The husband is a domestic tyrant. Signs and psychology of an abuser
Most victims of a domestic tyrant do not know that they are in a situation of abuse (domestic violence), because the tyrant husband does not always go to the extent of beatings or gross insults. But assault and rudeness are not the only signs of a domestic tyrant. And it usually doesn’t come to open violence in relationships right away. Before this, years may pass when the victim is already in abuse, without realizing it, but gradually collapsing.
A tyrant husband usually manifests himself almost from the very beginning, even at the stage of courtship. These can be very different manifestations, united only by a single motivation, rooted in the psychological characteristics of the tyrant. To understand its essence, let’s first clarify the non-obvious signs of domestic tyranny - alarm bells, both in the husband’s behavior and in the state of the victim and the characteristics of the relationship.
Despotism
The term despotism refers to a system of government in which the whole is subject to absolute authority. This whole can be an individual, like an autocracy, or a group of people, like an oligarchy. Despot, originally a Greek word meaning a person with absolute power. The term has been used to describe different types of rulers throughout history, from a local chief, a tribal leader, to a king or emperor. In despotism, the despot has full power to rule over others who are considered inferior or auxiliary. Despotism is best described by early statehood, like the pharaohs of Egypt.
Signs of a domestic tyrant
The most important “bell” of the beginning of abuse: a man treats you, an adult, like a parent suffering from overprotection, takes care of, controls, “educates.” Perhaps guardianship seems to you like “caring” or even a sign of love, but alas, sooner or later prohibitions and punishments will appear. Here are some “red flags” - signs of a tyrant:
- He undertakes to solve your problems even without your request, as if you yourself are not capable, condescendingly dismissing you
- He knows better than you what you need and what is best for you, and he is trying to impose this vision on you.
- He tells you what to wear, how to behave, where to go, what to do. And how did you live without it before?
- The man controls your actions - he constantly calls, asks for an account of what-where-when-why you did
- They will check your phone, email, correspondence on social networks
- A man criticizes and evaluates your hobbies, tastes, style, figure, abilities
- He encourages you to “improve” - to “correct” points he criticized or to cultivate in yourself what he likes. From “it wouldn’t hurt for you to go to fitness” to “why do you need this university - it’s better to learn how to cook”
- He praises you from above, like a child: “well done,” smart girl.”
- The man is jealous / claims ownership of you, as if he bought you - “you are mine”, “I won’t give you to anyone”, etc.
- He “forbids” you something. It doesn’t matter whether the prohibition is directly expressed or whether he asks, explaining that he is “worried” and “nervous”
- He criticizes your family and friends, slanderes them and tries to limit your communication with them
- The man insists on respect for him as the “main thing”, on the fact that his opinion is by default correct and binding - “because I said so”
- Indirect: He often accuses you of disrespecting him when you disagree with his opinion.
- He directly declares himself the “head of the family” and demands “obedience”
- He accuses you of lust for power
- A man is always right, does not apologize for his actions, but demands an apology from you
- If he does apologize for something, he still makes you feel guilty: “I lost my temper because you provoked/pushed me”
- His promises to improve always contain conditions for you: “this will not happen again if you …”
- A man manipulates, making you feel guilty, using silence, anger, demonstrative resentment, pressure on feelings (pity, love)
- He often shifts responsibility for his actions/emotions/mood onto you/other people/circumstances
- His jokes “bite” - they contain derogatory overtones for you
- A man accuses you of inadequacy, mental abnormality, stupidity, “female logic”
- He loves to talk about how “a woman should...”
- He believes in fundamental differences in the “nature” of men and women and explains his or your behavior by this difference
- The man says: “I will never offend you”, “I will never hurt you”
- He threatens divorce/breakup if you “behave badly”
Despotism
The term "despotism" refers to a system of government in which a single entity rules with absolute power. This single entity may be an individual, like an autocracy, or a group of people, representing an oligarchy. Despot, originally a Greek word, means a person with absolute power. The term has been used to describe different types of rulers throughout history, from a local chief, a tribal chief, to a king or emperor. In despotism, the despot has full powers to rule over others, who are considered inferior or auxiliary. Despotism is best described by early statehood, like the pharaohs of Egypt.
Tyrant husband - who is this?
A domestic tyrant or despot is a person obsessed with a thirst for power. Therefore, he is preoccupied with the question Who is the boss in the house?, the slightest “disobedience” drives him nuts. When he feels that someone or something is out of his control, it threatens his sense of omnipotence, so he strives to suppress the will of those under his control at any cost. If they even simply express their opinion, he regards this as an attack on his authority.
More than anything else, the tyrant is afraid of losing the power he has acquired, and therefore is always busy trying to prevent anyone from commanding him. He imagines that his throne is in danger - and he defends his positions, even if objectively no one threatens him. That is why he insists on his decisions, even unreasonable ones, and is practically incapable of making concessions or agreeing with someone else’s opinion - for him this means submitting, that is, giving power to another.
The tyrant husband will make sure that his wife depends on him as much as possible, which is achieved very simply - he forbids her to work and gives her as many children as possible. At the beginning of a relationship, while he is still not sure that the victim is in his hands, the prohibition may look soft - he will nobly say that “his woman should not work.”
