How does a woman feel after her betrayal? Causes and consequences

07/18/2018 · Pro Psychosomatics · Comments: ·

Sometimes women come to us for consultations after infidelity. Having learned about it, the wives suffer greatly; they want to talk to someone, pour out their pain, but there is always shame inside. To understand this, you will learn advice from a psychologist on how to survive your husband’s betrayal.

To do this, let's look at the problem from different angles and draw conclusions.

Is treason a betrayal or the norm of our time?

Cheating is a betrayal of your husband. For example, in war it is easier to distinguish it. Betrayal there could cost the lives of many comrades.

Will they trust a traitor in war? Will they give him a second chance? Naturally not.

Betrayal is an act with the most aggravated consequences. But in everyday life, many concepts are turned on their heads. Some men sincerely do not understand and ask the question: “And if you have sex with a prostitute, is this considered cheating or not?”

Many men are frivolous in this important matter.

A wife and husband are connected not only by property and living together. They are tightly connected psychically with each other, almost into one whole, and children grow up in this common field of love.

Property can be divided, but the threads that bind the psyche cannot be severed so easily .

At the moment of betrayal, the process of destroying spiritual intimacy in a couple begins, even if the woman does not yet know.

According to our experience as psychologists, at least 25% of women are in a situation of betrayal. So it turns out that everyone lives like this.

Some women adapt and also secretly cheat for their own pleasure. He cheats, she knows about it and cheats on him too (he doesn’t know about it).

To the question: “Aren’t you offended that your husband is cheating?”, they answer: “No, if you cheat yourself.”

Signs of female infidelity

Each girl is individual, but the signs of female infidelity are easy to recognize.

These include the following situations:

1. The spouse constantly has urgent matters outside the home or the boss asks her to stay late at work. When the fact of deception is exposed, there is no need to start a quarrel. First, you need to try to have a heart-to-heart talk, find out the reasons that pushed the cheater to take this step. Sometimes a calm dialogue will help explain the girl’s motives and come to mutual understanding. But this works when partners want to maintain the union. If a man himself dreams of divorce, such an act will become an extra trump card.
2. A woman periodically comes home with flowers, explaining their appearance as a gift from a friend or a corporate party. Such arguments should be met with suspicion. But this is not a concrete sign of his wife’s betrayal, so it is necessary to calmly understand the situation.
3. The reason to suspect your spouse will be the smell of someone else's eau de toilette. More than 90% of men use good perfume. However, there is a possibility that the girl spilled perfume on herself from a store window; there is no fault on her other than carelessness.
4. The wife shows unusual tenderness towards her husband. This looks suspicious if she was previously cold in terms of showing feelings. On the other hand, there is a logical explanation for such behavior: the missus could not have taken a lover, but simply decided to diversify the life of the family. This option is unlikely, but there is no evidence to the contrary.

There is another possible way to identify an unfaithful wife: she could reveal herself by texting with friends or making entries in a diary. You need to be extremely careful when examining your beloved’s mail, leafing through your diary, poking through your phone’s memory, looking for hints of treachery.

Are you ready to stop thinking about your problem and finally move on to real actions that will help you get rid of your problems once and for all? Then perhaps you will be interested in this article .

For a companion, such behavior will be a mortal insult.

Before cheating on the woman you love, you need to remember that she can do it more gracefully. Do you know what's the saddest thing about cheating? That you can't forgive. (Rinat Valiullin, “Every silence has its own hysteria”)

Even if the suspicions are not justified, the relationship will be doomed, since there will no longer be room for trust and forgiveness within it.

Why does it feel so bad after cheating?

Male infidelity for a woman is as follows. Each of us feels this deep in our souls:

“When I got married, I gave my word to be with you, you gave your word to be with me.

I gave all of myself, all my trust, gave birth to children, and now you leave me alone with all this and found another. Where should I go now?

It’s hard for two people to bear responsibility, but now I have to do it alone. You understood that life is long and it won’t be easy, why then did you start a relationship with me and get married if you weren’t confident in yourself.

Why did you put me in such a difficult situation? Why change at all? I would have warned you right away; even then, being young and free, without children, I would have found a reliable person. And now I’ll have to sort out the mistake alone for the rest of my life with my children.”

