You may have met people along the way who were sincere communicators, considerate lovers and caring listeners, and then out of the blue they pushed you away and said: “This has gone too far. We need to separate." This is often done by counterdependent people - those who are afraid of emotional intimacy, although they want it no less than you.
Clinical psychologist Angelina Chekalina explains that counterdependence is a form of self-defense.
“When a person enters into a relationship and begins to feel something vaguely reminiscent of what he experienced as a child, a lot of emotions from past traumatic experiences that have not been experienced and are repressed come to the surface. It becomes unpleasant and even painful for him. And I want to quickly do it so that it doesn’t hurt. But there is no such way. And then escaping painful intimacy can become an effective form of behavior.”
In the book “Fear of Intimacy. How to stop defending yourself and start loving,” psychotherapist Ilse Sand lists several ways that counteraddicts resort to insuring their hearts from pain. The first is the rejection of real attachments and replacing them with relationships based on mutual exchange, for example: you give me sex, I give you money. Sand does not see anything wrong with such relationships, but argues that if this is the only type of attachment that a person is capable of, then he loses a lot.
The second technique is endless attempts to catch the “pie in the sky.” In life, it can look like this: a guy constantly falls in love with girls who are indifferent to him, which allows him to remain at a safe distance and still experience feelings. Or - and this is the third way of self-defense - he hopes to melt the beauty’s heart, make her happy with his love - and then she will never run away from him. And if a girl still shows interest in him, he may begin to actively look for flaws in her. At some point it may seem to him that she is not very smart, not very beautiful and generally an abuser. Who seeks will always find!
Ilse Sand names a couple more self-defense strategies - this is the search for an ideal partner and the desire to become ideal yourself. In the first case, a person cannot come to terms with the fact that his chosen one in some way does not live up to “the one” or that his feelings for him are not as bright as they “should” be. In the second, he tries to make himself someone he could love forever. And in this he is helped by self-help literature, in which the mantra is repeated page after page: “First heal yourself and only then build relationships.”
Symptoms of fear of intimacy
I asked several men and women to share how fear of intimacy manifests itself in their lives.
Anatoly, 32 years old
: “I understand that women need me only when everything is fine with me, and if I feel like a wreck and show my weakness, they start kicking, beating and abusing me. However, my desire to be with someone close did not go away, so I overcame fear, entered into a relationship, got hurt and crawled away. And so it happened again, and again, and again. Finally tired of living like this, I forcibly protected myself from any contact. Every day I want to try to find intimacy, but I hold myself back.”
Asya, 30 years old
: “I feel almost physical discomfort from the presence of another person when I understand that he can see me in any way: both in the “Instagram-front” form and in unsightly angles. I noticed that I avoid answering questions that require frankness, that I slouch if a person shows attention to me and involves me in close communication; the muscles contract, the body trembles - the classic “flight” reaction is activated. I don’t trust people, I’m afraid of making mistakes, it’s hard for me to text first or ask people out, so I avoid intimacy, and this results in (self-)isolation, both in friendships and in romantic relationships.”
Mikhail, 25 years old
: “When I’m alone, I constantly seek the attention of women. But as soon as a hint of reciprocity appears, I have obsessive thoughts and fear that I will lose control of myself and begin to neglect myself, my boundaries and desires to please the other person. These thoughts make me find evidence that this partner is bad and urgently break up with him.”
Petya, 23 years old
: “I have no fear of intimacy with girls - I easily build friendly relationships with them. But with guys there is anxiety. Firstly, I am afraid to meet men who are attractive to me, so I often communicate with those who are not exactly my type. Secondly, if a guy I went on a date with a couple of times or had sex with starts to like me, I avoid him. He may ask why we don’t see each other, and I write that I’m busy or that I’m going through a difficult period, and then I block him on all social networks. That is, yesterday I liked the person, but today I don’t feel anything, as if there was a desert inside me. Probably my biggest fear is that my heart will be broken, as it was in my first serious relationship, after which I had many years of depression. So now I’m trying my best to protect myself.”
