Sad girl: UGC How to deal with a tyrant husband? Unfortunately , this question asked , even though the Domostroev era long gone. Women have taken an equal in society and in families and combine caring for the home with the pursuit of other in their lives . But since the Middle Ages there has been a tradition of not taking into account a opinion , not respecting her. Some men retained despotic behavior in their families. In this case, for wives , the question of how to live with a tyrant becomes a problem of survival.
“When he started drinking, he became inhuman”
Anastasia Volkova
Elena is 52 years old. She lived 30 of them with her tyrant husband. “When he started drinking, he became subhuman. Another creature who doesn’t feel sorry for anyone at all. Like a wild animal with crazy eyes." Elena managed to escape and start living differently. In 2021, she bought a wooden house built in 1905 - a former school. And three months ago she moved to the village to renovate her house and fulfill her dreams - to take in foster children, organize an artel and give shelter to victims of violence like herself.
In the village, we are greeted with loud barks by Mira and Mona, Elena’s dogs, who moved with their owner from an agricultural town in the Orsha region. The lock clangs - and Elena herself comes out along with her daughter Sophia . They give a tour of the house they currently live in.
The school house that Elena bought had not yet been renovated, so a neighbor offered them housing - free of charge, they only had to pay for electricity. “Everyone is fine: we have a roof over our heads, and he has a tidy house, and it’s constantly heated,” says Elena.
The house is cozy and lived-in. There is a desk for high school student Sophia, an entire room is dedicated to a workshop with a sewing machine, endless cuts of fabric and spools of thread. Elena is a teacher by training, but now earns money by sewing.
Three cats, two dogs and a puppy, Valet, live in the house. They dropped him at Elena’s door when they found out that she was a volunteer in Orsha and helped homeless animals.
Elena's daughter Sophia.
Elena describes how she and her daughter are getting used to life in a village house after a three-room apartment. How they want to plant a garden, and there are always grapes in it as a symbol of family life, which never really existed.
He talks cheerfully, but looks at us with a questioning, anxious smile. She knows that light-hearted questions about the dogs, the house, and the recipe for the chocolate cake she baked in the oven will be followed by hard questions about her husband and her past life.
Types of tyrant husbands
A tendency towards tyranny can manifest itself in different ways, but most often a man acts this way:
- Strives to control everything.
It is important for a domestic tyrant to always know who is and where he is. He may ask why his wife took five minutes longer to get from the stop, how much she spent and what she bought. He even cares about the plot of his partner’s dreams.
Every day a wife receives hundreds of questions from her tyrant husband. Simply remaining silent here will not work, so it is better to give an answer right away, otherwise his suspicion will reach its peak and conflict cannot be avoided. The main problem lies in the fact that a man covers up his behavior with concern for his beloved. This approach often does not allow a woman to quickly recognize obsession.
Over time, the husband forbids his wife to intersect with all members of the opposite sex, including relatives, and does not trust her colleagues and friends. He monitors the movement of vehicles on maps, checks his wife’s page on social networks, carefully looks at what she wears and how she makes up. Such a person may well install a listening device at home.
3 important steps
which every woman should go through
Anika Snagovskaya
Author and presenter of women's trainings on harmonizing feminine energy. Master of removing limiting beliefs and master of constellations.
I have prepared three lessons for you that will help you better understand yourself, remove the restrictions that prevent you from feeling loved and living happily.
01
Video lesson with meditation: 5 states of femininity
You will learn about 5 female states that exist in every woman, how they manifest themselves and which archetypes are most manifested in you and which are not developed.
02
Video lesson + meditation: How to let go of past relationships
I’ll tell you what you need to do to free your heart from old feelings and break the energy threads connecting you with your past partner.
03
Audio recording: Neuro-af
Thanks to this neuro-affirmation, you can regain self-love and feel sincere gratitude and happiness for every day.
✕
Top 3 useful materials that will help you know yourself better
And start a new, happy life for yourself.
Video lesson with meditation: 5 states of femininity
Video lesson + meditation: How to let go of past relationships
Audio recording: Neuro-af
Take your gifts!
- Devalues his wife's actions.
