She raised him, cherished his little blood, sat by his bed at night and dragged him to doctors, and then her beloved son grew up, matured and became ringed. When you are faced with your mother-in-law's jealousy, it is worth remembering that long before you got married, your man belonged to another woman - his mother. It was you who came to her territory, and not vice versa. To prevent your family from turning into a battlefield, you must learn to exist in the same space with it.
In this article:
3 signs of a jealous mother-in-law15 ways to deal with a jealous mother-in-law
How to understand that your mother-in-law is jealous of your son, 10 signs
You will never guess that your mother-in-law may be jealous of your own son.
I’ll tell you straight away how to understand this. I have grouped 10 main signs that are most common in typical situations. And if you do not take any action, I guarantee you that the marriage will soon fall apart.
Listen to the wisdom of those who saved their family and were able to get along with their beloved mother-in-law. The bitch is getting older every year. She becomes so unbearable that you have no choice but to play along with the grimza, waiting for her sudden death.
Believe me, an old man with gray mu... eyebrows. Your mother-in-law does not sleep at night, confidently believing that you ruined the life of her slug.
1. When you sort things out, she unceremoniously interferes in them, protecting her son from your supposed attacks.
2. At the moment of intimacy, knowing full well that you are alone, the mother-in-law deliberately makes noise, may knock and/or ask something through the door.
3. Jealousy often manifests itself in groundless attacks and bullying. Such expressions can be used.
“If something happens to my son, I’ll curse you, you bastard.”
- He never loved you. And you will not replace his mother!
4. Observe how often mother and son discuss something in a whisper. Sneak up unnoticed, enter, and they will immediately interrupt the conversation. At this moment, look at your mother-in-law. Her eyes will exude genuine hatred.
5. You will understand that the mother-in-law is pathologically jealous of her son if you kiss your loved one in front of her eyes. A kind aunt will definitely prick you, be sarcastic, and exude vileness.
6. Your mother-in-law is trying to dictate her terms to you.
“You should at least once watch how Mitka dresses.” He walks around like a homeless person.
“Don’t even try to turn him against me.” I'll kill you!
7. All kinds of intrigues. Linings in the form of small change on a love bed are not excluded. This action is aimed at separating you.
8. Are you sitting on a chair? If yes, then that's great. It is possible that the mother-in-law entered into a close relationship with her own son for a long time. This is moral and moral degradation. How to understand this? Very simple, actually. Let your hubby walk in front of her in only his shorts, being ready for voluptuous intercourse. Contrive to find yourself at this moment next to your lustful mother-in-law. And if she is tormented by jealousy, she will probably betray herself with a remark and another dissatisfaction. In some cases, the mother-in-law may touch her son, pinch him, or slap him on the butt.
9. Jealousy is not always accompanied by condemnation and reproach. The mother-in-law literally tells her son that when I die, your life will go downhill.
10. A jealous mother-in-law sometimes develops quite good relations with her daughter-in-law. But at any suitable opportunity, she begins to ask about things that make you blush.
The material was prepared by me, Edwin Vostryakovsky.
Don't criticize your daughter-in-law's cooking skills
Of course, every mother wants her son to eat tasty and healthy food. However, you should not make a tragedy out of the fact that your daughter-in-law does not know how to cook or is not yet sufficiently aware of her husband’s taste preferences. Culinary skill is a learned skill; the necessary skills will come with time.
Your task at this stage is to help your son’s chosen one with useful advice, but without sarcastic remarks and stupid jokes. Otherwise, you will forever turn her away from such help and sow the seeds of discord between you.
Don't teach your daughter-in-law how to raise children
Raising children is a difficult task, don’t you know it? However, remember how you yourself reacted to outside help, especially regarding issues of raising a child? Dull irritation, anger and a desire to go against advice - this is a typical reaction of a young mother to the recommendations of outsiders.
If you see that your attempts to help are perceived negatively, then it is better to leave this activity. Otherwise, the relationship with your daughter-in-law will be hopelessly damaged.
