We live in strange times when everyone tends to think only about themselves. The general pursuit of maximum comfort and all kinds of pleasures leads to the fact that the souls of many become callous. We easily pass by the grief of others, do not pay attention to the weak and suffering, we try to protect ourselves from any negativity, forgetting that life is fleeting and often cruel. Youth, strength, health are by no means eternal categories, and compassion for one’s neighbor and readiness to come to the aid of one’s own kind are necessary conditions for the survival of society. Therefore, the question of how to help people is very relevant. If you look around, you can see how many of our fellow citizens need support and immediate assistance. Children, old people, disabled people – these are the weakest and most defenseless categories of the population.
Who needs help?
Young, strong and healthy people are able to cope with emerging problems themselves. But the weak and infirm, which primarily include children, the elderly and the disabled, often require help and support from other people. Look around: perhaps there is a lonely sick person living next door to you, who from time to time needs to replenish food supplies and buy medicine at the pharmacy, but it is difficult for him to do this himself.
Not all older people have relatives either. So old men and women hobble through the ice to the store and pharmacy, risking falling and breaking their arm or leg. And if such a person gets sick, he often finds himself in a disastrous and helpless situation. Take a closer look at your neighbors: which of them needs your support? If correspondence has not been removed from a mailbox for a long time, and you know that a lonely elderly or disabled person lives in this apartment, ring his doorbell and ask what happened and why he does not leave the house for a long time.
The help of volunteer volunteers is always needed in nursing homes, boarding schools for the disabled, orphanages, hospitals and hospices. In any city there are sure to be several institutions where volunteer helpers will be welcomed with open arms. If you don’t yet know how to help people, then first call one of these places, or better yet, go and find out how they can help.
What is rescuer syndrome
Rescuer syndrome is not an officially recognized disorder, but it really darkens people's lives and requires serious work. Unlike other people, the “rescuer” helps not out of a sincere desire, but as if forcing himself. He is convinced that the only way to get something is to fulfill the desires and requests of others. This is how the authors of a study prepared by psychotherapists from the French business school INSEAD and the European School of Management and Technology explain the basis of the syndrome. Dependence on the desire to help is even compared to food, alcohol, nicotine and drug addiction.
The syndrome was first described in 1968 by psychotherapist Stephen Karpman in the article “Fairy Tales and Analysis of Scripted Drama.” In it, he presented a psychosocial model of relationships, the so-called Karpman triangle, where he identified three roles that people can occupy in different life situations: Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.
- The Persecutor, or Aggressor, tries to control, blame, and threaten others.
- The victim believes that he is under the influence of a person or situation and does not take responsibility for what is happening because he thinks that he cannot change anything.
- The Rescuer strives to help the Victim or the Aggressor, but his actions are driven not so much by concern for his neighbors as by the desire to assert himself, to feel complete and significant. As a result, the Rescuer takes on someone else's responsibility, forgetting about his own needs, and at the same time does not solve the other person's problem.
Psychotherapist Amy Lander, writing for a UK therapist matching service, points out that a rescuer chooses this role to provide a sense of self-image and a way to connect with others. When a rescuer doesn't have the ability or means to help for a period of time, their self-esteem is likely to suffer greatly, she said. By immersing himself in the problems of others, he avoids his own unresolved issues.
The rescuers themselves are not happy with their role.
Coach and supervisor Andrea Durban writes in Pure Coaching that rescuers may enjoy helping, but find it difficult to achieve complete satisfaction. They risk disappointment if they don't get the expected response from people. Rescuers are also afraid to refuse and perform certain actions to their own detriment for fear of being rejected. Arina, 22 years old
I lived with rescuer syndrome from about 14 to 20 years old. I felt that I had an obligation to help everyone, whether they asked me for it or not. I found a kind of pleasure in this and, by “helping others,” I tried to increase my self-worth, primarily for myself. But at the same time, I also felt disappointment. It was unbearably offensive when they literally sent me with my seemingly good motive to help.
The syndrome manifested itself in friendship. A particularly telling situation was when my friend was having problems in her relationship. I tried to solve them, but in the end I remained extreme. This also affected my relationships: I felt like a horse that was carrying everything, this entailed quarrels, discontent, scandals, reproaches and the end of the relationship. This is a typical scenario that has been repeated time after time.
The syndrome is scary because you don’t notice it in the moment. At the age of 20, after another “failed” relationship, I found myself in a psychotherapist’s chair, I found an amazing specialist, my syndrome was worked out, and it took very little time. My life has changed: the eternal “whiners” disappeared, they were replaced by conscious and purposeful people, I met a worthy person with whom the rescuer syndrome never even turned on.
