What does self-confidence mean?
Do you think a person who doesn’t trust anyone can be called pleasant? Hardly. Surely this is a gloomy subject with a suspicious look, capable of expecting tricks even from a baby. Distrust of people is a repulsive trait.
Meanwhile, according to psychologists, distrust of people stems from distrust of... oneself. What kind of quality is this and how can you learn to trust yourself and people?
Attempts to define the concept
Psychologists explain the concept of self-confidence in different ways. Some believe that this is the ability to perceive your needs and desires as the greatest value. Although, as for me, this is rather evidence of self-respect and self-love.
Others are sure that only an honest person who does not engage in self-deception can have confidence in himself. Still others believe that this character trait arises under one condition - when the conscience is clear. Fourth – when you manage to accept yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses.
Remember joyful moments together
It's easy to bury yourself in rubble after an incident; it's hard to get out of there. But here's some encouraging news: your relationship isn't defined by what happened. There were good years before the betrayal, right? Now it's time to withdraw from this reserve.
Sit down with your partner. Talk about all the things that got done when everyone was happy; In all the places where we were, it was warm and cozy. It's time to go back there again. Start of dating. This will psychologically return partners to good times. Perestroika is based on this. Only after this stage create new moments.
Betrayal always creates a big mess, leaving behind countless emotional wreckage. Betrayal has sharp claws. It takes a lot of work to heal scars. But they can be healed. Sometimes things have to be torn down to rise from the ashes in a better way.
Where does trust or mistrust come from?
The level of trust depends on a person's life experience. In this sense, the most important experience is acquired in the first year after birth.
It is also believed that from birth a person initially has trust in the world. During this period, the whole world for him is represented by his mother. And if she loves her baby and takes care of him, then trust is not violated. The child even learns to remain without her for a short time and not show concern, knowing that the mother will soon return and will not disappear without a trace.
But if the mother does not show feelings, does not care for the child as she should, then he develops anxiety towards her. In the future, this anxiety is transformed into distrust of the world.
Thus, how calm and comfortable a person felt in early childhood determines his character and worldview, as well as whether he knows how to build relationships with other people.
Dot all the i's
In every person's life, betrayal seems like a disaster. Emotions are at their limit, hearing is heightened, and a kind of war begins. Such events do not happen by themselves, they do not come out of nowhere. Things happen for a reason. You need to dig deeper to clarify the situation. Was there something that needed attention but was ignored instead?
Talk to your partner. Dot all the i's. Without a doubt, anger will lurk somewhere in the depths of your soul, but if you want to make peace, you need to listen to the person. What is heard often corrodes from the inside, poisoning the relationship of previous events. Betrayal is only a symptom, not the current problem.
In her article, How to Rebuild Broken Trust in a Relationship, Dr. Magdalena Battles talks about Arrival. She writes:
“Both sides need to come to the table and be open, honest and vulnerable. They also have to worry about putting in the effort necessary to make the relationship work again.”
If this does not happen, then the relationship will probably “freeze in the air,” full of pain, regret and resentment.
Why should you trust?
It is desirable to treat people with trust not at all in order to please them. It is clear that the image of a gloomy subject, looking warily at the entire people, cannot evoke pleasant feelings. But at the end of the day, he doesn't have to be nice and comfortable to everyone. And the point is not this, but the fact that a person who does not trust anyone first of all harms himself.
Judge for yourself: any person needs friendly relationships for psychological comfort. A person is designed in such a way that he needs someone else to whom he can open up, pour out his soul, talk about painful things, and ask for advice. And without mutual trust this is impossible.
Without trusting your partner, you cannot build a family. It’s scary to imagine what the situation might be like in a home where a husband and wife are suspicious of each other. In this case, there is no need to talk about love and spiritual intimacy! And what is it like for children to grow up in such an environment? Contact with them, by the way, is also based on trust.
And a person who does not trust people dooms himself to career failure. Numerous psychological studies indicate that only a close-knit team of like-minded people functions effectively and achieves success. In such a team there is no envy, noisy talk, bullying and other unpleasant things that interfere with business.
Professional achievements, friendship, family, children - basic values. If they are not there, a person does not feel happy. Moreover, the inability to maintain sincere relationships based on trust can even lead to stress and neuroses.
Forgiveness
The struggle for relationships is not easy; working tirelessly tirelessly to move beyond what happened. The relationship is still tender, but at least the couple is together and working to keep it together. But, even though people in the “together” status think that they have survived the crisis, anger and resentment persist. All is not forgiven yet.
The victim begins to use this to his advantage. “You have nothing to say (blah, blah, blah), especially after what you did!” The offended party can hang the betrayal on the partner's head, constantly reminding him that it is better to tow the line, or something else. Because of what happened, the injured party feels empowered, and perhaps even becomes a little harsh.
To truly cross boundaries, there must be forgiveness. At both sides. The traitor may feel so guilty that he can barely stand. In fact, you can even agree to something you have no right to do.