Or “Why didn’t you do this ten (twenty) years ago, when I was still young and could have found someone else?”

In war, people are betrayed because the fear of one’s own death becomes unbearable, but this does not exempt one from responsibility.

Why does a man want to cheat?

The answer is simple: because of the desire to enjoy, receive love, pleasure and not overcome difficulties, not bear responsibility. But the life of his own family begins to go downhill.

Faithful and devoted women especially suffer. They give their husband a lot of credit because they judge their husband by themselves. And, of course, their thoughts are completely “virgin” in relation to “some kind of” mistresses.

That’s why it’s bad that one only wants to enjoy and be irresponsible, while the other understands how bitter it is and how far this approach is from her.

Compensation

There can be two reasons for compensation:

a) First:

When a woman or girl has not satisfied her sexual need for a long time. In this case, this girl, after some time and with some man, will, as they say, “go crazy.” The state of the female is turned on. This can happen both in adulthood and in youth.

b) Second: “Compensation for the generic issue”

This is when a woman in her family has not satisfied her sexual needs for many generations. Women denied sex and did not realize their sexual feminine nature. In subsequent generations, this energy gradually accumulates and one of the girls may experience a surge of this sexual energy, and she may lead a very depraved lifestyle. Such girls cannot stop, this is their basic need.

What to do if you find out about your husband's cheating

In fact, there are only two options: leave or stay .

Each begins to weigh and analyze their current situation on the following issues:

• Do I have money, and am I firmly on my feet financially to feed myself and my children, and continue to develop them in clubs,
• How will children grow up without a father?
• What if I stay alone for the rest of my life?

Those wives who can resolve these issues immediately feel more independent and can choose to leave the relationship while maintaining their sense of self-worth.

If the answer to all questions is “no”, then option 3:

1. you leave, leaving everything as it is, but maintaining your self-esteem. You take responsibility for your life and the lives of your children,

2. either you forgive completely and continue to live with him, trying to save the family,

3. or, continuing to hate, you simply remain living out of hopelessness... Nowhere to go, no money, didn’t work, small child.

All this does not insure against his subsequent betrayals.

The third option greatly tramples self-esteem, keeps you in tension and depression, as it lasts for a very long time. Then it leads to diseases, but more on that later.

Therefore, the main advice from a psychologist on how to survive your husband’s betrayal is to work with your psychological state (perception of the situation). The better the injury is treated, the easier the condition.

How does a woman feel after her husband cheats?

Many people describe their mental state as follows: “as if the earth had disappeared from under my feet,” “as if I had disintegrated into molecules,” “everything I had lived for had collapsed.”

There is a sharp drop in self-esteem.

At the first moment, when the wife first learns about the fact of betrayal, a semblance of a state of shock arises. For everyone it lasts a different amount of time: from several minutes to a day, for some it may be longer.

Then comes the second phase: bewilderment, intense anger: “Why? Why me? Why did he do this to me? How could you?".

Strong anger can lead to a state of passion.

At this stage, it is important to give vent to the emotions of anger..

There will be a lot of anger. You'll have to beat something, a pillow, for example.

What is this for? Anger is a strong and short-lived emotion. You will begin to experience it and free your psyche. If it accumulates, it will cause illness.

Those who “like” to withdraw into themselves and suppress anger have a much higher risk of developing psychosomatic diseases.

After this stage there is depression. Depression after your husband’s betrayal consists of a mixture of the following feelings: shame, anger at him, anger at yourself, fear, sadness.

And many people get stuck in this state for many years. It can last up to 10-20-30 years or more if it is not worked on immediately. Diseases begin.

Not everyone reaches the exit stage.

How long does it take to cope with the psychological consequences?

Approximately 1.5 years of weekly therapy.

How do you know you've done it?

The check is quite simple.

Think about this traumatic situation and feel how you feel inside.

If you can freely think about it, talk about it and not feel pain, you can calmly start relationships with other men and look into your future, feel that the past does not pull you in, then the situation has been worked out.

You did it.

Blaming an innocent partner

Many men and women have a tendency to blame their innocent spouse for all problems in order to get rid of the guilt. This applies to a large extent to men, who, moreover, may not provide financial support to women. In this way they want to make the innocent partner guilty. Such men and women spend a lot of time with loved ones, trying to convince friends and family that an innocent partner caused the problems that led to infidelity in their marriage. They try to paint a picture of innocence, and create an image of an honest person to justify their actions.