Don't bring up your son's ex-girlfriends
Another effective method for quarreling with your daughter-in-law is to regularly remember your son’s former passions in front of her. It is possible that you liked his past partners more, but is this a sufficient reason to ruin your relationship with your current chosen one?
Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: the limits of reason
The wedding ended, and now: There was a bride, there became a wife and a daughter-in-law... One single letter can completely change not only the meaning of a word, but also one’s whole life... The status of a “daughter-in-law” for any woman is a true test of psychological maturity. But for the mother-in-law, the new title also becomes a test of strength. And like any exam, you can pass it, or you can fail it.
Very often in consulting practice you meet women who speak about their mothers-in-law with such horror that you involuntarily think, “Where does all this come from? Are all mothers-in-law like this towards their daughters-in-law?” Why is a mother-in-law the best mother for her own daughter, but “just a monster” for her daughter-in-law? And less often, but still, there are women for whom the mother-in-law has become a truly “second” mother and a real friend.
So, let's try to understand this difficult situation - why hatred often arises between two women who, in fact, love the same man; and how good is the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, myth or reality?
Different views on raising children
Quarrels can also arise due to different views on raising children. A grandmother can either pamper the baby or be too strict with him. Raise him according to the same principles that he raised his son.
In order for the mother-in-law to love her daughter-in-law like a daughter, she must be allowed to take part in raising the children. There is no need to make scandals that children are completely different now and her methods are outdated. On the contrary, ask her for advice or gently make it clear what she is doing wrong. For example, a grandmother wraps her baby up tightly for a walk in warm autumn weather. There is no need to remove everything unnecessary with shouts. It is better, when going outside, to persuade her to dress as warmly as she wrapped the child. Having already felt on the street that she was hot, and therefore the child, she would agree that her daughter-in-law was right.
Where does the mother-in-law's hostility towards her daughter-in-law come from?
The reason for the mother-in-law's hostility towards her daughter-in-law is, first of all, a generational conflict. Why? Because youth is characterized by: maximalism, excessive self-confidence, inability to compromise. And maturity is characterized by rigidity of views, excessive criticality and absolute faith in one’s own rightness and one’s life experience. Hatred between women flares up from the desire for power. And this is understandable. Each of them wants to own the man completely. The wife is the husband, the mother is the son. And it is this thirst for power that causes enormous damage to the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. The daughter-in-law does not want to put up with the authority of the older woman. And the mother-in-law does not even think about the possibility of respecting the feelings and desires of her daughter-in-law, who, in comparison with her, knows her son only “without a week.”
Relationship with daughter-in-law: what not to talk about
If you decide to become a “second mother” for your daughter-in-law, then you need to start with the correct construction of interpersonal communication. It is constructive dialogue that is the first step in the formation of adequate relationships between people.
Therefore, psychologists have identified a number of “forbidden topics” that are best not raised in the presence of the son’s beloved. Let's look at each of them in more detail.
Don't talk about appearance
No woman will be pleased with criticism of her appearance, even disguised as a sincere desire for help. Such recommendations may be perceived by her as attempts at humiliation in front of her husband. Therefore, avoid pointing out your daughter-in-law’s shortcomings in choosing makeup and stop advising diets, otherwise conflicts between you are inevitable.
“No woman will be pleased with criticism of her appearance, even disguised as a sincere desire for help.”
Why does a daughter-in-law hate her mother-in-law?
The cause of hatred between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is, again, a generational conflict. And one more thing: the wife believes that only she has the right to “lead” her husband, and any other woman (even his mother) is deprived of such rights. But the mother-in-law doesn’t know this. She still believes that she has rights to her child, even if this child has already become a dad. From the position of a mother, the mother-in-law considers the young wife to be a hindrance and in many ways stupid and inept. The girl, from the position of a legal wife, considers her mother-in-law to be simply a homewrecker and selfish, often speaking of her only as my mother-in-law is a real “reptile.”
