Cheating - good or bad: psychology of relationships, reasons for cheating, advice from psychologists

• November 10, 2018
• Psychology of relationships
• Marina Pislegina

What is treason? Is it good or bad when one of the partners starts looking for someone on the side? Many people believe that having sex with someone else while having a husband or wife is simply immoral.

Moreover, betrayal for most people is a betrayal that can hardly be forgiven, much less forgotten. It is for this reason that more than half of marriages break up. You will learn more detailed information on this issue while reading this article.

A short introduction

What is treason? Is this good or bad? The answers to these questions are of interest to many people, especially those who have experienced this themselves. So, betrayal is nothing more than the betrayal of a loved one. After all, only someone who was trusted more than themselves can betray. As a rule, these are loved ones and relatives.

If a man cheats on his wife, then in most cases the latter will be able to forgive him and simply turn a blind eye to her husband’s infidelity. However, many representatives of the stronger sex believe that if a beloved woman had intimate intimacy with another, then their relationship is forever destroyed and nothing can be returned back. But is this really so?

If one person truly loves another, then he will be able to forgive him. In addition, some psychologists believe that cheating helps strengthen relationships between partners who have been together for a very long time. True, most people think differently.

Why do you want to take revenge so much?

Photo by Alex Green: Pexels
Betrayal by a loved one is a serious shock that is difficult to survive and maintain a relationship. This is perceived as a betrayal and causes a lot of pain. Every person, regardless of gender, when cheating, has a desire to do the same. That is, to respond with betrayal to betrayal. This impulse is a completely normal reaction.

What are the reasons for wanting to change in response?

• the need to restore justice;
• the desire to prove something to oneself;
• make it clear how painful it is.

The need to restore justice

In fact, people do not take revenge in order to hurt their offender. They want one thing - justice, for everything to be fair. If you are offended, you want to offend in return. This is a kind of departure from the position of victim, which is perceived by your subconscious as weakness.

What are you trying to prove to yourself and to him?

A person perceives betrayal as a fact of his own insolvency. It affects self-esteem, the thought appears: “he chose someone else rather than me, which means I don’t suit him.” This is a blow not only to pride, but also to femininity. "There is someone better than me." This is a serious misconception. The reason for most betrayals is accident, alcohol, moments of weakness, emotional outbursts, the desire to prove something to oneself.

It's hard to comprehend. To get rid of self-doubt, a woman has a desire to change. Prove to herself that she is still desirable, beautiful and sexy. Receive confirmation of your attractiveness and femininity.

Make it clear how much it hurts

This is another reason to change in response to betrayal. There is a desire to show your loved one how difficult and hurtful it is. I want him to experience what he forced the woman to face. Pain, uncertainty, confusion, feelings of anger, emptiness.

From a psychological point of view, the desire to respond to betrayal with betrayal is a form of psychological defense called regression. With it, a person’s reaction will be of a nature for his previous level of development. Regression is clearly visible in the example of children. If a second child is born in a family, the first one begins to behave like a little one. He wants to attract attention to himself, to show that he is also worthy of love.

How to survive betrayal?

This also happens in adults, and much more often than it seems. What does it mean to change in response to betrayal? This is a childish behavior model. You hit me, I'll hit you back. This is how the psyche tries to cope with difficult experiences and protect itself. As a manifestation of a child’s sense of defenselessness in the face of the insult inflicted by a loved one. Is this productive? More likely no than yes. Does this help? Yes, but only for a very short period of time.

a brief description of

Is cheating good or bad? Many experts cannot give a definite answer to the question posed.

From a moral point of view, betrayal is a very bad act, after which it is no longer possible to regain the previous trust in a person. For example, the wife believed that her husband loved and adored her madly, and at that time he had intimate relations with several other women.

But if you look at betrayal from the other side? What can you notice? Men cheat, in particular, for the reason that they simply do not have enough sexual relations with their other half. Therefore, representatives of the stronger half of humanity begin to look to the left. In addition, constant scandals with his wife, her not very pleasant appearance and extra pounds also take their toll. After all, an unkempt housewife who is only busy with cooking and cleaning will not look the same as an attractive employee of a company owned by her husband.

Therefore, in order for a husband not to cheat on his wife, she must always be beautiful and well-groomed, and not deny him sex. This rule must be remembered.