Nursing homes and boarding schools for the disabled
It just so happens that in our society it is customary to think about the elderly as the last thing. If someone says: “I want to help people,” then he first of all goes to an orphanage, and this, of course, is very good, but the question is: who will visit the elderly in a nursing home? After all, old people are like children in their helplessness and weakness, but, unfortunately, they can no longer evoke either tenderness or special sympathy.
Yes, old people can be obnoxious, capricious, and irritable, but they have lived a long life and, of course, deserve that society treats them more gently and attentively. Yes, in nursing homes, elderly people should be provided with professional medical care, but, as is known, there is a catastrophic shortage of service personnel in such institutions, which cannot but negatively affect the quality of life of their residents.
Come to a boarding school for the elderly and disabled, visit the head and find out how you can help. Sometimes not much is required: sitting next to you, reading a book out loud, or just listening to an old person. And sometimes the help is more serious: cleaning the room, feeding the weak, etc.
How to spot rescuer syndrome
Rescuer syndrome can be distinguished from altruism by the reason a person gives for helping. Clinical psychologist Mary Lamia, MD, explains in an article for Psychology Today that healthy helping is built on the desire to improve the life of another. The activity of a rescuer is connected precisely with his emotional needs, the need to assert himself and feel approval.
The rescuer perceives and evaluates himself through caring for others, but cannot always understand whether this care is necessary. And if someone is in a really difficult situation, the actions of the rescuer can even be harmful. The rescuer suppresses and underestimates the initiative of the one he is helping, and expects the person to simply follow his instructions.
Psychotherapists and coaches have prepared a checklist of 25 questions to identify the syndrome. If a person answers “Yes” to most of them, there is a high probability that he is prone to rescue. Here are some of the questions you can use to assess your condition:
- Do you find it difficult to find time for yourself?
- Are you always ready to help people in need?
- Do you have a tendency to take responsibility for people in trouble?
- Do you often can't stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?
- Do you have a tendency to help everyone around you, whether they ask for help or not?
- Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people?
- Do you sometimes feel angry and/or resentful because you are always giving?
- Do you sometimes feel like you are being taken advantage of?
Clinical psychologist Dr. Karen Keller says that over time, rescuers can feel frustrated that they are not performing well in the tasks they have taken on. Or they may begin to feel resentful of the indifference and lack of gratitude of those around them whom they have tried so hard to help. At this moment, negative thoughts arise, by which you can also track your condition and understand what pulled you into rescue:
- I'm tired of taking care of everyone.
- I help without being asked, and then I get upset when people don't appreciate it.
- I experience the stress of caring for others.
- I get jealous when I help people achieve their dreams.
- It's okay for me to give up on my own dreams as long as my family is successful.
- I get tired trying to solve several problems at once, none of which are my own.
Rescuer syndrome can seriously affect work. For example, among specialists in the so-called helping professions: nurses and doctors, including psychotherapists, teachers, nannies, caregivers, rescuers, police officers. As noted in a study on burnout among workers in these professions, first responders may feel frustrated by not receiving the gratitude they feel they deserve or by not being able to save and help everyone. Ultimately, this leads to burnout and the inability to provide the help that is truly needed.
Ksenia, 34 years old
I created and led an interesting social project to help children, people admired it, invited me to speak and talk about it on the radio and at events, and cited me as an example. But over time, inside myself I began to feel dissatisfaction, anger, and fatigue. Mindless self-sacrifice to the detriment of myself and the cultivation of these values in the team ultimately drained my resources and the resources of my assistants.
I realized that I needed to stop. I paused the project, started looking for help and found it in the 12-step program for codependents. In the process, I saw my unhealthy motivation. Having shaken myself up, I was able to lead the project again - already in a state of peace, joy and with a caring attitude towards myself.
No matter how banal it may sound, I realized that it all came from childhood, from family. My mother tolerated my father’s infidelities, sacrificed herself, but they still separated. And I think it was self-sacrifice to nowhere. And then I grew up and started helping addicts, also sacrificing myself in my own way: even before my project and working with children, I helped adult drug addicts. And often I literally ran after people who refused help. Just as my father was unavailable to me, so were they. I was looking for love and acceptance from cold people.
