A girl is afraid of men: how to change psychological attitudes

Good day, dear readers. Every girl deserves to start her own family, be happy in a relationship with a young man, and make plans for the future. However, not all young ladies are able to easily look to the future and start a family. Today we will talk about what to do if you are afraid of a relationship with a man. You will find out what reasons most often influence the formation of such fear. You will learn valuable advice on how girls should behave in such a situation.

Causes of androphobia

Why is a girl afraid of a man, where does the panic and rejection of males come from? Experts identify several main reasons that provoke the appearance and development of the disease:

Actions of a violent nature on the part of persons of the opposite sex - husband, father or other relatives/friends. This can be physical harm, psychological violence;
The formation of incorrect attitudes under the influence of female society - growing up without a father/brother/grandfather in a family where women are afraid or have a negative attitude towards males;
Unsuccessful relationship with a man - especially the first experience;
A negative first sexual experience leads to the thoughts “I’m afraid of sex with a man”;
Watching films that focus on violence, cruelty and physical abuse from men;
Constant monitoring of manifestations of male cruelty aimed at treating a child or other physically weak creature. Scandals or quarrels seen in childhood especially stand out.

The question of what to do if I am afraid of my husband overtakes many women - this problem is very common in modern society. Panic is a disease that you cannot cope with on your own. Androphobia should be treated by a specialist.

Symptoms of a phobia

The fear of a relationship with a man or woman is expressed in the partner’s behavior: he panics, his hands begin to tremble, and his sweating increases. After intimacy, the victim of a phobia may become severely depressed. A complex person has dozens of reasons for breaking up with the opposite sex. Victims easily justify the reason for loneliness.

Signs that there is a psychological problem:

aloofness and aggressiveness;
self-isolation;
high requirements for a potential partner;
apathy and frequent depression;
increased anxiety in the presence of the opposite sex.

The problem with the opposite sex intensifies over time: a clear idea of the painfulness of relationships is formed in the subconscious, which is difficult to change without the help of a psychoanalyst.

The problem affects the self-perception of the individual. Over time, a person begins to blame himself for his inability to start a union. Complexes strengthen the phobia.

Alienation and apathy are symptoms of the disorder

Maria Eril - about confronting fears

psychotherapist

I would talk about the confrontation between two main fears in love, and at the same time a person often does not even realize them or calls them something else. On the one hand, we are afraid to be vulnerable, to open up, to meet others halfway, to show our weak points, because in conflict situations the partner can take advantage of this. On the other hand, we are frightened by the prospect of being alone.

The reasons for these fears are not related to gender or age, but to the personal history of each person.

For example, those whose parents usually restrained themselves from expressing feelings find it difficult to enter into emotional relationships. And vice versa, people who are accustomed to receiving love from adults in its most vivid manifestations are afraid to be with a distant person who guards his boundaries.

When a partner begins to immerse himself in personal space, the companion will feel uncomfortable.

The notorious fear of betrayal often lingers from the past: this is either a traumatic episode in a previous relationship or betrayal by parents. I had a client whose mother left her to live with her grandmother as a child, having gone to work in another city. Now the girl is terrified that the man will leave her, although, by the way, he is not going anywhere. But it also happens the other way around - sometimes I meet couples where one partner has an affair, and the other doesn’t give a damn. In my experience, the fear of betrayal never coincides in space and time with the betrayal itself.

There have always been those who are afraid to connect their lives with another person. But modern society offers new opportunities available to people with such fears. For example, a long-distance relationship, when an affair by correspondence or video lasts for years, and the partners have never met. How normal is this? It all depends on how a person relates to his psyche: someone is comfortable staying in such a closed format and organizing their life “around” their problems without touching them, while someone wants to eliminate not the consequences, but the cause.

Society's attitude towards marriage is changing, and some fears are giving way to others. For the older generation, stability is synonymous with comfort, but for the younger generation, on the contrary, this can be frightening, so they are ready to quickly end relationships about which they have questions. I wouldn’t say that people are getting married less often now, but attitudes towards it have definitely become easier; divorce is no longer perceived as a tragedy.

I meet more and more couples who maintain human relationships after breaking up. People are coming to terms with the idea that marriage does not have to be one for life.

Perhaps because of this, they make a little less effort to maintain it, or they prefer breaking up the relationship to work on themselves.