Is it worth cheating on your husband if he betrayed you?

Before cheating on your chosen one, psychologists recommend answering several questions:

1. Why do you want to change? So that your beloved feels the same thing that you experienced? In this case, the desire for revenge is a bad advisor.
2. What will be the consequences of your infidelity? Believe me, you will not be satisfied, on the contrary, you will feel even worse.
3. Will you blame yourself after what happened? It is possible that your spouse will sincerely repent and want to start over from scratch, and you will only ruin everything by cheating.
4. What do you want: physical sensations or something more? If you want a serious relationship, then hasty intimacy will only ruin everything, you will feel used.
5. Do you feel that your husband is not your other half? First of all, you need to understand whether your spouse is really your man.

How does a woman's infidelity manifest itself?

According to most people who think whether betrayal is good or bad, the infidelity of one of the partners is a great sin. Not everyone can forgive betrayal. And there is an explanation for this.

Moreover, sometimes situations occur when not only men, but also women cheat. This happens due to the fact that the fair sex does not receive proper attention from their spouse or are categorically dissatisfied with their family life.

In certain cases, women cheat because they simply fall in love with another man, who surrounded them with the care and tenderness that was so lacking before. This also happens. Often, because of sudden love, even the strongest marriages are destroyed.

But how can a husband identify the signs of his wife’s infidelity? The psychology of the fair sex is designed in such a way that they can hide a relationship with another man from their permanent partner for a long time. However, the husband may feel that his wife is unfaithful to him. This manifests itself in the fact that a woman who cheats on her regular partner with another man simply moves away from him and becomes cold and insensitive towards her husband.

Cheating on your husband: the pros and cons of relationships on the side

Of course, in such a delicate situation, the pros and cons can be very relative, but we will consider the most common cases.

Possible benefits of cheating

• You can sort out the feelings.
  Usually, cheating on her husband allows a woman to determine for herself exactly what she feels for him. As a rule, if before this she still has doubts, then after intimacy with another man any doubts still disappear. The cheater either regrets what she did, realizing that she betrayed a loved one and this could have been avoided, or she is finally convinced that she has no feelings for her husband for a long time.
• New love.
  It is not at all uncommon for a woman to decide to cheat on her husband and find new love. However, feelings for another man from an unfaithful wife, as a rule, arise before intimacy with him, and direct physical contact only helps to make the final decision. Surely, you yourself have heard stories when a husband or wife, having cheated in marriage, leaves for a new partner, and subsequently happily builds a new family.

Possible disadvantages of cheating

• Pangs of conscience.
  Often, cheating is not easy for most women; for this to happen, the wife must be really very angry with her husband, disappointed or captivated by new feelings. Be that as it may, over time, many of the cheaters begin to understand that this situation could have been avoided, and, in any case, their act is very doubtful.
• Damaged reputation.
  It also happens that adultery becomes known not only to the husband, but also to some third parties. Of course, this circumstance most often damages the reputation of any woman, even if it seems to her that there was more than a good reason for such an act. Subsequently, this fact may negatively affect communication with relatives, career, or possible subsequent relationships.
• Venereal diseases.
  Of course, we should not forget about such a prosaic situation. Very rarely, when going into intimate contact with someone, a person assumes in advance that he might “catch” some kind of sexually transmitted disease; usually this happens quite unexpectedly. By the way, it is often precisely because of this fact that adultery is revealed.

In addition

Many women are afraid that their husband will find out about the affair and file for divorce. Therefore, wanting to save the family, despite remorse, the latter still hide their relationship with another man from their permanent partner.

Women who cheat on their husbands begin to devote more time to their appearance, can spend hours on social networks, and also set a password on their phone so that the husband cannot read messages or answer calls. People are all different, and a noticeable change in a wife’s behavior may not always indicate infidelity to her partner. Everything will depend on the situation.

A little about male infidelity

In fact, for the majority of representatives of the stronger half of humanity, sex with another woman is not something special. Many men do not even perceive any affair with a pretty girl as cheating. Well, it was and was. True, there are those who specifically take on mistresses.