Orphanages
As was said earlier, orphanages are the first thing that comes to mind when you think about how to help people. And yet there is always a lack of help there. After all, there are a lot of children who, by the will of fate, find themselves in the care of the state, and each of them requires care, affection, and attention. Are they getting all this in the proper quantities? Of course not! Sponsors can send toys, arrange a children's party, but the child needs constant attention.
So if you are determined to take the path of mercy, then in any orphanage there will be a job for you. Come and talk to the service staff, they will tell you what kind of help the children need most.
How rescuer syndrome can occur
- The man grew up in a dysfunctional family. American psychotherapist and supervisor Andrea Matthews writes for Psychology Today that a child who does not have support, but senses the problems of loved ones, tries to be a hero for them and takes on overwhelming responsibility. Over time, such rescue may become the only behavior model through which he will feel connected to his parents.
- There was an adult in the family who sacrificed himself. Psychotherapist Sharon Martin, writing for Psych Central, explains that children can also adopt the behavior of loved ones who constantly acted in the interests of others and did not take care of themselves and their desires.
- A similar model of behavior was imposed on the child. Martin says that if children are constantly taught the importance of helping, taught to be helpful, and praised only for selflessness, then caring for others can become their primary way of getting attention, which will continue as they grow older.
- A reaction to a traumatic experience from the past has arisen. One such experience could be the death of a parent due to illness, Martin said. A person may feel guilty about this and try to save someone else, so when they look for friends or romantic partners, they will target those who need saving.
Julia Hill, family psychologist, member of SEFT, ICEEFT, ACEFT
Rescuers are always hyperfunctional. These are people who feel responsible for everything. They are active, energetic, hardworking, and everything in the family rests on them. Usually loved ones say: “What would we do without you!” The paradox is that next to a hyperfunctional person, others are deprived of the opportunity to express themselves and take responsibility. Why bother if everything will be done anyway?
The most humane professions
If you are a young person and have not yet decided what exactly you will do in life, but have a penchant for compassion, then perhaps you need a special profession: helping people constantly and every day, if you become a doctor or nurse. By the way, nurses used to be called sisters of mercy.
The professions of teachers and educators are also among the most humane in the world. There is also such a type of activity as a social worker. All of the above types of professional activities provide an opportunity to show love for people most fully.
Different roles
In VOS, volunteers are needed not only to accompany people in a personal car or public transport. Also, their help may be required when blind people master social and everyday skills, when teaching them computer technologies, and when preparing various events. Interaction with sponsors and the search for financial resources necessary for various rehabilitation activities are also of great importance.
In organizations of the visually impaired and specialized libraries, volunteers are also in demand as readers. Usually, library budgets contain very modest funds, so it is not possible to invite professional speakers and artists - a significant part of audiobooks are created on a voluntary basis.
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Readers are also needed for individuals—blind students, graduate students, and professionals—to introduce them to fiction and professional literature that is not available in raised dot font.
Another area where volunteers can apply their work is helping visually impaired people in physical education and sports. This requires people with good physical fitness. A sighted cyclist rides a tandem bicycle with his blind partner. During a cross-country race, the “big-eyed” runner connects himself with a rope to a blind partner and thereby gives him the opportunity to go the distance. Also, in interaction with sighted athletes, visually impaired people master alpine skiing and a number of other sports.
Free volunteer work is needed not only in public organizations of disabled people. They are expected in hospitals, orphanages, psychoneurological boarding schools, and social hotels for the homeless. Volunteers not only help others, but also gain a lot from their social work. It gives a huge positive charge, increases self-confidence, and fills life with new meaning. Volunteers gain valuable experience communicating with people and acquire new contacts. They begin to take a more meaningful approach to planning their own lives, give up bad habits, and begin to take more care of their health.
How to become the best volunteer?
More details
Professions for those who want to help people
1. Doctor. Perhaps one of the most noble professions. A good doctor will cure, and if this is not in his power, he will give hope. Graduating from a medical school has always been considered prestigious, and good specialists can always count on decent pay for their work. Abroad, for example, in the USA, where a doctor is one of the highest paid professions, this statement is even more true.
The average salary of a doctor in Moscow is 50–72 thousand rubles.
2. Psychologist. When a person is confused, it seems that there is no reason left in life to smile, and bad thoughts keep creeping into his head, a psychologist comes to the rescue. He will listen to you carefully, help you understand yourself and put you in the right frame of mind. If 10 years ago going to a psychologist in our country was something exotic, today it is a common practice, especially for residents of megacities. That is why the demand for such specialists has become higher.
The average salary in Moscow is 35–45 thousand rubles.