Fears and doubts create discomfort, but it is their absence that sometimes becomes a marker of pathology. If a person is not afraid of anything and is one hundred percent confident in himself, most likely he has borderline personality disorder. This is worth remembering when our own fears begin to torment us. Thanks to them, we can build relationships, feel our partner and his boundaries nearby. It’s another matter when anxiety increases to such limits that the pleasure of life is lost. Psychological hygiene, self-care and, if necessary, specialist help are important here. And the sooner you apply for it, the better. Hearing at an appointment with a psychotherapist: “You have nothing to do here” is better than letting everything take its course. It happens that a couple comes and says: “Fix our marriage,” and I sit, listen to them and think: “Guys, nothing can be “fixed” here.”

I recently summed up the results of the year and was surprised to notice that individual work with clients takes up only 50% of the time. The other half is couples counseling, which is always more difficult. Creating an atmosphere of trust without fear, where you want to open up and talk, is the task of the therapist. I use a scheme that is common in European practice: first we hold a paired meeting, followed by one individual meeting at a time, and then as many joint meetings as people need to solve the problem. One-on-one sessions are needed, again, because of fears - only there people say what they don’t dare say in front of their partner, allow themselves more, and generally have a less politically correct dialogue.

Social dilemma

In today's realities, family has become more of a nuisance than a necessity. It takes away too much of such a “valuable resource” as personal space and self-development. There is a popular opinion that first you need to “get on your feet” and only then start building serious relationships. Let’s not argue, there is logic in such a worldview, but it is precisely this moment that causes the fear that a pleasant pastime will have consequences in the form of a serious relationship that is a threat to life plans.

A person tries by all means to delay these changes, remaining on a fine line when separation will bring a minimum of suffering. He has the illusion that there is nowhere to rush, and somewhere in the distant future his second half is still waiting for him.

Intimophobia in men and women

In psychology, the concept of “intimophobia” stands for fear of close relationships. And due to gender differences, they are different for men and women.

Intimophobia - fear of sexual intercourse

Violence in family

Girls who grew up in dysfunctional families, where the father allowed himself to show excessive aggression and psychological pressure, are more likely than others to be afraid of starting a relationship, projecting their real relationships onto their childhood experience. They are afraid of repeating the fate of their relatives, constantly being in a tense state.

High level of responsibility

Men value their freedom extremely, and any encroachment on it serves as a stop signal for them. After all, a serious relationship with a woman inevitably leads to meeting your parents and getting married.

Past failures

Having experienced the pain of separation, after a breakup a woman will think many times whether she needs it again, and most often she will not want to suffer anymore and fall in love.

Intimate problems

Men perceive such vicissitudes more painfully. Even the slightest problems in intimate terms develop into a global disaster, completely killing the slightest desire for sexual contact and provoking the most terrible male fears, for example, sexual impotence.

Shameful secrets

Everyone has some skeletons in their closet. And these secrets can embarrass a woman, preventing her from starting a relationship, or keep her in constant fear that sooner or later everything will come out.

Financial difficulties

Even by the most conservative estimates, the world has undergone global changes over the past decades. But for men, the desire to feel like “the main breadwinner in the family” still remains relevant. Losing this feeling, they begin to feel inferior, incompetent and try to avoid long-term relationships as much as possible.

Inferiority complex

Representatives of the “weaker sex” are convinced that they are not sexy, smart or beautiful enough. Drowning in uncertainty, they project it onto any possible relationship, thereby dooming it to failure, constantly fearing not to live up to their partner and not finding the strength to overcome fear.

Loss of independence

The so-called confirmed bachelors have great difficulty deciding to make such drastic changes in their lives. For them, overpowering themselves is like hammering a nail into the lid of their own coffin with their own hands. They deprive themselves of all the pleasures of communicating with other people.

The influence of your own negative experience

The experience of the parental family is not 100% decisive for a woman’s future.
Even if a girl lived in a complete family with loving parents, in adulthood she may also encounter failures in relationships with men. If she expects everything to be perfect every time, like her parents, and this does not happen, she will be disappointed again and again. Over time, she develops fear and a constant expectation of failure, with inflated expectations of the quality of relationships.

Fear of relationships with the opposite sex

Fear of close relationships is associated not only with childhood idealization, but also with a feeling of loss of independence. Long-term relationships mean

interaction;
living together;
common goals and their achievement.

In any case, in order for two separate individuals to make plans together, implement them, live in the same territory, have sex, have children, compromises will need to be made. The key to a good relationship is not to meet a person with exactly the same interests, habits, goals, etc. as you, but the ability to accept your partner for who he is, adapt without harming yourself, find common ground and be able to resolve conflicts .