Tom, 40 years old
: “A loved one is my enemy. I’m afraid that if I open up to him, sincerely tell him about my feelings, experiences, something very personal, he will then take advantage of it.”
In all these stories you can find similar symptoms. Some of them are discussed in “Fear of Intimacy” by Ilse Sand, others are described in the book “Flight from Intimacy” by psychologists Berry and Janae Weinhold. Here they are:
- difficulties in experiencing feelings (except anger and frustration);
- intolerance of loneliness;
- the tendency after a breakup to consider former partners as bad or vicious;
- fear of control from other people;
- the habit of saying “no” to new ideas put forward by others;
- constant fear of making a mistake, desire to be perfect and demanding the same from others;
- refusal of help, even if it is really needed;
- fear that other people will turn away from you if you show your weaknesses and fears;
- difficulties with trust, secrecy;
- workaholism or being overly busy with hobbies;
- excessive demands on a partner and/or relationships;
- strong inner critic;
- intolerance to physical contact, including sex;
- fear of becoming dependent on a person.
Fear of first sex
According to surveys, a huge number of women, and even men, were worried about losing their effectiveness. The most common reasons among girls are related to possible physical pain, the risk of getting pregnant and worries about being abandoned the next day. The fear of first sex can be overcome through a trusting relationship with your loved one.
How to overcome the fear of first sex?
There are a certain number of recommendations that were proposed by psychologists and have already helped many girls and boys:
- You need to start the fight against phobias with deep introspection in order to determine the real causes of the phobia.
- There is no need to rush into losing effectiveness and it is better to wait for a partner with whom a trusting relationship will be established. Discuss contraceptive issues beforehand.
- The fear of first sex can be overcome by creating a relaxing environment, for example, lighting candles, turning on music, and so on.
- Read books on sexology or go to trainings.
Causes of fear of intimacy
Let's say you discovered 10 of these signs and decided that you want to get rid of them. You go to a psychologist, and the first thing your therapy will begin with is finding the reasons for your fear. Psychologist Angelina Chekalina says that for this you will have to turn to early experience of relationships with significant others: parents, grandparents and other relatives, peers or other people who are important to a particular person.
“We need to find out whether the person has had a traumatic experience, such as physical, emotional, sexual abuse. Did he experience loss, did he receive support, protection, sympathy, were his needs for autonomy met, could he freely express his emotions, talk about his needs. If a person has had at least one similar experience, then there will be no trust and security in the relationship, but it will be painful and scary. In addition to viewing relationships as unsafe, experiences of rejection, abandonment, and violence can also create distorted beliefs about people and oneself: for example, “I’m so bad that I don’t deserve to be treated well.”
Why are they looking at this? Because this view is based on attachment theories. One of them was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. According to her, attachment is important for a child from the point of view of safety and survival, it is biologically determined, and the experience of relationships with significant adults in the first years of life determines his further mental development and ability to build relationships. Based on field studies in Uganda, longitudinal studies in Baltimore, and the Strange Situation experiments, Mary Ainsworth identified four types of attachment.
- A secure type of attachment
is formed if the mother (or other person who provides primary care) in the first months of the child's life shows tenderness, care and sensitivity to the baby's needs. Children with this type of attachment are not afraid to explore the world because they are confident that their significant other will return when they need him. - An ambivalent type of attachment
is formed if the mother was unpredictable and inconsistent in her actions. When she leaves, the child feels anxious, and when she returns, he does not experience relief or even shows aggression. That is, children with this type of attachment seek contact with the parent, but at the same time resist him. - An anxious-avoidant type
is formed if the mother was cold, not tactile and avoided contact with the child. In this case, the child will also avoid contact with the adult and show little emotion when he leaves and comes. It is assumed that the equanimity of such children masks their grief. - The disorganizing type
is attributed to children who demonstrate contradictory behavior: they are sometimes drawn to adults, sometimes they are afraid, sometimes they rebel.