Forgiveness, although not easy, is key to the survival of a relationship.
How to learn to trust
Lack of trust is not a death sentence. Many people who did not receive the necessary dose of love in childhood enter adulthood with a lack of trust in others. But they have the power to change their attitude towards the world. To do this you need to start taking action.
Psychologists consider the following technique to be effective in helping to develop trust.
1. Think about where your mistrust came from. Perhaps it is associated with negative experiences with other people. But if someone deceived you, this does not mean that you need to suspect the entire population of our planet of dishonesty. This is how immature – childish – thinking manifests itself. Global conclusions cannot be drawn based on one or two cases.
Psychologists recommend analyzing the unpleasant situation that happened to you, “replaying” it and “letting go”, at the same time forgiving the offender.
2. Write down on paper what psychological attitudes prevent you from showing trust. Well, for example, such phrases: “We live in a world where lies and deceit reign,” “I am surrounded by crooks who strive to deceive and steal,” “People by nature are greedy and self-interested; move”...
Now try to prove the fallacy of each of these judgments. Surely you will remember cases when a bag of groceries that was forgotten in a supermarket was returned to you, or when a seller on his own initiative offered you a discount on a quality product, or when you were given the bottom bunk in a train compartment... If you think carefully, there are such cases that prove selflessness, honesty and the kindness of others, one can cite a huge number.
3. Try to turn off the strict “censor” in yourself, who tends to see a catch and a bad meaning in everything. Criticism towards people is good in moderation. Set yourself up for a positive perception of a particular person. Tell yourself: he never let me down, never betrayed my trust, that’s why I trust him. Remember the presumption of innocence.
This is what the process of re-education looks like. It is clear that no one is calling for throwing away all caution in relationships with unfamiliar people. But getting rid of excessive distrust, which threatens to develop into pathological, will be a blessing. This may require consultation with a psychologist. But the main thing is the desire to change. And it's worth the effort.
Revival of relations
How valuable is your attitude towards yourself? When the dust settles after all, ask yourself these questions:
Despite the circumstances, will you find the strength to bear obligations to a person? Does love still live inside of me? What can be done to survive this crisis?
Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, writes in his Gottman Institute article:
“Are admiration and respect enough to save a relationship? Always be honest with yourself: are we still on the same page and enjoying each other’s company most of the time?”
If the answer is yes, then although the journey is long, it will be a worthy endeavor. If people are devoted to each other, ready to study the situation and work to correct it, then another option may appear.
As soon as you plunge into the pool, don’t stop, go forward. Do not despair. It's either all or nothing here. If you're halfway there, that means you have one foot out the door.
Trust means
...relax control. This is especially necessary for women who are accustomed to being responsible for everything and keeping everyone under control: husband, children, dog, cat. It seems that if you loosen control, everything will go awry.
In fact, when you stop controlling everyone, you will feel a huge sense of relief. Life will sparkle with colors, you will have a lot of time for yourself. And household members who have gotten rid of excessive care, in turn, will learn to be responsible for their actions;
…allow others to make mistakes, learn from them and be responsible for them. People are not perfect. They may stumble, but they need to be given a chance to improve.
Time cures
My son needed jaw surgery at age 19. It was quite a painful ordeal. After the surgeon broke the jaw and put it back together, the son's jaw was closed for six weeks to allow it to heal properly. It was possible to eat only soft food through a small syringe in the mouth. It took a month and a half before the jaw healed.
Unfortunately, betrayal is not like surgery. This is much worse. Fixing a broken heart takes skill and a lot of time. It depends on how long people have been together.
If you are committed to making your relationship work, patience plays a significant role. There will be everything at once: anger, sadness, disbelief, uncertainty, maybe sometimes even shame. There is a lot of work.
Take this gentle step one at a time. Discuss things when necessary. After all, if you keep taking these tiny steps, the next step is healing!
Positive qualities of an Outcast
Outcasts tend to be mobile, motivated, and determined to succeed in a particular endeavor. Even if a reward is not expected, they will be happy to express themselves in this way. Outcasts are often successful. Where most people would have given up long ago or given up hope of making a difference, the Outcast is persistent and willing to take risks.
The Outcast may not always be a great team player, but he is capable of being an excellent leader. An outcast, in principle, is not afraid of mistakes, uses any opportunities and knows how to take responsibility.
The Outcast is an individualist, he thinks critically and often has extraordinary opinions. These people tend to be attracted to careers that allow them to think outside the box, recognize their individual achievements, and promote recognition. They prefer to do everything on their own, to lead, rather than follow other people's instructions.
Find common
Members of the medical community can agree that skepticism is appropriate on a number of health issues. For example, there are good reasons to scrutinize and scrutinize studies that have been sponsored by the pharmaceutical industry. It is good practice for the lecturer to present their conflict of interest. Mistakes made by pharmaceutical manufacturers in the past are documented and available to the general public. This, however, does not diminish the contribution they made to saving lives.