The limits of reason in the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law
How to pass this test with the new title of “mother-in-law” on the one hand, and “daughter-in-law” on the other, with the least losses for both? Some people are lucky - they pass such an exam without preparation. However, you should not rely on luck - the cost of a mistake is too high. As you know, it is better to prepare for any exam in advance.
Face one:
Of course, the best option is to live separately from your parents. However, often even separate housing cannot protect a young family from the all-seeing eye of mothers-in-law. But, nevertheless, the separation of the boundaries of the territory also has a beneficial effect on the psychological boundaries of the families of the parents and the young family. If you decide to move into your mother-in-law’s house, then remember that you are entering a house that already has a mistress. Therefore, in many respects you will have to respect the established family structure in the house and adapt to the rules established in it.
Face two:
Whatever the situation between you and your mother-in-law, never involve your husband in your conflicts, and especially do not allow a situation where he needs to make a choice between his mother and his wife, since the choice may not be made in your favor. Do not show your husband any hostility towards your mother-in-law. A common mistake among women is to believe that a man can resolve differences between his two most beloved women better than they can. On the contrary, the husband will be nervous when he finds himself between two fires: after all, he is forced to choose. Agree, the mother always looks more reliable to almost every man; he has known her since the prenatal period of his life. Understand that your mother-in-law, no matter what she is, is not your rival and she will never be able to take your place. And it depends only on you whether you can find a common language with your mother-in-law.
Face three:
The mother-in-law should remember her relationship with her husband’s mother and the mistakes that both women made and which caused the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law a lot of trouble and inconvenience in communication. Do not express to your son your complaints and comments regarding his wife. Your minor dissatisfaction can become a reason for serious disagreements, and will also undermine your daughter-in-law’s trust in you. Perhaps any show of attention and demonstration of respect for your mother-in-law was as heavy a burden for you as it is now for your daughter-in-law. And the daughter-in-law must understand that sooner or later she will also become a mother-in-law. And before you start sorting things out with your mother-in-law, try to put yourself in her place. You shouldn’t blame your mother-in-law for all your family problems with your husband - they say, she raised you poorly, spoiled her a lot, etc. You yourself chose this person, your husband, and now only you must bear responsibility for this, building your family life together with your spouse.
Face four:
As a mother-in-law, learn to solve all family problems in the presence of your daughter-in-law.
You should not retire to talk separately with your son or secretly call him at work. You should get used to the idea that your new relative also has a say in your discussions. And in everyday and educational matters, try to give advice only if you are asked for
it . By doing this, you will give the young daughter-in-law the opportunity to truly feel like a housewife and mother and become a part of her family. Remember that your son’s wife will definitely defend her everyday sovereignty, so all your interventions can become a reason for conflict. And the daughter-in-law should carefully and respectfully listen to her mother-in-law’s advice on everyday issues, because in many ways her experience can be invaluable. Ask for advice on household matters, ask for recipes for dishes you like. We can say that this is in your own interests: the more your kitchen resembles “mom’s”, the more your husband will appreciate you.
Face five:
Of course, mothers-in-law are different: intolerant, strict, jealous, and overly nervous.
Mothers-in-law, like all people, sometimes get tired, irritated, demand attention to themselves, and are not flexible in their behavior. If a young wife begins to demand that her mother-in-law adapt to her, because she, even though she is young, has “her own pride,” she will not only achieve nothing, but will also show unforgivable stupidity. A wise daughter-in-law herself must adapt to her mother-in-law and become her ally. The path to a mother-in-law's heart runs through her instinct of motherhood.
Those daughters-in-law do the right thing who let them know that they highly value their husband’s upbringing. Any mother is proud that she managed to raise well-mannered children, and mothers of sons are especially proud.
How to find mutual understanding with your mother-in-law
For most women, the pressing problem is what to do when the mother-in-law is jealous of her son. They choose different solutions:
- fall into depression, detach yourself from everything that is happening, this is a dead end road;
- go to the maximum possible distance from your mother-in-law, but often this is impossible for objective reasons, however, it is always worth looking for ways to go to different apartments;
- go for open confrontation, but there is a high probability that the husband will take a neutral position or take the mother’s side and ask his wife for a divorce;
- acting using mother-in-law methods (nagging, remarks, reproaches) is ineffective and unpromising;
- turn the husband against the mother, but this method conflicts with the moral principles of many women;
- not to react to your mother-in-law’s attacks, but not everyone succeeds in this.