In the 1980s, scholars Sidney Hazan and Philip Shaver applied Bowlby and Ainsworth's attachment theory to adult romantic relationships. They proceeded from the fact that close relationships between two adults are a “safe haven”, like the mother-child relationship, that is, their most important function is to ensure safety for partners. Hazan and Shaver also identified four types of attachment:
- Adults with a secure attachment type
perceive themselves and others positively, they strive for intimacy, are not afraid to open up to their partner, be honest and depend on him in a good way, but at the same time remain self-sufficient. - People with an anxious attachment style
often seek confirmation of their own importance, underestimate themselves and idealize their partner. They can “suffocate” with their love and become very jealous. They may also often feel like they are not loved. - A person with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style
may consider himself strong and independent, and think that he does not need anyone. He can keep his distance, show coldness, hide his feelings, break off relationships first, be afraid to show weakness in front of his partner, that he will be abandoned. - Partners with an anxious-avoidant
attachment style seek intimacy but are afraid of rejection, so they end the relationship when it becomes too close. They find it difficult to trust others. They may have a “loud” inner critic and a strong fear of rejection.
Here you can find out your attachment type.
So, people can acquire counterdependence if they were separated from their mother too early in childhood or did not receive enough care and warmth from their parents. Therefore, in adulthood, they may associate intimacy with the pain of loss or rejection.
Lina, 25 years old
: “When I was two years old, my mother was hospitalized and left me with my father. They told me that I then cried for several days, did not eat and practically did not sleep. And when my mother returned, I did not run to meet her. Apparently she stopped trusting her. As I grew up, she worked a lot and gave me to my grandparents for three months. And mistrust grew. Therefore, now it’s difficult for me to open up to people, show my emotions, I’m wildly afraid that they’ll leave me, and I constantly check my partners for lice: I throw tantrums, be rude and try to leave to find out whether they will stop me or not.”
Another reason may be parental overprotection. Such controlling behavior does not allow the child to gain independence, and in the future he perceives close relationships as a threat to personal freedom.
Tanya, 33 years old
: “I am a late child, and I also have a heart defect from birth, so my parents wrapped me in a blanket out of care and looked after me until I was 22 years old. I have never had a long relationship, six months maximum. The first months everything goes well, we talk about our interests, go on dates, have sex, and then questions about childhood begin, conversations about the status of our relationship, and I literally turn away from the person. He becomes disgusting to me, and I can no longer have sex or communicate.”
The third option: the child could observe the relationships of significant adults, in which there were shouting, quarrels, violence, and decide that the relationship is a pain that he definitely does not need.
Alina, 31 years old
: “My dad drank a lot and beat my mom. We constantly had screams in the house and a lot of fear. I just can't get over my relationship panic. And I think it’s better to be alone than to meet the same man.”
Devaluing a child's feelings can also cause fear of intimacy. Parents could support certain emotions of the baby and reject others that were “unprofitable” to them. Having matured, such a person may conclude that one cannot express one’s true feelings.
Asya, 30 years old
: “My perfectionist parents firmly drilled into my head the thought “Either be the best, or not be at all,” and instilled the habit of earning love through achievements or “good” behavior. Now I keep track of self-accusations voiced by parents, most often completely groundless. Well, I’m afraid to make mistakes.”
There is also an assumption that negative life experiences can change a person’s type of attachment, that is, the source of fear of intimacy can be traumatic relationships in adulthood. This was the case with Anatoly, who, after several toxic relationships, gave up his personal life. And Toma, whose first husband died, and now she is very afraid of losing her partner.
Fear of sex in men
Studies have shown that representatives of the stronger sex, like women, are worried about intimacy with new partners. There are a number of reasons that cause sexphobia.
- Many are afraid not to “fall face down in the dirt,” since sexual failures are the most painful for the stronger sex.
- The desire to be the best causes the experience of being worse than the previous partner.
- There are men whose fear of sex arises due to the small size of their dignity.
- There are men who are afraid of intimacy with smart, beautiful or innocent ladies.
- Representatives of the stronger sex worry about the shortcomings of their figure no less than women.
- Many people are afraid of contracting an STD.