Insulting his wife is the norm for such a man, because it is important for him to suppress her will and self-esteem. No matter how much a woman tries, he will never be satisfied: the soup is too salty, the hair is poorly dyed, the clothes are inappropriate, the smile is crooked.
Humiliation can take a humorous and sweet form, and in the speech of a tyrant husband there are phrases: “Who will tell you the truth, if not me?”, “You will simply die without me,” etc.
If, through the efforts of a man, you begin to doubt yourself, think about why he still hasn’t left you, since you are so sloppy and clumsy? The answer is simple: he perceives you as a source of energy and inspiration - only thanks to his chosen one can a despot gain confidence and assert himself.
- Shows aggression.
This is the most dangerous type, since such a tyrant husband is prone to physical violence. It is not enough for him to morally humiliate the victim, so he reinforces his words with actions. We are talking about a person of mood who does not control his anger and cannot say for sure what will set him off this time. For example, a red rag turns out to be the look of your spouse, an unsuccessful dish, an outfit or a smile. A man may be infuriated by the fact that his wife expressed her position or remained silent. It’s difficult to guess, because it’s not the woman herself who is to blame, but, for example, a dog that barked under the window early in the morning and did not allow the man to sleep.
There are two types of aggressive husbands. The former understand the asociality and illegality of their actions, so they always ask for forgiveness for what they have done. And the latter are confident that they have every right to do this.
Among individuals of this type, there are often people with alcohol addiction, and the combination of aggression and alcohol is quite capable of leading to tragedy.
It is worth noting that only rare tyrant husbands fit into one of the described categories - more often they combine different qualities.
Slaps and slaps on the head came already in the first years of marriage
“My husband and I met by chance,” Elena recalls. “Everything started to spin very quickly.” He immediately offered to live together, then quickly invited her to marry. He never left my side. And how beautifully he spoke! I believed him. My parents died shortly before we met. He took me “lukewarm” - in a state of shock. He easily convinced me of his reliability, which was so lacking.
When we started talking about her husband, Elena’s manner of speaking changed dramatically. Not a trace remains of the cheerful chatter.
“And so we started living together,” Elena continues. “We didn’t fight often at first. At that time I already had little Seryozhka, a son from my first marriage. It really influenced me - that Seryozhka liked him. Bribed me.
Elena says that slaps and slaps on the head came already in the first years of their life together. The woman always found an excuse for this - they say, it was her own fault. But after 11 years of marriage, more severe beatings began.
The family had financial problems and had to go to Russia to earn money. Elena got a job at the market, but her husband could not find a job for a long time. He said: “Well, I won’t go to the market as a loader.”
He has only a basic education, but his hands are golden - he earned money by finishing work in houses and apartments. But in the end I had to go to the market. He didn’t bring money home - he drank and skipped. And he raised his hand more and more often. Even when Elena became pregnant.
“I had a case,” says Elena. “I was walking through the city after another scandal - pregnant with David at that time. I saw the headlights shining and stepped under the car. The driver braked and jumped out. At first he began to scold me. Then I saw that I was all in tears, I realized what state I was in. He put me in the car to talk. He turned out to be a policeman, an investigator. He supported me then. He said that you can report your husband so that he doesn’t let go. But I was afraid - we were nobody in Russia.
Elena forgave her husband again. But the “swing” – beatings and apologies – continued. The woman kicked her husband out only when she became pregnant again. And she found out that only she wants this child.
“Then my husband wanted to return. He said that in order to provide for his family, he would go to Israel. He will make money there, everything will be cool. I fell for it again. Listen, he can lie so beautifully. I'm ashamed, but I believed. I needed to trust someone, and he was there. If someone told me: “Open your eyes, look wider. This, this is wrong,” I would draw attention to. But I was alone. There were no close people; all acquaintances in Russia were casual. Forgave, forgave - betrayal, drunkenness, beatings.
Does a husband beat his wife or children and make threats? - Run!
If your husband beats you, strangles you, throws objects, if the tyrant raised his hand to you at least once - run! Even if he apologizes and promises to improve, don’t believe it! And even more so if he thinks that he is hitting “for the cause”, or says that it was you who provoked him (pushed him). Although they are very close from an apology to confidence in their innocence... Do not flatter yourself with empty hopes - such people do not improve! Don’t think that you can improve relationships with concessions or influence him with your love, don’t listen to his words about love - they’re just words. And it is dangerous for you to be around such a person !