Some wives, having learned that their spouse has another woman, begin to pack their things and file for divorce. After all, betrayal is bad not only from the point of view of morality and morality. And for many women, the infidelity of a loved one can be the end of a long and strong relationship. But this doesn't always happen. And although cheating is bad, married women often turn a blind eye to their husband’s unworthy behavior. After all, not a single married lady wants to become a “divorcee” and raise children alone (if they are married).

Main reasons

Many people often wonder why spouses begin to cheat on their significant other? The answer will depend on the specific situation.

Men cheat only to find something new for themselves. Many husbands are so tired of the constant reproaches of their wives that they think that with another partner everything will be different. Although the reason for a bad relationship with his wife most often lies in himself.

How does a man feel after cheating? The psychology of representatives of the stronger half of humanity is designed in such a way that after a sexual relationship with another lady, a young man can feel discomfort from betrayal and euphoria at the same time. But this manifests itself differently for everyone.

Some men, after cheating, begin to shower their wives with gifts, others become more passionate in bed, and others simply pull away and are completely immersed in a new intimate relationship with a secret partner. It all depends on the person himself.

How to find out

Most often, women try to determine by their man’s behavior that he has begun to cheat. But sometimes representatives of the stronger half of humanity try so hard to hide it that the spouses simply do not realize it.

However, there are certain signs that a man is cheating. The psychology of the behavior of an unfaithful spouse is manifested in the following:

• he stays late at work (although this is not always an indicator);
• set a password on his phone (which means he has something to hide from his wife);
• began to pay a lot of attention to his appearance and clothes (including underwear);
• he constantly talks on the phone and says that they are calling him at work (but the voice on the phone is heard as female);
• changed the password on social networks;
• the husband, who was very domestic, suddenly began to have constant business trips;
• he spends all his time on the phone;
• he is not interested in the lives of his children and wife;
• began to give gifts to his wife for no reason;
• traces of lipstick on the jacket and shirt (this is an obvious sign that the husband has a mistress);
• became very passionate or, on the contrary, very cold in bed and refuses intimacy with his wife.

Of course, all people are different, and a man’s mood may change not because he has someone. There may be problems at work, or he is simply tired and needs to rest. Therefore, you should not take everything literally.

What does a man want from cheating?

I repeat - all people are different. The ones given here are based on counseling practice. This practice shows that it is impossible to predict 100%. However, if you know in advance “how it happens,” it will be easier for you to avoid common mistakes (you can read about them in the book How to Avoid Hurtful Mistakes in Marriage. At this link you can even access a fragment of the book for free)

A man wants to forget

Just don't think about anything. Live “for yourself”.

A man wants to feel like a man

Feel that he is a man. And not the one who was “ripped off” by his wife yesterday for leaving a trash can at home.

A man wants sex

Just like that - sex. When you don't need to persuade. Yes, of course, a mistress does not immediately “jump into bed.” But with a mistress it turns out to be a game. But with your wife, sex must be “earned.” So it’s not a game, but a “service”?

A man wants to live

To know that there is more than just everyday work. “Butterflies in the stomach” don’t just happen to teenagers.

It's a shame to read these lines, isn't it? After all, the wife also wants to forget herself, to feel like a woman, to feel the “butterflies”. I also want fabulous sex.

It turns out that the aspirations of the spouses are similar. But it’s impossible to say them out loud. It's a shame, it's a shame. These are the costs of our culture. We are used to thinking that once we have had a wedding, we have to endure the problems! Enduring is not the solution.

Cheating in itself is not a problem. Yes, it is difficult to answer the question “Why do men cheat?” You can read my version of the answer in the article of the same name Why men cheat But cheating is always only a symptom of the problem. It shows that there has been no mutual understanding between husband and wife for a long time. Or maybe he didn’t exist. But in any case, this is not a reason for betrayal. If you suspect that your man is cheating, read this article. I suspect my husband of cheating - what to do?

Experts' opinion

And if one of the spouses nevertheless admitted to the other that he had cheated, should he be forgiven? It all depends on the specific situation.

Many psychologists believe that people need time to understand whether they need to forgive betrayal or not. Of course, if the unfaithful spouse realized everything and asked for forgiveness, then you can try to give him a chance. Although it is not a fact that this will not happen again.