What diseases arise as a result of infidelity, and how long does it take for them to manifest themselves in the body?

Here, of course, everything is individual. Depends on the amount of energy in the body, on the person’s internal resource. The more resources, the longer it resists the onset of the disease.

The organs that are weakened are the first to be affected. Or diseases that you had chronically in childhood (for example, bronchitis) reappear.

A disease may arise that has never happened before.

Remember above we talked about the feelings that give rise to depression? So, each of these feelings is the progenitor of all kinds of diseases (without exception).

The only question is where is the thin spot that gets hit first.

Therefore, timely work with your emotions is the prevention of diseases .

Is it possible to forgive a cheating husband?

The relationship will still not be the same.

The first thing that suffers and disappears is trust. It is difficult to restore. And sometimes it’s impossible. If the person who has stumbled understands and wants to return everything, then this will cost considerable effort.

The one who betrayed tore the fabric of trust. He will have to do a lot of good for another to restore his trust. And never betray again.

But, in principle, it is possible to forgive. If this is what you are striving for, read our article on how to improve your relationship with your husband on the verge of a family relationship crisis.

Lack of male attention

Indifference of a man. He doesn’t want her as a woman, he’s not interested in her.

A woman’s need for attention (emotional, physical, sexual, etc.) is not satisfied.

READ ALSO: Married to a foreigner: difficulties of adaptation

Without words and affection, without romantic gifts given for no reason, the girl begins to think that you no longer love her, and she goes to look for someone who will appreciate her care and the love she gives.

Quite cruel, but true!

How does cheating affect children?

Children in such situations suffer mental trauma. They are injured at the same time as adults.

As a rule, mothers do not have enough strength even for themselves, so the child remains abandoned. The mother simply cannot give him love, attention and warmth.

Symptoms of diseases occur in the same way as in adults, only the rate of occurrence is much higher.

Why?

- Because children cannot “digest” at the mental level this situation that has arisen between their parents. Then children develop psychological defenses such as illness, disorientation in life, withdrawal, inappropriate behavior, deterioration in their studies, and myopia may also occur.

What to do?

- Intensively deal with yourself. At the same time, try not to push the child away, since the main thing for children is to receive love. There is nothing more meaningful to them.

Don't use your child as a listening ear for your problems..

This is not his level, he will not help. Let him mind his children's affairs. Talk about your pain and situation only with adults and your therapist.

We don't involve children.

Then, when it becomes easier and calmer in your soul, you can talk to your child. Explain the situation so that he calms down and understands that the world has not collapsed. The mother endures, the mother is strong.

So, the psychologist’s basic advice on how to survive your husband’s betrayal

Two key questions are to leave (or stay) and how to move on.

In both cases, 2 more issues need to be addressed - financial and psychological .

1) First, evaluate the financial factor. Property, your rights to it and the rights of your children to property. Assess whether you can support yourself and your children if you have to get a divorce.

2) The next step is to choose a strategy for how to proceed.

3) Cope with strong feelings that will accompany you constantly.

It will be necessary to solve pressing problems and constantly be in contact with your husband. It’s better to do all this with a cool head, not with emotions.

Just articles and advice from a psychologist on how to survive your husband’s betrayal may not help. In-person work may be required. Therefore, the best way out is to go to a specialist. How to choose your psychologist - be sure to read about it here.

Discussion: 2 comments

1. Vladimir:
   October 16, 2021 at 17:05

   Do I need to bring my wife into a frank conversation if I know about her infidelity? Two children, 28 and 17 years old. Married for 29 years.

   Answer

2. leetburrito:

   April 12, 2021 at 06:36

   It is especially difficult to make a decision for a woman who has children together with her husband. Many wives continue to live with their husbands only because of their children.

   Answer

Guilt

Feeling guilty about betrayal is like cancer. It grows and worsens over time. Soon it begins to occupy a person’s mind, invading his thoughts. This causes anxiety, regret and shame. Such thoughts, of course, do not make a person happy, but only worsen his life. Therefore, people who have had at least some upbringing try to end the affair and seek forgiveness.