If a tyrant does not touch you, but mocks a child - raises him with beatings and humiliation, then this is not a reason to endure and relax - in this case, you need to run even faster, because injuries received in childhood (and the younger - the worse) cause much greater damage to the psyche of a defenseless child than the injuries you received. But the child cannot do anything - he depends on you. If you are pregnant, then this applies to you too.
I emphasize about children, because I often come across cases when a woman tolerates a tyrant for one reason or another and turns a blind eye to what he does to the child. In my opinion, the health of a child is something that is more important than our feelings and fears and is a sufficient reason to run away without hesitation. You are a mother - he believes you, and you are responsible for him, and a mother can move mountains for the sake of her beloved child!
I cannot physically help you or even advise you what to do personally if your husband beats you, but I can tell you where you can go for help. Good news for you - every victim of domestic tyranny has the opportunity to get real legal, psychological and even financial help! Often women do not know their rights or opportunities and endure an unbearable situation for years, because they do not see any way out and do not know where to turn.
Almost every city has special centers to help women who are victims of domestic violence, where you can safely turn, and in large cities these centers are located in every district. Their addresses and telephone numbers can be easily found on the Internet at the request of a crisis center, a center for assistance to victims of violence, a center for social assistance to families and children. If your husband beats you, humiliates you, threatens you, or otherwise terrorizes you, and you have nowhere to escape and no one to protect you, feel free to contact the crisis center! It is for such cases that these centers were created.
“Tell me how he beat? He just held me by the head and kicked me in the face, tearing out my hair."
Elena falls silent and looks out the window for a long time. We are sitting in a sunlit room. On the floor is a patient suitcase that has not been disassembled since September, on the wall is a painting that Elena made herself, on the table are photographs of a woman with children. Without a husband. “Tell me how he beat?” – Elena asks with a bitter smile.
– I remember in 2002 we bought a computer on credit. It was on the birthday of his daughter from his first marriage. The husband got very drunk and caused a scandal. I stood in the kitchen and cooked. As I see it now: I was stirring the goulash in a large frying pan with an iron handle. He came up to me and started beating me. I reached for the frying pan and began to choke. I grabbed the handle and, along with the goulash, hit him in the head. He went wild.
He then beat me like that! He just held me by the head and kicked me in the face, tearing out my hair. Trampled me. He beat me so bad! I was all blue. Again, the question is - why didn’t I leave then?
Elena sighs and moves her hands through her jacket.
“Then he said to me, “Oh, sorry!” - with tears in his eyes. “Forgive me, I'm a fool. How could I do this?!” Lord, what fools we women are! We are led by beautiful words, beautiful gestures, crocodile tears. For the same tears. Well, you can’t believe this, you can’t. Because then your whole life is derailed anyway. Then children appear, children suffer. Nothing good will happen. It's better to tear it up right away. To survive, to get over it, to endure. And start living differently.
Elena does not call her husband by name - only the impersonal “husband.” “Sasha” came out only once, when the woman spoke out and asked not to return to this topic again.
“Where should I go? I didn't have my own home. And it’s very expensive to shoot.”
After her husband returned from Israel to Russia, Elena packed her things and left with the children for Belarus. He did not bring the promised money to the family, and during the year of living in Israel, he was not particularly interested in how Elena copes with two children. The woman went to Babichi, Orsha district - her sister and grandmother lived there. I got a job - first as a salesperson in a cafeteria, then as a social work specialist, then as a watchman at a poultry farm.
- My husband came up. "Sorry" again. And again, stupidly, I forgave him. The children asked: “Mom, let’s live with dad. Let dad be there." And I listened to the children. Then I didn’t really believe his words anymore. But my husband got rental housing - a three-room apartment. We lived practically like neighbors. I just endured it. If only it was quiet. There was no friendly family. So they lived together for another 11 years.
Sophia listens to her mother's story in silence, stroking the puppy on her lap.