The most appropriate method is a frank conversation between all sides of the triangle. It’s good if it takes place with the participation of a qualified psychologist, to whom the daughter-in-law can first contact. He will suggest a competent model of behavior, which should be based on the task of preserving the family with the husband and respect for his mother, who gave birth to and raised him.
It is necessary for the mother-in-law to understand that the son wants to be happy with his wife, who does not replace his mother, but performs a different function; he does not forget his mother, he simply pays less attention to her. Only the son can convey this to an elderly woman through words and actions, so he has a key role in resolving situations of mother-in-law’s jealousy towards her daughter-in-law. Sometimes men withdraw themselves from such a mission, but even if they managed to avoid a direct conversation with their mother at this stage, then later the unresolved problem will make itself felt. The son must present himself to his mother as an adult and self-sufficient person who gets along with all family members.
It is important that both parties to the conflict perceive themselves and each other as full-fledged individuals occupying their unshakable position: the mother-in-law as a woman who gave life to a man, and the daughter-in-law as a woman who fell in love with this man and wants to share life with him. They must be sure that the man loves them both, but this manifests itself in different ways. A young family needs to correctly build personal boundaries and defend them when the mother tries to interfere in life.
The daughter-in-law needs to remember to respect a woman older than herself, who means a lot in the life of her husband. You need to refrain from discussing her son’s actions with your mother-in-law; for her, he will always be the best. You should not share your innermost secrets with her, because the closest person to a woman who gets married should be her husband.
What to do if the mother-in-law is very jealous of her son’s daughter-in-law
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is one of the most popular topics of discussion because misunderstandings often arise between them. It manifests itself in the fact that the mother-in-law is jealous of her son’s daughter-in-law. Often, not only both women suffer, but also the man between them. The advice of a psychologist will help you understand the causes of jealousy and find ways to get rid of it.
Who is to blame and what to do?
There are times when the first of these questions is not particularly relevant and you need to immediately begin solving the second. If your husband’s mother is an absolutely difficult, conflict-ridden and aggressive person, not only in our opinion, but also in the opinion of everyone around her, then the problem is most likely in the peculiarities of her character. Then your task is to try not to provoke scandals. Although you are unlikely to be able to significantly change the situation: such cases are the exception. And if you feel that the hostile attitude concerns only you, then the question of its reasons is very important. Having understood why a person behaves this way and not otherwise, it is easier for us to decide what needs to be done. And this applies not only to relationships with your husband’s parents. Very soon you will realize that children also behave differently with everyone, and your behavior is probably different depending on who you are dealing with.
Why is this happening?
What is the reason for mother's jealousy
To understand the origins of jealousy, you should turn to psychology. Before marriage, a man lived in his family, where he played the role of a son; after the wedding, he took on the role of a husband, and his mother became a mother-in-law, her position changed significantly. The same can be said for the young woman who has taken on the role of daughter-in-law, both women competing for the same man. A family triangle arises: mother-in-law-son-daughter-in-law, from which you need to look for a way out, because such a symbiosis is destructive for all its participants and leads to constant conflicts.
The reasons for a mother-in-law’s jealousy of her daughter-in-law must mainly be sought in the relationship between mother and son during his premarital period:
- the mother-in-law has been without a husband all her life, whom her son replaced, she does not want another woman to replace her, she feels lonely and abandoned, does not know what to devote her free time to;
- the son was the only child in the family, who undividedly received all the parental love, which the parents want to show even after their son’s wedding, believing that his wife will never love him the way they do;
- the mother did everything for her son, he grew up as an infantile person who does not know how to manage his life independently, to defend his point of view, so he cannot argue with his mother, defend his wife in front of her;
- the authoritarianism and selfishness of a mother who wants her son to belong to her completely, to live with her always, she is jealous of everyone, in childhood she suppressed his will, did not perceive him as a person, the mother does not think that her child may never find happiness and end your days alone, the situation becomes more complicated if the daughter-in-law is also a powerful person who does not know how to compromise;
- extolling the merits and abilities of her son, when he grows up, the mother continues to live with the conviction that he is the best, no girl is unworthy of him, jealousy arises towards the daughter-in-law who took away her boy, such a woman is capable of bringing the family of an adult son to divorce.
