so easy to accept. After all, when there is actually no desire to have children, then such a question simply does not come to mind. If the other half constantly imposes on the girl the idea that she needs to have more offspring, she needs to understand what her soul really wants. You should not think about why you don’t want to have children, but start actively thinking about your own desires. If aspirations are not satisfied for some reason, then some especially suspicious natures tend to withdraw into themselves. Often conflicts arise in the family on this basis. You can speculate long and hard about why you don’t want to give birth, but the question will be resolved only after a personal understanding of the problem.
Difficult family relationships
If there is no mutual understanding between spouses, then it becomes very difficult to plan the birth of an heir. It is very important for a woman to feel that she has the opportunity to count on some kind of support from a man. Unsure of her future with this person, she may show reluctance to have a child. She sometimes has to suppress the maternal instinct in herself, saying: “I don’t want to give birth,” instead of starting to listen to her own desires. Difficult relationships in the family are often an obstacle to the development of deep internal conflict, which begins to control the entire situation. Instead of solving troubling problems, people withdraw into themselves and do not want to act.
When there is no trust and mutual respect, it becomes very difficult to maintain internal harmony and come to an understanding of the essence of things. A person is forced to constantly build a chain of psychological defenses instead of starting to act actively, with maximum focus on the desired result.
The appearance of a second child
In principle, not every family agrees to do this. If a woman discovers that she does not want to have a second child, she needs to understand whether this is her desire. Very often, various stereotypes and beliefs are imposed on us from the outside. If we stop listening to our own voice, we invariably get bogged down in fears and doubts. Sometimes it becomes scary just to make this fateful decision. The reason is simple: you will have to rebuild your entire way of life, change your habits, your views on the world. An accomplished mother can hardly think only about herself. For her, the needs and needs of the baby should come to the fore. When a girl thinks: “I don’t want to give birth to a second child,” it is quite possible that she is simply not ready for this yet. Some are turned away from this serious step by having problems with their spouse, others are afraid of being left alone, and others are afraid of losing their freedom. Let’s say that if the eldest son or daughter has already started first grade, the mother is unlikely to want to bother with the baby again or devote a lot of time to him. When there is more than one child, attention needs to be distributed between them, which is not always possible. Some people will still get less, because in the conditions of modern reality, when the level of employment is simply colossal, it is not always possible to think about significant changes in one’s life.
Being a mother is not prestigious
The media industry promotes the image of a “successful” woman: she is young, slim and energetic, runs her own company or restaurant, shines at social events and drives an expensive car donated by a generous admirer.
Is it normal not to want children, looking at the artificially created image of a superwoman? Quite. For better or worse, a person is judged by the degree of his achievements, which include cars, apartments and houses, expensive things and telephones, but children, alas, are not.
Anything that brings dividends is trending. For some time now, absolutely everything in the world has been viewed as a project. The value of the family as such is reduced to a minimum. What is childfree? This is the conscious life position of a person who has decided not to become a parent for a number of reasons.
Men don't want responsibility
We want to get the most out of life, we rush at a fast pace, and when we hear that we need to wait to get something, we immediately abandon this idea and switch to something else.
For many, a child is an anchor that will not allow them to lead their usual free lifestyle. Men today want to admire ideal female bodies, enjoy intimacy with women, variety and availability of sexual contacts. Few people want to become a father.
Reluctance to give
When a woman lacks the desire to care and love, she says to herself: “I don’t want to give birth.” At the same time, a lady may well be successful in other areas: build a successful career, engage in art, science or dance. The reluctance to give is most often associated with emotional tightness. The presence of certain fears does not allow you to express your true desires. The inability to correctly express feelings leads to unpleasant consequences. Fear of disappointment often prevents you from making the right decision. You can spend years thinking about the fact that “I don’t want to have children at all,” but if the readiness comes to do this, as a rule, they do not refuse it. A person himself must feel the presence of inner strength in himself, which will lead him to the desired result.
Only in this case will it be possible to talk about the fact that a deliberate step was taken, which you will not have to regret later. Reluctance to give is usually associated with the fear of receiving a strong negative reaction in return. The more traumas received in childhood and adolescence, the more difficult it is to accept the changes in life.
Lack of money
An unstable financial situation often forces people to put off having a child. This is quite fair, because a child does not just need to be carried and given birth. It is also extremely necessary to be able to raise him and give him a good education. If there are no opportunities, then it is better to reconsider your life and try to correct some aspects in it in advance. When women don't want to give birth, there is always something behind it. No one just gives up their joy, the happiness of motherhood. Lack of money is a serious reason. If financial problems cannot be resolved in time, then it may happen that a decision will never be made. After all, you don’t want to condemn a little person to suffering and need. When there are no sufficient financial resources, many people decide not to have children. This applies to both married couples and single women who have nowhere to get the necessary help and support. Today, many women postpone the moment of having a baby. They have a chance to achieve conscious parenthood or forget about their desire forever. We must admit that everyone has the right to choose what is closest to them.
Career focus
Quite often in the modern world, a woman chooses career advancement as her primary goal, while family values fade into the background. Some discover that they never want to have children, while others deliberately postpone the moment of making a responsible decision. Being career-oriented sometimes takes too much effort and energy and does not allow you to spend years raising your descendants. It's actually very tiring to be torn in two. It is not always possible to take a break and not solve emerging work problems through family dinners and conversations.
If the wife does not want to give birth, the husband may fall into despair and even begin to suffer. This is how families collapse, misunderstanding and emptiness grow. Often modern girls feel confident only when they are able to earn enough money to satisfy any of their needs. Many people ask what to do if you don’t want to give birth? Of course, you don't need to force yourself. It is necessary to revise your beliefs gradually, focusing primarily on your own values. This is the only way to truly take responsibility for your life. If you constantly scold yourself, the situation will not change for the better. Having analyzed the individual situation, it will be possible to understand what choice should be made in the future.
Meaningful position
In some, quite rare cases, women really do not want to have children, and this intention is true. The fact is that not every person needs to have offspring to feel their own happiness. Some may well be happy devoting themselves to what they love, creativity, or realizing their own strengths in their career. A meaningful position does not require certain justifications. A person simply allows himself to do what he likes, does not make excuses to anyone and does not make accusatory speeches. A true decision is always made in a sound mind, calmly and measuredly. If this is a truthful decision, then it does not come to mind to make excuses to anyone, to endlessly make assumptions and conjectures. A meaningful position always involves accepting responsibility. In this case, you don’t have to blame others for your own failures. It is extremely important to understand what you can and should strive for.