Philophobes tend to perceive relationships as bondage that should be avoided. This is due to the fact that they simply do not know how to build personal boundaries and all their close relationships really resembled bondage. As soon as a philophobe falls in love, he becomes dependent on this person, which means vulnerable, so fear of relationships is simply a protective measure. Dependent relationships are bad, but in this case you need to work on yourself in order to be able to build healthy, honest relationships, and not abandon them in principle.

It is especially important to talk about the complexes inherent in both the male and female sexes, which interfere with the creation of close relationships. A person may consider himself unworthy of a good relationship and thereby unconsciously spoil it. And then a cause-and-effect chain starts: unsuccessful relationship → separation, disappointment → fear of creating new ones.

Note! Self-dislike and dissatisfaction with oneself serves as the basis for many problems in human life.

Sequencing

If you are familiar with the phrase “I’m afraid of serious relationships with men,” then you’ve probably had to think more than once about how to overcome this fear in yourself.

First of all, it is important to identify the cause of fear. If you cannot determine it yourself, then it would not be a bad idea to seek advice from a psychologist.
Try to explore your needs and also find out what your partner needs. The girl must determine whether they are ready to move to the level of a serious relationship, whether there is a tendency to cheat, what is their financial stability, whether their lifestyles are similar, and whether there are traits in the guy that she cannot come to terms with.
Stop being afraid of what lies ahead, don't think about future obligations. It is possible that your fear arose due to the fact that thoughts appeared about the possible loss of your personality, that one day a child will be born who will have to devote himself, there will be no time left for his own life. In such a situation, it is important to realize that you will not find yourself alone, there will be a loving partner nearby. To make it easier to overcome the fear of the future, make lists in which you can clearly distribute responsibilities, as well as write down the things that you will do together. You can try to start an experiment, see if you can exist together.
Learn to compromise and eliminate unnecessary conflicts. If you see that there are scandals in your relationship with your boyfriend at the moment, then it’s time to stop them. It is important to learn to calm down yourself and bring your partner to his senses. Remember that sometimes it is the girl who becomes the source of scandals. Try to look at yourself from the outside, reevaluate your priorities.
If you are afraid of future obligations, you can try to test yourself. If you are afraid that over time a baby will appear that will be difficult to cope with, then you can try to babysit a neighbor’s child or even get a job as a nanny.

They are afraid that money will be taken from them

Nowadays, 99% of women are materialistic. And absolutely all men, regardless of the size of their income, are afraid that ladies will begin to extract money from them. Not very rich men worry that this money simply won’t be enough for them, and wealthy men don’t like being perceived solely as a “wallet with ears.”

In order to assure your chosen one that you are not pursuing exclusively selfish goals in relation to him, you should try to be friends with the man, and not promote him for money on the first dates. And if the chosen one feels that “you are a good guy, Natasha,” he himself will invest in you. A normal man does not spare money for HIS woman.

All men are...

“There are no normal men left - they’ve all been taken away. And those that remain are complete scoundrels and drunkards! I don’t need someone like that,” you can often hear such bravado from single women. But behind this bravado there is pain and resentment. My personal life is not going well, so there is only one thing left to do - to scold the stronger sex at all costs.

What to do. Stop deceiving yourself by saying that you don’t need anyone. How necessary! You just don't want others to see your vulnerability. But an endless stream of criticism against men will definitely not make you happier. Therefore, try to change your attitude towards the stronger sex. Repeat to yourself often: “I deserve love,” “I love men,” “I am surrounded by many worthy men.” And a worthy one will certainly meet.

Recommendations

Communicate on the Internet, and over time, when you realize that you are ready, meet in real life. The main thing is, do not forget about your own boundaries, do not allow them to be violated. And choose partners who will be safe for you, so as not to scare you away in your intention to overcome your fears.
If you are haunted by uncertainty and prevent you from taking the first step to get acquainted, work on your self-esteem.
Take paints, pencils, a large sheet of paper and draw your fear of a serious relationship. Don't overthink what you want to portray. Let your hand move, release control and express your emotions. When you finish, reflect on what happened. This action will help you free yourself from internal worries and relieve tension.