If the husband is on mom's side
Of course, in cases of maternal jealousy, the husband does not always come to the defense of his wife. If a man is quite infantile (a mama's boy), then he probably will not dare to have a frank conversation, much less a conflict with his mother. He takes his mother-in-law’s negative words about his wife seriously, because he is used to trusting his mother unconditionally (she won’t give bad advice). In such a situation, the family is doomed to destruction.
Such a person will most likely remain lonely in the future. Of course, there is an option that a “knowledgeable” mother will find him a suitable chosen one, in her opinion, but this is very doubtful. After all, the mother-in-law intends to remain the only main woman in her son’s life.
If a son does not protect his wife and is afraid to contradict his mother, then the family is doomed to destruction, and the man himself is doomed to exist under the supervision of a caring mother.
How the feeling manifests itself
It is not always possible to immediately recognize the signs of a mother-in-law’s jealousy if they are well disguised and represent hidden manipulation. And individual manifestations of the character of the husband’s mother in relation to the daughter-in-law do not always indicate the jealousy of the mother-in-law; they can fade away after several years of the existence of a young family.
Many mother-in-law-daughter-in-law clashes occur on domestic grounds, because mothers often cook, clean, and do laundry for their sons right up until their marriage. Young spouses can build their lives differently, then the daughter-in-law may encounter the following phenomena:
- the mother-in-law claims the poor quality of the dishes prepared by the daughter-in-law;
- she finds signs of disorder in the apartment;
- criticizes housekeeping methods;
- the wife’s mother is dissatisfied with her daughter-in-law’s appearance and her habits;
- says that her son is not fed, poorly dressed, etc.;
- the mother-in-law makes dinner for her son, washes, irons, proving his wife’s incompetence, and the two housewives in the house almost never get along;
- the daughter-in-law finds out that her mother-in-law is discussing her behind her back;
- when a quarrel arises between spouses, the husband’s mother is always on his side, even when he is obviously wrong;
- a mother living separately constantly demands her son to come to her for no reason, citing the need for his presence near her.
The mother-in-law does not understand that at the beginning of family life, romance prevails for young people, relegating the everyday side to the background; her son does not always care what kind of mistress his young wife is. Problems can be exacerbated when mother-in-law, son and daughter-in-law live together.
Mom is jealous of her son when she reproaches him for devoting little time to her, forgot about her, and stopped calling her. All this is done in the presence of the daughter-in-law, so that she feels like an invader of the person who left her mother. There is clear competition for the attention of a young man.
Jealousy is also evidenced by harsh statements addressed to the daughter-in-law in the presence of her son in order to denigrate her in his eyes and increase his authority. The mother-in-law can resort to forbidden techniques: humiliating her daughter-in-law when her children are nearby - her grandchildren, showing them what a bad mother they have.
Another daughter-in-law
The mother-in-law has already found a daughter-in-law for her son. And he doesn’t want to see another girl in her place. She can specifically point out her wife’s shortcomings in front of her son and say that the girl she introduced him to would not have allowed this. And do this on any appropriate occasion.
Here you can try to please your mother-in-law, trying to correct your shortcomings. But we must remember that the girl did not marry his mother. And maybe it was her shortcomings that attracted her husband (according to her mother-in-law), and having eradicated them, she might become uninteresting to him. The best way out is patience; you just need to ignore the comments. Over time, the mother-in-law will calm down and accept the girl. And grandchildren will only speed up the process of reconciliation.