What happens to a woman after her husband cheats? The psychology of behavior of a deceived wife manifests itself in such a way that she, as a rule, does not know what to do in the current situation. At first, the girl experiences pain and disappointment, and a reluctance to even see the cheater. But then everything goes away. And most women easily forgive their husbands’ betrayal and continue to live as if nothing had happened. It all depends on the specific situation.

If a man cheated and left for another, then should he be forgiven? Psychologists say that you need to try, but you don’t have to forgive your offender. Therefore, if the wife from whom her husband left cannot immediately forgive him, then there is no need to do this. It is possible that he simply does not deserve it.

But what to do in a situation where the husband first left for another woman, and then realized that he loved his wife and wanted to come back? Is it worth forgiving him, much less accepting him back? This is something every woman decides for herself. Spouses can seek help from a family psychologist. It is possible that the latter will help them find a way out of a difficult situation.

The most common reasons for female infidelity

Women by nature are still less inclined to cheat; biologically we are designed differently. A woman, sorry, is born with a uterus and algorithms for choosing a partner for a stable relationship are genetically built into her, so that in the end she can continue the race. And all these “chips” soar women much more than men. Just imagine, you are born with an additional “autonomous station for bearing a new life.” And this autonomous station affects your behavior and thinking at least from the moment of your first menstruation until its completion.

That's why women are so forward-thinking. They say that women “think two salaries ahead.” And so it is. Therefore, in most cases, betrayal is a lack of ordinary basic needs that a woman is simply not provided with. Let us also remember that on the other side men cheat many times more. Everything is very interconnected. “Lack of basic needs” is especially typical for Russian women. We are truly a poor and impoverished people; men generally do not treat women with due respect.

It is Russia that occupies a leading position in domestic violence. And this suggests that men have long been accustomed to solving misunderstandings in the family with their fists. In the Western system, all problems have long been solved with the help of third parties and no one even understands each other, but in our families, even men beat women and consider this the norm. In general, they should protect. Otherwise, why are they needed at all?

The overall picture is not very good. A disgusting picture, I tell you. There are not enough words to describe my own indignation. Continuing the topic, let's get back to the basics. What is the base in a relationship? What kind of phrase is this, what does it mean. I will explain. The minimum base of any healthy relationship is built on bricks from different types of energy, in the form of an equal exchange between partners in the process of relationship, namely:

1. deep internal connection between a man and a woman: common views of the world;
2. the tendency to move in one direction when the interests of people in a couple converge;
3. emotional and intellectual compatibility, when there are many common interests;
4. sexual compatibility in a couple;
5. financial responsibility, who in the family provides and brings money into the house.

Each item from the list above is extremely important, if at least one puzzle is missing, or simply someone in the relationship does not provide this resource, then betrayal or collapse of the relationship cannot be avoided. No matter how you swap these points, if one thing is missing, the whole house called family begins to collapse. The man doesn’t bring money into the house, that’s it—the woman throws all her energy into providing for herself. As a result, over time, a man ceases to respect him, loses sexual interest in him, and the deep connection between partners is destroyed. In fact, the whole idea of ​​the existence of a family is destroyed.

Further, the trend is dynamic: the man wants children in a couple - but the woman does not, the woman wants to build a career first - the man does not agree with this. As a result, the paths diverge and the risk of wanting someone on the side increases significantly. As for intelligence, this is also a very important point in building long-term relationships. If this is not there, there is no zest. A person is loved not only for having genitals and money, right? A sufficient amount of time can also pass between sexual acts of spouses and something must attract them to each other.

Sexual compatibility: for some reason everyone focuses only on these indicators in order to start a relationship, but few people know that even sexual compatibility lasts no more than 8 months at most. And that’s it, after that all the points from the list above will definitely come into play. The end result is that he is a moron (no intelligence) and I don’t even want to have sex with him, we have different views on the world, and I want to save up for an apartment and not have children now. Or coldness in relationships, no romance - the man does not invest in the relationship. Everyday life begins to eat them up. Analyze your life situation according to these parameters, you will definitely find out where the breakdown is and why thoughts about cheating on your husband arise in your head.

Why do women cheat

It's no secret that many men do not value their wives at all. Moreover, as time passes, they completely stop paying attention to them. And women want attention and affection. Everything is quite simple.