3. Rescuer. He will be the first to arrive where a person needs help. The profession is, without exaggeration, heroic, because in any situation a rescuer must, while maintaining calm and reason, go through fire and water, but do everything possible to save people.
The average salary in Moscow is 35 thousand rubles.
4. Social worker. Making the lives of older people, families in difficult life situations and people with disabilities easier is a very difficult task, both physically and mentally. But when you see the gratitude in your eyes, you will understand what you worked for. Social workers most often receive education in the specialty “Law and organization of social security” or “Social work”.
The average salary in Moscow is 25–30 thousand rubles.
5. Obstetrician. Helping women fulfill their main purpose, doing everything so that babies are born healthy and mothers feel good - this is the main task of an obstetrician. Those who love children and sincerely want to help families grow larger should go into this profession. To become an obstetrician, you need to enroll in the specialty “General Medicine” or “Pediatrics”.
The average salary in Moscow is 55–80 thousand rubles.
6. Policeman. Only a person with truly humanistic values can enter this profession, because maintaining public order and taking care of the safety of citizens is impossible otherwise. To become a police officer, you need to obtain a specialty in “Law Enforcement,” “Forensic Science,” or “Jurisprudence.”
The average salary in Moscow is 35–60 thousand rubles.
7. Nurse. Caring for a sick or elderly person, creating comfortable conditions for him, supporting him morally - these are the responsibilities of a professional nurse. This profession is becoming increasingly in demand, because in the modern rhythm of life, not everyone can afford to sit with a sick relative, as they are forced to work from morning until night. Typically, caregivers have a medical background, often gerontologists (who study the aging process).
The average salary in Moscow is 25–30 thousand rubles
8. Lawyer. When it comes to violation of rights, injustice and lawlessness, a lawyer comes to the rescue. He will tell you how to act correctly in a difficult situation, defend your rights in the most complicated matters, and help you calm down and believe in your own strength.
The average salary in Moscow is 55–80 thousand rubles.
9. Charity manager/philanthropist. Large foundations cannot function through voluntary activities alone - they need systematization and proper organization. The charity manager will handle all this. This profession is inextricably linked with helping people and can become the work of a lifetime. Specialties close to this profession are “Sociology” and “Management”.
The average salary in Moscow is 45–55 thousand rubles.
10. Trust service. People call the helpline to receive psychological support in crisis situations in a confidential setting. The people who work in the helpline are those who are morally ready to help victims of violence and beatings, to dissuade a desperate person from committing suicide and to support them in other terrible situations. Agree, this is not easy, so only motivated people, usually with a psychologist’s education, enter the profession.
Data on average salaries of specialists in Moscow are provided by the HeadHunter and Superjob portals. The Superjob press service emphasizes that the salary of each specific professional will depend on experience, level of qualifications, willingness to develop, gain new knowledge and apply this in their work, bringing real results to the company. And the given data is only an approximate salary range for the relevant positions.
The Path of Mentoring
You don't have to have children to feel happy in the long run. You can be a mentor in different areas. The main thing is to help and share your experience with other people. These people can be from very different generations. For example, you can help older adults understand computers or smartphones. You can become a tutor to pass on knowledge to the younger generation. You can start a blog and share with your subscribers life hacks that you know, but no one knows yet. The point is to be useful to society.
The desire to care for others is a natural state of human consciousness
Recent research in neuroscience has led to interesting discoveries. It turned out that a person's participation in the lives of other people, at least through charity events, stimulates the areas of the brain responsible for feelings of pleasure and happiness. It has also been established that children, starting from the age of one and a half years, spontaneously take part in the lives of those who are close to them, even strangers.
This suggests that the need to exchange positive reactions with other people is inherent in a person at the genetic level.
Using groups of volunteers as an example, the generation of social emotions was studied - how do the experiences of an individual person influence the consciousness of others? It was found that his emotional behavior is capable of controlling the actions of other people at a reflex level. Thus, the importance of developing and observing moral aspects in society was confirmed.
What does a person get by participating in charity ?
Caring for others is natural to humans
Caring for others and helping those in need , according to recent neurobiological research, induces activity in the brain regions associated with pleasure. Thus, children as young as 1.5 years old try to help even strangers. Conclusion: Self-care is closely related to caring for others.
Other studies, for example, of social emotions, have clearly demonstrated that despite the fact that these emotions are caused by the state of others, they push the individual to reflect on his own point of view and behavior. And such reflection already serves as an important step towards behavior approved by society.