The tyrant husband will not only be against work, but also against her communication with friends and relatives, against study and hobbies - everything that challenges his undivided control of her thoughts and feelings. External dependence is not enough for him - he wants to own a person completely.
The domestic tyrant manifests itself in all its glory when the victim becomes helpless and objectively dependent - during pregnancy or after childbirth. Then he begins not only to dominate her in every possible way - psychologically, economically and physically, but also to humiliate and insult the victim. Before this, he often unconsciously hides his intentions in order to lure her into the net.
Psychology of the tyrant - neurotic desire for power
From a psychological point of view, power itself is a neurosis, an “obsessive desire for power.” This desire to suppress, subjugate and humiliate others hides in the subconscious and controls a person’s actions. Consciously, he usually does not admit to himself such an ugly tendency, and in order to explain his actions, he rationalizes them. An example of such rationalization is discussions about “patriarchal traditions” in all variants, secular and religious.
A neurotic of this type divides all people into “strong” and “weak” - admiring the first and despising the second. He also despises himself for his weakness, but will never admit it - it is precisely to compensate for weakness and self-doubt that the neurotic desire for power serves. That is why it is obsessive and insatiable in nature, because the feeling of his worthlessness secretly gnaws at the neurotic constantly - and he constantly needs to receive confirmation of his strength and power.
This is the essence of the tyrant's internal conflict - weakness and self-contempt, repressed and compensated by dominance over others. He is consumed by the fear of exposure and escaping reality is vital for him. After all, as soon as he sees his weakness, his world will collapse. Naturally, he considers himself “a leader, strong and courageous” - and is very proud of it. Pride, as we know, always grows in the place of missing dignity.
For this reason, the tyrant has a very sensitive pride; he does not recognize not only jokes on himself, but also any doubt about his correctness, competence, intelligence, strength, dexterity, etc. He is the best and is always right - period! That is why he reacts so painfully and violently to any disagreement with his opinion or objection. He is even annoyed that something does not go as he planned - after all, he would like to control not only people, but also events.
By the way, patients with a neurotic desire for power often get carried away by various esotericism and become adherents of mystical cults and totalitarian sects. Secret knowledge promises them power over the world and destinies, and cults promise them power over living people after achieving a certain degree of initiation, and in both cases - a sense of superiority. This path, as the safest, is often chosen by tyrants - women. Not only men suffer from an obsessive desire for power. We discussed the desire for power “like a woman” in the article about men and women’s wisdom.
It is very important for a neurotic to be superior to others, and therefore he jealously compares himself with them all the time. He constantly looks for and finds reasons to despise others. People in general exist for him only as objects for self-affirmation, and therefore he sees relationships only in the light of dominance. And not only relationships - his whole life is filled with desperate attempts to assert himself, which is why his actions often seem illogical.
It is easy to win the tyrant's favor - it is enough to flatter his sense of self-importance, express admiration, and submit to him. It makes him happy! His dream is to always have a source of self-affirmation at hand, and he will encourage this behavior by fulfilling the small, humble requests of the victim.
The tyrant may even praise her for her weakness and humility, which, however, does not prevent him from despising her, simply because he is incapable of respect in principle - only fear. However, when he decides that the victim is not going anywhere, praise will give way to unceremonious demands.
A domestic tyrant builds relationships with others based on fear. These are not necessarily brutal physical threats. A neurotic is always a brilliant manipulator, sensitive to his partner’s weaknesses. He builds relationships in such a way that the victim is always afraid of his anger, disfavor, bad mood, leaving...
In addition to fear, a good control lever gives a feeling of guilt - and the tyrant will not forget to carefully cultivate it in the victim along with lowering his self-esteem. She is charged with a lot of debt, and is constantly reprimanded for its careless performance. “Educate” and “punish” are the tyrant’s favorite pastime. This applies to both children and wife - to everyone who has fallen into the power of a tyrant. He takes no less pleasure in training dogs.
It was the tyrants who came up with the “carrot and stick” method - a person who respects himself and others would never think of interacting in such a way. Reasonable people can always come to an agreement, but the tyrant does not allow rationality in the victim, and the agreement deprives him of the pleasure of power - therefore he chooses the path of reward and punishment, feeling almost like a god who decides destinies. Before those who are stronger than him or in power, he subserviently, secretly hating them and looking for mistakes.
How did it happen that a person became neurotic? Let his psychoanalyst figure it out. It is enough for us to know that the desire for power is a disease. The tyrant is not his own master - neurosis will act for him, no matter what he promises. This disease will definitely not go away on its own, and will progress over the years. The only way to cure it is for the person himself to admit that he is sick and turn to a psychotherapist or engage in deep introspection. But the trouble is that such individuals are not inclined to self-analysis and do not feel sick.
tyranny
According to Plato and Aristotle, tyranny refers to a system in which the tyrant ruled without any law to fulfill his own interests without any concern for the subjects and used unethical and cruel tactics to torture test subjects and use foreign mercenaries as soldiers . In ancient Greece, tyrants rose to power, supported by peasants and a growing middle class. Although they had no legal right to rule, they were preferable to the aristocracy.