Treatment options

A course of psychotherapeutic assistance is almost always necessary. Only mild forms of philophobia in the initial stages can be eliminated by relaxation and increasing the degree of trust in people of the opposite sex. If fear persists for more than six months, you cannot do without the help of a specialist. The doctor will help you identify and work through the true causes of fear, bring up childhood memories, and give you the opportunity to look at them in a new, adult way.

In some cases, medications can also help get rid of philophobia, but they are not prescribed separately, but during a course of psychotherapy and only if the person already has concomitant mental disorders, for example, depression or neurosis. In this case, medications play a symptomatic role - for depression, for example, anidepressants are taken.

As auxiliary methods that are designed to teach a person to relax, acupuncture, massage, and electrosleep are used. The patient is strongly recommended to watch touching love films with a happy ending, as well as read the same books. A successful treatment option is a course after which the patient manages to achieve a gradual, smooth rapprochement with his partner.

For partners, doctors have their own recommendations - as they recover, they should talk more often with the former philophobe about personal matters, and also show maximum sensitivity, attention and care.

For symptoms of heterophobia, group therapy has proven itself very well.

In modern society, heterophobia is considered something shameful and is often associated with a person’s secret homosexuality. Because of this, many people suffering from this disorder are afraid to talk about their problem for many years, which is why their quality of life is significantly reduced.

The following techniques help to effectively combat manifestations of heterophobia:

behavioral and cognitive therapy;
group therapy, as a result of which the patient can understand that fear is present not only in him, but also in other people;
psychoanalysis, which allows us to identify the very root cause of the problem (the presence of a traumatic situation that became the impetus for the development of a phobia);
psychological support from a specialist and loved ones;
hypnosis according to Erickson, which allows the specialist to identify the very essence of fear, removing it from the patient’s subconscious.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPQLOnZa8WI

If psychotherapeutic treatment turns out to be ineffective, a specialist may prescribe psychotropic and sedatives to the patient.

Due to the fact that female frigidity and male erectile dysfunction have a psychological cause, symptomatic treatment of these pathologies is not carried out. Once the root cause of the phobia is eliminated, the physiological problems go away on their own.

Briefly, hypnosis treats phobias according to the following scheme:

The hypnotist finds in the patient’s subconscious the root cause of his panic and fear.
With the help of attitude and suggestion, the client accepts the painful event. Stops clinging to him. Forms a new, positive model of behavior. Returns to reality as a different, better person.

The hypnotist finds the root cause of his panic in the patient’s subconscious

Egor

Like many traumas, my fear of intimacy comes from childhood. I had very strict parents, and their demands were often unpredictable. So I learned not to trust. I couldn't lie, so I was secretive. This transferred to communication with peers. I didn’t want to reveal myself: the less they know about you, the less vulnerable you are.

When I was sixteen, my father died suddenly. The man whom he always considered the strongest died of illness. I never cried, but it threw me off balance. I realized: in order not to falter next time, you need to be prepared for the fact that any loved one will pass away—or all of them at once. That's pretty much what happened. Within six months I moved to the capital, a new life overwhelmed me, and I abandoned old social connections. I began to feel powerful in not having attachments.

I didn’t have long relationships with girls. After another failure, I created a project that overwhelmed me. I didn’t want to waste time on intimacy at all; it was much more interesting to engage in self-development. I even stopped trying and replaced close relationships with many superficial connections. “Couples break up anyway, so why waste time?” - I thought. I saw how much some girls liked me, and it was hard for me that I couldn’t reciprocate their feelings. I really wanted to let them know that the problem was not theirs at all, but I didn’t have the right words.

This went on for about five years, but more and more often the thought began to occur to me that I was missing out on something big and important. Over time, I made a very close friend. She is also afraid of intimacy, and to some extent thanks to this we were able to become friends. It took a year and a half to build this friendship. I rediscovered emotional intimacy, but romantic intimacy remained elusive and inaccessible. Then I met a girl with whom I wanted to communicate and see often. We became close for a very long time; it took about six months of daily calls for an hour and a half for us to become a couple. True, our story did not last long. We had different pictures of the future, but I’m still glad that I found the resource to be with someone.

I have almost conquered the fear of intimacy: I have a very warm emotional connection with my friend and I am more or less capable of romantic intimacy. I’m ready to spend time and effort on this, but I still don’t know how to get energy from it. A few months ago I started dating a polyamorous girl. I feel comfortable that our relationship is open on her part. The fear of intimacy still remains, and the lack of exclusivity in our relationship is precisely the distance that makes me comfortable.