Fear of intimacy as a social phenomenon
Sociologists look at the problem of counterdependence more broadly and take into account the environment. As Evgenia Shamis, coordinator of the project “Theory of Generations in Russia - Rugenerations,” notes, the childhood of the generation of the current 25-30 year olds took place in the 1990s and early 2000s, when major economic crises affected almost every family in our country. Political unrest, unemployment and the struggle for a better life all robbed children of that time of the parental warmth and care that we know influences the formation of attachment.
Modern parents, in turn, apparently trying to compensate for this lack of love, often practice helicopter parenting - as the good old overprotection is called in foreign media. They buy their children smart watches that track their location, send them to numerous clubs and worry about not depriving their child of attention. There is no research yet on how this type of parenting affects their children's relationships, but we already know that this approach can also be fraught with counterdependency.
Moreover, modern mass culture, with its cult of individuality and phrases like “I have myself, and that’s the most important thing” or “I don’t owe anyone anything,” encourages counter-dependent behavior. Sociologist and author of the book “Love: Do It Yourself” Polina Aronson tells how we came to the conclusion that being alone is much safer than being in a close relationship:
“Firstly, life has become easier and more fun, so in big cities people who can easily provide for themselves choose singletonism. Secondly, there are a wild number of requirements for intimacy: there should be no gaslighting, abuse, harassment, etc. On the one hand, this is not bad, because Soviet pop culture often legitimized violence when talking about love. We can see this, for example, in the book “Bury Me Behind the Baseboard,” in which the grandmother and mother tyrannized the boy because they loved him. And it turned out that post-Soviet generations grew up with a fear of love as transgression, because in their eyes it is inevitably associated with violence, and violating boundaries can in no way be pleasant. At the same time, a neoliberal agenda comes to us with the leitmotif “no one owes anything to anyone,” which successfully fits into the Soviet understanding of the world with Solzhenitsyn’s “don’t believe, don’t be afraid, don’t ask.” As a result, we are dealing with a ruthless form of attitude towards oneself, which prohibits a person from taking from others. And people become afraid to open up to others and depend on them even for a second.”
Fear of sex after childbirth
Many women have noticed that after the birth of a child, the prerogatives in life change a little and intimate relationships are replaced by caring for the baby or just relaxing. Fear of having sex sometimes arises on a psychological level, after suffering during childbirth. There are a number of recommendations given by psychologists that will help overcome this barrier.
- Have a romantic evening. Buy sexy lingerie, create a relaxing environment.
- Take time to relax, asking for help from grandmothers and nannies. This will help you maintain strength to communicate with your husband.
- After a few months, it is recommended to take hormone tests to see if there are any irregularities.
- To remove the fear of sex, fight your complexes. Work on yourself and keep in mind that your husband does not love you for your figure.
- Choose a position and experts recommend giving preference to options when the woman controls the process.
- If a woman is worried about a second pregnancy, it is recommended to take care of contraception.
Treatment
First of all, it is recommended to consult a psychologist or psychiatrist.
As with other phobias, there are several treatments for erotophobia, or fear of sex. It is better not to take strong medications for anxiety, as they are often accompanied by side effects. Taking strong medications leads to chemical dependence. Many anti-anxiety medications have side effects such as loss of libido or lack of interest in sex. Only a qualified specialist has the right to prescribe such medications in case of emergency.
The goal of drug therapy should be symptomatic relief of anxiety symptoms during coitophobia.
Other forms of therapy for erotophobia should be used as a comprehensive treatment and the doctor should focus on correcting the underlying cause of the disease.
It is important that the patient understands that there is no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed about their condition. This is the first step in treating genophobia. He should be ready to seek help from a psychologist or psychiatrist. A hypnotherapist may use a technique called past life regression, which is often helpful. Other modern treatments for coitophobia include NLP (neurolinguistic programming) and gradual desensitization. Both of these remedies can help eliminate the fear of erotic phobia.
A hypnotherapist may use a technique called past life regression, which is often helpful. Other modern treatments for coitophobia include NLP (neurolinguistic programming) and gradual desensitization. Both of these remedies can help eliminate the fear of erotic phobia.
Some individuals who experience pain during sexual intercourse should visit a gynecologist.