How does a woman cheat? The psychology of the behavior of an unfaithful wife may not be entirely clear. On the one hand, the lady becomes cold and insensitive towards her husband, but at the same time, the latter will try to hide the betrayal from her chosen one.

What will this behavior lead to? Sooner or later she will admit to cheating, or her husband will figure it out himself.

Why do women start cheating on their spouses? This only happens because of the inattention or bad attitude of men towards their wives.

A woman cheats because she is looking for something better, and a man cheats because he wants to find something new. The difference here is, of course, obvious. Therefore, if a woman feels loved and desired, she will never cheat on her husband. All men should know about this.

Physics, chemistry and other processes

how_a_wife_not_cheat_on_her_husband_when_the_temptation_is_great
I had a neighbor, Julia, and we often argued with her about what place sex occupied in family relationships. She was sure that the most important thing was that as long as your husband was interested in you in bed, he would not go anywhere. As long as you are interested, the thought of cheating on your husband will not even arise. There is some truth in this. But still, burning passion as a guarantee of family strength is rather an illusion.

Julia met Him. Unusual, tall, beautiful, unpredictable, a little absurd and harmful, but in bed - incredible. She didn't walk - she flew. She didn't talk, she sang. I jumped up before dawn and prepared my beloved a three-course dinner plus compote. She ran off to work, and he was still in search of what he loved. One day she returned, and there was no trace of him. Although the night before was amazingly passionate. I couldn’t reach him – the prince had prudently changed his phone number. Why he disappeared remains a mystery to us.

She is now married and raising a daughter. Their sex with their husband is not as passionate as with that “prince.” My question is, what if he comes back and offers to reunite? I thought about it for a long time and came to the conclusion that no. The husband is reliable, already dear, they are so intricately and surprisingly intertwined and reflected in the daughter that the “prince” with his sexuality can gallop past on his horse. What about sex? Sex can be varied , she smiled slyly and revealed a couple of secrets. For example, how she and her husband decided to remember their youth, gave their daughter to her grandmother, bought wine themselves, climbed onto the roof and... misbehaved. Memories of this adventure are a great way to keep yourself from cheating on your husband.

I admit, I agree with her. Sex plays a big role in family relationships. But passion - any kind - passes after three years. So what now, jump from bed to bed? In my opinion, love and trust are an integral part of good sex. If emotions are present, then after five, ten or fifteen years, you can come up with something like that and misbehave with your husband. And if you can’t come up with it yourself, now there are specialists, smart doctors will find a recipe.

How to forgive

In a relationship where cheating has occurred, everything either starts all over again or ends forever. For some very principled people, this is a betrayal. But living with a traitor under the same roof and building a family is very difficult, almost impossible.

In order to continue your relationship with your husband or wife after cheating, you must first forgive your loved one. Yes, for many it is difficult and almost impossible, but it is necessary. Otherwise the relationship will end.

By the way, spouses can live separately for some time in order to feel how important and necessary they are to each other. This is necessary in such a difficult situation. After time has passed, you can think about how to forgive the person. To continue with him or not. After all, as time passes, there will be no more acute resentment, and it is possible that the relationship will improve again.

A person should be given a second chance only if he himself wants it. If a man leaves and does not want to return, then the woman needs to let him go and forget. And the main thing is to forgive and build your life further without him.

Why you shouldn't cuckold your husband

Treason is deceiving a loved one.
You will have to hide secret meetings, invent a reason for absence, and be afraid of exposure. A woman under constant stress becomes more distracted, embittered, and due to lack of time, stops taking care of herself, is in a hurry and makes mistakes. There is a high probability of dishonesty of the person with whom you want to cheat on your husband. If you decide on a paid partner, then you should take into account the cost of services. You will need to find an additional source of cash income or allocate the necessary amount from the family budget. And not all girls can afford this!

Also, if you are not too careful, you can unexpectedly bring an STD into your home. This is how it will be a gift for my husband! Are you ready to take on such responsibility?

More

It is not always possible for a woman to immediately see signs of betrayal in her husband’s behavior. The psychology of relationships between married couples is based on mutual trust, which means that the spouse simply does not want to see and hear the truth that her loved one is unfaithful to her. It is possible that this has its advantages. After all, many men cheat on their women, but at the same time maintain their families, and only a few leave in search of something better, and then return back. A lot depends on the wisdom and patience of a woman.