“I felt that I needed to leave my husband,” Elena continues. -Where should I go? I didn't have my own home. And it's very expensive to shoot. I felt that my salary was not enough. I started looking for options. I went to the bank and asked to calculate the loan that they could give me. If I want to buy any house in the village - even the size of a bathhouse. I was told that my income was too low.
I remember then walking across the field with the dogs and praying. Lord, God, is there anyone in heaven? Well, someone help me! It is impossible to live the same way. And every day I walked with the dogs, every day I called out to the universe. She raised her hands to the sky and screamed. If anyone had seen me at that time, they would probably have thought: “What a fool.”
Elena not only sews and repairs clothes, but also makes brooches, bags, toys, and paintings.
Many people can “try on” Elena’s story. Every third woman in Belarus is subjected to physical violence, not to mention other types of violence - sexual, psychological, economic. Women are bullied not by strangers, but by those closest to them - husbands, fathers, sons, brothers.
Only a third of affected women seek help. Most often because it is embarrassing to talk about your problem. And also because, like Elena, there is simply nowhere to go. So that women can leave the aggressor and receive temporary protection, the non-profit organization “Radislava” created the “Shelter” project.
This is a house where a woman from any corner of Belarus can come at any time for free to live with her children and, in addition, receive psychological and legal assistance. Over the 11 months of 2021, the “Shelter” project, thanks to the financial support of IMEN readers, helped 84 people, of whom 44 were women and 40 children.
Where to complain
- First of all, we go to the police .
- If there is harm to health, we record it . Pulled hair, bruises, fractures, dislocations.
- We tell the forensic expert who will record the beatings about the pain during palpation , and ask him to record the color of the bruises and bruises. We explain where they came from and ask that this be reflected in the inspection report .
- If violence occurs, you should try to record what is happening using audio or video. Take photographs of the damage on yourself. This will be proof that you are in danger. It won't always be audio proof, but it will show the environment you're in.
“I’ll sooner crush you and drive you to your grave than give you a divorce.”
Elena also contacted the “Shelter”. She was advised on the legal issues of divorce and was offered to come to Minsk and move into the “Shelter” house. But Elena decided to take a different path. In 2018, she saw on the news how a man bought a castle in the Novogrudok region from the state property database for one “basic” ruble - 24.5 rubles. And she decided that her calls to the universe were heard. The woman found an electronic database of state property for sale and began choosing a house for herself.
– I was looking, of course, away from my husband – Brest, Grodno regions. And I found it at the right price and location. I was embarrassed that the house - a former school - was very large. 700 square meters. But I fell in love with him. Everything there breathes with antiquity, with some special village spirit - the house is from 1905.
I understand that it is dilapidated and that there is a lot of work. But what a tree! Imagine, the house is more than a hundred years old, but it stands evenly and firmly. In the attic, the resin still protrudes from the ceilings. The pine tree is 100 years old and still alive. You see, alive!
For two years, Elena led a double life: she hid paperwork and trips 500 kilometers away from her husband. He didn’t want a divorce, he said: “I’ll crush you faster, take you to your grave, than give you a divorce.” I had to leave without warning one day in advance. The husband first called and threatened, then drank and cried. And two weeks later he brought to the apartment a woman whom he had been dating for a long time.
Where to turn if your husband beats you?
First, you need to search the Internet for the nearest crisis center, and then think about how to contact the center itself. I advise you to find the address and telephone number of a crisis center in your region right now and save them in your phone - just in case. The search most often contains only telephone numbers, addresses and e-mails of women's assistance centers. Not everyone has a website—apparently, they don’t care about websites. But a telephone is enough for us, right? Some crisis centers also have websites where you can read useful materials. I found several websites of women’s help centers as examples, for the largest cities:
- There are several crisis centers in Moscow, for example: Crisis Center for Women and Children
- There are also many crisis centers in St. Petersburg, one of them: “Ingo” - a crisis center for women
- There are also several crisis centers in Yekaterinburg, the website of one: Crisis
If you haven’t found anything at all for your city or region, then here is a universal lifesaver, which I also found on the Internet - an all-Russian toll-free helpline:
Sophia smiles and says that she would never trade her new calm life for the old one.
Elena enthusiastically invites us to look at her acquisition. A few minutes and we are near the school. This is a huge building with stove heating: one part was built in 1905, and the second in 1953. Until 2009, children still studied here. Their photographs are now lying on the floor in one of the offices. Elena says that she will not throw them away. Will allocate a separate room for photographs - a room of memories. Not a museum, that sounds boring. Elena doesn’t know who the first owner of the house was, but she definitely wants to dig up the archives.
A woman gives a tour: a teachers’ room, a literature room, a storage room, a large assembly hall with a stage, a technical room with a sign saying “Emergency Exit.”
“The first time I saw the sign, I thought it was a sign. This is an emergency exit for you - take it.
Sophia leads us to the room she chose for herself - the former “Pionerskaya”. This is an attic room with a balcony.
“Sophia, don’t you regret that you moved from a three-room apartment to an old house without sewerage, without water?” Sophia smiles and says that she would never trade her new calm life for the old one. And her mother adds: “In recent years, Sophia has begun to stoop and her eyesight has deteriorated. She was always waiting for something bad to happen.” The sons do not live with their mother. The eldest, Sergei, has long been an adult and lives separately. And David is now serving in the army.
Elena has many plans for the house. She wants to renovate it and turn it into an agricultural estate, live there with her daughter and invite guests. And in the neighboring building, which Elena received along with the school, create a creative artel. There the woman wants to equip workshops - carpentry, pottery - and attract local residents to work so that they do not leave. Now there are only 30 inhabited houses in the village, all the rest are abandoned.
For now, Elena earns money to renovate her house by repairing clothes. But there are very few orders - you can count the people in the area on your fingers. “They just brought the jacket. How much I earn there - three rubles. In a coat, the sleeves need to be shortened - six rubles. Once there was an order - they paid 15 rubles.” To earn more, Elena agreed that she would run clubs for children at the Tourism Center in a neighboring city. But the coronavirus interfered with the plans. Work is on pause for now.
“In general, I would like it if I didn’t live alone,” says Elena. – The house is large, and I expect that children will live in several rooms. I wanted to become a foster mother when I lived in the Orsha region, my children agreed. My husband let us down then. When all the documents were ready, he came somehow drunk, attacked his son, and began to beat him. I stood up, he beat me, we called the police. We were registered as a dysfunctional family. Well, who would give us children after this? Everything went to waste. But I think I can do it here without my husband.
Elena says that if she can’t take in foster children, she will turn to the “Threads of Friendship” project, which is supported by “NAMES” readers, to become a foster carer.
– I can offer housing from your project to the homeless. Let them come and help with the repairs. And I can shelter women who suffered the same with their husbands. It doesn't matter to me what happens here. It is important that I will be happy here. And I will make other people happy. Because how I lived before... I, of course, smiled, didn’t talk, was polite. Few people could believe that they were beating me. Because it’s a shame, well, it’s a shame to talk about it, you know? Because they will say: “Why aren’t you doing anything?” And I wouldn’t even be able to answer properly. It felt like I was living in a dream. The state was half strangled. But now I have escaped. It wasn't easy, but I did it.
Behavioral tactics during divorce proceedings
If the spouse has given his consent to the divorce, then you should prepare for the fact that he will not help in the future, either financially or physically. It often happens that tyrants continue to put pressure and intimidate their “still spouse” with threats of physical violence.
Even having recorded his threats on a tape recorder, it is almost impossible to get his arrest or other influence on him from the police. It makes sense to simply change your phone number for a while and move to another city or to a rented apartment.
In a word, you need to isolate yourself from his intrusive presence. Time heals and soothes. Having waited for the divorce, meeting in court will no longer be so scary; a woman who has escaped domestic violence is able to strengthen herself morally and become a real fighter who knows what she wants and what she deserves.
As for the child, especially children under 14 years of age, who by law do not have the right to choose which parent to live with, the court gives preference in favor of the mother. Therefore, he is unlikely to be able to legally take the child, but by stealing him, the tyrant himself risks going to jail.
Dear readers! To solve your problem right now, get a free consultation
— contact the on-duty lawyer in the online chat on the right or call:
+7
— Moscow and region.
+7
— St. Petersburg and region.
8
- Other regions of the Russian Federation
You will not need to waste your time and nerves
- an experienced lawyer will take care of solving all your problems!
